Remy and Russ
by DC Nixon
Summary: All Remus Lupin ever wanted was to attend Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He got his wish, but he also got so much more. – *Wolfstar – a Remus/Sirius love story*
1. The Hogwarts Express

**The Hogwarts Express**

"You don't have to do this," my mother, Hope Lupin, told me as I stared at the impressive Hogwarts Express, "you can keep being homeschooled, your father won't mind."

I looked away from the shiny red train. I never dreamed that I'd be able to see the Hogwarts Express in person, let alone be allowed to attend Hogwarts. It was a dream come true.

"You don't get it, Mom," I said, "you never got a letter, but I did."

Mom sighed. "I just feel like this is a terrible idea, you're only eleven, what about your monthly problem?"

I looked down at the ground, it always came back to this, always.

"Prof-Professor Dumbledore said it would be okay," I told her. "He said he wouldn't have given me the letter if he hadn't figured it all out."

"But what does that mean?" Mom asked. "How can we be sure that he's going to lock you up over the cycle. We don't even know him. Your father says he's some great and powerful wizard, but what if he's wrong? You're not like the other students, Remus, what happens when they find out? I just want to keep you safe."

"I-I want to go to school," I said, my voice wavering but strong. "I'll be okay, Mom, I'm tough, you know this."

"I know," she said, tears pricking at her eyes, "but you're shy around new people, I don't want anyone to take advantage of you."

"I won't let them."

Mom smiled, knowing there was no talking me out of this. "Okay you can go, but you have to write to me all the time and if your first moon cycle goes terribly then you can come home, okay? You can always come home."

"Thank you, Mom." I leaned forward and hugged her. "I'll be okay, I promise."

I left Mom with one last wave and boarded the Hogwarts Express. As I walked down the corridor, I noticed that all of the compartments had people in them. I hit the end of the train and walked back, surveying every compartment, trying to find one that didn't look too threatening. I wanted nothing more than to just fly under the radar.

My mother was a muggle-born, so she didn't know how important this was, but my father, Lyall, had told me everything. Hogwarts was not only a school where you learned magic, but where you found out the man you were going to become. My father had made it sound so exciting and important and I was excited to get out into the world and start becoming my own man; someone my family would be proud of.

I paused by a compartment door, it only had two boys in it and they looked about my age. I watched them for a moment before deciding whether or not to join them. I noticed that they were in some kind of weird stand-off, neither saying a word, just staring at each other. They both had black hair, but one had messy hair and wore glasses and the other had shoulder length hair. They were doing nothing and I decided they were probably just scared little boys, like I was.

I entered the compartment and neither boy looked at me. I cleared my throat and shrugged off my satchel, but still, neither paid me any attention. I sat down on the same seat as the boy with the longer hair. I hated feeling ignored, but the two boys were still staring at each other, not blinking. I sighed and watched them.

"This is Sirius," the boy with glasses finally said.

"Wh-what's serious?" I asked quietly, happy they were finally acknowledging me.

"I'm Sirius," the boy next to me said. "That's James."

"Oh," I said, realizing that was their names. I was silently thankful that one of them had an unusual name like mine. "Do you two know each other?" I asked.

"No," Sirius scoffed, "I was here first and this idiot comes in asking me to leave, we're deciding who gets the compartment. First person to look away has to leave."

"Like… a… umm, staring contest?" I asked.

"A what?" James questioned.

"Are you Muggle-Born?" Sirius asked, obviously disgusted.

"No, umm, Half-Blood. My dad works for the Ministry and my mom's a Muggle."

"The Ministry," Sirius scoffed.

"Hey," James said, "I'm gonna work for them one day, I'm gonna be the best Auror they ever had."

"If you say so," Sirius said. "What's your name?"

"Me?" I faltered. "Umm, Remy, I mean, Remus, Remus Lupin." No one said anything. "Is it okay that I'm here?" I asked, "Because I can leave if you want."

James and Sirius answered at the same time.

"I don't care," Sirius said.

"Stay," said James.

I decided to stay.

"Give up, James," Sirius mocked, "you don't know my mother, I can do this all night."

"And you don't know me," James bit straight back.

"Are… Are you both Pure-Blood?" I asked.

"Yes," they answered at the same time.

"C-can I ask you a question? Do people get sorted into the same houses as their family members or is it random?"

"They do," Sirius said.

"Depends," said James.

"Don't listen to him," Sirius told me, "everyone in my family's been in Slytherin and I won't be an exception to that."

"I… umm… I think I'll be in Slytherin too," I said, picking at the sweater-vest my mother had forced me to wear.

"Why?" James asked. "Was your father in that house?"

"No, he didn't tell me which one he was in, he said he didn't want it to influence me. He said he'd be proud if I was in any of them, but I think I'll be in Slytherin, all the people who do bad things go into that house, that's what I heard."

"And what bad have you done?" Sirius asked.

"I didn't do the bad stuff, not really," I said, "but I don't think they'll care."

Something shifted and James and Sirius looked at me for the first time. I pulled my sleeves down and touched the top of my shirt, making sure every inch of my skin was covered. I didn't want them to see my scars, I'd been warned by my parents, and even Dumbledore, to tell no one that I was a werewolf.

"We should make an unbreakable vow," James stood up, "no matter what house we're sorted in, we'll all be friends."

"And why would I want to be friends with you?" Sirius asked James. "You're a fucking idiot."

I shied away from Sirius' filthy mouth, no one in my family had ever talked like that, but I found I didn't hate it.

"I bet you don't even know the magic to make the vow." Sirius sat back against the window and stretched his legs out on the seat towards me.

"We don't have to actually make the vow," James pushed his glasses up higher on his nose, "it's the notion of it. We'll know what it means. …Wait, Remus, do you know what an unbreakable vow is?"

"Yeah," I said. My parents never thought I'd get invited to Hogwarts so they'd already started training me in all things magic. "If you break it, you die."

"Exactly," James said. "Come on, Sirius, are you in?"

"I'm no fool," Sirius tipped his head back and closed his eyes, "I don't want to be stuck with your sorry ass forever."

"You're such a fucking princess," James said, "fine, me and you Remus."

James held out his hand and I didn't hesitate to take it. I'd never had a true friend before. Being bit by a werewolf when you were only four kept you away from almost everyone, but no one was holding me back now.

"Fine," Sirius said, standing up and putting his hand on top of ours, "but if I fucking regret this, I'll kill you both."


	2. The Sorting Hat

**The Sorting Hat**

"Do you think it hurts?" I asked, looking at the sorting hat cautiously.

"Of course not," James said, puffing out his chest, "it's just a hat."

"W-what about you?" I asked Sirius.

"I don't fucking care," he said, "I should just sit down at the Slytherin table right now."

I shied away from Sirius again. He was acting so strange, fidgeting, edgy, but I had no idea why. Even if he was placed in Slytherin, I'd still be his friend.

"Settle down, first years," Professor McGonagall said. "Okay, first up is… Lily Evans… Miss Evans, come on now, nothing to be scared of."

Lily walked up to the stool, sat down, and Professor McGonagall put the hat on her head. I watched Lily intently, wondering what the hat would do, but nothing happened and then it screamed "Gryffindor!" I continued to look at the hat, I didn't trust it. How could a hat know what house the students belonged in?

Students were called randomly and I got more nervous as time went on. Sometimes the hat spoke the house instantly, sometimes it took a while to decide.

"James Potter," McGonagall called.

The hat had barely touched James' head when it called out Gryffindor.

"Yes," James said, jumping up and fist pumping the air, "I'm the bravest person here."

Everyone in the hall laughed at him, but James didn't seem to care. I watched as he walked over to the Gryffindor table and pushed his way to get a seat next to Lily Evans.

"Severus Snape," McGonagall said.

A pale boy with black hair walked stiffly up to the stool. He looked as scared as I felt. I automatically sympathized with the boy.

"Slytherin," the hat called out.

I couldn't tell whether or not the boy was happy with this choice, Severus just quietly got off the stool and walked over to his table.

"Remus Lupin."

I froze.

"Remus Lupin, come on, up please," McGonagall said, "there's nothing to be scared of."

Sirius rested his hand on my shoulder and our eyes met. Sirius nodded his head and smiled at me. I took strength from him and walked up to the stool, sitting down. I tried to prepare myself for whatever was coming my way. The hat settled on my head and I was shocked to hear a voice. It talked?

"Very interesting, very interesting indeed," the hat said, "this is Dumbledore's doing no doubt. A werewolf, very tricky, I've never sorted a werewolf before."

I lost all color, the hat knew. What if the hat decided that a werewolf didn't belong in any of the houses? I shifted, wanting to pull the hat off, but not daring to.

"Lots of bravery, no doubt about that. Brains too. Very non-judgmental. But cunning too. Hmm… Any house would be lucky to have you. You'd do well in Hufflepuff, it's a good house for someone as multi-skilled as you."

My mind went to my new friend James, James wasn't in Hufflepuff and I didn't know if James would stick to the fake unbreakable vow we'd made on the train. The thing I wanted most was friends and I liked James and Sirius, I didn't want to lose them.

"Very well, I see you've made your decision," the hat said, "let it be… Gryffindor!"

I breathed a sigh of relief and quickly scrambled away from the hat.

I took a seat across from James who shook my hand smiling widely. I looked back towards the hat and Dumbledore met my gaze, nodding proudly. I allowed myself to relax. I'd been sorted and I was still with James.

I waited until it was Sirius' turn.

"Sirius Black."

The hall fell silent, but I wasn't sure why. I knelt on the seat so I could get a better look. Sirius looked scared, but defiant as he sat down on the stool. The hat didn't give its choice immediately and I knew it was talking to Sirius like it had spoken to me, but I had no idea what it was saying.

"Don't you dare," Sirius yelled, his voice echoing throughout the hall. It shook me.

"Mr. Black, please calm down," McGonagall said, but Sirius wasn't paying her any attention.

"You do it and you'll be fucking sorry," Sirius screamed.

My heart beat faster.

"Black, language," McGonagall said, "that's ten points off… whatever house you're sorted into."

Half the hall laughed, but I didn't. I was afraid for my new friend, I didn't like the sorting hat and I had no idea what it was telling Sirius.

"Don't you fucking dare," Sirius said, pulling the hat off his head, "I'm going to fucking destroy you."

I stood up, wanting to go over to Sirius and calm him down. I wasn't sure why I was feeling so protective of him, and because of that, I stayed where I was.

The hat hit the ground.

"Mr. Black," McGonagall said, "that will be fifty points off…"

"Gryffindor!" the hat boomed.

My heart slowed down and I retook my seat. Sirius was in Gryffindor, just like me. The sorting couldn't have gone any better.

Sirius came over and sat down next to me, burying his head in his arms on the table. I watched him carefully. Sirius was clearly upset, shaking in anger. It reminded me of myself when the full moon was getting closer.

"A-are you okay," I asked, leaning closer to Sirius so I could whisper to him.

Sirius didn't reply.

"I-I don't like that hat," I said, "but I'm glad you're in Gryffindor."

"You are?" Sirius asked, turning his head to look at me, but not sitting up.

"Y-yeah," I said. "Are you okay?"

"No, my mother's going to kill me. Everyone in our family has been put in Slytherin, everyone. Fuck that hat and its bullshit reasons. My family will disown me for this, I know it."

"I see no problem here," I bravely said.

"What?" Sirius asked, sitting up, his anger returning, "you see no problem, are you fucking serious?"

"Ah, umm, no, I just... They won't know if you don't tell them."

"Speak faster," Sirius said.

"It's quite simple, in theory. Your mother, it's not like Dumbledore sends an owl to your house and the Daily Prophet doesn't print it. No one needs to know you're in Gryffindor if you don't tell them. Why not let them assume you got sorted into Slytherin like the rest of your family? Is there anyone here that would tell her?"

"No, my cousin Cissy is here, but with Bella gone she won't care enough to mention it," Sirius said. "I have a brother, Regulus, but he won't be here until next year."

"See," I smiled, "it's not much, but a year can be a long time and I'll tell you what, when the time comes we'll deal with this together. Maybe we can use the confundus charm on Regulus or something."

"You'd really confound my brother for me?" Sirius asked.

"If you asked me to," I said, glad Sirius was finally calming down.

We smiled at each other.

"Hey," James said, grabbing our attention, "didn't I tell you, unbreakable."

We all smiled at each other. We didn't know what was in store for us, but we knew we'd face it together.


	3. Gryffindor Dormitory

**Gryffindor Dormitory**

"I can't believe this is going to be our dorm for the next seven years," James said, entering first. "Now, this is important," he stopped Sirius and me with his hands, "we need to choose our beds carefully. Seven years is a long time."

"Don't we shift dorms between years?" I asked, looking at the four beds.

"Nope," James said, "first years go into the recently vacated seventh year dorm. It actually makes sense, you can decorate it how you like, leave stuff here over the summer. …Boys, this is our home for the next seven years."

"I-I'd like the one near the window," I said, "if no one minds."

"I'll take that one," Sirius pointed to the bed right beside mine.

"Okay," James said, "I'll take this one." It was the bed directly across from mine and Sirius'. "This is going to be so much fun," he said.

"Who's the fourth bed for do you suppose?" Sirius asked, levitating his trunk to sit at the end of his new bed.

"Don't know," James collapsed back on his, "I didn't pay attention to who was sorted, I was too busy eyeing that red-head, did you see her? There's something about her." James sat up, looking at us seriously. "She's mine," he warned us, "no matter what happens."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Like we even care."

"I just want to be clear," James said.

I started unpacking my things.

"What about you, Remus?" James asked.

"I have no interest getting involved with anyone," I told him.

"Why?" Sirius asked, sitting on the edge of his bed, facing me.

"Just… I… I've never even had friends before," I flushed red, not understanding why I was vocalizing this, "the thought of having a girlfriend is just too much. I don't think anyone will love me."

"That's a bit harsh, mate," James said, "I'm sure you're a catch."

Sirius agreed and it made me feel a little better. Honestly, I'd never thought of the opposite sex in that way, but then again, I was only eleven and hadn't hit puberty yet. Though the wolf in me gave me desires, but I battled against them and promptly ignored them. I was too young, I didn't know what I wanted.

Someone came into the room and we all turned to face him. It was a stout boy with thin, short blond hair. Sirius turned away from the newcomer and looked out the window.

"I'm Peter," he said, "Peter Pettigrew."

"Welcome," James went over to him, "I'm James Potter, him near the window, that's Remus Lupin, and the boy with his back to you is Sirius Black."

"Black?" Peter questioned, fear evident in his voice.

"Yeah," Sirius spun around, "do you have a problem with that?"

"No, Sir, sorry, Sir."

Sirius stood up. "Remus, care for a walk?" he asked.

I met Sirius' eyes and I could tell he needed to get out.

"Sure." I grabbed my heavy cloak and threw it on.

We didn't say anything for a long time. I was trying to give Sirius his space, but once we were outside, I couldn't stay silent any longer.

"Don't you think it's beautiful," I said, looking at Hogwarts, "I knew it was a castle, but I didn't think it would look like this."

"Yeah, I guess," Sirius said, hands fisted in his pockets. He was simply watching me as I took in the vast grounds.

"I never thought I'd get to come here," I said and my face went white, I wasn't supposed to say that, but I just felt so safe in Sirius' company.

"Why's that?" Sirius kicked the ground, not looking at me.

"I… I…" I faltered, "I just, everyone told me I wouldn't, but Professor Dumbledore came and said I could."

"He came and visited you?" Sirius questioned. "Personally? You didn't get an owl with a letter?"

"No, Dumbledore handed me the letter in person, is that odd?"

"Yeah, I guess," Sirius looked at me closely and I hoped he wouldn't figure it all out. "Why wouldn't you come here though?" Sirius asked. "You're not a squib, are you?"

"No, I'm a wizard, I just… Can we not talk about this?" I asked. "It's making me uncomfortable."

Sirius' face shifted completely to concern.

"Yeah, sorry, Remy. I've been told that I have a problem with speaking without thinking."

"R-Remy?" I faltered.

"That's what you called yourself on the train," Sirius said.

"That was because of my stutter," I quietly admitted.

Sirius shrugged. "I like the name, I think it suits you."

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah." Sirius smiled.

"What about you?" I asked. "Do you have nickname?"

"No." Sirius turned around and headed in the opposite direction. "It's not something we do in my family. I call Regulus Reggie sometimes, but that's just to piss my parents off."

"Oh," I said, "well… I-I'm going to think of one for you."

"Good luck," Sirius scoffed, "and let me tell you now, don't call me Siri, it sounds like a girl's name."

I laughed. "Noted."

As we slowly made our way back to Gryffindor tower I realized that I liked spending time with Sirius. He was just easy to get along with and he seemed to like me too.

"This place is huge," Sirius observed, "we should see if we can walk every square inch of it together."

"Why?" I asked, thinking it was pointless.

"Many reasons," Sirius shrugged, "but it'd be a great way to get to know each other better."

"And why would you want that?" I asked, confused as to why anyone would take an interest in me.

"There's something different about you, Remy," Sirius said, "I'm not sure what it is exactly, but you care about me. I've never had that before. You can tell if I'm upset, like in the great hall, and you comfort me. I ask you to take a walk with me and you don't hesitate."

"Oh… Well… I just, I've never had a friend before, and I like you, Sirius."

We smiled at each other.

"James is a real prat," Sirius said, "I don't know how long I'll be able to stand him for, but no matter what happens, please don't leave me, Remy."

"Of-of course not," I told him.


	4. The Library

**The Library**

I was in the library looking for a book. The first week of classes had gone well for me, but I wanted to make sure I knew all the material back to front. There was no way I was going to give Dumbledore, or anyone else, a reason to send me away.

I liked it here, I was making friends, I was letting my guard down. I wasn't exactly looking forward to my first moon, I had a feeling it would ruin everything, but I still had time.

I found the book I was after and sat down at the long table, cracking it open.

"You're Remus, right?" Lily Evans said.

I looked into her soft green eyes. She was the girl James had called as his own.

"Y-yeah," I said, "d-do you want me to move?"

"No," Lily laughed, "I just wanted to know if we could join you."

My eyes went to the boy standing behind Lily. He was hiding, but I could see his black hair. It was the boy I had sympathized with during the sorting ceremony, the one who was placed in Slytherin.

"I d-don't mind," I said.

"Thanks," Lily smiled, "this is my friend Severus Snape," she introduced. "Sev, this is Remus Lupin, he's in Gryffindor with me."

Snape nodded his head and sat down next to Lily across the table from me.

"Did you know," Snape said nervously, "that the name Lupin is derived from the Latin word lupinus, which is a plant, it means 'of a wolf'."

"I, umm, I did know that actually." I shifted away from the boy and looked at my book.

"Sev's really into plants," Lily explained, "we've only had one potions class and Professor Slughorn has already asked him to be in his club. I heard first years are never asked." Lily was clearly impressed.

"I'm sure he's mistaken," Snape said, "all I did was follow the instructions like everyone else."

"He's too modest," Lily said, "Sev's a potions savant. When we were all struggling to cut one of the ingredients, I saw Sev crush it with the side of his knife. It worked perfectly, so I copied him."

Snape blushed and focused on his work and I tried to do the same.

"In Greek Mythology," Lily said and I immediately knew where this was going, "there were twin boys Remus and Romulus, it's said that they were raised by wolves. …Do your parents have a thing for wolves, Remus?"

"I, umm… We don't talk about it," I said, not meeting her eyes, "it's a tradition I guess, my father was named after the wolf too."

"I think it's cool," Lily said, "my sister and I are named after flowers."

Snape tensed up at that.

"Does your sister go here too?" I asked.

"No," Snape said, "she's a muggle."

Lily glared at Snape. "You need to be nicer to her."

"Why?" Snape said. "She's never been nice to me. She's so vile, and the things she said about you just because you are a witch." Snape scowled.

Lily sighed and Snape was ignored.

I was just glad the focus was off my name. I knew someone would figure out its relation to the wolf, but thankfully, it was just a name and no one should figure out that it described me perfectly.

I hadn't gotten far into my work before we were interrupted. Sirius came in, whining as he sat next to me, draping his arm around my shoulders.

"Remus," he said, "why are you always studying? Come help me and James with this…" he trailed off looking at Lily and Snape, "little project."

"I can't," I said, "I really need to get this done."

Sirius looked at what I was working on. "Transfiguration?" he questioned. "You're already the best in that class, I bet you could do what McGonagall does and transform yourself into an animal."

I shifted away from Sirius, scribbling down on my parchment.

"I really am busy," I said, hoping Sirius would leave me alone.

"Come on." Sirius pouted, I was powerless to resist.

"Fine," I said, "but give me twenty minutes."

"Ten," Sirius countered.

"Twenty."

"Five."

"Fifteen." I sighed.

"Yes, fifteen," Sirius jumped up, "don't be late or you'll be sorry."

I shook my head as Sirius left.

"I don't know how you can stand him," Lily said, "he's so… full-on, all the time, and he sticks to your side like glue."

I could feel my face heating up. "H-he's not that bad," I stammered, "he can be sweet sometimes."

Snape scoffed but I ignored him.

"You know what it's like," Lily said, "it's like he's a puppy and you're his master. His whole world revolves around you."

"I-I'm sure you're mistaken," I said, "we-we've only known each other a week. We're friends."

"Then why isn't he like that with James?" Lily asked.

I had no answer for her, so I packed up my stuff and left.

I'd only gotten one step outside the door before I saw Sirius waiting for me.

"Remy," he said, smiling widely.

Sirius put his arm around me and led me back towards Gryffindor Tower.

"Can't you study in the common room or dorm or something?" he asked. "Why do you need to go to the library for?"

"Because that's where the books are," I said.

"Send Peter to get the books, that's what James and I do."

I laughed. "I can't stay by your side all day, every day, Sirius."

"Why not?" he asked, stopping us, vulnerability all over his face. "I…" Sirius faltered and it was so unlike him. "I've never had a friend before either," he whispered, "Reggie and I are close, but he's my brother, not a friend. I… I'm sorry if I'm fucking this up, Remy, I just… I like being around you, you're my favorite person, but if it's bothering you I can stop. Give you time alone, or something."

I looked at Sirius shocked. The usually confident Sirius was bumbling like I usually did and I found it endearing.

"It's okay," I said and Sirius perked up a little, but he was still weary, "I like being around you too. You're more than welcome to come to the library and study with me."

Sirius scoffed, "not bloody likely," he said, "James and I are creating a reputation and we need to keep it up."

I shook my head remembering how just a week ago Sirius was certain that James was a prat and that they wouldn't get along, but I could see their tight bond forming, but it was different to what I had with Sirius and I wasn't sure why that was. I just supposed that different people had different kinds of friendships.

"Okay," I said, "when I don't need a book, I'll be sure to study somewhere that's close to you."

Sirius beamed. "You're the best, Remy." He wrapped his arm around me and held me close.


	5. The Whomping Willow

**The Whomping Willow**

"W-we shouldn't be here," I said, staring at the looming tree in the dusk, "D-Dumbledore said no one could go near this tree."

"Mate," Sirius wrapped his arm around me, "they planted a tree that literally defends itself and they expect us to stay away from it, they've gotta be kidding themselves"

"I agree," James said, "they were basically asking this. Don't tell me you're afraid, Remus?"

"Of-of course I am, it's called a Whomping Willow, I don't want to be whomped."

James laughed. "You need to live a little, have some danger in your life. You're too studious, always have your face stuck in a book. Come on, Remus, I dare you to touch it."

"You know I won't," I said. "Why would they even plant it here?"

"Maybe they're trying to hide something," Sirius said, "I'm going to go check it out."

"No," I said, reaching out to stop Sirius.

"Relax," Sirius said, his eyes drilling into mine, "I will be fine."

I let Sirius go, but clutched my wand tightly.

Sirius walked slowly towards the unsuspecting tree. It didn't move, it didn't do anything, but I was still on high alert. Sirius turned back to us.

"I bet it doesn't even do anything," he said.

James and I looked at the tree as it stretched it limbs above Sirius' head. We were both too shocked to tell him to move. It was as though everything was happening in slow motion.

The Willow bought it branches down and Sirius turned just in time to see his fate, all of the branches, moments away from pummeling him. I was still in a state of shock, but something unknown to me surged through me. I stepped forward, pulling my wand out.

"Immobulus," I yelled and the tree froze mid-air.

Sirius fell to the ground and started scrambling backwards until he ran into my legs. He looked at me in awe. My wand was still raised and I was out of breath. Sirius was about to die, or get seriously hurt, but now he was fine. I tried to calm down my breathing.

"You saved me," Sirius said, still in shock.

I snapped out of it and took a step back. "Well, someone's gotta keep your stupid ass out of trouble," I said.

"You just swore," Sirius said.

"I told you not to do it, Sirius," I said, anger overtaking me, but I wasn't sure why. "You were about to be killed. I-If I hadn't have acted." I shook my head, I couldn't even bring myself to voice my true worries. I didn't want to lose Sirius. I turned away from him, feeling my emotions overtaking me, this always happened so close to the full moon.

"Hey, Remy," Sirius said, standing up and hugging me from behind. "I'm sorry, Remy, I really am. You know how stupid I can be, I didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't scare me," I lied, pulling away from Sirius' embrace.

Our eyes met and we stared at each other for a moment.

"This is so cool," James said.

We looked at James who was now climbing the frozen tree.

"Umm, I wouldn't do that, mate," Sirius said, stepping forward.

"Why?" James asked. "It's frozen and Remus' spells never fail."

"Yeah, but that tree has a mind of its own," Sirius said, "what if it doesn't like to be climbed? What if it remembers you? What if the spell fails? Just come down, mate."

"You two are pussies," James said, "relax, it's fine."

"I'm sorry if I think it's stupid," Sirius said, "but it did just try and kill me." James wasn't listening. Sirius sighed and turned to me. "Is this how it is with me?" he asked.

"Sometimes," I said, "but you're not such a prat about it."

Sirius smiled. "What should we do? Leave him up there?"

"Maybe," I said, "or I could unfreeze it."

Sirius laughed. "You wouldn't dare."

"Why not?" I shrugged. "It's the only way he'll learn."

"You're right," Sirius said, "do it, Remy."

I gripped my wand tightly and said the spell. "Wingardium Leviosa."

"Hey, what the hell?" James said as he was lifted into the air.

Sirius chuckled. "I should've known you'd never do it. …How about you let him suffer up there for a minute or five?"

"Oh, I intend to." I smirked.

"…So, how have you been?" Sirius asked me.

"Not bad, not bad," I said, "and you?"

"Well-"

"Get me down from here, you idiots," James screamed.

"-but you know, that's how it is these days," Sirius continued.

"Stop ignoring me," James yelled.

"What's going on here?" Professor McGonagall asked from behind us.

I spun and as I did, James screamed as he dropped towards the ground. I quickly turned back and got control over James before he went splat. I set him down gently and then pocketed my wand.

"Didn't I specifically warn you not to touch this tree Mr. Potter and Mr. Black?" McGonagall said.

James ran away from the tree and McGonagall unfroze it.

"You're lucky none of you were seriously hurt," she said. "Who froze it? …Ah, Mr. Lupin, what are you doing here? Are these two forcing you?"

"N-No, Prof-Professor McGonagall. I-I heard what they were doing, I-I tried to stop them, but they wouldn't listen." McGonagall nodded her head, knowing exactly what I was talking about. "I-I thought if I came with, I could do something."

"Very well," McGonagall said, "twenty-five points off each, one detention, and I'm never to see you near this tree again Mr. Potter and Mr. Black. Now, back to bed where you're supposed to be."

"Um, Professor," James said, "you didn't say anything about Remus here."

McGonagall smiled at me. "I'm not going to punish him for saving you two from your own stupidity," McGonagall said, "now, back to bed."

We quickly made our way back to the castle.

"That's so unfair," James said, "talk about a teacher's pet."

I blushed. "I-I'm sure that's not why I got off," I said.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed, putting his arm around me, "this is good news for us, James, we can do whatever we want and not only will Remus be there to save us, but he won't get into trouble for it either. It's perfect."

Sirius clutched me to him tighter, resting his head on my shoulder for a moment. I smiled, I was glad Sirius was on my side no matter what.


	6. First Full Moon

**First Full Moon**

"Are you sure this one's wrong?" Sirius asked, trying to hand his piece of parchment back to me.

I didn't take it. "Are you questioning me?" I asked.

"No," he sighed, "I just want to do the fun stuff, why do we even need to do homework?"

"You're smart, Sirius," I said, "you're just lazy."

"You really think that?" he asked, abandoning his parchment all together and moving closer to me.

I looked at him, he was so close to me. The full moon was tonight and I'd been struggling to keep myself in check for days, but now, it was almost impossible. I shifted and looked back at my book.

"I do," I said, "some of those plans you come up with are genius."

"I thought you didn't like them," Sirius said, "you're always telling me off."

I looked back at him and he seemed even closer now, but I wasn't sure.

"I just don't like it when they're dangerous," I said.

"Why?" Sirius pressed, his eyes drilling into mine.

That question was so simple to answer, yet so hard.

"Mr. Lupin," McGonagall said from near the portrait hole.

"Y-yes, Prof-professor?" This was it.

"I need you to come with me," she said.

"O-okay," I told her before turning to Sirius. "Can you take my things up to my room for me?"

"Why?" he asked. "Where are you going?"

"I-I don't know," I stammered.

"Are you in trouble?" he asked.

"Mr. Lupin," McGonagall said, "time is of the essence."

Right. I looked at Sirius one last time and his worried eyes stared back into mine, but I couldn't reassure him. The full moon had never been kind to me and I assumed tonight would be no exception. I could only hope that it didn't end too badly.

McGonagall cleared her throat and I quickly scrambled towards her, not wanting to get into trouble. My eyes met Sirius' one last time before the portrait closed. I couldn't decipher his expression at all, but one thing I was certain of, he was concerned for me. It made me smile despite what I knew was coming.

McGonagall led me out of the castle and towards the whomping willow. I didn't know what was going on, but I kept my mouth closed.

"Remus," McGonagall said, freezing the tree with her wand, "I know you already know how to freeze the tree, but this knot here," she pointed to it, "freezes it too. Dumbledore planted it here to keep the tunnel to your location of change a secret. Come on, down here."

There was an opening at the base of the tree and I blindly followed McGonagall into the dark tunnel.

"Remus, this is Madam Pomfrey," McGonagall told me and I saw a nurse waiting for us, "she's the matron at Hogwarts and she'll be the one escorting you in the future. She will wait here for you on the night of a full moon, and the morning after when you're ready to head back. If there's an emergency where she's needed at the castle, then I will be here, you'll never be left alone."

"Hi, Remus," she smiled kindly at me, "please call me Poppy."

I nodded my head, but I was too scared to say anything. They seemed to be taking this seriously, but I didn't know if they knew the true extent of what I went through each full moon.

"Let's go," McGonagall said, "Dumbledore's waiting."

I followed them down the long tunnel. We were walking for a long while, but it eased my mind. I wanted to be as far away from the castle as I could be. I didn't want to hurt anyone and least of all my new friends.

McGonagall opened up a trapdoor and entered first. I pulled myself up and noticed I was in some kind of rundown shack. Dumbledore was there, using his wand to put up the necessary spells.

When he was done, he turned to face us.

"I'm sorry we haven't had much time to talk," Dumbledore said, "but I'm a very busy man. How have you been settling in, Remus?"

"G-good."

"And does anyone know your secret?" he asked.

"N-no, Sir."

"Very well." He smiled. "I've put up all the spells needed. Ones to keep you in and keep other's out. I've also put up a silencing charm, but your father has warned me that it's not completely fool-proof against the noises werewolves make." My face fell thinking about the other students hearing me. "I don't want you to worry about that though," he said, "you're currently in a shack by the mountains on the outskirts of Hogsmeade, no one comes here and it's far enough away not to be heard. You'll be safe here, Remus."

I nodded my head.

"Are you all set?" McGonagall asked, looking at me sadly. "Is there anything else you need?"

I shook my head no. "Y-you should go," I said, "it'll happen soon."

It was a lie, I just wanted to be left alone.

They nodded their heads, all looking at me in varying degrees of sadness and fear. I turned from them and listened as they left me.

"Remus?" Poppy said, resting her hand on my shoulder.

I turned to look at her.

"Tomorrow," she said, "I will be waiting at the tree for you. …I know this is hard, but try and focus on those you love right before the change."

There was something in her eyes, an understanding perhaps. Had she been around werewolves before, or had she just seen it all? I wasn't sure and I wasn't going to ask her, not right now.

She left too and then I was alone.

I wasn't sure what the shack looked like from the outside, but I could tell it was multi-storied because of the stairs. I pulled out my wand and used the spell my father had shown me to see all the wards. Dumbledore's were strong and he'd sectioned off the main room so that I couldn't get out of this room or go upstairs. It was secure.

I put my wand down and started getting undressed. I stripped down to my underwear and folded my clothes neatly, setting my wand on top of them in the corner. I looked out the window. I still had a little time, but not as much as I wanted.

This was my first official full moon all alone. Ever since I'd been bitten, I had my mother and father, but not now. I sat down on the floor with my back against the staircase wall. I was sitting in the light coming in from the window with my knees close to my chest. There was a breeze coming from somewhere and I shivered.

I'd never felt so alone before. I knew the pain would start soon and I was afraid at how I'd wake up. I tried to think of what Poppy had said, those I loved. I thought of my parents first and I missed them so much. The tears fell down my face and I angrily wiped them away. It was all because of my father that this happened to me. I knew it wasn't fair to blame him, but I wanted nothing more than to be normal, to be up in Gryffindor Tower right now with my new friends, with Sirius.

Sirius, I sighed. As it had gotten closer to the full moon, my wolf desires had tried to overtake me. It all started a few years ago, closer to the full moon, only then, I started noticing things in other boys. They weren't real-life boys, but the one's on my mother's television. I didn't know how to explain it, but there was a desire there.

I always tried to push those desires aside, but I'd felt them towards Sirius, and outside of the full moon, and it scared me. He was my friend, nothing more. I hated that the wolf made me feel these things towards him. I shouldn't be thinking of kissing him, that was for a man and a woman, not a boy and a boy.

I wrapped my arms around my legs and rested my forehead on my knees. Why did I feel these things? Sirius was just a boy, just like James, but I didn't feel these desires towards James or any of the other boys at school, only Sirius. It had to be the wolf inside of me, he was a separate being, he was the one who desired Sirius in that way, not me. I only wanted Sirius as my friend.

The moonlight shone in through the window and I looked at it in fear. One moment later, my first bone broke and I screamed out in pain. Then another, and another, followed by more screams of pain. I was on all fours, panting and sweating when my back broke and I fell to the floor. This was it. My mind went dark and the wolf took over.


	7. The Hospital Wing

**The Hospital Wing**

I gasped, awaking with a start. My body was so stiff. I groaned as I rolled onto my back. My pain intensified, but that was nothing new. I panted, trying to get my bearings back. The light came in through the window, shining into my eyes. I stared at it for a moment, this was my calm, the sun meant that the full moon was long gone.

When my senses came back fully, I allowed myself to sit up and take stock of my injuries. I had a fair few cuts, scrapes and bites on my front, but nothing I was worried about. My back hurt the most, but I couldn't see it clearly enough. I figured it was no worse than usual.

I crawled over to the corner where my wand and clothes were waiting for me. I'd lost my underwear in the change, but that was nothing new. Thankfully, I'd shoved a spare pair in my pocket before I came here. I slowly got dressed, trying not to focus on the pain. I could handle most of it, but there was just something about my back.

When I was dressed, I pocketed my wand and looked around the shack. It had done its job, it had kept me contained. I pulled open the trapdoor and carefully lowered myself into the tunnel.

The walk was long and I had to stop several times to catch my breath. As I got closer to the tree, I could see Poppy waiting for me. She was sitting on a chair, sipping a drink. I had no idea what time it was. I usually woke up mid-morning, but it all depended on how the night had gone for the wolf inside me.

Poppy stood up when she saw me and wrapped a thick blanket around my shoulders. She didn't say anything and I was thankful for that. Poppy led me briskly towards the castle and up to the hospital wing. I had a feeling all the students were in class and I hated that I was missing out.

Once in the hospital wing, Poppy made me sit down on one of the beds.

"Here," she said, handing me some chocolate, "eat this, it will help."

I didn't question her. I didn't really feel like eating, but if it delayed her looking at what I'd done to myself, delayed her seeing all my old scars, then I'd go for it.

I was smiling after the first bite. I didn't know if this was special chocolate or not, but it was making me feel good.

Poppy let me settle in and only came back once I'd finished the chocolate bar. She pulled the curtains around and just stood there. I looked at her awkwardly.

"Remus," she said, "I've seen it all before, you can trust me."

I nodded my head. I trusted Poppy, but it was still tough. I slowly removed my clothes, trying not to hiss in pain too much. Once done, I stood there numbly in my underwear as Poppy took in all of my old and new scars.

"Turn around," she said.

When I did, she gasped.

"Stand still, Remus," she said, "this will sting, but it needs to be closed."

I nodded my head, closing my eyes. Poppy said her spells and she was right, it stung. She kept at it for five minutes before my knees started to buckle.

"Oh, Remus, I'm sorry," she said, "here," she handed me some pajama pants, "put these on and lay on your stomach on the bed."

I did as I was told, and once I was laying back down, Poppy got back to work. Another five minutes passed and the burning intensified to pain. I kept quiet, but I was shifting all over the place. Poppy stopped and knelt by the bed.

"Remus," she said, "this is taking longer than I expected, can I give you a potion to help you sleep?"

My eyes went wide, I didn't want to be knocked out. Couldn't she just do her best and let me go on my way.

"How-how bad is it?" I asked.

"I can see the bones of your spine," she said and I gasped, "you're extremely lucky that you didn't sever your spinal cord."

Oh, this was bad. I could feel the tears prickling at my eyes. What if my parents found out about this and made me come home? I didn't want to leave Hogwarts.

"Remus, can I give you the potion?" she asked.

I nodded my head, not wanting to talk in case she could tell how upset I was. I just wanted it all over and done with so I could get back to my friends.

The potion didn't taste the best, and then I was out.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed, but when I woke up, it was dark out. My back felt warm and heavy. I carefully craned my neck to have a look at it, but it was completely covered.

"Remus?" Poppy asked from the darkness. "Are you okay?"

"How-how's my back?" I asked softly.

"It's healing," she said, "try not to move too much. It's late, do you think you can fall asleep on your own or do you want me to give you something?"

I just wanted everything to go back to normal.

"G-give me something," I said.

Poppy left and came back with my potion. It tasted different from the last one and once again it knocked me out.

Sometime later, I came to, but I was still under the effects of the potion. My whole body felt heavy and I couldn't open my eyes, but I could hear a familiar voice.

"This is bullshit, you know that," Sirius said, "I want to see my friend, you can't keep him from me."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Black," Poppy said, "but Mr. Lupin isn't up for visitors right now."

"Do you think I care about that?" Sirius said. "I won't disturb him, I just want to see that he's alright."

"Mr. Black, I'm sorry," Poppy said, "but I can't. Please leave or I'll get Professor McGonagall."

Everything went quiet and I assumed Sirius had left. I liked that he had come to visit me, it made me want to get better more than anything. I missed my friend. I closed my eyes and fell back asleep.

I woke up. I was still lying on my front, but I felt coherent and my back seemed better. Something was in my hand and I could feel something tickling my arm. I looked down at my arm in the low light and saw a lock of black hair, just one lock. It freaked me out, so I tried to pull away from it.

The grip on my hand tightened and the movement revealed more black hair. What was going on? Why was there hair on my bed? I rolled onto my side carefully and as I did more hair was revealed and then a face. It was Sirius, but why was he invisible?

Sirius stirred awake with my movements and he looked at me, his eyes wide. He sat up, his hand still in mine as whatever was on top of him slid off, revealing more of his body. He was real, he wasn't imaginary or invisible.

"Remy, you're awake," Sirius said. "Oh, thank Merlin you're awake."

"Why were you invisible?" I asked, surely my mind was playing tricks on me.

"They wouldn't let me see you," Sirius said. "I knew it was bad and they wouldn't let me in no matter how hard I tried. James told me he had this cloak of invisibility, I thought he was just pulling my leg, but then I needed it and he gave it to me. …Oh, Remy, what happened to you?"

"I… I…" I faltered. I knew I couldn't tell him the truth, but I didn't want to lie either. "I was attacked," I said, trying to stay as close to the truth as I could.

"Where?" Sirius asked. "By what? Tell me and I will make them pay."

"Y-you can't do that," I said, "it's okay, I'm okay."

I now understood why my parents kept me isolated, this was too hard. This was only my first full moon and Sirius was already concerned, he was already questioning me. I wouldn't be able to keep this a secret, not when it happened every month. Sirius wasn't stupid and I knew he wouldn't stand for my excuses.

"Sirius," I said, "I can't tell you." My eyes drilled into his, hoping he'd understand. I gave his hand a squeeze. "Please just let this drop."

Sirius scoffed. "You've gotta be kidding, Remy."

"Sirius, please," I said and his face softened a little, "this is bigger than us, just please."

"You're hurt, Remy. I can't just let this go."

"I-I know, Sirius, trust me, I know. If this was something I could talk about then you'd be the first and only person I'd tell."

"Really?" he asked.

I nodded my head.

"Can you promise me that this won't happen again?" he asked me and my face fell. "You can't, can you?" Sirius said angrily.

I shook my head no.

"How often?" he asked.

"Sirius," I pleaded, "I can't."

"How often?" he repeated.

"Once a month," I said.

Sirius pulled his hand away from mine.

"Every month?" he questioned.

"Sirius, please." I reached for his hand again.

"Will it always be this bad?" he asked.

"I don't know, maybe."

Sirius wouldn't meet my eyes and I hated it.

We sat in silence for a while and I hoped Sirius wouldn't leave me. He didn't even know the truth yet and he was struggling.

"Are you really okay?" Sirius asked after a while. He was staring at our hands before his eyes met mine. "No lies."

"I will be," I settled on.

Sirius didn't seem all too pleased by my answer, but it's all I had to offer him.


	8. Professor McGonagall

**Professor McGonagall**

"Here, let me," Sirius said, pushing my hands away and picking up my books.

"Thanks." I smiled at him.

I was out of the hospital wing, but Poppy had told me to take things easy.

"Why are you carrying his books?" Peter asked.

"How about you shut up," Sirius retorted.

Peter squeaked and quickly ran away from us.

"You should be nicer to him," James said.

"Why?" Sirius asked.

"Because we're stuck with him for seven years," I said.

"So?" Sirius countered. "I don't like him, there's just something unsettling about him."

"He has a fair point though," James said, "why are you carrying Remus' books?"

Sirius glared at James and didn't answer him.

James gave up and left us.

"D-don't worry about them," I told Sirius. "Thank you for carrying my books for me."

"How's your back?" Sirius asked.

"Tender," I admitted. I had decided that I wasn't going to lie to Sirius any more than I needed to, and even then, I wasn't sure.

I wanted to find Dumbledore and ask him if it was really necessary that I keep this from Sirius, surely I could tell one friend, but because I was afraid of his answer, I hadn't sought him out yet.

"Is there anything I can do?" Sirius asked. "Anything more than carrying your books?"

Sirius had seemed so helpless and that's why I let him carry my books. I knew he hated feeling this way, but in the end, it was only my books.

In the hospital wing, before he was discovered, I heard Sirius whisper that he wished he could take my pain away. It was incredibly sweet, especially against his bad boy persona and how he treated almost everyone else.

"Sirius," I said, carefully wrapping my arm around his shoulders, "you're doing more than enough, mate."

Sirius huffed, clearly not happy with that, but I wasn't sure what else I could get him to do. There had to be something though.

"M-maybe you can come with me," I said shyly, "when Poppy, I mean, when Madam Pomfrey checks my back. Maybe hold my hand or something."

Sirius stopped walking, his eyes searching mine. "You'd want that?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I mean, if you didn't mind. I just… I usually go through all this alone, but I know you want to help and… You don't have to, you know."

"Remy," he said sternly, "I'll come with you, but only if you're comfortable."

"Sirius?" I asked nervously.

"Yeah?"

"Why are you only nice to me?"

"What do you mean?" Sirius turned from me and started walking again, I followed.

"You snap at almost everyone, you swear in front of them, but you're only ever kind to me. Why am I different?"

"Do you want me to treat you like everyone else?" Sirius asked, his voice hard.

"N-no," I faltered.

"Then what does it matter?" Sirius said. "Come on or we'll be late for Transfiguration, you love that class."

I wasn't sure what it was, but I felt as though there was something Sirius wasn't telling me. I knew we were friends and that we were close, but he didn't treat me like everyone else. He was always sticking up for me, showing me his soft side. He didn't even do those things with James and they had declared themselves brothers. It didn't make sense.

Transfiguration finished and I saw this as my opportunity.

"Sirius, can you give me a minute?" I asked. "I need to speak to Professor McGonagall for a second."

"Sure," he said.

Sirius left and I approached McGonagall.

"Mr. Lupin," she smiled, "how are you doing?"

"G-good," I said. "D-do you think I could talk to Prof-Professor Dumbledore sometime?"

McGonagall frowned. "Is this something you can come to me with?" she asked. "I am your head of house and Professor Dumbledore doesn't usually see students. He'd make an exception for you, of course."

Could I ask her? I still thought I needed to see Dumbledore, but maybe I could test my question out on McGonagall first.

"Prof-professor Dumbledore warned me about keeping my secret," I said, trying to keep things vague, "but I don't know how long I can do that for. What happens if I end up in the hospital for more than a day each month? My dormmates are already asking questions. They want to know what happened, how I got hurt. D-do you think Dumbledore would let me tell one of them, just one, so I didn't have to lie all the time, so I had someone to confide in."

"Remus, have a seat? McGonagall said.

This wouldn't be good.

"I'm not sure how much your parents have told you," she said, "and there is no way what I'm about to say reflects upon you, but werewolves, generally, are not a good breed."

My face fell, was she calling me bad?

"Don't misunderstand my words," she said, "because I'm not talking about you, and I'm sure there are more werewolves out there who are inherently good, but the majority are not. Wizarding families, especially pureblood ones, like your dormmates, they've been brought up to think specific things about your kind. Dumbledore took a great risk in allowing you to come here, not everyone agreed, but he talked them into it. I don't think telling anyone is a wise decision and not this early on. You've only know them for a few weeks, Remus."

"I-I don't like lying to them," I said, "can't I just tell one of them?"

"I would strongly advise against it," she said, "but I can't give you that kind of permission, only Dumbledore can. Remus, in the end, it's up to you, but may I offer a suggestion. You're a smart boy, find a way to subtly bring werewolves and lycanthropy into conversation and only then will you understand how they might react. If it's positive, only then would I worry about disturbing Dumbledore with this matter."

I got up to leave.

"And, Remus," she said, "I know it's not the answer you wanted to hear and I'm not the person you wanted to speak to, but remember this, you can always come to me."

I nodded my head and left the classroom.

Sirius was waiting for me and I smiled at him as we headed for Gryffindor Tower. McGonagall was right, she hadn't given me the answer I wanted, but she'd given me something better, another option.

All I had to do was mention lycanthropy and see how James and Sirius reacted, though I wasn't sure if I could handle it if they reacted badly. I didn't want them to hate who I was. Maybe I was better off living in dreamland where Sirius and James accepted me, wolf and all.


	9. Testing the Waters

**Testing the Waters**

It took me two weeks to work up the courage and I still wasn't certain I was there yet. In that time, my back had healed fully, but it was scarred; nothing new there. Classes were going well, everything was going well, and here I was about to screw things up. Maybe. Part of me still thought that I'd mention werewolves and James and Sirius would be fine with it all.

"Remus, pay attention," James said, "what am I doing wrong?"

"You're not using your wrist enough," I told him. I was laying on my stomach on my bed trying to get some homework done.

"Come and show me."

"You'll never learn unless you do it yourself," I said.

"That's bullshit," James said, throwing his wand like a small child, "you're always helping Sirius, we see how it is, don't we Pete?"

Peter looked up from his book. "Umm, yeah."

"We all have our talents," I said, "and this clearly isn't yours. You're more athletic."

"Are you calling me stupid?" James asked. "It sounds like he's calling me stupid, right, Pete?"

"That's because you are stupid," Sirius said as he came over to my bed and sat against the headboard with his legs stretched out beside me.

"Nobody asked you, Siri," James mocked, laughing.

I felt Sirius tense beside me and a moment later his hand rested on my calf, gripping it.

"I have a question," I said, not wanting Sirius to go off on James, "have you ever met a werewolf before?"

"Why would you ask that?" James questioned.

"N-no reason," I said. "I just read about them in a textbook and I just wanted to know more about them," I rushed out, "the textbook only said bad things, so I just wondered."

"Remus," James said, "you can't see the good in everyone and everything, it's just not possible or realistic."

"I like that he sees good in everyone." Sirius gave my calf a squeeze.

"Really?" Peter said. "But you're a Black."

Sirius' grip tightened. "Peter, shut the fuck up."

I tensed at Sirius' harsh tone before relaxing.

"I'm not scared of you," Peter said, his voice wavering.

"Werewolves," I said, trying to get the conversation back on track, "so they're all bad, James?"

"All the ones I've heard about are," James said.

"I met one once," Sirius said and I tried not to tense up with his hand still on my calf. "Well, I didn't technically meet him, my dad did, but I saw it. He was an ugly git, looked like a wolf even though he was in human form, scarred beyond belief. I don't remember too much as I was so young, but he was horrible, always sneering, looking at me like I was a meal. It's not an experience I want to repeat. I think his name was Greyback."

This time I did tense up. Sirius had met Greyback, the werewolf who bit me.

"I've heard of that guy," James said, sitting on the end of his bed. Even Peter moved closer. "He's the worst of the worst. Did you hear what he did to that Ministry guy's son?"

"No," Peter said and I could've strangled him.

James continued. "Greyback was bought in for questioning because they thought he killed two muggle children."

"I bet he did," Sirius said.

I'd relaxed myself, but I knew it was all coming.

"They didn't know he was a werewolf," James said, "but one guy caught the signs. He tried to get everyone to see, to just hold the guy for twenty-four hours until the full moon, but they didn't believe him. The guy lost it, he said that all werewolves were soulless, evil, deserving nothing but death."

"Which is true," Peter said.

I willed myself not to react.

"They decided to let Greyback go," James said. "They were going to wipe his memory of the interrogation, but he managed to get away. Then Greyback went after the guy, he wanted revenge, so he broke into the guy's house and attacked his four-year-old son. The guy got there in time and cursed Greyback away, but the damage had been done, his son became a werewolf."

"That's so sick," Sirius said, anger in his voice, "you don't do that to a child."

"Wh-what about the boy?" I asked.

"What about him?" James said.

"D-do you think he's bad too, he must be if all werewolves are bad."

"He's probably dead," James shrugged. "Not many adults can make it through the change, so I doubt a little boy could, and even if he did, it's been over five years now. He was our age, you know, I remember my mom going crazy and hugging me extra hard when she heard about it."

"Okay," I said, trying to choose my next words carefully, "but if he survived, would he be bad?"

"Why do you even care?" James asked.

"I-I don't know," I said.

"I think he'd be bad," Peter said, "he's a werewolf, they're all bad, but James is probably right, he's dead, so who cares."

"Better off dead," James agreed.

I tensed again, I couldn't help it. They wanted me dead, or at least wished I was.

I lifted my leg so Sirius wasn't touching me anymore. He hadn't voiced his opinion and I didn't want to hear it. Sirius grabbed my foot and pulled my leg back down, resting his hand on my calf again. I turned to look at him, but he had his eyes closed.

"You know," Sirius said, "I think he could be good. I wouldn't want to meet him, but he could be good."

James scoffed. "You don't have to agree with Remus, you know," he said, "he doesn't care if no one's on his side."

"I like how he thinks, that's all," Sirius said. "It's always been bad, bad, bad in my life and I like that Remus sees the good in everything. We'd all be half as lucky if we saw the world the same way as him."

"You're such a fucking girl," James said. "You don't care if he disagrees with you, right, Remus?"

"Everyone's entitled to their own opinion," I said, "no matter how wrong they may be."

James started laughing uncontrollably and Peter looked confused.

"What does he mean by that?" Peter asked.

"He called you stupid," Sirius said.

"N-no, I didn't," I said quickly, "th-that's not what I meant, P-Peter."


	10. Second Full Moon

**Second Full Moon**

"It's tonight," I said and Sirius whipped his head towards me.

"Tonight?" he asked.

I nodded my head. We were sitting together at a small table in the Gryffindor common room.

"How long have you known for?" Sirius asked.

I wasn't sure how truthful I should be. No one had figured out my connection to the full moon yet, but they would with time and I didn't want to do anything that might help them along.

"It changes every month," I said. It wasn't a lie.

Sirius nodded. "How long?" he asked.

"I don't know, soon. I think McGonagall's coming again, she didn't say."

"Remy, I…" Sirius trailed off.

"What?" I asked, leaning closer to him.

"I wanted to ask you to be safe," he said, "but I know that's out of your hands. There's no way you'd do that to yourself." He ran his hand down my scarred back.

I shuddered at his touch and got back to work.

McGonagall appeared not long later, she didn't even call for me today. I stood up, not meeting Sirius' eyes. He stood too.

"Here," he said, taking his cloak off and handing it to me, "I don't want you getting cold."

I nodded my head and slid it on. "Thanks, Sirius, I'll see you later."

Sirius' face twisted in pain and I hated that this was hurting him. I left quickly knowing that there was nothing I could do or say to reassure him.

McGonagall led me to the main doors and stopped.

"Remus," she said, "this will be the last time I escort you. It's highly unusual for me to be visiting Gryffindor Tower so often. I trust you to get yourself to the tree, where Poppy will be waiting, each full moon. Don't worry about being out of bed, all of the professors and ghosts know that you're allowed. Is this something you think you can do?" she asked.

"Y-yeah," I said. It made sense. It would be easier to just slip out rather than be called out. I could make up a million excuses that way; fell asleep in the library, had detention, got locked out. It would be easier to keep everything a secret.

"Good," McGonagall said, "Poppy's waiting for you."

I left her and headed outside to the tree. We were nearing the end of October and it was starting to get cold, I was glad Sirius had given me his cloak to wear.

"Hi, Remus," Poppy said after I'd frozen the tree and slipped into the tunnel.

"P-Poppy," I returned her greeting.

I briefly wondered if she was going to abandon me too, but she didn't. She walked the whole way with me. I wasn't sure if it was to make sure I got locked in or if she really cared about me. It was probably both.

I lifted myself through the trapdoor and Poppy joined me.

"Are you all set?" she asked.

I nodded my head.

"I will be waiting for you tomorrow morning," she said, "and I'll have the chocolate."

I smiled at that. "Th-thanks, Poppy."

"Remember," she said, "think of those you love."

I wasn't sure if it worked last time, but I had no other plan.

Poppy left and I didn't waste any time today. I quickly got undressed and folded my clothes neatly in the corner, sitting my wand on top. I sat in my new spot, against the stairs, and waited for it all to begin.

My first bone snapped and I dreaded how I'd wake up.

* * *

 **Wolf's POV**

I stretched my back out, cracking my neck. Ah, it was good to be out again. It always took me a moment to gain my bearings, but when I did… Ah, it was so good.

I was trapped, nothing new there. I tried to find a way out, but it was hopeless. No matter, I'd make him pay for trapping me.

I tried to decide where to put the first scar. I'd done my back last time, almost killed him, but it wasn't deep enough. Maybe I'd succeed tonight.

I decided on the chest, it had been a while since it had been sliced open. My plan, aside from killing the boy, was to make it so no one would ever fall in love with him.

I wanted him alone, like me.

I stretched my fingers out, extending my claws. I paced around the room. It was hard to harm myself, the boy always fought me even if he didn't know it.

I was ready, I smiled and snarled. This almost made being trapped worth it. Almost. My fingers met my chest, digging in, but before I could slowly swipe down, savoring the moment. I stopped.

I could smell something, what was that? It was sweet yet unique. I sniffed the air. I'd never smelled anything like it. What was it? Where was it?

I let my nose lead me around the room until I found the mouthwatering scent in the corner. I pulled my claws out of my chest and bent down, still sniffing.

I found it, in this corner. I picked up the magical stick the boy used, too bad it didn't work for me. I threw it away. I threw it all away until I reached the black cloak. This was it.

I brought it to my nose, this was definitely it. I stood to my full height, the cloak never leaving my nose. What was it? Who did it belong to?

I could almost taste the sweetness and it went straight to my head. I tried to get closer to it, I tried to rub it on myself.

I ended up slashing the cloak as I tried to figure it out. I saw the rips in it and I didn't like it one bit. I liked this piece of fabric, it smelled good.

I calmed myself down, not wanting to destroy it. I rubbed it against me, hoping the smell would transfer. I wanted to be bathed in it, forever.

I tried to wrap it around me, but I couldn't. I growled. Why was this so hard? I heard it rip and I stopped trying. I couldn't destroy it.

I sunk to the floor, pulling it over my head. I was surrounded in the scent. It was so good, so mouthwatering. It calmed me and nothing calmed me.

I felt myself getting tired. This always happened, the boy liked to wear himself out in the hopes that it would wear me out too. I always fought it, not today though.

I was calm. I was safe. I was okay.

* * *

I woke up with something on top of me, it was like a blanket. I sat up slowly and the blanket fell off me, except it wasn't a blanket, it was Sirius' cloak. The wolf had found it? I tried to remember what happened, but it always took me a while, everything was foggy. I inspected the cloak, it was still in one piece, but it had been shredded. I hoped Sirius wouldn't mind.

My senses came back to me and I noted that I was stiff and sore, but I wasn't in any pain and that was unusual. I stood up and checked myself over. I had a few shallow puncture marks on my chest, but they were nothing. I wondered why I'd been spared. The wolf had clearly tried to harm me but he stopped himself. Why?

I decided it didn't matter. I got dressed slowly, not wanting to overdo anything. All of my clothes, and my wand, were strewn around the shack, but thankfully left undamaged. It was still early, the sun was barely rising. I looked around the shack, hoping the memories would come back to me and that was a first. Usually I wanted nothing more than to forget the horrors I went through as a wolf.

The memories stayed gone. I balled up Sirius' destroyed cloak and exited the shack.

Poppy was waiting for me at the tree and she had the chocolate as promised. I ate it on the way back to the castle. The chocolate made me feel good, just like last time, and because I wasn't injured today, it made me almost feel normal.

I wanted to go straight to my bed, but Poppy said she had to check me over. She promised me that she trusted me, that she knew I wasn't lying, but she needed to be sure. I let her. She fussed over my chest a little, putting some kind of paste on the wounds and then she made me wait until all the students were in class, so I wouldn't try and attend.

"Bed," she instructed me.

"Y-yes, Poppy," I said.

I slowly made my way back to Gryffindor Tower and it was hard passing by all the classes in session. I hated to be missing out on so much work, but I knew what I needed most was rest. If I could get enough sleep today then I might be able to return to classes tomorrow and that was a quicker recovery time than usual.

My bed looked so inviting as I walked into our dorm, but my fatigue was overtaking me and I didn't make it that far. I collapsed on the closest bed and hugged Sirius' cloak to my chest, drifting asleep instantly.

"Thank Merlin you're here," someone said and I groaned, burying myself further under the covers. I must've gotten in bed at some point. "Hey," they said, pulling the covers back, so my face was free.

I cracked one eye open and Sirius stared back at me. I couldn't help the smile that came across my face.

"I was worried about you," he said. "I checked the hospital wing, but it was empty. I was so afraid, but I tried not to panic. I'm glad you're here. Are you okay?"

I opened both of my eyes and smiled, nodding my head. "I'm okay," I said.

"What's this?" he asked, tugging something out of my arms. I didn't want to let it go, but I did. "Is this my cloak?" Sirius asked, holding it up and seeing all the damage I did to it. "What happened to it?"

I couldn't answer him and I think he realized this.

"It's okay," he said, "it's only a cloak."

He handed it back to me and I looked at him confused.

"You can keep it," he said, "it looks like it protected you or something. Either way, I'd rather it be torn up than you."

His words were too real and I felt myself tearing up. The time around the full moon always made me feel more emotional.

"What is it, Remy?" he asked, sitting on the bed and running his hand through my hair.

"N-nothing," I said, trying to hide behind Sirius' torn up cloak.

Sirius laughed, but it was soft and not mocking at all.

"Well," he said, "you can crash in my bed anytime, okay?"

Oh no, I was in Sirius' bed? This was so embarrassing. I covered my face completely with his cloak and Sirius laughed.


	11. What's Wrong?

**What's Wrong?**

"Remus, hey, Remus," James said, before throwing his quill at me.

"What?" I snapped.

"Where Sirius?" he asked.

"How would I know?" I focused back on my work.

"How would you know? How would you know? Don't be daft, Remus. Everyone knows it's you and Sirius, so where is he?"

"I haven't seen him since last night," I said.

"Last night," James mused, "and you're not worried? Did he even come back to the dorm last night?"

"Well, I assume he did." I stopped writing.

"Do you not find that weird?" James asked. "How am I the one who's concerned here and not you? How did I figure this out before you?"

"Figure what out?" Peter asked, joining us.

"When's the last time you saw Sirius?" James asked him.

"I don't know, three hours ago," Peter said. "Why?"

"And how did he seem?" James asked.

Why wasn't James letting this go?

"I don't know, normal, I guess," Peter said. "What's going on?"

"I've got it," James said, "Pete, what did he say to you?"

"I don't know, nothing, I don't think."

"Nothing? …That's it," James said, "something is up. Remus?"

James' eyes drilled into mine. That was weird, Sirius ignoring Peter, he never missed a chance to let his words fly at the boy, but I still wasn't worried.

James groaned. "Peter, where did you last see him?"

"I don't know, by the astronomy tower, I think."

"You can just sit here if you want," James said to me, "but I'm going to find my best friend. I thought you actually cared about him, Remus."

James left and I stared after him before getting back to my work.

"What was that all about?" Peter asked.

"I don't know," I said.

Peter huffed and left.

My mind went to Sirius. It was a little weird that he hadn't been around me today, but I doubted anything bad could've happened. James was right, Sirius and I were close, if something happened, he would come to me. I think he just needs some space.

"Hi, Remus," Lily said, "is it okay if we sit with you?"

"Of-of course," I said, moving some of my papers. "H-hi, Severus."

"Remus." Snape nodded.

"What did you get on the Transfiguration test?" Lily asked me.

"110."

"But it was only scored out of 100," Snape said.

"There was a bonus question on the back," I shrugged, "I think most people missed it."

"I barely had enough time to finish the actual questions," Lily said, "let alone do the bonus one. That test was impossible. I only just managed to scrape a 73 and I don't know how I did it."

"What about the test we had in Charms?" Snape asked me.

"Umm, I'd rather not say," I said, dropping my head. I'd been working my tail off in all of my classes and I'd yet to receive anything less than a hundred. A lot of this stuff I knew already because my mother and father taught me young. None of us thought I'd get into Hogwarts and they didn't want me to be an uneducated werewolf.

"Come on," Snape said, "we're all friends here."

"100," I mumbled, but Snape heard me.

"Potions then?" Snape asked.

"Sev," Lily warned.

"No, tell me," Snape said, "I've seen you in that class, you're not the best at it."

That was true and that's why I worked twice as hard. I still wasn't as good as Snape, but I was good enough to get my potions as close to perfection as anyone else's.

"Leave him alone," Lily said, "you don't have to answer him, Remus."

"If you're so brilliant," Snape said, "then why hasn't Professor Slughorn asked you to be in his club, he asked me the first day, you know?"

"I do know," I said, Snape had only told me a million times, "and I've seen who's in that club, it's all flash and no real talent." Snape glared at me. I'd offended him and that wasn't my intention. "What I mean is that-"

"I think you made yourself perfectly clear," Snape said, gathering his things. "I'll see you later, Lily."

"Ignore him," Lily said, "he can get too intense at times."

I nodded my head and got back to work. I worked for another hour before making my way back to Gryffindor Tower. James was digging through his trunk and there was still no sign of Sirius.

"Did you find him?" I asked.

"So now you care?" James said, head still in his trunk.

"You know I care, James, I just know Sirius."

"Then where is he?" James sat up. "I even went to McGonagall, but she knows nothing. I searched for a whole hour and couldn't find him anywhere."

"He'll show up," I said, packing away my things.

"Remus," James said, "I'm really worried and I hate that you're not."

"Sirius is tougher than both of us combined," I said, sitting on my bed. "He'll show up and he'll be fine."

"There it is," James said, pulling his invisible cloak out of his trunk, "what idiot put it in invisible side up?"

"Does Peter know about that?" I asked.

"Of course not," James said, "I only told Sirius, and you only know because he needed it to see you. Did you know how worried he was when you went missing? And now he's done the same thing and you don't even care."

James was overreacting, unless he had a reason to that I didn't know about.

"Why is this bothering you so much?" I asked. "I know you and Sirius are best friends, but there's gotta be something else."

"Do you know anything about the Black family?" James asked me.

"Not really," I said, "only what Sirius has told me. Why?"

James sighed. "I can't tell you, mate," he said, "but if you knew, then you'd know why I'm so worried. I'm going to go out again, do another sweep. I'm not coming back until I find him. Do you want to join me?"

"No, I'll wait here."

James looked at me resigned and then promptly left.

I got that he was worried, I did, but Sirius would be fine and he would come back here if anywhere.

The hours ticked by and Peter came up for bed. I stayed awake, reading, looking at both James and Sirius' empty beds, they were nowhere. Now I was starting to get a little worried, but I knew it was too reckless to go out and search for them, I didn't want to get in trouble. Why hadn't I gone with James? Why hadn't I believed him? Was I a terrible friend?

I looked at Sirius' empty bed for the millionth time. He'd come back to sleep, he would. I bet he was just waiting for us all to fall asleep. His curtains were already drawn on the side that faced Peter, I got up and closed the other side, so I didn't have to see it empty anymore.

As I stood by his bed, I remembered the last time I was in it. Sirius had said I could use it anytime and I was starting to feel tired. I was so sure he'd come back and I didn't want to be asleep when it happened. I climbed into Sirius' bed and tried to stay awake, it was futile, but I knew if he came back, I'd wake up.

Sometime later, I was stirred awake by movement. I sat up and rubbed my eyes.

"James?" I questioned upon seeing Sirius silently climb onto the bed. I knew James wouldn't come back until he had found Sirius, he was too stubborn.

"Ssshhh," Sirius said, "he's in his bed."

I nodded my head. Even in the darkness, I could tell something was wrong, there was something in Sirius' voice.

I grabbed my wand. " _Silencio_ ," I said casting a silencing charm around the bed.

"What was that?" Sirius whispered.

"A silencing charm," I said, talking at a normal level.

"I didn't know that worked on objects," Sirius said, still speaking softly.

"I didn't use it on an object," I said, "it's an extension of us. Very hard to do, it took me years to master, but it's helpful for when you want to keep things private without silencing the people within."

"So, no one care hear us?" Sirius asked.

"No, trust me, it's fool-proof."

"I trust you," Sirius said and then I picked up on it, his voice was hollow.

"Sirius, what happened? _Lumos_." He wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Hey, talk to me," I said, resting my hand on his cheek.

"She knows," he whispered.

"Who knows? And what do they know?" I asked.

"My mother, she found out I wasn't in Slytherin."

"Who told her? Your cousin?"

"No, it was Malfoy," Sirius said bitterly.

"Who's that?" I asked.

"Lucius Malfoy, he's a seventh year and he's dating Cissy. They had a fight, I don't know, and he told them. …My mother, she's not happy, Remus. She thinks I'm filth, that I dishonored the Black family name on purpose. I… I… I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. I… I asked Dumbledore to put me in Slytherin, I pleaded with him, but he wouldn't do it."

"You were going to leave Gryffindor?" I asked, feeling hurt. "You were going to leave me?"

"What house I'm in has no bearing on our friendship, Remus. Nothing would've changed."

Didn't he understand that everything would've changed?

"I like having you here," I admitted, "I don't want you to go."

"Well, you don't have to worry about that because it's impossible," Sirius said, anger overtaking him before a wave of sadness hit him. "You don't understand, Remy."

"Then help me."

"I can't."

I understood that more than anyone.

"Where have you been?" I asked instead. "James was worried sick."

"And you weren't?" Sirius cocked an eyebrow.

"Well, umm, no, well, a little bit, but I knew you'd come back. I thought whatever it was, you just needed time alone."

"Oh, Remy," Sirius pulled me into a hug, "thank you for understanding me."

"Can you tell me anything about why you're so afraid?" I asked, pulling back.

Sirius shook his head no. "We both have our secrets, Remy, and mine isn't one I can share. It will be alright, I'm sure of it, once my mother has time to calm down and process it. She still has one good son after all. I'm tired, do you think we could get some sleep?"

"Of course." I extinguished my light and went to leave.

"Stay with me," Sirius said, pulling me down onto the bed with him. We were face to face with about a foot in between us. Sirius casually draped his arm over my hip. "Thanks for being here with me, Remy."

"Of course, Sirius."

A piece of hair had fallen in front of Sirius' face and I itched to move it out of the way, but I couldn't bring myself to. Instead, I turned away from him. Sirius' hand never left my hip and I fell asleep next to him.

I woke up alone, but I knew that would be the case. Sirius was the silent type when it came to his problems, I was just glad he let me in on them.


	12. Third Full Moon

**Third Full Moon**

Sirius was still avoiding everyone and everything, and it had been well over a week now. He came to class every now and then, but he just sat there, with his head resting on his desk. He wasn't talking and it was so weird. I gave him his space, but James was freaking out.

Sirius and I had our moments; eyes meeting across the distance, a simple touch of our hands if we passed by each other in the hallways, an especially bad night when Sirius climbed into my bed. He thought I was asleep, but I was a light sleeper and his movements woke me. I didn't let him know and he wrapped his arm around me, pressing his face into my back before falling asleep.

When I had free time, which wasn't often, I looked for him, but I couldn't find him anywhere. I still wasn't worried.

I looked up from my book as the staircase I was on changed course. I sighed knowing I'd have to take the long way to my next class. Two hallways later, I spotted him. The hallway was relatively empty and Sirius was staring at the ground.

I made sure our paths would cross and when I got close enough, I grabbed his wrist. He pulled away, staring at me furiously, but it softened when he noticed it was me. He didn't say anything, but I did.

"Tonight," I told him and he nodded his head before he left. I knew he liked to know when I was going through my monthly transformation even though he didn't know the details.

I went to class and Sirius didn't show up, not that I thought he would. I took extra notes so he wouldn't get behind, but I knew Sirius didn't care about classwork like I did.

Sirius was missing for the rest of the day and I was starting to worry. My transformation last month had gone so smoothly and although I hadn't remembered what the wolf did, I knew it had to do with Sirius' cloak. I was selfishly hoping he'd give me another one tonight. I might just have to take the shredded one with me, but it no longer smelled like him. Maybe that didn't matter.

"Have you seen Sirius?" I asked James, knowing that I would have to leave soon.

"Professor Binns gave him detention," James told me.

"But Binns never gives detentions."

"I don't know, mate," James said, "but I knew his absences would catch up with him eventually."

So Sirius wouldn't be here to see me off. My heart sunk, this would be the first time he hadn't been around.

"Are you alright?" James asked.

"Yeah, sure," I said, gathering up my work. "I've got something to do before curfew."

I took all my books back to my room. I hated that Sirius wasn't here, but I had to remind myself that this was normal, what I was used to. I'd been doing this alone for years. When I got to my dorm, I carefully put my books away.

There was a cloak sitting on my bed and I frowned, I didn't leave it out. I pulled it on and noted that it was a little longer than mine. I looked at it more closely, trying to figure out who's it was. There was a small piece of parchment rolled up in the wand pocket. I pulled it out and unfurled it. It held two words.

 _Be safe._

Sirius. I smiled. I sniffed the cloak, yep that definitely smelled like Sirius. I took another whiff, letting it calm me. Even though Sirius was going through his own problems, he was still thinking about me. I hid the note in my trunk and left Gryffindor Tower with a newfound confidence.

This was my first time making it to the tree by myself, it went fine. I was used to doing things alone. I froze the tree when I was close enough and something caught my eye in the branches. It looked like a book. I didn't hesitate. I climbed up the frozen tree so I could get a closer look.

There was a little hollow in the tree where all the branches stemmed from. I picked up the book, it was a fifth year Defense Against the Dark Arts textbook. Had someone thrown it up here? It looked brand new.

It was bookmarked on a certain page: _defending yourself against dark curses without the use of a wand_.

Someone had been up here. I flipped to the front of the book hoping it held a name. _Narcissa Black_.

Sirius, this must be where he's been hiding. No wonder I could never find him, but why was he researching how to defend himself? Was he just curious or did this have something to do with his mother?

The wind blew and I looked up at the sky, the moon was almost here, I needed to move. I set the book back where I found it and quickly climbed down.

I unfroze the tree and quickly slid into the tunnel.

"Remus," Poppy said, "you're cutting it close."

"Y-yes, sorry," I said, walking towards the shack, "I-I got distracted, it won't happen again."

"Okay," she said, "a little faster please."

I nodded my head and picked up my pace.

I made it to the shack and pulled myself through the trapdoor. Poppy didn't follow me today.

"Good luck," she said and I shut the trapdoor behind me.

It was close, too close. I quickly pulled my clothes off. I threw them and my wand into the far corner, but kept Sirius' cloak close hoping it would please the wolf inside me. I sat against the stairs and two minutes later my first bone snapped. It had been too close. I shouldn't have bothered climbing the tree, but I didn't regret it. I was glad I now knew where Sirius was hiding, it made me feel better.

* * *

I woke up with Sirius' cloak wrapped around my hands. I sat up slowly, hoping that I wasn't injured. My body protested, as usual, but I couldn't feel much pain. I looked down at my chest I had a few scratches, but they weren't deep. I felt good, but these things took time. I needed to wait until all my senses were back.

My senses snapped into place and I let go of Sirius' cloak, grabbing my shoulder. Something was wrong, it felt like it was on fire. I looked at it, there were no obvious scratches or bites, but it was bruised. What had happened? I tried to move it, but that only made it hurt worse. It was so painful, I'd never done whatever this was in a transformation before.

I slowly got to my knees and tried to get dressed, it was impossible. I got my pants, socks and shoes on, but there was no way I was getting my shirt back on. I grabbed Sirius' cloak, it was ripped up again, but not as bad as last time. I threw it over my back and pulled it around me, it would have to do. I pocketed my wand and grabbed my shirt.

Lifting the trapdoor with one hand was hard, but I managed it. Usually I lowered myself into the tunnel, but I'd have to jump today. I weighed up my options and I decided to just go for it. I jumped down, but lost my footing.

I reached out with my sore arm and screamed in pain as my full weight went against my shoulder. Something cracked and I fell to my knees. What happened to me? Would Poppy be able to fix it? Poppy, I needed to get back to her. I struggled to get to my feet, but it was useless, I was in too much pain. I fell back to the ground, curling into a ball.

Poppy must've heard my scream echo down the long tunnel because she came running.

"What's wrong, Remus?" she asked, kneeling beside me.

I pointed to my shoulder and Poppy carefully examined it without moving it.

"It's dislocated," she said, "suspected broken collarbone too. I'll know more once we get back to the castle. Do you think you can stand?"

"N-no," I whimpered.

"Okay, I'm going to pick you up." Poppy slid her arm underneath my knees. "This is going to hurt, Remus, support your arm the best you can."

I held my injured arm at the elbow as Poppy picked me up. The movement jostled my shoulder and I gritted my teeth.

"Do you know how it happened?" she asked, taking my mind off the pain.

"N-no."

"I've seen this type of injury before," she said, "I think you tried to get out using your shoulder as a battering ram."

But why would I do that? The wolf wasn't that stupid, he knew he was trapped. It had been a long time since he had tried to escape, it made no sense.

"Perhaps there was something you needed to do," Poppy suggested.

That didn't make sense either.

"Someone to see."

Her comment made me pause. Had the wolf wanted to see someone? He liked Sirius' cloak… Sirius. No, the wolf wanted Sirius, why? I couldn't let that happen. I didn't want the wolf to hurt Sirius or to kill him. My face drained of all its color just thinking about it and Poppy picked up her pace.

We made it back to the tree and I had no idea how Poppy managed to get us out of the tunnel. The pain was starting to overtake me, so I tilted my head back, looking at the Whomping Willow as we walked away from it. Sirius' hiding spot. I searched the tree, hoping he'd be there, and I saw two wide eyes staring back at me.

I watched Sirius as he skillfully managed to climb out of the live tree and dodge its wild limbs as he rushed over to us.

"What happened?" he asked.

Poppy turned to face him. "Mr. Black, this doesn't concern you."

"Like hell it doesn't," Sirius said. "Remy, talk to me."

"Don't," Poppy warned me. "He will be fine, Mr. Black, if you would allow us to get back to the castle."

"Let me hold him," Sirius said.

"I don't think that's wise," she said.

"Let me hold him," Sirius' voice was firm.

"P-Poppy," I said, "it's okay." I could see that she was struggling under my weight, she was only a slight thing and she'd carried me far enough already.

"Fine," she said, "but be careful with him, Mr. Black, especially his shoulder."

I held onto my elbow tightly as I was transferred into Sirius' arms. I breathed a sigh of relief when I settled and I stared up at him.

The cloak had fallen open and I realized too late that Sirius was staring at my scarred chest. I tried to cover it up, but I couldn't. Sirius bent down and pulled the cloak back over me. I could see nothing but sadness and determination on his face. No disgust, but maybe he was hiding it. No one would tolerate my scars, I knew that much.

"Come on, Mr. Black," Poppy said.

He nodded and strode towards the castle with me in his arms. I continued to stare at him, everything felt better when he was around. Now that I felt safe, I closed my eyes and turned my face into Sirius' arm. My shoulder still hurt, but I was okay now.

We made it to the hospital wing and Sirius was instructed to put me on the bed.

"Mr. Black," Poppy said, "thank you for your help, but you can leave now."

Sirius faltered, staring at me.

"Mr. Lupin will be fine," Poppy said. "He will be back in his dorm this afternoon and you can visit him as much as you want then."

Sirius was still torn.

"The moment my last class is finished," he told me and I nodded my head.

Sirius left and Poppy got to work.

"I'm sorry," she said, "but this is going to hurt and I didn't want you to have to go through it with Mr. Black watching. I can tell you both care for each other, but some things need to be kept private."

I didn't understand what she meant, but I nodded my head regardless. One minute later, I understood. Poppy had grabbed my hand and rested her other one on my sore shoulder. I screamed in pain as she popped them back together. It hurt so much that I started crying, but as it settled, it felt better. Poppy was right, I didn't want Sirius to see me go through that.

Poppy picked up her wand and started healing my bones, it was an odd sensation, but it didn't hurt as much as I expected.

"Drink this," she told me and I did. "Don't move your arm, I will be back."

She came back with an already open bar of chocolate and a sling. She helped me sit up so she could put the sling on.

"Now," she said, "everything is healed, but you have a lot of soft tissue damage so you're going to have to keep your arm immobile for a few days. Eat this."

She handed me the chocolate bar and stepped away. Halfway through the chocolate bar, I started to feel good. It had to be magic chocolate.

"Is this special chocolate?" I asked when she came back with a potion.

"No," she smiled, "just regular chocolate. It's amazing, isn't it? It boosts your mood almost immediately, makes you feel a lot better."

I nodded and continued to eat. My mind went to Sirius, maybe if I gave him some chocolate he'd feel better. I missed him.

"I want you to take a sip of this potion three times a day," Poppy instructed, "it will help you heal."

"P-Poppy, do you think you could give me some more chocolate? It's just, I have a friend who hasn't been acting like himself and I thought it might make him feel better."

"Of course, Remus," she smiled, "stay here and I'll grab another bar."

I finished off my chocolate while she was gone and sat there against the pillows. My shoulder was stiff and sore, but it was no longer painful and I was so thankful for that.

Poppy came back with the chocolate and she helped me stand up. The movement hurt my shoulder a little, but it was okay. She slid the chocolate bar into my sling and pulled Sirius' cloak around me, securing it tightly.

"You might want to get this cloak altered," she said, "it's a bit big on you."

I smiled. "It's okay," I said.

Poppy handed me the potion and my shirt. "Off to bed, straight there," she said, "rest for the remainder of the day. If you feel up to it tomorrow you can go to class, but don't push yourself, Remus. Keep that arm still and remember to take your potion."

I nodded my head and made the long trek back to Gryffindor Tower. This time I didn't wish I was in class, I was too sore and too emotional. I made it to my bed and pulled Sirius' cloak off. I put the potion and Sirius' chocolate on the nightstand between our beds. I was going to give the chocolate to him when he finished his classes. I hoped it would make him feel better, even just for a little while. I hated seeing him sad and distant.

I pulled my covers back and kicked off my shoes, sliding into the bed. I couldn't pull the covers over me properly with one arm, so I grabbed Sirius' cloak and used it as a blanket. I fell asleep almost immediately.

I woke up later and wondered what time it was. My arm was sore, so I decided to have a sip of the potion. As I looked at the nightstand where I'd set it, I sat up in a panic. Sirius' chocolate was gone. I'd put it right there with the potion, where was it?

I looked around the room and my eyes fell on Peter who was sitting on his bed eating it. I flew into a rage. That was for Sirius.

I grabbed my wand and was on top of Peter before he knew it. My wand pointed at his face. I was so angry.

"That wasn't yours," I snarled.

"Wh-what wasn't mine?" Peter cowered back, but I moved with him.

"Why would you come over to my bed and take my chocolate?" I asked. "Are you stupid? You must be."

"I-I didn't mean to. I just came in and I saw it and I was hungry."

"And that gives you a right to take it?" I asked, touching my wand to his forehead.

"What's going on here?" James entered the room.

I spun and pointed my wand at him, my face twisted in rage.

"Umm," James lifted his hands, "Remus, it's just me, mate."

"Leave us alone," I told him eerily calm. James faltered. "Now," I roared.

James left and I turned back to Peter. He'd taken the distraction as his chance to scurry into the corner. I walked over to him, pointing my wand at him again. I could do so many things to him, but which curse was best?

That was Sirius' chocolate, to help him feel better, and now it was gone. I leaned over Peter and he whimpered. I laughed. Good, I was glad he was suffering, he deserved it.

"Remy, don't," Sirius said.

"He took it," I snarled, "he needs to pay."

Sirius walked towards me. "Peter," he said, "get the fuck out of here before I let Remus curse you."

Peter scampered away and I wasn't happy with that.

"Why would you do that?" I roared. "It was for you and he took it, now it's gone."

"What was for me?" Sirius asked and I couldn't understand how he was so calm.

"The chocolate," I roared, "I got it for you and he ate it. Filthy rat."

"Remy, you need to calm down," Sirius said, "this isn't you."

This isn't me? What did he know? This was me, this was who I am and who I'd always be. I'd worked hard to suppress this side of me, but no more. Peter would pay for crossing me.

Sirius wrapped his arms around me and pulled my head against his chest. I fought it even though it hurt my shoulder.

"Come on," Sirius pleaded, "calm down. This isn't you, Remy. Calm, you can do it."

I gulped in his scent like I needed it to survive and it was calming me down. I continued to struggle against him because I didn't want to be calm right now, Peter needed to pay, but it was all futile. The longer I stayed in his arms, the more I calmed down.

When I had calmed down fully, everything hit me. How could I attack Peter like that? He was so scared and I made him feel like that. I pulled away from Sirius and he let me.

His eyes dropped to my chest and I realized I had no shirt on. Everyone had seen my scars. How could I be so stupid? I couldn't help it, the tears fell. Sirius grabbed me and crushed me against his chest again.

"Don't worry about it," he said.

That was easy for him to say, he wasn't scarred like me. He hadn't shown everyone what he was so desperately trying to hide. I felt disgusted in myself. Everything had been going so well, but it was all starting to unravel.

"Fuck them," Sirius said, "if they care, or they look at you differently, then fuck them. We don't need them, Remy."

I pulled back and looked at Sirius. What about him? Why didn't he care?

"Wh-what about you?" I asked and Sirius looked at me confused. "D-don't you hate me? I'm disgusting."

"Oh, Remy," Sirius said, "we all have scars, remember that, some are just hidden on the inside."

I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Anyway," Sirius said, tinting pink, "I think you're perfect."

He did? I didn't believe him. No one could think that about me.


	13. Hexes and Happiness

**Hexes and Happiness**

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked from his bed.

"Never you mind," I said, carefully putting the powder I'd made up on the floor, making sure there was no gaps.

"I think this concerns me," Sirius said. "Why are you putting powder around our beds?"

"I'm going to teach that rat a lesson," I said.

"Peter?" Sirius questioned. "I thought you let that go."

"I can't," I said, completing my line on the floor. "I need to get my revenge. I can't move on until I do, just, trust me."

"Are you going to tell me what this is?" Sirius motioned to the powdered line surrounding our beds.

"No." I picked up my wand and started the incantation. I was just making it so that Peter would never touch our stuff again.

I moved around the room, making sure I got the whole line. When it was done, I stood back and said the final spell. The powder rose to the roof, making a fine mist, and then it was gone.

"Now are you going to tell me?" Sirius asked.

"Call Peter in here if you want to see." I went back over to my bed and packed away my potion ingredients.

"Peter," Sirius called out, "Peter."

"Yes?" Peter appeared at the doorway.

"Can you come here for a moment?" Sirius asked.

"Why?" Peter wisely didn't move from the door.

Maybe my previous actions had been enough to warn him off, but I didn't care. This was a more permanent solution and he still needed to pay for taking what wasn't his.

"Come on, mate," Sirius said, "it'll only take a second."

"Okay." Peter cautiously walked towards Sirius' bed.

I tried not to smile, I didn't want to spook him.

Peter reached the line and when he went to step over it, he couldn't. He froze, his foot in the air, and his face immediately broke out in puss-filled boils.

"What's going on?" he asked stepping backwards, reaching towards his face. "What did you do to me?"

"Peter," I said calmly, "I think you should go to the hospital wing, that looks pretty nasty."

"What did you do to me?" he asked again.

I turned my back on him. Surely, he could connect the dots on his own. If not, I'm sure he'd figure it out soon enough.

Peter left the room and I turned to Sirius.

"Remind me not to get on your bad side," he said.

"I wouldn't worry about that," I told him. There was no way I'd curse Sirius.

"Was the chocolate really worth all this?" he asked.

"Yes. He's lucky I didn't do anything worse."

"You know," Sirius stood up, "I can get you more chocolate."

"You can?" I asked, perking up. I was still angry that I hadn't been able to give it to Sirius.

"Yeah," he said, "but if you're going to give it to me, it's not worth it, I don't really like chocolate."

Oh. I dropped my head. Why wasn't this working out like I planned? All I wanted to do was make Sirius feel better. I sat down on my bed, looking at my hands.

"Why is this so important to you?" Sirius sat next to me. "You know I don't want anything from you."

Sirius bumped his shoulder against mine.

"I just want to make you feel better," I admitted.

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"It's like you've got a Dementor around you," I said, "you're so unhappy, not yourself. You weren't even happy with me cursing Peter, you live for that stuff usually. I just wanted to make you feel better for a small moment. I wanted to see your smile and hear your laugh, listen to your stupid jokes."

"My jokes aren't stupid."

They were.

"Chocolate always makes me feel better," I told him, "so I thought it might work for you too. It's stupid, I know, but it's all I had. …What do you like?" I asked desperately. "What can I do to make you feel better? How can I help you?"

"Remy, it's not that simple." He sighed.

"Can you at least try the chocolate then?" I asked. "Just one piece?"

Sirius looked at me for a beat before answering.

"Okay," he said, "one piece."

I smiled, hugging him. "Yes, thank you, Sirius. Now, where do we get the chocolate from?"

"Let me show you." Sirius stood up and pulled me with him. He paused at the line. "Is this safe to cross?" he asked. "I don't want puss-filled boils."

I laughed. "It's fine," I said, stepping over the invisible line, "I used Peter's hair, it will only affect him."

Sirius was still hesitant and he quickly jumped over the line.

"How long will it last?" he asked.

"No idea," I shrugged, "hopefully forever."

"How did you learn that?" he asked as we left the dorm.

"It's just something my father taught me," I said. My father had taught me when we learned I'd be starting at Hogwarts, he wanted me to be able to keep the wolf secured if need be.

"Your knowledge is impressive," Sirius said, "but also scary. There hasn't been a spell you couldn't do yet."

"It's all about practice and concertation," I told him as we entered the common room.

"What did you do to Peter?" James asked, he was sitting by the fire, close to Lily. "He came down here crying, face leaking puss, saying that Remus had cursed him."

"He had to be lying," Lily said, "Remus wouldn't do that."

"Lily's right," I agreed, "I would never curse him."

"Yeah," Sirius put his arm around me, "I did it. Peter was being a real prat, but don't worry, he'll survive."

"What was that?" I asked as Sirius pulled me through the portrait hole, his arm still around my shoulders.

"You're good and kind, Remy," he said, "I get that you had to get Peter back for whatever reason, but no one needs to know that. I don't mind taking the blame, it's nothing to me."

"You know," I said, "that's incredibly kind of you."

"I guess," Sirius said, "but that little fact can stay between us."

I chuckled. I didn't know why Sirius was so against it. I liked being known as kind and nice because it was everything the wolf would never be. It balanced me out. If I could be a good man then it wouldn't matter if I was a bad wolf once a month. At least, it shouldn't.

But Sirius was the opposite, he wanted everyone to know that he was bad and harsh and uncaring. And he was those things, but he was also kind and sweet and nice.

"How's your arm?" Sirius asked, looking at my sling.

"Fine," I said. It was getting better as time passed.

"Did the cloak not work this time?" Sirius asked. "I thought that was it. You were fine last time, better than the first time and the cloak was the only difference, right?"

"Sirius, this isn't a prophecy," I said. "It's out of my hands and it's going to be different every time. Your cloak helped though," I assured him.

"How do you know?"

"I've been doing this for a long time," I said, "and I'm always out for days afterwards. My shoulder, this is nothing, this is easy, trust me. I know you saw my scars, and more importantly, the fresh scars on my back, the ones I got two months ago. That wasn't even as bad as it can get," I said.

Sirius stopped walking, his face went pale. "It gets worse than that?" he asked.

I nodded my head. "So," I said, "as you can see, your cloak helped. Thank you, Sirius."

Sirius was quiet as he led us the rest of the way.

He stopped in front of a portrait of fruit and I watched confused as he tickled the pear. The pear squirmed and laughed before transforming into a green doorknob. Sirius opened the door.

The room was just as big as the great hall and I had a feeling we were directly underneath it.

"How did you find out about this?" I asked amazed as I looked around the vast room.

"McGonagall told me."

"What?" I wasn't expecting that answer at all.

"She noticed I wasn't eating, so she pulled me aside and showed me. She's a good head of house."

I nodded my head in agreement.

"Mr. Black," a house elf came over to us, "what can I get for you, Sir?"

"One chocolate bar please," Sirius said and the elf ran off.

"Please?" I mocked him. I'd never heard Sirius say please before.

"What?" he said. "I know house elves."

"Do you have one?" I asked.

"Yeah, but he doesn't like me. The one's here are nicer."

The elf handed Sirius the chocolate bar with a curtsy. "Anything else, Mr. Black, or Mr. Black's friend?"

"No, thank you, Buttons," Sirius said.

The house elf left us.

"You know her name?" I smiled. "That's so sweet."

"No, it's not." Sirius handed me the chocolate bar.

I took it, but gave it straight back to him. Sirius didn't grab it, what was he waiting for? I pushed it against his chest. He sighed, taking it.

"I really don't like chocolate," he said, leading us out of the kitchen.

"You said you'd have one piece." I reminded him.

"Only one," he agreed.

I nodded my head, I would take it.

Sirius broke off a piece and I watched him eat it. I really hoped it would make him feel good like it did for me.

I waited until he swallowed before I spoke.

"Did it make you feel better?" I asked.

"No," Sirius said, "but thank you for trying, Remy. Here," he handed me the bar, "you can have it."

I took a bite and it worked instantly for me, how come it didn't work for Sirius?

"I'm going to figure out what makes you happy," I said, "then I'm going to get a bunch of it."

"I wouldn't worry about that," Sirius said.

"Why not?" Did he like being sad?

"Because I already know what makes me happy."

"Y-you do?" I asked. Why hadn't he told me? "What is it?"

Sirius smiled and wrapped his arm around me. "Just eat your chocolate," he said.

"Sirius," I whined, "tell me. I don't care if you don't care, but your happiness is important to me."

"I know," he smirked, "just eat your chocolate, Remy."

That wasn't fair. Why wouldn't he tell me? I looked at him and he had a blissful smile on his face. Maybe the chocolate had worked and he just didn't want to admit it after all the fuss he'd made. I decided to let it go, Sirius was happy now, I could see that, and I just hoped it would stick around.


	14. Saying Goodbye

**Saying Goodbye**

"No, like this," I said, taking Sirius' wand hand and turning it sideways.

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked. "I've never seen anyone hold a wand this way before."

"Trust me." I tightened my grip.

We were currently up in the hollow of the Whomping Willow, Sirius' hiding spot, and I was sitting behind him with my chest against his back.

"Now," I said, guiding his hand, "you just have to move your wrist in this motion and when you hit this point, you flick your wrist, fast, back to neutral." I let go of his hand. "See, that's why it's easier to start off sideways. You give it a go."

"Okay," Sirius said, leaning further back against me.

I rested my chin on his shoulder so I could watch his movements.

"Good," I smiled, "now with the words."

Sirius repeated the actions. " _Protego Totalum_ ," he said softly.

"You've gotta mean it, Sirius," I told him, "try again."

Sirius tried again and there was a small flicker out the end of his wand, but that was it.

"This is pointless," he said, "I'm never going to get it."

"It's not pointless," I wrapped my arm around his stomach, "you know how important this is and you know it'll make me feel better if you know how to cast it."

"What about you?" Sirius asked, turning to face me. "Is it going to happen?"

"No," I lied.

"But it always happens near the end of the month."

"Sirius, I'll be fine, you on the other hand…" I trailed off.

Sirius was still depressed, but he let his guard down a little around me. I could tell he was scared and that's why I was trying to teach him this protection charm. I wasn't sure what was going to happen, but Christmas Break was almost here and I knew Sirius' fear was due to him returning home for the holidays. If he could learn this charm, then he could protect himself in a space of his choosing.

"No need to worry about me, Remy," Sirius said, turning back around and trying the charm again. It still didn't work. "What am I doing wrong?"

"You need to mean it," I said softly.

"But how am I supposed to do that when there's no danger here?" he asked.

"Imagine it," I said, "close your eyes and imagine yourself at home." Sirius tensed in front of me. "Don't stop, I know it's hard, but you need to. Think it through fully," I told him, "think of the fear, let it surround your mind, but don't let it overtake you. When you're ready, try it again."

Sirius took his time and I let him. I rested my forehead against his back and waited.

" _Protego Totalum_ ," he said, his voice was still soft, but it was strong. "I did it, I did it," Sirius said.

I pulled back and opened my eyes. I was used to protection charms so I could see it glimmer in the air around us. I wrapped both of my arms around Sirius, hugging him from behind.

"I knew you could do it," I said.

* * *

"Two weeks off," James said, packing his trunk, "thank Merlin, I need a break. What about you, Pete?"

"The break will be good," Peter said, eyeing me nervously.

I smiled, I didn't regret hexing Peter. He hadn't come into our area again so it was worth it. I told James where the line was and he passed it onto Peter. I didn't want Peter thinking that the whole room was off limits to him, it was only mine and Sirius' section he couldn't enter.

"Remus?" James asked.

"I'm looking forward to seeing my parents," I said, "I've never been away from them for this long, and writing to them just isn't the same."

"Sirius?"

"Yeah, should be good," Sirius said and I could tell he was lying. I let it drop as now was not the time nor the place to do anything about it.

"Okay," McGonagall called out, "everyone leaving for Christmas Break, it's time to go."

I made sure I'd finished packing my satchel and then headed downstairs. The break was only for two weeks, so I wasn't taking much with me. James on the other hand was taking his whole trunk, Merlin knows why, and Sirius was taking nothing but the clothes on his back.

Sirius followed me and slid my satchel off my shoulder, taking it for me. I smiled at him. My shoulder didn't need to be in a sling anymore, but it was still tender.

We found a compartment on the Hogwarts Express and I sat on the same side as Sirius with James and Peter opposite us. Sirius leant against the window and stretched his legs towards me. It reminded me of our first trip to Hogwarts. I didn't even know Sirius then, but we'd already gone through so much together. It was hard to believe that it had only been three and a half months.

I draped my arm across his ankles and just enjoyed the last moments we had together. I knew the two-week break would be tough, and not just because I had a wolf transformation to go through, I was dreading missing Sirius more. I'd gotten so used to him being around all the time.

Neither of us said anything and I had no doubt Sirius was reflecting my sadness. James and Peter talked and I half listened to them. They were both looking forward to the break. How easy their lives must be to have no worries, unlike Sirius and me.

The train pulled up to the station and I stood up. Sirius didn't move though. I busied myself, pretending to grab my bag as James and Peter said their goodbyes and left. I pulled my satchel down and looked at Sirius who was staring at me intently.

"Are you sure it isn't going to happen?" he asked.

"I'm sure." I was still lying, but I wasn't going to let Sirius worry about me during his break. "You'll use the protection charm if you need to?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said, finally standing up. "I got you something." He handed me a block of chocolate.

"Thank you, Sirius." He was so thoughtful. "I didn't get you anything, sorry."

"All I want is for you to be safe," he said, and it reminded me of the note he left me, "can you do that for me?"

I couldn't promise him that, so I shifted from foot to foot.

"Remy," he said, his voice tight.

"Sirius, you know I can't control what happens."

His face fell and a moment later I was in his arms experiencing the fiercest hug I'd ever received.

"You'll try though," he said, "for me, right?"

"Of-of course," I said, "but only if you do too."

Sirius pulled back, chuckling darkly. "Don't worry about me," he said.

"But I do," I admitted, looking at the ground, "all the time, I can't help it."

"Oh, Remy," Sirius said. "You don't know how much I wish we could've stayed at Hogwarts, but I'm expected to be home and I know you miss your parents."

"It's just two weeks," I told him, but we both knew how long that could be. "We should probably go before the train takes us back to Hogwarts," I said. "Thank you for the chocolate."

Sirius nodded and we left the train. I saw my parents immediately and I didn't hesitate to run into my mother's arms. I had missed them so much and I knew they had missed me too.

"Remus, my boy," my father hugged me, "it's good to see you"

"You-you too, Dad, Mom, I missed you both so much."

"Let's go," Mom said, "I don't want to waste any of the time we have together." She wrapped her arm around me and I glanced behind me, trying to find Sirius.

I caught his long black hair and saw him standing on the platform, looking around for his family. He was all alone, looking dejected. I wanted to invite him to come with me, and I almost did, but then Sirius tensed up and I saw a mean looking woman approaching him. Sirius dropped his head, becoming meek, and I hated seeing him like that.

"Come on, Remus," my mother said, "eyes forward, pick up your feet. What manners has that school been teaching you?"

I walked faster, but didn't turn from Sirius. I wanted to see more, I needed to know. His mother looked so cold and distant, there were no hugs like I got.

Sirius looked up and his eyes met mine. My heart sunk. There was nothing but pure unadulterated fear on his face and I wanted nothing more than to run to him and protect him.

Sirius smiled sadly at me and then he was gone, his mother had apparated him away.

I had only one thought, we should've stayed at Hogwarts.


	15. Christmas Break

**Christmas Break**

"It's been so good having you home," my mother said.

"Yeah," I replied absentmindedly. It had been good, but it had also been strained. I wasn't sure exactly why that was though.

"Are you all set for tonight?" my father asked.

"Yeah." I wasn't.

I stared at the book in front of me, I was pretending to study while I really stared at the note Sirius had left me: _be safe_. I hoped he was being safe too. We hadn't written to each other, we didn't mention it beforehand, so I had vowed to let him decide if we were going to or not. It was hard, I'd think of him more often than not.

"What do you think about using the chains tonight?" Dad asked.

"They don't lock me up at school," I said quietly, "the wards are enough to keep me secure."

"It's for your protection, boy," he said, "those fresh scars on your back, that won't happen if you're chained up."

I nodded my head. I wasn't going to argue. I hated being chained up, it made me feel like an animal.

"We should head down soon," he said.

My eyes darted from the book. Soon? The sun was still high in the sky. This was so unlike Hogwarts I realized. I knew it was because my parents cared for me, but now I'd seen the other side, saw the trust put in me at school, it was hard. I wasn't a little boy anymore.

I nodded my head again. _It's just for tonight_ , I reminded myself. Tonight, and then I would be back at Hogwarts until the summer. One transformation, that's it.

My eyes went back to Sirius' note again. I wanted to take it into the dungeon with me, to have a piece of him with me, but I didn't want to destroy it. I closed the book, trapping Sirius' note in between the pages. I stood up, deciding to put the book safely back in my satchel before tonight.

"Are you ready?" Mom asked.

"Umm, just let me put this away," I said, making my way to my room.

When I got there, I just sat on my bed. I had no real attachment to this room, we'd moved so often growing up; whenever the neighbors got too suspicious or my screams got too loud. I'd never had a solid home. I couldn't help but think that Hogwarts might be it. It definitely felt like more of a home than here.

I shoved the book safely in my satchel and headed back out. I knew if I took too long they'd come for me and I didn't want that.

I entered the living room and my parents were waiting at the door to the underground dungeon. Why did they both have to be here? I approached the door and my dad opened it, heading down first, I went next, and mom followed.

When we reached the bottom, it was smaller than I remembered, dirtier too, dark, wet, cold. I eyed the chains on the wall, were they really necessary?

"Come on," Dad said, "you know the drill."

I shivered as I took my clothes off.

"All of them," my mother said, "no need to waste a perfectly good pair of underwear."

I slid them off too and turned my back to them.

"I think Hogwarts is making you soft," Dad said. "Come on, boy, against the wall."

I stood in place and Dad cuffed my wrists.

"Spread your legs."

"Please, Dad, the hands are enough."

"Remus," he sighed, "this is for your own protection. Come on now, no time to lose."

My eyes went to my mother, silently pleading her.

"Listen to your father," she told me.

I nodded my head and widened my stance. My father put the metal cuffs around my ankles, double checking them. When he was satisfied, he retreated, standing next to my mother.

"We'll see you in the morning," she said, smiling at me, and then they were gone. No worry on their faces, no well wishes, no hugs, nothing. It had always been the norm, they were used to this and I didn't know any different, but now I did.

I had my routine at Hogwarts. It began by telling Sirius that tonight was the night, then we usually shared some words. Sirius would tell me to be safe, he'd give me his cloak. I'd get to the tree on my own, Poppy would be there. I'd make it to the shack and I was free to disrobe as much as I wanted, sit where I wanted, not be tied up. I thought of Sirius as I waited for the moon. In the morning, I'd slowly get my senses back, get dressed, leave when I wanted. Poppy would be there, she'd help me back to the castle, she'd give me chocolate. Sirius would find me, he'd be so worried, he'd make me feel better.

Being here, this wasn't what I wanted. I couldn't even sit down, I was being forced to stay standing all night. I knew the position made it so I couldn't attack myself, but it would only make the wolf angrier.

To make everything worse, it wasn't even close to dusk. It was going to be a long night and I knew it would be tough to survive.

I tried to spend my time thinking about Sirius, but that only hurt. Something was going on at home for him, I knew that. James had asked me if I knew about the Black family, he'd been so worried when Sirius was missing. Something went on there, something bad. Sirius had been fearful and that wasn't him at all.

I had to stop thinking about him, it was only stressing me out and I needed to stay calm.

It was near impossible not to think about Sirius, so I stuck to the good memories, all the moments we'd shared together so far. I was looking forward to many more. When my first bone broke, I accepted it and let the wolf overtake me.

* * *

 **Wolf's POV**

I was back, this was good. A month was too long between my appearances.

I stretched my body out, but soon realized I was trapped, more so than usual.

I growled loudly, moving my arms, trying to free myself. My feet were tied too. I needed to break free.

I thrashed back and forth, growling and snarling, snapping. Why would they lock me up? I'd been good lately. The boy hadn't resorted to this the last three times, why now?

I was somewhere different, back where I once was. It was dark and cold here. The new place, the place I liked, had a window, it was open, I was free to move around.

I didn't like this. I needed to be free. Why would the boy do this to me? He needed to pay.

I snarled, doubling my efforts. Freedom, I needed it and I needed it now. Constant, non-stop. I was going to break free.

I don't know how long it took, but I managed to free one of my arms. This was it, the boy would pay.

I extended my claws, this time, I would kill the boy. I had no reason to live if this was how things were going to be. I wouldn't allow him to tie me up each month.

I dug my claws into my neck, deep, and dragged them down slowly. This was it. I wasn't afraid of death.

 _Him._

I paused, growling, claws coming to a stop in my neck. What was he doing in my head? I didn't know him. I growled louder. I needed to keep going. Death would be swift and painless.

 _Be safe._

I couldn't do this. The words repeated and rattled around in my head. No, I roared. Death, only death. I started pulling my hand down again, slicing my neck open.

 _All I want is for you to be safe. Can you do that for me? …You'll try though, for me, right?_

"No," I roared, pulling my other hand free from the wall. I couldn't do it.

I was torn. My hand continued to slice my neck open, but I couldn't go through with it. Death needed to wait. I had to try.

I used my other hand. The only way I could get out of this would be if I could render myself useless. I had to stop myself.

I dug my fingernails into the hand attacking my neck. I had to stop this, for good. I started at my wrist and swiftly pulling my hand downwards. My claws shredded my right hand into three parts, still attached to my wrist.

I wailed in pain as my fingers abandoned my neck and I fell to the ground cradling my injured hand. What had I done?

* * *

"How did he break free?" someone asked.

My head felt heavy, my body weak. I was too tired to move or respond.

"Is he dead?"

I felt someone touching me.

"No."

"What are we going to do? We can't take him to St. Mungo's. …Lyall, what are we going to do?"

"I don't know. …We could leave him."

"What?"

"Wrap his hand up tightly, attempt to heal the wound on his neck, put him back on the train in a few days. Let them deal with him."

"Lyall, he's our son."

"I know that, Hope, but look at him. He's getting too strong for us, too powerful. If he had broken free completely he could've killed us."

"Lyall."

"Hope, you can't deny the past three months. Things have been easier with him away. He was our sole focus, but not anymore, we can live our lives again. Think of it rationally, from now on, he stays at school, for all the breaks, that way we'll only have to look after him during the summer. You know this is the right choice. Look at him, he's almost dead. He's either going to kill himself or someone else. We can't control him anymore."

"Lyall… You're right. I'll go grab the bandages."

"Grab the sleep potion too, the next three days will go more smoothly if we can keep him unconscious down here."

Someone moved my legs. Were they talking about me? Someone else? What had they said again? Everything was so foggy.

"Here, boy," my father said, "open your mouth."

I did, the potion was thick, and then I was out.


	16. Returning to Hogwarts

**Returning to Hogwarts**

"Careful with him, Lyall," I could faintly hear my mother say.

I was on the move, but I had no idea what was going on.

"Did you grab his bag?"

"Yes."

"Then let's go," Dad said. "Platform nine and three quarters."

The train, Hogwarts, was it time to go back already? I couldn't wait to see Sirius again.

Everything went fuzzy.

"I don't think we should be doing this," Mom said.

"Relax, Hope, he will be fine." My father set me down on something. "Give me his bag."

"Do we give him the potion now?"

"We're going to have to." I felt something press against my lips. "Here, boy, drink this."

I was barely coherent so my dad did most of the work. Once the potion hit my stomach, I felt a little better, more alert, but not enough to open up my eyes.

"Remus," my mother whispered, "it's just us," she said. "I have to be quick. I'm not sure what you remember, but I promise you this. When you come back this summer, things will be different. I love you and I'm not giving up on you. Your dad will come around, I'll make sure of it. Just… Don't worry about it, enjoy your time at school."

Silence. I still didn't feel like opening my eyes, but I wanted to know where I was. The potion was lifting the haze that had been over my mind. I blinked, noticing I was in a train compartment. I sat up quickly and looked out the window. Where was everyone? The platform was empty. I saw the clock on the wall, it was early, the train wouldn't depart for at least another three hours.

I finally had enough sense to take note of everything. There wasn't much pain, it was there, but it was dull. I remembered the transformation, I knew my neck had been sliced open, I also knew the wolf had stopped himself by clawing our hand, but I couldn't remember why he stopped us.

I looked at my hand first. It was completely covered in bandages, but there was some yellow and red discoloration seeping through the many layers. I didn't bother to look any closer, I wasn't going to unwrap it with no one around to help me. It could stay hidden until I was back at the castle, when Poppy was around.

My uninjured hand went to my neck, it was covered too. I pulled the cover back and looked at my reflection in the metal of the luggage carrier. I had three red screaming scars. I pulled my shirt down to see how far they went. They went from just above the base of my neck to right above the bottom of my pec. It wasn't too bad and it was healing.

I let go of my shirt and that's when it hit me, this scar was visible. One of the claw marks went well-above my shirt line, but the other two weren't covered by much either. People would be able to see them. I put the bandage back on, sticking it tightly and pulling my shirt up. I wouldn't be able to cover them completely. I sat back on the seat in defeat.

I didn't know what I would do. I'd always been able to cover my scars, but not anymore, and they looked fresh, people would ask questions and I had no idea how to answer them. I just wanted to hide away, cover everything up, so that's what I did. I pulled my cloak off and threw it over myself. I knew I still had time until the students would come, so I curled into a ball and attempted to get some sleep.

"Ssshhh," I heard someone hiss.

I didn't move.

"Are you sure it's Remus?" Peter asked.

"Pete, shut up," James said. "Yes, it's him, that's his bag. Let him sleep."

"Have you seen Sirius?" Peter asked and my heart beat faster.

"Not yet, but he'll be here."

"What do you think they did to him?"

There was silence.

"Don't know," James whispered, "but I wouldn't want to be him. What house you're sorted into is very important to families as old as his. I can't imagine it was pleasant, and to be placed in Gryffindor… He'll be lucky if he's still breathing."

"My family thought I'd be in Slytherin," Peter said, "but I showed them. …Gryffindor, I still can't believe it."

"Yeah, well shut your mouth before Sirius gets here."

"Did he tell you about his mother?" Peter asked.

"No," James sighed, "I figured it out. His reaction to the sorting hat, the fact that every Black has been a Slytherin, his disappearance, his fear on the train ride home. My dad used to tell me about the old families, how they ruled harshly, preparing their kids from a young age. They don't have the same ideals as some of us."

"But Sirius is different?"

"The hat put him in Gryffindor," James said, "but if you ask me, that doesn't mean much. Maybe he's just a little more brave than cunning. Who knows, but I like him, well, when he's not worried about shit he's going to face at home."

So, Sirius had gone through something with his mother? My heart sunk. I hoped he had used the protection charm I taught him, I hoped he hadn't been physically scarred like me.

The compartment door opened and I held my breath. No one said anything and it had me worried. I was too afraid to uncover myself, I didn't want the questions to come.

Peter finally broke the silence. "What happened to your hair?" he asked and James hissed at him.

"Nothing," Sirius said, "just decided to cut it off."

Sirius had cut his hair? He loved his long hair.

"What's he doing in my spot?" Sirius asked and I tried not to tense up.

"Don't know," James said, "he was like that when we got here. Figured we'd be nice and let him sleep."

More silence, but I felt the seat dip beside me and a moment later Sirius' hand was on my covered leg. I pulled it away from him, I couldn't help it, I couldn't let him find out.

"Is that one of those jackets the muggles wear?" James asked.

"What?" Sirius said.

"That black jacket you're wearing," James said, "it looks like something a muggle would wear."

"I don't know what you're talking about, it's dragon hide."

"Dragon hide," Peter said, "that must've cost a lot, what is it? Norwegian Ridgeback?"

"No," James said, "that looks more like Hungarian Horntail to me."

"Neither," Sirius said, "it's Hebridean Black."

"You know that's illegal, right?" James said. "How'd you even get it?"

"Just ran into a guy… Why all the questions?"

"Do you know what they do to people they catch in possession of Hebridean hide?" James asked. "You need to get rid of it."

"No," Sirius said firmly.

"Why? It's just a jacket," Peter said.

"You wouldn't understand," Sirius sighed, "just forget I told you and don't let anyone know or you'll pay."

More silence. Sirius didn't try and touch me again.

"Are you sure he's not dead?" Peter asked. "Sirius, check on him."

I tensed up again. No.

"How about you check on him," Sirius said and Peter squeaked in fear, "that's what I thought."

"I really think you should at least check, mate," James said, "if you don't, I will."

I tensed again.

"Fine," Sirius gritted out.

I rolled over underneath my cloak so I was facing away from James and Peter, and so that my injured neck was now pointing downwards. Sirius carefully pulled the cloak off my head and my eyes met his before I saw his hair. His beautiful hair, it was almost all gone, just a thin layer of black remained, it didn't look right. Sirius leaned closer to me.

"Forget about it," he whispered, "it's just hair."

Sirius grabbed the cloak again and held it up so it was blocking us from James and Peter, I knew this was it. I turned onto my back and Sirius looked at my neck, frowning. I needed to keep being brave, so I pulled my hand out from under the cloak and rested it on my chest.

"Fuck," Sirius hissed.

My eyes went wide, I didn't want the others to know.

"Is he dead?" Peter asked.

"Shut the fuck up," Sirius growled. "What happened?" he asked me quietly.

I made a move to grab my wand and Sirius helped me. I held it in my left hand and it just felt wrong. I was shaking like a leaf. Sirius' hand wrapped around mine to help steady me and then I said the two spells I needed, an illusion charm and a silencing one. I nodded my head and Sirius dropped the cloak.

"I thought you told me it wasn't going to happen," he said.

"And you told me not to worry about you," I said, my voice weak.

"It's just hair," he repeated, "it doesn't fucking matter."

"Yes, it does."

Sirius glanced towards Peter and James, but I had put a wall up so they couldn't see us clearly, it was just blurry.

"I…" Sirius started, but stopped. "Your charm worked perfectly, Remy," he smiled at me, "I put in on my room, it became my safe haven from her. She tried to punish me several ways, but nothing worked. It was because of you. Before, I only had my family, but now I had you and it made me stronger. She figured me out in the end, it's no secret that I prefer my hair long, so she cursed it off. …It's never going to grow back."

"It will," I told him and he looked at me guarded, "it might take a while to find the exact curse your mother used, but it can be broken. We will figure this out, Sirius."

"What about you?" he asked, carefully pulling the bandage off my neck. He hissed when he saw my new scars.

"Everyone's going to be able to see it," I whispered.

"Fuck them," Sirius said.

He went to grab my hand next, but I pulled it away.

"Don't," I said, "I don't… It's bad… I don't…"

Sirius grabbed my hand anyway and started unwrapping the bandage. I closed my eyes, I didn't want to look at it. I couldn't feel my hand at all, so I knew it was bad. The bandage was stuck to my skin and Sirius carefully pulled it off when he saw no reaction from me. Once my hand was uncovered, there was nothing, no gasps from Sirius, nothing.

I opened my eyes, not daring to look at my hand. Sirius was wearing an expression I'd never seen before and I couldn't figure it out. My eyes went to my hand next. It was almost unrecognizable, torn to shreds, puss and blood leaking out, no healing had been done. It was a mess. I closed my eyes, trying not to cry.

"Tell me who did this," Sirius said, deathly quiet.

I shook my head no.

"You know about my mother, tell me."

I couldn't tell him.

"Remy, tell me."

"I… I…" I stuttered. "I did it."

"Fuck," Sirius hissed, pulling away from me. Of course.

I pulled the cloak back over my body and undid my charms.

"So," James said, "how was the quick fuck?"

Silence.

"Sirius, what's wrong?" James asked.

More silence.

Sirius now knew part of the truth and he hated me, just like I knew he would. I'd always be alone, that was the life of a werewolf, I never should've believed that I could have friends.

Sirius shifted beside me, scooping me up in his arms. He hugged me tightly and my chest rested against his chest. I breathed him in, I'd missed him these past two weeks.

Nothing was said, but it didn't matter. I felt cared for in his arms, I felt loved. Sirius wasn't turning his back on me and it was more than I could've hoped for.


	17. Tell Me

**Tell Me**

"Are you coming?" James asked us.

The train had arrived at Hogsmeade Station, but I hadn't moved from Sirius' arms.

"Can you take Remus' bag?" Sirius asked, standing up with me in his arms. I was still completely covered by my cloak.

"Ah, yeah, sure, mate."

"Remy," Sirius said, hitching me up, "you're going to have to wrap your legs around me."

Right. He hitched me up again and I wrapped my legs around his waist. I put my non-injured hand on his shoulder and kept my injured one between us.

Sirius didn't complain, he just started walking. The walk was long, but aside from Sirius hitching me up every so often, nothing much happened.

"Where are you going?" James asked.

"Nowhere," Sirius answered, "just take Remus' bag up to our dorm."

Sirius went upstairs and I kept myself hidden.

How could Sirius be so uncaring when it came to what others thought of him? I would never be able to carry another person around the castle, I'd be too worried about what everyone else thought.

"What's going on, Mr. Black?" Poppy asked once we'd arrived at the hospital wing.

"It's Remus," Sirius said and I could hear the worry in his voice, "I found him on the train like this."

"Very well, very well," Poppy said, "sit him down."

Sirius sat me on the bed. I didn't want to leave his arms, but I knew I needed to get checked over. I still couldn't feel my hand, it was just numb or something. Sirius pulled the cloak off me and I instinctively turned myself away from them.

"Remus," Poppy said, walking around to the other side of the bed, "can you show me what's wrong?"

I looked up, moving my head to the side so she could see my neck.

Poppy pulled the bandage off completely. "It doesn't look too bad," she said.

"Show her." Sirius' voice was hard.

I pulled my hand off my lap and Poppy gasped when she saw it. I closed my eyes. I had never heard her gasp before, it must be bad. Poppy moved my hand examining it.

"How did this happen?" she asked.

I didn't answer.

"He said he did it himself," Sirius told her and my eyes shot open.

Poppy nodded her head. "Thank you, Mr. Black, but that will be all."

"I'm not leaving him," Sirius said.

"Mr. Black, we're not going to go through this every time," Poppy said, "I need to step out for a moment and I expect you to be gone by the time I come back."

She left and Sirius took her place.

"I'm not leaving," he said.

I didn't know what I wanted. Part of me wanted him to stay, but another part wanted him gone if whatever Poppy had to do to my hand would hurt. She hadn't even started yet, what did that mean? Was my hand beyond repair? It was my wand hand, I needed it.

"Remy," Sirius said, sitting on the bed in front of me, "are you okay?"

Was he serious right now? Well, technically he was Sirius… Even that didn't get me to smile.

"I'm not going to leave unless you tell me to," Sirius said.

I didn't feel like saying anything right now, so I just stared at Sirius. I didn't like his short hair, but I did like how he looked in his new black dragon hide jacket.

"It's for you," Sirius said and my eyes snapped to his.

"What?" I asked, my voice still weak.

"The jacket," he said, "it's made out of Hebridean hide."

"Sirius, I have no idea what you're talking about."

He smiled sadly at me. "What happened to you?" he asked. "My smart, intelligent…" he trailed off.

"I… Umm… I've been unconscious for nearly four days," I said, "so I'm sorry if I'm not my usual self."

"Four days?" he questioned. "What the hell happened, Remus? What the hell is going on with you?"

I couldn't tell him, I wanted to, but I couldn't.

"What was different this time?" he asked. "Was it because you didn't have my cloak? I bought this jacket for you. Hebridean hide is virtually indestructible. I hoped it would help you, but I was too late. You told me it wasn't going to happen over break, I believed you. If I had known, I would've done something. I would've came with you, given you another cloak, anything. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't want you to worry."

"That's it?" Sirius asked. "Well, guess what, I worried about you every single day, and now, to know that I did nothing to help you, to see you like this; injured and not yourself… It kills me, Remus. You took it away from me, the chance to do something."

"It wouldn't have made any difference," I told him.

"You don't know that."

"What about you?" I asked. "If I had known about your mother I still wouldn't have been able to do anything."

"But you did," Sirius said, "you taught me that protection charm. If I didn't have that charm…" Sirius shook his head, "let's just say, it would've been more than my hair that I lost."

"Sirius," I said, "it's in the past now, can't we just move on?"

"No."

I dropped my head. "Why?"

"Your hand is fucked up, my hair is fucking gone, we can't forget this, Remus. If only we had a Time-Turner."

Life wasn't that simple.

"And what would you do with it?" I asked, fearing the worst. What if he said that he wished he'd never met me?

"Simple," Sirius said, "I wouldn't have let either of us leave Hogwarts."

Apparently, it was that simple, that would've solved everything. "Too bad we don't have a Time-Turner," I said.

"Yeah, too bad. …Where do you think Madam Pomfrey is?" Sirius asked. "I expected her to have kicked me out by now."

"Not sure," I shrugged, "I bet it's my hand, it's bad, I know it. Maybe she can't fix it."

"Can I look at it?" Sirius asked.

I nodded, stretching my hand towards him. Sirius grabbed it and carefully examined it.

"Can you tell me how you did it?" he asked.

"I was, umm, trying to stop myself," I said, looking at my hand too. "I… I was trying to kill myself by slicing my neck open. I had to stop myself, I didn't want to die."

"I don't understand," Sirius whispered, "please, Remy."

Sirius wouldn't care, he wouldn't, he cared for me too much.

"I… I'm-"

"Enough," Dumbledore boomed, coming into the room with Poppy and Professor McGonagall.

Dumbledore's eyes hardened as I looked at him, he was warning me off, but I didn't care anymore. This was too much, it was getting too hard to keep it a secret.

I turned back to Sirius, my eyes meeting his. "I'm a werewolf," I told him.


	18. How Could You?

**How Could You?**

" _I'm a werewolf," I told him._

My eyes were locked on Sirius' face, watching him process the information.

The corners of Sirius' mouth quirked up into a smile.

" _Obliviate_ ," Dumbledore boomed and Sirius' smile fell.

"What are you doing?" I roared, jumping off the bed and placing myself in front of Sirius, protecting him. "Why would you do that to him? What gives you the right?"

"Calm yourself, Remus," Dumbledore said.

"No," I roared. "How could you?"

"Listen to me," Dumbledore said calmly, "don't forget my role in this. I am the one who fought for you to attend Hogwarts, and I didn't ask for much in return. Everyone was against me, told me having a werewolf here was a bad idea, but you've exceeded all my expectations. You're a great student, you don't cause any trouble, your transformations have been manageable. You're doing so well, Remus, and this is not the time to throw it all away.

"All I asked," Dumbledore continued, "and let me remind you that you agreed to this, is that you'd keep your condition a secret. I thought you were smarter than this, but clearly your emotions overrule your intelligence. It was an oversight on my part, everyone knows the wolf inside you runs on nothing but emotions."

"You didn't have to Obliviate him," I said quietly, calming down. Dumbledore was right, he had stuck his neck out for me, I had agreed to tell no one, I didn't want to be kicked out of school.

"It's the only way," Dumbledore said.

"Couldn't we have seen how he reacted first?" I asked.

"He's a Black," Dumbledore said.

Why did everyone use that as an excuse when it came to Sirius?

"Did you know that his cousin Bellatrix Black has already joined the Dark Lord?" Dumbledore asked. "Did you know that Sirius' parents are funding his causes? The Black family has a reputation and one that doesn't mesh with what is right. Sirius could be different," he said, "but him knowing is a bad idea. Let's say he accepts, let's say he doesn't tell anyone, but what if it slips out? His family isn't going to be as accepting as him, if he even accepts it."

"You should have given him the chance," I said, "he deserves that, you can't just treat him a certain way because of his family."

"Remus, please calm yourself," Dumbledore said.

"I don't want to be calm," I yelled, "I want you to un-obliviate him."

"That's not possible," Dumbledore said, "what's done is done."

This couldn't be it.

"I'll just tell him again," I said, "no matter how many times you make him forget, I'll keep on telling him."

"Do you know what happens to someone who is Obliviated too many times?" Dumbledore asked. "They go mad. If you want to lose your friend, then go ahead."

"I will find a way," I said.

"Remus," Dumbledore sighed, "this is for your own good, can't you see that?"

"You don't know me," I told him.

"Stop testing me or you'll be out of here," Dumbledore said. "I can only handle so much and need I remind you that this is my school, not yours."

That shut me up, but Dumbledore wasn't done.

"All I made him forget was today," Dumbledore said. "He doesn't know you're a werewolf, he doesn't know how injured you are, and he doesn't know that you hurt yourself. Make sure it stays that way."

There had to be a way. Dumbledore caught the look of defiance on my face.

"You know," Dumbledore said, "I've seen inside Sirius' head, you tell him, you elude to anything about your condition and I will have no choice but to wipe you from his memory completely and send you away, never to return."

No. I sat back on the bed, completely defeated. He couldn't do that, could he? Take Sirius from me? Take everything from me?

"Good boy," Dumbledore said, "now I can finish the job."

A tear fell down my face as I watched the memories from today leave Sirius' mind completely. This was so unfair.

When he was done, Dumbledore told Sirius to go to Gryffindor Tower and Sirius left, not even looking at me. What had Dumbledore erased? What thoughts had he put in Sirius' head?

I laid down on the bed, facing away from them, and pulled my injured hand underneath my body.

"Now, let's have a look at your hand," Dumbledore said.

"Leave me alone," I whispered quietly.

"Remus," Poppy said.

"Leave me alone," I snarled, bringing my hand further underneath my body and curling into a ball. I just wanted to be left alone.

They left and I eventually cried myself to sleep, it had been a rough four days.

I woke up and I could tell it was the next day. I uncurled myself and looked around the hospital wing, I was sure Sirius would be here, but he wasn't. I hoped Dumbledore hadn't done anything except wipe his memory, I couldn't stand it if he'd told him anything or warned him to stay away from me.

"Remus?" Poppy asked cautiously.

I really didn't want to talk to anyone, but I didn't want to stay in the hospital wing any longer than necessary either, so I turned to face her.

"How are you?" she asked softly.

I didn't answer, what was the point?

"Can I give you a potion to help you sleep while I attempt to fix your hand?" she asked.

I didn't want to be knocked unconscious again. Her words didn't slip by me… attempt to fix my hand, attempt, I knew it was bad.

I nodded my head, I just wanted this over and done with.

She went off and got the potion.

"Things will be better when you wake up." She smiled softly at me, I didn't believe her.

I drank the potion and things went dark.

When I awoke, I could feel my hand again and that was a refreshing feeling. I had no idea how much time had passed, but I had a feeling it had been days. I sat up carefully. My hand was wrapped up and I was alone. Still no Sirius.

"Drink this," Poppy said, coming into the room.

"Has Sirius come to see me?" I asked.

There were so many questions I wanted answers to, but this was the only one I cared about.

"No," Poppy said and my heart sank, "as far as I know, no one knows you're here."

They didn't? What about James and Peter? Had they been Obliviated too?

"Can you tell him I'm here?" I asked.

I expected her to say no, but I had to try.

"I'll see what I can do," she said, "but first, we need to talk about your hand."

I nodded my head and she unwrapped it.

"The damage was extensive," she said, "and because it hadn't been cleaned or healed after it first happened, I had to cut a lot of the forming scar tissue out. Look at it," she told me.

I looked down at my hand. It was back in one piece, but it had more red screaming scars that everyone would undoubtedly see.

"Can you feel this?" she asked, pinching the end of each my fingers.

I nodded my head.

"That's a good sign," she said. "I want you to try and move your fingers, but please don't get upset if they don't move, your hand's been through a lot of trauma, it's still healing."

I looked at my hand, preparing myself. I didn't have high hopes, I was afraid. Poppy sat beside my bed, smiling kindly. I focused on moving all my fingers at once and they moved, slightly, but the pain shot up my arm and I screamed.

Poppy rushed off, coming back with a potion. "Drink this," she told me.

I did and it numbed the pain.

"Why is it so sore?" I asked.

"You've got a lot of nerve damage," she told me, "so it's going to be painful for a long time, but you have movement and that's more than I thought you'd have. How about you get some more sleep and I will work on finding Mr. Black for you?"

I nodded my head.

"Do you want something to help you?" she asked.

I shook my head no. I was sick of being under the influence of knockout potions, I just wanted to sleep when I could and be alert the rest of the time. Poppy smiled and left me. I was glad she was going to find Sirius, I missed him and I was worried about him.

I knew Poppy would wake me up when she got back, so I did as she suggested and got some sleep.

When I awoke, I expected to see Sirius, but he was nowhere.

Poppy was tending to another patient nearby.

"Did you…" I trailed off, not wanting to ask.

Poppy came over to me, her face sad. Oh no.

"I told him," she said.

"And?" I asked desperately.

"I'm sorry, Remus, but he said he didn't want to see you."

That couldn't be possible.

"What did Dumbledore do to him?" I asked, feeling myself getting worked up.

"Remus," Poppy sat down, "Dumbledore was right about the Blacks, they do things a different way. Now, I don't know this for certain, but I don't think that's the first time Mr. Black's mind has been Obliviated."

Not the first time? His mother? But what did that mean? Why wouldn't he come and see me?

"I don't understand," I told her.

"It's the fear," Poppy said. "I think deep down he knows that his mind was Obliviated. There are signs you can pick up on if you've been exposed to the spell enough times. He won't remember who did it or why, but there's a chance he suspects that it has something to do with you, especially if he has memory of getting away from his family and boarding the train."

"So, he fears me?" I asked.

"No, not you, dear," she said, "he fears being Obliviated again."

No.

"Do you think he'll come around?" I asked.

He had to, I couldn't lose him.

"I don't know." Poppy stood up. "I think that's up to you and the bond you share with Mr. Black. Drink this potion," she handed it to me, "and how about I get you some chocolate?"

I nodded my head numbly and she left.

How could I be so reckless? I'd caused all of this. I never should've told Sirius my secret.


	19. Bear Attack

**Bear Attack**

It had been a week and a half since my last transformation, and a week since I'd been in the hospital wing at Hogwarts. There was still no sign of Sirius, but I had begun to accept that.

"One more time," Poppy said and I groaned.

"We've been through this a million times," I said, "I know it back to front."

"Remus, do this and you can go," she said. Fine. "Oh, wow, what happened to your hand?" she asked.

"A bear attacked me," I sighed.

"A bear? What's that?"

"It's a muggle animal," I said, "extremely ferocious."

"Aren't they extinct in Britain?" she asked.

"Yeah, I was in North America with my parents over break."

"How did it happen?"

"I don't remember exactly," I said, "we were staying in the mountains and it just came looking for food. …Are we done yet?" I asked her. "I know this. I'm not going to slip up or stumble, no one will ever know the truth, I've learned that lesson."

Poppy nodded sadly at me.

"Okay," she said, "get out of here, but remember the rules, come and see me every morning for your potion and hand exercises, don't use your hand at all, and be careful you don't knock it on anything." I knew all of this. "Here," she handed me a bar of chocolate.

I sild it into my pocket, planning on saving it until I needed it.

Leaving the hospital wing for the first time since being back was a relief. I had a little movement in my hand, it still hurt, but I was making progress, so I knew with time it would only get better. I pulled my shirt up, trying to cover the scars on my neck, then I shoved my injured hand into the pocket of my robes. I didn't want anyone to see.

I kept my guard up as I passed by everyone, it was the weekend so no one was in class, but no one paid me any attention. I slipped into Gryffindor Tower and went straight to my room, making no eye contact with anyone. The dorm was empty when I entered and I breathed a sigh of relief, pulling my hand from my pocket.

My bed had been left completely untouched and my satchel was sitting on my nightstand. I grabbed it and pulled out the book I'd stashed Sirius' note in before my change.

It felt like so long ago and there was still so much I couldn't remember from that time. The only clear memory I had was being chained up and trying to kill myself, but I forced myself to stop. Everything else was just gone.

I flipped the book open, finding his note. _Be safe_. It made me smile.

Poppy was right, whatever happened, whatever Sirius had been through, I was confident we'd get it back because he was worth fighting for. I slid the note back in and put it with the other books on my bookshelf.

"Remus, you're back," James said.

I sat on my bed, facing him. "Y-yeah."

"What happened, mate?" he asked. "Sirius didn't seem to know." My heart sunk. "You were on the train with us, right?"

Poppy hadn't prepared me for this conversation, no one had. I decided to stick to the truth.

"Yeah," I said, "Sirius took me to the hospital wing for my hand." I held it up so James could see, I hoped it would divert his attention.

"Shit, Remus, what happened to you?" James came closer so he could take a look.

"B-bear attack," I told him.

"What kind of bear?" James asked, not daring to touch my hand.

What kind of bear? I had no idea.

"I-I don't know, it was… black, I think, I don't remember exactly."

"Black?" he questioned. "You must've done something bad to upset it then, most black bears tend to run away, was it maybe brown and fluffy?"

"Umm, yeah, could've been, it snuck up on me."

"I bet it was a grizzly bear," he said.

"H-how do you know so much about bears?" I asked.

"Are you serious?" he said. "Bears are so cool. They look super cuddly, but they can kill you. Just look at your hand."

Poppy had chosen to use a muggle animal as she thought my pure-blood dormmates wouldn't know anything about them, clearly she hadn't met James Potter.

"W-where are the others?" I asked. I didn't care about Peter, but I wasn't going to mention Sirius' name.

"Peter's in detention," James laughed, "and Sirius, well, I'm not sure exactly. He's been acting odd lately. I would say that cutting his hair had taken something from him, but then again, he's doing better than he was before break. Whatever he was worried about, it's gone now. He's back to his old self, planning pranks with me, being an cocky asshole… It's good, I was starting to miss my friend."

"I, umm, I think I'll get some sleep," I said.

"Of course," James smiled, "whatever you need. Your hand looks painful, did it get your neck too?"

I dropped my head. He could see the scars which meant that everyone would see them. I nodded.

"I'm so sorry, Remus," he said.

"Do you think… Do you think I could borrow your invisibility cloak?" I asked and James eyed me suspiciously. "Just to sleep," I clarified, "I won't leave the room with it, I just don't want anyone to see me like this, I just want to get some sleep."

"Of course," he said, going over to his trunk.

"I'm going to have a shower," I told him.

"Sure, I'll leave it on your bed, invisible side up. …And, Remus, I'm glad you're back."

"Me too," I said softly. "but please don't tell anyone I'm back."

James nodded his head and I breathed a sigh of relief.

In the bathroom, I used my non-wand hand to put up a locking charm. My hand was still shaky, but I didn't want to be disturbed.

I disrobed and looked at myself in the full-length mirror. My right hand was mainly red scars, but I knew that would fade with time. The ones on my neck too. I turned and looked at my back, those scars weren't as red anymore, but it didn't matter. Yes, red scars were more noticeable, but when they changed to white, well, I knew I'd be stuck with them forever.

So many scars. No one would ever love me. Sirius hadn't cared, but what now? James had said Sirius wasn't himself, but that he was doing better. What did that mean? I knew worrying would get me nowhere, so I jumped in the shower and washed myself the best I could with one hand. Doing my hair was the hardest part, but I managed.

I dried myself and pulled my pajamas on. I couldn't button my shirt, so I regretfully left it undone. I got rid of my locking spell and looked out into the hall, the coast was clear, so I gathered up my things and ran back to our dorm. No one had seen me, but that didn't stop me. I jumped on my bed, shrugged my pajama top off and pulled James' cloak over me. I was so thankful to know that even if someone came in, they wouldn't know I was here.

It was so good being back in my bed. I rolled over, pressing my face into my pillow and that's when the familiar scent hit me, Sirius. Had he used my pillow? Was it his? I sniffed, that was definitely Sirius' scent. I sat up, pulling my covers back and more of his scent wafted over me. I leaned down, smelling the sheets, he'd been in my bed, no doubt about that. I slid under the covers, wanting to be closer to him.

I wondered what this meant, but I had no time to think about it because under the security of James' invisibility cloak and surrounded by Sirius' intoxicating scent, I fell asleep.

"No, but you should've seen his face." Sirius' voice woke me up.

"I did," James said, "it was one of your best."

"You really think that?" Sirius asked. "I mean, it felt special when I was doing it, but I didn't know how Flitwick would respond."

"I can't wait to tell Remus," James said.

"Remus?" Sirius questioned and the sound of his voice was off.

"Yeah," James said, "when he gets back. I think he's going to love it."

"Are you sure?" Peter asked.

"Of course," James said, "Remus appreciates our genius-ness, even if we use it for evil."

Their conversation petered out as they all got ready for bed. I was glad James hadn't told anyone I was here, I wasn't sure I was ready to talk to Sirius yet. James was right, he sounded like his old self, the boy I'd met on the train. Did he not miss me at all? Had Dumbledore made him forget me?

The room fell completely silent and I tried to get some more sleep. Tomorrow, I'd talk to Sirius tomorrow.

Sleep eluded me and I listened to my three dormmates' even breathing. Sirius was so close to me, I turned towards his bed. It was too dark to see anything, but just knowing he was there was comforting.

Another half an hour passed and I could feel myself finally drifting asleep when my bed shifted. My eyes shot open and I saw Sirius pulling back the covers. He got in bed with me and sighed. We were far enough apart that he hadn't noticed me yet. How often had he been sleeping in my bed? Every night? This was a good sign. I grabbed James' cloak and threw it over both of us.

Sirius looked around confused before his eyes met mine. They widened in surprise, but also maybe fear? I grabbed my wand and cast a silencing charm. This was it, I needed to know where Sirius stood.

"Sirius," I said tentatively.

He didn't say anything, but his eyes raked over me in the low light. He paused in two places, the scars on my neck and my injured hand. One moment later, I was in his arms, our chests pressed together. Sirius' hand found its way into my hair as he held me to him impossibly tight. I wrapped my arms around him, hugging him just as ferociously. This was right. I never should've doubted Sirius when it came to me.

"Remy, I'm so sorry," he said, "I had to play the part even though it killed me."

What was he talking about?

I pulled back and his eyes were still wide.

"I know," he said.

"Kn-know what?" I asked, fearing the worst.

"That you're a werewolf."

What? But how? None of this made sense. Sirius crushed our chests back together, holding onto me desperately. What the hell was going on?


	20. Whispered Conversations

**Whispered Conversations**

" _I know," he said._

" _Kn-know what?" I asked, fearing the worst._

" _That you're a werewolf."_

 _What? But how? None of this made any sense. Sirius crushed our chests back together, holding onto me desperately. What the hell was going on?_

"Sirius?" I questioned, pulling back, fear running through me. "How?"

His face turned dark. "Can I use your wand?" he asked.

"S-sure." I handed it to him.

" _Lumos_ ," he said, lighting up the space between us underneath James' invisibility cloak. He set the wand down and started pulling off his shirt. What was going on?

"Ah, Sirius," I said, well aware that my shirt was off too.

"Give me a second," he said, getting the shirt caught on his head.

I smiled as he struggled to get free.

"How long have you been dressing yourself for?" I asked, reaching forward with my good hand and helping him pull his shirt off.

"I don't know," Sirius said, now free, "how long have we been at school?"

I smiled wider, I'd missed my friend.

"Grab the wand," he told me.

I picked up my wand and held it with my good hand. Sirius rolled towards me and lifted his arm. What was he doing?

"Can you see it?" he asked. "It should be right there, on my ribs."

I shifted closer to him, shining the light on his ribs. There was a tattoo marking his skin. It was an hourglass with black wings, a line running behind it diagonally, and everything was surrounded by a circle.

"You have a tattoo?" I asked, looking at the black ink contrasting against his pale skin.

"Yeah, my Uncle Alphard gave it to me," he said.

His uncle? Maybe everyone was right about Sirius' family.

"He's not like everyone else," Sirius quickly said, "and he thinks I'm different too. I didn't want to be different, I wanted to be just like everyone else. I guess Alphard saw himself in me or something, he knew what was going on, he knew that my mind was being Obliviated. He came over one day when I was home alone and he gave me this magic tattoo. I'm not sure exactly how it works, but it protects my mind. Then he spent hours teaching me how to react when I heard the spell being used."

I was not expecting that at all. I couldn't stop looking at the tattoo.

"Thank you for looking out for me," Sirius said, "I heard what you said, how you stood up to Dumbledore. No one's ever done that before, I never thought I was worth it. It was so hard to stay still and play the part. I wanted to back you up, yell at him with you, but you did well on your own." Sirius smiled at me.

"I... I just did what was right," I mumbled.

"This past week has been hell," Sirius said, "I wanted to come and see you so badly, but I couldn't. I had to play the part, I had to make them believe that I'd forgotten. Every night, I snuck into your bed when James and Peter had fallen asleep, but it wasn't enough. I considered taking James' invisibility cloak to come and see you, but I couldn't risk it. I heard what Dumbledore said and I didn't want him to kick you out, or to find out I can't be Obliviated. If he did, he'd wipe your memory and I don't want you to forget either."

"I understand," I said, setting my wand down and trailing my hand down Sirius' face. "I missed you, but I understand. I was unconscious for most of the time, so it doesn't matter."

"How's your hand?" Sirius asked, grabbing my elbow and gently pulling my hand towards the light. "It looks a lot better than it did," he said and I smiled.

He was right. Everyone would be so focused on how bad it currently looked, just like James had been, but Sirius was right, it looked way better than it had.

"Does it hurt?" he asked, sliding his fingers in between mine. I nodded my head. "Can you move it?"

"Y-yeah," I said, "but it hurts when I do."

Sirius closed his fingers against the back of my hand, his palm resting against mine. "Can you try?" he asked.

I didn't want to, I was too afraid, but I did it for him. I moved my fingers carefully and the stretch was so painful. I screwed my eyes shut.

"Sirius," I gritted out.

"Keep going," he whispered.

I didn't want to, but I did. The pain was getting to be too much.

"Keep going," Sirius said.

I pushed forward until my fingers touched his skin. Our hands were now clasped together with our fingers interlocked. Once my hand stopped moving, the pain started to fade away. I opened my eyes and looked at Sirius.

"You're so brave." Sirius' eyes were locked on mine.

He looked down at my scarred chest and his face fell. I carefully pulled my hand away from his. Sirius knew I was a werewolf, I moved away from him.

"Where are you going?" he asked, inching closer to me, so his bare chest was against my side. He put his arm around my waist to stop me from leaving.

"I'm a werewolf," I said, my voice low, "you hate me, don't you?"

"No," Sirius said firmly.

I met his eyes.

"It's hard to accept, I'll admit that," Sirius said. "My mind keeps telling me to fear you, to stay away, that you're bad, but I know that's not true. You're not like the werewolves I've heard about, you're different from that Greyback guy."

"That's impossible," I said, "not when Greyback was the one who turned me."

"Greyback? But that would mean…" Sirius trailed off. "You're that boy, the one from James' story."

I nodded my head, unable to confirm his suspicions out loud.

"Fuck," Sirius said, letting go of me and rolling onto his back.

I turned from him and curled up into a ball, I knew he wouldn't be fine with this.

"I'm going to kill him," Sirius said in a low growl. What? "How could he do that to a little kid? To you? You were just a boy and he took so much from you, he doomed you. …I'm going to kill him."

I uncurled myself and faced Sirius again.

"Y-you can't kill him," I said.

"Why the hell not?" Sirius asked, anger coursing through him. "He needs to pay and he's going to."

"P-please don't do anything stupid," I whispered, "I can't lose you, Sirius."

Sirius didn't say anything, he was still too angry, and because he wouldn't listen to me, I did the next best thing. I shuffled closer to him and rested my head on his chest, wrapping my arm around him.

Sirius was moving underneath me due to his anger, but he slowly calmed down and wrapped his arms around me. He pulled me up, burying his nose in my hair, breathing me in.

"I will kill him," Sirius said, "one day."

I decided not to say any more on the matter hoping that Sirius would drop his foolish idea. No one could kill Greyback, he was too powerful, too strong.

We stayed in silence for a while, me resting on Sirius' chest, bare skin on skin, our arms wrapped around each other. I thought Sirius had fallen asleep when he spoke.

"At least I know the Hebridean hide will work," he said.

"What?" I asked confused.

"My new jacket, it's made out of Hebridean Black dragon hide, a werewolf won't be able to destroy it."

Well, that was something. I remembered Sirius telling me he'd gotten the jacket for me, it made me smile.

"I don't want to bombard you," Sirius said, "but can I ask you one question?"

I nodded my head against his chest.

"Did my cloak really help you?" he asked.

"Yes."

"How?"

"I think the wolf inside me likes you," I said softly. I waited for Sirius' response.

"Oh," is all he said.

Oh? Sometimes I didn't understand Sirius at all, but that was okay. I wrapped my arms tighter around him and we fell asleep in each other's arms.


	21. Play the Part

**Play the Part**

 _Buzz. Buzz. Buzz._

What was that noise? I groaned, trying to get away from it.

"Sorry," Sirius said and a moment later the buzzing was gone.

I groaned again, opening my eyes. It was still dark and I looked at Sirius confused.

"I have to get back to my own bed," he said.

I nodded my head, moving away from him, ready to go back to sleep. Sirius chuckled and then I was left alone.

I woke again later to the sound of James, Sirius and Peter talking. I still had James' cloak over me, so Peter didn't know I was here.

"Are you coming?" James asked.

"Yeah," Sirius said, "just gotta find my wand."

"You lost your wand?" Peter asked and I could just imagine Sirius glaring at him.

"I'll meet you in the great hall," Sirius said.

A few minutes passed before Sirius pulled the cloak off my head.

"Are you staying here all day?" he asked. "Do you want me to bring you some food?"

"No," I said, "I miss my classes."

"Of course you do," Sirius smiled, "so, are you going to get up?"

"Umm, yeah, I just…" I trailed off. "I can't get dressed, well, I can, but I have trouble with the buttons, and everything I own has buttons."

"All you have to do is ask," Sirius said, but I didn't feel comfortable doing that. I was used to doing everything on my own.

Sirius went over to my clothes regardless.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Helping you." Sirius shrugged. "What do you want to wear today?"

"Ah," I said, "clothes."

"Funny." Sirius smiled. "Fine, I'll pick. Get out of bed already."

I pulled James' cloak off and sat up, rubbing my face as Sirius spent entirely too long looking at my clothes.

"You should go to Madam Pomfrey," I said. "You know, for your hair."

"I thought you were going to fix it." Sirius' head was still in my cupboard.

"I was," I said, "it's just, I don't know how long my hand is going to be out of action and I don't feel comfortable using my wand. You don't have to tell her what happened, but she's nice and she'll help you."

"It's just hair," Sirius sighed, pulling my clothes out and sitting them on my bed, "I can wait for you."

Oh, my face fell.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I just… I just miss your long hair is all," I said, looking down, "the short hair's nice too, but it's not right."

Silence.

"I'll consider it," Sirius said. "Now, get out of bed."

I stood up on shaky legs and just waited. How were we going to do this? I'd been re-dressed so many times after my transformation, but this was new territory between us as friends.

Sirius grabbed my shirt first and helped me into in, buttoning it up.

"Pants," he said.

I tinted pink as I pulled my pajama pants down and Sirius got his first look at my scarred legs.

"I didn't think they'd be everywhere," Sirius said softly, pulling my pants up to cover the scars. "Do you know why you do it?"

"Umm, yeah," I said, "he doesn't like to be locked up, so he punishes me for it. He'd rather be out hunting, but I can't allow that."

Sirius nodded. "You said he wanted to kill you."

"Yeah, he, umm, didn't like being back at home. They, umm… He just didn't like it, so he decided to kill me, but he stopped himself, somehow, I don't really remember."

"Is it always like this?" Sirius asked, grabbing my tie and tying it expertly.

"I, umm… Every time is different," I said, "it depends how he's feeling. Usually I remember everything afterwards, so I can try and do things differently, but lately he's been hiding things from me. I don't remember why I hurt my shoulder and I don't know why he stopped himself from killing me."

"Do you think it was you?" Sirius asked.

I shook my head. "No, the wolf takes over completely, I lose myself, it was all him."

"Here." Sirius handed me the sweater vest and I pulled it on.

"Is that it?" I asked, sliding my shoes on.

"Yeah." Sirius grunted, bending down to tie my shoes. "You know, most people look like a prat wearing sweater vests, but not you."

I smiled at his compliment.

Sirius stood up and went over to his bed. "Wear my cloak," he threw it to me, "it'll hide your hand better."

I smiled wider, how did he know what I was worried about? I pulled it on and once I was dressed, Sirius grabbed my shirt collar and hitched it up higher, trying to hide the scar on my neck.

"What about my hair?" I asked. "Does it look terrible?"

"No, just…" Sirius ran his hands through my hair, "there you go."

He went back over to his bed.

"Sirius?" I said nervously.

"Hmm?" He grabbed his dragon hide jacket, slipping it on.

"Thank you," I told him.

"It's what friends do," he said, "well, at least I think it is. I honestly have no idea. …Remy?"

"Yeah?"

"We… Do you think what we're doing is wrong? Our friendship, I mean. I don't want to help James like this, dress him, or spend the night in his bed. I'm not sure why I do with you. Do you know why?"

"No," I said, remembering having these exact thoughts earlier on, "I think we've just got a different kind of friendship. Muggles have this thing called best friends, I think that's what we have."

"Hmm."

"We shouldn't worry about it," I said, "we're happy, right? And we're not hurting anybody."

"You're right," Sirius said, "let's go to breakfast. …Hang on, I forgot. You need to play the part," he told me. "Dumbledore, McGonagall, Pomfrey, they all know that my memory's been wiped. I started a new path to protect us, I didn't talk about you, I didn't visit you in the hospital wing, I've been putting distance between us. So, you have to play the part too. It's the only way. Just don't take anything that happens to heart," he said, "we know what we have, we just can't let them know. The risk is too great."

He was right. "Okay," I said, "I'll play the part." It seemed easy enough.

Breakfast was hard. I was hungry, but everything needed to be cut up and I couldn't do that with one hand, so I just sat there. Everyone was looking at me, Peter included, but I ignored them. I was glad no one could see my hand as Sirius' cloak hid it completely.

Sirius dug right in and I watched him with slight jealousy as he cut up his pancakes, sausages and eggs with no hassles. It looked so mouthwatering.

"Remus, it's good to have you back," James said and I looked away from Sirius' food.

"It's good to be back," I said, softly.

"Where were you?" Lily asked and I tensed up.

James looked at me with a big smile on his face and I knew that he wanted to be the one to tell Lily, so I nodded my head.

"Remus was in North America," he said and Lily was hanging on his every word, "he was attacked by a bear, a grizzly bear…"

A plate was slid in front of me and I looked down at it. It was Sirius' plate with all my favorite foods cut up. I glanced at him to say thanks, but he was busy loading up a new plate for himself. He was so thoughtful.

I grabbed a fork and dug in. It was so good and I loved that Sirius was kind enough to help me without being asked. He just seemed to get me and I'd never had that before.

As I ate, I looked towards Dumbledore several times, he was watching me intently, me and Sirius I bet. Maybe that was why Sirius was being so silent. I wondered if Dumbledore had seen him cut up my food. We were far enough away, so I doubted it, but what did I know? I needed to play the part.

Breakfast ended and I headed for the hospital wing before my first class. Poppy was waiting for me.

I drank the potion before she ran me through some hand exercises. It still hurt to move, but I was getting better at handling the pain.

"I want you to take this ball with you," she said, handing it to me. It was made out of foam, I think. "I want you to hold it in your hand throughout the day and squeeze it. Do it as many times as you can, there's no risk of overdoing it. The more you do it, the quicker your hand will heal, but be wise about it, Remus, if it hurts too much physically or mentally, give it a break. ...Squeeze it now."

I held the ball in my hand and squeezed it gently. I couldn't squeeze it much and it hurt to do so, but I tried again. I trusted Poppy.

"Pace yourself," she told me with a smile. "Okay, you're healing nicely," she said, "enjoy your classes, Remus, but don't use your hand for anything other than squeezing that ball."

I nodded and left. The ball was still in my hand and I was squeezing it intermittently.

Sirius approached me when I left and I looked around anxiously. We shouldn't be seen together.

"You need to see Dumbledore," Sirius said quietly as we walked to class. "I saw him looking at us. The only way for us to go undetected is for you to convince him that you're not going to tell anyone, for you to tell him that you've realized your mistake. Trust me. You were so passionate the other day, you told him that you would never give up trying to tell me, you need to let him know that it's all changed. Convince him. Play the part."

"O-okay," I said, "I'll ask McGonagall to set something up."


	22. Albus Dumbledore

**Albus Dumbledore**

"Prof-Professor McGonagall?" I asked, staying back after Transfiguration.

"Yes, Mr. Lupin?"

"C-can I talk to Prof-Professor Dumbledore please."

"Is it anything I can help you with?" she asked, looking at me over the top of her glasses.

"Ah, no, I just wanted to apologize to him, that's all."

"Very well," she said, "I have a free moment now if that suits."

"Umm, yeah, sure." I shouldered my satchel. Sirius had tried to take it for me, but I didn't want him doing anything more than what I needed and nothing that I wouldn't get James to do. I was playing the part even though it was hard.

McGonagall led me out of her classroom.

"How's your hand?" she asked.

It was all anyone asked. James' animated version of how I hurt it had spread around the school and everyone was trying to get a look at it, thankfully Sirius' cloak hid it for the most part. James' story was so detailed that I didn't have to tell anyone anything, I just agreed with whatever they said happened.

"It's okay," I told her.

We stopped out the front of a gargoyle on the third floor.

"Sherbet Lemon," McGonagall said and the gargoyle stepped aside to reveal a staircase. I followed McGonagall up.

She knocked on the door and Dumbledore called out, "enter."

His office was impressive. A large circular room filled with so many random objects. My eyes went straight to his, he was sitting behind a huge desk.

"Mr. Lupin to see you, Sir," McGonagall said.

"Thank you, Professor McGonagall," Dumbledore stood up, "please have a seat, Mr. Lupin."

I nodded and sat down where he'd pointed to. McGonagall left and Dumbledore approached me.

"Do you want some tea, Remus?" he asked.

"S-sure," I said, staring at my hands. I had no idea how this talk would go, but Sirius was right, it needed to be said.

"Help yourself to some licorice," Dumbledore pointed to the bowl of sweets in front of me, "Poppy tells me that chocolate is your favorite, so may I suggest one of the chocolate covered pieces."

I didn't feel like eating, but it felt rude to deny him. I found one of the chocolate covered pieces and put it in my mouth. I was glad I did because the chocolate, although only a coating, was pepping me up.

Dumbledore sat my cup of tea in front of me and took a seat opposite.

"Remus," he said, "what can I do for you?"

"I-I just wanted to apologize," I said, not meeting his eyes, "for how I acted the other week, it was unacceptable. The wolf's emotions were still running high, I was injured and I was scared, but I know that's no excuse. I also wanted to thank you."

"Thank me?" he asked.

"Y-yeah, for making Sirius forget. You were right, that was reckless of me. I like going here and I don't want to jeopardize that. And you're right, I don't know how Sirius will react or act, the risk isn't worth it. I just want to learn."

"I'm proud of you," Dumbledore said, "but I'm a little skeptical. This is a complete turnaround from last week when you yelled at me."

"I-I know, I'm sorry. I just… I'm young," I said, "and I think I know what's best, but I really don't. I'm sure you can understand that."

"I can," Dumbledore laughed lightly. "I would like to apologize too," he said, "I think we both said things that we regret, but then again, I stand by my words. Allowing you to attend Hogwarts was a great risk. I believe education should be available to all, but not everyone shares this idea. If they were to find out you were a werewolf, we'd both be gone."

Oh, I hadn't thought of that. "I'm sorry," I said, "I won't be so reckless again."

"I'm sure you will be," Dumbledore said, smiling. "Can I tell you a story?"

"Y-yes." I picked up my tea for a distraction.

"You remind me a lot of myself at your age," Dumbledore said. "I was at the top of my classes and I didn't discriminate against others, like you with Mr. Black. You and I don't see things at face value, Remus, we give people the benefit of the doubt which can sometimes backfire on us. When school was over, I felt trapped, much like I believe you feel now. It's hard having things in your life that you have no control over. You're constantly looking for a way out, or even just a better way to live.

"It was then that I met him," Dumbledore smiled fondly, "he was just as smart as me and I saw him as, not my way out, but just a way to keep moving forward. We became fast friends, he made the darkness in my life become light. It was a short and bittersweet friendship, only two months, and it had me acting so irrationally. It was hard to recognize it at the time, he blinded me, but it all hit me when we reached the point of no return. You can't bring back the dead, Remus, remember that.

"When I Obliviated Mr. Black, I saw into his mind, I saw you two together and it reminded me so much of what my friend and I once had. I'm not saying that you're going down the same path as me, I'm just trying to warn you. You need to make sure you know your friends fully before you hit that point of no return. Mr. Black could be one thing to you now, but that can change in a matter of months, years, decades, who knows.

"I told you this story in confidence," he said, "I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I did. I trusted him, I was ready to throw everything away for this boy that merely intrigued me, but he was using me. Even now, it's hard. I cared for him deeply, but I can never forgive myself for what my friendship with him caused."

Dumbledore paused and I just sat there, not sure what to think about all this.

"I'm not forbidding you from being Mr. Black's friend," Dumbledore said, "friends are needed in life, they make things easier, I'm just warning you to watch how much you share with him. Mr. Black cares for you, as I suspect you care for him, so be careful. You're a werewolf, Remus, your life will forever be affected by that. We both know how society treats your kind and that will transfer onto those you keep close."

It was clear, Dumbledore thought we'd bring each other down. Sirius would bring me down because he was a Black and I'd bring Sirius down because I was a werewolf.

I had to admit what Dumbledore was saying made sense, and hearing that he'd been through something similar with devastating consequences was enlightening, but I couldn't shake the truth; that what Sirius and I had was different.

"I-I will be careful, Sir," I said, having no idea what to say. At least he said I could still be friends with Sirius, that would make playing the part so much easier.

"Good boy," he smiled, "now, I'd really like to talk about your hand if that's okay."

I nodded my head.

"How did it happen?" he asked.

I clammed up, what was I supposed to tell him? How much? He seemed to have my best interests at heart, so I decided to stick with the truth.

"They chained me up at home," I said, looking at my injured hand, "the wolf didn't like that."

"Do they always chain you up?" he asked.

"Y-yeah," I said, "but this time was different because I knew a different way. The wolf likes the shack here, he likes that he can see the moon and that he has space to move. I begged my parents not to use the chains, but they didn't want me to hurt myself."

"So, you pulled free from that chains?" he asked.

I nodded my head. "The wolf was so angry, he wanted to be free. Then he was mad and he wanted to kill me… He stopped himself, I don't know why."

"You're telling me that the wolf was mid-kill and he managed to stop himself?" Dumbledore asked. I nodded. "That is simply remarkable, Remus, and you have no idea why?"

I shook my head no. I had my suspicions, I thought it had to do with Sirius, but I had no idea if that was true or just wishful thinking, either way, I wasn't going to tell Dumbledore anything about Sirius, not anymore.

"What happened afterwards?" he asked.

"I'm not sure," I said, "the first thing I can clearly remember is waking up on the train."

Dumbledore looked thoughtful. "That explains why you wanted to tell Mr. Black your secret," he said, humming to himself, "you hadn't had time to process anything."

I was glad to hear this from him.

"I received a letter from your parents stating that you are to spend all future breaks here," Dumbledore said, "did you know about that?"

"N-no, Sir."

My parents didn't want me? Why?

"What about summer break?" I asked.

"I expect you're going home," Dumbledore said.

My face fell, I didn't want to be locked up again, the wolf wouldn't like that. What if he tried to kill me again? What if I couldn't stop myself this time?

"Don't worry yourself," Dumbledore said, "you've still got five months until summer and I intend to speak to your parents. We will come up with a solution that's best for you."

I nodded my head, best for me, I liked the sound of that.

"All I want," Dumbledore said, "is for you to enjoy the rest of your school year. Can you do that for me, Remus?"

"Y-yeah," I said, standing up.

"Good boy." Dumbledore smiled, showing me the way out.

I walked numbly back to Gryffindor Tower. Dumbledore had said so many things and I was still trying to process it all, but I kept coming back to the same thing… There was no reason Sirius and I couldn't be friends. It had been so hard not talking to him in the hallways or classes and I was glad that was no more.

"How'd it go?" Sirius asked the moment he saw me enter the Gryffindor common room.

I smiled widely. "Good," I said, wrapping my arm around his shoulders, "friend," I added.

Sirius looked at me confused, but it didn't matter because I intended to explain everything to him the first chance I got and I knew he'd be just as happy as I was.


	23. Fifth Full Moon

**Fifth Full Moon**

"Did you see it?" Sirius asked, holding the piece of parchment in front of my face.

"Yes," I smiled, "well done."

"James, did you see?" Sirius asked.

"Mate," James groaned, "you need to stop showing everyone."

Sirius' face fell and I wrapped my arm around his shoulders.

"Don't listen to him," I said, "I'm very proud of you."

"You are?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, I saw how hard you worked, you deserve to feel happy about your perfect result."

"But if you didn't help me," Sirius said, "I wouldn't have gotten it."

"Maybe," I told him, "but I only gave you some tips, you're the one who cast the spell."

I dropped my arm from around Sirius and we made our way back to Gryffindor Tower.

We entered the tower and headed straight up to our dorm, but before we could get there, I pulled Sirius towards the tower's second floor window so we wouldn't be overheard.

"It's tonight," I whispered to him.

"I kind of figured," Sirius said, "with it being the night of a full moon and all."

Right. Sometimes I forgot what Sirius knowing I was a werewolf actually meant.

"I wish I could go with you," Sirius said, "and make sure you be safe."

"It's not possible," I said, looking out the window.

"There has to be a way." Sirius stood by my side so we were both looking out the window.

"It's impossible." I sighed. "I lose myself completely when I become the wolf, I wouldn't be able to control what happens. …You've seen what he does to me, so you can only imagine what he'd do to someone else if they were there."

"I don't like this," Sirius said, "there must be something."

I decided not to answer. I didn't think anything would work, but I wasn't going to crush his hopes any further than I already had.

We left the window by the stairwell and made our way to our dorm. I watched as Sirius pulled his dragon hide jacket off and sat in on my bed. James and Peter didn't notice, but I did.

I picked Sirius' abandoned piece of parchment off his bed and put it on the wall in between our beds using a sticking charm.

"What'd you do that for?" Peter asked.

I turned and glared at him. Peter squeaked and left the room.

"He has a point," Sirius said, trying to take the parchment down, but my sticking charm was too good.

"Ignore them," I said, "this is your first perfect score. I saw how happy you were, it's okay to be proud of yourself, Sirius. And look at this," I motioned to the empty wall, "there's plenty of room for you to add more."

"I'm not going to add more," he said. "I'm not like you, Remy, I'm not smart."

I had a feeling this was his mother's doing.

"Not smart?" I questioned. "Peter's never gotten a perfect score, nor has James. Do you think I'm smart?" I asked him.

"Of course," Sirius said, "you're the smartest person I know."

"Exactly," I told him, "and if I, a smart man, declare you to be smart, then you must be."

I could tell Sirius still didn't believe me, but it wouldn't stop me from telling him.

The afternoon passed and as it got closer to evening, I got ready to go. Sirius kept looking at me. I could tell he was scared for me, but there was nothing I could do about it. I couldn't take him with me, no matter how much I wanted to.

When we were alone in the room, I pulled Sirius' dragon hide jacket on and put my cloak over the top to stop anyone seeing it.

My time ran out and neither of us said anything. We both understood what it meant this time, the full extent. Sirius knew that I would change into a werewolf while he was asleep here and I knew if our roles were reversed I'd be unable to sleep, sick with worry.

I gave Sirius a small smile, which he didn't return, and left the dorm.

Once in the shack, I sighed and disrobed. I sat against the stairs, all alone, looking out the window waiting for the moon to rise. I had a feeling Sirius was doing the same thing from our dorm room and it made me feel closer to him.

I looked at my injured hand. It was still sore, but healing. I hoped that I wouldn't injure it any further tonight, but I knew I had no control over that. I'd just have to hope that the wolf was being kind tonight.

The moon rose and my first bone broke. This was it.

* * *

 **Wolf's POV**

I stretched my limbs and I was glad I wasn't tied up today. Maybe sparing the boy's life wasn't a regret.

I walked over to the window, howling at the moon. I hardly ever howled, it was pointless, but being unchained gave me a reason to celebrate.

I looked at my hand next, trying to move it. It hurt and I whimpered, deciding not to try and move it again.

I scented the air hoping that being back here would hold the scent I desired.

I found it in the corner. It was still black, but not as soft. I grabbed the jacket with my good hand and scampered over to my place by the stairs.

I examined the jacket carefully, it was new, but it smelled the same. I sniffed it, the scent was so sweet.

I clawed at it, I bit it, I tore at it. I did everything, trying to get closer to the scent, but it was impossible.

I rolled around on the floor, trying to get it to surround me. The jacket ended up on my back and I stopped moving, burying my head underneath it.

I liked this smell, I had missed it.

I brought my paw towards my face and started licking it, hoping I could help heal it. I didn't want the boy to suffer, not when he'd ensured that I was back here, unchained, with this scent.

I licked my paw gently until the scent overtook me fully and I fell asleep.

* * *

I woke up and just laid there until my senses came back to me. When they did, I frowned. I felt stiff and sore, but there was no pain at all. I stood up and it was relatively easy. I checked myself over. I was completely uninjured and that had never happened before.

Sirius' jacket. I found it on the floor and held my breath as I picked it up. Sirius was right, it was indestructible by the wolf. I couldn't believe it. I was unscathed and so was Sirius' jacket. What was going on with the wolf and Sirius? I knew he liked Sirius' scent, but why?

I remembered the wolf being calm and content last night. The wolf didn't even want me to be injured. He had never cared about me before. I decided not to question it too much, I was just happy that the wolf hadn't hurt me.

I got dressed and left the shack. Walking the long length of the tunnel was easy toady and when I saw Poppy sitting up ahead, I smiled at her.

"Hi, Poppy," I said.

"Remus," she stood up, clearly shocked, "you look good. How's your hand?"

I held it out for her to see. It looked no worse, I even thought it felt better, but that made no sense.

"Any other injuries?" she asked.

I shook my head no, smiling so widely. I'd had a good transformation, well, as good as it could ever get I expect.

"Here," Poppy handed me my chocolate, "I don't think you need to come to the hospital wing, it's straight up to bed for you."

I nodded my head and started eating my chocolate as we walked back towards the castle. It was still early, the sun was only just rising.

Poppy walked me to Gryffindor Tower just to be sure that I went straight to bed. I told her I would do nothing but sleep today, and when she left, I quietly made my way up to my dorm.

Everyone was still asleep, so I quickly disrobed, putting Sirius' jacket on the end of his bed, and got underneath my covers. Sleep found me immediately.

I was stirred awake when the other boys started to get up. They were being rowdy and noisy which was nothing new. I turned away from them and buried my head underneath my pillow.

"Is that Remus?" James asked. "I thought he said he wasn't going to be back from St Mungo's until later."

"Do you think they amputated his hand?" Peter asked and I couldn't help but groan.

"Shut the fuck up," Sirius hissed, "he's trying to sleep."

Thank you.

The room quietened down and I started drifting. When they left, I breathed a sigh of relief. I didn't want to be disturbed, I was too tired for that.

I felt my bed dip and I smiled, knowing that it had to be Sirius. He lifted up my pillow and I peeked at him.

"You're back early," he whispered. I could tell he wanted to return my smile, but he was guarded.

"I am," I said, "thank you for your jacket, I didn't destroy it."

"I know," Sirius said, and I saw that he was wearing it. I'm sure it looked better on him than me. "Are you okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I told him, "just a little tired and stiff."

"Of course," Sirius stood up, "I'll leave you to it."

"You know," I said, "I wouldn't mind you coming to visit me between classes."

Sirius laughed. "Nice try, Remy, but you need your rest."

I pouted, that was not fair.

"Go back to sleep," he said. "I'll see you after classes and I'll bring you some food from the kitchen."

I liked the sound of that.

"Oh, and Remy?"

"Hmm."

"I don't know where they take you," he said, "but I heard you howl last night." He had? "It… It calmed me down."

Sirius left me with a smile and I fell back asleep, completely content.


	24. Counter Curse

**Counter Curse**

"It's time, Sirius," I said.

"I told you, I don't want them touching my hair," Sirius said.

"It's only Poppy," I told him as I sat next to him on the couch in the common room, "you can trust her."

"Can't you do it, Remy?" he asked.

"What's wrong?" I whispered, leaning in closer to him.

"I don't want them pointing their wands at me," he said. "What if they make it worse? What if it hurts?"

"There's no they," I said, "it's just Poppy."

"Will you come with me?" Sirius asked. "Under James' cloak?"

I could see just how scared Sirius was.

"Sure," I told him. "You go and ask James, he likes you better than me."

"That's not true," Sirius said, but got up anyway.

I stayed on the couch, thinking about Sirius' fear. How often had he been cursed before? He said that he didn't want anyone pointing their wand at him. My heart panged, he'd been through so much hurt and no one even knew. I wondered how deep his scars ran, mine were easily seen, but Sirius' weren't.

"Here." Sirius handed me the cloak.

I stood up and we were on our way.

"It will be fine," I told him, "I'll be there and I'll make sure, okay?"

"Yeah," Sirius said.

As we got closer, I threw the cloak over myself.

I let Sirius enter first, but Poppy didn't even look my way.

"Mr. Black," she said surprised, "what can I do for you?"

"I, umm, ah…" Sirius looked around the room and I had a feeling his was trying to find me.

I walked over to him and reached towards him with my hand, touching his arm, he seemed to calm down.

"My hair was cursed off," Sirius said, dropping his head, "I was wondering if you could fix it."

"Let me see, let me see," she said, guiding Sirius over to one of the beds and pulling out her wand.

I sat behind Sirius on the bed and rested my hand against his back.

Poppy started saying her revealing spells, humming and nodding.

"Very dark magic," she said, "I think we need Dumbledore for this one."

"No," Sirius said, his voice hard. Poppy looked at him closely. I started rubbing Sirius' back, we needed to play the part. "All I mean is," Sirius stuttered, "I don't want to disturb him, it's only hair."

"He won't mind," Poppy stepped away, "I'll go and get him."

Sirius sighed and dropped his head. I didn't risk saying anything, I couldn't blow my cover, but I moved my hand away and rested my forehead against Sirius' back. I was somewhat annoyed that I couldn't smell him through the cloak.

Dumbledore came into the room and Sirius stood up. I moved too, hiding behind the bed. James' cloak was powerful, but I didn't know if Dumbledore would be able to sense it or not. I knelt by the bed and peeked over it. Dumbledore was waving his wand around Sirius' head.

"How did this happen?" Dumbledore asked Sirius. "Did someone here do it?"

"No, Sir," Sirius said and I noticed that he didn't meet Dumbledore's eyes. "I was in Knockturn Alley over Christmas Break with my mother, Sir, and we were approached by someone. They thought I was a girl and when I corrected them they said that boys shouldn't have long hair and they cursed it off."

Sirius' lie was impressive and it showed me just how many times he must've lied before this.

"The things some people say," Dumbledore shook his head, "boys can't have long hair… I wonder what they'd think about me. Not to worry, Mr. Black, I'll have you fixed up in no time."

Dumbledore said his counter curse and then declared himself to be all done.

"Sirius," Dumbledore said, guiding Sirius to sit on the bed beside him, "I want you to know that the world can be cruel, but that shouldn't stop us from being kind. It's a tough battle, I know, but we always have a choice."

Sirius nodded his head, said his thanks, and then Dumbledore left.

"Would you like me to grow your hair?" Poppy asked Sirius.

"No," Sirius jumped up, "that's okay, it's fine. Thank you for your help."

Sirius ran from the hospital wing and I struggled to catch up to him.

"Remy?" Sirius whispered into the empty hallway. "Remy?"

We were alone, so I quickly pulled the cloak off. Sirius' wide eyes met mine.

"You're okay," I said, but my words didn't calm him down.

"Make it long," Sirius said.

"I-I can't." My hand was still too injured to hold my wand.

"Please," Sirius said.

I couldn't deny him, I had to try at least. I reached into my robes and grabbed my wand. It hurt to bend my fingers so far, but I gritted through it.

When I had hold of my wand, I tightened my grip. It was so painful. I needed to do this spell quickly, so I could release my fingers.

I pointed my wand at Sirius and he didn't even flinch, his eyes just pleaded with me. I pictured Sirius' old hair length in my mind and then I cast the spell.

" _Elongate_ ," I said and Sirius' hair began to grow. Once it reached the length it used to be, I pulled my wand away.

"Thanks, Remy." Sirius sighed.

I quickly put my wand away and flexed my fingers. My hand was doing much better, but it was still stiff and painful.

"Does it look alright?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah," I smiled, "good as new."

"Thanks for pushing me," he said, "I don't know why I was so worried about it."

Oh Sirius, my beautiful broken boy… What? Where had that thought come from?

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked.

"Umm, I… Ah, yeah," I quickly said.

Sirius wasn't mine, I couldn't even blame it on the wolf as we were nowhere near the full moon. Shit.

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked. "You look a little sick."

"I-I'm fine," I said, trying to push the thought away.

I couldn't like him like that, could I? Sirius was just a friend, he was my best friend, and nothing more.


	25. - END OF FIRST YEAR -

**End of First Year**

It was the evening after my ninth full moon since starting Hogwarts and life was good. I was currently dozing with my head in Sirius' lap as he lazily ran his hand through my hair. Today was the last day of our first year.

A lot had happened in the past four months. My hand was now fully functional and no longer hurt. It was still scarred, but that would never change. Sirius had three perfect scores stuck to the wall in between our beds and I was so proud of him.

My past werewolf changes had gone as good as my fifth, Sirius' dragon hide jacket really seemed to soothe the beast inside me. I couldn't believe my luck, but I knew it was all about to change. Summer was upon us and it would be three long months without Sirius or his jacket. I wasn't even thinking about the chains waiting for me back at home.

As for Sirius and my feelings towards him, I had avoided any and all such thoughts like the plague. Sirius was my friend, that was all. We were just close because we were best friends. I needed to accept what he gave me and nothing more.

"Are you awake?" Sirius asked.

"Hmm."

The feeling of Sirius' hand running through my hair was so peaceful.

"What are you going to do over the summer?" Sirius asked.

We were alone in our dorm room on my bed. James and Peter were at the end of year feast. Gryffindor hadn't won the house cup, so I hadn't bothered expelling any extra energy by heading down there. Sirius had agreed to stay with me and he'd even gone to the kitchen and got us our own feast.

"I'm sure it will be fine," I said, my eyes closed. "I've been doing this for most of my life. I'm sure my hand injury last time was just a fluke."

"I don't like it," Sirius said, his voice hard. "Isn't there a way we can… I don't know… see each other or something?"

"Dumbledore said he was going to talk to my parents," I told Sirius, "he said that he'd come up with something that was best for me."

"And you trust him?"

"Yeah. Don't you?" I asked.

"I guess. I mean, my family hates him, but he was good when he un-cursed my hair, saying that stuff about being kind and stuff. …Do you think he thinks I'm different from my family?"

"I honestly don't know," I said, "but I think you're different."

Sirius laughed. "Thanks, Remy, but you don't know my family."

"I'll get to meet Regulus in September," I said, smiling. Sirius adored his little brother and I couldn't wait to meet him.

"I'm so torn about that," Sirius said, "part of me wants him to be sorted into Slytherin so our mother can't punish him, and maybe she'll ease up on me, part of me wants him to be sorted into Gryffindor because then he'd be like me, and another part wants him anywhere but Slytherin, so that we can show everyone that not all Black's become bad wizards. I don't know."

"Don't worry about it," I said, turning onto my back so I could look at Sirius, his hand never left my hair, "even though I don't trust that sorting hat, I'm sure it knows what it's doing. Even if Regulus is sorted into Slytherin we can hang out with him, I don't mind."

"We're getting an owl," Sirius declared.

"What?" I asked him. Where did that thought come from?

"An owl," Sirius said, "me and you, we can use it to keep in contact over the summer. There's no way I'm leaving you alone again, maybe we can even meet up or something too."

"Umm, Sirius," I said, "I… I don't have any money for an owl."

"So," Sirius shrugged, "I'll buy it, but it will be ours."

"I'm not comfortable with that," I admitted.

"Why?" Sirius asked.

"Can't it just be your owl?" I asked. "We don't need to share it."

Sirius pulled his hand out of my hair. "Why won't you accept this?" he asked.

"I just… I've never had an owl before, or an animal, my parents don't think it's wise because of what I am. They think I'll kill it and I probably will. I already have one animal I can't control."

"Oh, Remy," Sirius said, "I bet you wouldn't."

"But how would we know?" I asked. "Just say it's your owl, Sirius, that's all I'm asking."

"No, it's ours."

I pulled away from him and sat up. "Sirius, please, I never ask for anything."

"And neither do I," he bit straight back. "I don't want an owl," he said, "I'm not good with creatures, no one in my family is, we don't treat them right. My mother once plucked all the wing feathers out of our owl because it was old and accidentally dropped the mail into the fire. If the owl is yours too, I won't hurt it, I promise."

We were quite the pair. Sirius' was afraid of being mean and hurting the owl, and I was afraid of what the wolf would do to it.

"Okay," I said, "it can be ours."

Sirius smiled brightly. "I'll pick one up the first chance I get and send you a letter."

I smiled too. I loved that I now had a way to keep in contact with Sirius over the summer, maybe these three months wouldn't be too long after all.

"And you'll tell me what Dumbledore's plan is about your change as soon as you know?" Sirius asked.

"I will." I nodded. "Now, what about you? Do you think your mother's going to hurt you again?"

Sirius tensed up and wouldn't meet my eyes. "I don't know," he said, "probably. I doubt she got all her frustrations out last time. My only saving grace is Regulus, he's her favorite son, so she'll be fussing over him, getting him ready to start school, to become a Slytherin."

"Write to me," I told him, "about whatever happens. I know we can't stop it, but I can be there for you." Sirius didn't answer. "Sirius," I said.

"I can't, Remy. I'm sorry, but I can't," he said. "I hate that you already know about it all, no one's supposed to know, my mother warned me and if she ever found out that you knew…" Sirius went pale.

"She won't," I promised him. "I won't tell anyone and I won't write about it in case she intercepts the letters. She'll never find out from me."

Sirius nodded.

I wanted to lay back down with my head on his lap, but I wasn't sure if the moment was still there.

"What are we going to call it?" I asked.

"Don't know," Sirius said, "I've never named something before."

Neither had I.

"You do it," I said and Sirius frowned, "I want you to name it. You're buying it, so you can name it."

"Alright," he said, "but speaking of names," Sirius started to shift and he wouldn't meet my eyes again, "I don't know if you remember, you probably don't, but back on the first day here we were walking and I called you Remy and you said you were going to find a nickname for me, well, it's just, you never gave me one. …It's okay if you forgot."

"I… I didn't forget," I said, dropping my head, "It's just… Every name I thought of didn't seem good enough."

"You think too much," Sirius said, "it doesn't have to be perfect. Remy just came from you stuttering your name."

"Yeah," I said, "but it came from something. Naming things is hard, especially when you care about them."

"You care about me?" Sirius asked, he seemed guarded.

"Y-yes… D-don't you care about me?"

"Of course," Sirius said, "more than anyone in this world."

His words made my heart swell, but then it all came crashing down. We were friends, only friends, nothing more.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked.

I hated that he could read me so well. I had a feeling it had to do in the environment he was raised in.

"Next year," James said, coming into the room with Peter, "next year we'll win the house cup, and the Quidditch cup. I'm bringing my broom, I can't believe they don't let first years bring their brooms. That school broom I used to tryout was rigged. I'll make the team next year, just you wait and see. I'll be the best Chaser this school has ever seen."

"I bet you will be," Peter said, "can I watch your tryout?"

"Sure," James said.

They turned their attention onto us.

"Shit, Remus, mate," James said, "you have the worst bed hair I've ever seen, how the hell did you manage to do that?"

I felt my face flush and, as I looked down at the bed, I flattened my hair with my hand. It was all Sirius' doing, no doubt.

"I can't wait until summer's over." James sat on my bed with Sirius and me. "I've enjoyed this year, but I feel like next year is going to be even better."

"I couldn't agree more," Sirius said, "the Professors won't know what hit them. I'm going to come up with the best pranks."

"Good luck," James said, "but mine will be better."

"How about you lay off the pranks next year?" I suggested.

"Remus," James sighed, "this was our first year, we were good little boys, just testing the waters, but next year we'll be second years and nothing will be holding us back."

I had a feeling he was right. I didn't like getting into trouble, but I knew I'd do anything to keep my friends.


	26. Sending Letters

**Sending Letters**

"Remus, have a seat please," my father said.

I'd been home for two days and things had been tense to say the least. Everyone seemed like they had something to say, but nobody was talking.

I took a seat and my mother joined my father.

"Professor Dumbledore came and saw as a couple of months back," Dad said.

This was it.

"We got to talking about you. You're growing up, Remus," he said, "and that means your wolf is growing too, he's getting bigger, stronger. The last time you were here, I think we can all agree that your change didn't go as any of us expected. Dumbledore has made a suggestion that, we all agree, is the best decision for you."

Oh no.

"It has been decided that for all of your future changes, while you're attending Hogwarts, will happen at the location Dumbledore has setup for you."

What? I got to go to the shack every month, even when I was on break? I didn't have to be in the dungeon, chained up, with no window, in the cold, wet, dark space? I couldn't believe my ears.

"Is that okay?" Mom asked. "Because if it's not we can come up with something else."

"No," I said strongly, "that's perfect, really. I'm so happy. Thank you."

I jumped up and hugged my parents before sitting back down.

"Dumbledore has suggested that you will take the floo network to Professor McGonagall's office on the afternoon of the full moon, and then you know what to do after that. He told us that everything he's put into place during term will still happen even during the summer."

So, Poppy would be there too? I couldn't believe how well this was going. I'd been so worried about my upcoming changes, but not anymore. I couldn't wait to tell Sirius.

* * *

I was sitting on my bed, reading my Transfiguration textbook for next year when there was a weird noise coming from my window. I looked up and saw a small brown owl, pecking at the glass. I'd almost forgotten about the owl Sirius said he was getting us, our owl.

I jumped up, my books and papers flying everywhere, and opened the window. The owl came in, flying once around the room before he landed on my bed and started burrowing underneath the covers. I approached it cautiously, I'd never been this close to an animal before. I could feel a slight urge to chase and catch the owl, but I pushed it aside.

I knelt on the floor and carefully lifted the covers of my bed. The owl was burrowed deep in there. I threw the covers off completely and it looked like the owl was sleeping. I cautiously reached towards it and untied the letter around its leg.

Once I had it, I sat on the floor with my back against the bed and read it.

* * *

 _-R_

 _Here's our owl, as promised. He's a barn owl and his name is Rensen._

 _I don't have much to say, I just wanted to get this letter to you._

 _-S.O.B._

* * *

Sirius' letter didn't hold much, but then again he never really talked much so I wasn't worried. I turned and looked at Rensen, our new owl. He looked young. He was brown with a cream-colored face and cream spots all over him. He looked adorable, but I was still hesitant to be around him.

I decided to let him sleep while I worked on my letter to Sirius.

The letter didn't take long, it was hard to say what I wanted without revealing any details. I couldn't exactly say that I was a werewolf in these letters.

I rolled up the letter and tied it to the owl's leg as he laid there. I looked at him. Was I supposed to wake up him? Could I poke him or something? I wanted him gone. I didn't want to be left alone with him in case I hurt him. I went to leave, the window was still open so surely he'd wake up and go on his way.

When I was at the door, I felt something land on my head. Before I could panic, I saw that Rensen was no longer on my bed. He was ruffling himself in my hair, pecking at it, but not hurting me, and then he let out a low hoot before flying out the window. I hurried over and watched him leave with my letter to Sirius.

* * *

 _-S_

 _Rensen is a very cute owl. I didn't really have time to bond with him because I wanted to let you know what was going on._

 _Every month, they're allowing me to go back to where I feel safe._

 _Do you think you can come to Hogsmeade on that day so I can see you? Please let me know._

 _-R.J.L._

* * *

 _-R_

 _Of course I'll be there, let me know the details._

 _Things have been strained here, but I'm okay. Your protection charm is doing its job._

 _-S.O.B._

* * *

 _-S_

 _Please let me know if there's anything I can do._

 _Rensen's pretty sweet, he seems to like playing with my hair as much as you do. You did a good job picking out our owl._

 _I haven't been up to much, just studying, trying to get a head start on next year._

 _Thank you for agreeing to come, I'm less worried now. I can't wait to see you, I miss you so much already._

 _-R.J.L._

* * *

 _-R_

 _I miss you too_

 _-S.O.B_

* * *

Sirius' letter was worryingly short. _I miss you too_ … That's it? There had to be more.

Rensen was sitting on my shoulder, pecking at the hair at the nape of my neck. I carefully grabbed him and set him on my bed. I knelt beside it so we were at eye level.

"This is it?" I asked.

Rensen stared at me with his big yellow eyes, then he cocked his head to the side and hooted.

"How did he seem?" I asked, but of course Rensen didn't answer me.

I sighed. Something was up with Sirius, I just knew it.

I quickly wrote Sirius a letter, I needed to know for sure. Once done, I tied it to Rensen's leg.

"You'll make sure he's okay," I said, picking Rensen up. "You'll stay with him, you'll make him feel better when I can't."

…Why was I talking to an owl?

"Go to him," I said, petting Rensen's back, "protect him for me."

Rensen gave a low hoot and then he was off. I watched him helplessly. Something was going on and I was feeling powerless. At least Rensen had my letter to Sirius.

* * *

 _-S_

 _Is everything okay?_

 _Please be safe._

 _-R.J.L._

* * *

Sirius' reply never came. I sat by my window and watched the skies constantly, looking for any sign of Rensen. I missed our owl, I missed Sirius more. I only hoped that Rensen was looking after Sirius like I asked.

I caught a speck in the distance and my heart swelled. It was Rensen. I smiled so brightly, but as he got closer, I saw that he was carrying nothing. Why was that?

Rensen flew into my room and went straight for my bed, burrowing underneath the covers. I uncovered him and sat him on my lap. His yellow eyes locked on mine and he seemed worried, or maybe I was just imagining it.

"You need to go back," I told him and he dove towards my covers again, burying himself. "You have to," I said, "someone has to protect him."

What was Sirius' mother doing to him?

I got up and quickly wrote another letter. I wanted Rensen to be with Sirius. I could only hope that Rensen was a calming presence, a reminder of me. If only I had James' invisibility cloak, that way I could see Sirius and check on him, but then again, he had agreed to see me the day of the full moon. Was that still happening or not? I needed to know.

* * *

 _-S_

 _Please answer me._

 _Are you still coming to Hogsmeade?_

 _-R.J.L._

* * *

The full moon was tomorrow and I still had no word from Sirius, nor had I seen Rensen. I was going sick with worry.

Right before I was about to fall asleep, Rensen flew in through my window, which I'd left open, and dove straight into bed with me. I sat up, turning on my light. I didn't want to disturb Rensen, but I needed to know Sirius' reply.

* * *

 _-R_

 _It will be tough to get away, but I'll be there, I promise._

 _-S.O.B._

* * *

I breathed a sigh of relief. Sirius was still coming, I'd see him tomorrow. Everything would be alright once I saw him.

I shut off my light and pulled the covers over Rensen and me. Rensen gave a small hoot and snuggled up underneath my chin. I sighed, wishing it was Sirius with me, but happy that it was at least our owl.

Tomorrow couldn't come soon enough.


	27. Madam Pince

**Madam Pince**

I stepped out of the fire and into McGonagall's office. No one was there to greet me, but I didn't expect anyone to be. I shouldered my satchel and left her office.

Hogwarts was as still as the great lake in the middle of winter. It was almost unnerving, but I found that I liked it.

Rensen jumped onto my head and started messing up my hair, I just let him do it, he didn't like to listen to me anyway.

I walked the halls aimlessly for a while. I had a little over half an hour before I'd planned to meet Sirius at the main gate to Hogwarts. I was so nervous, part of me thought he wouldn't even show, but I pushed those thoughts away. He would come, he promised.

"This will be your new home," I told Rensen as we walked out onto the grounds, "well, for most of the year. You'll like it here, I bet. When summer ends we'll all be here, me, you, and Sirius."

Rensen hooted and I smiled.

"Yeah, it'll be good," I said, "all of us together… kinda like a family…"

This was silly, why was I telling Rensen these things? I decided to head to the gate now because it was better than confessing every single thought I had to Rensen.

When I got to the gate, Sirius was nowhere, but it was still early. I sat down on the grass and removed Rensen from my hair, holding him in my hands.

"He'll be here soon," I said before shaking my head, why was I still talking to Rensen?

I got so lost in looking at Rensen that when Rensen turned his head and looked into the distance, I looked too. Sirius was standing there, just watching us. I put Rensen down and quickly stood up. Sirius had come and he still had his hair.

I pressed my face as close to the gate as I could, but Sirius didn't come any closer. Rensen flew over to him though, then he flew back to me. Back and forth, back and forth. It was like he couldn't decide which of us he wanted to go to.

"Sirius," I called out, worry in my voice.

His eyes met mine, he seemed torn too, why was he torn? What was going on? Sirius looked behind him for a beat before coming over to me. I breathed a sigh of relief.

"Here," he said, handing me his dragon hide jacket, "I should go."

"Wait," I said, reaching out and grabbing his hand, "what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Sirius said, his eyes drilling into mine. I felt like he was trying to warn me off or something.

"Sirius, it's me," I said, "we're alone, well, except for Rensen."

"I can't," Sirius said and then I sensed his fear. He looked towards the castle, Dumbledore right, plus Sirius' family. Meeting him here was such a big risk. "I need to go," he said, "and I won't be able to come back until term starts, so keep the jacket and Rensen."

He pulled his hand from mine and walked away.

"Sirius," I called out, "Sirius," but he didn't turn back.

Rensen landed on my shoulder.

"Go with him," I told Rensen, "you need to protect him, he needs you more than me."

Rensen let out a low whistle and flew over to Sirius, landing on his shoulder. Sirius stopped walking and Rensen buried himself under Sirius' long hair. I thought Sirius might send Rensen back to me, but he didn't. His shoulders relaxed and he continued on his way.

"Be safe," I called out and I saw Sirius flinch. What were they doing to him at home?

Sirius never turned back, and then, he was gone.

I didn't like this at all. Couldn't summer be over and done with already? At least Rensen was going with him.

I gripped Sirius' jacket tighter, he said I could keep it for the summer, that he wasn't coming back. I remembered him writing that it would be hard for him to get away, but he had. He had risked himself to make sure I had his jacket. If only I could do the same thing for him.

Feeling hopeless, I headed back to the castle. I had a little time before the full moon and there was something I needed to do. If I was to keep Sirius' jacket for the rest of the summer then I needed to find a spell that would make sure his scent wouldn't fade. I needed to keep the wolf satisfied. I wasn't going to injure myself again if I could help it.

I went straight for the library. I needed to find this spell before the wolf got his scent all over Sirius' jacket.

Finding the right spell was harder than I expected. I'd already pulled out at least ten books, but no luck. Someone cleared their throat from behind me and I turned to see the librarian Madam Pince glaring at me.

"S-sorry," I said, "I'll make sure I clean up."

"May I ask what you're looking for?" She walked over to me.

"Umm, no, it's okay," I said, turning back to the book I was looking at.

"Mr. Lupin," she said, "I like you. You're always in the library, never making a fuss, and I can see just how much you love and respect books. Let me help you, I have nothing else to do."

"Umm, okay," I said. She came to stand next to me. "I'm trying to find a spell that will keep the scent in this jacket. It only has to last a couple of months. I was thinking about some kind of spell that preserves the material's biology or something."

"That could work," she said, grabbing a book off the shelf.

I watched her for a moment. Madam Pince had always been strict, but then again, maybe that was because the students here really didn't respect her rules. I went back to my book and we searched together.

"I think this one will work," she said after twenty minutes had passed. She handed me the book.

I looked it over, the spell had potential.

"Why don't you give it a go?" she said.

"Shouldn't you… Couldn't you do it?" I asked, knowing I was on a time limit.

"Remus," she said softly, "the teachers here all talk about you, about how magically inclined you are. They constantly say that there's not a spell you can't do. Just give it a go. I can always do it if it doesn't work."

Okay. I grabbed my wand and said the spell with the wand movements, but nothing happened.

"How do I know if it worked?" I asked.

"Let me show you a simple, but useful spell," Madam Pince said, "watch my wand carefully."

I watched as she did a really weird wand movement and then Sirius' jacket gave a blue glow before it faded.

"See that," she said, "blue means that it's been enchanted." She grabbed a book and did the same movement, but this time it glowed orange. "Orange means it's ordinary. Now, this is a starting step, there are other spells you can learn that will show you if it's dark magic or not, and then other spells which will show you exactly what the enchantment is. But this one's good to do a quick check. You give it a go."

I repeated her movements as perfectly as I could and I was rewarded with the blue glow.

"Thank you, Madam Pince," I said, glad to have learned something new.

"Remus, please call me Irma outside of school, okay?"

I nodded my head. Irma was nowhere near as bad as I imagined her to be. I'd seen her yell at so many of the students, she ruled fiercely, but I liked this new softer side of her.

"And," she said, "feel free to spend as much time as you want here. Professor Dumbledore has informed us all that you will be here every full moon on your breaks, so if you ever want to come early and check out the books then feel free. I could always use the company too."

I nodded my head and started putting the books back.

"I'll do that," she told me, "you better hurry, the moon will be full soon."

The moon, right. I picked up Sirius' jacket. "Thank you, Irma."

She smiled at me and I was on my way.

The castle was still silent and I still liked it. Maybe I would come early next full moon and spend some extra time here, or I could leave later. My parents thought that it took me days to recover, they didn't know that I had only needed a day of rest as of late.

Poppy was waiting for me at the front door and we walked towards the Whomping Willow together. We shared some small talk, but it was nothing of importance. She watched me climb through the trapdoor into the shack and I shut it behind me.

I put my satchel and wand in the corner and then got undressed. I sat in my spot against the stairs and brought Sirius' jacket to my nose, sniffing it. It smelled like him, maybe even more so. I wondered if that was because of the spell or not. I hoped it held. I didn't like that I wouldn't see Sirius for another two months. Even our meeting today was nothing more than the passing of his jacket, but at least I got to see him. I could see that he was still alive and physically unharmed, and that was something.

My first bone cracked and I held Sirius' jacket against my nose, hoping it would calm me and the wolf.

Everything turned dark and the wolf took over.

I woke up and yet again I was surprised that I was uninjured. Surely Sirius' jacket wouldn't last forever. That was six full moons now that I'd survived completely unscathed. It all had to end, I knew that, but until it did, I wasn't going to question it.


	28. Rensen

**Rensen**

One month with no word from Sirius, one month without Rensen. Life wasn't going great. The only thing keeping me going was that Rensen was still with Sirius, unless he was dead, unless they were both dead. No, I couldn't think that. They were fine.

I snuggled deeper into Sirius' bed in Gryffindor Tower. I had the full moon tonight, but I didn't feel like doing anything except sleeping, so that's what I was doing. I had my face buried in Sirius' jacket and I was glad it still smelled like him, it calmed me.

I'd left the window open hoping that Rensen would come and visit me, surely Sirius would send word on today of all days. He knew how important this was for me, how much I needed his support, at least, I thought he did. Why had I never told him?

I tossed and turned, unable to sleep even though that's what I wanted more than anything. Couldn't I just sleep the summer away? Couldn't I just stay in Sirius' bed with his jacket and pretend that he was here with me, that he was safe? Why couldn't our lives be easier?

Something hit my head and I groaned as I rolled over. My eyes widened and I sat up quickly when I noticed it was Rensen.

Rensen was laying on the pillow, not moving, with his leg sticking up in the air. I thought he had mail, but there was nothing there.

I picked him up in both of my hands and looked closer. There was a small scroll of paper secured to his leg. My heartrate picked up as I untied it. I hoped this was the word from Sirius that I'd been waiting for. I unrolled it.

The words calmed me, but also made me more anxious at the same time.

 _Be safe_.

Be safe… but what about Sirius?

"Is he okay?" I asked Rensen.

Rensen scrambled out of my hands and buried himself in Sirius' jacket. His actions didn't make me feel any better, but then again, he was an owl, he didn't understand me.

I laid down, snuggling closer to Sirius' jacket and Rensen, hoping that I'd finally be able to get some sleep. Sirius had sent me this message, that meant he was still alive, and so was Rensen. The thought calmed me enough to fall asleep.

"Remus, Remus," someone called out.

I groaned, burying my face further into Sirius' bed.

"Remus," they shook me, "you're late, you need to move."

Late?

"Now," they screeched, was that McGonagall? "You only have moments before you change into a wolf."

What? I shot up, rubbing my eyes. I was late?

"We thought you were already there," McGonagall said, "Poppy's not here today. …You need to run."

Oh no. I quickly gathered up Sirius' jacket and bolted from the room. How could I be so late? How could I miss the signs I felt every month? I guess I was just too exhausted and I'd fallen into a deep sleep.

Once outside, I saw just how close the moon was to being full. I didn't stop, I dodged the Whomping Willow's branches and slid through the hole into the tunnel. I needed to move faster. I ran down the long tunnel. My footsteps and labored breathing ricocheted off the walls and surrounded me.

My first bone snapped, my arm, but I kept running. I needed to make it. If I didn't, if I got free, I'd kill, or hurt someone. It would give Dumbledore enough reason to kick me out. I ran faster. I saw the trapdoor up ahead and I threw myself through it, slamming it shut.

Another bone cracked, but I stuck to my routine. I put Sirius' jacket and my wand down and started disrobing. It was so hard, my bones kept breaking, but I kept pressing forward. I was finally down to my underwear when I threw myself against my spot by the stairs.

I'd made it, but it had been way too close.

* * *

 **Wolf's POV**

I now enjoyed my time in this world, but things were getting stale.

I liked the scent, I bathed in it, but it wasn't enough, not for much longer.

I ambled over to the window and looked at the moon, howling.

I was in pain, not physical, but emotional, why?

I continued to howl. I was missing something, someone.

I didn't like feeling like this. I scrambled around the room, trying to find the scent.

I found it, but I also found so much more.

I was looking into eyes, real-life eyes. I'd never seen eyes before, only my own in the scarce reflection.

I stared at the eyes. What was this? Yellow eyes, so wide. Such a small little thing.

I leaned closer to the ball of feathers, it didn't move. What was it?

I touched it with my paw and it made a small squeak. What was this fun toy?

I touched it again and smiled, the boy had finally given me something to play with, something to chase, something to kill.

I bared my teeth, I must've been a very good boy. The ball of feathers flew away from me and I watched it. It was just a little thing, but I bet it would taste good.

I gave chase. Running in circles, jumping, swiping, snarling and snapping, trying to catch it. It was fast.

I didn't give in, this was fun. The chase was the best part, but the kill would be fun too.

I made contact with the ball of feathers' wings, but it got away. I allowed it to get away.

I liked this thing, I liked this game.

I caught it and it squeaked, its eyes wide.

I stared into those eyes, why did they seem familiar?

I was just about to snap its neck when something hit me, if I killed it, it would be gone and I would be alone again.

I didn't want that, did I? But I could kill it, eat it.

I snarled, why was this so hard? The decision should be easy.

I let the ball of feathers go and watched it fly. It was a cute little thing. Pure, innocent, unlike me.

I slumped against the stairs and just watched it. The ball of feathers got tired at some point and I watched as it buried itself in the jacket, my jacket.

I roared, clambering over to the jacket, pulling it away from the little thing.

I brought the jacket to my nose, sniffing it. Mmm, the scent was so sweet.

I looked at the ball of feathers, it was watching me. I glared, this was my jacket, not theirs.

I pulled the jacket over my head and laid down. Chasing the little thing had tired me out. I'd had fun, even if it was short-lived.

I was hopeful. If the boy saw that I spared the ball of feathers then maybe I'd get to play with it again.

I drifted off and then I felt something. It was the little thing trying to get the jacket again. No. This was mine.

I opened my mouth and closed it around the ball of feathers. How dare they try and take my jacket from me?

I would kill it, then it would be dead and the jacket would be all mine.

I closed my jaw. I heard a snap. I smiled in glee.

This was my first kill and I regretted nothing.


	29. The Fate of Rensen

**The Fate of Rensen**

 **Wolf's POV**

I killed it. I killed the little ball of feathers. It was no more.

I opened my mouth and it fell to the floor with a soft thud. It was dead. I couldn't chase it any more.

I prodded it with my paw, it didn't move.

I whined, poking the little thing. Why wouldn't it move? Couldn't it come back and fly again?

I nuzzled it, still whining. I didn't want it dead no more. I regretted killing it. Maybe the boy could bring it back.

I cradled it in my paws. Its little chest was rising and falling.

I whined again, nuzzling it harder. It wasn't dead?

I pulled back, howling softly. The little ball of feathers chirped softly.

I hadn't killed it, but I'd hurt it.

I didn't care. I was so happy. It was alive.

I held it against my chest and went over to my spot near the stairs.

I started licking the little thing, all over, hoping I could fix it. It opened its wide eyes.

I hadn't killed it. It was alive. This made me happy.

I kept licking and nuzzling it as I curled up into a ball.

I kept it close to me, making sure no more hurt came to it, then I grabbed the jacket the little thing wanted and shared it.

I made sure we were both covered, that the scent surrounded us both.

The little ball of feathers had almost been my first kill and I regretted everything.

* * *

"Rensen," I called out, jolting awake, sitting up. He was sleeping in my hands. His chest was moving up and down, he was alive.

I remembered everything the wolf did. How he had chased Rensen, trying to play with him, how he'd gotten so territorial over Sirius' jacket that he snapped and tried to kill Rensen, how he'd realized his mistake and stopped, how he'd cared for Rensen, tried to make him feel better. I could still feel his sorrow and regret.

"Rensen," I whispered softly, "are you okay? I'm so sorry."

Rensen opened his eyes, but didn't move. Rensen could be lazy, but I knew this was something else, it was because I hurt him.

I set Rensen on Sirius' jacket and quickly got dressed, then I picked him up, making sure Sirius' scent surrounded him fully. I needed to get help.

When I reached the Whomping Willow, I remembered that Poppy wasn't here. I didn't know if she fixed animals or not, did you even fix animals with magic or did you have to do it the muggle way? I had no idea.

"Remus," McGonagall said as I was running up the steps to the castle, "I was just about to check on you. Are you alright?"

"F-fine" I said, pushing past her, "e-excuse me."

I needed to go to the only person, who was in this castle, that I trusted, Madam Pince.

I didn't stop running until I made it to the library.

"No running in my library," Irma screeched and I stopped where I was. "Remus," she said, her voice softening, "is everything okay?"

"It's Rensen," I said, opening Sirius' jacket so she could see, "he's hurt."

"Oh my." She guided me over to one of the tables and I sat down.

"Can you help him?" I asked.

"No, I can't, but Rubeus Hagrid can."

"Th-that big guy who keeps to himself?" I asked. "Th-the one that lives by the forest."

That guy scared me. Sometimes I saw him watching me from his hut, it was always on the full moon, he had an odd look in his eyes.

"Remus, he's a good man, very kind, he can help you."

What choice did I have?

"O-okay," I said.

Irma went off and I carefully sat the jacket and Rensen on the table, uncovering him. He was sleeping again, at least I hoped he was asleep. I didn't dare touch him, I didn't want to make anything worse.

The wolf had tried to kill Rensen, but just like when he tried to kill me, he stopped himself, but why? Rensen was no one to him, but I'd felt his remorse and it was more than just him losing his new toy.

Hagrid came into the library, ducking under the arch. He was so big.

"It's no trouble, Irma," he said and I eyed him carefully. "Where's the little thing?"

"Right over here, Rubeus." Irma guided him over to me.

I tried not to tense up, but the guy was imposing. I didn't make eye contact, I just kept my gaze on Rensen. Hagrid didn't waste any time, he picked Rensen up and I noticed that Rensen looked so tiny in his big hands.

"What happened?" he asked, his voice was so rough.

"Umm…" I said, "I accidently bit him."

"You did this?" Hagrid asked, glaring at me.

Did he know I was a werewolf? He wasn't a teacher. I decided to backtrack.

"N-no, sorry, that's not what I meant. A dog got him, had him in his mouth. I scared him off and he dropped him."

Hagrid nodded. "What's his name?"

"R-Rensen."

"R-Rensen?" Hagrid asked. "I've heard some weird names in my time-"

"Rubeus," Irma said softly, "his name is Rensen."

"Oh, right, sorry." Hagrid flushed pink and examined Rensen again. "It looks like it's just a broken wing, but I think he's got some of that psycho-logical trauma too. There's somethin' missin' in his eyes, I can see it."

"C-can you fix his wing?" I asked.

"Of course," Hagrid said. "Hold him for a moment."

I held Rensen gently.

"In a dog's mouth?" Hagrid said, searching his pockets. "You're lucky, no dog I've ever met would've dropped him, nor would they have not dug their teeth in, the skin ain't even pierced, it's odd."

That was odd. I set Rensen on the table and pulled out my wand, doing the revealing spell Irma had taught me yesterday. I was surprised when Rensen glowed blue, he'd been enchanted. Sirius must've done it. I knew he was so afraid of hurting Rensen and this way he couldn't, or the damage was lessened, or something.

I wondered what spell he had used and when he learned it. I had a feeling he'd learned whatever it was early in life to protect himself from his mother.

"Here it is," Hagrid said after going through all his pockets. "This is a sling."

I watched as he wrapped Rensen's wing up.

"Now," Hagrid said, "it's gonna take a few weeks ta heal, but he'll be alright. As I said, very lucky. Here." He handed Rensen back. "He's not gonna be able ta fly or nothin', you need ta keep him close, don't let him move." Hagrid was looking through his pockets again. "Come an' see me when term starts an' I can take a look, see if he's healed, okay."

"O-okay."

"Here it is," Hagrid said, pulling out a small leather pouch with a string on it. "Put him in here. He's gonna be sleeping a lot more than usual, you're gonna hafta make sure that you feed him and give him water. Keep him strong and healthy."

I carefully slid Rensen into the fur-lined pouch.

"That strap goes around ya head," Hagrid told me, "best ta keep him close to ya for body warmth. Anythin' else, Irma?"

"No, Rubeus, thank you for coming."

"Anytime," he smiled, and I thought he didn't look as mean and scary anymore, "ya know jus' how much I care for the animals. Glad I could help, really."

"T-thank you," I said, meeting Hagrid's eyes for the first time, "for saving my owl."

"He's a sweet little thing, make sure ya come and see me when term starts, okay?"

"I will," I promised. "I'll, umm, actually be back before term starts, I could come see you then, maybe."

"Of course," Hagrid said, "whenever ya want, I don' have much going on."

Hagrid left and I put the strap around my neck, holding Rensen close to my heart. Rensen seemed to be sleeping peacefully.

"See," Irma said, "there was nothing to worry about, Rubeus is such a sweet and kind man."

I felt silly now, but how was I to know? The man looked like a giant and giants were scary. That thought led me to myself. I was a werewolf, if people saw me in my werewolf form they'd think I was scary too, they wouldn't want to be around me. I felt like Sirius would think that too. Knowing something is completely different from seeing it with your own two eyes. I felt foolish for judging Hagrid before I'd met him.

Irma sat next to me, glancing at Rensen.

"I like your owl," she said, "who enchanted him? I saw the shock on your face when he glowed blue."

"Umm, no one, I don't know," I stuttered.

"Remus," she said, "if there's one thing I excel at, it's reading people. I can tell when you're being deceitful. I'm here for you, you should know that."

"I, umm, I need to be careful," I said, trying to warn her with my eyes. "Are you friends with…" I lowered my voice, "Dumbledore?"

She regarded me quietly before answering. "No," she said. "I've known Dumbledore since I went to school here, but I wouldn't call us friends. We say hello in passing, but nothing more. I tend to keep to my library unless it's unavoidable."

"Oh, well, it was Sirius Black."

"Sirius Black," Irma said, disgust clearly in her voice. Of course, everyone had the same reaction to Sirius. "That boy is nothing but trouble." Here we go. "He never comes into the library to study and when he does grace us with his presence he creates such a racquet, it's like his only goal is to disturb everyone."

I smiled, that was Sirius.

I was a little surprised by Irma's answer, she wasn't upset at Sirius because of his family, she was upset because he acted like a prat in her library. It was definitely refreshing to hear.

"You like him," Irma smiled at me, "you might even love him."

"W-what are you talking about?" I asked, feeling my face heating up.

"I can read people," she said. "When I first started talking about him, you looked so defensive, ready to fight me, and then, by the end, you were smiling like a boy in love."

"S-Sirius is just a friend," I said.

"A friend who enchanted your owl to protect it from you."

"H-he didn't do that for me." Had he? "He did it for himself."

"And why would Sirius Black need to protect Rensen from himself?" she asked.

"I can't say," I said, "and Rensen is our owl, both of ours, not mine."

"I see." Irma was thoughtful.

I looked down at Rensen, he was still sleeping.

"He's a real Russ," she said, smiling fondly.

"What's that?" I asked.

"In the village where I was raised, they called a certain type of people Russ. It's someone who acts nice on the outside, but they're really terrible on the inside. And that's Sirius, but just the other way around. He pushes out his darkness and bad side to everyone, but I can see by his actions, and how much you care for him, that he's really soft on the inside. The Sirius Black who yells and annoys everyone in my library would never put a protection charm on an animal, his owl or not. He's a Russ." I frowned and Irma laughed. "It's a good thing, Remus," she said, "at least in his case."

Russ… I liked that name and I liked what it represented; that although Sirius was one thing on the outside, he was the complete opposite on the inside. Russ, maybe that could be his nickname, if he liked it.

"Irma, do you know much about the Black's, or about those types of wizarding families?" I asked.

"A little," she said, "what's on your mind?"

"I… I know someone's hurting him at home, I just don't know what they're doing to him."

She smiled sadly at me. "I think you already know this," she said, "but they don't use their fists like muggles, they use their wands. Curses, dark magic, whatever works. They, especially those who have been in that environment since birth, are completely vulnerable, everything is known, their strengths, their weaknesses. Their abusers know what works effectively, what doesn't."

I didn't like the sound of that at all.

"Is there anything I can do?" I asked. "I feel so helpless."

"No," she said and I hated her answer. "Interfering would only make things worse for Sirius. The only thing that can possibly help in these situations is another member of the family."

Another family member? …Sirius' uncle, the one who gave him the tattoo.

"What is it?" Irma asked, she was definitely too good at reading people.

"He has an uncle," I said, "he's different, he's protected Sirius before. He got him a tattoo that protects him from…" I trailed off, I shouldn't be revealing any of this. Irma didn't push me and that helped me make my decision. "It protects him from being Obliviated," I whispered.

Her face went pale. "That was not the right decision," she said, "remembering takes a heavier toll on the mind, and he has to spend half his time pretending. It would be easier if he just forgot."

"I don't think it's bad," I said.

"It has it positives," she told me, "but the negatives are too great. Think of Sirius right now, you said you think he's being harmed, well, he's not going to be able to forget any of it. Every curse, every insult uttered, all of it, he will remember it all forever. He's cursed to never forget."

Oh, I hadn't thought of it like that.

"So, his uncle can't help him?" I asked.

"No one can know the answer to that," Irma said. "This is what you need to ask yourself, can it make the situation worse? And maybe, how can I go about this without endangering Sirius further? If you trust this uncle, I'd say, go for it, just make sure you protect yourself and Sirius in the process."

"Right," I said, trying to process it all, "thank you, Irma."

She stood up and left me to my thoughts.

I trusted Sirius' Uncle Alphard and I was sick of doing nothing. He may have been wrong for tattooing Sirius, cursing him to never forget, but I had to believe that his intentions were good. He was trying to protect his nephew. I needed to write to him, I needed to try. I grabbed a piece of parchment and carefully wrote my letter.

* * *

 _Dear Alphard Black_

 _You don't know me, and I don't know you, but I know your nephew Sirius._

 _I'm worried about him. You need to see him, you need to protect him._

 _Help him, please. I can't, but you can._

 _Just check on him, that's all I'm asking._

 _From a friend_

* * *

I hoped that was enough. Irma was right, I needed to protect myself and Sirius at all costs. Everyone had been so against Sirius and me, so I was glad Irma wasn't. It was good having someone to talk to about all this.

I hoped Alphard would help. Sirius had already been through two months of hell, I didn't want him to suffer any more. I needed to send the letter.

Rensen was still asleep against my chest and I was reminded that he was out of commission for the whole month, maybe longer. Sirius had kept him the last month and now I had to keep him with me. I could only imagine Sirius' reaction when Rensen didn't come back for a whole month, I knew how terrible it had made me feel.

I grabbed another piece of paper.

* * *

 _S_

 _I'm okay._

 _Rensen's hurt, but he's okay too, he just can't fly at the moment. I'll explain everything in person._

 _Don't worry about him, or me, I'll look after him for you._

 _I'll see you when term starts._

 _Be safe._

 _R.J.L._

* * *

I headed up to the owlery and chose two owls to deliver my very important letters.

Rensen started to move around once we were up in the owlery, so I quickly got the owls sorted and on their way before heading for my dorm.

I took the pouch off from around my neck and carefully scooped Rensen out. I laid Sirius' jacket on his bed and put Rensen in it, making sure he was covered completely, then, I just sat there, looking at the small lump he made in the dragon hide.

"I'm so sorry, Rensen," I said, petting him gently through the thick hide. "I'm so glad you're okay. Sirius protected you, he protected both of us."

I looked at Sirius' three perfect scores on the wall. My boy was smart, he just didn't like to show anyone. He was a Russ, my Russ.


	30. Muggle Money

**Muggle Money**

"Do you know much about werewolves?" I asked Irma.

"Only what I've read," she said, "what's on your mind?"

"I just… Last time, before the wolf tried to kill Rensen, he was having fun chasing him around and it got me thinking. I'm only twelve and the wolf's only seven, I don't know what that equates to in wolf years, but wouldn't that make him a puppy? He's been locked up his whole life, he's never played before, maybe that's what he needs."

"I'm not sure," Irma said, "maybe this is something you need to ask Dumbledore."

Why did it always come back to him?

"Remus," Irma said, "this is just like with Hagrid, you need to give people a chance." How could she read me so well? "Dumbledore would have nothing but your best interests at heart. Go and see him, the password is Butterbeer, I'll wait here for you."

I sat there, but Irma stood up and starting organizing some books. Her message was loud and clear. I sighed, what else did I have going on, it was hours before the full moon. I left the library and headed for Dumbledore's office.

"Butterbeer," I told the Gargoyle and it let me enter.

I wasn't exactly sure what I was going to say to Dumbledore, but I didn't feel like bothering him with my new problem, not when I was certain I could figure this out on my own through trial and error, but maybe I could ask him something else.

I knocked on his door.

"Come in," he said.

I stepped into his office, smiling at him before taking my seat.

"Remus," he beamed, "what can I do for you?"

"Umm… I had a question, Sir, if that's okay," I said.

Dumbledore sat down across from me. He tried to hand me a sweet, but I shook my head no.

"Of course," he said, "ask away."

I took a deep breath.

"I was wondering…" I said. "Is there someone who knows about werewolves? It's just, I don't know much, neither do my parents, and I just want to know more. I have some questions and I don't know where to find the answers. All the books only have the bad stuff, nothing about what I want to know."

"It's natural to be curious," Dumbledore said, "what are some of these questions?"

Was he trying to get me to spill my secrets? I decided to be vague.

"The wolf has desires different to my own," I told him. "He likes certain things and I want to know why. Plus, I'd like to know some physiology stuff, like how they mature, their lifespan, stuff like that."

"Hmm." Dumbledore seemed thoughtful. "Why do you want to learn these things?"

"B-because, maybe if I understand the wolf better, help him, he'll stop hurting me." That was the truth.

Dumbledore nodded, standing up and going over to his desk.

"I guess," he said, "you can start by contacting this person. They're an expert in most creatures. I'm not sure how much they know about werewolves specifically, but if they don't know the answers to your questions, then I'm sure they'll know someone who does."

Dumbledore handed me a piece of parchment with a name written on it, _Newton Scamander_.

"Isn't he the author of _Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them_?" I asked and Dumbledore nodded.

"Yes," he said, "Mr. Scamander is a fine man, I had the pleasure of teaching him at Hogwarts. If anyone knows the answers to your questions it's him. Write to him, tell him that I instructed you to, but I'm warning you, don't reveal that you're attending Hogwarts, don't even use your real name, do you understand, Remus?"

"Y-yes, Sir," I said, dropping my head. "N-no one will ever find out," I added, hoping I wasn't going too far. I couldn't let him figure out that Sirius already knew, but I needed to play the part as well.

"Very well, any other questions?"

"No, Sir, thank you for your help."

I stood up to leave.

"Remus, one more thing," he said, "Hagrid told me about your owl, the one around your neck…" oh no, "I do hope you're taking good care of him, not being reckless."

He knew, he had to. What was I supposed to say?

"Of-of course, Sir," I met his eyes, "accidents happen, but it won't happen again."

"See that it doesn't," Dumbledore said.

I left his office and all but ran back to the library. I wasn't sure seeing him was a good idea, but at least I'd gotten permission to write to Newton Scamander. I didn't waste any time, I found Newt's textbook and pulled it down, finding the werewolf section.

… _Once a month, at the full moon, the otherwise sane and normal wizard or Muggle afflicted transforms into a murderous beast. Almost uniquely among fantastic creatures, the Werewolf actively seeks humans in preference to any other kind of prey…_ Murderous beast… Fantastic creatures… Well, which one do you believe Newt?

The passage on werewolves was short, too short and I didn't know where Newt stood at all. I guess it wouldn't hurt to send him a letter, but I was going to wait until Rensen was better. I shut the textbook with a slam.

"Remus," Irma yelled piercingly, "please be careful with the books."

"S-sorry."

"How did your talk with Dumbledore go?" she asked, coming over to me.

"It went okay," I said. "I didn't ask him about the werewolf wanting to play, but he did give me the name of someone I could talk to."

She sat down across from me. "I was thinking about what you said about the wolf wanting to play and I think a Patronus might work."

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a defensive spell that produces an animal guardian that protects the wizard who cast it from a myriad of things. The animal is always different, but I have a feeling yours would be a wolf or a werewolf, and if that's the case, it would be the perfect thing for you as it'd be a plaything that couldn't be destroyed."

I was still confused.

"Let me show you." Irma stood up. " _Expecto Patronum_ ," she said and I watched on amazed as a silvery vulture came out the end of her wand and flew around us. It was so cool and mine might be a werewolf?

"How do I do that?" I asked, already standing up.

"It's a very difficult spell to do," she told me, "most wizards go their whole life without producing their Patronus."

"How do I do it?" I asked, determined that I'd be able to do it.

"All you have to do is think of your happiest memory and say the words _Expecto Patronum_ , but it has to be a memory of pure happiness, Remus, strong beyond belief or it won't work."

A happy memory? I wasn't even sure I had one. Chocolate made me happy, but that was silly. Sirius made me happy, but I didn't have many memories that were pure happiness and nothing else. I decided to just think of Sirius and give it a go.

" _Expecto Patronum_ ," I called out strongly. The smallest wisp of silver came out of my wand and then it was gone. "I don't think I have a memory strong enough," I said, sitting back down defeated, "happiness isn't something I'm used to."

"So," Irma said, "you can always make new memories, Remus, you'll get there, just keep practicing and do what makes you happy."

She was right.

"But that doesn't help me for tonight," I said.

I really wanted to see if I could find something that would help the wolf curb some of his aggression into play.

In one of my old neighborhoods, the Muggles had dog toys to keep their pets engaged, but I doubted there were any werewolf toys. Would a dog toy work? Maybe Irma could enchant it like Sirius enchanted Rensen, make it so I wouldn't be able to destroy it. It had to be worth a try.

"Do you have any muggle money?" I asked.

She looked at me confused. "I think I have some in the library's lost and found, why?"

"Will you come with me to London?" I asked. "I want to go to a muggle shop and get a dog toy. Please, Irma, I need to know if this will work. It won't take long and I have time before the full moon. Please."

"I rarely leave my library" she told me, "and I never go into the Muggle part of London."

"Please, Irma, it won't take long. I'd go by myself, but I'm only twelve, I don't know what I'm doing, just come with me please."

"Fine," she gritted out, "but this better be quick."

I nodded my head, we'd be so quick.

"You can't take Rensen," she told me, "take him to Hagrid and I'll get the fire ready for us to Floo."

I wasted no time, running all the way to Hagrid's hut. I knocked on his door and he opened up.

"Remus," he smiled, "and Rensen."

"H-Hagrid, can you look after Rensen for a little while, I've got something I need to do and then I'll come back and grab him."

"Of course," Hagrid said.

I pulled the pouch from around my neck and handed it to Hagrid.

"Can I feed him?" Hagrid asked.

"Yes, whatever you want," I said. "I need to go, but I'll come back and get him before dusk."

I quickly ran off, not wanting to keep Irma waiting.

We took the Floo Network to Diagon Alley and then we exited the Leaky Caldron into the streets of London.

"Where are we going?" Irma asked, staying close to my side.

A lot of people were looking at her oddly, she was wearing her long feathery black cloak and her tall witch's hat.

"I don't know," I said, "anywhere that sells dog toys."

"I have no idea what that means," she said.

I sighed and headed down the street. I looked in all the shop windows trying to see what they sold. I found a store that seemed to have a lot of different things and walked inside.

I found someone who worked there and asked if they sold dog toys, they did and we were led to the section.

"Hurry up and choose one," Irma said.

"This is important," I told her, "I need to get something the wolf will like."

I looked up and down the dog toys, but none of them seemed right. I went around to the other side and realized there was no more dog toys, these were muggle toys. I sighed and headed back to the dog toy section.

Something caught my eye off to the side and I walked over to it, picking it up. It was a medium-sized fluffy black dog and it was so soft. I hugged it to my chest.

"I don't think that's a dog toy." Irma frowned.

"I want it," I said. I'd never wanted anything before, I grew up with no money, so I just accepted what I was given, but I wanted this dog. There was just something comforting about it.

"Fine," Irma said, "but you have to pick out a dog toy too, that's what we came for."

Right. I held the black dog under my arm and looked at the dog toys again, I didn't like any of them.

"May I make a suggestion," Irma said, "get a ball, you said the wolf liked chasing Rensen, so maybe it's something it likes doing."

I had no objections to that. I picked the cheapest ball knowing that Irma was already spending unnecessary money on my black dog.

When we went to pay, Irma just put all the Muggle money on the counter, she had more than I expected. The shop assistant took what money was needed and Irma put the rest in her pocket. I grabbed my items and we left.

Irma walked briskly back to the Leaky Caldron and I had to jog to keep up with her. We took the Floo Network back to her office and she sat down immediately.

"I'm not doing that again, Remus," she said.

"Thank you," I smiled at her, "can you help me enchant them so the wolf can't destroy them."

"Them?" she questioned. "Both of them? I thought you were just going to take the ball."

"No, I want this dog too, there's just something about him."

"Okay," she said, "bring them over here, I'm not getting up again."

I handed her the items.

"I'm going to get Rensen," I said.

"Wait," Irma said, "shouldn't you leave him with Hagrid tonight?"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because it's a full moon, you can't put him in danger again, Remus."

"But I have no choice," I said, "the wolf thinks he killed Rensen, or that he's injured. If I don't take Rensen with me then the wolf will take everything out on me, I don't want to be hurt. He won't harm Rensen, he cares for him, I know it."

"Fine," Irma said, "but I just hope you're willing to live with the consequences of Rensen's death if you're wrong. Remember, he's not just your owl."

Right, Sirius would be devastated if the wolf killed Rensen and he might not forgive me, but I didn't have a choice. I knew the wolf best, he wouldn't hurt Rensen, he'd be happy to see that Rensen was healing, that he didn't kill him. He needed to know that he was still innocent.

I decided to say no more and walked to Hagrid's hat.

When I got to there, Hagrid was sitting outside on the steps. Rensen was out of his sling, perched on Hagrid's knee.

"How's he doing?" I asked, standing in front of them.

"Good," Hagrid said, "he's still healing up, but I'm letting him stretch his wing under ma supervision."

I sat down next to them and looked at Rensen.

"Hi," I smiled at him, "you're getting stronger," I said, "not much longer and you'll be flying again. Your papa will be back soon too."

I missed Sirius so much, but I was trying not to think about him. Term was to start in a few days, so I knew I'd get to see him then.

"I thought you were his papa," Hagrid said.

"Y-yeah, I am, sorry, I just talk about myself like that sometimes."

Hagrid looked at me like I was weird, but I didn't care.

We sat there for a while, in the peacefulness of the Hogwarts grounds, as Rensen slowly started stretching his wing without the help of Hagrid. It was good to see that Rensen had full control over his wing, he'd be back to good health in no time at all.

I frowned when Hagrid put Rensen's sling back on, but I knew it was needed.

"Only two more weeks," Hagrid said, "no longer than that. Ya can come and see me in a week if ya want and I can check it again."

"I will," I stood up, putting Rensen back in his pouch, "thank you, Hagrid."

I put the strap around my neck and Rensen stared at me as we walked back towards the castle.

"Hey, Rensen," I said nervously, "do you… do you want to come with me tonight, with the… with the wolf, the one that hurt you?"

Rensen cocked his head to the side, his eyes wide.

Why was I talking to him again? And why did I think he'd want to go back into the shack with the beast that hurt him?

"Sorry," I said, "forget it."

Maybe Irma was right, maybe Rensen needed to stay far away from the wolf and me. It was the only way I could ensure his safety, but what about mine?


	31. Do Werewolves Play?

**Do Werewolves Play?**

"Hi, Remus." Poppy smiled at me.

I stepped into the tunnel under the Whomping Willow, gripping the cloak I was using to hide my stuff tighter. I hoped Poppy would just think it was a balled-up cloak and nothing more.

"Hi, Poppy," we started walking down the tunnel, "did you have a good break?" I asked.

"Very," she said, "it was good to get away. How's your summer been?"

"Lots of ups and downs," I told her, "but overall, it's been good. I'm excited for term to start though."

"Me too," she said.

We made it to the shack and Poppy said her goodbye.

I went straight into my routine. I set my balled-up cloak on the ground and carefully removed Rensen from around my neck. I pulled him out of his pouch, knowing that the wolf would want to see him. I was hesitant to bring him down here, but selfishly, I had to take that risk.

I looked around the room and decided to set Rensen on the window sill, it was just outside of the wards Dumbledore had put up, so I knew he'd be safe there.

"Now," I said, my eyes meeting Rensen's, "you're safe here, the wolf won't be able to get you. I'm trusting you, you're not allowed to move your wing, remember?" Rensen hooted. "You'll be okay, just let the wolf look at you, see that you're alright. Please be safe."

Rensen hooted again and I got back to my routine.

I got undressed and then un-balled my cloak. I'd brought so many items with me today. My new ball for the wolf to play with, Sirius' dragon hide jacket, and my new stuffed dog. Irma had asked me what I was going to call it, but I didn't think it needed a name. I left the jacket and the ball where they were, but held onto the dog.

I sat with my back against the stairs and looked at the dog. It had shaggy black hair and bluey gray eyes. I knew it was stupid, but it kind of reminded me of Sirius. Maybe that's why I got it, I was missing him something fierce. Not long now and we'd be reunited.

I looked out the window, Rensen was sitting there peacefully, and watched it get darker. I hoped the wolf would like his new toys. Irma had made the ball and dog indestructible, she wasn't sure if it would work against a werewolf's teeth and claws, but it was the best she could do. I wasn't worried, I knew both items were replaceable if need be.

My first bone broke and I sat my black dog beside me. I hoped tonight would turn out well.

* * *

 **Wolf's POV**

I stretched to my full height, my eyes darting around. There was new stuff, but I couldn't focus on that.

I caught sight of the little ball of feathers sitting on the window. I went over to it carefully. It's wing was wrapped up, but it was alive.

I got as close as I could, but it wasn't close enough. I sniffed at the barrier that was keeping me from it and I was thankful I could smell the little thing.

I felt a sense of peace as our eyes locked. I hadn't killed it, it was still alive, and it didn't seem to be afraid of me. If only I could play with it.

I abandoned the ball of feathers and went over to the jacket. The sweet scent was starting to fade, but it was still there.

I looked at the round object near it. It was curious, I'd never seen it before.

I touched it with my paw and it rolled. I cocked my head to the side, touching it again, it rolled again.

I left it for a moment and went over to the other object. It was black and it kind of looked like me, like a wolf.

I didn't get too close, I was wary of it.

I went back over to the round object and sniffed it, it didn't smell like anything. I put it in my mouth and tried to bite it, but I couldn't.

I threw it in frustration and watched as it went into the air and then bounced. My eyes lit up as I watched it move haphazardly around the room.

I wanted to chase it, so I did. Around and around, up and down. I hit it, I threw it in the air, I chased it.

I could never remember having this much fun before.

I was reminded of last time, chasing the ball of feathers, but this was more fun. I liked playing with this round thing.

I got tired quickly and it disappointed me. I picked up the round object in my mouth and brought it over to the black thing that looked like me.

I laid down with my paw on top of my new toy to stop it from rolling away and looked into the gray eyes of the other thing. The eyes looked familiar. What was it?

I reached out with my other paw and touched it, it was soft, I liked soft things.

I sniffed it, it smelled like nothing.

I tried to bite it, but just like the round thing, the ball, nothing happened. What was this thing?

I wish I knew what it was called. I didn't think it was a wolf, maybe a dog. Did it have a name?

I wanted it to have a name. Was it mine or the boy's? Would I get to see it again? The ball of feathers was back, so maybe.

I stared into its gray eyes, I'd never named something before. I didn't know many names. The boy, he was Remus, I knew that. The ball of feathers, that was Rensen. Did I have a name other than wolf?

I liked looking at the moon, but that didn't seem right for a name. Moony? I liked that name. Could I be called Moony? I didn't want to be known as wolf anymore.

I was too tired for this.

I grabbed the jacket that smelled good and pulled it over me.

I used the black dog as a pillow, put the ball under my paw so it couldn't roll away, and I fell asleep.

* * *

"Moony." I groaned, sitting up.

My senses came back to me and I saw I was surrounded by my things; Sirius' jacket, the ball, the black dog. I checked myself over next, I was stiff and sore, but uninjured. I tried to remember what happened last night, but there was a tired fog surrounding my mind.

Rensen. I looked towards the window and he was still perched on the sill, sleeping peacefully. I stood up with a groan and grabbed the pouch, carefully putting Rensen back in there. I couldn't remember much, but I didn't think the wolf even tried to get to him.

I sat Rensen against the black dog and got dressed slowly. I wished I could remember what the wolf did, but maybe it was still coming back to me.

Once dressed, I gathered up all my things. The ball and dog were still as good as new and that made me smile.

…Moony? Why was that word in my head? It wasn't even a word, was it? Moony… Why did I like the sound of that? What did it mean? I wondered if the wolf would let me remember its importance or not.


	32. Reunited

**Reunited**

"You are so in love," Irma said as she got her fire ready for me, "leaving Hogwarts just so you can take the train back here with Sirius… It's cute."

I glared at her, I wasn't in love.

"I'm going for my friends," I said, "not just Sirius."

"But he'll be there?" she asked.

"Probably." I shrugged.

I was going for Sirius, but it wasn't because I was in love with him, I just missed him and I was worried about him.

"Mmm-hmm," Irma said, clearly not believing me at all. She was constantly trying to push me and Sirius together and I hoped that would stop when term started. I could not have the librarian that everyone loathed meddling in my personal life.

"I haven't seen my friends all summer," I said, "and riding the train to school is a rite of passage."

"I just think it's unnecessary," Irma handed me the floo powder, "but it's your life… your love life."

Seriously? I glared at her again, but she only smiled. I needed to get away from this. I threw the powder into the fire and said, "Platform Nine and Three Quarters."

I left Irma's knowing smirk and came out on the Platform. I made sure to arrive half an hour early, so it wasn't packed. I wanted to get a good compartment.

"Remus, mate," James called out, making his way over to me.

"Hi, James." I smiled brightly. I had missed him over the summer.

"You look good," James said, "no more bear attacks?"

"No," I laughed, "I think I learned that lesson."

"Hi," Peter said meekly as he came over and stood next to James.

Peter was clearly still scared of me, maybe I'd work on fixing that this year.

"Hi, Pete," James said.

"Peter." I nodded.

"How was your break?" James asked Peter as we got onto the train.

"It was okay, how was yours?" Peter asked, completely ignoring me.

"Good," James said, "I sent Lily so many owls. I didn't get a reply, but I think I made my feelings known."

I laughed, James had absolutely no idea when it came to Lily.

"What?" James asked me.

"Nothing," I said. If James wanted to annoy Lily into falling in love with him then I'd happily watch him fail.

"Remus," he said, rounding on me. "Tell me what's so funny."

Maybe I'd throw him a bone. "Lily's not the type of girl who will respond to that kind of behavior, all you're doing is annoying her."

"And what do you know about love?" he asked.

Why did everyone keep bringing up that word?

"Nothing," I said, "but I know Lily, we're study buddies. …You should join us sometime. Lily likes smart guys, like Sev."

"Sev?" James said disgusted. "You mean Snape? I told you never to mention him to me. I hate that guy."

"You just hate that Lily likes him more than you," I said. I loved riling James up. He looked so angry, but he was a skinny little thing with his glasses slightly skewed. Too bad he wasn't a nerd because he sure did look like one.

"Ooh," Peter said, rubbing his hands together gleefully, "now Remus doesn't like you either, just like me."

"What's wrong with you?" James asked me as we entered an empty compartment towards the back of the train. "You're never this… sassy and you haven't stuttered once."

I hadn't? That was a first, I wondered what had changed, but maybe it was just because I was back with my friends.

"I don't know," I smiled, happy with this development, "my break was good for the most part; I have a new owl, I made a new friend, and I'm excited to be seeing my old friends again."

"You have an owl?" Peter asked.

Oh, right. What was I supposed to tell James and Peter about that? The truth? Did I just say that it was Sirius' and not mine? Friends co-owning an owl was not normal, I'd learned that from Irma.

"Yeah," I sat down on the seat and carefully pulled Rensen out, so they could see him, "his name is Rensen and he's a barn owl."

"Can I hold him?" Peter asked.

I felt a territorial surge overtake me and I held Rensen against my chest. "Umm, no, he's injured, so I have to be careful with him."

"You bought an injured owl?" James asked.

"No, he…" I couldn't tell them the truth, I had to lie, "he flew into a window, I'd just cleaned the glass, it looked open. He broke his wing, but he's almost healed."

I had a feeling my lie was terrible, but James and Peter didn't seem to care.

"My parents won't get me an owl until my grades pick up," James sighed, sitting down. "At least I was allowed to bring my broom this year. I can't wait for Quidditch tryouts."

"Hello everyone," Sirius said, coming into the compartment.

I was nervous to look at him, but I decided to get it over and done with. Sirius still had his long hair and he was smiling. I frowned. I was so sure he'd be upset after spending three months with his mother.

Sirius put his trunk away and sat in his spot against the window on the same side as me. I didn't know what I could say to him when we had company.

I noticed that Sirius was looking at Rensen and I remembered that he hadn't seen him in over a month.

"Here," I said, handing Rensen to Sirius.

"How is he?" Sirius asked and I had a feeling he was asking about Rensen and me.

"He's fine," I said. I needed to find out about Sirius too, but how? …"How's your uncle?" I asked.

Sirius' eyes met mine. "He's good," he said, "I had a good time helping him this past month."

This past month? My letter had worked? Sirius had been saved? He didn't have to spend the past month at home with his mother?

I smiled.

"That sounds so boring," James said, "who would want to spend a whole month with some weird uncle?"

"Now that you mention it," Sirius said, "it wasn't the best time. Rather dull actually."

I knew he was lying, but it didn't matter, he was just playing the part.

"Why'd you ask about Remus' owl?" Peter asked. "Did he already tell you that he had one? Did he send you letters over the summer? He didn't send me any."

"Me either," James said.

Sirius' eyes met mine and I shrugged. He could tell them whatever he wanted, I didn't care.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius told Peter, "but Rensen's my owl."

"No," I said, "he's mine."

"I'm confused," Peter frowned, "you can't both own him."

"Why not?" I asked.

"You both own this owl?" James asked. "Why?"

"It was our birthday gift to one another," Sirius lied effortlessly, "it made more sense to buy one and share it rather than purchase two owls."

That made sense, Sirius was too good at lying.

"Umm, excuse me," someone knocked on our door, "but can I join you?"

I looked at the newcomer. He had short black hair and gray eyes. This had to be Sirius' brother Regulus, they looked very similar.

"Yes," I said, before anyone else could say no, "you can sit next to me."

James glared at me, but I ignored him. Sirius' brother looked scared and I remembered how I'd felt the exact same way on my first train ride. If I hadn't stumbled upon James and Sirius then I would've been all alone just like Regulus was.

"Hi, Sirius," Regulus said.

"Reggie." Sirius nodded, not taking his eyes off Rensen who was asleep in his hands.

"I see you got your owl back," Regulus said.

I was surprised Sirius had told his brother about Rensen. I wondered if Regulus knew Rensen was mine as well.

"I'm Remus Lupin," I said, reaching out to shake Regulus' hand, "it's good to finally meet you."

Regulus looked at my hand in disgust and didn't make a move to shake it. I dropped my hand with a frown, but then I remembered that Regulus had the same upbringing as Sirius and I brushed off his avoidance.

"Who's this?" James asked.

"I'm Regulus Black," he said, "Sirius' brother."

"You didn't tell us you had a brother," James said.

"Yeah," Peter agreed.

Regulus looked hurt.

"He told me," I said, hoping to make Regulus feel better. "So, Regulus, are you excited to start Hogwarts?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said, "I guess."

"Will you be in Slytherin like the rest of your family?" Peter asked. "Well, aside from Sirius."

"I don't know," Regulus shifted nervously, "I hope so."

Nothing monumental happened for the rest of the train journey. Regulus seemed too nervous to talk, Sirius' focus was solely on Rensen, and James and Peter were doing whatever they did. I just sat there, looking at all of them in turn. I was glad to be going back to school with my friends.

When we arrived, Regulus left us to join the other first years and I dropped back, hoping to talk to Sirius. He shook his head no, handing Rensen back to me. I put Rensen in his pouch and we rode to the castle in silence. I didn't like how tight-lipped Sirius was being. Something had to be wrong, …but he'd spent the past month with his uncle, he was happy when he got on the train... but he was a good liar. Later, I'd find out later.

We sat at the Gryffindor table and things only got worse for Sirius. He was so tense, clenching his hands on top of his thighs, watching Regulus intently. The sorting began and Sirius' leg started bouncing up and down. Regulus' name was called and Sirius went calm, I suspected he was holding his breath, and then, the hat made its decision.

"Slytherin."

Sirius relaxed, turning to face me with the biggest smile on his face. What was going on? I didn't think Sirius cared this much about what house his brother would be in.

I leaned closer to Sirius so I could speak only to him. "What is it?" I asked.

"I just dodged death," Sirius said and I looked at him confused. "My mother," he whispered, "she said if Regulus ended up in any house other than Slytherin that she was going to kill me."

What? …She had said that to him? How dare she?

"It's okay, Remy," he said, "it's all going to be okay now."

Sirius may believe that to be true, but I didn't. She said she was going to kill him, what mother does that, and all over something that Sirius had no control over. Everything wouldn't be okay, not while she was still breathing and Sirius was still living under her roof.


	33. - SECOND YEAR -

**Second Year**

It had been three days. Classes had begun, we were settling back into life at Hogwarts, and Sirius still hadn't spoken to me. We were always surrounded by other people and no matter how hard I tried Sirius wouldn't say anything. Even though it was frustrating, I decided to just wait for him to be ready.

"You see that," Hagrid said, showing me Rensen's wing, "it's all healed up. He's right ta go now, but now he might have a bit of that separation anxiety, but with time, he'll get over that."

"So, what do I do now?" I asked, pulling off the pouch I'd used to carry Rensen for the past month.

"The sling will stay off," Hagrid said, "he's right to move around on his own, however he wants. Jus' follow his lead, he'll know his limits."

"O-okay," I said, "thanks for all your help, Hagrid, here's your pouch back."

"You keep it," Hagrid smiled, "I've got plenty and I suspect ya might need it. Rensen seems ta love ya lots. He's a sweet owl."

"He is," I said, watching Rensen peck the ground for worms.

"I'd like ta see him again, and you," Hagrid went red, "I don' get many visitors. I know I shouldn't complain not after what Dumbledore did for me. No one wanted me ta stay here, but Dumbledore's a good man, he looked after me."

"I don't understand," I said. "Why wouldn't you get to be here?"

"Well, umm," Hagrid stuttered, "I sorta got kicked outta school in ma third year, a lot of people thought I did something, let something loose in the castle. It wasn't my animal that killed that girl, no one cared though. Dumbledore fought for me, but it wasn' enough. They snapped ma wand and everythin'. Dumbledore never doubted me, I had nowhere to go, no family left, and he convinced Headmaster Dippet to let me stay here and work, takin' care of the grounds and the animals in the forest. Some people don' like Dumbledore, but there's no kinder man than him. You should know that better than most."

I nodded my head, I did. It was difficult, but I was slowly realizing how much of a risk Dumbledore had taken with letting me attend Hogwarts, and seeing that he'd done the same thing for Hagrid reassured me that his intentions were good, but I still wasn't going to trust him when it came to Sirius. I wasn't foolish.

"What's it feel like?" Hagrid asked.

"What?" I asked confused.

Hagrid leaned closer, whispering to me, "turnin' into a werewolf."

So, he did know.

No one had ever asked me that question before and I didn't know how to answer it.

"I'm sorry," Hagrid said, "Dumbledore warned me, he said that I shouldn't be bothering ya about anythin' to go with your condition. Forget I even asked. Best ta be on your way now."

Hagrid got up and scurried into his hut away from me.

I wondered why Dumbledore had warned Hagrid not to bother me. Had that been why Hagrid watched me from his hut sometimes? I didn't know.

"Are you going to fly?" I asked Rensen, standing up.

Rensen looked at the pouch, but he didn't need it no more.

"You're all healed," I said, "it's okay to fly."

Rensen stretched out his wings and looked at his once broken wing, examining it, moving it gently.

"It's healed," I told him, "Hagrid said so."

Rensen hooted and flapped his wings, but didn't leave the ground.

"Come on," I said impatiently, "we can go find Sirius."

This seemed to work. Rensen left the ground and I smiled. He only flew to my shoulder and tried to bury himself in my hair, but it was enough for now.

"Okay," I laughed, "but you've gotta start flying soon, I need to you to deliver a letter."

Rensen whistled and I walked back to the castle with him happily perched on my shoulder.

I went straight for Gryffindor Tower, hoping Sirius would be there. I wanted to tell him the good news about Rensen.

When I entered, I noticed that all of my friends were sitting by the fire with their heads together. This couldn't be good, they were clearly planning something.

Peter's eyes met mine and they widened in fear as he tried to hide what they were doing.

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked, stopping Peter from moving the pieces of parchment.

"Remus is here," he hissed.

"So?" Sirius said and Peter backed off.

"What are you doing?" I asked, sitting on the arm of Sirius' chair. I looked at the parchment, but I couldn't figure it out.

"You'll see," James said. "How's Rensen doing? I see he's out of his pouch."

"Yes, Hagrid said he's all healed up," I told them, "Rensen's just got a bit of separation anxiety it seems, but I don't mind."

"Can I hold him?" Sirius asked. I knew he still missed Rensen after their month apart.

I carefully grabbed Rensen and set him on Sirius' shoulder. Rensen wasted no time in burying himself underneath Sirius' hair, maybe I should grow mine a bit longer.

No one seemed to do anything or say anything.

"Do you want me to leave?" I asked.

"No," James said, "we can finish this later."

"And why can't I be a part of this?" I asked. Yes, I was against most of their pranks, but I wouldn't stop them. "It doesn't involve me, does it?"

No one answered.

"Sirius?" I asked. My green eyes meeting his gray ones.

"They're worried you're going to stop them," Sirius said, "I told them they were being crazy, but they're not listening to me."

Would things always be this way? I knew they thought that I was a teacher's pet, a goody two shoes, but I honestly didn't care what they did as long as it wasn't dangerous and it didn't get me into trouble.

"I'll just leave," I said, standing up, "that way you can keep working."

"Remus," Sirius said, but I didn't bother staying, it wasn't worth it.

Part of me wanted to go to the library to see Irma, but it was too close to curfew. I had decided to just head up to bed when Lily stopped me.

"Remus, can you come over here for a second?" she asked.

Lily was sitting with her friend Mary Macdonald.

"I'm just going to head up to bed," I said.

"Remus, it won't take long," Lily pleaded, "I just need to ask you about this Transfiguration question."

I couldn't deny her. I looked over at James as I made my way over to Lily and he was watching me intently.

"Hi, Remus," Mary said, smiling slightly.

"Hi, Lily, Mary," I said, sitting down, "how was your break?" I asked politely.

"Good," they both answered at the same time, giggling.

Girls, I sighed. Boys were so much easier to understand.

"Why is James glaring at you?" Lily asked me before getting distracted. "Did I tell you want he did, Mary? He must've sent me at least one letter a week over the summer."

"That's because he likes you," Halley said, coming over and sitting down across from me, "I, on the other hand, think Sirius is perfect. Remus?" she asked.

"Y-yes?"

"Is Sirius seeing anyone?" Halley asked me.

"Umm, I'm not sure," I told her.

"You two would be perfect for each other," Mary said, "your names are perfect, a comet and a star, it's so perfect."

"Can we backtrack?" Lily asked. "James does not like me."

"Yes, he does," Mary said. "He basically shouts it from the rooftop every single day."

"Well, I don't like him," Lily said, "he's a jerk."

We all nodded in agreement, me included.

The girls laughed.

"You just called your friend a jerk," Mary said.

"So?" I shrugged. "It's not a secret, I'm pretty sure even he knows it."

"Look at him," Halley sighed, "he always looks like he's brooding and his hair's always falling into his gray eyes… Wow. …Remus, you've gotta put in a good word for me."

"I… I… I don't know about that," I said. Would Sirius like Halley? Would they date each other? I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

"Hey, Sirius," Mary called out. We all turned and Sirius lifted his head, looking at us. "Halley says hi," she said.

Sirius frowned, his eyes met mine for a second and then he turned back to what he was doing.

"He's so hard to read," Halley said, "but I like that about him. He's so mysterious. Have you seen that jacket he wears, he looks so hot in it. I heard it's dragon hide, I wonder what type."

"Umm, I'm going to go." I stood up from the table. "Lily, you can ask me that Transfiguration question tomorrow."

I ran towards the staircase. Rensen left Sirius and landed on my shoulder.

"What was that?" I asked Rensen once we were in my dorm room. I sat on my bed and held him in my hands. "I don't understand girls at all, but what Halley was saying about Sirius' hair and his eyes… well, I… I've thought about that before."

Would Sirius date Halley? I tried to imagine them together, they'd make a beautiful couple. Halley had dirty blonde hair and brown eyes, she was smart too. I wasn't sure if Sirius would like her, but she'd be good for him. She was someone normal with no problems, no scars. Sirius deserved someone who was good and pure, someone who wouldn't doom him. Someone other than me.


	34. Summer Break Talk

**Summer Break Talk**

I spent the rest of the night in my dorm room with Rensen, avoiding Lily and her friends, avoiding James, Sirius, Peter and their plans that didn't include me. At least I had Rensen. I'd been leaving him on one side of the room and then making him fly to me on the other side. I could tell he hated it, but he needed to learn that it was okay to fly again.

We were now on my bed having a rest and Rensen was making me feed him a cracker.

"You know," I said, "you can feed yourself now. I'm not going to be digging up any worms or catching any bugs for you anymore. Tomorrow while I'm in class I expect you to go outside and find your meal."

Rensen pecked my finger hard.

"Ow." I sucked on my finger. "If you're that worried, go to Hagrid, I'm sure he'll help you."

Rensen settled back down.

"Can you understand me?" I asked.

Rensen looked at me, but didn't respond. I needed to try something else.

"Can you hoot for me?" I asked.

Rensen cocked his head to the side, but still said nothing.

"Are you an Animagus?" I asked in a whisper. I'd read about them, they were people who could transform into an animal.

I didn't really think Rensen was one because he was so young and he hadn't left my side all month, but I still felt as though he could understand me. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. I'd always wanted friends, people who understood me, and Rensen was both of those things.

I decided to give up. I set Rensen on Sirius' bed and grabbed my potion textbook, wanting to study for our next class.

Rensen burrowed under Sirius' blankets and I watched him for a moment. I wished I could get away with that, burying myself in Sirius' scent whenever I wanted. Why was that? I cared for Sirius, I knew that, I liked him, but as what? Irma thought I was in love, friends could love each other, right? I knew the wolf had desires for other boys, but I liked girls, didn't I? I thought they were annoying and confusing, but I was only twelve and that had to be expected, right?

Rensen stuck his head out of Sirius' covers and whistled at me.

"What?" I asked, sighing. Could I like Sirius like Halley did? Was that allowed? But what about Sirius? I'd never heard him talk about anyone that way, but he probably liked girls not boys. Didn't that mean I shouldn't think of him that way, I should just forget these silly thoughts. Maybe I could find a nice girl and just forget about boys all together, maybe someone from Ravenclaw, someone who wouldn't care that I was smart or nice.

Rensen whistled at me. He was now lying on his back with only his head sticking out of the covers. He was staring at me upside down.

"What are you doing?" I asked. He was such a weird owl.

Our eyes met and then he disappeared underneath the covers again. I shook my head and opened my book, trying to take the words in, but my thoughts were still consumed by Sirius. I'd never had a friend before, but I knew that what I had with James was different to what I had with Sirius, how I felt about him. I didn't think about James' eyes or hair, I didn't care where he was at all hours, if he was safe or not. Were these the actions and thoughts of someone in love?

"This is pointless," I groaned, slamming my book shut.

"Finally," Sirius said, coming into the room with James and Peter, "I knew you'd realize how pointless studying was eventually."

"It's not that," I said, packing up my books. "Rensen's in your bed, be careful," I warned him.

Sirius knelt down beside his bed and lifted the covers so he could stick his head underneath. I found I couldn't look away. I watched as Sirius stayed under the covers with Rensen for at least five minutes. I didn't know what he was doing. Even James and Peter looked at him oddly as they got ready for bed.

"What's he doing?" James asked, sitting on the end of his bed in his pajamas.

"I have no idea," I said.

Sirius' hand disappeared next, then his other one, and then his whole body went under the covers. I couldn't help but laugh. Sirius clearly liked Rensen and that made me happy.

Sirius didn't reappear and I assumed he'd fallen asleep with Rensen. I laid down too, but sleep didn't find me. I could hear Peter's soft snores and James' usual grunting. Sirius still hadn't moved. I wanted to check on him, I wanted to join him, but surely that was crossing that friend line. Did it even matter?

I got out of bed and tiptoed over to him. I still wasn't sure what to do. I moved towards the head end, I really wanted to see if he was asleep with Rensen. I hadn't seen much of them together, Rensen had stuck mainly to my side out of habit, but now he was free to move around he was choosing Sirius' company more often.

A peek couldn't hurt. I lit up the end of my wand and carefully pulled the covers up, shining the light underneath. Sirius was lying there with his hand on Rensen, only problem, he wasn't asleep, he was just lying there, staring at Rensen. The light didn't even bother him nor did he look at me.

I made a split-second decision. I climbed onto the bed and pulled the covers over me. Sirius looked at me, but his eyes held no light. He grabbed his wand and said a silencing charm. Was this it? Was he finally going to confide in me?

"You go first," is all Sirius said.

Me? Okay. Where did I start?

"Umm, I missed you." Okay, so that was lame. "Being in the shack was good, having your jacket was good. Umm, on my second transformation, I was late, I didn't realize Rensen was asleep in your jacket and I just took it with me. The wolf found him, he chased him, tried to play with him, but then he got territorial over your jacket and tried to kill Rensen, he stopped himself again. I don't know why.

"…Your charm saved him, Sirius. The wolf didn't even pierce his skin, he only broke his wing, but Hagrid helped me fix him up and care for him. ...I made a new friend, umm, Madam Pince, Irma. She made my time here less lonely, the castle is so empty during the summer. ...Dumbledore gave me the name of a guy who might be able to help me with my werewolf problems and questions.

"I'm doing well with that though. After I saw that the wolf liked playing with Rensen, I decided to try and get some dog toys to see if that would help him. He liked playing with the ball I got and he seemed to like the stuffed dog I got. Irma enchanted them both so he couldn't destroy them. I think that's it. …Oh, and I finally have your nickname."

"Don't tell me the nickname," Sirius said, "I'm… I'm not in the right frame of mind to hear it right now."

I nodded my head even though I was excited to tell him about Russ and see whether he liked it or not.

"Your turn," I said and Sirius tensed up.

"I missed you every second," he started simply, yet sweetly. "Things were... strained. I was right, my mother hadn't finished punishing me for becoming a Gryffindor. She… Remy, I don't know if I can go into details."

"Please, Sirius," I said, taking his hand off Rensen and holding it in mine, "I want you to be honest. Irma helped me understand what families like yours do for punishment, so I know a little, but I'd rather just know the truth."

"She kept me in the dungeon," Sirius whispered, looking at Rensen, "days at a time, sometimes for a week or longer, I don't remember. The first month, she was easy on me, I got to escape to my room, write to you when I could. Then, on the first full moon… I had to trick her in order to come and meet you, that's why I couldn't stay long.

"That first full moon of the summer was terrible. I was in the dungeon due to tricking her, I tried to let my mind escape from what she was doing to me, but I could see the moon out the window and I was so worried for you. She kept me down there for almost the whole month, I don't know, but when she finally let me leave, I found Rensen under my bed covers. I only got to spend the following day with him and then I needed to send him back to you."

So, Sirius hadn't spent the whole month with Rensen like I assumed. He'd been locked up in the dungeon that month. Had Rensen spent all that time alone in Sirius' room? Why wouldn't he just fly back to me? I knew I told him to keep Sirius safe, but…

"I was worried again, but I got your owl. I wanted to check on you and Rensen, but I knew I couldn't risk it. I didn't want to do anything that would put me back in the dungeon. I was trying to play the part and that's when everything changed. Uncle Alphard paid us a visit. I was told to stay in my room, so I did. Alphard told my mother that he needed my help, she wouldn't let me go, but he paid her as much as it took.

"When I was out of there, I was so happy. I knew Alphard wouldn't put me in his dungeon or hurt me. I couldn't understand why he'd come for me. He didn't like to visit us. He showed me the letter, asked me if I knew who it came from. I recognized your handwriting immediately, but I lied and told him I didn't know who it was. I felt safer with Alphard and it was good not to live in constant fear, but I still missed you and Rensen. I wanted to run away so many times and come find you, but I couldn't. I had to play the part.

"Thank you for sending that letter, Remy," Sirius said, squeezing my hand, "it saved me. I didn't know how much more I could take. I was so tempted to fight back, but I kept thinking of you and Rensen. I knew she'd kill me if I did anything, she'd make it look like an accident. ...I'm so glad Regulus is in Slytherin. ...I never used to care if I died, you know, but now… I've got too much to lose. ...I'm sure I can convince her to let me stay here during the breaks, but I don't know what I'm going to do next summer."

I shifted closer to Sirius.

"What did she do to you?" I asked.

Sirius shook his head no. "I'm sorry, Remy, but I can't." He sounded so pained.

I wrapped my arms around him.

"The minute I turn seventeen," he said, "I'm out of there. I've only got four years, two months and six days." Sirius chuckled darkly. "It's too fucking long, Remy, what am I going to do?" His voice broke and he started crying. "I can't handle much more of this," he said. "She's attacking my mind, I don't like what she does. You… You're the only person who believes in me, who thinks I'm smart, who cares about me. …I just want to spend all my time with you and Rensen, but it's not possible."

My heart was breaking for him, but also soaring because being with him and Rensen was all I wanted as well.

"Nine months," I said, "we have nine months together. I know those summer months can be long, but we've got nine months to figure something out. Please try not to worry about going home. I'm here, Rensen's here, we're not going anywhere and we love you."

"You-you love me?" Sirius asked.

"I do." It was true.

Sirius started crying harder. "No one's ever said that to me before," he admitted.

Oh no, my beautiful broken boy.

I left the bed and grabbed my stuffed dog off my bed. I was back before Sirius could even process my absence. I pushed my black dog into his arms and Sirius clutched it tightly.

Rensen moved and snuggled up between Sirius' hair and the dog's. I wanted to join them more than anything, but I kept my distance, just watching them.

"What can I do for you?" I asked, feeling helpless again. I hated Sirius' mother more than anything for putting him through all this.

"N-nothing," Sirius said. His voice was still choked up, but he was no longer crying. "I just want to go to sleep."

"Okay," I said, making my move to leave. I was hoping Sirius would stop me, but he didn't. I looked back at him one last time. His eyes were closed and he had Rensen and my dog with him. He was safe, he was okay, I just wished he'd asked me to stay.

I went back to bed, my head heavy with thoughts of what Sirius had gone through and how me being a werewolf paled in comparison to what his mother was doing to him. Being a werewolf was only one day a month, Sirius had been with his mother his whole life, but not right now, not for the next nine months.

I knew moving forward from the events of the summer wouldn't be easy. Sirius was clearly still suffering from what his mother had put him through, he put on a good face in front of everyone else, but inside he was struggling and I hoped more than anything that I'd be able to help him heal.

I wanted to comfort him right now, but I couldn't, not unless he wanted it too, and he hadn't asked me to stay. I reminded myself that he wasn't alone, he had Rensen and my dog, but I was alone. It was forever the curse of the werewolf; complete and utter loneliness.


	35. Writing to Mr Scamander

**Writing to Mr. Scamander**

"Are you sure he's ready for this?" Sirius asked, holding Rensen protectively against his chest.

"He's all healed," I said, trying to work out my letter to Newton Scamander. I didn't know how much to say or what. Could I trust him? Was he even the person I needed to talk to?

"It's just," Sirius said, "he doesn't like to be away from us and we don't know where this guy lives. Rensen has only delivered letters to us."

"You're babying him," I said, "Rensen's ready for this, aren't you, bud."

"Bud?" Sirius scoffed. "And I'm not babying him."

"Sirius, it's okay if you're not ready to let him go," I said, "but it's his job to deliver mail for us and this is important to me."

"I don't see why you need to talk to this guy," Sirius said, "we shouldn't be confiding in anyone. Whatever happens, we'll just deal with it."

I turned to face him. "But wouldn't it be good," I said, "you know, having someone to ask things. I mean, do werewolves mate? If they do, is it with other werewolves? Or animals? Humans? …Surely, it can't be with humans. And what does that mean for me, can I mate…" I trailed off, I shouldn't be talking about this to Sirius.

"You're worried about mating?" Sirius asked. "Why? …Have you started becoming a man?"

"What? No. …I don't know." I dropped my head. "H-how would I know if that's started?"

"Hair in places where there wasn't hair before," Sirius said, "your voice getting lower, growing taller, growing bigger down there."

I felt my face go red and I turned back to my letter. I definitely didn't want to talk about this with Sirius.

"I've started," Sirius said nonchalantly. "It's no big deal, well, it's big..."

How was Sirius so calm about this?

"Umm, Sirius," I said, "I'm not sure I want to discuss this with you."

"But you'll ask this Salamander guy?"

"It's Scamander and I'm not going to ask him anything."

I quickly wrote my letter down, but I stopped when I was about to sign my name. Dumbledore had warned me not to reveal who I was. I decided to use my middle name, John, as it was generic, but now I needed a surname.

"Sirius, what's your middle name?" I asked.

"Orion, why?"

John O'Brian, perfect, it was completely nondescript and untraceable.

Sirius looked over my shoulder. "Orion," he said, "like the star, not O'Brian."

Oh well, it worked out better this way. I should've known it was Orion after the constellation. Just as my family liked to use wolf names, Sirius' clearly liked star names. A wolf and a star… It wasn't as good as a comet and a star though, I frowned.

"That's all you're going to say?" Sirius asked after he had read the letter. "That's probably smart."

I read through the letter one last time before rolling it up.

* * *

 _-Dear Mr. Newton Scamander_

 _I am a werewolf and have been for eight years. Mr. Albus Dumbledore passed on your name in hope that you would be able to answer any questions I may have about lycanthropy._

 _I've recently started working on controlling my wolf, but it would be easier if I had more details to go on._

 _If you can't help me, maybe you know someone who can._

 _Thank you for your time._

 _-Mr. John O'Brian_

* * *

"Come on, Rensen." I coaxed him from Sirius and tied the letter to his leg. "Don't listen to Sirius, you're ready for this, I know it."

Rensen whistled and I walked over to the window.

"Wait," Sirius jumped up, "I want to say goodbye."

I smiled as I watched Sirius rub his cheek against Rensen's side. "Bye, bud," he said and I laughed.

Sirius had scoffed at me calling Rensen bud and now he was doing it too.

"Bye, bud," I said, "we'll see you soon."

Rensen hooted and flew off.

"I still think it's too soon," Sirius said.

I wrapped my arm around Sirius' waist. "He'll be fine," I said, "how about we do something to take your mind off it?"

This cheered Sirius up. "Really?" he asked, "because there is something I need to do."

He left me and pulled out a folded-up piece of parchment from under his mattress and unfolded it. I walked over to look at it, it was completely blank except for some weird outline.

"What is it?" I asked. "Does it have something to do with whatever you, James and Peter are planning?"

"No," Sirius said, "but it will help us, if I can pull it off. I got the idea from my mother."

"I still don't know what it is," I said.

"It's a map," Sirius beamed, "well, it will be. You see this line, that's the exterior castle walls."

"You're mapping Hogwarts?" I asked surprised.

"Yeah, remember our first day here," Sirius said, "I told you that I wanted to walk every square inch of the castle, well, now I have a reason to."

"That was over a year ago," I said, "how do you remember these things?"

"I remember everything." Sirius shrugged.

Irma had mentioned that Sirius' tattoo had really cursed him to never forget.

"Is that… How does that feel?" I asked. "You know, never forgetting?"

"I used to hate it," Sirius said, "but now I can see the benefits. Back to the map. I've linked this piece of parchment to my wand so that whenever I run my wand against a wall, its maps it. Let me show you."

Sirius walked over to the window, said a spell and then walked around the room, all over the beds, trailing his wand against the wall.

I looked at the map when he was done and I saw our dorm room marked, it even created a space for the doors, it was pretty ingenious.

"What are you going to use this for?" I asked.

"To track everyone," Sirius said, "that way we'll never get caught when we're doing our pranks."

"And how did you come up with this?" I asked. "You said something about your mother."

"Yeah," Sirius said, "she's always looking at this old piece of parchment, but I never knew what it was nor did I care to, but I caught a glimpse of it this summer and I noticed it was a map of 12 Grimmauld Place, our house, it even had these dots with our initials on it. She knew where we were at all times.

"When I saw it, I knew it would be prefect for Hogwarts, so I'm trying to recreate it. I'm sure there's an easier way to map Hogwarts than walking every square inch, but I'm just figuring it out on my own. Once I have all the walls up, or most of them, then I can work out how to enchant it to show everyone. I don't know, it's probably stupid, but it's keeping me occupied."

"This is far from stupid," I said, "this is the most amazing thing I've ever seen."

"Yeah, but I didn't create it," Sirius said, "I'm just copying it."

"Sirius, that doesn't matter. Look at how much you've already done," I said. "I know you don't think you're smart, but this is genius. You believe you can recreate this map of your mother's that you only got a glance at and that's amazing. You're amazing, Russ."

"Russ?" Sirius asked confused.

"Yeah," I smiled, "that's your nickname."

"I don't get it," he said.

"It's simple," I told him, "Russ is someone who is one thing on the outside, but something completely different on the inside."

Sirius still looked confused.

"You know," I said, "you're rough on the outside, swearing all the time, sometimes mean, but on the inside you're the opposite. It even covers thoughts, like how you don't think your smart, but you really are."

"I still don't know if I understand it," Sirius said.

"That's on me," I said, "I'm not good at explaining things. ...Do you like the name at least?"

"Russ?" he said, trying it out. "...I don't know, I guess. It's kind of like my name, Sirius, Russ, kind of. …Call me it again."

"Russ," I said.

Sirius frowned. "Use it in a sentence or something."

I stepped forward and rested my hand on his cheek, looking deep into his eyes. "Don't over think this, Russ," I said.

Sirius' eyes didn't waver from mine. "It's weird," he said, "but I think I like it."

I smiled too, I was happy he liked it.

"Can we like, try it out some and see what I think?" Sirius asked.

"Of course, Russ," I said, pulling away from him, "and for what it's worth, not only does it describe you perfectly, but I think it sounds good too… Russ."

Sirius was now trying to hide his smile. I could tell he liked it, but he was struggling against it. His family didn't use nicknames, I remembered him saying that once, so I decided not to push him too hard.

"How about we go map some of the castle?" I asked.

"Yes," Sirius said, folding up his sheet of parchment. "It'll go twice as fast with you helping me. Don't tell James or Peter though, I don't want them to know in case I can't pull it off."

* * *

"Rensen," I all but screamed as he landed on my shoulder and pecked at my hair. "Russ, Rensen's back."

Sirius groaned and didn't bother getting out from underneath his bed covers.

I untied the letter and Rensen went straight for Sirius, joining him underneath the covers. I smiled, my two boys were back together again.

I nervously unfurled the letter, wondering what Newton Scamander had said.

* * *

 _-John_

 _No need for all the formalities, call me Newt._

 _I am well-versed in many, if not most creatures and I am confident I can answer any questions you may have._

 _Your owl, Rensen he tells me his name is, is a fine owl, extremely smart, one of the smartest I've seen. I'm not sure where you got him from, but I believe him to be a rare breed of barn owl._

 _I know that's not what you're asking about, I'm sure you know just how special Rensen is._

 _Feel free to ask me any questions and I'll answer them when I can._

 _Eagerly awaiting your reply._

 _-Newt Scamander_

* * *

Sirius had gotten out of bed and he read the letter over my shoulder, I guess he was just as anxious as me.

"I still don't trust him," Sirius said.

"You don't trust anyone," I reminded him.

"I trust you and Rensen," Sirius said and I smiled.

"Did you see what he said about Rensen? I knew our owl was smart. Where did you get him from?" I asked, "Diagon Alley?"

"No," Sirius said, "some guy was selling him out of his cloak near Knockturn Alley. I saw it as my chance, so when my mother stepped away, I got him, shoving him into my jacket until I got home. I think that's why he likes to be buried all the time. …Do you care that I didn't get him from the Menagerie or the Emporium?"

"If you had told me about it beforehand," I said, "maybe, but I love Rensen and I don't care where you got him."

"You gonna write back to him?" Sirius asked and I could tell that he still didn't trust Newt.

"Not right now," I smiled, "how about we go and map some more of the castle."


	36. Quidditch Tryouts

**Quidditch Tryouts**

"You're going to be there, right?" James said. "It's ten am, am, that's in the morning."

"James, mate," Sirius said, "we're going to be there."

"We wouldn't miss it," I said, "not after hearing how badly you failed last year."

"Hey," James said, "that was the broom's fault, not mine. The school really needs to upgrade them."

"What's that saying?" I asked. "A bad Quidditch player always blames their broom."

"You know what," James said, "Remus, you're uninvited, I don't need your negativity."

"But who will catch you when you fall?" I asked. "Anyway, I can't not go, Lily invited me to sit with her."

"Lily's going to be there?" James questioned, going completely pale. "What exactly did she say? Why did she ask you to sit with her? Why is she going to be there?"

"I don't know," I said, but that didn't satisfy James. "I really don't know," I told him. "She just asked me and because I was already going I said I'd sit with her, it's no big deal."

"I can't believe she's going to be there." James said. "What if I screw up again? I don't want Lily to see me fail… But what if I fly well and I amaze her? …Maybe this is a good thing, but why is she coming? ...Someone go and ask her why she's going. Pete, you do it."

"Umm… Okay." Peter left our room and I shook my head.

"Why does it even matter?" I asked. "You should be focusing on impressing Swallowby and no one else."

"Swallowby's a git," James said, "they better make me Quidditch captain when he leaves."

"You've gotta make the team first," Sirius said.

"I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight, am I?" James groaned. "Hey, what are the chances of McGonagall letting me go out for some last minute practice."

"I'd say slim to none," I told him and James groaned again. "You asked."

"Where's Pete?" James said. "Someone go check on him."

"You need to relax," Sirius said. "Do you need us to go and get a potion from Madam Pomfrey?"

"And risk something going wrong and me missing tryouts," James said, "no thank you… Pete, you're back."

James jumped up and wrapped his arm around Peter.

"So, what did she say?" James asked.

"I… Umm… You're not going to like it," Peter said, stepping away from James.

"What is it?" I asked.

"Umm… Lily was invited by Snape, something about him wanting to watch you fall, I'm not sure. I think everyone's going to be there, as in, the whole school."

Sirius and I laughed.

"That's what happens when you dive bomb McGonagall in last year's tryouts," Sirius said, "and then somehow fly off with her cloak wrapped around your broom with her flailing in the air behind you."

James groaned. "Why would you remind me of that?"

"I can't believe we missed it," I said, "but we won't this year. Everyone's going to be so disappointed if you don't dive bomb her again."

"This is terrible," James said. "The whole school is going to be there and everyone's expecting me to fail. McGonagall's only just started looking me in the eye again. My life sucks. And Lily's going to be there."

"I think you're missing the most important thing," Sirius said.

"Don't tell me" James said, "I don't want to know."

"But I have to tell you," Sirius said, "...Snape's going to be there, with Lily."

James groaned and we all laughed.

"I'm going to bed," he said, "and I don't want to hear another word."

Peter went to bed too, but Sirius waved me over to his bed.

I sat down and Rensen left Sirius to come and sit on my lap. Sirius held up a pack of cards and I knew his game immediately. I nodded my head as he split and shuffled the pack. He handed me half and then we started.

The game was silent until I threw down a two. Both Sirius and I went for the snap at the same time, but I got it first and a loud explosion went off.

"Seriously," James said, "I told you to shut up."

"No," Sirius said, "your exact words were, ' _I don't want to hear another word_ ', and we're not talking."

"Either stop playing Exploding Snap or use one of those damn silencing charms."

I looked at Sirius, maybe we should give him a break. Sirius nodded and I cast the spell.

"I can't believe how riled up he is," Sirius said, "it's just a game."

"I know," I agreed. "He's been training like crazy and he's actually pretty good. I think maybe it was the school broom's fault last year."

"I still can't believe we missed it," Sirius said, "I would've loved to see James dragging a screaming McGonagall through the air."

"It would've been hilarious." I smiled. "Oh, that reminds me, we should do something together, something that makes us happy."

"What do you mean?" Sirius picked up the cards and started shuffling them.

"Irma was teaching me this difficult spell, but you need a happy memory for it to work, I don't have one, so I need to create one."

"How are you supposed to do that?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know, I've been trying to figure it out. The only thing I've realized so far is that I'm most happy when I'm with you, but that's not enough, it needs to be a memory."

"I make you happy?" Sirius asked, he seemed guarded.

"Yeah. My life's always been tainted by the wolf, but things don't seem too bad now, not with you around, ...I don't know."

"You, umm," Sirius said, "you make me happy too. It took me a long time to realize what it was, I'd never been happy before meeting you. I saw my mother's happiness, but I thought only adults got to smile and laugh. ...You don't need to tell me how sad that is, I already know. My childhood is so fucked up."

"I was bit by a werewolf when I was four," I said, "so you can put me in that… fucked up category too."

"You swore," Sirius said, "you shouldn't swear, you're too nice for that. …How are you so nice and kind anyway?" he asked. "I would've thought you'd be the opposite, you know, kinda like me."

"It's all down to my parents, I guess. They always wanted what was best for me, they didn't let my lycanthropy get me down, they wouldn't let me use it as an excuse. It's partly me too, I guess, the wolf is so bad, at least that's what everyone thinks, so I try and do everything I can to be nothing like him. It's like Dumbledore said, we always have a choice. You don't have to be like everyone expects you to be."

"But it's easier that way," Sirius shrugged, "I should just give them what they expect."

"But then you'll believe it too," I said, "even if you're faking it. It's okay to be nice, Russ."

"I don't think I can do it," Sirius said, "it's just not me. Do you want to sleep with Rensen tonight?" he asked me, clearly ending this discussion.

"No, you can." I grabbed Rensen off my lap and handed him to Sirius. "Goodnight," I said before heading to my own bed.

* * *

"Shit," Sirius said, "everyone did show up, even Dumbledore's here."

"There's Lily," I said, pointing to her and Snape in the stands, "she's saved us some seats."

We made our way over to them.

"You'd think this was the first Quidditch game of the season with this turnout," Lily said.

"Yeah," I sat down next to her and Sirius sat next to me, "who knew James Potter was this popular."

"We're only here to see him fall off his broom," Snape said and Lily laughed.

"He's going to do great," Sirius said, leaning forward so he could glare at Snape.

"It makes sense that you'd think your boyfriend's great," Snape told Sirius, "but from what I've seen, he's nothing but average."

"How about we not talk about James," I suggested.

"Good idea," Lily said. "So where's Rensen?" she asked. "It's weird not seeing him around you two."

"He's mailing a letter to my parents," I said. "He's a lazy git if we don't give him something to do."

We fell into a conversation lull as we waited for the Chasers to be called.

"There he is," I said.

"Whoo!" Sirius stood up, yelling, "go James!"

James looked our way, he was smiling confidently, but then he spotted Lily and Snape.

I grabbed Sirius' arm and pulled him back down.

"They're making him go last," Snape observed.

I groaned, we'd already been here for over an hour.

"Wake me up when it's his turn," I said, laying down with my head on Sirius' lap.

"What's up with him?" Lily asked.

"He didn't get much sleep last night," Sirius said, his hand finding its way into my hair, "Rensen was feeling neglected, so he spent most of the night pecking him. That's what he gets though, Remus should know not to make Rensen mad."

"Why's he laying on you like that?" Snape asked.

"Would you rather him lay on Lily?" Sirius said. "I didn't think so, so shut the fuck up."

"Could you please not talk to me like that?" Snape said. "I've done nothing to you."

"It's how he talks to everyone," Lily said, "everyone but Remus."

"Lily shut your mouth," Sirius said.

"No fuck, Sirius?" Lily said. "I'm disappointed."

"Well, I would fuck you if you asked nicely," Sirius said, "but I didn't think you thought of me that way. …Ow, what the fuck was that for, Evans?"

"Do you mind?" I asked, opening my eyes to glare at them, "I'm trying to get some rest."

"Severus, is this seat taken?" Regulus asked and I groaned, closing my eyes again.

"What's he doing?" Regulus asked. "And, Sirius, why is your hand in his hair?"

"It's a wonder why we ever leave the tower." I groaned, sitting up. Clearly, I'd have to try and get some sleep later. "Regulus, it's nice to see you again. How are you enjoying Hogwarts?"

Regulus' familiar gray eyes met mine for a beat before he looked away and engaged Snape in a conversation. That was weird, right?

"James is up," Lily said and we all looked towards the pitch.

Everyone was eagerly awaiting James' big blunder, but it never came. Those of us who knew him well never doubted him. James dodged everything that came his way and even seasoned Keeper Swallowby was no match for him, he only stopped one of James' five shots.

The crowd groaned and some even left as James did a victory lap around the pitch. He stopped by us, smiling widely as he hovered.

"Well done, mate," Sirius said, "I knew you could do it."

"What about you, Lily?" James asked. "Did you see me?"

"No, James, I'm blind." Lily stood up. "Let's go, Sev."

Lily left with Snape and James looked heartbroken.

"Don't worry," I told him, "you have all year to impress her. There's no way Swallowby and McGonagall aren't going to make you a Chaser after that performance."

"And if that doesn't work," Sirius said, "then you have five more years of school left."

James laughed. "It's not going to take me that long to get Lily," he said, "I'll have her by the start of our third year, at the most, just you wait and see."


	37. Moony and Padfoot

**Moony and Padfoot**

"I don't know if I can handle this," Sirius said, looking out the window of our dorm room.

"We've been through this before," I said, sitting on my bed, watching Sirius in the window bay.

"Yeah, but, I don't know," Sirius said, "aren't you worried at all?"

"Not really," I said, "I've been doing this since I was four, it's just normal to me."

Sirius looked at me. "What if it was me who had to go off tonight?"

My face fell. "Oh." That would suck, but it still didn't change anything. "I'll be fine."

"We don't know that, we never do."

"Last time was good," I sat next to Sirius on the window bay, "the wolf seemed to like the toys I got him."

"I just wish I could be there."

"Russ, we've been through this, the wolf hunts and kills humans, it's not safe for you."

"You didn't kill Rensen, maybe you won't kill me either."

I smiled sadly at him. "I'd never take that risk, you're too important."

"But why didn't you kill Rensen? There must be a reason, maybe we can use that."

"Use it for what?" I asked.

"A way for me to be there or something. …I really hate not being there with you. Look at your hand." Sirius grabbed it, examining the pink scars.

"Exactly," I said, pulling my hand back, "this is as bad as it gets and I'm still living, my hand is still working."

Sirius sighed loudly and crossed his arms against his chest, looking out the window. "I don't like it."

"This is my life," I said, "this will always be a part of my life, there's no cure. If you can't deal with it now then what's the point of any of this?"

I got up and went back over to my bed. It always came down to this. Sirius had accepted that I was a werewolf, but could he handle it for the long haul? Was I even worth it to him?

"I can't do this," Sirius said and my heart sank, "but I'm just going to have to figure it out because you're too important to me."

I smiled, he was using my words back at me.

"Are you taking Padfoot with you?" Sirius asked, walking over to me.

I frowned. "Who?"

"Padfoot," Sirius said, picking up my black dog.

"You named him?" I asked confused.

"Of course," Sirius said, "I wasn't going to keep on calling him _dog_ like you, he needed a name. I think Padfoot suits him, here, look here." Sirius turned the dog over, "look at his paws, that's the cutest part about him, his little pad feet."

"I like his eyes," I admitted.

"They're kind of like mine," Sirius said, "so does that mean you like my eyes too?"

"I guess," I said, "you know Halley, she likes your eyes."

"And why the fuck would I care about her?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know," I shrugged, "she's good looking and she seems to like you, I don't know."

Sirius sat on my bed with me, Padfoot on his lap.

"You think she's good looking?" Sirius asked.

"I guess," I said, "her face is symmetrical."

Sirius laughed.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," he said. "What about Lily, do you think she's good looking?"

"Umm, she's James', so why would I even think about her like that?"

"Okay, Mary then?" Sirius said.

Why was he questioning me about this?

"She seems nice," I said. "Russ, what's your point?"

"How do you feel about Rensen?" he asked next, completely ignoring me.

"I love him."

"And me?"

"I love you." What was he getting at?

"James," Sirius said, "do you think he's good looking?"

"I've never thought about that before."

"Give it a think," Sirius said, "I'll wait."

He was so determined. What was he trying to get out of me? Sirius' hand found its way into Padfoot's fur, he wasn't even looking at me. I sighed and thought of James. Was he good looking? Not really, he was skinny, nerdy, glasses almost always askew, hair a complete mess, boring hazel eyes.

"I don't think he's good looking," I said and Sirius frowned.

"Peter?" he asked.

"No," I said firmly. I refused to think about Peter that way.

"Me?" Sirius asked.

This was pointless, but at least we weren't talking about my change anymore. Sirius, did I think he was good looking? Well that was obvious, yes, but I couldn't tell him that, could I? Was Sirius vain? He seemed to be in front of others. If I lied, would I hurt his feelings? Why was this so hard?

"Are you going to answer me?" Sirius said with a slight annoyance in his voice.

"What do you want from me?" I asked.

"The truth," he said simply.

Okay then.

"Yes," I said, "I think you're good looking."

A small smile graced Sirius' face and I smiled too, happy that he was finally satisfied.

I wanted to know if he thought I was good looking too, but there was no way I was setting myself up for that refusal.

"Do you mind that I called him Padfoot?" Sirius asked. "You can rename him or keep calling him dog if you want."

"No, Padfoot's a fine name." I really didn't care if the dog had a name or not, but if Sirius wanted to call it Padfoot then he could.

* * *

"Whatever you do," Sirius whispered quietly, "be safe, come back to me safe."

I nodded my head.

"Where are you going?" James asked. "And why are you taking that stupid dog with you?"

"Leave him the fuck alone," Sirius said.

"I'm just going down to the common room," I said, "I'll be back."

It wasn't my best lie, but it would do.

I met Sirius' eyes one last time, I knew that he hated that I was doing this alone, but that was the life of the werewolf.

I made it to the shack with plenty of time to spare. I followed my routine and sat against the stairs with my black dog.

"Padfoot." I shook my head, smiling. Sirius came up with the most random names, but somehow, they just seemed to fit.

My first bone broke and I set Padfoot next to the ball. No Rensen today, I was never bringing him back here. I'd sent him to my parents, knowing that he'd be gone when I had to leave, but would hopefully return soon so that Sirius could sleep with him. Sirius said he didn't need anyone, but I'd rather him have Rensen than no one.

* * *

 **Moony's POV**

I was back. I was alive. I was feeling… Content? Worried? Confused? …Why did I have so many emotions?

I liked it here. I was back in the shack with the window. The moon looked magical tonight, so bright, so full. I wished I could be out there, closer to it, but here was okay, here was better than being locked up in the dark.

I was missing someone and not just the little ball of feathers, though I did miss him too. I missed gray eyes and black hair. I picked up the dog that was like me and stared at it. I didn't miss this, I missed something else, something similar.

I always thought that I was separate from the boy, that he punished me by locking me up, but he'd been trying so hard lately. He gave me the ball of feathers to play with, he gave me these. I put my paw on the ball and held it there. The boy cared for me, did that mean that I cared for him too?

I didn't feel the desire to kill him, or hurt him. If he died, I died. I realized that now. I didn't want to die. I liked being alive. I liked the moon and my toys. I liked the little ball of feathers. I liked the gray eyes.

I looked at the dog. I liked this dog. I remembered last time I wanted to name him, but I named myself Moony instead. I looked at the dog and the name just came to me, Padfoot.

Moony and Padfoot.

I smiled. I liked that. I had a friend now, he wasn't alive, he couldn't play with me, but just like the chains and the dark, maybe this was just for now, a test. Maybe if I did good the boy would reward me with a real dog.

I would like a real dog to play with. One like Padfoot, one with gray eyes and shaggy black fur, but how did I get one? Did I just need to treat this dog well? Care for him? Love him? Could I do that?

I was so used to death, destruction, pain and punishment. I wasn't sure if I liked these new feelings. Why was I changing? Why was I thinking so much? Could I hurt the boy? Would this make things stop? Would it make things go back to normal?

I looked at my claws, I'd used them so many times to harm the boy. I was covered in scars, I didn't care about them, but the boy did. I needed to try.

I needed to see if I was still capable, to see if I was still the wolf and not the boy.

I extended my claws. I could do this, but where? Somewhere new, somewhere not scarred.

I ran my hand over my body, feeling all the raised pieces of scarred skin, looking for a flat patch. I found it, near my hip.

I dug my claws in and dragged them down slowly. This felt good, this felt right. I was still the wolf, not the boy. I was just called Moony now, nothing else had changed.

I reached my leg and I kept going. I wanted to hurt the boy, didn't I? I hit mid-thigh and I stopped. I'd made my point.

I howled as the pain settled in.

I whimpered, scampering to the wall. Why did I do that? I was the boy, he was the wolf, we were one. Weren't we?

I grabbed Padfoot and the jacket with the scent I loved. I hugged them both to me, still whimpering in pain. My hip was bleeding and sore, so I rolled onto my other side.

I shouldn't have done it, but I had to. I didn't want things to change. I didn't want to start feeling things other than anger and rage. I didn't want to start thinking these thoughts. Couldn't I just stay the same?

I wanted death, destruction, pain and punishment. Nothing more, nothing less.


	38. What's the Point?

**What's the Point?**

I woke up with Sirius' jacket covering me and my head resting on Padfoot. I didn't make a move to get up, what was the point? I remembered everything. My hip and leg was sore, but I didn't look at it, I didn't do anything.

Everything had been going well, too well. I'd given the wolf what he wanted, what I thought he needed. He had his toys, he had Sirius' jacket, what more did he need?

He had attacked me because he wanted to make sure he was still the wolf, but what else would he ever be? He was trying to show his dominance, that no matter what I did he'd always be in charge, that he'd always be able to hurt me, to hurt others.

I'm not sure how long I laid there for, but it had to be hours. Poppy eventually disturbed me, but I wouldn't meet her eyes, I couldn't. I'd failed because no matter how hard I tried to make the wolf good, he'd always be bad.

"Remus?" Poppy said softly. "Are you okay?"

I didn't respond and she knelt by me.

"Where are you hurt?" she asked.

How did she know? My injury was completely covered. Could she read it on my face? Had I left blood everywhere? Probably. I still didn't move.

"Remus, please talk to me," she said.

I wrapped my arms around Padfoot and stayed silent.

"Can I at least look at your injury?"

I shook my head no, if she looked then it would be real, I didn't want it to be real. I didn't want to be injured again after such a long break… Break, that's all it was and all it'd ever be, a break. I'd always get injured, the wolf would always hurt me.

Poppy sighed. "If you're not going to show me, I'm going to have to get Dumbledore."

I held Padfoot tighter. I didn't want that, but I wasn't ready to leave the shack either. What would Sirius say? He told me to be safe and I hadn't been. Would he be upset with me? Upset with the wolf? All I knew was that this wouldn't stop him from wanting to be with me each full moon and I couldn't have that, I would never forgive myself if the wolf hurt him.

Poppy stood up. "Okay," she said, "I'll be back."

She left and I wasted no time. I quickly got dressed, even though it was painful, and I pulled Sirius' jacket on, then I used a shrinking charm on Padfoot and put him in my pocket. I left the ball, it could stay there.

Once done, I started working on Dumbledore's charms. They were strong, but I found a way to break through with my wand.

I ran out of the shack, my leg hurting with each step I took, but I couldn't stop. I needed to get away, I needed to stay away. Everyone would be better off with me gone. I didn't want Sirius to see me like this, I didn't want to worry him. I just wanted him to live his life without me, he'd be better off then.

It was weird to see the shack from the outside. It was completely rundown and unassuming, no one would know that it housed a werewolf every full moon. I headed towards Hogsmeade, I needed to find somewhere safe to lay low before I could figure out my next move.

The pain in my leg got too much, but I pushed the thoughts aside. What was one more injury? What was one more set of scars? My life would never be different and I was foolish to think otherwise.

I entered Hogsmeade and settled down behind the Hog's Head Inn. My leg was too sore to make it any further. I needed to make a plan. My thoughts went to Sirius, I didn't want to leave him, but what choice did I have? He was always so worried about me, he didn't like seeing me hurt.

This was my life, I'd always be hurt, I'd always worry Sirius and I didn't want that. If I could leave then he could move on and forget me. Him and James could become best friends and I'd just run away and let the wolf do whatever he wanted. He could rule now, I didn't care.

Rensen landed on the ground in front of me and just stared at me. Why was he here? Did leaving Sirius mean that I had to leave Rensen too? Could I do that? Rensen jumped up onto my shoulder and pecked at my hair. I didn't want to leave Rensen, I loved him.

I loved Sirius too, but that was the point? I couldn't put him through this. My whole life, our whole life. Every month. He'd never be able to be with me on the full moon, I'd always have to do it alone. Society would continue to shun me and the company I kept. And what if the wolf killed me? …I refused to put Sirius through that.

Rensen pecked my neck, the pain was nothing compared to the pain in my leg. My pant leg was soaked with blood. I still hadn't looked at it, I didn't know how deep the wounds were. I doubted I'd bleed out, surely that would've happened by now if that was the case.

Did I go home now? What other options did I have other than Hogwarts or home? I wanted to run away, I wanted to be alone, but I was only twelve. I had no money, no place to live, how would I get food? What would I do each month for the wolf, let him run free? Lock him up?

It would be simpler to go back to Hogwarts. I stayed where I was sitting with Rensen on my shoulder, Sirius' jacket around me, and Padfoot in my pocket. Everything the wolf liked. He didn't want to be like me, he wanted to be a werewolf, he wanted to hurt people, to kill them.

Time passed, but I still didn't know what to do. It was in the afternoon now, it'd get dark soon. Was Sirius worried about me? Would this be the last time he had to think about me? What about Poppy? Did she get Dumbledore? Dumbledore couldn't be that powerful if he hadn't found me yet.

The sun fell and still, I was alone, Rensen excluded as all he was doing was sleeping half buried in my hair, half buried in Sirius' jacket. This was me, a lone wolf. I didn't like it, but I may as well get used to it.

I turned my body into the corner. I was against the back wall of the Hog's Head Inn and against some wooden crates. Clearly no one cared about me. I hadn't gone far. Had they let my parents know at least? I wanted to laugh at that. My parents didn't care for me, not as much as they once had.

The wolf had finally let me remember what they'd done when I injured my hand. How they hadn't tried to heal me, how they knocked me out for days, how they stuck me on the train for Dumbledore to deal with, how they said that their lives were better without me in it. They still loved me, but I was dooming them, just like I was dooming Sirius.

I should just run away, find somewhere secluded, somewhere completely alone.

"Remus, what are you doing?" Irma asked.

I dropped my head and turned further into the wall.

"Come on now," she said, "enough of this. You made me leave my library and for what? Huh? What is so terrible that you decided to run away? Good job at that too, look around this corner and you can still see the castle. Do you know what that tells me? You don't want to leave, not really."

What did she know?

"All of the other professors looked at me like I was crazy when I said I would come and talk to you," she said. "Dumbledore found you immediately, but as you didn't move from here he was certain you'd come back on your own, but you foolishly didn't. …Don't make me come down there… Remus, what's gotten into you? You can trust me, you know this. Don't make me regret leaving the castle. I can go and get Dumbledore if you'd prefer."

That had me listening. I turned away from the wall and looked at her.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

I shook my head no.

"Are you going to continue acting like a small child by not talking?"

I really didn't feel like talking. I dropped my head again.

"I saw Sirius today," she said.

My eyes shot to hers and she smiled knowingly. She knew me too well. I wanted to ask how Sirius was, but I didn't.

Irma sighed. "Give this up, Remus, I don't have time for your bullshit." Bullshit? "You heard me. We're not at Hogwarts right now, I don't need to act professionally. Tell me what's going on, help me understand, or get back to the castle before I drag you there. I can do it, I'm strong enough, don't test me. Make your decision and quickly."

She'd drag me, I had no doubt about that. I was out of options, but I trusted Irma fully.

"Nothing's ever going to get better," I said. "No matter what I do, how much I help the wolf, he's still going to hurt me. What's the point of any of this? Going to school isn't going to get me a good job, being friends with Sirius is only going to doom him, helping the wolf clearly doesn't help me. It's all pointless."

"Oh, Remus," Irma said, "don't talk like that. What you go through each month is completely unimaginable, but that's no reason to give up on everything, to not try. School is teaching you so much and you're smart enough to find a way to use it in the professional world. You love Sirius, he's the reason you're pushing yourself so hard.

"I can't say much for the wolf as I don't understand that at all, but if there's one thing I've learned, it's that you should never give in. You're a kind boy, Remus, and if that doesn't affect the wolf in a positive way then there's nothing you can do about that, but it shouldn't stop you from trying. …I'm not good at this, please tell me what I can do to help you right now?"

"It's just so hard," I admitted, "I was doing so well, the wolf was getting better, I was starting to understand him, and then he just… reverts. I don't know how much longer I can do this, Irma. I'm doomed, and if not me, then Sirius. I don't want to leave him."

"Then what are you doing right now?" Irma asked. "It looks like you're leaving him to me."

"If I leave now," I said, "it will be easier."

"On whom?" Irma asked.

I didn't answer because we both knew that my leaving was easier on no one.

"It's okay to have your down days," she said, "it's okay to want to throw everything away, but it's what you do next that counts. You're only the wolf one day a month, that's twelve times a year. Twelve days out of three hundred and sixty-five. It's miniscule, Remus, don't throw those other three hundred and fifty-three days away because twelve are bad."

She was right, I was acting stupid. I was just so sick of getting hurt especially when I thought I'd made things better.

"Come on," she said, "it's time to get off the ground."

I stood up, but I wouldn't meet her eyes.

"None of that now," Irma said, wrapping her arm around me, "let's get you back to Hogwarts where you belong."

"How's Sirius?" I asked.

"He's worried about you," Irma said. "He sat in my library and pretended to read a book, eyes darting to me and the door every other second… We both know the dead giveaway was Sirius reading a book."

I smiled, yeah that was a dead giveaway.

"It was somewhat pleasant though," Irma said, "to not have him disturbing everyone else, I've never seen him so quiet. That boy cares for you, Remus, don't be foolish and throw that away."

"But what if I doom him?" I asked. "If I die, it will hurt him, and if I live, society will shun us."

"So?" Irma said. "You're smart enough to beat society, and leaving Sirius now is going to hurt him as much as your death, trust me on that. ...I don't know if you realize this," she said, "but the decision to be your friend, or more than friends, is Sirius', not yours."

She was right, why was she always right? I needed to have more faith in Sirius. He knew I was a werewolf, so he could make his own decisions based on that, and we were smart enough to deal with anything that came our way, and if not, at least we had each other.


	39. I Love You

**I Love You**

"Can you take Sirius' jacket for me?" I asked Irma. "It's Hebridean hide and I don't want Dumbledore to take it."

"Of course," Irma said. "I'll take Rensen too so I can send word to Sirius and let him know that you're okay."

"Thanks, Irma, for everything."

"It's no trouble, Remus."

I handed her the jacket and Rensen wasted no time in burying himself inside it. Irma carefully placed the jacket and Rensen inside her robes.

The walk back to Hogwarts was tough. I was so ready to throw everything away, but now I was going back. I didn't regret my decision to return, but it didn't magically make all my thoughts and problems go away either. I was still feeling down, I still didn't want to doom Sirius, but I was glad I was going back.

"This isn't going to be easy," Irma told me, "they're going to have questions and you're going to have to answer them, you're also going to have to show Poppy your leg."

I was doing well at ignoring the pain, but it didn't help when Irma brought it up. I was limping as we walked. I still didn't think the injury was that bad, but I knew it wouldn't be just a scratch either, not when my pants were soaked with blood.

We entered the castle and went straight for the hospital wing. I expected Irma to leave me and go back to her library, but she stayed with me and I was thankful.

Poppy came over to me and she didn't look too happy. I didn't plan to run away from her, I just did. I decided to say nothing.

"Are you ready to show me yet?" Poppy asked.

I carefully undid my pants and slid them down. Irma gasped, but Poppy didn't so it couldn't be that bad. I chanced a look at my hip. It was the standard claw injury. Three claw marks running from my hip to midway down my thigh. It was still bleeding and that had me a little worried, it should've stopped by now.

"Lay on the bed, on your side," Poppy said. "Dumbledore wants to have a word with you, so don't fall asleep."

Poppy left and Irma helped me get on the bed. "Are you okay?" she asked me.

"Yeah," I said.

"Do you want me to leave?" she asked.

"Not yet," I said, "unless you want to."

"No, it's okay, I can stay for a little bit. I'll have to leave soon though to send word to Sirius, we don't want him worrying himself sick."

I nodded my head, that was a good plan.

Poppy came back with Dumbledore and McGonagall and I had no idea what I was going to tell them, there was no way I was telling them the truth.

"Mr. Lupin," Dumbledore said, "it's good to see you back."

I stayed silent, I didn't want to say the wrong thing.

"Irma, will you fill me in?" Dumbledore asked her.

"Sure," she said. "Mr. Lupin was upset, he told me that this is the first time the wolf's hurt him in a long time. He ran because he was confused and feeling helpless, we had a talk and he's doing better now."

"Is that right?" Dumbledore asked me.

"Y-yes."

"And are things better?" he asked. "Are you planning on running away again?"

"N-no, Sir," I said, "Madam Pince told me how foolish I was being and I agreed. I'm sorry for running away, that was reckless of me. The wolf just gets me all riled up and it's hard to think rationally at times."

"Have you written to Mr. Scamander yet?" Dumbledore asked.

"Y-yes, we've made contact, but I haven't asked him anything yet. I think I have some questions now though, so I'll be writing to him as soon as I'm able."

"Good," Dumbledore said. "We'll leave you to it, but, Remus, please don't run away, talk to us first. If things are getting too much then we will find a safe way for you to have a break."

"O-okay, thank you."

"Irma, with us please," Dumbledore said before leaving with McGonagall.

My wide eyes met Irma's, but she smiled reassuringly at me. I was certain I could trust her, but what if she betrayed me? No, she would never do that.

Poppy worked on healing my wound and I just laid there in silence even though it stung. My thoughts went to Sirius. I wondered if he was worried about me, I wondered when he'd get Irma's letter and Rensen. I wanted to see him, but I was stuck here for the time being.

When Poppy was done, she dressed the wound and gave me a pair of pajama pants to put on. She asked me if I wanted a potion to help me sleep, but I said no, and then I bided my time.

First, I waited for the lights to go out, then I waited for Poppy to go to her personal quarters, and then I waited another two hours just to be sure. Everything was silent, no one was awake.

I carefully got out of the bed and tiptoed my way out of the hospital wing. I didn't want to be here, I wanted to be with Sirius. I didn't like the idea of him being stuck up in our dorm worrying himself silly, not when I could show him I was fine.

The walk was long and painful, but it would be worth it. The Fat Lady opened up and I stepped into the silent common room, heading straight for our dorm. I wondered if I'd get in trouble for this. Would Poppy be upset that I ran away again? Maybe I could just stay here for a little while and then go back.

I crept into our room, it was dark and silent. I didn't bother going to my bed, Sirius was my target. I carefully climbed onto his bed, my leg aching, and I launched myself at him. My head hit his chest and I wrapped my arms around him. How could I ever leave him?

The tears fell and I held him to me tighter. Never getting to see Sirius again would've been the worst mistake I could've ever made, I may as well kill myself if that was the case. Sirius' arms wrapped around me and he breathed me in.

"Are you okay?" he whispered. "I was so worried when I saw Poppy come back to the castle alone."

He'd seen that? I'd put him through so much unnecessary worry, it made me cry harder.

"It's okay," Sirius said, "you're okay. You are okay, right?"

"Y-yes," I said.

Sirius sat up with me and put a silencing charm around us.

"What happened?" he asked. "Where are you hurt?"

"My hip," I said, burying my head into his chest, "and my head, or my heart, I don't know."

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"I tried to run away," I admitted.

"What?" Sirius said. "Are you fucking with me right now? Why would you do that?"

"I don't know," I said. "I was just feeling down. I'm so sick of being hurt by the wolf. I was so sure that there was a way to control him, but there isn't, and then I kept thinking about you and how I'm dooming you."

"Dooming me?" Sirius questioned. "My mother abuses me, Remy, I'm already fucking doomed, please don't worry about me."

"Irma said that choosing to be around me was your decision to make, not mine."

"She's a smart woman," Sirius said. "I got her note from Rensen, she was pretending to be you and she called me a dick."

"She did?" I asked, my mood picking up a little.

"Yeah, it said, ' _I heard you were in the library not being a dick for once'._ " Sirius laughed. "I think she was trying to let me know that it was her without writing it down."

"I wouldn't be back here without her," I admitted.

"Were you really going to leave me?" Sirius asked.

"I don't know. I thought I was going to, but I only got as far as Hogsmeade. I couldn't do it."

"I would've left with you if you'd asked," Sirius said. "We could leave this all behind if that's what you want."

"I… I…" I stuttered. Sirius would come with me? Of course he would. "I think we should stay here," I said, "learn some stuff, keep James company."

"Okay," Sirius accepted, "but just tell me if that's what you want, don't you dare try and leave without me again."

"I won't."

"Tell me about your hip," he said.

"The wolf, he injured me." I pulled away from Sirius so I could show him.

Sirius lit the end of his wand and hissed when he saw it. "Shouldn't you be in the hospital wing?"

"Probably," I said, "but I really wanted to see you." My voice caught in my throat.

"Oh, Remy," he said, "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, and you're definitely not dooming me, please never think that again. I'd rather be with you on the run than be stuck with my family any day."

"Thanks, Russ," I said. "It was a rash decision and I couldn't even go through with it. Now that I know you'd come with me, I'll ask you for sure."

"Where would we go?" Sirius asked, pulling me into his arms and laying us down on his bed.

"I don't know," I said, my head resting against his chest, "maybe somewhere a bit warmer, an island maybe, it could be just us… and the wolf." My heart sunk, the wolf would always be with us.

"Have you considered that this full moon was just a bump in the road?" Sirius said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You're starting to understand the wolf," Sirius said, "don't doubt that. You're the one who realized that he liked to play, you're the one who made sure he didn't have to be chained up every month, you're doing everything for him, Remy. He's not going to change overnight, or, over one full moon, give him some time. This is new to him too, give him time."

He was right, and so was Irma. I was putting too much pressure on myself and the wolf. I needed to give him time, he only got to come out twelve times a year, and I needed to keep trying because that's who I am.

I had to continue helping him, but I needed to be more patient and more accepting. I needed to remember that he's a werewolf, it's in his nature to hurt and kill.

I was so tired, it had been a long and emotional day.

"I love you, Russ," I said, sighing into his chest as I closed my eyes.

"I know, Remy," Sirius held me tighter, "I know."


	40. Eavesdropping

**Eavesdropping**

"What's going on with Remus?" James asked Sirius.

Rensen and I were sitting in the window well of our dorm with the curtains drawn. I considered letting James and Sirius know I was there, but I couldn't be bothered.

"What do you mean?" Sirius said.

I wasn't sure if he knew I was here or not.

"Remus," James said, "he's always moping around, not himself. I don't know, mate, you know I'm not good with this shit. Something's up though, right?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Don't be a dick," James said, "we all see you two together, if anyone knows, it's you."

Sirius sighed. "He's just confused."

"About what?" James asked. "Whether or not he's gay?"

I froze and Rensen's eyes met mine.

"No," Sirius said, "and why would you assume that?"

"Oh, so he knows he's gay then?"

How did James know?

"Watch your fucking mouth," Sirius hissed.

"Now I'm confused," James said. "I don't care if he's gay, you know that right. One in four people are gay, so it's gotta be one of us… Maybe it's Pete."

"One in four?" Sirius said. "I don't think that's right. Isn't it more like one in ten?"

There was a pause in the conversation and I hoped they had moved on from discussing my sexuality.

"Lily talked to me today," James said, but he didn't sound too happy about it. "She wanted me to ask you if you like Halley or some shit."

"I'm not interested in her," Sirius said.

He wasn't? My heart swelled.

"Why not?" James asked. "Because you and Remus are gay for each other?"

I tensed up.

"No," Sirius said, "we're just good friends."

"Then what's the problem?" James asked. "Halley's hot, not as hot as Lily, but still. ...Just go out with her once. If it sucks, drop her and she should back off, if it's good, well…" James trailed off. "Come on, Sirius, maybe this will show Lily what she's missing."

"Me," Sirius said, "it'll show her that she's missing me. Great plan, James, I'll go ask Halley out right now."

I smiled at Sirius' tactics.

"Wait, what?" James said. "You're wrong, right? …But what if this does show you in a different light to Lily?"

Sirius laughed. "You're a fucking idiot."

"Let's play it safe," James said, "just to be sure. Don't ask her out… Unless you want to, I'm not going to stand in the way of love."

Love.

"I'm right thanks," Sirius said, "I've got my hand and that's good enough for me."

I felt my face flush thinking about Sirius doing that to himself. Did he do it here in the room, near my bed?

James laughed. "I hear ya. You think Pete and Remus jerk off yet?"

"Why would I think about that?" Sirius asked.

"Good point," James said, "but yet again, you know Remus best, so, does he?"

James had zero boundaries.

I hoped they didn't discover me here because that would be beyond embarrassing.

"James," Sirius said, "I really don't think Remus would like us talking about him like this."

"Who fucking cares," James said, "just answer the question."

"No," Sirius said, "I don't think he does."

Did they really have to be talking about this when I couldn't do anything about it? There was no way I was letting them know I was here and that I'd heard their conversation.

"And how do you know?" James asked. "Come on, mate, you know I'm not going to care."

"I don't know," Sirius said, "we were just talking about personal stuff and he didn't want to join in. I don't think he's hit that stage yet."

"It must be soon," James said, "you'll be thirteen in a month, when's Remus' birthday?"

"I think it's in March," Sirius said, "sometime before yours."

"Wait, he's older than me?" James said. "Both you and Remus are? When's Pete's birthday? I have to be older than him. …Right, you don't care about Pete. Why is that? He's not that bad, you know."

"He looks at me like I'm a Black," Sirius said simply.

"So? You are a Black."

"Don't worry about it."

"Do you talk to Remus about these things?" James asked.

"Sometimes," Sirius said.

"Why him and not me?"

"Because he's not a fucking idiot," Sirius said. "I don't have to explain things to him, he just gets them. …You don't want us to have that type of friendship anyway."

"Why not?"

"Because then everyone would think we were gay for each other too."

"Oh," James said, "right. I don't want that, just imagine what Lily would think… Wait, maybe that would help me get her, you know, she'd trust me because she'd think I was gay, maybe she'd even get undressed around me."

I shook my head, James was still completely clueless when it came to girls.

"Did your parents drop you on your head when you were a baby?" Sirius asked. "Because that is your worst plan to date, just fucking crack open a book and show her that you can be smart or some shit. That's why she likes Snape."

"I thought she only liked Snape because they knew each other before Hogwarts," James said, "you know, he was her only option and now she's just with him to be nice, or she's trapped.

"I've seen him talking to your brother, what do you think that's all about? My dad said that the Dark Lord is trying to recruit Slytherins or something, do you think him or Snape would go over to his side? I bet Malfoy did, that guy's a real jerk. In our first year, all I did was accidentally turn his hair pink and then when he found out it was me he fucking chucked a spaz when I deflected all his curses. I'm so glad he's gone, but I bet he fucking joined the Dark Lord."

I hoped this conversation wouldn't upset Sirius. Surely Regulus wouldn't join the Dark Lord.

"My cousin Bella joined," Sirius said, "if Malfoy has then Cissy will as well. At least Andy's not interested. Mother finally burned her off the family tree tapestry. Not only did she marry a Muggle, but she's pregnant too. I heard it's a girl, but I don't know for sure."

"I can't believe she gave up all that money and power for a Muggle," James said.

"She gave it up for love," Sirius said, "not a Muggle. I commend her for it, I miss her though, she's the only one who congratulated me for being placed in Gryffindor."

I'd have to remember to congratulate him later, I knew it wouldn't be the same as his family saying it, but it had to be something.

"Your family is so fucked up," James said, "my parents don't care about any of that shit. I told them about Lily, how she's Muggle-born and they just smiled at me."

"Yeah, well," Sirius said, his voice tight, "we can't all have loving parents like you."

"I didn't mean it like that," James said.

"Don't worry about it," Sirius sighed, "it's just a fact. We can't choose what family we're born into, but we can choose our friends."

"And you chose me," James said, "how sweet."

"Get your hands off me."

What was going on now? I wanted to chance a peek, but I couldn't be caught.

"No," James said, "you let Remus touch you like this, so why can't I?"

"James, get your fucking hands off me before I break your arm. …That's right, your arm, the one you need to play Quidditch."

"I could play one-handed," James said.

"Do you really want to test that theory?" Sirius asked. "That's what I thought. Keep your hands to yourself, James."

"You like him, don't you?" James said and I froze.

"I don't know what you're talking about." Sirius deflected.

"Remus," James said. "He's the reason you're a fucking prat half the time, he's the reason you won't date Halley… Look at your fucking wall. You've gotten four perfect scores already this year and we're only a month and a half into it."

"Doing well in school has nothing to do with, Remus," Sirius said.

"If you say so, but what about the fact that you have cute nicknames for each other? Remy and Russ. It's sickening. Just be honest with me, do you like him? I won't judge you."

I held my breath as I waited for Sirius' answer.

"No," Sirius said.

My heart sank, of course he wouldn't.

"I knew it," James sounded relieved, "now you can go and ask Halley out."

"I thought we decided that was a terrible idea," Sirius said.

Their voices faded as they left the room. I peeked through the curtain and they were gone.

Sirius didn't like me. Maybe he was just lying to James, but he'd been so open and honest about everything else.

Sirius didn't like me. It was tough to comprehend that thought. It's not as though I thought he would, but I had hoped.

I was sick of denying my feelings for him, I loved him, like a man loves a woman, I was sure of that, but what now? What did Sirius' admission mean for me? For us?


	41. Your Protection

**Your Protection**

"You need to stop worrying so much," Sirius said, his arms wrapped protectively around me, my back against his chest.

"It's not that simple," I said, "I don't want to go through it all again. My hip hasn't even healed fully yet."

"Remy, you can't skip it," Sirius said, "you have to go through it. You'll be okay."

"We don't know that," I said. "What if the wolf kills me?"

"Shush," Sirius rested his chin on my shoulder, "you're working yourself up, you need to calm down."

"I can't. I don't want to calm down."

"Come on now," Sirius said, "lift your knees… there you go." He wrapped his arms around my legs and pulled them tight against my chest. "Drop your head… go on now."

I rested my forehead on my knees, what was he doing?

"Now," he said, "breathe deep and slow."

I did as instructed and I could feel myself calming down.

Would Sirius ever stop surprising me with the random things he knew how to do?

I calmed down fully, but Sirius never let me go.

"It really will be okay," he said.

"How do you know that?"

"Because even if you hurt yourself again," Sirius said, "we'll get through it together. Right? Have I ever let you down before?"

He hadn't, aside from telling James that he didn't like me, but I couldn't count that as I was listening in to a private conversation that I shouldn't have heard.

"Remy, focus," Sirius said, "I haven't let you down and I never will. You're my top priority, protecting your goodness… I don't like seeing you like this. I've let you mope around all month, but you need to get your positivity back. The wolf hurting you will always be an option, but you can't let it get you down. Please."

"You can't understand," I said, content to keep on moping.

"I can't?" Sirius questioned. "I'm sorry, but I disagree with that. I've lived with my mother my whole life. I never knew what was going to set her off, I could never get ahead of her, I never knew how she'd punish me. I lived in fear every day. Now, being here, I can see how good life can be, how easy, how safe. I understand the fear of the unknown more than you realize, not knowing if you're going to be hurt, not knowing how bad it'll be."

He loosened his hold on me and I turned to face him. Sirius rarely went into details about his home life, but he'd just offered me so much.

"I…" Sirius said, "stay right here."

He got off the bed and went over to his trunk.

"I didn't want to give this to you yet," he said, "but I don't think I have a choice."

What was he talking about?

Sirius rejoined me on his bed, but this time he sat in front of me. There was something in his hand, but I couldn't see what.

"It's not ready," he said. "I was hoping to give it to you for Christmas, or your birthday, maybe before summer, whenever it was done, but it'll have to do. You can only use it for tonight though because I want it back so I can finish it."

"What is it?" I asked.

"Here." Sirius handed me a necklace.

"What is it?" I looked at the circle shaped pendant.

"Umm, don't worry about it," Sirius said, "I'll tell you when it's done, but it'll give you protection for tonight."

Sirius had enchanted it to protect me?

"Won't it break during the transformation?" I asked.

Sirius tugged on the black solid chain holding the circle pendant. "It's elastic rubber," he said, "so it should flex and retract, I don't know, I guess we'll see."

"And this will protect me?" I asked, pulling it over my head, "how?"

Sirius' eyes were locked on the round disk of the necklace. It rested near my heart I noted. He seemed lost in thought.

"Russ," I said, "how does it work?"

He smiled at me. "That can wait too," he told me. "It's really nowhere near complete, but I'm certain it will protect you tonight."

That was good enough for me. I smiled, feeling my worry disappear fully for the first time since the last full moon.

Sirius may not like me in the same way I liked him, but he sure did care about me and maybe that was enough.

* * *

"It worked, it worked," I said, launching myself onto Sirius' bed. "What did you do? How did you do it?"

"Will you shut the fuck up?" James groaned. "It's Sunday."

I grabbed my wand and put up a silencing charm. My transformation had gone off without a hitch last night and it all had to do with Sirius' necklace.

"The wolf didn't even get riled up," I said, "it worked, thank you, Russ, but how did you do it?"

"I didn't," Sirius said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

When he was fully awake, his eyes roamed over every square inch of me.

"What do you mean you didn't?" I asked confused.

"I didn't charm it," Sirius said, "I didn't get to that point yet."

He hadn't? But that made no sense, it had kept me safe. I pulled the necklace off and did Irma's revealing spell on it. It glowed orange, he was right, it wasn't charmed.

"But how?" I asked.

"It's called the power of suggestion," Sirius said, taking the necklace back. I frowned, why did he have to take it back? "You can have it when it's done," he told me, catching my disappointment. "And power of suggestion is influencing someone's mental state by suggesting an idea to them. My mother uses it all the time."

"I don't get it," I said. How could the necklace not be enchanted but still work?

"I told you it would protect you and you assumed I had enchanted it to do so," Sirius said simply, "therefore you thought nothing bad would happen to you and the wolf seemed to believe this too. It means you're more connected to the wolf than you thought."

"You tricked me?" I said, still a little confused.

"Depends how you look at it," Sirius said, "but you wouldn't calm down and it's the only thing I could think to do."

"How did your mother use it?" I asked.

"Many ways." Sirius sighed, laying back down, as he played with the circle pendant on my necklace. I wanted it back so badly. "She used to tell me Reggie was in the other cell to keep me in line in the dungeon. She once convinced me that talking back made you go permanently blind... Just stupid things like that. All you have to do is make it convincible and pair it with something to reinforce it. For Reggie, I could hear him across the dungeon, but he was never really there. For going blind, I couldn't see for a week after talking back, but it was just a curse she used."

"But it works?" I asked. "Because the necklace protected me."

"Yeah, it works," Sirius said, "but only in certain situations and only for short term, but don't worry, Remy, once I'm finished with this necklace it'll do the job for real. The reason it kept you safe this time was because you believed it to be enchanted. You know what this means, right? It means your thoughts and feelings play a role in how the wolf acts."

He could be onto something, but I was too focused on the necklace to fully process what he was telling me.

"I could help you with the necklace," I said, "make it go twice as quick."

I really wanted that necklace back. I was starting to realize that I got attached to things very easily; Rensen, Padfoot, Sirius.

"No," Sirius said, "I've got it all worked out in my head. It'll be done by summer at the latest, I promise, and if not, you can have it anyway."

Summer? That was so far away. I wanted it now, I couldn't stop looking at it.

"Please, Remy," Sirius said, "I didn't even want you to know about it, I wanted it to be a surprise."

I could see how much this meant to him, so I decided to back off.

"Thank you for letting me use it," I said, "for tricking me," I smiled, I knew he didn't really trick me, "for keeping me safe."

"I'll always keep you safe," Sirius said. "Now, are you going to stop annoying me and get some sleep or what?"

Right, it was Sunday morning after all. I guess I should get some sleep, I made a move to leave.

"Where are you going?" Sirius asked.

I looked at him, he'd put the necklace away and his eyes were closed. Could I still do this? Lay with him when I knew he didn't want to be anything more than friends with me? I found it made it easier, there was no hidden expectations now, this was just how Sirius felt towards me as a friend.

I laid down next to him and Sirius pulled me to him so my head was resting against his chest.

"I'm glad you're back safe," Sirius said.

"Thanks to you," I replied.


	42. Finding the Perfect Gift

**Quest to Find the Perfect Gift**

"Are you getting Sirius anything for his birthday?" I asked James.

"Yeah, I'm throwing him a party in the common room on Friday night."

"And that's it?" I asked. "No other gift?"

"Nope."

Oh. I was trying to work out what to get Sirius for his birthday. He was always giving me gifts; chocolate, Rensen, his dragon hide jacket, his ' _be safe_ ' note, the necklace. I hadn't gotten him anything yet, but I wanted to. Sirius would be thirteen, he'd officially be a teenager and I wanted to mark that in some way.

"I'm going to the library," I said, seeing as though James was no help.

I entered the library and my plan was to seek Irma out, but Lily got to me first. I reluctantly sat down across from her and Snape.

"Hi," I said.

"Is it Sirius' birthday on Friday?" Lily asked me.

"Yeah, why?"

"Oh, I wasn't sure if it was real or just one of James' silly pranks," Lily said. "He's always trying to get me to do stuff with him, when will he grow up? Boys are so stupid."

"Please don't put me in the same category as him," Snape said, "I'm not stupid."

"Oh, of course not, Sev, I didn't mean you," Lily said.

"Was that all?" I asked, standing up.

"Why are you rushing off?" Snape asked critically.

"No reason," I said, pushing my chair in.

I scanned the library trying to find Irma, but I couldn't see her. Maybe she was in her office? Could I knock on her door? I knew she liked to put on a tough act in front of the students and I didn't want to ruin that. I thought of slamming a book or something but I couldn't willingly hurt one of her books. Maybe I could just knock and see.

I made sure no one was paying me any attention and I knocked on Irma's office door.

"Go away," she said and I smiled.

I opened the door and stuck my head in. "Do you have a minute?" I asked.

Her eyes met mine. "Sure, Remus, shut the door quickly."

I entered her office, it was cluttered from floor to ceiling with books and papers. I took the seat across from her and she pulled off her glasses.

"How can I help you?" she asked.

I'd missed how easy it was to talk to her.

"Sirius' birthday is coming up," I told her, "he's going to be thirteen and I can't think of what to get him."

"Okay," she said, "do you have any ideas at all?"

"Not really," I said, "Sirius is always so thoughtful when it comes to me, but I have no idea. I don't have any money either, so I'm limited."

"Remus, the best gifts cost no money," Irma said. "You could make him something."

"But what?" This shouldn't be this hard.

"What's going on?" Irma asked. "You seem torn up over this, it's just a gift, Remus."

How could she always tell?

"Sirius doesn't like me," I admitted and Irma scoffed. "It's true, James asked him if he liked me as more than a friend and Sirius said no."

"And how did you find out about this?" she asked.

"I overheard them."

"Hmm." Irma said. "I don't think you should believe it."

"Why not?"

"Boys aren't like girls, Remus," she said, "I seriously doubt Sirius would've told James that he liked you even if he did, which we know he does."

"But why would he lie?" I asked. "James said he'd be fine with it."

"You know thinking one thing and finding out it's the truth is completely different," she said. "If James asked if you liked Sirius would you have told him yes?"

"No." I would never put myself out there like that, but Sirius was different than me, he didn't care about those things.

"Exactly," Irma said, "that boy cares for you, Remus, I've told you that a million times. I bet he was lying."

"And if he wasn't?" I asked.

"Minds can be changed," she said, "I wouldn't worry about it. Are you even ready to be with him as a boyfriend?"

Was I?

"No," I mumbled.

"Exactly," Irma said, "so don't worry about it. Now, what are you going to do about this gift? I'm sure he'll appreciate anything you get him."

"I really have no idea."

"That's okay, we'll figure it out," she said. "Can you draw?"

"No."

"Write? Maybe a poem or a nice letter?"

"Ah, I don't think so."

"What about a photo?" she asked.

"A photo?"

"Yeah, maybe of you and Sirius." How would I even get that? "One of Rensen perhaps. Something else to do with Rensen?"

"Why is this so hard?" I asked.

"Because you love him," Irma said, "you care about what he's going to think. Here's a crazy idea, what if you gave him nothing?"

"Nothing? I couldn't do that, I bet Sirius expects a gift. Plus, he does so much for me and this is the one time I can return the favor without him telling me no like he so often does."

"Okay, we'll keep thinking then," Irma said. "What does he like?"

"I don't know, he doesn't really talk about himself like that. …He doesn't like chocolate, I know that. He, umm, likes to be alone, I guess. Umm… He likes Rensen and his dragon hide jacket."

"And why does he like Rensen and his jacket?"

"I don't know. Rensen's pretty cute so maybe that's why, and the jacket, maybe because everyone says he looks good in it. I don't know."

"Is there something you could offer him?" Irma asked. "Maybe you could help him on something, teach him a charm…" She sighed. "This is impossible."

"I know," I agreed, "it needs to be perfect."

"Isn't that Regulus boy his brother?" Irma said. "You could ask him, I'm sure he'd know what Sirius likes."

"I guess, but I'm not sure he likes me," I told her. "Every time I try and talk to him he ends up ignoring me and I have no idea why. Do you think Sirius told him I'm a werewolf?"

"No," Irma said, "I believe Sirius will take that secret to the grave with him. Try his brother, what do you have to lose? And in the meantime, keep thinking. How long do you have?"

"Until Friday."

"There you go," Irma said, "you've got plenty of time. Now, get out of here before people become suspicious."

"Thank you, Irma."

I left her office and Lily was on me.

"What were you doing in there for so long?" Lily asked.

"Umm, nothing, I just… I forgot to return a book and Ma-Madam Pince yelled at me and then she l-lectured me about it."

Lily laughed. "I can't believe you forgot to return a book."

"It-it was a good read," I said before hurrying off.

* * *

It took two days to corner Regulus, part of that was trying to find him alone and part of it was me working up the courage, but I was running out of time.

"Regulus?" I called out.

He turned around with a smile on his face, but when he saw it was me the smile disappeared.

I quickly approached him, skillfully backing him into a corner, hoping he wouldn't run before I got what I needed from him.

"Sirius' birthday is on Friday," I said.

Regulus sighed and crossed his arms against his chest. Okay, this was good, he wasn't trying to leave yet.

"Do you want to come to the party James is throwing in Gryffindor tower?" I asked. "I'm sure Sirius would like you to be there."

Regulus scoffed.

"What?" I said, but he stayed silent. "What's your problem with me?" I boldly asked.

He wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Regulus, please. Did I do something to you?"

"Me?" he questioned. "No."

"Then what is it?" I asked.

"What do you want?" He sighed.

"I'm trying to think of a birthday present for Sirius and I thought you might have some ideas."

"I thought you and my brother were friends," Regulus said.

"We are." What was he getting at?

"Sirius won't want anything from you," he said.

What did that mean?

"Regulus, please."

"You'd do best to leave him alone," Regulus said. "Do you mind?"

I didn't move, this couldn't be it.

"Why can't you help me?" I asked. "Don't you care about Sirius at all?"

"Don't you?" Regulus shot straight back.

"What's that supposed to me?" I asked. "Of course I care about Sirius."

"He told me you're the reason he's in Gryffindor and not Slytherin where he belongs."

"What?" That couldn't be right, how was that my fault?

"The Sorting Hat told him that you didn't want to lose your new friends and then he was placed in Gryffindor."

"I… That… I'm sure there were more factors than that," I said. This couldn't be my fault, could it? Did Sirius blame me for this? If Regulus knew Sirius must've told him. "Is this why you don't like me?" I asked.

"What are you two doing?" Sirius said.

Why did he have to interrupt us? I really wanted to know why Regulus didn't like me.

"Nothing," Regulus said, pushing past me and running off.

"What was that all about?" Sirius asked.

"Did the Sorting Hat place you in Gryffindor because of me?" I said and Sirius tensed up. "Do you blame me for everything?"

"What? No, of course not, Remy."

"But if I hadn't told the hat that I didn't want to lose you and James…" I trailed off.

Sirius sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. "That… That's not exactly how it happened. …I ...Umm…" Sirius was having trouble meeting my eyes. "The hat…" He grabbed my hand and pulled me away from everyone. "The hat gave me a choice," Sirius said, "Gryffindor or Slytherin."

"You got to choose?" I asked. "Why didn't you choose Slytherin?"

"Because… Umm…" Sirius sighed, his eyes meeting mine, "because you weren't in Slytherin."

So, he had been placed in Gryffindor because of me.

"I don't understand," I said. "Why would you choose me over Slytherin? We didn't even know each other that well. ...You were yelling at the hat, swearing, you didn't want to be in Gryffindor. I comforted you, you were so upset, that wasn't fake."

"It wasn't," Sirius agreed. "I acted the way I did towards the hat because I was expected to be in Slytherin, I was playing the part. When I got to the Gryffindor table my adrenaline wore off and what I just did hit me fully, what it meant, how my mother would react."

"Do you regret the choice you made?" I asked.

Sirius could've saved himself so much hurt, but he chose Gryffindor, he chose me.

"I did, especially after how my mother reacted," he said, "but that's all in the past now. I just… It wasn't all because of you, the hat, it… it said some things to me, it wanted to put me in both houses, it told me its reasons and then I decided. You were just one factor."

That made me feel a little better.

"Hey, Russ?" I said.

"Yeah?"

"What do you want for your birthday?"

"Nothing," he answered, just like I expected.

"Are you just saying that?" I asked. "Because I'd really like to get you something."

"There's nothing I want," he said, leading us back towards Gryffindor tower.

"Regulus told me to get you nothing, so did Irma actually."

Sirius froze. "You asked him about this, about my birthday?"

"Yeah, why?"

"What did he tell you?" Sirius asked. His face drained completely of its color and there was fear in his eyes.

"Sirius, what's wrong?" I asked, pulling him into an empty classroom. "Please, Russ, you're scaring me. He didn't tell me anything, he just said that you'd want nothing."

"Oh, okay, then don't worry about it." Sirius tried to leave.

"Don't you trust me?" I asked. "I mean, I'm as honest as I can be about what I'm going through, but you always avoid telling me things."

"It's because you don't need to know," Sirius said, "no one needs to know. I just… I want to keep you good, Remy, I don't want to taint you with my bullshit life."

"It won't taint me," I said, "just trust me."

Sirius sighed. "I… I haven't celebrated a birthday since I was seven."

Was he serious right now? But what about last year? I hadn't done anything because I hadn't known about it. Professor Binns was the one who had let it slip, he was telling me about some troll war that happened on November third and then he mentioned I could easily remember the date because it was the same date as Sirius' birthday.

"What happened?" I asked, standing directly in front of him.

Sirius sat down on one of the chairs. "It's not important," he said.

I grabbed another chair and pulled it close to him. "What happened?" I asked softly.

Sirius started playing with the zip on his jacket. "It was the day of my seventh birthday," he said, "I was at the park near my house and I told my friend it was my birthday... They gave me a birthday kiss. Apparently, it's a thing Muggles do, I didn't know about it. My mother caught us and she wasn't happy.

"I tried to explain what it was to her, but she wouldn't listen, she kept ranting about blood-purity and how we're not allowed to mix with Muggles. I kept telling her it was a birthday kiss and nothing else. She finally listened and she told me that because it was a birthday kiss and because my traitorous act happened on my birthday that my birthday no longer existed."

Would Sirius' mother ever get what was coming to her?

"So, you haven't…" I trailed off, unsure on what to say.

"Not one since," he said. "I was ignored completely on that day, confined to my room. Sometimes Reggie would look my way and nod. He couldn't say anything out loud in case she heard, but it was his way of wishing me a happy birthday. ...Reggie's birthdays were always the hardest, he got everything he asked for, but I like to see him happy, so it wasn't that bad."

"Do you really want nothing?" I asked, knowing the full meaning behind that now. How could his mother deny him his birthday just because a Muggle kissed him? It was incredulous.

"I don't know," Sirius admitted. "It's been six years since it happened, five birthdays, almost six, it's what I know."

"James is throwing you a surprise party," I blurted out. I felt as though Sirius needed to know ahead of time considering everything.

"I know," he said, "James is too loud for his own good. I'm not worried, he can have his party if he wants, but I won't be there."

"Where will you be?" I didn't like the idea of Sirius spending his birthday alone, not now, not ever again.

"I figure if I take James' cloak then I can go anywhere I want," he said. "I was thinking about maybe making the trip to Hogsmeade, I don't know, but either way I'll be as far away from Gryffindor Tower as I can be."

"James isn't going to be happy about this," I said.

"He's only throwing the party to get closer to Lily," Sirius shrugged, "he could care less about my birthday, unlike you... I still can't believe you asked my brother for gift ideas."

"Well," I smiled, "I went to James first but he was terrible, then I went to Irma and still didn't get anywhere, Regulus wasn't much help either."

"And then you asked me." Sirius laughed.

"Yeah, I probably should've done that to begin with, but I really wanted to get you something as a surprise."

Sirius smiled at me. "I don't ever want anything from you," he said.

I frowned. "Why not?"

"I just don't."

"Russ," I pleaded. Would he ever be straight with me?

"It's because you give me more than enough."

Oh, but I wanted to give him something.

"Nothing?" I asked.

Sirius met my eyes. "I guess there's one thing."

I sat up straighter. Yes, anything. Sirius laughed.

"Spend my birthday with me?" he asked shyly.

It wasn't a gift per se, but it's what he wanted.

"I can do that," I told him.


	43. Sirius' 13th Birthday

**Sirius' 13** **th** **Birthday**

"Happy birthday, mate," James screamed, waking us all up.

Sirius groaned and buried his head underneath his pillow.

"Come on," James said, "open your gift."

"Gift?" I questioned. "I thought you weren't getting him anything."

"I wasn't," James said, "but then I found the perfect thing… Come on, Sirius, don't you want to know what it is?"

"No," Sirius said.

James jumped on Sirius' bed and Rensen flew over to me to get out of the way. Sirius grabbed hold of his pillow, but it was no match against James' dominating position. James pulled the pillow away and hit Sirius with it.

"Come on," James pleaded, "I put a lot of thought into it."

"Fine," Sirius gritted out, sitting up, "where is it?"

"Here." James handed Sirius a small wrapped present.

I sat up in my own bed wanting to see what it was. Now I felt bad for not getting Sirius anything, but he said didn't want anything from me.

Sirius reluctantly, yet quickly ripped the paper off.

"Do you like it?" James asked.

"What is it?" Peter asked, trying to see from the other side of the room.

"It's a Sneakoscope," James said.

"Is this a joke?" Sirius asked. "They alert you when someone is doing something untrustworthy nearby... Have you met me?"

"Exactly," James said.

"I don't get it," Sirius said.

"Me either." I sat on the edge of my bed with Rensen on my lap. Rensen seemed oddly curious as to what was happening with his other master. "Wouldn't the complete opposite be useful," I said, "something that alerts you two knuckleheads to when a teacher or a prefect's nearby ready to catch you in the act?"

"Hmm, right," James said, "well, I'm sure you can still find a use for it, I heard you can enchant them to work in different ways, say, alert you to when a certain someone is nearby. I have a pocket Sneakoscope and it goes off every time Snape's approaching. See, it can be useful."

"Thanks, mate," Sirius said, but I could tell it was forced.

"I-I have something too," Peter said, approaching our side of the room cautiously. "Umm, it's for Remus too."

Peter threw the present on Sirius' bed and Sirius opened it. Inside was a bar of chocolate which Sirius handed straight to me.

"It's, umm, to replace the one I took," Peter said. "I really am sorry about that, it will never happen again."

This time I could see the complete sincerity behind Peter's words.

"Thank you, Peter," I said.

He met my eyes for the first time in a long while.

"Peter, by the way," I added, "the curse is no longer up so you can come near our beds again, but trust me when I say it's not hard to put back up, so please respect our space and belongings."

"I will, Remus, I promise."

Sirius smiled proudly at me.

"Does anyone want a piece of chocolate?" I asked, opening the bar and breaking off a piece.

James and Peter took one.

"How about you, birthday boy?" I asked Sirius and then I froze. I wasn't supposed to say that, Sirius didn't like chocolate or to celebrate his birthday.

"Sure," Sirius said, still smiling, "but just a small piece, Remy."

"Yes, he did it," James announced, jumping off Sirius' bed, "pay up, Peter."

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"Pete didn't believe me when I told him that you two have nicknames for each other, so I bet him that one of you would slip up in front of us."

"How do you even know about them in the first place?" Sirius asked and I had to agree. We'd been careful to only use them in private.

"Two words," James said smugly, "invisibility cloak."

"You have an invisibility cloak?" Peter asked and James groaned.

Sirius and I laughed. James' cockiness had tripped him up once again.

James left the room and Peter followed him.

"Sorry about before," I said, picking up Rensen and sitting on Sirius' bed with him, "I didn't mean to call you a birthday boy, it just slipped out."

"Never apologize to me, Remy."

Yet another thing he didn't want me to do.

"Russ?"

"Hmm."

"Why are you always treating me different to everyone else?" I asked. "Telling me to never apologize, or to never get you anything."

"I thought we already talked about this," Sirius said, getting out of bed, "I want to make sure you stay good, that's all."

"But those things won't change who I am," I said. "Are you sure it's not because of something else?"

Sirius' eyes narrowed, he looked upset. I dropped my head and stared at Rensen.

Sirius sighed. "Please don't worry about why I say things like that, just know that it's the truth and what I want. If you're that worried I can treat you like everyone else."

I didn't want that.

"No," I said, "I was just curious is all, but if you're not ready to share the real reason I understand."

"Remy," Sirius stood in front of me and lifted my head, "there's so much I could say to you, but now's not the right time. Be patient, okay, the wait will be worth it." Sirius stepped away.

What did that mean? Why did he always have to be so cryptic? I watched him as he got dressed for the day. Was he talking about his home life, did he want to tell me about it fully, but he wasn't ready yet? Something else? Something to do with me? No, he was always upfront with me about that, I could tell, it had to be something else.

* * *

Classes ended for the day and Sirius and I managed to slip away from James and Peter. It was easy on my part because James had asked me to keep Sirius away from the common room while he set up for the party tonight, only problem, he didn't know that Sirius already knew about it and that Sirius wasn't going to attend.

"What do you want to do?" I asked.

"Don't know," Sirius said. "Buttons wanted me to come to the kitchen, but no good can come from that."

"She probably baked you something for your birthday," I said, thinking of the house elf Sirius had befriended in his first year.

"Exactly," Sirius said.

"If it's cake," I said, "I could go for a piece. Plus, you've gotta get your birthday wish somehow."

"Birthday wish?" Sirius questioned.

"Yeah," I said, "when you blow out the candles on your cake you get one wish and apparently it comes true. I think it's silly, but then again maybe I just wish for the wrong thing."

"And what do you wish for on your birthday?" Sirius asked.

"To be normal," I said, "just a wizard, not a werewolf… It's stupid and impossible, maybe if I asked for something simpler it'd come true. I could try this year, I guess."

"Can you blow out my candles and take my wish?" Sirius asked.

"I don't think it works that way," I said, "it has to be your wish."

"What if you told me your wish and I wished it for you?"

I shook my head no.

"What if I wished that you could have my wish?"

It was sweet that he was trying so hard to give me his wish.

"Russ, the wish is yours, no one else's. Isn't there something you'd wish for?" I asked.

Sirius frowned and was quiet for a while.

"I guess there's a couple of things," he said, "wishing my mother would leave me alone would be one, but that's probably like your wolf one, impossible."

"You could always try," I said, "you never know. Plus, if Buttons has already made you the cake then you may as well try."

"Do I have to eat the cake for the wish to work?" Sirius asked.

"I don't think so," I said. "Don't you like cake?"

"Not really."

First he doesn't like chocolate and now he doesn't like cake, let's hope Buttons didn't make him a chocolate cake. My mouth was watering just thinking about it. I'd like a chocolate cake for my birthday, maybe I could get Sirius to ask Buttons to make me one... I was getting too far ahead of myself, we didn't even know if Buttons had baked a cake.

"Can we go to the kitchen?" I asked.

"Sure," Sirius said.

We entered the kitchen and my eyes landed on the biggest cake I'd ever seen, it wasn't chocolate, but it still looked mouthwatering.

"A birthday cake for you, Mr. Black," Buttons said, bowing. "Do you like it?"

"Very much so," Sirius said. "Do you have any candles, Buttons?"

"Of course, Sir, let me go and get them."

"It's cake," I said, smiling widely, excitement coursing through me.

"It is," Sirius agreed, his eyes not leaving mine. "I'm assuming you like cake."

"Yes," I answered too quickly and he laughed. "Can you get me a chocolate one for my birthday?" I asked. "It doesn't have to be as big as this, and if you do, you don't have to get me anything else." I hated how desperate I sounded, but it was the promise of chocolate cake.

"Of course," Sirius said, "whatever you want, you get."

Whatever I wanted? I wanted him, was it as simple as asking him and he'd give himself to me? I shook my head, it could never be that simple.

"Here you are, Mr. Black." Buttons handed him the candles.

"You do it," Sirius said, "you're the one who knows how this works."

I took the candles and carefully put thirteen of them on the level that was closest to Sirius' head so he wouldn't have to struggle to meet them. When I was done, I lit them with my wand and stepped back.

"Are you sure this works?" Sirius asked.

"It's a legend," I said, "and all legends have some truth to them. What do you have to lose?"

He nodded his head and stepped towards the cake. I watched him intently as he stared at the candles with his brow furrowed. I wondered what he'd wish for. Sirius' face smoothed out and then he blew out the candles.

"How do I know if it worked?" he asked.

"Well, that depends," I said, "if you didn't wish for it to happen right now then you have to wait. Oh, and you can't tell anyone or the wish becomes void."

"That seems stupid."

"I didn't make up the rules," I said. "So, did you wish for whatever it was to happen right now?"

"No," he said, "though in hindsight that would've made more sense."

"There's always next year," I said.

"Yeah," Sirius smiled, "there's always next year."

* * *

I ate five pieces of Sirius' cake and I regretted nothing. Sirius took one bite and only because I forced him by shoving it in his mouth when he yawned, I regretted nothing and especially not the cake fight that happened next. The perfect, delicious cake was completely destroyed. It was a good thing though, otherwise I may have eaten the whole thing.

"You think it's late enough?" Sirius whispered as we headed back to Gryffindor Tower.

We had spend a lot of the evening in the kitchen and then we'd snuck out to the Whomping Willow to Sirius' hiding spot. It was currently two am and we couldn't wait any longer for James' party to end, it was getting too cold and we couldn't risk being caught out of bed by Filch, Dumbledore or McGonagall.

"Surely," I said, but knowing James I had a feeling the party was still going. We'd find out soon enough.

We entered through the portrait hole and the party was still in full swing. Sirius sighed and turned around, I stopped him.

"Surely we can sneak up to bed," I said, but Sirius wasn't convinced. "It's just a party," I told him, "your party, everyone will want to see you. Can't you just give James what he wants for a little while?"

"I didn't think you were the partying type," Sirius said.

"I'm not," I said, "but it's your birthday."

"Technically my birthday ended two hours ago," Sirius said.

"Exactly," I smiled, "so this isn't your birthday party at all, it's just a party."

This seemed to convince Sirius and we entered the common room.

"Sirius," everyone cheered.

"What the hell?" James said, rounding on us. "Remus, I told you to bring him back here by nine and that was seventeen hours ago."

Seventeen hours? I shook my head, it was only five hours ago.

"Sorry, James," I said, "we got lost."

James eyed me critically. "Okay," he accepted. "Now the real party can start." James wrapped his arm around Sirius and pulled him over to the Butterbeers.

I saw this as my chance and headed for the stairs.

"Remus," Lily called out.

I was so close, I turned back around.

"Yes?" I asked.

"Dance with me," she said enthusiastically, grabbing my hands and pulling me over to the makeshift dancefloor. Was there alcohol here? Lily seemed buzzed.

I tried to pull away from her, but she wouldn't let me go, she was just pulling my arms back and forth awkwardly. I looked around the room, trying to find someone to help me. My eyes fell on James and he didn't look happy. _'Help me_ ', I mouthed to him and he seemed to relax, coming over to us.

"May I cut in?" James asked smoothly.

Lily looked like she was considering it for a moment before she gave him her answer. "No, I'm dancing with Remus."

"I, umm," I said, finally able to pull out of her grasp. "Thanks for the dance, Lily, bye." I ran to the opposite side of the common room.

Sirius laughed beside me and handed me a Butterbeer. "If I didn't know any better," he said, "I'd think that Lily likes you."

That couldn't be right.

"Well, I don't like her like that," I blurted out.

"Oh, come on now," Sirius said, "I saw you dancing with her, it was like two lovers and not at all like the red-head was forcing the awkward werewolf."

Awkward werewolf? I didn't know if that was an insult or a cute nickname.

"Did James enchant the Butterbeer?" I asked.

"Don't know," Sirius said, "but I'm feeling good."

I bet James did. I ran my wand over the glass of Butterbeer Sirius had handed me and it turned blue, it had been charmed. What had James done? Whatever it was clearly hadn't helped him gain Lily's affection, but it was definitely doing something to those who were drinking it.

"Wanna dance?" Sirius asked.

"No," I answered before I could process his request. I didn't want to dance at all, but then I realized what I'd just denied myself; a chance to be close to Sirius, to maybe even touch him, move my body with his… Oh no, not now. "Umm, excuse me." I turned my back to him.

"Your loss," Sirius said, walking over to the dancefloor and dancing by himself.

What was that? I… It… It moved, when I was thinking about Sirius… Down there… My private parts... What did this mean?

"Are you okay, Remus?" Peter asked me.

"Umm, yeah," I said, "I'm okay." Things downstairs had already settled down thankfully. "I just… I think I'm going to go to bed."

"Whoo," everyone cheered and my eyes landed on the scene that was currently happening on the dancefloor.

Sirius was there and he was kissing Halley. No. My heart sank. Why hadn't I agreed to dance with him?

My hand wrapped around my wand before I could blink, anger coursing through me, how dare she touch what's mine. She needed to pay.


	44. Truth and Desires

**Truth and Desires**

 _"Whoo," everyone cheered and my eyes landed on the scene that was currently happening on the dancefloor._

 _Sirius was there and he was kissing Halley. No. My heart sank. Why hadn't I agreed to dance with him?_

 _My hand wrapped around my wand before I could blink, anger coursing through me, how dare she touch what's mine. She needed to pay._

"Petrificus Totalus."

My arms and legs snapped to my body and I went completely rigid. Someone had cursed me, but I wasn't sure who. There were too many people in the room. My eyes were free to move but they were locked on Sirius. He pulled away from Halley and rushed over to me, catching me before I hit the ground.

"Who did this?" he roared, still holding onto my frozen form. "Who?" he demanded. "No one's leaving until I find out. Undo it or things will be worse for you."

There was dead silence, but then I was free. No one had spoken, who was advanced enough to know how to preform a non-verbal spell? My form slumped in Sirius' arms and he lowered me to the floor.

"Who did this?" Sirius asked again, not leaving my side.

My brain was still trying to catch up, being frozen wasn't like I thought it'd be at all.

"Sirius, calm down, mate," James said, coming over to us.

Peter knelt beside me too and Sirius stood up.

"Who did it?" Sirius asked, looking everyone over. "And why did you do it?"

I sat up slowly, rolling my head from side-to-side. Who had frozen me and why? What was happening right before? …Oh, right, Sirius was kissing Halley. I dropped my head.

"Maybe you should take him upstairs," Lily said to James as she came and sat with me.

"Lily's right," James said, "come on, mate." He grabbed Sirius.

"I don't want to go upstairs," Sirius said and the crowd took this clear change of course as their chance to disperse. "Someone needs to confess," he said. "Why would anyone hurt Remus?"

"Mate," James said, "he's fine, look at him."

Our eyes met and Sirius was furious.

"He's not fine," Sirius said, "look at him, he's completely pale."

"Take him away, James," Lily said, "or we're leaving."

James looked torn. "Come on, mate," he said, trying to pull Sirius away, "let's go get some air or something."

"Go," I said softly to Sirius, "I'm fine, I'll be up soon."

Sirius looked resigned as James managed to pull him away. When he was gone it was just me, Peter and Lily in the common room, everyone else had gone up to their rooms.

"Peter," Lily said, "how about you go and check if James needs any help."

"Okay," he said, leaving us.

What was going on? Sirius and Halley? Who had initiated the kiss? Did it even matter? How long had they been kissing for before I saw them? How could he do this to me?

"You're okay," Lily said, "it was just a full body-bind curse."

I looked at her, how did she know what it was? ...Unless she was the one who cast it.

"Why?" I asked.

Lily shrugged. "I saw you," she said, "I saw you reach for your wand, I had to stop you, Remus."

"But why?" I asked.

"You were blinded by jealousy," Lily said, "and I hate to think what you would've done to Halley."

"That wasn't why I did it," I said, dropping my head again.

"Remus," she said, "I know you like Sirius, I've known for a while now."

"Yeah, well," I said, "he doesn't like me so it doesn't matter."

Lily wrapped her arm around my shoulders. "Don't get yourself down," she said, "first love can be tough. There was this boy back home, Billy, and I was head-over-heels in love with him. I thought he liked me back, we got close, we shared a couple of kisses, but then he left me for Cheryl. It was tough, but life moves on."

"I don't want life to move on," I said, "I can't even imagine being with anyone other than him."

"Do you only like boys?" Lily asked.

"Why are you asking me?" I said. "You don't like me, do you?"

"No, Remus," she said, "only as a friend." That was a relief. "So, are you gay?" she asked.

"He's the first boy I've liked," I told her, "so I don't know. I just… if he's not it… my life is over."

"That's a bit dramatic," Lily said, "I'm sure it's just a crush, your first crush. I'm sure you'll fall in love with someone else one day and laugh about this."

I doubted that.

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" I asked. "Because it's not."

"Are you still thinking about Sirius kissing Halley?" Lily asked.

I hadn't been, but now I was. Maybe Lily was right, maybe this was just a crush and I could move on, with time.

"Thank you," I said, "for stopping me. I didn't want to hurt her, but sometimes I just get so angry."

"Jealous," Lily corrected.

"No," I said, "angry. I'm sure jealousy was involved this time, but it's always anger that sets me off."

"Let's get off the floor," she said.

We stood up and she led us over to the couches by the fire.

"Can I get you anything?" she asked. "Maybe some hot chocolate?" My eyes widened, that sounded good. Lily laughed. "Okay," she said, "I'll be right back."

Lily left and I sunk back into the couch cushions, looking at the flames dancing in the fireplace. I loved Sirius, didn't I? I did, but was it just a crush? A first love? Would I move on and find someone else? Would Halley and Sirius date now? I didn't know if I could deal with that. Why was this so hard?

"Here." Lily handed me a cup of hot chocolate.

I took a sip and it made me feel better instantly. "Thanks," I said.

"How are you feeling now?" she asked.

"I don't know," I said, "depressed, heartbroken."

"I don't know Sirius well," she said, "and I don't know your relationship with him well, only what I've witnessed and it's what I'd describe as close friends, but what I do know is that Sirius is completely different from you. You're too good for him."

I bit my tongue. I wasn't too good for him and we weren't as different as Lily thought.

"Don't let him corrupt you, Remus."

That's the exact fear Sirius had when it came to me. Why was everyone so worried about me? What about Sirius? How could I, a werewolf, not be the one to corrupt him, to taint him? …Because he'd already been tainted. My face fell, but no one knew this, Sirius kept that side of him buried deep.

"He's not going to corrupt me," I said, "and he's different than what you think. He cares about me."

"As a friend," Lily said softly. "Remus, I don't want you to get hurt, but if you keep pursuing him that's exactly what's going to happen. Take tonight, it was just one kiss, what happens when Sirius branches out more, it's going to destroy you and I don't want that. You need to protect your heart."

"It's too late for that," I said. I was already in too deep.

"Let him go," Lily said.

"I don't want to."

"Even if he doesn't like you?" Lily questioned. "Even if he dates Halley? Even if he gets married to someone? …Remus, you're willingly torturing yourself."

How was this any different to the torture the wolf put me through?

"And what if you're wrong?" I asked. "What if everyone's wrong about him? What if he likes me just as much as I like him?"

"Then why did he kiss Halley?" Lily said simply.

"James' Butterbeer," I said desperately, "he enchanted it, I don't know what with, but I know he did."

"You're right," Lily said, "he did enchant it."

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"James wanted me to perform the spell," Lily said, "and because I saw no harm in it, I did it."

"What was it?" I asked.

"James wanted everyone to have a good time," Lily said, "for them to be brave enough to act on their true desires. The more you drink, the deeper your desires become. …I didn't drink any, but everyone else did. Don't you see, Remus, he was acting on his true desires. If he liked you, then you're the one he would've kissed."

That couldn't be right, we hadn't been there that long, Sirius hadn't consumed that much Butterbeer.

"What if it was Halley's desire and not his?" I said. That made more sense, she was the one who liked him so of course it would be a desire of hers to kiss him.

"Then why did he kiss her back?" Lily said.

Why was Lily shooting down all of my theories? I knew she was just trying to protect me, but I didn't want that. I'd rather have someone on my side, even if I was living in denial. Irma thought Sirius liked me, but maybe Lily was right, maybe it was just as a close friend and nothing more. I sighed.

"Go to bed," Lily said, "it's been a rough night."

She left me and I finished off my hot chocolate, not knowing what to think. I sighed again, dropping my head into my hands. Could I learn to let him go? Did I even want that? Couldn't I just live in denial? I liked it here. Maybe I could ignore Lily and just focus on those who we're on mine and Sirius' side… Keep living in denial.

This was getting me nowhere, so I headed upstairs to bed. It had been a long day, very bittersweet. I had such a great time celebrating Sirius' birthday with him and then everything went to hell.

The lights were out in our dorm and everyone appeared to be asleep. I didn't think Lily and I were downstairs that long, but then I remembered that they'd all been drinking Butterbeer and it was nearing three am. It was late.

I quietly made my way over to my bed and starting disrobing. When I was done, I pulled back my bedcovers. A weird noise caught my attention from Sirius' bed and I tiptoed over to him. It sounded like he was crying.

"Are you okay?" I whispered, resting my hand on his shoulder.

Sirius tensed up and pulled away from me. What was going on?

"Sirius," I said.

He moved away again and pulled the covers over his head.

What was going on? Should I leave him? Should I stay and comfort him? I wanted to comfort him, but would a close friend do that? What about what Lily had said? I decided none of it mattered, not right now, not when Sirius had been crying.

I pulled his covers up and slid into his bed behind him. Sirius tensed again and I hated it. I wrapped my arms around him and he turned around, burying his head against my chest. Sirius started shaking and I could hear his soft sobs. I ran my hand through his hair.

What was going on? What had upset him this much? I knew he'd never tell me, I was just glad he was letting me hold him right now. I buried my face in his hair, holding him tighter. I didn't say anything, I just kept him close.

In this moment in time, I didn't care what Lily had said or what Sirius had done, I just cared that I was the one he showed this side of himself to. No one knew him like I did, no one.


	45. Close your Eyes

**Close your Eyes**

"Sirius, you were crying," I said.

"Leave it alone, Remus."

"I can't," I told him, "you'd want to know the reason if it was me, don't tell me otherwise. What upset you so much on the night of your birthday?"

I'd been trying to get this information out of Sirius for almost two weeks, but he wasn't co-operating. I understood why he didn't want to share, but Sirius didn't cry, it wasn't him, which meant that whatever happened was important and I wasn't going to leave it alone. I needed to know what was making him suffer.

"Okay, fine," Sirius said, "but I don't want you saying anything or asking any questions."

That wasn't fair, but I needed to know, so I agreed.

"I, umm, I was dancing alone," Sirius said, petting Rensen on his lap, "I was having a good time, then… she was kissing me. I… It took too long for me to realize it was Halley. I didn't want to kiss her, and then someone cursed you and… my focus shifted, you were my only concern. Once James took me to bed, I remembered the kiss. I… The last time I was kissed I lost my birthday, this time, you were cursed, but it's more than that. I didn't want to kiss her. ...I feel as though she took advantage of me. I know it's stupid and probably not true, but it's just how I feel."

I wasn't expecting Sirius to go into so much detail. I was overjoyed that he didn't kiss Halley or want to kiss her, but I hated that it was tearing him up inside.

"It was just a coincidence," I said, "that two bad things happened on your two kisses. It's not a curse or anything."

"How do you know?" Sirius asked. "My mother could've cursed me and we'd never know."

"But why would she do that?"

"Because she caught me kissing a Muggle," Sirius shot back.

Okay, so there was some reasoning behind his thoughts, but I doubted it was true.

"You just need to kiss someone else," I said, "that way you can see if you're cursed or not."

Sirius was thoughtful for a moment. "Kiss me," he said.

"What?" I asked, taking a step away from his bed, away from him.

"Kiss me," Sirius repeated, "then we'll know."

"I'm… I'm not sure that's a good idea." …It was a great idea, but I couldn't put myself out like that. Why would I kiss him when it'd never happen again? "Can't you find someone else?" I asked. "A girl perhaps?"

"Remus, you're right here," Sirius said, "I don't understand what the big deal is. I'm not going to stick my tongue down your throat if that's what you're worried about, I'm just going kiss you."

"I… I'm not sure," I said. "I've never kissed anyone before. Shouldn't it mean something, you know, my first kiss?"

"Remus, I'm not going to force you, but why the fuck is this an issue?"

Why was he calling me Remus so much? Did I want him to kiss me? My first kiss. I always imagined my first kiss would be with someone I loved, someone I was dating… If I was ever lucky to date. Maybe I should take this opportunity, I loved Sirius and what if I never got another chance.

"Forget it," Sirius said, standing up.

"Wait," I said, "give me a minute here."

Sirius sat back down on his bed.

Could I do this for him? I was certain that the curse didn't exist and kissing Sirius would show him this. It was the simplest course of action and if Sirius and I ended up together then what did it matter? It wasn't even a proper kiss, just a small one. I had to do it, I knew I'd regret it otherwise.

"Okay," I said shakily and Sirius' eyes drilled into mine, they were full of hope.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Yeah." I sighed.

Sirius jumped up and went over to James' trunk, what was he doing?

"James' cloak," Sirius said, grabbing it out, "that way no one will see us."

Of course he wouldn't want to be seen kissing me. Maybe this was a bad idea, but I couldn't back out now.

Sirius sat back on his bed and waited for me to join him.

I was about to kiss Sirius Black… I couldn't believe it. My first kiss with my first love. Would it be all that I thought it'd be? Would I regret this? Would this make things harder?

"Stop thinking," Sirius said.

Right, smart. I climbed onto the bed and Sirius threw the cloak over us. This was it. My palms started to sweat and I was having trouble meeting Sirius' eyes.

"Remy," Sirius said softly, resting his hand on my cheek and guiding my head up, "you don't have to do this, you know that, right? The kiss doesn't mean anything, I just need to know."

"Umm, I know that," I said, "it's okay, I can do it for you."

Sirius sighed, but said nothing,

"Close your eyes," he whispered.

I did. I didn't want to see it coming. I didn't want to back away in fear or do anything wrong. It was hard waiting in the dark, not knowing when Sirius was going to kiss me, if he was.

Sirius' warm lips met mine and I froze, this was it, I was kissing Sirius, the boy I loved. If only I knew what to do, how to kiss someone, I'd never thought about it before. His lips pressed harder against mine so I did the same thing in return. Sirius' hand left my cheek and snaked around to the back of my neck, pulling my mouth closer to his.

This was a long kiss, right? Or had time slowed down? Sirius pulled away a fraction, but then his lips were back on mine again, they were in a slightly different position this time though. I kept my hands on my thighs, I didn't know what to do. This wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I could smell Sirius and he smelled so sweet.

Sirius pulled back for good this time and I blinked my eyes, focusing on his gray ones. Wow, that was good, when could we do it again? …Never. My whole world came crushing down around me, but I tried not to let it show. I didn't want him to think the curse was real.

"Are you okay?" Sirius asked.

I nodded my head, not trusting myself to speak.

"Was that okay?" he asked. "I… I think you're right, nothing bad has happened yet and the last two times it happened during the kiss, so…"

"I-I told you," I said, pulling back, "you're not cursed, you have nothing to worry about."

I threw the cloak off of me.

"Where are you going?" Sirius asked.

"I've gotta… go study," I said, grabbing the first book I could find and running from the room.

I had kissed Sirius Black and it was good, but it wouldn't happen again.

"Are you okay?" Lily asked me.

"Umm, yeah, fine," I said.

"Are you going to the library?" she asked. "I'll come with you."

"Ah, okay," I said.

We walked out of Gryffindor Tower together.

"You look a little flushed," she told me.

"Umm, yeah, I was just getting some exercise."

"Up in your dorm?" Lily asked confused.

"Yeah, jumping jacks."

"Oh," Lily accepted my lie, "how's the rest of your life going?" she asked. "You know, since our last talk? I haven't really seen you and Sirius together as much."

That was because Sirius had been avoiding me and my questions about him crying, but we were past that point now, way past. Sirius had kissed me, I knew it was just to see if the curse was real or not, but he kissed me. He clearly had no problem kissing a boy, but was that because it was only me, his friend? Or some other reason? I needed to know.

"Hey," I said, "do you know anything about Veritaserum?"

"Isn't that the truth serum Professor Slughorn was talking about?" Lily asked.

"Yeah."

"No, not really," she said, "Sev might though, he's the best at Potions."

If I could just get some of this truth serum then I could ask Sirius whatever I wanted and he'd have to tell me the truth. Maybe I could ask him what the kiss meant to him. Was that a good idea?

"Do you think Severus would make it for me?" I asked.

Lily laughed. "Probably not."

Of course, James' doing no doubt. Severus always looked at me the same way he looked at James, with hatred.

"I bet he'd make it for you though," I said, "can you ask him? It's really important."

"Remus, this isn't very moralistic," Lily said, "you can't just go around forcing the truth out of people. What if someone did it to you?"

She was right. What was I thinking? If someone used it on me then I would be forced to tell them I was a werewolf and that I was in love with Sirius Black, but I couldn't take this uncertainty anymore. I needed to know if Sirius liked me or not. If he didn't then I could move on with my life no matter how painful that may be, and if he did… I don't know.

"Just ask him for me," I said. I could always change my mind once I had the truth serum, if I had the truth serum.

"Okay," Lily accepted, "but I don't agree with this, Remus."


	46. Truth Serum

**Truth Serum**

"Here," Lily said, pulling me to the side of the hallway and pushing something into my hand.

It was a small glass vial with a small amount of clear liquid in it.

"Is this it?" I asked. "I thought Professor Slughorn said it took twenty-eight days to make."

"Maybe Sev already had it," Lily shrugged, "either way, this is it. I still don't think you should use it, but you can make your own decision. And, Remus, please don't ask me to do this again. If you need something from Sev then you need to ask him."

"Okay," I said, "thank you."

Lily rushed off to breakfast.

I looked at the vial, there wasn't much in it, was this enough? Was this even it? I doubted Snape would have a reason to lie to Lily so it must be.

There may be drawbacks to using it on Sirius, but I was so convinced that this was the only way. I needed to know, I needed to save my sanity.

I walked into the great hall and Sirius wasn't here yet, but James was. I sat down across from him. Now all I needed to do was find a way to get the serum into Sirius' drink. Sometimes he sat next to me, sometimes he sat next to James. I only had one shot at this.

I needed to take a calculated risk. James was busy staring at Lily so I uncapped the vial and quickly poured it into the cup next to James. Sirius always had a drink with his breakfast, sometimes that's all he had. I looked around nervously when I was done, but no one had noticed me.

"James," I said, once I was settled back in my seat, "you should ask Sirius to sit next to you today." James cocked his eyebrow. "He's missing you, I think," I added.

"Okay," James accepted, turning back to Lily.

I hoped that was enough. I had too many variables, what if someone else sat there? What if Sirius sat beside me? What if he didn't have a drink today of all days? But it needed to be done this way. I couldn't expose that I'd done it, he could never know it was me.

I tried not to fidget too much as I piled my plate high with food. Sirius always liked to sleep in, but I hoped he'd be here soon. I spent most of my time watching James try to get Lily's attention but failing.

Sirius finally made his way in and he took a seat next to me. My plan was already failing. I kicked James under the table and he looked at me with a glare before he noticed Sirius.

"Sirius, mate," James said, "come sit over here with me."

Sirius looked at me and I shrugged.

"Mate," James whined, "come sit with me."

Sirius groaned, knowing the fight wasn't worth it, and sat next to James.

"Hi, buddy," James wrapped his arm around Sirius' shoulders, "I've missed you."

Sirius shrugged his arm off. "We saw each other this morning, you prat."

"Didn't you miss me too?" James asked.

I tried to focus on my food, Sirius was now sitting where he needed to be, but he still had to take a drink.

I caught movement out the corner of my eye as Sirius picked the cup up. I tensed, looking at James, not daring to look at Sirius. I could see his movements in my peripheral vision. Sirius brought the cup to his mouth and downed about half of it before he frowned and stared at the glass.

I looked at him, just for a beat. Sirius didn't look happy and he was staring too intently at the glass. Did he know it was tainted? But how? Veritaserum was colorless and odorless, there's no way he could know. …But Sirius had been through so much at home, and then it hit me, his mother, there's no way she wouldn't have used Veritaserum on him at some point. I was so screwed.

"James, drink up," Sirius said, forcing the cup into James' hand.

James was confused, but he downed the rest of it.

"Who do you love?" Sirius asked him.

"Lily Evans," James sighed and everyone snickered, everyone but Sirius and me.

"And what do you love most about her?" Sirius asked, still frowning.

"Everything," James said, half doped up, he was definitely under the influence of Veritaserum, "but I like her eyes best, they're just so green and beautiful."

Lily flushed red. "What's going on?" she asked. "What's wrong with him?"

I couldn't let her work out that James had taken the truth serum, all she'd have to do is look at me or accuse me and she'd give it away to Sirius.

"Who knows," I said, "it's James."

My comment seemed to distract her enough.

"Lily Evans," James proclaimed, standing up on his bench, "I love you. I've loved you since the moment I first saw you. Why don't you like me too? I'm not that horrible, am I?"

Lily went even redder and quickly left the hall. Okay, so that was one bullet dodged.

"What's going on with him?" I asked Sirius. I was trying to play the part.

"My guess?" Sirius said. "Is that he's been hit with a truth serum."

"But how?" I asked. I hoped I was doing an okay job at lying.

Sirius' eyes met mine, did he know it was me? Had the serum worked on him? Would he be forced to tell the truth?

"Your guess is as good as mine," he said.

Well, that was vague and completely unhelpful.

"Was it you?" I said, grasping at straws, "is that why you gave him your drink? I must say, that's a great prank."

Sirius faltered for a moment.

"Yes, it was me," he smiled, "me and my pranks."

Something wasn't right. The Veritaserum hadn't affected Sirius at all, that much I knew for sure, but it was more than that, I had a feeling he knew it was me, but he wasn't saying anything.

"I love you, Sirius," James said, "but only as a friend... Fuck, I wish I had your hair, it's like a lion's mane, that's a Muggle animal, they're so majestic, kind of like furry dragons, no not like that, I don't know."

"Tell me, mate," Sirius said, "do you like Peter?"

"Of course, he's my mate," James said. "You're always off with Remus and I'm all alone. I miss my best bud when that happens, but it's okay because I know you love him. You're a good liar."

I looked around us to see if anyone had heard that. James thought Sirius loved me, he said that Sirius was a good liar, so he thought Sirius was lying when he said he didn't like me. It gave me a small amount of hope. Thankfully, no one was paying us any attention.

"So," I said, trying to change the focus of the conversation, "you love Sirius?"

"Yep," James said, "with all my heart. You aren't playing fair, Remy, you're always stealing him from me. I don't like it. The only reason I don't say anything is because you're a were-"

" _Silencio,_ " Sirius called out and James shut his mouth.

James knew, he knew I was a werewolf... I felt the walls crushing down around me. He knew. Lily was right, I shouldn't have used the Veritaserum.


	47. James Knows

**James Knows**

 _James knew, he knew I was a werewolf… I felt the walls crushing down around me. He knew. Lily was right, I shouldn't have used Veritaserum._

"How about we go for a walk," Sirius said, dragging the still silent James away from the table.

I sat there in shock, James knew I was a werewolf.

"You too," Sirius said to me, his voice tight.

I didn't have a good feeling about this, but I got up anyway, I didn't want to stay in the Great Hall and create a scene.

Sirius led us to our dorm room. "Lock the door and put up a silencing charm," he told me.

I did as I was asked and then I sat down on my bed. Sirius took his silencing charm off James.

"Wolf," James finished. "Wait, what was I talking about again?"

"What is Remus?" Sirius asked, his arms crossed against his chest.

James didn't miss a beat. "A werewolf."

"And how did you come to this conclusion?"

"The bear attack," James said, "I believed it for a while, but then things didn't add up. A Grizzly bear wouldn't shred right through somebody's hand, it's too precise, then I remembered seeing Remus' scarred torso when he was yelling at Peter. Those scars weren't new, they were old. I kept watch and I started to take note of everything, especially when he disappeared. It was once a month, so I dug deeper and all of the dates fell on the full moon. …I'm not stupid."

"And why didn't you say anything?" Sirius asked.

"I'm not going to accuse someone of being a werewolf," James said, "and especially not my friend. I figured Remus would tell me eventually, or not, I really didn't care."

"Did you know that I knew?" Sirius asked.

"Yes," James said, "once I figured it out, things just fell into place. The day of the full moon and the days surrounding it affect you both greatly. It was hard not to miss."

"Does Peter know?" Sirius asked. "Did you tell him?"

"Of course not," James said. "If he knows, it's not because of me."

"What about me?" I said. "What does this mean for me? Do you hate me James?"

"Yes," he answered, of course he did, "but not because you're a werewolf, it's because you steal Sirius away from me. He was my friend first."

Well that was a relief, kind of, I couldn't believe that he hated me.

"That fact aside," Sirius said, "do you really hate Remus?"

"No," James said, "he's my mate, just like you."

"And you don't care that he's a werewolf?" Sirius asked.

"No," James said. "It sucks though, I don't want anyone to have to go through that and least of all Remus, but there's nothing we can do about it."

"You said I'd be better off dead," I said, remembering his words from so long ago.

"And I still stand by that," James said, "I can't even imagine what you go through each month, how it's always going be a part of your life, how scarred you are. If you were dead, it would all stop, but now I know you're the boy who Greyback attacked, well, I don't want you dead. I actually admire you. You're extremely strong, Remus, it's been keeping me in check lately when I feel as though my life sucks."

"He does have that effect on people," Sirius said.

"You think that too?" I asked shocked.

"Of course," Sirius said, "my life isn't pretty either, but at least I don't have to worry about it while I'm at school, unlike you. It reminds me not to bitch and complain about the little things, like homework and detention and such."

Sirius approached James and uttered a few words and then James was back, no longer forced to tell the truth.

"What was that?" James asked. "I felt as though I couldn't lie no matter how hard I tried."

"Truth serum," Sirius said, "maybe my greatest prank yet."

"You did this to me?" James asked. "Why?"

"Why not?" Sirius supplied.

There was silence as James worked out how to feel about this.

James smiled. "Well played, Sirius," he said, "but I'll get you back for this. I can't believe I told Evans that I liked her eyes, that they were beautiful, ugh," he groaned.

Sirius laughed. "That was my favorite part."

James glared at him, but then he turned to me. "I'm sorry for almost spilling your secret, Remus," he said, "I didn't mean to, and what I said was the truth. I don't care that you're a werewolf and it's okay if you don't confide in me, I know you've got Sirius for that."

"Thank you, James." I was fairly certain I'd confide in him too, but until I was fully certain I decided to stay quiet.

"You can't let anyone know about it, or that you know," Sirius said, his voice strong, "and especially not Dumbledore, trust me on that."

"You can count on me," James said, "unbreakable vow, remember?"


	48. James' First Full Moon

**James' First Full Moon**

"Do you have everything you need?" James asked me as I sat on my bed. Sirius was on his own bed with Rensen. "What about that black dog?" he asked.

"What?" I questioned.

"That black dog," James said, trying to find it in amongst my things, "you've taken it with you the last couple of times, where is it?"

"Here," I said, pulling the shrunken Padfoot out of my pocket.

"Why's he small?" James asked.

"Because you called him stupid," I said.

"Oh, right," James said, "I was just joking around."

"It didn't seem that way," I told him, "sometimes you… Sometimes you say things and they're kind of mean, I don't know."

James looked at Sirius.

"It's true, mate," Sirius agreed. "We know it's not your intention, but you can be a dick at times. I brush it off because I'm used to it and because I know that you're the Potter's only golden child, so it's to be expected."

"You both think this?" James asked, sitting on his bed. "I can't help that I had a good childhood and you didn't, I hope you don't hold it against me."

"Of course not, mate," Sirius said, "we like hearing about Fleamont and Euphemia and how they have no idea that you're actually a prat."

"Thanks," James said, laughing. He turned to me, looking serious once more. "Okay, so you have your dog."

"Padfoot," I said and James looked at me confused. "His name is Padfoot."

"Okay, so you have Padfoot, what else do you need for tonight?"

"Umm, James," I said, "I appreciate the concern, but I've got this covered."

"What about Rensen?" he asked. "Are you taking him with you?"

"No, I don't want to hurt him."

"I was reading up on werewolves," James said, "and there's this guy, Abernathy, who claims that werewolves don't hurt other animals, there's no desire there, it's only humans they want to hurt and kill."

"You can't believe everything you read," I said. "Rensen's wing was broken because the wolf tried to eat him."

James' face fell. "But why?" he asked. "Did the wolf really want to kill him or was there something else going on?"

I thought about it, all the wolf wanted to do was play with Rensen, the only reason he attacked Rensen was because he got territorial over Sirius' jacket.

"You should take him with you," James said, "it can't hurt."

"You weren't there last time," I said, "I almost killed him."

"But you didn't."

"I'm with Remus on this one," Sirius said, "the risk isn't worth it."

Thank you.

"Anything else?" James asked. "You like chocolate, do you want to take some with you?"

I shared a look with Sirius, out of all the ways James could've reacted I didn't expect him to become an overbearing mother.

"Sirius' jacket," I said, wanting to give James something to do. I had a feeling he was acting this way because he was feeling helpless.

"Right," James jumped up and approached Sirius, "give it up."

Sirius refused and James proceeded to grab an arm of the jacket and the collar and wrangle it off Sirius. Sirius didn't make it easy, but James ended up with the jacket and Sirius ended up face down on his bed. Sirius didn't make a move to get up.

"Here you go." James handed me the jacket. "Anything else?"

"No," I said, "just look after Sirius for me, make sure he doesn't worry too much."

"You can count on me," James said. "Anything else?"

"Mate," Sirius said, "give it a rest."

A thought hit me, James was desperate to get me anything and there was one more thing I wanted.

"Actually," I said, "there's this necklace-"

"No," Sirius cut me off, "not going to happen."

"A necklace?" James asked.

"It's nothing," Sirius said, glaring at me.

"It doesn't sound like nothing to Remus," James said, "tell me where it is and I'll get it for you."

Sirius was warning me off with his eyes, I couldn't betray him again, I'd already tricked him into drinking the truth serum and I still hadn't paid for that. I had a feeling it was coming. James had taken our full attention these past two days, but after the full moon, there would be no more distractions. I wasn't looking forward to Sirius' wrath, but I knew I deserved it.

"It's not important," I agreed and James huffed, sitting back on his bed. "You've done more than enough, James," I said, "thank you."

"Plus," Sirius said, "all Remus needs to remember is that he and the wolf are one, they feed off each other, so he needs to make sure he's calm and not angry or upset about anything."

Sirius' eyes drilled into mine, was this the real reason he hadn't confronted me yet? He didn't want it to affect me tonight? He was too considerate even when I'd betrayed him, I didn't deserve his friendship.

"Why would he be upset about anything?" James asked.

"No reason," Sirius said, "I'm just reminding him."

"How long now?" James asked, glancing out the window.

Too long, could I leave already? James was starting to stress me out.

The time did eventually pass and James hugged me extra tight before I left. Sirius kept his distance and just told me to be safe.

Sitting in the shack against the stairs, I felt a sense of contentment. James knew I was a werewolf and he was okay with it.


	49. Mistakes and Forgiveness

**Mistakes and Forgiveness**

"You'll write to me, right?" James said. "I want to know how things are going with Remus, his last change was good, but who knows what the next one will bring."

"What are you talking about?" Peter asked and Sirius glared at him.

"We'll send word with Rensen," I promised James.

We bid James and Peter goodbye and then headed back up to our dorm room. Sirius was tense, so I was giving him space, but once our door closed his thoughts came tumbling out of his mouth.

"I keep expecting her to turn up," he said, "I've never spent Christmas away from the house before. Reggie asked me to come home with him, but I can't do it, not anymore. Plus," Sirius smiled at me, "I kind of like the idea of spending Christmas with you."

"Is the necklace ready?" I blurted out and Sirius' face fell.

"No," he said, "maybe by your birthday."

Oh, I really wanted it.

"Don't worry," Sirius said, "I have something else for you."

"What is it?" I asked.

Sirius laughed. "You're going to have to wait and find out."

"I want to get you something," I said.

"I don't want anything," Sirius dismissed me.

"I still don't understand why," I told him, "it's not like it's going to cost me anything. I just want to show you that I appreciate you."

"I already know that," he said, "but thanks."

"Russ," I sighed, "work with me here."

"I don't want anything," he said. "Are we going to go through this every birthday and Christmas because I don't want that."

"Tell me," I pleaded.

"Tell me why you tried to poison me with truth serum," Sirius shot straight back.

Oh no, why had I pushed him?

"It was a foolish act of desperation," I said, "and I regret it, well, not entirely because now we know that James knows I'm a werewolf. I regret my actions though."

"I thought I'd been honest with you," Sirius said.

"You have."

"I thought you were comfortable discussing anything with me."

"I am… Kind of."

"Is this about my home life?" Sirius asked, tensing up. "I can't tell you about that, Remy, I'm not going to taint you anymore than I already have."

"But knowing doesn't affect me like that," I said, "all it does is make me care for you more. You're so strong and smart, Russ, but you don't let anyone see it. I'm not going to go running for the hills when you spill your secrets, I'm just going to hug you and hold you close. You need to trust me more."

That seemed to quieten him.

"Plus," I said, "I wasn't going to ask about your home life, I respect your boundaries when it comes to that."

"Then what was it?" Sirius asked.

I couldn't answer that.

"Tell me what you were going to ask me and I won't say another thing about it," Sirius said, "tell me the truth and I will forgive you."

Apparently it was as simple as that. I was going to force Sirius to tell the truth and now he was asking me to tell the truth in return. I couldn't do it, could I? But if I lied, or refused, then he wouldn't forgive me, it'd cause a rift between us and I couldn't bear that.

"I wanted to ask how you felt about me," I said.

"Speak clearly, Remus," he told me.

"I wanted to know if you liked me."

"Of course I like you," Sirius said, "why would you need to force that out of me?"

"No, umm, as more than a friend," I said and Sirius froze.

"And why didn't you ask me this without the use of a potion?" Sirius asked.

"Because I was afraid of your answer," I said.

"I would've told you the truth," Sirius said quietly, "if you had asked me, but you didn't. Now, honestly, you don't deserve my answer. ...I would never lie to you, I would never force you to drink a truth serum, I would never stoop to that level."

I dropped my head, I knew I'd done wrong.

"I'm sorry, Russ." And I truly was.

"I don't want your apologies," he said.

"What do you want?" I asked, meeting his eyes. "How can I make this up to you?"

"I honestly don't know," Sirius said. "It's just… I trusted you, I thought we were close, but then you go and… Do you know how many times my mother's used that exact serum on me?" I shook my head no. "More times than I can count. It got to the point where I just somehow learned to sense it and reject it. It was just yet another way she was trying to manipulate me, so I had to find a way to protect myself against it. I didn't think I'd have to face it here and least of all from you."

Every word he said made me feel a million times worse. How could I do this to him? Why did I ever think this was a good idea? Even Lily had warned me off. I was so stupid. And now, even though he said he'd forgiven me, he was still going on about it. But what hurt worst of all was that he said if I had just asked him he would've told me the truth, but now, I got what I deserved; nothing.

"I made a mistake," I said, trying not to apologize to him again, it was hard. "I wasn't thinking right, I couldn't see any other way. I… You told James you didn't like me, so I knew you had no reason to tell me the truth either unless you were forced to."

"You overheard that?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, I was sitting in the window well with Rensen."

Sirius was thoughtful again and then he came over to me.

"I've never confided in James," he said. "I wasn't sure if I could trust him, so anything I said probably wasn't truthful. Now that we know he's cool with you being a werewolf, well, I trust him a little more, but I still wouldn't tell him most of the things that are in my head. I'm only that honest with you, Remy, but I can't forget this. I can forgive you, but I can't forget it."

"I understand." I didn't like it, but I understood.

I would win his trust back, no matter how hard or how long it took.

"Here," Sirius said, pulling me into a hug, "we're okay," he said, "we'll always be okay, just… Please don't do that to me again."

"I won't," I promised him.


	50. Mirror of Erised

**Mirror of Erised**

"I like it better when everyone's not here," Sirius said, running his wand along the wall of an empty classroom, "it makes completing this map easier too."

"Yeah," I agreed, "spending some of my last summer here was great, a lot of the professors left too. It was a little eerie, but I got to spend some time with Irma." I reached the end of my wall and waited for Sirius. "She wants to meet you by the way."

"Why?" he asked, finishing his side of the room.

"Because you're my friend," I said, leading the way to the next room, "plus she only knows you as a tyrant, disrespecting her rules."

Sirius chuckled. "Good point," he said, "but do I have to meet her?"

"I'd like you to," I said.

We entered the next room and I ran my wand around the left side while Sirius did the right, inevitably meeting in the middle.

"Let me think about it," he said.

"It could be your Christmas gift to me," I suggested.

"But I already got you something."

Right.

"Just know that it's important to me," I said and Sirius nodded his head.

We finished this room and moved onto the next. We were making great progress on Sirius' map, he'd done a lot of it, but now we were trying to finish it off. It worked twice as quick with two people, go figure. Anytime someone busted us, Sirius was quick to convince them that we got lost.

Ten rooms later, we entered yet another one. I finished my side first, Sirius liked to take his time which was beyond amusing to me. I could tell it was because he cared about this map, it was something that was completely his, it was cute.

As I watched him finish his side I caught sight of a mirror sitting in the middle of the room. I approached it and stared at my reflection. There I was, but it wasn't me. It took me a beat to figure out what was different, it was the fact that I wasn't scarred, my skin was perfect. I lifted up my once shredded hand and it was as though it had never been clawed. This was amazing.

Sirius came and stood by my side, he was smiling so widely and then he leaned closer to me, whispering something in my ear. I couldn't hear his words, maybe it was because I was in shock. I'd never seen myself unscarred before, well, not that I could remember.

"It's amazing, isn't it?" I said.

Sirius nodded his head, still smiling at me, still standing close to me.

"What is?" Sirius asked, but it wasn't the one in the mirror with me.

I turned around, Sirius was still on the other side of the room. I looked back at the mirror, Sirius was with me here as well. What was this trickery? The one in the mirror started kissing my neck and I saw myself go red. What was this?

The real Sirius came and stood by my other side. I tensed up, could he see it too? Could he see himself kissing me? I started to step back.

"What is it?" Sirius asked, "I can't see anything."

I stepped back far enough that Sirius became the mirror's sole focus. Sirius became rigid as he saw what I assumed was me kissing his neck. He fell onto his backside and scrambled away from the mirror with a look of pure fear on his face. "What is that?" he asked. "What did it show you?"

I had no idea. I got a closer look at the mirror and it had these words written on it: _Erised stra ehru oyt ube cafru oyt on wohsi_. That made no sense, maybe it was an ancient language I didn't know. I pulled out my wand and tried a revealing spell. The letters flipped and the message was clear.

 _I show not your face but your heart's desire._

My heart's desire, well, that made sense. I didn't want to be scarred anymore, I didn't want to be a werewolf, I wanted to be with Sirius. But what was Sirius' heart's desire, what had made him so fearful?

I tore myself away from the mirror, it was hard. I liked looking at an unscarred me with a Sirius who loved me, a Sirius who wanted to kiss me. _It wasn't real_ , I told myself, _it's just a trick_.

"Russ, what is it?" I knelt in front of him. "What did it show you?"

He shook his head no. "That mirror," he said, "that's some dark magic, why is it even here?"

I didn't have an answer for him.

"It shows you your heart's desire," I told him and Sirius didn't like that one bit. "Come on," I said softly, "please tell me. I saw myself unscarred," I said, deciding to leave out the fact that he was with me. "I wasn't a werewolf anymore, I was just a normal boy. What about you?"

"I was dead," Sirius said.

I fell back on to my backside. The mirror had showed Sirius that? But why? Why was his heart's desire to die? It made no sense.

"I… I…" Sirius stuttered. "I used to wish death upon myself every day, but I thought I'd gotten over it."

Sirius had been suicidal? It made sense, he was stuck in that house with his mother for ten years with no escape, but he was right, he was somewhat free now, yet his heart's desire was still death.

As this thought settled in my mind, it made me understand some of his other behavior better. Why Sirius always told me not to worry about him, how he never wanted anything from me... It was because he was planning on not being here. I knew all of this was pre-Hogwarts, but he'd definitely brought some of these thoughts across, the mirror showed that.

"I know you don't want to die anymore," I said and Sirius' eyes met mine, he was guarded. "You show me that every day by living. It was just past-you who wanted death."

"Then why did the mirror show me that?" Sirius asked, shuddering.

He'd just saw himself dead, I couldn't imagine that and I was so glad I hadn't seen his lifeless body. Sirius dead… I couldn't handle that.

"I'm not sure," I said, "but I know that thoughts can be hard to shake, especially if you've had them for a while. The mirror showed me two things, maybe if you look again it'll show you something else."

"I can't," Sirius said, still shaking in fear.

I really wanted him to be able to see past his death, he needed to know that there was another way, surely there was something else his heart desired.

"Come on," I said, taking his hand and pulling him up, "you've already seen the worst, just try once more and if it's the same thing then I'll never ask you to look into it again."

Sirius didn't seem convinced, but he let me pull him towards the mirror. We stood side-by-side and the mirror just show us as we were.

"I'm going to stand behind you," I told him gently, "I won't leave you."

I stood behind him, he was bigger than me so his body hid mine. I kept him close, wanting him to be able to feel that I was here with him. Sirius tensed up again, but then he relaxed. I stayed hidden, hoping the mirror was showing him something other than his death.

Sirius stood there for a long moment and he didn't seem to be reacting negatively. I wanted to know what the mirror was showing him, but I knew I'd lost my chance to get an honest reply from him. I had to try though.

"What do you see?" I asked.

"Nothing I didn't already know," Sirius said, pulling away from me. He seemed calmer, happier even. "We've wasted so much time," he said, stepping away. "Let's go to the next room."

Sirius left, but I didn't. I needed to have one last look. If I couldn't have Sirius in real life then at least I could have him in the mirror.

I sighed as I looked at a smiling carefree Sirius standing by my side. He had his arm lazily wrapped around my shoulders and he looked so in love. If only.

"Come on," Sirius dragged me away from the mirror, "that's dark magic," he reminded me. "You know your heart's desire now, so you can make it a reality." If only it was that simple. "Don't you come back to this mirror, Remy," he told me, "it's not real, promise me."

I didn't want to promise that. It would be so good to be able to come back here and see myself unscarred and in love with Sirius, being loved back. I couldn't give that up.

"It's dark magic," Sirius repeated, "it's not to be trusted."

I knew he was right.

"I promise," I said.


	51. A Helping Hand

**A Helping Hand**

"Russ, can I ask you something? It's kind of private."

Sirius' eyes met mine. We were in our empty dorm room.

"Of course," he said. He was sitting on his bed against his headboard.

"Umm, it's kind of embarrassing." I was on the edge of my bed facing him. "I… umm… was wondering... if you could tell me how to… you know… down there."

Sirius frowned. "If you can't say it then you're definitely not ready to do it."

"I… Umm…" I shifted uncomfortably. He was right, I needed to be able to say it. "How do I touch myself down there and make it feel good?" I said all in a rush as I felt my face heating up.

"And why do you want to touch yourself?" Sirius asked.

Why was he putting me through this?

"I… Umm… Sometimes I get hard and I don't really know what to do," I said, "I heard you and James talking about… jerking off. How did you figure out what to do?"

"James told me."

How was Sirius not embarrassed to talk about this?

"James?" I questioned.

"Yeah," Sirius said, "his parents gave him the sex talk and then he gave it to me."

"Can you tell me?" I asked.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't think you're ready for all that," Sirius said, "there's a lot of details."

"So, I'm just supposed to stay hard and frustrated all the time?" I asked. "If I don't do something soon it's going to start affecting the wolf."

That got Sirius to pay attention.

"I didn't say I wouldn't help you with that particular problem," Sirius said, "I'm just not going to tell you what James told me."

Okay. "So what do I do?" I asked a little too eagerly.

"First," Sirius said, "I'll tell you what James told me and that's to just do what feels good."

I frowned, that was unhelpful. Sirius chuckled.

"Don't worry, I know you need more details than that. It's really simple," he said, "all you have to do is wrap your hand around it and jerk up and down." Sirius showed me with his hand.

"And that's it?" I asked. "How hard do you do it? How fast? How long for?"

"There's no wrong or right way, Remy," he said, "just do what feels right."

"So, I just grab it and jerk it?" I asked.

"Yeah, but don't do it too rough," Sirius told me, "you don't want to injure the poor thing."

This had to be more complicated than he was letting on.

"What then?" I asked. "You know, do I just keep jerking it? Does something happen, or…" I trailed off, I had no idea. I wasn't even thirteen yet, why hadn't my parents gone through this with me? This was so embarrassing.

Sirius sighed. "Come here."

"What?" I asked.

"Come here." Sirius parted his legs and patted the spot on his bed in between his legs.

"Umm… No… I mean, why?" I couldn't believe Sirius was asking me this.

"Come here and I'll show you how it's done."

"Sh-show me?" He couldn't be serious.

"Remy, just trust me."

"Umm." What was I supposed to do? Part of me wanted to already be on that bed with Sirius, but another part of me was beyond embarrassed. What was he planning on doing with me? This was definitely crossing the friend line, but that's what I wanted, it was my heart's desire. I had to go for it.

"It's no big deal," Sirius said, "people do it all the time. I'm just helping you out. I can see how confused you are about all of this. I won't do anything that you don't want me to."

His words comforted my fears and I climbed onto his bed, sitting in between his legs. Sirius guided me so that my back was against his chest.

"Relax," he said, "you're safe, you're okay."

Right. I tried to calm my breathing. I liked being close to Sirius, but this held the promise of more.

"What you're going to do first is undo your pants," Sirius said, all business-like.

Right, pants, but then he'd see everything and I wasn't sure I wanted that.

"Can I cover my lap with something?" I asked softly.

Sirius pushed me forward and shifted behind me before pulling me back.

"Here," he handed me his dragon hide jacket which he had been wearing, "use this."

I placed it over my lap, making sure everything was covered, what now? Right, I had to undo my pants. I slid my hands under the jacket and slowly undid the button and my fly, then I stopped. I was fairly certain what came next, but I wasn't ready to act on it.

"You have two options," Sirius said, "you can either pull it out or push your underwear and pants down a bit. I'd suggest option two, it makes things easier."

But then I'd be fully exposed to him. I grabbed my wand out of my pocket and cast a strong locking spell on the door, I definitely didn't want to be disturbed with my pants down and Sirius sitting behind me.

Sirius knew best, so I grabbed my pants and underwear and pulled them down to my mid-thigh.

"Are you hard, or getting hard yet?" Sirius asked, his voice a little deeper than normal.

"Umm, no, not really." I was too embarrassed for that.

"That's okay, you don't have to be hard to start," Sirius told me. "What you're going to do now is touch your dick with your hand."

"How?" I asked.

"Remy," he sighed, "you can't keep questioning me or this won't work. You're in your head too much, there's no wrong or right way to do this. If you keep this up you're not going to get anywhere, just relax."

"I'm trying." I really was. I wasn't like Sirius or James, I couldn't shut my brain off like that.

"Let me do it?" Sirius said.

"Wh-what?" I must've misheard him.

"Let me do it," he said, "just to start, so you know how to do it, otherwise this will take all day."

"Umm…" Sirius would touch me? There? It didn't irk him out? I guess he had one of his own and he was just trying to help me out. "Okay," I said.

"Relax," Sirius told me, "tilt your head back and close your eyes."

This was wrong, right? This wasn't what friends did, but this is what I wanted. I decided to do as he said, I shut my eyes and decided to say nothing.

Sirius shifted behind me and then his hands snaked around me. His right hand rested on mine and he laced our fingers together.

"I want you to squeeze my hand twice in sucession if it becomes too much, okay?"

How did he know that I wouldn't tell him to stop? "Okay."

"Now, relax, enjoy and feel," he said.

I nodded my head.

Sirius' left hand came to rest on my naked hip and I tensed. This was it, he was about to touch me. I could feel myself heating up again. Why was I letting him do this? I wanted it, but was that enough? Why was Sirius doing it? Did he want to do it or did he feel as though he was being forced?

His fingers brushed my penis and all thoughts left me. It wasn't even a touch or a jerk, but it felt amazing. My breathing picked up and I had to force my hips not to move. Sirius did a few more tentative touches and I was definitely responding. I let out a soft moan that I didn't meant to. This was so embarrassing, but it felt so good.

I stretched my legs out completely and relaxed further into Sirius' comforting embrace. His fingers wrapped around my length and I couldn't help but groan and lift my hips. I let my free hand rest on Sirius' knee, gripping it tightly.

Sirius started moving his hand up and down slowly, jerking me, and it felt indescribable. The few times I'd tentatively touched myself it felt nothing like this, I had no idea what I was doing, but Sirius clearly did.

He picked up his pace and my hips moved up and down involuntarily as I thrust into his hand. I thought my actions might make Sirius stop, but I guess it was normal because he kept going. I was now harder than I'd ever been and I could feel something building. I needed release.

"Ru-Russ," I panted, "I need… I need to pee."

"Relax," he said, "it's normal, just let go."

Either way, I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to the bathroom in time. I focused back on what he was doing; how he was expertly pumping me, how his touch felt so soft and warm against my hard penis. All of my feelings overtook me and I thrust up into Sirius' hand one last time, letting out a loud groan. My penis spasmed five times and it had me groaning again. It felt so good.

Things calmed down and Sirius stroked me gently a few more times before letting go and resting his hand on my thigh. That was amazing. I never knew it could feel like that. When could we do it again?

Sirius stayed silent and it worried me. Was he okay? He'd just given me the best pleasure I'd ever had, but what about him? Did he mean to go that far? He definitely did more than show me how it was done.

"How was that?" Sirius asked.

"Amazing." I sighed.

Oh, no, this was going too far. I quickly pulled my pants and underwear back up and moved away from Sirius. I was too embarrassed to look at him.

"Remy," he said, "that was all normal, what you felt, how it all happened, completely normal. There's nothing to be embarrassed about."

"Wh-what about you?" I asked, still too embarrassed to look at him.

"What about me?" he said.

"Friends don't do that for each other," I told him, "I'm sorry that you had to do it for me."

"Remy," he said, "it was my choice, I knew what I was signing up for and seeing you let go like that was… good. You're always so tense, and now that you know how to take care of things, I hope you do it more often."

I shyly peeked at him.

"Are you sure it's okay?" I asked. "You touched my penis."

"Dick," Sirius said, "or cock, don't call it a penis."

I nodded my head, I still had so much to learn.

Sirius picked up his jacket and looked at it for a beat before pulling it back on and standing up.

"What you had," he said, "was a dry orgasm, sometime, when you're a bit older, you will shoot cum," my face went red, "it's messy, so be aware of that, but aside from that, that's all you need to know right now. If you have any questions about any of this, ask me, not James."

How was he still okay with this? Did it mean nothing to him? Was he simply helping out a friend?

"Why can't I ask James? He was the one who told you everything."

"Yeah, but James has no tact," Sirius said, "so trust me when I say you'd rather hear the information from me and not him."

"Okay," I accepted. I'd trust his word, he seemed to know what he was talking about. "Thank you," I said.

Sirius laughed lightly. "You don't need to thank me for that, Remy."

"But you touched my penis… dick," I corrected, "I didn't ask you to do that."

"I've been touching mine for a long time," Sirius shrugged, "so touching yours was no different, well, it was a little different. I couldn't see it, but you didn't feel small, maybe it's a werewolf trait."

"Russ," I said, feeling myself heat up yet again, "I don't know if I'm comfortable talking about this."

Sirius smiled. "That's okay," he said, "as long as you don't talk about it with anyone else then I don't care."


	52. Christmas Day

**Christmas Day**

I woke up early and shot straight out of bed, it was Christmas day and I was dying to see what Sirius had gotten me. He was still asleep in his bed with Rensen. I smiled, they were so cute together and I liked waking up in the bed next to them.

I quietly got out of my bed and climbed onto Sirius'.

"No." Sirius groaned, trying to bury his head underneath his pillow.

"It's Christmas day," I said.

"So?"

Rensen perked up and left Sirius, landing on my lap. "Hi, bud," I said, "Merry Christmas."

Rensen hooted back.

"Come on, Russ," I said, "we're all waiting on you."

"No."

"Can I at least have my gift from you?"

"No."

That wasn't fair. I sat Rensen back near Sirius' head and laid down on the bed. Maybe I could annoy him into getting up. I made sure my body was flush against his side and then I wrapped my arm around him tightly, crushing my chest to him, it didn't work.

I ran my hand up his side, to his neck, and then I started playing with his long hair. Sirius sighed in contentment, this wasn't working either. I headed in the opposite direction, heading south. I ran my fingers down his chest, his stomach, to his hip… I was so close to his dick. Could I do what he did to me? Could this be my Christmas gift to him?

I was almost there when Sirius' hand shot out of nowhere and wrapped around my wrist.

"No," he said.

"But it's Christmas," I said, "and you did it for me, you made me feel good, I just want to return the favor."

"Thanks," he said, sitting up, "but I'm good."

"Russ," I said, "I'm getting sick of you telling me no all the time. Why won't you let me do what I want when it comes to you?"

"Okay," Sirius said, "tell me this, why do you want to touch my dick?"

Because I wanted to make him feel good, I wanted to be close to him, and maybe if I could do this for him then he'd start seeing me in a different light and not as just a friend.

I stayed silent, my honesty wasn't worth it, I didn't want to start today off with a rejection.

"Exactly," Sirius said, "if you can't admit these things out loud then you're not ready. I only just showed you what to do a couple of days ago, I'm not sure if you've even done it yourself yet, you need practice first, just… leave it alone."

Fine. I didn't like it, but he was probably right. I was brand new to all of this. I had tried touching myself once since Sirius had brought me to orgasm, it was in the shower, but Sirius had come in to pee and I panicked and stopped. I didn't want to be a bumbling idiot when I touched Sirius for the first time, but what if now was it? What if he got a girlfriend and I lost my chance?

"Why don't we get ready for the day and go and see Madam Pince," Sirius suggested.

That had me forgetting my plight. Sirius had refused to meet Irma, but now he was offering? I couldn't waste this.

I smiled and got off his bed.

* * *

"Irma," I said, "this is Sirius." I didn't bother using his last name as Irma already knew it and I didn't want to remind Sirius of his family on today of all days.

Irma and Sirius didn't say anything, they just regarded each other with a slight dissatisfaction.

"Did you bring Rensen?" Irma asked instead.

Sirius opened his jacket and grabbed Rensen out, he flew straight over to Irma.

"Are you not going to talk to each other?" I asked. "You're both important to me." Still nothing. "Sirius," I said, "Irma may not like how you act in her library, but she doesn't hate you. Irma, Sirius may be disrespectful, but you're the one who told me he was a Russ."

My words seemed to soften them both.

"Sirius," Irma said, nodding her head.

"I'm only here because of Remus," Sirius blurted out.

"So?" Irma said. "That's the only reason I'm here too."

Was this a terrible idea? No, they were just both acting like idiots, but why?

"What's going on?" I asked. "You can't both hate each other."

"I don't trust her," Sirius said, "I don't like that you confide in her, she already knows too much. What if she's like Dumbledore or Madam Pomfrey, I don't want her ruining anything."

We were finally getting somewhere.

"And you?" I prompted Irma. We needed to get all of this animosity out in the open.

"He's a Russ," Irma said, "and I don't trust that. I don't like people who are one thing on the outside and a different thing on the inside. Remus ensures me that you have your good qualities," she said, "but I've yet to see them."

Now they were glaring at each other. I sighed.

"Russ, Irma hasn't betrayed my trust and trust me when I say she's had plenty of chances and reasons. When I ran away, she stuck her neck out for me, not only did she do something out of character, but she convinced me to come back and she lied to Dumbledore about it all."

"Irma," I said, "you're right, Sirius is one thing on the outside, but I've told you about his goodness, you know he's my friend and that I care for him. You're the adult here, so just suck it up or Sirius and I will go elsewhere."

"Fine," Irma said.

I turned to Sirius.

"Fine," he agreed.

I knew this was far from perfect, but at least they'd stopped glaring at each other.

"Let me put on a pot of tea," Irma said.

I knew once Sirius and Irma, my two closest friends, got to know each other, things would be okay.

* * *

"See," I told Sirius, "she's not out to get me, or you. You need to be more trusting."

"I'm trying," Sirius said. "It's just… Everyone I've known has had a hidden agenda, they're like the Russ' she talks about, the ones who pretend to be good, but are really bad. It's all I know, but I am trying."

"I know," I said, "I can see that, but surely you can trust my word when I say that Irma is on our side."

"I do," he said, "but I also know that you haven't had the life that I have, it's good to be cautious, it's better than trusting someone and being completely destroyed by them."

I decided to let it go. Today had been strained, but we'd also had our good moments. Spending Christmas with Sirius was fun and I could see him slowly having a good time too, even though it was hard for him. I had no idea what Christmases at the Black house were like, but I had a feeling they wouldn't be good. I had to keep reminding myself that just like Sirius' thirteenth birthday, this was our first Christmas together and we'd have many more. We had plenty of time to get things right.

"Do you want to go to the feast?" I asked Sirius.

"Not really."

Oh.

"What do you want to do?"

"I, umm…" he said, "I kind of have something planned, back in our dorm room."

Really? Was I finally going to get my gift? Sirius had been telling me no every time I asked for it, which was constantly. I wanted to know what it was so badly.

"Okay," I accepted.

Sirius smiled shyly and we walked back to our dorm room. We paused outside the door.

"Let me check if it's ready yet," Sirius said.

I was brimming with anticipation, what was it?

Sirius ducked into our room and I waited patiently for him to return. It took longer than I expected and I was so tempted to take a peek, but I couldn't ruin anything. I had no idea about what he could've gotten me.

He reappeared and held the door open for me. I noted that he was still acting shy, what was going on? I stepped into the room and froze just inside the door. In the center of the room was a table filled with every food item they'd be serving in the Great Hall and there were two chairs sitting side-by-side, but the most perfect thing of all was that the ceiling had been enchanted to look like the night sky, just like in the Great Hall.

"Do you like it?" Sirius asked. "I know how you like the feasts and the atmosphere of being in the Great Hall, but that's not something I can be a part of. I could try for you, but I hope this works. If not, we can go down to the hall, it's okay, whatever you want."

Sirius hardly ever rambled, so I could tell just how nervous he was.

"It's perfect," I told him, and it really was.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

"Russ," I said, bringing him into a hug, "this is what I was talking about, you can't just keep thinking about me, your thoughts and feelings are just as important. Of course this is fine, all I wanted to do was spend my time with you and you've done that and more. I'd rather be up here in your version of the Great Hall where we can be Remy and Russ rather than have to play the part in front of Dumbledore and everyone else."

Our embrace ended and we sat down at the table.

"Did Buttons do all this?" I asked.

"Yeah," Sirius said, "I still find that weird, our house elf hates me, but Buttons doesn't. I used to think it was because of me, but now I just think it's Kreacher, I don't know."

"You have a good soul," I said, "I don't know how anyone could dislike you." I felt my face heat up. I turned away and started piling my plate up with food, so Sirius wouldn't see.

"Thanks, Remy," he said, "I can always count on you."

We had a good meal and I was still waiting on my present, but maybe the feast was it, I'd be okay with that, but I was expecting an actual present.

"Was that my gift?" I asked, trying not to give anything away. I knew I'd be a little disappointed if that was the case, but only because I was expecting something physical, yet another thing I could become attached to.

"No," Sirius said, pulling something out of his pocket, "here."

He handed me an ornate wooden sphere.

"I don't get it," I said. It looked cool, but that was it.

"It's an enchanted sphere," Sirius said, "your gift is inside, but you can't open it with magic or by destroying it."

"Then how does it open?" I asked, shaking it, there was definitely something inside.

"It opens when the time is right," Sirius said, "not before, not after."

"And why isn't now the right time?" I asked. Of course Sirius would give me a cryptic gift.

"This is something I've been debating for a while," Sirius said nervously, "so I figured if I gave it to you in this way then it wouldn't reveal itself until the timing was perfect. All I want you to know is that I've given this to you, what's inside, I'm giving it to you."

"You can't be serious," I said, and before he could comment on that slip up, I continued, "you've given me something that I have to wait to open? That's not what Christmas is all about, presents are to be opened immediately. I'm sorry, but this is a lame gift."

Sirius laughed.

"What?" I asked him.

"Just you," he said. "Be patient, Remy, it'll be worth it."

Screw that. I pulled out my wand and started trying to break it open.

"Be careful," Sirius said, "if you do that too many times it hexes you."

I stopped immediately.

"Can't you tell me what it is?" I pleaded.

"No," Sirius said.

"But it's something I'll like?" I asked. "Something I want?"

"Let me put it this way," Sirius said, "if I wrong, which I doubt I am, then it'll never open."

I groaned, this was stupid.

"So, what now?" I asked.

"All you can do is keep it close to you," Sirius said, "because you'll never know when it's going to open."

He was laughing at me. What did it hold? It was only small so it couldn't be much. What had Sirius given me? What was he waiting for? This was frustrating. Part of me wished he hadn't even gotten it for me. I sighed and shoved the wooden sphere into my pocket. Maybe the wolf could accidentally open it on the next full moon.


	53. Stupid Sphere

**Stupid Sphere**

"Why are you taking that with you?" Sirius asked, looking at the wooden sphere he'd given me.

"You told me to keep it close," I said.

"Yeah, but I doubt it'll open when you're in your wolf form and if it does you can't exactly appreciate it."

I shrugged, I didn't care as long as the wolf opened it, I could wait until I woke up to see it.

"I think it's a mistake is all," Sirius said. "I have a feeling you're only taking it so the wolf can open it." Was I really that transparent? "It won't work," he said, "I've made sure of that."

His words didn't stop me and Sirius saw this.

"Whatever," he said.

* * *

 **Moony's POV**

I stretched my neck, it was good to be free again.

I felt good, more mature maybe. Something had shifted slightly, but I wasn't sure what.

I saw a round wooden ball on the ground, but I ignored it, I went to the window instead.

I liked looking at the moon, I howled at it.

I went to the dog next, Padfoot, and stared into its comforting eyes.

I looked for the little ball of feathers, but he wasn't here. He never came anymore and that disappointed me.

I found the jacket with the scent and took a big sniff, it calmed me.

I grabbed my ball in my mouth and threw it in the air, chasing it until I was tired.

I pawed the wooden ball, it was heavy and it made a loud noise as it slowly rolled across the floor.

I was surprised I had a new toy, but it didn't feel like a toy, it felt like something more important.

I sniffed it, I stared at it, I scratched it. Nothing. What was it?

I didn't know why, but I wanted to get inside it. I wanted to destroy it.

I put it in my mouth and bit it. It wouldn't let me.

I needed to try harder.

I opened my mouth and closed it as fast as I could.

 _Crack_.

I howled in pain as something cracked inside my mouth.

I wasn't trying to hurt myself, or the boy, I just wanted to get inside the ball.

I scampered over to the stairs, I'd never felt pain like this before, what did I do?

I whimpered as I pulled the jacket over myself and bathed in the scent.

I reached for Padfoot and held him close. What did I do? Why did I want inside the wooden ball? Why couldn't I destroy it? Why was I in so much pain?

I tried to sleep, to take my mind off the pain, but it was too hard.

I was restless, trying not to cry out too much.

I wanted my time to end and I never wanted that. Couldn't the boy come back now?

* * *

I woke up in the worst pain imaginable and I didn't even need to strain my mind to remember what happened, I already knew, the wolf had tried to bite open the sphere. I was too hesitant to run my tongue over my teeth to see the damage.

I sat up slowly and when I felt like I could stand, I went over to the window and tried to look into my mouth in the reflection, I couldn't see much. I needed to take the risk. I carefully ran my tongue along my teeth and I didn't like what I found, or what I didn't find. I'd definitely lost some teeth, cracked some even. The pain was incredible.

I quickly got dressed, I needed Poppy. I froze, she wasn't here today, she was away for Christmas Break. It didn't matter, I didn't want to stay here. I finished getting dressed and grabbed all of my things. I glared at the wooden sphere, it was completely unmarked. Stupid sphere.

I made it to the tree and no one was waiting for me, because of that, I headed straight for Gryffindor Tower. If Poppy wasn't here then I wanted to be with Sirius. He'd make me feel better surely.

The pain was bad, but I'd gotten good at compartmentalizing it. It was still there, I was just trying not to focus on it. It worked half the time. Sirius was my goal, I just needed to get back to him.

"Fwobber worm," I said to the Fat Lady.

"That's not right," she told me.

"Flwobber worm… cwome won," I said, clearly lisping, my mouth was so jacked up. "Fl," I paused, "obber worm."

She swung open and I breathed a sigh of relief, I was almost there.

I climbed the stairs as fast as I could. Sirius was still in bed. I threw off my cloak and Sirius' jacket, abandoning all of my items on my own bed before I climbed into Sirius'. Now I was here, and I'd achieved my goal, the pain settled in fully. I whimpered as I pulled the covers over me and Sirius shot up, looking me over.

"What's wrong?" he asked, rubbing his eyes.

I didn't want to tell him, he had told me not to take the sphere with me and I didn't listen.

"Remy," he said, "please."

"I… I hwurt mwy tweeth," I said, burying my head against Sirius' side even though it hurt my mouth.

"What?" he asked. "Your teeth? How? Show me."

I didn't want to, but I wanted to get this over and done with. I pulled back and opened my mouth. Sirius didn't say anything, he just grabbed his wand, lit it up and looked in my mouth.

"It's bwad, isn't it?" I said. I hated how I never listened to Sirius, I always thought I knew best, but I clearly didn't.

"Well, it's not good," Sirius said. "Why didn't you go to Poppy?"

"She's nwot hwere," I said, burying my head back against Sirius.

"What happened?" Sirius asked, running his fingers through my hair.

"Spwhere," I said and Sirius stilled his movements.

"I told you not to take it with you," he said, "please tell me you didn't bite the sphere and it was the wolf."

He really thought I would've bit it? Was he crazy? No, I was the crazy one.

"Wolf," I said, then I smiled, I didn't have trouble saying that word. The smile hurt my mouth, so I stopped and whimpered.

"Rensen," Sirius called out, "go to Irma, peck her until she follows you here."

"What awre ywou dwoing?" I asked.

"Remy, you're in pain, and if Poppy's not here then maybe Irma can help," he said, "just try and relax." He ran his fingers through my hair again. "Rensen's persistent, it won't take him long. …Remy, I know you're in pain."

I was so used to hiding my pain, pretending it didn't hurt as much as it did. Getting constantly hurt by the wolf did give me a higher pain tolerance, but I still felt it. I didn't want Sirius to know I was suffering so much, so I kept my noises to small whimpers only.

Sirius laughed lightly. This wasn't funny.

"I might have to upgrade you from awkward werewolf to silly werewolf," Sirius said, still chuckling. "I hope this time you listen to me, that sphere can't be opened by force or by wand, you have to be patient."

I decided not to respond, Sirius' hand in my hair was comforting and I liked hearing him laugh and let go even if it was at my expense. I didn't believe him though, there must be a way to get into that sphere, I just wouldn't be stupid enough to take it to the shack with me again. The wolf may be silly, but I was not.

Irma came into the room, with Rensen pulling at her cloak.

"What is going on?" she asked. "This owl is insane, you better have a good reason for making me leave my library. What happened to, Remus?"

I stayed silent, Sirius could tell her.

"The wolf bit an indestructible object," Sirius told her, "Remus has got a couple of teeth missing and a fair few of them are cracked, his tongue is slightly swollen too. I know healing bones can be tricky, so I decided not to give it a go."

"Open up," Irma said, her voice firm.

I turned so I was now lying against Sirius' chest. He wrapped his arms around my stomach and I opened my mouth.

"Okay," Irma said after she'd had a look, "it shouldn't be too hard to fix. I'll have to do each tooth individually as the damage isn't consistent. You can't move, Remus."

I nodded my head.

"Sirius," she said, "best to hold him still, I think."

"Hwey," I said and they both laughed at me. "Thwis is nwot fwunny."

"Open your mouth," Irma said. She was still smiling at me and my predicament.

Sirius moved his hands. One came to rest tightly on my forehead and the other one came up to my chin, holding me in place. Was this going to hurt?

"Don't move," she told me.

I nodded my head, well, the best I could with Sirius holding me so tightly.

"Don't nod your head," she warned.

Right.

"Sirius," Irma said, "put your thumb and forefinger up a bit higher so you can help him keep his mouth wide open."

Sirius did as he was told and my jaw was being uncomfortably stretched.

Irma got to work, it didn't hurt any more than it already was and after every tooth she fixed, a bit of the pain went away. It was a very slow process, but Irma and Sirius didn't let me give in. I just had to grit through it all.

Irma eventually finished and it was a relief, no more pain, and I could close my mouth again. Sirius arms came to rest around my stomach again. Irma saw his actions and she looked at me pointedly. I knew she thought Sirius cared for me, but this was nothing, he was just holding me because I was hurt.

"Can I leave now?" Irma asked.

"Yes," I said, thankful I wasn't lisping anymore, I guess she fixed my swollen tongue too.

"Thank you, Irma," Sirius said before I could.

I smiled, he was getting along with her. My two closest friends.

Irma nodded her head and left.

"Thanks for that," I said, not moving away from Sirius, "for getting Irma, I didn't even think of asking her."

"She's smart," Sirius said.

"How would you know?" I asked. "You don't even know her."

"She's your friend, Remy," he said, "so of course she's smart. We all know you can't tolerate stupid people."

"You know what that means," I said, yawning. Now that the pain was gone fully, I could feel my tiredness, the wolf hardly got any sleep last night.

"No, what does it mean?" Sirius asked.

"You're smart," I said, "because I can't tolerate stupid people."

Sirius laughed. "You know what," he said, "I think you're right about that."

I pulled away from Sirius and looked at him. He had never agreed that he was smart before, he always refused it, but not now?

"Calm down," Sirius said.

"No, this is a major breakthrough for you," I said, yawning again. "I'm so proud of you, Russ, my smart, intelligent, genius-"

"Genius?" Sirius scoffed. "I think you're taking this a bit far. …You need sleep, this can wait, or never be mentioned again."

No, we could never forget this moment, it was too important.

"I'm not tired." My yawn betrayed me.

Sirius shook his head. "Sleep, now," he said firmly.

I smiled, Sirius was smart and he had agreed to that fact.

"Now," Sirius said.

I wriggled down on Sirius' bed and put my head on his lap.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Too tired to move," I told him.

Sirius pushed me off him and settled down himself. When he was situated, he pulled me back against him so that my head was now level with his stomach. I rested back on him and Sirius didn't object, he just ran his fingers through my hair again and I soon fell asleep.


	54. Losing It All

**Losing It All**

"I don't understand why we can't tell Sirius about this," James said, "its just a sphere, I'm sure he'd want to destroy it just as much as us."

"Just get on your broom," I said, handing him the wooden sphere, "unless you don't think you can do this."

"I can do this," James said, as he casually threw the ball up into the air and caught it repeatedly. "And this time it'll work."

James kicked off the ground.

"Make sure you keep watch for Sirius," I told Peter.

"Yes, Remus."

"Higher," I yelled to James and he flew higher. "Remember, as hard as you can."

I watched James as he zoomed through the air on his broom picking up more and more speed and then he did a nosedive towards the ground. When he got close enough, he threw the sphere as hard as he could into the stone pavement.

The sphere hit the ground and I was expecting it to either bounce or crack open, but it did neither. James landed and all three of us stood around the sphere, looking at it.

"I can't believe it," James said, "if that didn't work, nothing will. Maybe we should give up, Remus, I'm sick of trying. It's clearly indestructible."

James was right. The sphere had cracked the piece of stone completely and it wasn't even marked. I shoved it into the pocket of my robes.

"What is going on here?" McGonagall asked. "Mr. Potter, you know you're not allowed to fly this close to the castle. What have you done? That piece of stone is as old as Hogwarts, how did you destroy it? I swear, you four are going to be the death of me. …Where is Mr. Black." McGonagall looked around for him. "Mr. Black, I know you're hiding around here somewhere, come out and accept your punishment."

"Umm," I said, "Sirius isn't here, Professor."

"Yeah," James agreed, "and we didn't crack the stone, it was already like that."

McGonagall clearly didn't believe us and why would she?

"Mr. Snape saw you," McGonagall said, "he saw you flying near the castle and he saw you throw something at the ground. What is it? No ordinary object could cause this kind of damage, show it to me."

McGonagall looked at all of us, but we didn't give the sphere up.

"Hand it over," she said, "or you'll all get a week's detention, Mr. Black too."

"But he's not involved in this," I said.

"Hand it over then," she said.

I had no choice. I was just about to give it to her when Peter stepped forward and gave McGonagall something.

"This is what you used?" she asked, holding up some triangular object I couldn't recognize. "The object that was thrown was circular, Mr. Pettigrew, you can clearly see the indentation in the stone, do you think I'm stupid?"

"N-no, Professor," Peter said.

I used the distraction to place the sphere inside my robes, trying to hide it.

"Mr. Lupin," McGonagall said, "don't think I didn't see that. Hand it to me now."

I reluctantly pulled the sphere out and gave it to her.

"What is this?" she asked.

"We honestly have no idea," James said.

That was the truth. I hadn't told James anything, I just told him that he'd never be able to destroy it and he took it as a challenge, just like I knew he would.

"Someone must know. Mr. Lupin?"

I noted that McGonagall didn't even bother asking Peter.

"It's a wooden sphere," I said, wondering how I was going to get out of this and get the sphere back.

"I can see that," she said, "you're all foolish. I expected this from them, Mr. Lupin, but not you. I'll give you one more chance. What is it?"

"I don't know," I told her, "it was a Christmas gift and all I know is that it's indestructible. I didn't believe it so James was trying to break it. That's all, I swear."

McGonagall hummed and nodded her head. "Okay," she said, turning to leave with the sphere.

"Umm, excuse me, Professor McGonagall," I said, "but can I have it back please? It was a gift after all."

"Yes, a gift," she said, turning back to us, "and you should've thought about that before you let Mr. Potter use it to destroy school property. You're lucky all I'm doing is confiscating it."

McGonagall left and I just stood there dumbfounded, I couldn't believe she took the sphere. I'd lost it.

"How did we not get in trouble?" Peter asked.

"It's Remus," James said, "teachers just love him. ...Remus, mate," James wrapped his arm around me, "what's wrong? I can get you another one of those things if you want."

"You can't," I said, "it was one of a kind."

"It was just a wooden sphere," Peter said.

"Sirius gave it to me," I told them and this sobered James and Peter up.

"And I'm guessing it was important?" James said.

"Like you'd never believe," I said.

"I'm so glad I'm not you right now," James said, "but then again, maybe Sirius won't overreact."

I sighed, I had a feeling I wouldn't be that lucky.

"What?" James asked me.

"I need to go tell him," I said. If I'd learned anything recently it's that I couldn't hide anything from Sirius, it wasn't worth it, I needed to face the truth as quickly as I could.

"We'll come," James said, "you know, for support."

I wanted to say no, but maybe it would be easier with more people there, surely Sirius wouldn't be as mad as he could be if we were alone.

We made it back to our dorm room and Sirius was sitting on my bed doing some kind of work, homework maybe or the map, I wasn't sure. James pushed me in the back and Sirius looked at us.

"What's going on?" he asked.

I couldn't tell him, he'd be so mad I just knew it.

"Remus has got something to tell you," James said, pushing me in the back.

Sirius sat up straighter, looking at me warily. I turned to glare at James, couldn't he let me do this on my own time? I suddenly regretted that they were here.

"Remus?" Sirius asked.

"Umm, yes," I turned back around, "James is right, there's something I have to tell you..." I trailed off, I couldn't do this.

"Remus lost that sphere you gave him," Peter blurted out and we all looked at him.

I was pissed that he had told Sirius, but also thankful as it meant I didn't have to.

"Is this true?" Sirius asked, standing up.

"Yes." I dropped my head.

"How did you lose it?" he asked.

"Umm," I said, "we were trying to break it open and McGonagall caught us, she took it."

"I can't believe this," Sirius said. "I've told you a million times that it can't be destroyed, you hurt yourself trying to get into it, you clearly didn't learn your lesson. I can't believe this."

Sirius had never been this mad at me before. His angry and disappointed eyes met mine for a beat and then he stormed out of the room.

"Where are you going?" I called after him.

"To get it back," he said. Oh, good. He turned back. "But it's no longer yours, I'm rescinding this gift, you're clearly not mature enough for it. I don't know what I was thinking."

Sirius stormed out and yet again I was dumbfounded. He was going to keep the sphere? But it was mine. Why had I been so foolish with it? Sirius was right, I clearly wasn't mature enough. I just wanted to know what was inside it, but now I'd ruined it all.

"Wow," James said, "I never thought he'd get angry at you, I mean, I just assumed he'd brush it off. I guess it was important, fuck, I'm glad I'm not you right now, mate."

I sat down on my bed, careful not to mess up Sirius' papers.

"What am I going to do?" I asked, dropping my head.

"As someone who's always on Sirius' bad side," Peter said, "there's nothing you can do."

"He's right," James agreed, "Sirius is stubborn, you're just going to have to wait this one out."

I didn't want to believe them, but I knew they were right. Sirius held grudges, it took him forever to get over things and I'd thrown his carefully planned out gift in his face. I couldn't believe I'd risked everything trying to get into that stupid sphere. Why didn't I listen to Sirius and leave it alone? All I had to do was wait for it to open.

James and Peter left me and I looked at the papers on my bed. Sirius appeared to be working on some kind of charm. I picked up one of the sheets and there was a drawing of the necklace he was giving me. Sirius always put my needs first and now he was upset with me. I couldn't comprehend it. What did this mean for us?

I didn't look too closely at the papers, I didn't want to upset Sirius further by ruining his next surprise… What if he decided I wasn't mature enough for the necklace either? Would he keep it too? How did one become more mature? I couldn't help that I was impatient and impulsive at times. All I knew was that I had screwed up and I wasn't sure how to fix it. I was so stupid.

I had lost the sphere, I had lost Sirius... I had lost it all.


	55. We Weren't Friends

**We Weren't Friends**

It had been almost a month since Sirius and I had our blow up about me losing the sphere. He'd gotten it back from McGonagall, I had no idea how he managed it, but it was comforting knowing that he had it and not her.

The month had been my toughest yet. Sirius was ignoring me. We hadn't spoken, we hadn't touched, I hadn't been in his bed and he hadn't been in mine. It was as though we were only friends, but it was worse than that.

It had been hell, but it did teach me one thing; we weren't friends and we never had been. Whatever Sirius and I had before all this fell apart was not friendship, it was more, it had to be. Friends didn't hug as much as we did, friends didn't sleep in the same bed, friends didn't help each other out sexually. Sirius liked me, he had to, but I'd ruined it all.

I didn't give up on him, on us. I spoke to Sirius every day, but I was ignored. I got Rensen to secretly give him pecks and rubs of affection, but they were never returned. I worked on myself. I tried desperately to learn patience and to be less impulsive. It was hard, but I was trying.

I'd regretted how reckless I'd been lately, so I was being as helpful and considerate as I could be to everyone. I helped everyone with whatever they needed. Sirius didn't accept my help, but that didn't stop me. When he'd fall asleep, I'd take his map of Hogwarts and James' cloak and try to get some more rooms mapped for him. I'm not sure if Sirius noticed, but he didn't say a word about it. It didn't matter.

Tonight was the full moon and I was so sure Sirius would snap out of whatever funk he was in and say something to me, offer me some comfort, his usual ' _be safe_ ', hell, I'd even take a smile, anything, but there was nothing. I hadn't seen him all day, he even skipped classes in order to avoid me.

I wasn't giving up hope though, he'd come around, he had to, but it was getting too close, I'd have to leave soon.

"Here," James said, coming into our dorm room and handing me Sirius' jacket, "I had to wrangle it off him, he wasn't letting it go willingly, but I told him you wanted it."

Sirius wasn't going to give me his Hebridean hide jacket? Had I ruined things that much? I understand not talking to me, but to not give me his jacket on the full moon? I never thought he'd stoop that low.

I pulled the jacket on, getting ready to go. This was my first full moon where Sirius was around and available, but didn't see me off. It was odd and it didn't sit right with me. I missed him terribly.

"Have you got everything you need?" James asked.

I nodded my head.

"I'm sorry he's not here," James said, "I tried to convince him but…" he trailed off at a loss of what to say, I didn't blame him. Sirius' and my rift had affected everyone. "Try not to think of him, mate," James said, "I know it'll be hard, but try. I'm sure he'll come around soon."

I wasn't as certain anymore, it had already been a month of nothing, how much time did he need? I wished I could find a time turner and take back all my actions; poisoning him with truth serum, being so reckless with his gift to me. I wanted to take it all back, but it was never that simple.

"Bye," I told James as I headed for the door.

James hugged me fiercely from behind. "Good luck," he said.

At least I still had someone to see me off, but it wasn't the same. "Thanks, James."

I left the tower and scanned all the hallways for Sirius, I even checked his hiding spot in the Whomping Willow, but he was nowhere to be found.

I tried not to overthink anything as I walked down the long tunnel. When I arrived, I got straight into my routine, disrobing and sitting in my spot by the stairs.

I wasn't looking forward to this full moon at all as I knew the wolf fed off my emotions. If I was feeling angry, depressed, isolated, worthless, then he'd feel it all tenfold and he'd take it out on me for making him feel this way.

I didn't even know how to fix it. My actions had caused this, losing Sirius was my fault. Even trying to be better, less impatient, less impulsive had gotten me nowhere. How was I supposed to repair our relationship when he wouldn't even talk to me?

At least I had his jacket and his scent. I brought it up to my nose hoping it would calm me, it didn't, it just made me more regretful. I didn't have Sirius in the way I wanted, but I'd had him as a friend and that was better than nothing I'd realized. How could I win him back? I knew he was stubborn, but surely he could see that I was trying.

I put his jacket on and pulled it tight around me, breathing in his scent again. Sirius had always wanted to be with me during my transformations, but I couldn't let him, I knew the risk, but right now, I didn't care. I wished he was here, comforting me, telling me that things were going to be alright, being my friend again. I missed him so much.

I shoved my hands into the pockets of the jacket and I felt something. I pulled out a parchment scroll and my heart beat frantically, was this what I'd been waiting for? I should've known Sirius would never send me off to face a full moon without his words of comfort, but what if I was wrong? What if this wasn't a note from him? What if it held nothing? I had to look. I unfurled the parchment and held my breath as I read it.

 _Give me time_

 _Be Safe_

My heart slowed down, I took a breath, I smiled. There was still hope, I hadn't destroyed everything. Sirius just needed time and I was going to give it to him.


	56. Absence is a Good Thing

**Absence is a Good Thing**

I was walking past a classroom, close to curfew when a familiar laugh reached my ears. I paused by the door to McGonagall's classroom and looked inside. Sirius was sitting on the same side of the desk as her with papers and books in front of them. I wasn't sure what Sirius was laughing at, but I'd never seen him freer. It was hypnotizing.

"Mr. Lupin," McGonagall said, not even looking my way, "can I help you?"

Sirius stopped laughing and his eyes met mine. It was the first time he'd looked at me in almost two months. I expected him to look away, but he just stared at me for a beat with no negativity and then he turned back to whatever he was working on. That was a positive sign, and he was laughing in front of McGonagall, it was good to see Sirius letting someone in.

I left them be and headed back to Gryffindor Tower.

Lily smiled at me when I entered the common room, I returned her smile, but continued to my dorm. James and Peter were already there.

"You're cutting it close to curfew," Peter said.

"Yeah," James agreed, "you and Sirius. Were you together?" He sounded hopeful.

"Nope, just out walking," I told them as I got ready for bed.

"You're always walking lately," James said, "does it have anything to do with that piece of parchment?"

"What piece of parchment?" I asked, shoving it in Sirius' drawer where it belonged.

Sirius' map of Hogwarts was not my secret to tell.

"You know what," James said, sitting on the end of his bed, "in the beginning, I thought this would be hell, you know, you and Sirius not talking, but it's actually been good. I think you two were too close, dependent on each other, I don't know, do you know?"

Well, that wasn't the least bit confusing.

"I agree," Peter said.

I'm pretty sure Peter would agree with anything James said.

"It has its merits," I said, sitting on my bed, "but it's hard being ignored by him."

"Not really," Peter said. "Sirius has ignored me since day one, well, apart from the times where he snaps at me. ...I much prefer it when he ignores me."

"Yeah," James laughed, "but you don't have the same relationship with Sirius that Remus does."

"You mean their gay relationship?" Peter asked.

Of course, I turned away from him.

"Sirius isn't gay," James said.

"So?" Peter said. "Remus is then?"

"I… Umm…" James faltered.

I turned around and they were both looking at me.

I'd had enough of this. "I think I am," I said, averting my gaze. I didn't want to see their rejection.

"You think you are?" James asked. "You're not sure? How sure would you say? Fifty per cent? More?"

"I don't know," I said.

"Do you think of us in that way?" Peter asked and I could hear the disgust in his voice.

"No."

"What about me?" James asked. "You think I'm good looking, don't you?"

He was too much like Sirius, always seeking validation.

"Not really," I said.

"What? Why?" James jumped off his bed and approached me. "How can you not like me? I'm good looking, just as good looking as Sirius, better even."

"I agree," Peter said.

I glared at him, of course. It was always double standards with him.

"Oh," I said to Peter, "so you have no problem saying that James is better looking than Sirius, but you can't handle the fact that I might be attracted to you, which I'm clearly not."

"I just don't want to be in the same room as you," Peter said. "How do I know what you're going to do? All you have to do is look over here while I'm getting undressed and I don't want that."

"Peter," I said, "you better watch what you say next because you know how unforgiving I can be. I have no desire to look at you, I don't like you like that, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm attracted to everyone. Take James, he's straight but he only has eyes for Lily, not Mary or Halley. Think of yourself, I doubt you think all girls are dateable."

Peter shut his mouth.

"Oh, man, that was so good," James said, laughing at Peter, "but I'm still disappointed that you don't think I'm good looking," his eyes met mine, "why not?"

"Do you want the list?" I asked.

"There's a list?" James readjusted his glasses so they were now crooked, he did this more often than not.

"Yes," I said, "but I don't think you can handle it."

"No, tell me," James pleaded, "maybe if I know what you don't like then I'll know what Lily doesn't like."

"You can't change these things," I said.

"Tell me," James pleaded.

"Okay," I sighed, "but you asked for this. ...You're too skinny, your hair is too messy, your glasses are too nerdy and you lack complete direction with your life."

James sat back on his bed. "Wow," he said.

"Yeah," Peter said, "that was mean, Remus, don't listen to him, James."

"Wow," James said again, "this is amazing. Do more."

"More?" I asked. "Why?"

"I've known Lily for a year and a half now and nothing," James said, "I need to change everything about me."

"James," I said, "that's not going to work."

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because you'll never be able to keep it up," I told him. "You need to be yourself, no one else."

"But Lily doesn't like who I am," James said.

"Then maybe you need to consider moving on," I suggested.

"No, no way," James said, "she's it for me, I know it."

"James," I said, "you met her on the first day and claimed she was yours, it's okay to admit that you were hasty in your declaration."

"Never," James said, "you can't repeat this to anyone, Remus, not even Pete."

"Hey," Peter said.

"Put up one of those silencing charms," James told me.

I cast the spell and James seemed nervous.

"What?" I asked him when he didn't speak. "Are you going to admit that you were wrong?"

"No," James said, "umm… that first day, when my eyes met hers… I don't know… I felt something… It was kind of this feeling of warmth and my heart started beating like crazy… ...You think I'm stupid, don't you? ...Just, forget about it."

"You're not stupid," I said, "you're in love. Love at first sight by the sound of it."

"Love?" James questioned. "I wouldn't go that far, mate, how would you even know?"

"Simple," I said, "it's how I feel about Sirius."

"I knew it," James said, jumping up, "I fucking knew it. Everyone thinks I'm so stupid, but I see the way you look at him. ...Remus," he brought me into a hug, "I'm happy for you, really. It's weird, I'll admit that. I've never really had experience with this, my parents never talked about two boys being together, I didn't even think it was a thing, but you can count on me, okay?"

He seemed a little wishy-washy in his words, but I'd take it.

"Thanks, James," I said, "you're a good friend."

"So," he said, "what are you doing about Sirius? He likes you, I know it. I mean, he told me he doesn't, but you can never believe him, he's always lying, trying to protect himself."

"I'm giving him time," I said, "that's what he asked me to do."

"He asked you?" James said. "He actually talked to you? When?"

"He left me a note," I told him.

"Oh, that is so sweet," James cooed, "a love note I bet. ...You know, this is still weird for me, but I like the idea of you two together. My two best buds." James wrapped his arm around my shoulders before letting go. "Oh, sorry, I didn't mean anything by that. I don't like you, I'm straight."

"James, relax," I said, getting rid of the silencing charm and sitting on my bed.

"So, it's cool?" he asked. "We're cool? I didn't mean anything by that."

"I can't believe you hugged him," Peter said, "are you gay now too?"

I was ready to point my wand at Peter when Sirius came into the room.

"Who's gay?" he asked.

"Remus," Peter said and James was on him.

"What the fuck," James said, "Peter, you can't just fucking out him like that."

"What's going on?" Sirius asked as his eyes met mine.

This was my moment, I had to take it.

"I'm gay," I said, my eyes never leaving his.

"And?" Sirius asked, breaking contact and going over to his bed.

I smiled, of course he wouldn't care. I hoped it was because he liked me too, but either way, this was definitely a win.


	57. Remix

**Remix**

We were in March now and Sirius still wasn't talking to me. I didn't mind as much, I was getting used to it and I knew he'd come around when he was ready. I still had his note reminding me of this and I had the fact that he didn't care that I was gay.

It was hard at times, but it was the perfect opportunity to work on my impatience which I desperately needed.

"No, it was Flitwick," James said as he came into the dorm room with Peter, "there's no way in hell Sirius would be talking to Madam Pince."

"What are you two talking about?" I asked.

"Sirius," James said.

"Thank you," I said sarcastically, "I got that much. What about him?"

"I saw him in Flitwick's classroom doing something that suspiciously looked like extra charm work" James said, "and Peter claims he saw Sirius talking to Madam Pince, you know, the librarian."

"Maybe you're both right," I said, "last month I saw him with McGonagall, I wasn't sure what they were doing, but it looked like school work."

"But this makes no sense," James said, "Sirius hates school work, why would he do extra? Plus, he hates the professors too. I'm guessing you have no idea, Remus?"

"No," I said, rolling up my first official letter to Newton Scamander and tying it to Rensen's leg. I'd been so preoccupied lately and scared to finally get the answers I'd always wanted, but no more waiting.

"Do you want me to kick Sirius in the head?" James asked. "Because I will. He needs to get his fucking shit together already. It's not fair that he's ignoring you. All you did was try to destroy that sphere, it's fucking stupid."

"Leave it," I said, letting Rensen out the window, "Sirius needs time and I'm giving it to him."

"It's been three months," James said, "he's had enough time."

"Leave it," I repeated. "I trust Sirius and his methods, I trust our friendship. I'm happy to wait, well, for a little bit longer."

I'd already decided that if Sirius was still ignoring me past my birthday then I would do something, but I had a feeling Sirius wouldn't miss my thirteenth birthday, it just wasn't something he'd do… I hoped.

"I quite like it," Peter said, "I mean, what's going to happen when they're talking again? Are they going to start kissing? Because that's gross and I don't want to see that."

"We're not going to start kissing," I said.

"Yeah," James agreed, "who said Remus even likes Sirius, I heard he prefers blonds."

Peter made some weird squeaking noise as he went pale and ran from the room.

"That was mean." I laughed.

"No, it wasn't," James said, "Peter's being a real fucking prat about this. I'm not one hundred per cent comfortable with it, but do you see me running my fucking mouth off? No. He needs to learn to hold his tongue. You should hex him or something, the last time you did that he backed off."

"I'm waiting," I told James.

"For what?" he asked.

"Sirius."

"You need to stop fucking waiting for him," James said, "maybe you should date someone else, that will really put him in his place and wake him up."

"I don't think that's necessary," I said, "and I was talking about Sirius inevitably overhearing Peter, we all know when that happens Sirius will give him his wrath. I'm looking forward to it."

"Right," James said, "but I stand by what I said. Let's find someone else for you, another boy, what do you think? You can't just keep waiting for Sirius, you need to make him jealous."

"That's not me," I said.

"What about that guy from Ravenclaw?" James said. "P something… Shit, what was his name again? He's in the year above us… Phoenix… I think that's it."

"Are you talking about Nix?" I asked. "He's at least two years ahead of us."

"So?" James said. "You know him then?"

"I've seen him around." The only reason I knew who he was is because he accidentally ran into me in the library and before he could say anything his friend pulled him away. It was completely unassuming, a fleeting moment, but I remembered it because it made my heart jump, but that had to be out of shock and nothing else. From memory, Nix had light brown hair and honey colored eyes, he wasn't unattractive by any means.

"You're thinking about it," James said, snapping me out of my thoughts. "Just think," he said, "if you two got together your couple name would be Remix, how fucking cool is that?"

"James," I said, "you know who I like."

"Yeah," James scoffed, "and where is your prince? …Fucking nowhere. Three months, Remus, I know he has his issues, I know his childhood was fucked up, but three fucking months, you're holding onto nothing, you owe him nothing. Let's go for a little walk, we can check Phoenix out… from a distance, if that's what you want."

I still wasn't sure.

"Come on," James said, "there's no harm in looking. You ain't going to marry him or date him or anything."

I could see he wasn't going to give this up.

"Fine," I said, "but we're only looking."

James smiled so brightly and we left our room.

Another reason I agreed was because this castle was huge and I knew we'd never find Nix before curfew, but I underestimated James and his knowledge of people and their habits.

We checked a few places before James spotted Nix in the courtyard with his friends. James pulled me behind a pillar and we just watched them. Nix was with three friends, two boys and a girl, they looked like they were having a good time.

"Do you want me to go talk to him?" James asked. "See if he likes boys or not?"

"No," I said firmly, "we're just looking, you promised."

"No," James said, "I didn't promise anything. Come on, Remus, it won't hurt. You can come with me, we can be all casual and bump into him… Yes, that's a better idea."

James grabbed my arm and started pulling me over to them. I struggled, trying to get free, but James wasn't letting me go and the courtyard wasn't that big. Before I knew it, we were there and James had already accidentally bumped into Nix.

"Sorry," James said, "I didn't see you there. You're Phoenix right, I'm James Potter, Chaser for the Gryffindor Quidditch team, this is my friend Remus."

Nix's light brown eyes met mine and he looked me over.

"Call me Nix," he told James, "this is Larry, Trent and Sarah."

I didn't pay any attention to his friends, I was just staring at Nix. My heart was beating fast again, what did that mean? I liked his eyes, they were different than Sirius', they were warmer. What was I doing? I felt as though I was betraying Sirius. I couldn't be attracted to someone else, could I? Lily said maybe it was just a crush I had on Sirius, that he was my first love, was she right? Were we not destined to be with each other?

"Remus, was it?" Nix said, his voice deep and a little gravely.

"Umm, yeah, that's me… I… Hi." I was such an idiot, I needed to leave.

Nix laughed lightly, but he wasn't laughing at me, just at the situation. I didn't blame him.

"Is it true you've gotten all perfect scores in all of your classes except Potions?" Nix asked me.

"Umm, yeah, I guess. …How did you know about that?"

"Flitwick," Nix said, "he's our head of house and he's always muttering about how you should've been placed in Ravenclaw and not Gryffindor. Why weren't you placed in our house? Did the hat suggest it at least?"

"Umm, no, it didn't."

"He's in Gryffindor because he's the bravest person I know," James said, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

"Even braver than you?" Trent asked, snickering.

" _I'm the bravest person here."_ Sarah imitated James' declaration from our first day here, after he'd been sorted into Gryffindor, and everyone laughed at him.

"Yep," James said, not even caring that they were making fun of him, "he's even braver than me."

"Bravery is a good trait to have," Nix said, "pair that with smarts and you'll be unstoppable."

Our eyes locked and I felt as though I was under some kind of spell. Was Nix gay? Could I date him while I waited for Sirius to come around? How did these things work? Did he even like me or was I just thinking there was a connection when there was nothing? Did I love Sirius as much as I once thought?

"Remus," Sirius called out.

I tore my gaze away from Nix and looked at Sirius in shock, almost three months of nothing and now he speaks? Maybe James was right, talking to Nix had caused this, hadn't it? It didn't matter, I walked over to Sirius, I wasn't going to waste this opportunity.

"Yeah," I said, trying to sound casual as I stood in front of him.

"Will you spend your birthday with me?" he asked.

That was it? I was slightly disappointed, but there was only one answer in my mind.

"Yes."


	58. Remus' 13th Birthday - 1

**Remus' 13** **th** **Birthday -** **Part 1**

I woke up on the day of my thirteenth birthday and the first thing I did was look over at Sirius' bed. He'd said we would spend the day together and I was looking forward to it, so I was disappointed to find his bed empty. James was awake and staring at me.

"When did Sirius leave?" I asked him.

"Don't know," James said, "didn't you say he was spending the day with you today?"

"That's what I thought."

Though after Sirius had asked me a week ago he'd gone back to ignoring me, so I wasn't entirely sure. Maybe he'd only asked me because he saw me talking to Nix. I groaned and laid back down.

"Happy Birthday," James said.

I grunted out my reply and he laughed.

"I didn't get you anything," he said, "sorry."

"As long as you don't throw me a party with enchanted Butterbeer," I said, "I'm happy."

It felt like so long ago that Sirius had had his thirteenth birthday, but it had only been four months. Maybe it felt like a lifetime because he'd spent three of those months ignoring me.

"Deal," James said, "so what are you going to do now?"

It was Saturday, so we didn't have classes which was good when I was planning to spend the day with Sirius, but now I really wished I had the distraction. It had to be a mistake, Sirius would never lie or trick me. I sighed and got up, getting ready for the day.

"Are you just going to ignore me?" James said. "I asked what are you going to do now?"

"Sorry," I said, "I'm just a little preoccupied and I don't know."

Even I could hear the dejection in my voice.

"We could find Nix," James said.

"Pass."

"Why not?" he asked. "I saw your eyes light up when we were with him, you couldn't look away, and you were stuttering… You like him and I think he likes you too. He actually talked to you, and all that house bullshit was… well, bullshit. He wouldn't talk to you unless he liked you."

"James," I sighed, "can we not talk about this, not today?"

Sirius was the only one I wanted to spend my birthday with and without him I was tempted to climb back into my bed and ignore the world, but I couldn't do that. Instead, I'd just go through my day as though it wasn't even my birthday. Yes, just a normal day.

There was a pecking noise at the window and I saw Rensen trying to get in. I smiled, he was back with word from Newton Scamander. I let him in and Rensen pecked my cheek.

"Thanks, bud," I said before I untied the letter from his leg. I let Rensen go and he dived straight under Sirius' covers, maybe that was why Sirius never made his bed.

I unrolled the letter and held my breath as I read it. I hadn't asked Newt much, it was my first letter, so I was just testing the waters, seeing if he really knew what he was talking about or not. I didn't get far into reading the letter when I realized something was wrong.

* * *

 _John_

 _We already covered this, please don't tell me you've forgotten. I am not one to repeat myself. I thought we were discussing how werewolves act and react around animals. I don't want to move backwards. Progress is being made and this is a good thing, not only for you, but all werewolves. I'd like to get back on track. Please send Rensen back with your next letter._

 _Newt_

* * *

"What's wrong?" James asked.

"This guy," I said, "Dumbledore gave me his name so I could ask him questions about you-know-what and I only just got around to doing it, but… it's as though he's already heard from me, that we've been mailing each other, but we haven't."

"Okay," James said, sitting next to me on my bed, "we can figure this out. Who else knew about this?"

"Umm, Dumbledore and Sirius, I think that's all." …It had to be Sirius, he was with me when I wrote the first letter, he knew I was using the name John O'Brian, but Sirius didn't want me to write to Newt, so why would he?

"What?" James asked.

"Sirius," I said, "it was him, but I have no idea why."

What had Sirius asked Newt? Newt said they'd been making progress, how many letters had they sent to each other? I knew Sirius used Rensen, but I never assumed it was to send letters to Newt.

This letter said they were discussing the wolf and its reaction to animals and James picked out that part from the letter.

"Didn't I tell you," James said, "animals, there's something there, when you're changed, you wouldn't want to hurt them. I bet Sirius was asking this guy so that you could take Rensen with you, have him to keep you company."

Rensen shot out of Sirius' bed and flew out the still open window.

"What was that about?" James asked.

I shrugged.

Was James right? Was Sirius really trying to find a way for me not to be alone on the full moon? I wouldn't put it past him as I knew how desperately he wanted to go with me each time. Him talking to Newt was starting to make more sense.

Rensen flew back in the window with something in his beak. I thought it was a worm at first, but it was another scroll of parchment. I carefully pulled it from his beak and read the short note.

 _Meet me in the tree at ten -SOB_

"Meet you in a tree?" James said. "What tree? There's millions of trees. ...I swear you two are just as insane as I once thought."

I smiled, Sirius hadn't forgotten at all.


	59. Remus' 13th Birthday - 2

**Remus' 13** **th** **Birthday – Part 2**

I left the castle at 9:59, I was anxious to see Sirius again, but I didn't want to seem too eager. I hoped this would be the end of all this avoidance, but then again, I knew Sirius and maybe he just didn't want to miss my birthday. Today could end and we could go right back to where we were, but not if I could help it.

The Whomping Willow looked extra imposing today and I hoped it held everything I desired. My birthdays back home weren't much, just filled with love, a good meal, and one gift if I was lucky. I never really cared, it was all I knew. Last year I'd gotten a letter from my parents and I was happy with it. This year… I was expecting everything.

I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up, but I couldn't help it. I missed Sirius and he always gave me the most thoughtful gifts. I really hoped this would be our reunion. I'd give back every gift I got today for that to be the case. I missed him so much.

I froze the tree and climbed up. I half expected Sirius to not be here, but he was. He was sitting in the hollow where all the branches met; his hiding spot. I couldn't keep the smile off my face as I sat down across from him and unfroze the tree.

"Hi," I said.

"Remy," Sirius said, smiling at me.

It had been so long since he had called me that.

"Happy Birthday," he added, still smiling.

I wanted to hug him so badly, but I stood my ground, I couldn't ruin this, and so much had happened in our time a part. I'd told him that I was gay and I didn't know if that automatically cut off the physical side of our friendship or not.

"How have you been?" Sirius asked.

It was a stupid question considering everything, but I didn't even care, I was too happy.

"Good," I said, and it was true. I hadn't wallowed… much, I had used the time apart to try and better myself, to make sure I wouldn't make the same mistakes again. "How have you been?" I asked.

Something shifted across Sirius' face and his smile disappeared.

"I missed you," he said, "it was so hard to… stay away. I saw it all, Remy, don't doubt that. I saw how much you tried, I saw you branching out, making new friends, becoming closer to James and Lily. I want you to keep it up."

Why did that sound ominous? I was still scared to ask him all the things I wanted. I decided to stay quiet and just let him go at his own pace.

"I've been growing too," Sirius said, "I think. I'm asking for help more, getting to know the professors, Irma."

"Irma?" I questioned. I couldn't help it, it just slipped out.

"Yeah," Sirius smiled, "she's alright. She really helped me out on one of your gifts."

"One of my gifts," I tried not to sound too eager, but it was impossible. "Sorry," I said, "I don't care what you got me… No, that's not right… I'll look after whatever you got me, it won't be like the sphere again."

"Remy, relax," Sirius said, "I'm done," my heart sunk, "I'm here to stay." Oh. "Nothing you can say or do will make me go away, trust me, I only took this long because I was working on some projects and when you're not around I can focus better. ...Don't take that the wrong way."

I was still trying to process everything. Sirius wasn't leaving me, no matter what I said or did. I wasn't sure I could trust that entirely, but it was a good sign.

"Remy?" Sirius asked. "Are you listening to me?"

"I… Umm… I missed you too, Russ," I said and it felt good. "Every moment, but I agree with you, the break helped me to focus better too. When I'm around you I kind of get consumed and I'm not saying that's a bad thing, I quite like it, but I think it's all about balance."

Sirius was smiling at me again, it was almost a goofy smile and I'd never seen that from him before.

"What?" I asked, feeling self-conscious.

"Nothing," Sirius said, "just you. …I'm proud of you, Remy. And don't worry about the sphere, that was partly my fault. I mean, I gave you a gift that wasn't really a gift, you had to wait for it to open. I knew you were impatient and I think deep down I knew you were going to try and open it. It was my mistake too."

"Will I get it back?" I asked. I didn't have high hopes, but I found I was fine with whatever he decided.

"There's no point," Sirius said, "not anymore."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"It opened," Sirius shrugged, "I mean, you can have the sphere if you want it, but it's just a sphere now, what I had inside for you has disappeared. It was never something solid. I… I'm sorry, I don't think I can talk about this right now, it's just… I don't like how that all that played out. I always assumed you'd have it and it'd open... But you weren't ready for it which was also my mistake."

I couldn't believe it was gone. My recklessness had cost me whatever Sirius was going to give me and it sounded like he couldn't get it back. If only I had listened to him, but it was too late now, it was just a regret I'd have to live with.

"But," Sirius said, "I've got something even better for you." He pulled out a small square box from his pocket and handed it to me. "Here," he said.

I decided to stay calm. I didn't want to guess what it was, I didn't want to be let down, I just needed to stay in the moment and keep my emotions in check. Sirius seemed nervous and that didn't help me. I opened the box carefully, wanting to show Sirius that I'd changed, that I wasn't as impulsive anymore.

Inside the box was a necklace. Was this the one he was working on? It had to be. It still had the black chain, but the pendant was no longer circular, it was a silver crescent shape, it kind of looked like the moon. Either way, I liked it.

"Did you finish it?" I asked him.

"Yeah," Sirius said, "more or less. It didn't turn out exactly how I planned, but maybe that's a good thing. Let me explain it to you."

Sirius shifted so he was sitting by my side.

"I'm sure you can already see it's resemblance to the moon," Sirius said, "I've transfigured the silver so that it changes with the phases of the moon. I know you don't need to know the phases, but when it completes a full circle, on the full moon, that's when the charms work. A circle in the magical world is something special, it has no sides, it's completely symmetrical, so it charges up in a sense, the magic bounces all around within. It's kind of hard to explain, but whenever it's not a full moon it's just a necklace."

Sirius was so passionate about this and I held onto his every word.

"Now," he said, "the charms I added, I decided on two which means that neither will work at full capacity, but Irma said that's probably a good thing. She said that I shouldn't be trying to dim the wolf or trying to control everything, so two charms should balance things out. The first one is a protection charm, it won't keep you from hurting yourself, but it will lessen the damage. The second charm is something that should keep your mind more level. Irma explains it better, but if you're feeling a ten on the angry scale then it would be a seven instead. If you're feeling a seven, it would be a five. Like that. It doesn't stop you from feeling whatever you're feeling, it just lessens it, and it only works on the full moon, so it's only there to help the wolf stay under control and not overreact as much. I don't know if it's going to work, but I had to try."

He'd done all that for me? It was so thoughtful.

"This is amazing, Russ," I told him. "How did you do it? That's some advanced stuff, even I couldn't do it."

"Well," he said, "I had help from McGonagall and Flitwick, Irma too. They didn't know what I was doing, well, Irma did, but I just told McGonagall and Flitwick I was interested in learning more outside of class and then I slowly steered them towards the information I needed. It took months, and then when I was ready, I told Irma everything and she supervised me when I did the transfiguration spell and then she charmed it. We knew it was too important to get that part wrong."

I couldn't believe he'd gone through all that. I remembered seeing him with McGonagall and James had seen him with Flitwick, Peter said he was with Irma, it was all making sense. Sirius had been working so hard to finish this necklace for me. He cared for me all throughout our time apart, he never stopped caring.

"I can't believe it," I said, "thank you, Russ, this is amazing, you're amazing. You know that right? James got me nothing today, which I'm thankful for, but look at you. Not only did you give me an amazing necklace which should help me during the full moon, but you went to the professors for help which isn't you at all. Please know that I appreciate this and I'll never take it off."

I pulled the necklace on and I felt a sense of peace knowing I had it back for good.

"It's no trouble," Sirius said, clearly embarrassed, "you're worth it. I just want to make sure your transformations are as easy as possible, and, about that, I hope you don't mind, but I've been talking to the Salamander guy. I saw you weren't and I took it upon myself. Here," Sirius handed me a stack of letters, "you can read them all, but I have an idea and it might just work. I want to try and become an Animagus, they're wizards who can turn into animals. Newt said that wolves definitely don't hurt animals, he's not sure if that works for Animagi's, but it's worth a shot, don't you think? If I can be there and not get hurt then I can help you or something. I don't know."

"Russ," I said, "I appreciate the thought, but it's too risky, the wolf can be unpredictable."

"I know that," Sirius said and I could already tell his mood was deflating.

I hated to crush his dreams, but I didn't want to hurt or kill him.

"I wouldn't just put myself with the wolf," Sirius said, "I'm still discussing it with Newt, but there's measures we can take, tests we can do first. Animagi's are human, they don't lose their minds like the werewolves do, so even if the wolf reacted badly then I could get away, out of the wards, or something. Please don't dismiss it completely, Remy, you know me, I'm not going to give this idea up until it fails, but I'm also not going to be reckless about it. Just let me try."

Becoming an Animagus was extremely difficult, I knew that much.

"Okay," I said.

Sirius smiled so widely and hugged me.

I hugged him back. I was quietly confident that Sirius wouldn't achieve this, but I wasn't thinking clearly. Once Sirius got an idea in his head he saw it through to fruition, just like the necklace, but even if he did manage it, that didn't mean I'd let him anywhere near Moony. The risk wasn't worth it. I wouldn't lose Sirius, not again.


	60. Remus' 13th Birthday - 3

**Remus' 13** **th** **Birthday - Part 3**

"Are you ready for your next gift?" Sirius asked, standing up.

We'd spent most of the afternoon in the Whomping Willow just catching up and sharing stories. I didn't mention Nix to him and he didn't ask. We were just having a good time and filling each other in on all the stuff we'd been up to while apart. I still couldn't believe Sirius had made this necklace for me. I liked feeling the silver metal moon resting above my heart, it reminded me that although I had the werewolf curse, my life was far from terrible.

"Russ, you don't need to get me anything else," I said, standing up.

"It's nothing much," Sirius said, "plus I promised you and I keep my promises."

He'd promised? What had he promised me? I had absolutely no idea.

Sirius shook his head. "I can't believe how much you forget, something can be the most important thing in the world to you and then time passes and you forget. It's crazy."

I still had no idea what he was talking about, but I was excited to find out.

After we entered the castle, Sirius made me close my eyes to keep my next gift a surprise. I tried to get out of it, but he was too persuasive. I closed my eyes and then he stepped behind me, placing his hands over them too as added protection. I wasn't going to peek, but I didn't mind this either.

Sirius led me to wherever we were going and as we walked he kept bumping into my back. We hadn't done much physically yet. We had hugged once and sat beside each other in the tree, now this, but aside from that I didn't know his true feelings about me being gay and what that meant for us. I knew I'd have to ask him, but not yet.

We walked for ages and then we stopped.

"Keep them closed," Sirius said as he removed one of his hands and did whatever he needed to do, then we were on the move again.

I still had no idea where he was taking me or for what, but my excitement continued build.

"Okay," he said once we'd stopped, but he didn't remove his hands.

I wondered what he was waiting for. A moment later, his hands dropped and I slowly opened my eyes. There, right in front of me, was the largest chocolate cake I'd ever seen. I remembered now, on his birthday I had asked him for this and only this.

"Whatever you want, you get," Sirius said, still standing right behind me. "Happy thirteenth Birthday, Remy."

"You… I…" I stuttered, the cake was amazing. "You remembered."

"Of course," Sirius said and then I remembered that he was cursed to never forget, well, this was a good bonus to that curse. "One condition," Sirius said, "you can't eat it all, it's way too much and you'll get sick. I have a proposition to you."

I turned and faced him, it was hard, I liked looking at my cake, but it was worth it in the end. I was staring straight into Sirius' gray eyes, we hadn't been this close in months. I sighed, this was right, us, being this close, this was right, this had to be it.

"What kind of proposition?" I asked.

"If you're willing to share your birthday cake with the whole school, I'll come and have birthday dinner in the Great Hall with you. No complaints, just us and James, Peter, Lily too, anyone else you want to invite, and then we can all have cake."

"But you don't like celebrating things in front of others," I said. Why was he doing this?

"Yes, but you do and it's your birthday. Surely you can't resist giving everyone a piece of your cake. Buttons made it, so I bet it's delicious."

"Okay," I said, "and if I choose to stay in the kitchen with you, I can eat it all?"

"I guess," Sirius said, "but it'll make you sick and then… It's your choice to make."

I felt like this was a test or something. I wanted to stay with Sirius, but if our time apart had taught me anything it's that life is better when you share it with more than one person. I looked at my cake again, it was huge and I knew I'd get sick eating it. Sharing it was a nice notion and Sirius would join me with the rest of my friends as we had a birthday dinner in the Great Hall. He said I could invite people, could I invite Nix?

"I'll share it," I said and Sirius smiled proudly at me.

"Good choice," he said, "here."

Sirius handed me a small silver metal sphere.

"What's this?" I asked.

"A new sphere," Sirius said.

"Does it contain the same thing as the last one?" I asked.

"No."

"Will you tell me what was in the last one?"

"No."

Why was he being so tight-lipped?

"I wasn't sure whether or not to give this to you," Sirius said, "I was leaning towards keeping it, but… You've grown, Remy, I can see that, but trust me when I say that you don't want to lose this one. The other one, it didn't matter, not entirely, but this one does. If you manage to keep it and it opens, well, I'll consider telling you what was in the wooden one. I'm trusting you, please don't let me down."

"I won't," I promised him and I wasn't going to. This new silver sphere would stay with me at all times, in my pocket, or somewhere else close. I wouldn't try and destroy it or open it before it was time, I would take care not to lose it, and I would just wait for it to open, as Sirius intended. "Thank you for giving me another chance," I told him.

"Of course," he said, "you're worth it."

Now was my chance, I had to take it.

"Russ, umm…" I trailed off. "...You know I'm gay, right?"

"I do remember you saying that," Sirius said, "what about it?"

"You're cool with it, right?" I asked. "I mean, does this change things between us? Because I don't want that, but I understand if you have a problem with it or something."

"I don't," Sirius said, "I'm actually really happy for you."

"You are?"

"Yeah," he said, "you're only thirteen and you know what you want and you're not afraid to tell your friends about it. Not everyone's that sure you know, are you sure?"

"I think so," I said, "the wolf, he's always had these desires for other boys and I thought it was just him, but then I did too, and we're connected, so it must be true. I just, I don't look at girls the same way, I'm not, or, well, I haven't been attracted to any of them yet. What James and even Halley have said about who they like, well, I've just felt that way about boys, not girls."

"Boys?" Sirius asked. "More than one?"

"Yeah," I felt my face heating up, "two so far, but I don't know. I'm new to all this. If I think someone is good looking I don't know if that means that I like them too, or if it has to be more than that. Then I'm not sure where friendship ends and more would begin, or if that's even how these things work. I have no idea."

"You'll figure it out," Sirius said, "just remember that I don't have a problem with this and if you have any questions, ask me and not James."

I laughed. "I don't know about that," I said, "James explained to me how he feels about Lily, I think he knows what he's talking about. What can you offer me?" I asked.

"Well," Sirius said, "I've kissed three people now and James has kissed no one, even you've kissed someone... Me… Did I turn you gay?"

Sirius smiled at me, he was clearly joking. I pushed him in the shoulder.

"Can I eat my cake yet?" I asked.

"Nope," Sirius said, "but soon. Let's go invite some people to your birthday dinner."

I liked the sound of that. We ended up inviting everyone from our year in our house. I wanted to invite Nix too, but I wasn't sure if I could bring that up with Sirius or not, in the end, it didn't matter.

"Nix." Sirius surprised me by calling out to him in the hallway.

"Yeah?" Nix came over to us.

What was Sirius doing?

"We're having a birthday dinner for Remus in the Great Hall if you want to join us," Sirius told Nix before turning to me, "I'll meet you in there," he said.

Sirius left, leaving me alone with Nix.

"It's your birthday?" Nix asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"How old are you? Thirteen?"

"Yeah."

"That's a pretty big one," Nix said.

"Yeah, I guess. Did you want to join us? We're having chocolate cake." Why couldn't I talk right now? I had no problem talking to Sirius, but Nix had me so flustered.

"I think I'll pass," Nix said, "but maybe you can save me a piece of cake."

"Umm, yeah, sure," I said, "everyone's going to get a piece, Sirius over-estimated."

"Well, I'll look forward to that. Enjoy being thirteen, Remus." Nix left and I stared after him.

I wondered why he didn't join us and then I remembered that he was two years older than us, he probably thought we were just young kids, plus, we weren't even in the same house. I decided it didn't matter and I entered the Great Hall and joined Sirius and our other friends. Everyone wished me a happy birthday and we dug in.

It was a good meal and I enjoyed spending my birthday with those closest to me. Sirius sat next to me, but he stayed quiet most of the time. I knew he didn't like socializing in this way, so I left him be.

"That's a cool necklace," Halley said, "was it a birthday gift?"

"Yeah," I said, without thinking, "Sirius got it for me."

Halley didn't like my answer, but I didn't care.

"It's a moon," Lily said quietly from my other side, "it suits you."

I smiled and nodded my head.

The cake came out and it was amazing, even more so than Sirius' birthday cake, Buttons had really outdone herself. Everyone was enjoying it, even Sirius had gotten a piece and had taken one bite. I knew he only did it for me as he hates chocolate and cake, I smiled at him in appreciation.

As promised, everyone in the Great Hall got a piece of my cake. I scanned the Ravenclaw table, trying to find Nix to see if he was enjoying it too. I saw him sitting with his friends and he was eating a piece with a big smile, he also had some chocolate smeared on his face.

"Why didn't he join us?" Sirius asked, following my gaze.

"He said he didn't want to." I turned back and focused on my friends.

We stayed in the Great Hall talking and joking around long after the cake was gone. Our group was the last to leave and then we went upstairs to Gryffindor Tower.

"So, how was your birthday?" James asked me on the way back.

"Good," I said.

"And you and Sirius are talking again?" he asked.

"Yeah." I smiled.

"Thank fuck," James said, "that was pure hell. Please don't do that again, Sirius."

"Do what?" Sirius smirked before running off, James chased after him.

"Here," Peter said, handing me a bar of chocolate, "Happy Birthday, Remus."

"Thanks, mate."

Peter left too and Lily linked her arm with mine.

"You and Sirius seem better," she said.

"We are."

"Don't let him fool you, Remus," she said, "and don't forget how he treated you these past months."

"He only did it for me," I told her, "so I could grow as a person, and him too."

"I don't know," Lily said, "ignoring someone seems childish to me. ...You know I'm only trying to look out for you."

"I know, thank you, Lily," I said, "but I'm happy with what I'm doing. Sirius knows I'm gay and I've been interested in this other guy, so don't worry about me, I'm not just focusing on him this time around."

"You told Sirius' that?" she asked. "Wow, you have grown up. So, who is this guy?"

"His name is Nix," I said.

"Phoenix?" Lily questioned. "That fifth-year Ravenclaw?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Whoa, way to go, Remus," she said, "he's one good looking boy, do you know if he likes you or not?"

"Not yet," I told her. "Sirius invited him to my birthday dinner, but he declined."

"Sirius invited him?" Lily asked. "You know that's a sign, right, Remus?"

"Yes." But a sign of what? If being around Sirius has taught me anything it's that he's always thinking and he never does something without a lot of forethought. If he asked Nix to join us then he had his reasons, I just didn't know what they were.

We made it to the tower and I bid Lily goodnight as I headed up to my dorm. Sirius was the only one in there.

"Did you have a good birthday?" he asked me.

"Yeah, thanks for making it perfect, Russ," I said, "thank you for my gifts, and your words, and for coming back into my life."

"Come here," Sirius said, opening his arms.

I didn't hesitate, I wrapped my arms around him in return and hugged him fiercely, breathing in his scent. I had missed him so much.

"You're worth it," Sirius said, "don't you ever forget that."

"What the hell?" Peter said. "I knew it, I called it, I knew when you two started talking again you'd start dating. I don't want to see that, I'm requesting another room. I will not subject myself to watching two guys together."

I held onto Sirius tighter, I could feel him shaking with anger in my arms.

"Don't," I pleaded him.

"Why the fuck not?" Sirius asked. "He shouldn't be saying that fucking shit to you. I'm going to fucking kill him."

"Don't worry about it," I said, "I could care less what he thinks of me. Just leave him alone."

"That's un-fucking-acceptable," Sirius said, pulling out of my embrace. "He's going to fucking get it."

"Russ, don't," I called out, "please don't do anything stupid, he's not worth it, just leave him be."

"He attacked you, Remus, I will not let him get away with this."

"Just leave him," I tried again, "just for today, please don't let this ruin my perfect birthday."

Sirius turned back to me.

"If you want to confront him tomorrow," I said, "then go ahead, but please don't do it today, please don't leave me. I only just got you back and I don't want you to go."

Sirius looked resigned. "Fine," he said, "but I'm getting him tomorrow and he better not say another fucking word to you when I'm done with him. You should've fucking told me he was acting this way. I don't want him to taint you, I don't want anyone to steal your goodness."

"Can we please let this drop?" I asked. I liked hearing Sirius get protective over me, but I didn't want him getting himself riled up on my birthday.

I got changed into my pajamas as I watched Sirius closely, making sure he wouldn't go after Peter.

Sirius stood his ground, but stayed by the door.

I got into bed and Rensen joined me, there was only one person missing.

"Russ?" I asked. He did say whatever I wanted, I got. I had to try. "Will you lay with me please? Just until I fall asleep? This all feels like a dream, I feel like I'm going to wake up and you're going to be ignoring me again."

Sirius' face softened and he came over to me.

"I'm not leaving you again," he said, "and I never left you, I was always here. I'm sorry I ignored you, I truly am, but I was mad and then I was determined. That reminds me."

Sirius dug around in his trunk and handed me the wooden sphere. I looked at it, it was crazy to think of how much trouble it had caused. I sat it on my nightstand next to my new silver sphere.

"Will you join me?" I asked. "If it's too much, if you're like Peter, I understand."

Sirius' eyes flashed with rage. "I am not like Peter," he said, "I don't fucking care that you're gay, Remy, I've told you that, it changes nothing for me."

Sirius changed into his pajamas and joined me in my bed. We pulled the curtains closed and laid down. I yawned, it had been a long day. My hand went up to my necklace, making sure it was still there, that all of this was real; it was.

"Thank you for today," I said as I scooped Rensen up and held him to my chest, "it really was the perfect birthday."

Sirius sighed and pulled me to him, so that both Rensen and I were settled on his chest.

"Don't thank me," he said, "you deserve the world and I'm going to make sure you get it."


	61. The Necklace

**The Necklace**

I don't know what Sirius had said to Peter, but Peter hadn't uttered one negative remark to me since the day after my birthday, he'd been really nice actually.

"I think you should take him," Sirius said, "as a test. I know you won't hurt Rensen and he's smart enough to avoid you."

"I don't think that's a good idea," I said from the window well of our dorm.

"You won't hurt him, Remy," Sirius said, "and you need to push yourself."

"I just don't think tonight's the right time," I said, "this is my first change with your necklace and I don't want to have to worry about Rensen as well."

"You have to try at some point," Sirius said, "what if we got another owl or animal, one you didn't care about?"

"I'm not going to kill an animal," I said.

"But you won't," Sirius insisted, "look here." He grabbed one of Newt's letters and came over and sat next to me in the window well. "It says right here, _werewolves don't hurt animals because they relate to them, they don't see them as a threat, they like the fact that they're similar. Werewolves attack humans generally because they're jealous, they don't like that they're normal, they lash out by either wanting to kill them or to turn them into a werewolf_. …You won't hurt him, Remy, I'm sure of that. You still have your dog toys, I'm sure he'll go for them and not Rensen."

"You don't know him," I said, "I know he's me, I accept that fact, but he's different too. He has a mind of his own, he likes things to be a certain way, I can't control him. I know you want to help me, but I don't want to kill anyone, think of how I'd feel if I killed Rensen."

"I know that," Sirius said, "and I understand that, trust me, but you can't deny the facts, Newt is so certain that you won't hurt animals."

"Why is this so important to you?" I asked. There had to be more to his insistence, there always was.

"I…" Sirius said, not meeting my eyes.

"What is it?" I pressed.

"I don't want you to be alone," Sirius whispered. "I know what that's like and I don't want that for you. If I can't be there then at least Rensen can be."

"Russ, I understand your concern," I told him, "but I prefer to be alone, I like that I don't have to worry about anyone else. If the wolf decides to lash out then I'm happy to take the injury as long as it spares everyone else."

"It's gotta be lonely though," Sirius said.

"I guess, but I'm used to it and once the wolf takes over it doesn't even matter. I'm not there, I'm not in control. It's all the wolf. Waking up alone used to be the hardest, but now I have Padfoot, I know he's not real, but it's something, and then… and then I have you. You're always around to greet me, to make sure I'm okay. I'm fine, Russ, I really am. I appreciate where you're coming from, I'm the same way with you, I hate that you have to face your mother alone, but you wouldn't want me there, would you?"

"No," he grumbled, "but I'm not giving up on this, I'm going to become a Animagus and we're going to try this. I don't care if it doesn't matter to you, but it matters to me. I won't leave you alone, not if there's a chance to be with you."

"In the summer," I promised, "on one of the changes, I'll take Rensen with me. It's always harder when I don't have you around, so I'll try it then."

"Thank you, Remy," Sirius said, "that's all I'm asking, that you try. Maybe I can come with you sometime, to the place where you change. We can take Rensen with us and come up with a plan before summer starts, a plan where Rensen can get to safety if need be."

Sirius wanted to see where I spent the full moon? I'd never thought about that before, but I liked the idea of showing him and coming up with an escape plan for Rensen.

"Sure," I said, "just sometime not near the full moon."

Sirius smiled and pulled me to him, I rested my head against his chest.

"You be safe tonight," he said, "you come back to me safe. The necklace should work, but please be safe."

"I will," I said, "and I trust you, Russ. I have full confidence in your necklace, it will work, you'll see."

* * *

 **Moony's POV**

I stretched to my full height and went over to the window. The moon was shining brightly, it was a comforting sight.

I looked around the room. It was starting to feel like home. I liked it here, it was better than the last place.

I went over to the black dog, Padfoot, and stared at its eyes. Those gray eyes calmed me and I nipped at it. I liked that I couldn't hurt it no matter what I did.

I found the jacket and sniffed it. It was still my favorite thing, it was usually warm and it smelled good.

I left it be, I liked to bury myself in it when it was time to sleep, but it wasn't time for that yet. I wanted to play.

I found my ball and grabbed it in my mouth, throwing it up in the air before chasing it, back and forth, up and down.

I liked playing with this ball, it was fun. I threw it too high and it got stuck on a shelf.

I mewed and whimpered as I tried to jump and get it.

I had lost the ball. I needed it back. Something washed over me and I cocked my head to the side. The ball was out of my reach, but it wasn't lost, it was still there and that was okay. I just had to leave it be and let the boy get it when he woke. He could use his magic stick.

I left it be and went over to Padfoot. I put him in my mouth and shook my head back and forth, but it wasn't as fun as playing with the ball.

I dropped it and laid down instead. Maybe I'd go to sleep.

I pulled the jacket over me and bathed in the scent. I felt content. I fell asleep.

* * *

I ran into our dorm room and launched myself on Sirius' bed.

"What the fuck?" he said, ready to push me off, but then he saw it was me.

"It worked," I said, "it worked so well. He lost his toy and usually that would set him off or he'd try and get it, but he just accepted it and then he decided to go to sleep. Usually he waits until he's too tired, but he didn't this time. He was so level-headed. It worked, Russ, it worked."

Sirius smiled at me and it was only then that I realized I was straddling him. I was so happy, all I wanted to do was kiss Sirius, but I couldn't do that.

"I'm glad you're okay," Sirius said, "now get off my dick and lay with me, it's too fucking early to be awake."

I was on his dick? Oh. Now I could feel it and it was hard. I faltered, I didn't want to move, not now. Sirius had already closed his eyes again. I could just shift my hips a little, rub him, make him feel good like he did me. It was as though Sirius knew what I was thinking and he blindly reached for me and pulled me down, so that I was lying beside him.

He shifted his hips away from mine and wrapped his arms around me, resting his head on my chest. This was new, usually I was the one with my head on his chest. I happily took over his usual position and ran my fingers through his hair like he so often did with me. It was good to have him back in my life. Nothing had changed, we had just grown stronger. Being wrapped up in Sirius' scent soothed me and I soon fell asleep.


	62. The Shack

**The Shack**

"Are you ready?" I asked Sirius.

"Now?" He sat up in bed.

"Yeah," I said, scooping up Rensen. "Everyone will be at the final Quidditch match this morning so it's the perfect time."

"James will kill us if we're not there," Sirius said as he got dressed.

"He won't even notice," I told him, "and if we go now we might get back in time."

We snuck out of the castle in the cover of the rising dawn and I froze the Whomping Willow.

"You ready?" I asked.

"Yeah," Sirius said, peering into the dark tunnel, "but you go first."

I climbed down into the tunnel and Sirius followed me.

"It's dark," he said.

"Yeah," I agreed, "light your wand if you're scared. It's this way."

I started leading the way.

"I'm not scared," Sirius said, "I just don't want you to trip."

"Sirius, I've been down this tunnel at least twenty times," I told him, "forty if you count the trip back. It's fine, there's nothing to trip over."

"How do you know that?" Sirius asked, walking close to me.

"Know what?"

"How many times you've been down here?" Sirius said. "You're not the best at remembering things."

"I don't know," I said, "it's just, sometimes, I count the transformations I've been through."

"Really?" Sirius asked. "How many have you been through?"

"Ninety-nine."

"Ninety-nine?" Sirius said. "Fuck, I didn't think it'd be that much. Do you have plans for your one hundredth?"

"No," I said, "it's not something to celebrate."

"Oh, I just thought you would," Sirius said, "you like that kind of stuff."

"It's just another full moon," I told him, "there's nothing special about it. It's not my first and it won't be my last, so why bother."

"Okay," Sirius said, "I was just wondering."

We continued walking.

"Fuck," Sirius said, "how long is this tunnel?"

"Not much further," I told him, "Dumbledore wanted somewhere close but far enough away from the castle."

We arrived and I opened the trapdoor, climbing into the shack. Sirius joined me. I stepped back and watched him as he looked around the shack. I was waiting for him to speak. I knew it wasn't much, but it was better than the dungeon at my parents' place.

"Do you want to explain it all to me?" Sirius asked as he picked up Moony's ball.

"Umm, sure," I said. "I come in, sometimes Poppy joins me, but not so much anymore. I think they trust me enough by now. I take off all my clothes, I fold them and put them in that corner. I set my wand on top. Sometimes I look out the window and then I'll sit over there by the stairs. Then I just wait. Sometimes I keep your jacket close, sometimes I hold Padfoot. When the moon reaches its fullness my…" I looked at Sirius, I couldn't tell him this.

"It's okay, Remy," he said.

I sighed, not meeting his eyes. "My bones break, one by one. It's painful, but I'm used to it now. The worst is when my back breaks, it's always last and then Moony takes over."

"Moony?" Sirius questioned.

"Umm, yeah," I said, "the wolf named himself that. He seems to like it."

"It's cute," Sirius said, "continue."

"So Moony takes over. He always does what he wants and sometimes he lets me remember, sometimes he doesn't. Lately, he usually goes to the window first and sometimes howls at the room. Then he searches for his toys, the ball, Padfoot, your jacket too. I think he just checks they're here. He plays with the ball until he tires himself out and then he lays with Padfoot and pulls your jacket over him and falls asleep. Then I wake up in the morning.

"When I wake up," I continued, "it always takes a while for everything to settle and come back to me. I'm always stiff and sore and when Moony retreats completely, I'm tired. That's why I sleep for most of the day regardless of whether or not I've been hurt. Umm, I guess that's it. I get dressed, I shrink Padfoot, I grab your jacket and then I leave. Poppy is always waiting for me at the tree. If I don't come, she'll come and check on me."

"Okay," Sirius said, "and what happens when you get hurt?"

"Umm, I don't know," I said, "Moony has his reasons. Once, he was trying to get to you. I'm not sure why, but it was when you were in your depression funk our first year, after your mom found out you were in Gryffindor. At the time, I thought he wanted to hurt you, but I think he wanted to check on you. I don't know. When he shredded my hand, he… he wanted to kill me for chaining him up, he doesn't like that, but then your words assaulted him. He stopped because of you, but it wasn't enough, so he had to harm himself. He was trying to be safe for you because you asked us to try."

"It sounds like the wolf hurts you because of me," Sirius said.

"No." That couldn't be right. "Russ, most of my injuries are from before I met you. I've actually been hurt less since we met, way less."

"Yeah, but the wolf is clearly affected by me," he said, "the two examples you gave show this. You use my scent to calm him, I can see that. Why? Why am I so important to Moony?"

"I don't know," I said, "I think he cares for you, desires you even."

"Okay," Sirius said, "and is this just how Moony feels or you too?"

I tensed up, how could he ask me that? How was I supposed to answer? How did I get myself into this?

"Of course I care for you," I said, hoping it would be enough. It wasn't.

"Do you desire me?" Sirius asked.

I couldn't lie, I knew that much. I could never lie to him again, not after I tried to force the truth out of him. Could I be vague? Could I tell him the full truth? What would this mean for us?

"It's a simple question, Remus," Sirius said. "Do you desire me?"

He used my full name. I had to tell the truth, Sirius deserved nothing less.

"I do," I said, my heart beating frantically.

Sirius' eyes met mine and there was an intensity there, but then it disappeared.

"Okay," he said. "Show me these wards and we can come up with a plan to keep Rensen safe."

Okay… Okay? That was it? Well, it wasn't negative and that was a positive. I wanted to question him further, but I couldn't risk it. I'd take his okay because Sirius now knew I desired him and he was still here. Maybe soon I'd find the courage to ask if he desired me too. Maybe.


	63. - END OF SECOND YEAR -

**End of Second Year**

My transformation last night had gone just as well as my last. I walked into my dorm and immediately noticed that Sirius wasn't here, but I saw something else.

"What's this?" I asked, looking at the piece of chocolate cake beside my bed.

"Sirius put it there," James said, "he told me to tell you Happy 100th. I think he might've hit his head or something, you're not one hundred and it's not your birthday."

I smiled, I had told Sirius I didn't want anything. Last night had been my one hundredth transformation, I didn't think much of it, it was just something I had to do no matter what, but I wasn't going to turn down free cake.

I sat down on my bed and started eating it.

James laughed. "Shouldn't you have breakfast first or something?"

"Cake can be breakfast," I said. "Plus, I need to get to bed, so this is perfect."

"I can't believe you get out of our last day," James said. "The school year is over, we've passed, yet they still expect us to attend classes before the end-of-year feast tonight, it's crazy."

"You know I'd rather be in class," I said.

"Of course you would," James agreed. "Are you looking forward to summer break?"

"Not really."

"You should come and visit me," James said, "you know, sometime outside of your prior commitment. You think your parents would be cool with that? We can have a sleepover and just do whatever we want."

"Sure," I said, smiling at the thought. I'd never been to a friend's house before. "I'll send Rensen to you and we can set it up."

"You think Sirius would come too?" James asked.

"I honestly don't know," I said, "you could ask him and see."

"I think I will," James said, "it would be good to have us all there. …Can I invite Pete too?" he asked. "I know you and Sirius don't really get along with him."

"It's your sleepover," I said, "I don't mind."

"Okay, good," James said, "I'll have to ask my parents, but maybe sometime in the middle of summer to break it all up?"

"Sounds perfect." I finished my piece of cake and got into bed.

"I'll see you after classes," James said, leaving the room.

I really liked this new idea. It would be good to get away from home and spend some time with James and maybe even Sirius. I knew I needed rest, but I hated that I was basically wasting my last day here, my last day with Sirius, but there was nothing I could do about that. Moony needed rest to recover, so rest he would get.

* * *

"You know I love you, right?" I told Sirius. "And that I'm going to miss you. ...I wish we could, I don't know, just be together all the time."

"We could be," Sirius said. "I wouldn't mind that."

"You wouldn't?" I questioned him. "Do you, umm, do you like me too? Do you desire me?"

"Of course, Remy," Sirius said, "you're perfect, I've told you that before. I love you, with all my heart."

"Oh, Russ, I love you too. I never thought this day would come."

"Remy… Remy."

"What?" I asked, sitting up in bed.

I blinked a couple of times. Where was I? I was staring into gray eyes, Sirius' eyes. Where was I?

"I love you, Russ," I said and he frowned.

"What?" he asked.

"We were… I was… What's going on?"

"You were sleeping," Sirius told me, "I didn't mean to wake you, but we don't have much time left."

I was sleeping? So, it had only been a dream? Sirius didn't love me too? I should've known, I wasn't brave enough to ask him. I was too afraid of being rejected. I'd rather live in my fantasy world where Sirius might love me one day, rather than knowing for sure that he never would.

"What time is it?" I asked.

"Just after two," Sirius said, "I skipped out early. Are you feeling okay?"

"Umm, yeah," I said, "you just woke me up from a deep sleep, that's all."

Sirius sat on my bed and pushed my hair away from my face.

"You know I love you too, right?" he said.

"Yeah, Russ, I know." I needed to change the subject before he mentioned that it was as a friend only. "James said something about having us over during the summer."

"He told me," Sirius said. "If I can be there, I will."

"Do you think it will be bad?" I asked. "Being at home with your mother?"

We hadn't talked about this yet, we both knew I would be fine over the summer as I had all of my precautions put into place. I knew what to expect, but Sirius didn't.

"I have high expectations," Sirius said, "as long as I keep my head down and don't do anything to provoke her, I should be fine. Regulus made it into Slytherin and Slytherin won the house cup, so that should keep them occupied. I have a backup plan too," Sirius said. "If need be, I'll send Rensen to Uncle Alphard and maybe I can spend some time with him again. I'll be fine, Remy. We'll send Rensen back and forth, and we'll both be fine."

"And if we're not?" I asked. Someone had to.

"My mother won't kill me," Sirius said, "not now, it would be too much of a hassle to cover up since I started Hogwarts, too many people care about me not to notice, and I'm not wishing death on myself anymore either, so if anything happens, we can handle it. As long as it's not death, we'll be fine. Do you think Moony will kill you?" Sirius asked.

"I don't think so," I said, "it's only two transformations this time, not three, and I think I can get through them without you. I'll have Rensen for one of them, plus I'm looking forward to going to James' house. I think I'll be fine. Plus, you're right, if Moony harms me and doesn't' kill me, then we can deal with it."

"I really wish we didn't have to go through this," Sirius said, "but it's only for three and a half more years. The moment I turn seventeen, I'm out of that house and I'm never going back. I just have to make it through the summer breaks, it's going to be hard as I don't like to sit by, but I'll try my best. I won't let her get to me, I promise."

"Just write to me," I said, "I'm on your side, I'm here to listen and to help you. I'm sure you can come to my place for a break too. I don't think my parents would care."

"Yes, they would," Sirius said.

"What do you mean?" I asked. Surely, they wouldn't.

"I'm a Black," Sirius said, "and aside from everything negative that brings with it, everyone knows my family associates with other like-minded people, like Greyback."

Oh, right.

"We could lie," I said, "tell them you're someone else."

"Remy," Sirius said, "it's not worth it. If they figure it out then they will forbid our friendship. We'll have James' house, okay, I'll do all I can to be there, but only if it's safe for me. It's just the summer and then we have nine uninterrupted months together. It's such a short amount of time and before we know it, we'll be seventeen and we'll have graduated and then we can do whatever we want with our lives."

It all sounded good.

"What are you going to do?" I asked. "After you've graduated?"

"Not sure," Sirius said, "get a place somewhere, live life how I've always dreamed, not having to worry about anyone. Just be… free. I know I have to get there first, but it will be worth it. What about you?"

"I have no idea, I haven't really thought about it. I used to think I'd just go back home, but not now. I'd like to find somewhere safe for Moony, somewhere like the shack, but different. Aside from that, I'm note sure."

Life after Hogwarts would be hard for me, no one would hire a werewolf no matter how brilliant I might be. The only thing I knew for certain was that I wanted Sirius to be with me, but I wasn't going to mention that. We still had four years for me to find the courage to ask him to join me.

"I'll help you find a place for him," Sirius said.

"You will?" I asked.

"Of course," Sirius said, "you're important to me, you know this. Now, how do you want to spend the rest of our time together?"

There were so many options, but there was one thing I wanted to do most.

"Will you come to the end-of-year feast with me?" I asked. Sirius frowned. "I know you probably don't want to, but I'd like you to, if not, I guess we could just catch up after."

"Tell you what," Sirius said, "you go to the feast and when you get back here you can tell me all about it."

"Why don't you like the celebratory feasts?" I asked. "You have no problem eating in the Great Hall on a normal day."

"I actually do mind," Sirius said, "but I've gotta play the part."

"Will you tell me why?" I asked.

"I… Umm…" Sirius faltered, sighing as he rubbed his face. "My mother, she… she makes me sit on the floor to eat. Everyone… Everyone watches me, and she… she makes our house elf Kreacher kick me every time he walks past. He's always muttering stuff about me, how much I'm a disgrace to the Black family name, how much he loves my mother. I… It's just not a good experience for me. I know it's not like that here, but I keep expecting it to be."

"Has it always been like that?" I asked.

"No," Sirius said, "only after I accidentally spilled the gravy when we had important company over. It went everywhere, on everyone, it was a mess."

I hated hearing about all the stuff Sirius had gone through, but it had me wondering.

"Does your brother ever get into trouble like this?" I asked.

"Not really," Sirius said. "Things were good for a while, but then I got my sense of self and I didn't mesh in with what my mother wanted me to be. In the beginning, I tried so hard to pretend, but I can't be something I'm not. Getting sorted into Gryffindor really solidified it all for me. I may be Black by name, but I am not like them, and that's okay. I'm actually glad."

"Oh, Russ," I hugged him, "I'm so proud of you, I know coming to this realization must've been tough."

"I think I knew it for a long while," he said, wrapping his arms around me, "I just had to learn to let them go. That's why going back this time is going to be harder, I'm going to have to play the part so well, so she doesn't suspect anything."

"You can do it," I pulled back, "you're smart, look at all those perfect scores."

Sirius now had thirteen perfect scores on the wall, he had kicked butt this year. Most of them were from when he was trying to get on Flitwick and McGonagall's good side for my necklace. He had calmed down now, but it didn't matter. Sirius knew he was smart, he accepted that, and that's all I've ever wanted for him.

"I'm going to miss you," I told him.

Sirius smiled. "I'll miss you too, Remy, but we can do this."

He seemed so certain, I hoped he was right.


	64. The Potters

**The Potters**

"Are you sure you want to do this?" my mom asked me. "You can just stay home."

"Mom," I said, "James is my friend, I want to visit him. It's not a full moon, I will be fine."

"You know I just worry about you." She brought me into a hug. "Your father and I are going to come with you, just to meet them, okay?"

If this is what it took for them to let me go then I'd do it.

"Sure, Mom."

"Good, do you have everything you need?"

I looked at my satchel. "Yeah, I think so."

"And you'll let us know if you want to come home?"

"Mom, I'm thirteen," I told her, "I'm not a little boy anymore."

"You're growing up way too fast," she smiled at me, "okay, I'll get your father and we'll go."

We took the Floo Network to Fleamont and Euphemia Potter's house. They were standing near the fire ready to greet us. James' parents were older than I expected them to be.

"You must be Remus," James' mother Euphemia said, coming forward and bringing me into a hug, "it's so good to meet you." She let me go and went to greet my parents next with James' father Fleamont.

I walked over to James and he put his arm around me. "I can't believe you're here," he said, "I've been going stir crazy without my mates."

"Are the others coming too?" I asked.

"Not sure," James said, "Peter's a definite no, his parents took a trip to Ireland, and Sirius, well, who knows with him. He said he would if he could. No matter, at least you came, Remus."

I nodded. I hoped Sirius would come, I missed him. We had sent letters back and forth and Sirius had ensured me that his mother hadn't done anything terrible to him yet, but I wanted to see him with my own eyes. And even if she'd done nothing physically, I bet she had attacked his mind. I constantly thought of him having to eat on the floor like a dog, it was sickening.

My mother laughed and my head shot up, my mother hardly laughed. Even my father was smiling wildly.

"Wanna see my room?" James asked.

"Sure."

James led me to his room and the moment I entered, I laughed.

"What?" James asked.

There was Gryffindor paraphernalia everywhere.

"Nothing," I said, picking up a stuffed lion, "what house were you sorted into again?"

"Shut up," James said, "I'm proud to be a Gryffindor, so what of it? When Lily and I have kids they'll be in Gryffindor too, just you wait and see."

"Aren't you getting a bit ahead of yourself," I said, "Lily doesn't even like you."

"Yeah, but I love her," James said, "it's her or no one. Do you still feel that way about Sirius or do you like Phoenix now?"

"No idea," I answered honestly. I knew I loved Sirius, but I was attracted to Nix too and I didn't know what that meant. I wasn't like James, if Sirius didn't like me back then I think I could move on, maybe, with time.

"Remus, James," Euphemia called out.

We made our way back into the main room and my parents proceeded to say goodbye to me with many hugs. I gritted through it, feeling a little embarrassed in front of James. My mother reminded me that I could leave at any time and then they were gone. I breathed a sigh of relief, I half expected my mother to stay the night with me.

"Let's do something fun," Euphemia said.

"Let's leave them to do whatever they want," Fleamont suggested, pulling his wife away.

"They're so…" James trailed off, "annoying."

"They love you," I stated.

"Yeah," James agreed, "maybe it's a good thing if Sirius doesn't come, I don't want him to feel sorry for himself or anything."

"He wouldn't," I said, "he'd be happy for you, just like I am. Your parents seem great, James."

* * *

We were in the living room playing a game of Exploding Snap with James' parents watching us when the fire changed color. I looked towards it, hoping it would be Sirius. It was.

Sirius stepped out of the flames with his black hair wild, his dragon hide jacket open with a white shirt underneath and Rensen nestled in the crook of his elbow.

"Rensen," I screamed jumping up and taking him from Sirius. Rensen had been spending most of his time with Sirius and I didn't blame him.

Sirius chuckled. "What about me?" he asked.

"You know he's only friends with you because of Rensen, right?" James said.

"Watch it," Sirius told him.

"Hi, Sirius," Euphemia said, smiling kindly at him, but keeping her distance, "we're glad you could join us."

Sirius tensed up and didn't say anything.

"The boys were just playing some Exploding Snap," Fleamont said, "why don't you join them."

Sirius stared at James' parents for a beat before sitting down with us. We started playing again as Rensen snoozed on my shoulder, the loud snaps didn't even disturb him. Sirius kept looking at James' parents every so often, he was still tense.

I reached out and squeezed Sirius' knee. His eyes met mine and I smiled. Sirius smiled back and started to relax, he didn't look at James' parents again. It was good to see.

* * *

"Your parents are weird," Sirius said and James threw a pillow at him.

"Watch it," James warned, "or you can go back home."

Sirius tensed at that comment, James didn't notice, but I did.

"I agree," I said, "they're extremely weird, but in a good way. You always told us how nice and kind they were, but who knew you were right?"

"You two are jerks," James said, "I wish Peter was here, he's always on my side."

"Better yours than ours," Sirius said.

"Shouldn't we all be on the same side?" James asked, grabbing his pillow back and laying down.

We were on the floor in his bedroom, all in a line, with Sirius in the middle. I hugged my pillow to my chest and watched my two friends. I liked being with them like this outside of school.

"He's a rat," Sirius said, "always looking out for himself and no one else, except for maybe you, James, if he wasn't a huge homophobe I'd think he was gay for you."

"Speaking of Peter's homophobic tendencies," James said, "I haven't seen or heard him reacting negatively to Remus for a while. He did say he was switching dorms, right? What happened there?"

"Nothing," Sirius said, "I just reminded him as to why he should learn to keep his mouth shut."

"You must've done something to him," James said, "we all know he can't keep quiet."

"Maybe I did," Sirius said, "but you don't need to know the details."

"Will you tell me?" I asked.

"No," Sirius said, "just know that he's not going to bother you about your sexual orientation again."

Even though I wanted to know the details, it was good to know that Sirius had handled the situation. I had been getting so sick of Peter's remarks.

I yawned and snuggled further under my blanket. "Is anyone else cold?" I asked.

"No," James and Sirius said at the same time.

"It's freezing in here," I said, trying to get warm. Okay, so it wasn't freezing, but it was cold.

"Snuggle up to Sirius," James said, "you guys share a bed more often than not anyway."

"We do not," Sirius replied, "it's just every now and then."

"If you say so," James said.

"Umm," I said, half sitting up, "where did we land on that whole thing? Because I really am cold. Maybe we can switch and I can be in the middle."

"No," Sirius answered immediately.

"Why not?" I asked confused.

"Yeah, why not?" James said. "Are you afraid he'll fall in love with me. Come in the middle, Remus, and we can make out a little, Sirius won't mind, we'll just wait until he's asleep."

"Shut up," Sirius told him.

"Remus," James said, "I'm waiting for your answer."

I knew he was only joking, but it was good to see.

"No, thank you," I said, "I wouldn't want to kiss anyone that Lily wouldn't."

Sirius laughed. "That was beautiful."

James huffed and turned away from us.

"Do you mind?" I asked Sirius.

"You're really that cold?" he questioned.

"Yeah." Plus, I missed him, but he didn't need to know that.

"Fine." He sighed.

I laid back down and wriggled closer to Sirius so I was against his side and then I yawned again, closing my eyes. I was already tired and being surrounded by Sirius' scent always calmed me. I started dozing almost immediately. After a while, Sirius wrapped his arms around me and pulled me so I was resting half on top of him. I was almost asleep when I heard James' whispered words.

"You know he likes you, right?" James said.

Thankfully, I was too out of it to tense up at the comment. Why was James telling Sirius that I liked him?

"I know," Sirius whispered back.

He knew I liked him? I tried to stay awake to hear what came next.

"You better not hurt him," James said.

"I won't."

"Make sure you don't or I'll make your life hard."

"Good luck with that," Sirius said.

"I'm being serious," James hissed, "you're leading him on. I can forgive your actions from before, but now that you know he likes you, you're responsible for whatever you do. Remus looks at you like the moon shines out of your fucking ass and Merlin knows why. If you don't like him back, please leave him alone."

"James," Sirius said, "Remy and I have always been close, this is how we are as friends. I'm not leading anyone on."

"Whatever," James said, "but know that I'm choosing Remus' side if it comes to that."

"Whatever," Sirius said.

I felt Sirius turn towards me and hold me to him tighter. Nothing he said was clear, but at least he knew I liked him. I knew I'd probably have to tell him in person still, but at least he knew and he was still here, but was that as a friend or as more? I had no idea.

* * *

"Okay," Sirius said the next morning, "I've got to go. Thank you for letting me stay the night Mr. and Mrs. Potter."

"It was our pleasure, Sirius," Euphemia said, "you're welcome here anytime."

"Thanks."

James' parents left us.

"Are you going straight to your uncle's?" I asked Sirius.

"Yeah," he said, "it was the only way I could come here, my mother thinks I'm already there."

I pulled him into a hug. "Be safe," I told him.

"Hey, that's my thing," Sirius said, hugging me back tightly. "You be safe too. Are you taking Rensen with you this full moon?"

"Yeah," I said, breathing in his scent.

"You'll be fine," Sirius told me. "I left my jacket near your bag." He had? Sirius pulled back, but before he let me go he kissed me on the forehead. What did that mean? "I'll see you when summer ends," he said.

I nodded and Sirius said goodbye to James before he left.

"So," James said, "what do you want to do until you have to leave?"

* * *

James and I spent the morning playing Wizard's Chess, he was terrible at it, just like I thought he'd be, but it was fun to watch him get frustrated. I also used the time to annoy him about Lily, thankfully he hadn't mentioned Sirius to me at all. James hadn't known I'd overheard them last night, but I was glad he was on my side. He was a good friend.

"I need a drink," James said, clearly not wanting to start a new game of chess with me.

"Why?" I asked, "Lily isn't in there."

James groaned and I laughed.

Euphemia came into the room and sat on the couch.

"So," she said, patting the spot next to her. I stood up and sat down. "There really is a Lily, is there?"

"Yeah," I smiled, "love at first sight according to James. …Oh, I probably shouldn't have said that."

"Never mind that," Euphemia told me, "you know James, he can't stay quiet, he tells us everything."

Everything? Did they know about Sirius and me?

"I wanted to give you something," she said, handing me a photograph.

The photo was dark, so it took me a moment to work it out. It was a photo of Sirius and me sleeping. Sirius was frowning, his body completely tense and then he rolled towards me, burying his nose in my hair, and a moment later he had relaxed fully. The photo repeated on a loop.

It was weird to see Sirius and me from this perspective. I was a light sleeper, but I never knew Sirius slept with so much discomfort, he almost looked like he was in pain, but then he was calm. Did my scent soothe him too?

"You know," Euphemia said, "true love is never perfect or easy, but you need to recognize it when you have it. People are always foolishly fighting for the wrong things in life, but love, that's always worth fighting for."

Euphemia patted me on the knee and stood up. I watched her go before I looked back at the photo. I was certain James must've told her that I liked Sirius, but I couldn't help but focus on her words. She was telling me to fight for him and to accept it, but I'd already accepted it, hadn't I?

"What's that?" James asked.

"Nothing," I said, sliding the photograph into my pocket.

I wanted to continue staring at it. I liked seeing Sirius and me in each other's arms, I liked seeing him calm down with my scent, but there would be plenty of time to look at it later. Either way, the photo was a good sign. I just needed to be brave and fight for him, but I was still so scared of being rejected and losing him all together. There had to be some way I could find out for sure, but how?


	65. Moony and Rensen

**Moony and Rensen**

"Can you look after this for me?" I asked Irma as I handed her the photograph of Sirius and me sleeping.

Irma took it and started cooing, which was horrible as it didn't match her tough persona at all.

"This is so cute," she said. "Look… And, ah… You two are adorable and clearly madly in love with each other."

"If you say so," I said, wanting to evade any heavy talk about how Sirius really felt about me. I didn't want to go into this full moon questioning anything.

"Why are you giving this to me?" Irma asked.

"Well, I can't take it with me," I said, "and I'm not leaving it around for anyone to find."

"Right," she said, "you could take it with you though, sit it outside the wards."

"I can't risk that," I said, "I don't want to destroy it."

"I could put a preserving charm on it," Irma said, "that way you'll have it forever."

"Okay," I accepted. I liked the idea of that, that no matter what happened between Sirius and me I'd always have this moment frozen in time to look at. "I better get going," I said.

I put Rensen inside Sirius' dragon hide jacket and pulled my cloak over the top. I wasn't sure if Dumbledore was at the castle or not, but I wasn't taking any chances.

"Are you going to be around tomorrow?" I asked Irma.

She nodded her head.

"Good," I breathed a sigh of relief, "if anything happens, if the wolf hurts Rensen, I'm going to need you."

"Think positively," she told me.

Right. I smiled at her, and Rensen and I were on our way. Poppy no longer walked me to the shack, she thought I was old enough now, but she still waited for me the next day just to be sure I was alright.

Once in the shack, I cradled Rensen in my hands and looked at him seriously.

"Now," I said, "we've been through all this with Sirius, but I'm going to tell you again. I trust you, so do what you want with Moony, but please be safe. This shelf," I showed Rensen the shelf Moony had gotten the ball stuck on, "it's safe. If you need to get away and you can't fly through the wards, which I suspect you won't be able to, then stay on this shelf, he can't get to you there. If he somehow manages to, fly higher. Please be safe, Rensen. I don't want to hurt you."

Rensen hooted. I wasn't sure this was a good idea, but Sirius wanted me to try so badly. I wouldn't have gone through with it if Irma hadn't ensured me that Sirius' protection charm was still in place and holding strong on Rensen. It calmed me to know that if Moony did get Rensen then the damage would be less. Plus, I had the necklace and it helped Moony act more calmly. I was still afraid, I didn't want to lose Rensen, I loved him.

I put Rensen down as I disrobed and then I sat by the stairs. I kept Sirius' jacket with me and Rensen burrowed into it. I wanted to smile at how much he clearly loved Sirius, but I was too tense.

"Don't push him," I warned Rensen, "he's not me, he's an animal, he will hurt you if he wants to. Please," I said, my eyes drilling into Rensen's big yellow ones, "be safe."

Rensen looked annoyed and I sighed. I knew he was a smart owl, I just needed to let go and put my trust in him, trust that he'd do the right thing, but it was so hard letting go. I liked to be in control, I liked to know all the outcomes, not knowing, putting myself in a state of rejection or hurt wasn't something I liked to do if it could be avoided, but I knew I needed to start taking more risks.

My first bone broke and I looked nervously at Rensen. I hoped he'd listen to me and be safe, but I also knew how cheeky he could be. He was always pecking and annoying Sirius and me, mainly me, he loved Sirius too much, maybe even more than me. My back broke and I looked at Rensen helplessly, please be safe.

* * *

 **Moony's POV**

I stretched and the first thing I noticed was that the little ball of feathers was back, Rensen. He was lying there on my jacket, it annoyed me a little, but not much. I was just happy he was back.

I sniffed him and he looked at me. I took a couple of steps back not wanting to hurt him. I wouldn't give the boy a reason to take Rensen from me again. The little ball of feathers wouldn't move, so I tried something else.

I found my ball and dropped it in front of Rensen. I really wanted to play with him again. He didn't move. I whined and pushed the ball closer with my nose. Why wasn't he playing with me?

I started pacing back and forth. I was angry, why wouldn't he play with me? Why was he here if he was just going to sleep? My emotions continued to rise and I hit the point of no return. The point where I lashed out, but my emotions dropped. I was still angry, but it was only mild now. I huffed.

I approached Rensen again and laid my head next to him, whining. I poked him with my paw. Rensen moved and pecked me. Ow, that hurt. I pulled my paw back and looked at him. Why didn't I want to kill him?

I reached towards Rensen again and I was pecked again. It didn't hurt as much this time, I think last time just surprised me. I pulled my paw back and then reached forward again, this was a game, I liked games.

I continued to play with him this way, but it was becoming less fun. I wanted to run and chase and catch. I mewed, whimpering again. My eyes never left Rensen. Couldn't we play together like last time? I wouldn't try to kill him again.

I shuffled closer to Rensen and licked him. He tasted good. I didn't want to eat him, but it was a different kind of taste. Kind of sweet like the jacket. I licked him again and he finally got fed up with me and flew away.

I jumped up, giving chase. This was fun, this was what I needed. I chased Rensen all over the room. Leaping and lunging, trying to catch him.

I could catch him so easily, but I didn't want the game to be over, I didn't want the boy to be upset with me.

I ran and jumped until I was out of breath. Rensen was too. I laid down on the jacket as I watched him sitting on the shelf. I didn't look away. Why was he up there and not with me?

I didn't have much time to worry about it because I was too tired. I closed my eyes and started to fall asleep. Something warm landed near my chin and it burrowed itself against my neck. Rensen.

I pulled myself tighter into a ball, wanting to protect Rensen at all costs. I had my friend back. I had missed him. I smiled as I fell asleep.


	66. - THIRD YEAR -

**Third Year Begins**

"Moony didn't even hurt him," I said.

We were on the Hogwarts Express ready to start our third year. James and Peter sat on one side of the compartment and me and Sirius were on the other side. Sirius had grown so much since our first year that when he sat in his spot against the window with his legs stretched out towards me, they now rested on my lap. We were all growing.

"Who's Moony?" Peter asked.

"Remus' friend from back home," Sirius said without missing a beat, "he's a Muggle, you know."

Peter clammed up. "I'm going to get something to eat," he squeaked, jumping up to leave us.

Sirius laughed. He was too good at knowing exactly what to say to people for them to do what he wanted.

"It went well," I continued, "Sirius was right," I smiled at him, "Moony didn't want to hurt Rensen. There was one moment where he got frustrated, but he calmed himself down." I touched the necklace around my neck.

"So, what does this mean?" James asked.

"I'm not sure," I answered honestly, "I still don't want to hurt Rensen and I still don't trust Moony fully, but I think every now and then it'd be a good treat for him. Take it slow, see how it goes."

"Sounds smart," James said.

"What do you think?" I asked Sirius.

He didn't say anything for a beat. "I think it's a wise decision," he said, "it's not how I would approach the situation, but you're not me."

What did he mean by that?

"What would you do?" I asked.

"Dive in head first," Sirius said, "let the chips fall where they may."

That wasn't right, something was wrong. Sirius was always thinking and planning, he always knew what he was doing. There was no way he'd ever let the chips fall where they may.

"What happened this summer?" I asked him.

Sirius looked at James, so I did too.

"Do you want me to leave?" James asked, but Sirius didn't say anything. "It's okay," James stood up, "I'll go check on Pete."

James left and Sirius sighed. "What do you want to know?" he asked me.

"How were things with your mother?" I tried being direct.

"It went well," Sirius said, "I kept my head down, I didn't do anything to provoke her, no time was spent in the dungeon. It was as good as it could be."

"And?" I prompted him. He looked at me confused. "You can trust me," I said, resting my hands on his legs.

"I don't know what you want from me," he said.

"The truth."

Sirius scoffed. I knew I had that coming. I couldn't ask him to be truthful, not after what I'd done.

"You know what I mean," I said. Sirius stayed silent. "Did she make you sit on the floor to eat?" I asked and Sirius' eyes flared with anger.

"Yes," he gritted out.

"What else?" I asked.

"Remy, you know how I feel about this," he said. "You already know more than I'd like."

"Fine," I said, "tell me about your time at your Uncle's."

"What about it?"

He was so frustrating when he wanted to be.

"Did he give you any more tattoos?" I asked, trying to joke with him, but it didn't work.

"No."

"But he's helping you, isn't he?"

"Where's this coming from?" Sirius asked.

"Something's off," I said, "you don't dive in head first, not unless you're on top of everything."

"People can change, Remy," he said, "maybe I'm just tired of trying to control everything."

"He's doing something to you, isn't he?" I pressed. "Your uncle. Sirius, what's he doing? That tattoo, I know it works, but it's a curse, you're cursed to never forget. What's he doing to you?"

"Nothing I don't want," Sirius said, pulling his legs away from me and leaning against the window so he could look outside and not at me. "He's helping me."

"How?" I asked.

Sirius sighed. "He's fostering a skill I already have, helping me to control it, to use it for my protection."

"What is it?" I asked. "What skill?"

"I don't think that's relevant," Sirius said, still staring out the window.

"Tell me this," I said, "it's changing you, isn't it? Tell me why?"

"No," Sirius said, his voice firm. "I don't know why you do this, Remus, why can't you just leave things alone?"

"I do it because I care about you," I told him, "I made a mistake with the truth serum, I accept that, but the truth is important and I-"

"The truth is important?" Sirius cut me off. "That's rich coming from you, and I'm not talking about the truth serum, I'm talking about you. Is there anything you want to tell me?" Sirius' eyes met mine.

I was confused for a moment, but then it hit me. He knew I liked him and I hadn't told him yet, he had to be talking about that. He wanted to hear it from me, but what if I was wrong? I needed to put myself out there. He already knew, it'd be okay.

"I… I like you, Russ," I said, "as more than a friend." I needed to keep going. "I'm always thinking about you, your eyes, kissing you, being with you. I just… It scares me, I don't want to lose you. It's okay if you don't feel the same way, but please don't leave me."

I shut my mouth and waited.

Sirius' face was unreadable. I wondered what he'd say.

I could hear James and Peter outside the door, but I wasn't wasting this chance. They would not interrupt us. I grabbed my wand and locked the door. James and Peter weren't happy with being locked out, but I didn't care. I threw up a silencing charm and focused on Sirius.

Sirius kept glancing at James and Peter before he'd look back at me.

"I know you like me," Sirius said and I wanted to strangle him.

I couldn't ask him outright if he liked me back, I couldn't. If he told me right now that he didn't like me, I'd deal with it because he would've offered the information himself, but if I asked him and he rejected me… I couldn't put myself in the position. I needed to protect myself. I knew it was probably stupid, but it's how I felt.

"Is that all you have to say?" I said, trying to find a way that would get him to open up more without me having to ask him directly.

"This doesn't change our friendship," Sirius said, emphasizing the word friendship.

My heart sunk. Friends, we were only friends, he didn't like me as more.

"Do… Do you think you could ever like me like that?" I asked.

Oh no, I think I crossed the line. I didn't want this, I didn't want to hear the truth, the rejection.

"Do you know what Legilimency is?" Sirius asked.

"Yes," I blew out a breath, "but can we please stay focused?"

I didn't want to talk about that, I wanted to keep being brave.

"That's what my uncle's teaching me," Sirius said, "it's a skill I started to acquire from living with my mother, but he's helping me to control it. I've known about your feelings for a while now and even before then I had my suspicions. I was waiting for you to tell me, but I'm sick of waiting. As for if I like you too... You can't handle my answer, Remy, so I refuse to tell you."

He didn't like me. I'd be over the moon if he liked me back, but he didn't want to crush my feelings and there was only one reason for that; he only liked me as a friend.

"Do you know everything I'm thinking?" I asked, dropping my eyes.

"No," Sirius said, "I just get flashes sometimes, that's why my uncle is trying to help me control it. If I can see into people's minds then they won't be able to hurt me, my mother won't be able to hurt me. ...I'm sorry I can't give you the answer you want, Remy, but please know that I'm always on your side."

Even in rejection Sirius was being so kind to me. He hadn't said he didn't like me though, I knew it was silly, but my brain was hanging onto that fact. Plus, people changed, both Sirius and I had changed so much. I was more confident and patient, less impulsive, I hardly even stuttered anymore, and Sirius was starting to accept his good traits, he was letting more people see that side of him, professors too. We were both changing and that made me hopeful that even if he didn't love me now then maybe he'd grow to love me.


	67. Branching Out

**Branching Out**

It was the first official day of our third year and Sirius was avoiding me again, I didn't mind, I knew our talk on the train was heavy and that these things always weighed heavy on Sirius' mind. I gave him his space. It was easier this time because I knew Sirius wouldn't take three months to come back to me , and I had my own life separate from his, which was something I didn't really have last time.

"That makes no sense," James said.

I looked towards Flitwick, but he wasn't paying us any attention.

"It's not that hard to understand," I said, "maybe it's just above your level."

Sirius smiled, but said nothing.

"Explain it to me one more time," James said.

I wrote down another sentence on my piece of parchment. "Why?" I asked.

"Because you're an information hog," James said, "sharing is caring, Remus. Just tell me, and do it in a way so I understand."

I sighed and placed my quill back in the ink. "There's good and then there's evil," I said, "and you're evil."

"You're a jerk." James reached past Peter, trying to get to me.

"Mr. Potter," Professor Flitwick said, "do I need to move you somewhere else?"

"This is Remus' fault," James bit back, "punish him, not me."

"Mr. Lupin's fault?" Flitwick laughed. "I highly doubt that, Mr. Potter."

James huffed and I felt a little sorry for him.

"Here," I said, switching his piece of parchment with mine, "read that and I'll fix yours."

"You do that and he'll never learn," Sirius said.

I didn't make a big deal out of it, but I did smile. Sirius was already coming back to me, but I wasn't going to force him.

"Oh, I see what I'm doing wrong," James said.

"Really?" Peter asked.

"Nope, not a clue," James said, "Remus' handwriting is too pretty, it's all linked together and I can't read a word of it."

Seriously?

"I'll take it," Sirius said, grabbing my piece of parchment off James, "you can have mine." Sirius' sheet of parchment went to James.

"What about me?" Peter asked.

"If Sirius' sucks," James told Peter, reading it over, "then you can have it."

We sat in silence as we worked.

"No," James said, "this part's wrong, the wrist movement is counter-clockwise not clockwise, right, Remus?"

"Here, all fixed," I gave James his sheet back and took Sirius' off him, "you had eighty per cent of it right," I told him, "you just need to pay more attention to your pronunciation and where the inflections should be."

"Is someone going to look over mine?" Peter asked.

"I'll do it," James said.

I read through Sirius' work, he'd get a ninety at least. I wasn't going to correct his as I knew he didn't want nor need my help. He was sitting on the other side of James reading through my work, undoubtedly seeing where he had gone wrong. When he was done we silently switched our parchments back and I watched Sirius as he corrected his own work.

"Sorry," James said, handing Peter his work back, "but I don't think anyone can help you, this is all wrong."

"Give me a look," I said. I had nothing else to do.

James was right, Peter would only scrape a fifty and that was if Flitwick was feeling generous and he never was. I gave Peter his work back and grabbed the textbook, finding the right page.

"Read this," I told Peter. If he couldn't understand it after he was done then it was up to him to ask for my help.

"Done," James said.

"Done," Sirius agreed.

"I was done fifteen minutes ago," I told them and I saw Sirius' smile.

"You're really starting to become a jerk," James said, "you know that, right? Do you remember your first day two years ago?" James asked. "You couldn't even look the professors in the eye, nor could you say more than one word without stuttering and now you're being a cocky little asshole. I don't like it."

"So?" I said and James groaned. This was fun.

I knew this wasn't me and it probably wasn't who I'd turn out to be, but it was who I was in this moment of time and I was enjoying it. I had always been jealous of everyone else's confidence, but now I had my own; I had no idea where it came from though.

James had attacked me and I noticed that Sirius didn't defend me, it was something he'd always done, but not now. I think he could finally see that I didn't need backup anymore, I could handle the small things on my own. Even watching Sirius correct his work was good to see, we were both growing for the better.

Class ended and we all packed up.

"Mr. Lupin," Flitwick said, "can you stay behind for a moment?"

"Yes, finally," James said, "I knew you'd get in trouble eventually."

"Flitwick's probably going to give him a medal," Peter said and James groaned.

"Don't take anything less than gold," Sirius told me and then they were gone.

I nervously made my way over to Flitwick's desk.

"Remus," he said, smiling up at me, "I have a proposition for you."

"Okay," I said.

"Do you know how Professor Slughorn has that club of his?" Flitwick asked.

"Yeah," I said, "it's all flash and no show." I probably shouldn't have said that in front of another professor.

"Exactly," Flitwick agreed, "I've been trying to tell him this, but more subtly of course and he said that I was just jealous and that if I had a club of my own that my members wouldn't be able to beat his members, and then he challenged me to an end-of-year competition. All subjects offered here, some not. It will be a big affair and the stakes are high. I'm compiling the best-of-the-best and I want you to be a part of it. You won't have to do much, we're just going to meet once a week, share ideas, learn everything we can. What do you think?"

"Umm," I was not expecting this at all, "who else is in this group?"

"Well, a lot of Ravenclaws," Flitwick said, "but only because I know them best. I have students from all houses though. Frank Longbottom for example from Gryffindor."

Okay, but Frank was a seventh year, I was only a third year and barely at that.

"Am I the youngest?" I asked.

"Well," Flitwick said, tinting pink, "I don't know everyone's birthdays, but maybe. It's only because I think you're so brilliant and I don't care about your condition. Slughorn does, I heard him talking about it, he said, ' _if only he wasn't a werewolf, I'm not tainting the reputation of my club with him'_."

My face fell.

"Sorry," Flitwick said, "I probably shouldn't have repeated that, but I was hoping it would light a fire in your belly. I really want to beat him, Remus, knock him down a few pegs. How about you just come to our first meeting tonight, meet everyone and see what you think?"

I nodded numbly, still trying to process what Slughorn had said about me. I knew people didn't like werewolves, but I hadn't met any of that prejudice here yet, not that everyone knew about me, but the staff did.

"Umm, sure," I said.

"Okay," Flitwick beamed, "we're meeting here tonight at seven."

* * *

I arrived at Flitwick's classroom fifteen minutes early, I didn't like to be late. I expected to be one of the first one's there, but there was already seven people here.

"Welcome, welcome," Flitwick said, "feel free to mingle."

I stuck to the edges of the classroom and just observed everyone. I didn't know any of them, they were all older than me, way older. I felt like I was the odd one out. A few more students came in, but I still didn't know anyone.

"Let's get started," Flitwick said the second it hit eight pm. "I've already explained the basics to all of you, I was thinking we could pair off so you would each have someone for support, someone to push you to get better. Feel free to pair up now, take as much time as you need, this is an important decision."

I stayed where I was, but it didn't matter as no one approached me. I didn't blame them, who would want to pair up with someone much younger than them?

"Take a seat next to your partner when you have them," Flitwick said and everyone sat down.

I was the only one still standing.

"Not to worry, Remus," Flitwick told me, "I have one more person coming, they just refuse to respect the importance of punctuality. Please take a seat until they arrive."

I sat down near the window and stared at my hands. I wondered who was going to be my partner, I'd rather do it alone truthfully.

The door opened, but I didn't dare look up.

"Nice of you to join us," Flitwick said, "your lateness has cost you the chance to pick your own partner so you will be partnered with Remus Lupin, over there, go quickly, don't waste any more of our time."

They sat next to me and didn't say a word, I knew they'd be upset with me as their partner.

I looked at them, I had to. "Nix," I said, staring into his honey brown eyes.

"Remus." He nodded once before shaking his head. "I knew Flitwick would find a way to get you," he said, "but this is extremely elaborate. What do you think about his claims? You think Slughorn really challenged him?"

"I think so," I said, "I mean, the Slug Club is a joke. I didn't actually agree to this, Flitwick just told me to come and see what I thought."

"And what do you think?" Nix asked.

"I think my time could be better spent elsewhere," I answered honestly.

Nix laughed, it was deep and hearty. "I hear you," he said, "I refused, but Flitwick caught me doing something that was against the rules last year, way against the rules, he owns my ass. He says jump, I say how high. It's stupid."

"What did you do?" I asked fully expecting him not to answer me, just like Sirius always did.

"He caught me in the dormitories," Nix told me, "engaging in inappropriate relations with another student, a Slytherin student… It's a long story actually, but someone tipped Flitwick off, I'm still trying to figure out who. ...You know you can't leave, right?" he said. "There's no way you're ditching me and leaving me alone in this pseudo-Slug-Club."

His eyes drilled into mine, they looked like liquid honey, so soft and sweet. I broke contact.

"I… Umm… Okay," I said.

Nix smiled. "Thanks, Remus."


	68. Flit's Twits and Starry-Eyed

**Flit's Twits and Starry-Eyed**

"Who even made up that name?" I asked Sirius.

"So, you're not Flit's twit?" Sirius asked, smiling.

"Don't you start saying it," I groaned. Word had gotten out about Flitwick's new club and someone had started calling us Flit's twits.

"It's better than Flit's Shits," Sirius said.

"I'm going now," I said and Sirius' smile fell off his face. "Don't worry," I told him, "I have your jacket, I'm all set, I'll be safe."

"Okay," Sirius said, but something seemed off, he never let me go this easily on the night of a full moon, "enjoy your club, but don't be late."

"I won't be." I left the room.

It had been five weeks since the start of term and we'd had four meetings of Flitwick's club. It was going good, boring most of the time, but spending time with Nix was good. I smiled as I thought about him, we'd become good friends. He was funny and easy to talk to.

I entered the classroom and Nix was already there which surprised me as it was his thing to be late, it annoyed Flitwick to no end. We usually sat up front near the windows, but Nix was right at the back. He waved me over.

"You're not late," I said as I sat down.

"Not today," Nix said. "Hey, is that Sirius Black's jacket?"

"Sirius," I couldn't help but say.

"Excuse me?" Nix asked.

"Just call him Sirius," I said, "he's not a Black."

"Look at you," Nix laughed lightly, "you're wearing his jacket, you're getting protective over him. …Do you like him?"

Nix's question was seemingly innocent, or was it? Could I tell him the truth? Could I trust Nix with this information? We were friends, I knew that for sure. ...In the end, I couldn't lie, I was done with that.

"I do," I said, feeling myself heat up.

I didn't meet Nix's eyes, I didn't want to see what came next. Nix was silent for a long time.

"Do you like me too?" he asked.

My eyes snapped to his.

"Why?" I asked, trying to buy myself some more time.

"Because I'm straight," he said. "I hope I haven't done anything to mislead you, I just thought we got along as friends."

I found myself breathing a sigh of relief. I knew I didn't like Nix in the same way as Sirius and once we'd gotten to know each other better I knew I enjoyed Nix's company, but it was still different from how I felt about Sirius. It was confusing. Now, knowing Nix was straight, was somewhat liberating. Maybe this is what a friendship truly was. Why was it so hard to distinguish between friendships and more?

"I, umm, I'm not sure," I said, "I don't think so."

"Explain this to me," Nix said softly.

"Umm, well, I think you look good and I thought maybe, but… I don't love you."

Nix laughed.

"What?" I asked, feeling self-conscious.

"How old are you?"

Did he have to keep asking me that?

"Thirteen," I said, "but I'll be fourteen in March."

Nix hummed. "Do you know what lust is?"

"No." Was that something I needed to know?

"How can I explain this easily?" Nix questioned, scanning the room. "You see Stacey over there with Frank?" I nodded my head. "Well," Nix said, "I think she's beautiful, but she's dull as a post. ...Okay, this isn't clear. What I'm trying to say is that I can appreciate her beauty, but I don't necessarily like her. I might get with her once just because she's hot, but I wouldn't date her. That's lust," Nix said.

"Lust is when you see someone," Nix continued, "and there's attraction there, but it's base level stuff. Loving someone is not base level, you like a lot of things about the other person, even their faults, because that's what love is. Lust is simplistic, you can act on it, but it's not going to give you anything back. Does this make sense at all?"

So, I lusted after Nix? I was still confused.

"I'm not sure," I said. "Can lust turn into friendship?"

Nix laughed again. "What kind of upbringing did you have?" He shook his head. "Lust is an initial reaction, what comes next is the real deal. Lust can turn into love, or friendship, or hatred, anything really. Do you see me as a friend?"

"Yes."

"Good," Nix said, "then we're friends, and as long as you don't act on your lust for me, I'll continue to be your friend. ...I'm straight, Remus, I want to repeat that. If you had kissed me or something the first time we met then maybe I would have a different opinion, but I like you and I need you in this club."

Was that positive? What did I expect? Surely being gay was like being a werewolf, some people wouldn't be okay with it, like Peter. I wasn't sure as I hadn't been exposed to the good or the bad, but if Peter's reaction was anything to go by then I didn't have high hopes for society.

"Are you sure you don't mind?" I asked. "Because I can get another partner, or Flitwick."

"Answer me this," Nix said. "Do you want to kiss me right now?"

I looked into his warm brown eyes, they still made my heart flutter and my desire grow, but now I was looking at it in a different light. If I had the choice I'd choose to kiss Sirius not him. Nix was right, my attraction to him was base level, there was nothing more there, and furthermore, I wouldn't want to risk our friendship on one kiss that would mean nothing except to satisfy my lust for him.

"No," I said confidently.

"Do you think you'd want to kiss me in the future?" he asked.

"No."

Nix smiled. "Then we're good here."

"Settle down, settle down," Flitwick said, "here is today's problem."

I smiled to myself as I wrote down the problem onto my parchment, Nix knew so much that I didn't. I liked knowing that I could think guys were good looking without wanting to do anything more with them, without betraying my love for Sirius.

"What about this?" I said, after we'd both looked at the problem. "We use the spell with water to help propel it to surround the enemy. You'd only have to conjure water with the filk."

"That's good," Nix said, "but you'd use boonshind instead."

"Boonshind and water don't mix," I told him, "it would dissipate before it could work. Filk bonds it all together."

"I disagree," Nix said, "we're using juniper berry and that-"

"Acts as a repellent for the water," I said, writing down the new plan, "so it would preserve the boonshind and therefore carry out maximum damage. Genius."

I finished writing down our answer and looked at Nix.

"What do you want to do while we wait for everyone else to come up with their less superior solutions?" Nix asked.

"You shouldn't be so confident," I told him, leaning back against my chair.

"Why not?" he asked. "We're an unstoppable team. I bet the two of us could beat the Slug Club on our own."

"Yes," I said, "but that's not how clubs work, they need teamwork. We don't know everything, we just think we do."

Nix laughed. "Good point. ...Do you have any more questions for me or was my advice about lust terrible?"

"You give good advice," I told him, "but I'm not sure I have any more questions."

"Can I ask you one then?"

I nodded my head.

"You're wearing Sirius' jacket," he said, looking at it. "What's that all about? I get that you like him, but what are you doing about it?"

"Well, nothing really," I told him, "Sirius is… complicated. I told him that I liked him, but I don't know if he feels the same way."

"Then find out," Nix said.

"It's not that simple, I mean, he's not like you, he didn't just blurt out that he was straight."

"I didn't blurt it out, did I?" Nix asked. I nodded my head. "Oh, well, I didn't mean to offend you or anything."

"You don't have to be okay with it," I told him, "it's okay to be weirded out, I'd rather have your honestly above all else."

"I'm still processing it," Nix said, "but I don't think I care."

"Just know that it's okay," I said, "but I hope we stay friends, I like talking to you."

"Deal," Nix said.

I could feel a burning against my chest.

"Ow." I pulled the necklace away from my chest, the necklace, the full moon. I looked out the window, it was getting late, too late.

I stood up, gathering my things.

"Where are you going?" Nix asked.

"Gotta skip out," I said, "here," I handed him the parchment, "you can take full credit."

I left Nix, but Flitwick stopped me.

"The moon," I whispered.

Flitwick nodded his head and let me leave.

I ran all the way to the shack. I wasn't sure why the necklace burned my skin, but I was glad it did. If it hadn't I might've been too late. Had Sirius put another charm on the necklace without telling me? Was it just a fluke? Had something inside me made it do it?

I shut the trapdoor and breathed a sigh of relief. I'd made it. I started disrobing and halfway through I found something in my pocket, it was the photo of Sirius and me sleeping. I stared at it for a beat, it always made me feel good. I placed the photo against the glass of the window, I liked that it was close. It was outside of the wards so I knew Moony wouldn't be able to get it.

Once finished, I sat against the stairs and waited for Moony to take over.

* * *

 **Moony's POV**

I stretched my body out and ambled over to the window, howling at the moon. I was free again. I let out a second howl because I was feeling so good.

I went to move away from the window, but there was something new there.

I leaned down, trying to figure it out. The boy, the one with the long black hair seemed familiar. Who was he? Someone from the boy's life.

I continued to look. Who was the other boy? Was it me? I'd never seen myself before, I only knew what I looked liked and only recently in the reflection of the window. I didn't like how I looked. I thought I was too small, not scary enough. Was this the boy? He looked small too against the other boy, weak. Was he weak?

I couldn't look away from the other boy, the familiar one with long hair. I had an urge to be the one to sleep next to him. Could I sleep with him? What did he smell like?

I mewed. Why wasn't I smart enough to know these things? Why did the boy leave this photo here?

I was the boy, we were the same, I should know this. I closed my eyes and tried to access his memories. I knew stuff that only he knew, I should know this.

I opened my eyes and looked at the photo, the boy with shaggy hair was familiar, like Padfoot? Padfoot was familiar too. An image popped into my mind, it was of my jacket, but it was on someone else.

I tried to get the full picture. Who was wearing the jacket? It became clear, a boy with shaggy black hair and gray eyes, the boy called him Russ, and he was in the photo. The jacket was his, not mine? I wasn't sure how I felt about that.

I still couldn't look away. Russ smelled good, he was like Padfoot, I was sleeping with him, but he wasn't the real thing. Why did the boy get to be the one to sleep with him? Had they spent more time together? Why did he get to be with Russ and not me?

I tore my eyes away. My anger was rising. Why did the boy get everything that I didn't? I wanted Russ, I needed him, couldn't I have him?

I roared, bounding around the room. I wanted him. It wasn't fair. I roared again. I was so angry.

I could feel something pulsing against my mind, it was trying to calm me, I didn't want to be calm. I wanted to hurt the boy. It wasn't fair, my life wasn't fair. He got to live and I got to spend one night a month in this shack. This wasn't a good life, I wasn't living.

I needed to hurt him, he deserved it. Why couldn't I be the one in charge? Why did he rule me? My eyes landed on the photo again.

I walked over to the window, my eyes glued to the photo. The boy was with Russ. The boy was with Russ. The boy was with Russ. I'd never get to be with Russ. Now I was sad, not angry. I still wanted to hurt him.

I extended my claws, I needed to hurt him. Where was Rensen? He was gone too. The boy didn't love me, he took everything from me. He lived, he should die.

I rested my claws against my neck, this was it. Goodbye world.

I was still looking at the photo, I wanted Russ to be the last thing I ever saw. A shadow overtook the window, drawing my gaze. Gray eyes, Russ was here, but that was impossible.

I looked from the photo to the boy standing outside the window, it was Russ. My hand hovered above my neck.

"Don't," Russ said.

I was confused. ...Don't? ...Russ was here?

"Don't," Russ repeated.

I dropped my hand and he nodded. He was here? I whimpered, trying to get closer to him, but I couldn't.

"Moony."

He knew my name, my true name. I mewed, trying to get closer to him.

"You can't," Russ said, "not yet, but I'm working on it. We will be together one day."

We would? One day? When?

"He can't know this," Russ said, "you can't let him remember this. If you do, I won't be able to come back."

I wouldn't, I was no fool.

"Howl if you understand me," Russ said.

I howled.


	69. Reckless Second Years

**Reckless Second Years**

"What's going on?" I asked as I walked into our dorm room, there were more people in here than usual.

"Fucking second years," Sirius said, glaring at them as he moved some of his stuff onto my bed.

"Still confused," I said, setting my books on my bed with Sirius' things.

"One of these idiots flooded their dorm room," James said, "McGonagall told us that it's too late to be dealt with tonight, so they're bunking with us."

I sat down on my bed. So, Sirius was moving his stuff to my bed because he was spending the night with me? I was not upset by this fact. Peter, I now noted, was moving some of his things to James' bed.

"Is it just for tonight?" I asked.

"It fucking better be," Sirius said.

He was so angry and, at first, I thought it was because he had to spend the night with me, but then I realized it was because he didn't like other people, especially people he didn't know.

I sat there and watched all the chaos around me, Moony loved chaos, so this didn't bother me in the slightest. Plus, I got to spend the night with Sirius and I hadn't done that since spending the night at James' three months ago. I missed being close to Sirius, but I understood that things had changed. We were growing up, he knew I liked him, nothing would be considered innocent anymore.

Sirius got all his important stuff moved and then he collapsed on my bed, laying on half of it. I smiled. Sirius groaned and pulled something out from underneath his back before laying back down. It was Padfoot, I noted.

"Why do you look so smug?" Sirius asked.

"Smug?" I said. "I'm not smug."

Sirius sat up and closed the curtains on his side, so he didn't have to look at the second years.

"Play with any water lately?" Sirius asked me.

"Nope," I said, "this isn't how I'd get you into my bed."

"Really?" Sirius rolled onto his front and propped his chin up on his hand. "And how would you get me into your bed then?"

There were so many things I could do, but one stood out. "I'd ask you," I said simply and Sirius frowned.

"You've changed a lot lately," he said, "you're more confident, less afraid."

I shrugged, it was all due to Nix. Nix was great at giving advice, he was so wise.

"You know I like you," I told Sirius. He tensed up, but I ignored it. "And that's all there is to it really. If you want me to stop or back off or whatever then you can tell me. I'm not going to kiss you, I respect you, Russ, but I'm also not going to sit by and deny what I truly feel."

This was all Nix, he had been telling me for three weeks now that I needed to care less when it came to Sirius, that I would lose nothing. Nothing ventured, nothing gained he always said. Sirius knew how I felt and now he'd feel it too, through my actions and words. I wouldn't push him though.

Sirius didn't reply to what I said, instead he stood up. "I'm going for a walk."

"But it's after curfew," I told him.

Sirius left anyway.

I looked over at James' bed, him and Peter were fighting over who got to sleep on which side, it was amusing. I watched them until they figured it out. James won and got to keep his usual left side. They settled down and went to sleep, the second years did too, but Sirius was still gone. I hoped he'd come back, but I knew he could so easily sleep anywhere else if that's what he wanted and I couldn't blame him, if that's what he wanted.

Rensen was off delivering a letter for Sirius, so I didn't even have him for company. I sighed as I shut all the curtains around my bed. I lit my wand and started to move some of the stuff Sirius had moved to my bed. A lot of it was baffling to me, but it must be important for Sirius to move it away from the second years sharing his bed.

I stacked it all neatly, peeking at the pieces of parchment he had. Yet again, it seemed like gibberish to me, but Sirius appeared to be working on something complex. I decided to leave it be and sat all of his things on my nightstand.

I got ready for bed and I wondered when Sirius was coming back, if he was coming back. I hugged Padfoot to my chest. I had been so happy that Sirius and me got to sleep together, but he'd ran away. He did that a lot, I noted, it was how he dealt with things; alone.

I tried to stay up and wait for him, but I knew it was pointless and I fell asleep.

Sometime later, much later, I felt the bed move. I blinked and tried to see who it was. I was certain it was Sirius, but I needed to be sure. I saw his gray eyes and closed my own, he was here. I started dozing again as Sirius did what he needed to, getting ready for bed.

Nothing happened for a while, but then I felt him pushing my hair away from my face. I sighed, I'd missed him. Sirius shuffled closer to me and rested his head on my chest. He rarely did this. My hand automatically found its way into his hair and started stroking his scalp. Sirius didn't tense or move, so I knew this was okay to do.

My hand stilled as I drifted too far into sleepland to keep my ministrations up. Breathing in Sirius' scent was dragging me under further.

Sirius shifted so he was no longer laying on my chest, but he was still next to me, in my arms, so I didn't care.

I was jolted awake when I felt his lips on mine. Sirius was kissing me? ...This wasn't some joke or some test to see if he was cursed, this was Sirius kissing me. Once I'd gotten over the shock, and once I saw that Sirius wasn't pulling away, I kissed him back.

My lips felt so good against his warm, full, hot lips. My hand was still in his hair and I grasped it gently. I couldn't believe this was happening, maybe I was dreaming. I tilted my head to the side and kept kissing him. I wanted more, but I didn't know what more was.

I slid my hand out of his hair and down his back as Sirius' hand came to rest on my cheek. I felt something wet on my bottom lip, Sirius' tongue? He did it again. I didn't know what to do, but I opened my mouth and his tongue found its way inside my mouth. Wow.

He started massaging my tongue with his and I figured I should do the same thing back. My hand clutched at his back as I tried to pull him closer to me. I rubbed my tongue against his, it was slightly awkward and wet, but I didn't care about any of that. I was starting to get hard. I groaned and shifted my hips back. I wanted to rub my dick against Sirius', but I wasn't going to risk ending this too soon.

We continued to kiss, sometimes it was slow so we could catch our breath, sometimes it was frantic with our hands grabbing at each other desperately. I still couldn't believe Sirius was kissing me. His hand left my neck and traveled down to my hip, then down further to my leg. Sirius grabbed me just behind the knee and hitched my leg over his hip, pulling us closer together.

Yes. His hand stayed on my leg, holding me in place. I dropped my hand and rested it on his backside. He didn't tense or seem to care, so I kept it there, just resting it on his cheek.

Sirius pulled me even closer as we continued to kiss. Our hips met and I gasped when I felt his dick rubbing against mine. It felt so good. What had gotten into Sirius? I didn't care, I grasped his backside, trying to find the friction I so desperately needed. Sirius was moving his hips against mine with just as much vigor.

The friction was so good. I couldn't feel him completely as we both had our pajamas on, but from what I could feel, Sirius was very hard and very hot. I groaned, rubbing faster. I wanted to cum, I knew it would make a mess, but I didn't care. Sirius was giving me what I wanted.

I came first and I groaned into Sirius' mouth. I tried to remember that we weren't alone in the room, but it was hard. Sirius kept rubbing, trying to find his own release. He came silently, the only reason I knew he had was because he was spasming underneath me, but he didn't make a single noise; he hadn't made a noise all night.

I held him to me tighter, this was his mother's doing no doubt. If she couldn't hear him then he wouldn't get in trouble. Sirius let my leg go and our hips parted, but we didn't stop kissing. It seemed like neither of us could get enough and I was okay with that.

I don't know how long we kissed for, but it was too long. We were half asleep now, but still trying. There were no tongues anymore, just little presses of our lips together, it was sweet, and then, at some point, we fell asleep and the kisses stopped.

I woke up with a groan. Why was I so sore and why did my pants feel weird? I laid on my back and everything came back to me, Sirius had kissed me. I sat up, blinking, was it real? I looked for Sirius, but the bed was empty, he was gone. Did I dream it? Surely not. I brought my hand to my lips, they felt tender. It was real, it had to be, but where was Sirius?

I opened the curtains and peeked out. The sun was rising and the dorm was silent. I jumped up and quickly ran to the bathroom. Sirius wasn't in there, but I'd definitely been kissed, my lips were red and a little swollen. It had happened, I couldn't have done that to myself. Plus, I had cum in my pants and on my pants, Sirius had cum too, I remembered that.

I ran back to my bed and dove under the covers. Where was he? Had I forced this on him? No, this was all him, he was the one who kissed me and continued to kiss me, he was the one who made our hips meet and started rubbing our dicks together.

Had he left a note? I looked around, but I couldn't find anything. Where was he? And then it hit me, he ran. He clearly needed time to process this and I didn't blame him, it was a big step for him. I wanted to seek him out, but I knew what he needed most was time alone, so I'd give it to him.


	70. This is Sirius

**This is Sirius**

"Where's Sirius?" James asked later that day.

"Don't know," I answered. We were halfway through the day, but it was Saturday, so we didn't have any classes.

"It's his birthday," James said and this made me pause.

It wasn't Sirius' birthday, was it? I did a quick calculation in my head and my face fell, James was right, today was Sirius' fourteenth birthday. How could I forget? I knew I'd been busy lately with Flitwick's club, and Sirius hadn't mentioned it because he didn't like to celebrate his birthday, but I couldn't believe I'd forgotten it completely.

Last night filled me with even more joy now, Sirius could've kissed me on any day, but he chose his birthday, it made me smile. Maybe that was why he was gone this morning, he just wanted to spend his birthday alone, maybe it had nothing to do with me at all.

The day passed and then night came. I was starting to get worried now, but I knew Sirius needed time. My worry escalated when Sirius didn't come back to the dorm to sleep. I stayed up all night, but he never showed up. I thought he might've had James' cloak, but no, the cloak was in James' trunk. Where was Sirius? Where had he spent the night?

On Sunday morning, I checked the whole castle, the grounds, and Sirius' hiding spot, but I couldn't find him anywhere. When I walked into Flitwick's classroom that afternoon I was beyond worried and dead tired. Nix noticed immediately.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"Sirius is missing," I said, my voice low.

"How long has he been missing for?" Nix asked.

I tried to figure it out, it felt like it'd been ages, but it really hadn't.

"A day and a half."

"That's nothing," Nix said, "he probably just needs a break or something."

A break from me?

"Hey," Nix said, "what else is there to this? Did you sleep at all last night?"

I shook my head no. "Sirius kissed me," I told Nix, "and then he disappeared and I don't know where he went."

"Shit," Nix said, sitting back in his chair.

I knew it'd be bad.

"What have you done?" he asked. "I'm sure you've looked everywhere."

I nodded my head.

"Have you asked McGonagall? She's your head-of-house. If he's left the castle, she'd know. Come on," Nix stood up, "I'll come with you, the sooner you know, the better."

I joined him.

"We'll be back," Nix told Flitwick before Flitwick had a chance to question us.

"Don't worry," Nix told me in the hallway, "not yet."

That wasn't comforting. Seeing as it was Sunday, Nix led me to McGonagall's office. I was too afraid to knock, so he did it for me. I was so thankful he was here with me.

"Yes." McGonagall opened the door, looking us up and down.

"Excuse me, Prof-Professor," I said, "but, umm, have you seen Sirius at all?"

McGonagall's eyes narrowed for a moment and then her face smoothed out. "Yes," she said, "he's been granted a leave of absence. Excuse me, I have work to finish up."

A leave of absence, what did that mean?

"What's that?" I asked Nix as we headed back to Flitwick's classroom.

"Well," he said, "you usually get it if you're sick or there's a family matter you need to attend to. It's only for serious stuff. It lets you leave the castle, or stay in the castle, and not have to worry about attending classes."

Sirius wouldn't leave the castle, I was certain of that. He had nowhere to go, he wouldn't go home and I didn't think he'd go to his Uncle's either. Did Regulus know where he was? I couldn't imagine Sirius going to him either, not about this. Where was he? He had to be here somewhere, but where?

We made it back to Flitwick's classroom and Nix left me alone to think, but nothing became clear. Sunday ended and yet again Sirius didn't show up all night. Where was he?

I went to classes on Monday, but I was too tired and worried to focus on anything. I did notice that McGonagall didn't look my way, but I thought nothing of it.

As I left my last class, Irma appeared in front of me and took me to her library. She never left her library, so I had a feeling she'd been called in by one of the other professors to make sure I was okay. She sat me down and gave me a cup of tea.

"What's going on?" she asked me.

"Sirius kissed me," I told her, "it was sweet and it must've went on for hours, I was in heaven."

"Oh my Merlin," Irma said excitedly.

"He's been missing since," I said and her excitement disappeared. "It's been two and a half days now and I'm really worried, he doesn't even come back to the dorm to sleep. McGonagall said that he's been granted a leave of absence, but he wouldn't leave the castle, I'm sure of that."

"Sirius went to McGonagall," Irma stated.

I hadn't thought about that, but she was right. Sirius must've gone to McGonagall to get the leave of absence, but why would he do that? Sirius disappeared all the time, he skipped so many classes, but he'd never gotten a leave of absence before.

"He's in the castle," I said, "I'm sure of that. I just don't know where he is and I've looked everywhere."

"I think you're missing the most important piece of the puzzle," Irma said, "he went to Minerva McGonagall."

"So?" I was failing to see her point.

"He went to her in his time of need," Irma explained, "he chose her, there must be a reason for that. When he was working on that necklace for you, they got close, I saw it, Minerva told us all. She gushed about how Sirius was such a sweet boy and not like his brother or the rest of his family. Most of the staff didn't believe her, but that's not the point. He trusts her, she holds the answers, Remus."

"But I went to her," I said, "McGonagall said he has his leave and then she said nothing."

"She must be protecting him." Irma stood up. "Let me show you something."

She led me to a door and unlocked it.

"All of the staff at Hogwarts have their own personal quarters," Irma told me as I took in her messy living quarters. "They're all very similar, living room, kitchen, master bedroom, bathroom, two additional bedrooms. …Do you see where I'm going with this?" she asked.

"No."

"I'm betting Sirius is in one of McGonagall's additional bedrooms," she said.

That made no sense, yet it did. I couldn't imagine Sirius sleeping in McGonagall's quarters, but where else would he be? He had gone to her, I knew that for sure. Something came to the forefront of my mind, it was our first year and Sirius had disappeared, we still saw him, but he was gone most of the time. Afterwards he had told me that McGonagall had noticed he wasn't eating in the Great Hall and she had shown him how to get into the kitchen so he could eat. McGonagall was the key here.

"I need to see him," I said.

Irma nodded her head. "Minerva's usually in the staff room at this time, so if you go now, you should be clear."

"Thank you," I told her and Irma smiled at me.

I ran out of her quarters and office and through the library, everyone was looking at me, but I didn't care.

"No running in the library," Irma yelled, but I knew she was only doing it to keep up pretenses.

I didn't stop running until I arrived at McGonagall's office. I knocked, but there was no answer. I pulled out my wand and unlocked her door. Her office was empty. I found the door to her private quarters and unlocked it too. My heart beat frantically against my chest, was Sirius here? How was he?

McGonagall's private quarters were very neat. I opened all the doors silently, looking for Sirius. He was nowhere, but I had one door left. I held my breath and opened it. There, in the corner, was Sirius. He had his knees drawn up to his chest with his arms wrapped around them. Oh, my beautiful broken boy.

I took a shaky breath, but he didn't react. I was so happy that he was here. I knelt in front of him and Sirius' eyes met mine, widening slightly.

"Russ?" I said softly.

"Remy," he replied and then his walls came tumbling down, "I'm so sorry," Sirius said, "I'm so, so, so sorry. I thought I was ready, I thought I could handle it, but I couldn't. It's what you wanted and I wanted to do it for you so badly, but I couldn't."

"It's okay," I told him as I reached for him. Sirius pulled away, so I dropped my hand. "It's okay. Whatever's going on, we'll deal with it."

"Mommy always told me not to do it," Sirius said, his wide eyes locked on mine. "She said you don't kiss boys, you don't kiss muggle boys, but I wanted to try it, I wanted to see. Mommy loves me in her own way, daddy always tells me that. I love mommy too even though I don't want to. She said boys aren't supposed to kiss other boys, she said they only kiss girls. I told her I didn't like girls and she punished me. I should've listened to her, she said this would happen. She said it would. Why didn't I listen to her?"

"Sirius," I said, my voice firm. What was going on? He was starting to scare me. "Sirius, you need to snap out of this."

"Mommy loves me," Sirius rocked back and forth, "she hurts me because she loves me. She wants me to be tough, she wants me to be… to be…" Sirius trailed off and his whole demeanor changed. He stopped rocking, his eyes and face became vacant, there was nothing there, he wasn't there.

"Russ," I shook his shoulders gently, but he didn't respond. I waved my hand in front of his face, but nothing. What had happened? I needed help.

I jumped up and ran straight to the staff room. I knocked on the door frantically, trying to catch my breath. Flitwick opened the door, but I pushed past him, my eyes landing on McGonagall. She was laughing about something with Madam Hooch, but when her eyes met mine, she stopped.

"Mr. Lupin," she said, standing up, "what's going on?"

"S… S… S…" I couldn't bring myself to say it. Everyone was looking at me with concern. "Please come with me," I said desperately and McGonagall nodded her head.

Once we were clear of the staff room, I found my words.

"It's Sirius," I said, "something's happened. Please help him."

McGonagall picked up her pace and we were at her office in no time. She burst into the room Sirius was in and she stopped dead in her tracks.

"Help him," I pleaded her. "You need to help him."

"I can't," she said, sounding defeated.

"What's going on?" I asked. "What happened to him?"

McGonagall turned to me, her face was equal parts serious and heartbroken. "Sirius has had a psychotic break," she told me.

No. I felt my world crushing down around me and I fell to the ground in a useless heap. Not Sirius, anyone but Sirius.


	71. Confusion Leads To…

**Confusion Leads To…**

" _Sirius has had a psychotic break," McGonagall told me._

 _No. I felt my world crushing down around me and I fell to the ground in a useless heap. Not Sirius, anyone but Sirius_.

"You need to leave," McGonagall said.

"No way," I told her, "I'm not going anywhere, I'm not leaving him."

"Remus," she said, "there's nothing you can do, there's nothing any of us can do."

"You can't just leave him like this," I said.

"It's out of my control," McGonagall said, "he will be going to St. Mungo's. Now, you need to leave because I need to get Dumbledore and I'm certain you don't want him to find you here."

What did she know about us and Dumbledore? Had Sirius confided in her? Why had he come to see her and not me? Was I the one to cause this, to tip him over the edge? Please no.

"Remus," she said softly, "you need to leave."

"At least let me say goodbye," I told her.

McGonagall seemed conflicted, but then she agreed.

"Fine," she said, "I will walk to Dumbledore's office, but we'll most likely Floo back here, so you need to be quick."

I nodded my head, I wouldn't be caught here.

McGonagall left and I wasted no time. I went over to Sirius and my heart broke yet again. He was still sitting there lifelessly, his eyes focused on nothing. I made sure I was in his line of sight, but he didn't react.

"I love you," I told him, "with all my heart and that will never change. They're taking you to St. Mungo's, they'll be able to help you there. I'll come and visit too, whatever it takes. I won't leave you alone. It's me and you, Remy and Russ, remember that. I need to go, I don't want to, but we can't risk Dumbledore finding out. I love you, Russ, please be safe."

I leaned forward and kissed Sirius on the forehead. He didn't respond and my heart tore further. Why would this happen right when we were finally moving in the right direction?

Leaving Sirius was the hardest thing I'd ever done. I didn't want to, but I had to.

I wasn't sure how long McGonagall was going to be, but I sprinted back to our dorm with an idea forming in my head. James was there, but I ignored him. I dug through his trunk and found his cloak, putting it on, and then I was gone. I needed to be with Sirius, I needed to see what they were doing, I needed to hear what they were saying.

I made it back to McGonagall's office and I quickly snuck into her quarters. Dumbledore and McGonagall were in the bedroom. I stood in the doorway and watched Dumbledore as he ran his wand over Sirius' head. I hoped he wouldn't find out anything bad or any of the deception we'd created surrounding Moony.

"How bad is it?" McGonagall asked.

"There's no thoughts up there," Dumbledore said, "his head is just empty. It's curious."

"What does that mean?" McGonagall asked, she sounded so worried. "Is this like when you get Obliviated too many times?"

"No," Dumbledore said, "that only causes you to lose your mind, not to shut down completely. Something must've happened. He's in your quarters," Dumbledore said, "tell me what's going on, Minerva."

"He came to me early Saturday morning," McGonagall said, "he seemed upset, but he wouldn't tell me what was going on. He was in no state to go back to his dorm, so I let him stay here. He wasn't like this, he was alert and he answered my questions, but something was off. I kept him here so I could keep an eye on him. Then," she paused, "I came back here and he was completely unresponsive. I got you straightaway."

I couldn't believe McGonagall was lying for us.

"It's most likely due to all the mental abuse he's endured." Dumbledore stood up. "It simply became too much for him. Don't blame yourself, Minerva, no one could've prevented this, the best you could've done was delay it. Get the Floo ready."

McGonagall left and I watched Dumbledore as he picked up Sirius' mindless body. Dumbledore didn't say a word, he just carried Sirius out of the room. I followed them silently, and as they waited for the Floo to be ready, I reached out carefully and rested my hand on Sirius' head, rubbing gently. Dumbledore gasped and I stepped back.

"What?" McGonagall asked.

"Umm… He…" Dumbledore faltered before composing himself. "All hope is not lost," he said, "I got a spark of something just then, but I couldn't see what it was. He's still in there, Minerva, this is a good sign. Let's go quickly."

They took the Floo Network to St. Mungo's, but I didn't follow them. I wanted to, but I couldn't risk being caught. Dumbledore's words echoed in my head, _he's still in there_. I had started to fear the worst when Dumbledore had said Sirius' mind was empty, but maybe it was just hidden. I could imagine Sirius doing something like that, he liked his privacy above all else.

I knew everything was far from over, but this was a good sign and Sirius would be where he needed to be. I bet they saw this all the time at St. Mungo's, and I was going to find a way to visit him as soon as I could.

I pulled James' cloak off and made my way back to our dorm room. James was still there and he glared at me as I entered.

James jumped up and pulled the cloak out of my hands. "You're supposed to ask to use this," he said, "I think I'm going to ban you."

I didn't listen to him, I just sat on my bed and stared at Sirius'. He was truly broken now, my beautiful broken boy. I couldn't help it, my emotions overtook me and I started crying silently.

"Oh, hey," James said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to overreact, of course you can use my cloak, just ask first. ...Hey, what's going on?"

"It's Sirius," I said.

James sat on Sirius bed in front of me, his eyes meeting mine.

"What about him," James whispered.

"They've taken him to St. Mungo's," I said and James' face lost all its color, "something in his head snapped, I don't know."

"Fuck," James hissed. "Is he okay?"

"No."

"Will he be okay?"

"I don't know," I said, "I hope so. Oh, James, I can't lose him."

"Hey," James said, sitting next to me and wrapping his arms around me. I turned my face into his chest. "You won't lose him."

"He's always been there for me," I said through my tears, "but I don't know how I can help him."

"He'll get all the help he needs at St. Mungo's," James said, "the best thing you can do is make sure you look after yourself."

James was right, but I would still do all that I could to help Sirius as well.

"Remus," James said tightly, "please tell me that's something in your pocket and not your dick hardening."

What? I pulled away from him and looked down at my pocket, he was right, it was moving. I reached in and pulled out the silver sphere Sirius had given me, it was opening.

I couldn't help but wonder if it was really time for this thing to open or if it was just opening because Sirius' mind was so damaged; damaged beyond repair.

I decided it didn't matter. Sirius had given me this sphere and I wanted to know what was in it so badly.


	72. …Clarity

… **Clarity**

The silver sphere opened in a very mechanical way and I watched it intently as the top half slid apart in two. A silvery wisp came out and my eyes were glued to it as it floated in the air. What was it?

The wisp hovered between James and me. It got right in front of James' face and he was frozen in fear, but then it came back to me. Did it know it was intended for me? It did.

The wisp shot towards me and went straight up my nose and into my brain. It didn't hurt, but it was the oddest feeling. It made me fall back onto the bed and screw my eyes shut.

The feeling didn't go away, so I hesitantly opened my eyes knowing that Sirius would never hurt me. It was now dark, so I blinked my eyes, trying to get them to focus. The first thing I noted was that I was no longer in my dorm room. I looked to my left, but James wasn't there either.

I tried to stand up, but nothing happened. I was just sitting on some small bed, staring at a blank wall. Something was rattling inside my head, but I wasn't sure what it was.

"You better be ready," someone yelled from far away, "I'm not waiting for you."

The voice sent chills down my spine and I stood up. What was going on? I looked around the room. It was dark, dank and devoid of all hope. It made me feel sad, trapped and lonely.

I was on the move, I took nothing with me. I headed down the hallway and my eyes focused on the door at the end of the hall with the initials R.A.B. on it. Who was that? I felt a sadness as I took in the door, a wistfulness, a regret, a hurt. It was almost painful, but then I turned and it all ebbed away.

All of my movements were very calculated and robotic. My back was ramrod straight, my face blank. Where was I? What was going on? At the base of the stairs my gaze was drawn to a massive portrait of a woman with jet black hair, dark eyes and a sneer permanently etched on her face. As I passed her by, she looked me up and down, clearly judging me; she didn't like what she saw. I tried to ignore her, but it was hard.

My feet took me to the front door and I pulled on a long black jacket and then I just waited, staring outside, watching other kids running by. There was one boy who ran back and forth often enough, he always looked my way, but I didn't know if he could see me or not. My eyes followed him, but that was it. The boy made my chest ache, made me feel lonely, terrified.

"What are you doing?" someone screeched from behind me.

I automatically turned to face them; it was the woman from the painting. I didn't say a word.

"We're not using the Muggle way," she spat the word muggle and she had her sneer in place, "I got the Minister to lift the ban on apparating just for us. Come on, kitchen now."

I followed her, but I didn't want to. There were more people in the kitchen, they all had black hair, but some had grey eyes, some had dark brown. I didn't meet anyone's eyes. They all came forward, one-by-one, but if they said anything, I didn't hear them. After they saw me, they left the room until there was only two others left with the woman.

The gruff man approached me. "Sirius," he said.

Sirius? I was Sirius? Was this his memory?

"Slytherin or nothing," he told me, his voice firm, "the hat doesn't choose, you do."

"Yes, father." I was talking, but it was Sirius' voice.

The young boy came up to me next and wrapped his arms around my waist. I didn't respond, I didn't say anything, but I could feel my heart breaking. I didn't want to leave him here, I wanted to run with him, but it wasn't a possibility.

He, Regulus, pulled away and ran up the stairs.

"Let's go," Sirius' mother said.

She held out her hand and I took it. Her arm yanked away, but I couldn't let go. Everything went black and I felt compressed from every angle. It was almost impossible to breathe, then, everything went calm and I noted that we were on Platform Nine and Three Quarters.

Sirius' mother dropped my hand. I took a step back, but my eyes stayed on hers.

"I don't think I need to remind you how important this is," she said and I could feel the fear running through me. "I don't care what that traitor Alphard says, you're a Black and you better make sure that you're in Slytherin. Don't you dare come home otherwise."

"Yes, Mommy." Sirius' voice was firm, but meek.

"Go now."

I stared into her black eyes. This was it, she didn't care about Sirius, he was going to Hogwarts and she wasn't even sad. Sirius would never get her love even though I could feel that he so desperately wanted it. I drank her in, she was the woman Sirius loved that would never love him back, and then I turned from her. I looked back almost immediately, surely she'd miss Sirius, but she was already gone.

Sirius found his trunk in the pile of all the ones that had been sent ahead and he used his wand to levitate it to the train. He was early, but he liked the silence. He found an empty compartment and settled in. As I sat there, there was a storming swirl of emotions running through me, but none of them were easily grasped.

Loneliness, rejection and worthless; they were the main ones, but there was so much more in Sirius' head. People boarded the train, but I wasn't disturbed. Then it happened, the door banged open and I found myself, no, I found Sirius glaring at the newcomer; it was James. He looked so young.

"Fuck off," Sirius told him.

"Whoa," James said, coming in regardless and putting his trunk on the rack, "calm your fucking tits would ya."

"Fuck off," Sirius repeated. His voice was eerily quiet, but it held so much malice. If I was James, I would've left.

"Not gonna happen," James said, "you can't just call this compartment as your own."

"I can do whatever I want," Sirius said, "I'm Sirius Black."

"Is that supposed to scare me?" James asked, "because it doesn't. Plus, I'm a Potter, James Potter and we're descendants of Ignotus Peverell, but do ya hear me bragging about that? Tell ya what, first person to blink or break eye contact has to leave, then the other person can keep the compartment."

Sirius didn't like this, but he knew it was the best chance he'd get, so they started their staring competition. Nothing happened, no one broke contact, they were both too stubborn. Even when they were disturbed, Sirius didn't look away. It was me, I knew that, I'd just entered the compartment. Why had Sirius wanted to show me this? What was so important about this day?

I cleared my throat. ...This was getting confusing; I was in Sirius' body, but Past-Me was also here. ...The newcomer cleared their throat, but Sirius didn't look away. Past-Me sat down on the same seat as Sirius, but he still didn't look. Sirius wasn't going to lose this compartment to James.

"This is Sirius," James said, not breaking eye contact.

This was all eerily familiar. I never thought about this memory, I never thought much about my past, but Sirius clearly had. He was cursed to remember it all, but why was this important? I wasn't going to go through all of his memories, was I?

"Wh-What's serious?" It was so weird hearing my own voice and my stutter, it seemed like eons ago.

"I'm Sirius," Sirius said, "that's James."

"Oh, do you two know each other?"

"No," Sirius scoffed and I could feel his distaste towards James, no, I think it was more that he wanted to be alone, he didn't hate James. My heart ached, Sirius just wanted to be left alone. "I was here first," Sirius said, "and this idiot comes in asking me to leave, we're deciding who gets the compartment. First person to look away has to leave."

It was odd how I could already hear the lies in Sirius' statement. James hadn't asked him to leave, Sirius had told James to fuck off.

"Like… a… umm, staring contest." Past-Me sounded like an idiot, so timid, so scared, completely unconfident.

"A what?" James said.

"Are you a Muggle-Born?" Sirius asked and I could feel his disgust, but it was overpowered by his fear. Something to do with his mother perhaps.

"No, umm, Half-Blood. My dad works for the Ministry and my mom's a Muggle."

"The ministry." Sirius was scoffing again, but now, being in his memories, I could sense that he wasn't against my dad working for the Ministry, he was feeling envious. I could only imagine what his family thought about ministry workers.

"Hey," James said, "I'm gonna work for them one day, I'm gonna be the best Auror they ever had."

"If you say so," Sirius said and I could feel his envy again. Is that something Sirius wanted, to be an Auror, or did he just want to work for the Ministry? I doubted his family would accept that career path. "What's your name?" he asked Past-Me.

"Me? …Umm, Remy, I mean, Remus, Remus Lupin."

Remy… Who knew that one slip of the tongue could turn into something special between Sirius and me?

"Is it okay that I'm here?" Past-me asked. "Because I can leave if you want." Now, I was feeling sadness for my younger self. I was so scared that no one would accept me, that I'd be forever alone.

James and Sirius answered at the same time.

"I don't care," Sirius said.

"Stay," said James.

"Give up, James," Sirius mocked, "you don't know my mother, I can do this all night." Sirius' off-hand comment made me pause. I hadn't thought much of it at the time, but now, it held so much. Was he trying to let us know about his mother? His statement definitely rang alarm bells in my head right now.

"And you don't know me," James replied.

"Are… Are you both Pure-Blood?" Again with the stuttering, how did I even make any friends with that?

"Yes," James and Sirius answered.

"C-can I ask you a question? Do people get sorted into the same houses as their family members or is it random?"

I felt a shot of determination and fear run through Sirius. Again with the fear, I noted that he felt it with almost every other emotion. What had his mother done to make him so fearful about everything?

"They do," Sirius said.

"Depends," said James.

"Don't listen to him," Sirius said, "everyone in my family's been in Slytherin and I won't be an exception to that." The confliction that statement made rattled throughout Sirius' mind, raging a war within it. He was two people; who his family expected him to be, and who he really was.

"I… umm… I think I'll be in Slytherin too," Past-Me said and I felt stupid for it. Here Sirius was with a real fear about being placed where, I suspect, he knew he didn't belong, but where his family wanted him to be. My remark was so silly, but I didn't know at the time, I couldn't have known.

"Why?" James asked. "Was your father in that house?"

"No, he didn't tell me which one he was in, he said he didn't want it to influence me. He said he'd be proud if I was in any of them, but I think I'll be in Slytherin, all the people who do bad things go into that house, that's what I heard." And now Past-Me was rambling.

I knew I shouldn't be upset about this, I should be seeing it as how far I've come, how much I've grown as a person, but it made me cringe. Past-Me knew nothing, I was just a scared little boy who hadn't seen the world.

"And what bad have you done?" Sirius asked. He was feeling annoyed and self-conscious.

"I didn't do the bad stuff, not really," I said, "but I don't think they'll care."

Something ignited in Sirius' mind and he felt resigned. He nodded his head at James and James nodded back. They were giving up their foolish staring competition, but why? What had I said? Was it the tone of my voice? What had changed? I'd just gone through this memory, but I still couldn't pick up on it. I was so worried about how stupid I sounded that I probably missed the point.

None of it mattered. I'd always been concerned with the wrong things and now wasn't any different.

They turned to look at me. This was my first time seeing myself through someone else's eyes. Past-Me's head was cast downwards and I was busy pulling at my sleeves, making sure my scars stayed hidden. Sirius' face stayed blank, I could feel that, he was always hiding, but something else was stirring inside him.

I tried to focus on Sirius' emotions. I didn't really hear his thoughts, but I was getting his emotions. Past-Me looked up and my green eyes met Sirius' gray ones. There was a warmth in Sirius' chest and it started spreading around his body. There was nothing else; had he felt this before? There was no fear.

I could feel Sirius' heart beating frantically and then I felt his hope, I felt his happiness, I felt his love. There was no negativity in this moment. It was the first time Sirius' mind had calmed down, the first time he'd felt no fear, the first time he'd relaxed. There was only one concern in his mind; me. He cared for me and nothing else mattered.

It was the oddest feeling in the world. He loved me, that much I was certain of, and he wasn't fighting it, he'd accepted it fully. Sirius looked at me and that was it for him. He fell for me the moment he saw me, he loved me with all his being, I was loved by Sirius Black.

Everything went hazy as I left Sirius' mind. Blackness overtook me and then I opened my eyes. I was back in my dorm and James was fussing over me, looking worried.

"Fuck," I muttered and James' eyes widened in concern and suprise.

Sirius loved me and he had loved me for a long time. How had I missed this? Had there been signs? Was I really that self-involved? Why had he waited two years? Why had he shown me in this way and not just told me? Why now? There were too many thoughts to process, but I kept coming back to the same one; Sirius Black loved me. He loved me and I loved him.

I smiled as my confusion turned into clarity. I knew what to do, I knew how to save Sirius from himself.


	73. You Have Me

**You Have Me**

"Where's your cloak?" I asked James as I stood up. I knew what I had to do, I knew how to help Sirius.

"No, no way," James said, "you're supposed to ask first."

"Fine," I said, "may I please borrow your cloak?"

James crossed his arms against his chest. "No," he said. "What the fuck just happened?" he asked. "You were out, Remus, whatever that white thing was, and now you're trying to leave. I won't let you, tell me what happened."

I sighed, sitting back on my bed. "It was one of Sirius' memories," I told him.

"Which one?" James asked.

"Our first train ride here," I said. Couldn't he just give me the cloak already?

"What's so important about that?" James asked.

"Nothing," I said, "…Everything. Look, James, the details aren't important, just give me your cloak… Please."

"Why?" he asked.

"I need to see Sirius," I told him.

"Okay, I'll come with."

"No," I stood up, "this is risky enough with just me going."

"I don't care," James said, "I care about him too. All you've told me is that he's been taken to St. Mungo's and something about his head. Please, Remus, I need to see him too."

"James, it's too risky," I told him, "I know you care for him, and trust me when I say that me going there alone tonight is what's best for him. You can come another time."

James didn't say anything.

"If you're not giving me the cloak," I said, "then I'm going without it, this is too important."

"How are you even getting there?" James asked.

"Floo Network."

"What? In McGonagall's office?"

"No, Irma's."

"Who the fuck is Irma?" James asked.

"Madam Pince," I told him, but he still looked confused, "the school librarian." Had James ever been in there?

"And she'll let you?" he asked.

This conversation was so time consuming, James knew nothing I noted, maybe I'd have to start filling him in on some stuff, but later, I needed to get to Sirius.

"Are you giving me the cloak or not?" I asked.

James chewed on his bottom lip as he decided. "Fine," he said, "but you have to take me with you sometime, I want to see him too."

I nodded my head. I knew Sirius would enjoy that, when he was ready. As James looked for his cloak, I grabbed everything I needed.

"Here." James threw the cloak at me. "When will you be back?" he asked.

"I'm not sure," I told him, "but probably before classes start, I can't let anyone know that I've gone."

I threw the cloak over myself, becoming invisible.

"Make sure he's okay," James said softly.

I stayed there for a beat and so did James, once he thought I'd left, he sat on his bed and his head fell into his hands. I didn't think he was crying, but Sirius' condition was definitely affecting him too. I needed to make sure I told him everything.

I left and headed for Irma's office. As I did, some of my concern and fear ebbed away. I'd been so confused, I had no idea how to help Sirius, but seeing his memory, feeling his emotions, one thing became glaringly obvious. He needed me.

When he was with me, when he looked at me, his fear disappeared, all of his negativity was gone, he just felt love. It reminded me of a time during our first year. Sirius was hiding away, he wasn't himself, it was as though a Dementor was following him around. I had tried giving him chocolate as it always made me feel better, but it didn't work for him. Then he smiled or something. At the time I thought the chocolate had worked and he just wouldn't admit that he was wrong, but now it was all clear; it was me.

" _I'm going to figure out what makes you happy," I had told Sirius, "then I'm going to get a bunch of it."_

" _I wouldn't worry about that," he had replied._

" _Why not?" I asked._

" _Because I already know what makes me happy."_

I made him happy, it had become clear. Now that I knew everything, I wondered what else would shake loose in my mind. Sirius had been giving me signs, he'd always been close to me, confiding in me more than anyone else. I should've figured it out sooner. Sirius always thought things through, he always did what was best for me.

He was too kind for the life he'd endured. I saw his mother, her voice was shrill and harsh, completely unforgiving, and although Sirius hadn't shown me any of the abuse, it made things clearer. It showed me how he always lived in fear, how he kept his thoughts locked up, how he didn't do anything to provoke her, how he loved her. Sirius had been struggling for a long time, he'd been hiding his true self for a long time. It made my heart break.

When I made it to Irma's office, the Floo powder was already waiting for me with a note sitting beside it.

 _He's in the Janus Thickey Ward, fourth floor, ward forty-nine._

Irma was too knowing, but I appreciated it. I threw the Floo power in the flames and then said my destination. _St Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries._

Thankfully, Sirius' ward wasn't hard to find. I didn't worry about anything, I just moved around at will knowing that no one would be able to see me under James' cloak. The door to the Janus Thickey Ward was locked, but a simple unlocking charm fixed that.

Sirius was down the end, in a bed by the window. I crept towards him, well aware that everyone else was sleeping and knowing that there must be a Healer around somewhere close by.

The light shone in through the window and my breath hitched as I saw Sirius. He looked the same as when I saw him a few hours back. His eyes were still open and they were still blank. It was late, I assumed he would be asleep by now, but no.

I carefully climbed into the bed behind him, under the covers. I put the cloak over both of us and pulled the covers up high. If anyone looked, they'd just see a lump in Sirius' bed.

"I'm here," I told him, hugging him to my chest from behind, "I'm here, Russ, and I'm not going anywhere."

I hoped that my presence was calming his mind down, or sparking it, something, anything.

"The sliver sphere opened," I told him, "and I want you to know that I love you too and nothing will ever change that."

I found his hand, interlocked our fingers, and brought it up to rest over his heart.

"I'm here," I told him, "it's okay, I'm here now."

Sirius didn't move or react, but I didn't care, this was where I needed to be. After a while, I shifted so I could look at his face. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that his eyes were now closed. I hoped he was getting some much-needed rest.

I pulled back to settle down and Sirius' hand gripped mine tightly. He had reacted, or was it involuntarily.

"I'm here," I told him, "I'm not going anywhere. You have me."

Sirius' hand relaxed and not long later I fell asleep holding my beautiful broken boy in my arms, just hoping that he was sleeping peacefully too.

The sun shone in the window and stirred me awake. I chanced a peek at Sirius and he still had his eyes closed. I knew I had to leave soon and it was a painful thought. I didn't want to go, but I couldn't stay.

I stayed with him for as long as I could and when I pulled away, Sirius didn't react and his eyes were open again, staring at nothing. I carefully got out of his bed and made sure to cover him up. I walked around the bed and knelt down out of sight and pulled the cloak off my head.

"I have to go," I whispered, "I need to play the part," I used phrasing I knew he'd understand, "but I'll be back tonight, I promise. You have me, Russ, remember that, I'm not leaving you. I love you."

His eyes weren't focused on me, but I was in his line of vision. He didn't react, but I was getting used to it. It hurt to get nothing from him, but I expected nothing less.

Sirius had been living with so much turmoil, he'd been abused mentally beyond belief and now he was broken. It would take time for him to heal, but I was hopeful that with my presence and love, he'd come back stronger than ever. If not, I'd still be here.

I reached into my pocket and pulled out the shrunken Padfoot. I made him big and then pushed the stuffed dog against Sirius' chest. I wrapped Sirius' arm around Padfoot, hoping that maybe he'd take comfort in the toy.

"It's Padfoot," I said, in case Sirius hadn't seen it, "he's going to stay with you. He'll protect you like he protects me. I'll be back tonight."

I found it impossible to leave him. Sirius needed me, but I couldn't risk staying. Dumbledore couldn't know, the hospital staff couldn't know.

I grabbed Sirius' hand in my own, grasping it tightly.

"You have me," I told him before leaning forward and kissing his forehead. "I love you, Russ."

I let go of his hand. I threw the cloak over myself. I left.

My tears flowed freely. Sirius didn't deserve this.


	74. Step-by-Step

**Step-by-Step**

"Whoa," James said, clearly stunned, "I can't believe all of that's been happening and most of it right in front of my face. …Who knew Madam Pince had a nice side, who knew that Sirius and you were that close, who knew about you and Nix, who knew about the things you've been doing with Moony… Sirius bought that dragon hide jacket in our first year, this has been going on forever."

I nodded my head, I had told James everything, well, everything that was relevant. I didn't tell him about mine and Sirius' first kiss or that Sirius had taught me how to pleasure myself, but I told him everything else I could think of. It was good having him know, especially now when I didn't have Sirius to confide in.

When it was time to go, James didn't even ask to come with me, he just handed me his cloak with a deep understanding and told me to make sure I helped Sirius. I nodded in return, that was my goal.

I arrived in Sirius' ward and things had already changed, not by much, but some. I didn't know how Sirius spent his days, but I assumed the Healers were trying to figure out what was wrong with him and how to fix him. Surely, they hadn't given up on him yet. Tonight, his eyes were closed, which was a relief, and he was hugging Padfoot to his chest tightly.

I got into the bed behind him, the same as last time and made sure we were covered up. "I'm here," I told him, "you have me, I'm not leaving, I love you." Sirius didn't react, but it didn't matter. Seeing his small improvement from yesterday was enough for me. I held onto him tightly, whispering my words into his ear, and then I fell asleep.

When I awoke, I did the same thing as the first night. I carefully got out of bed and knelt by him. His eyes were open again, but they still weren't focused on me. I rested my hand on his cheek. "I love you," I said, smiling, "I'll see you tonight." I kissed him on the forehead and then I was gone.

It was still incredibly hard to leave him, but I knew I'd be back tonight and I hoped that he would make more improvements throughout the day. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up, but it was impossible.

* * *

Night three, Sirius had either rolled over or he had been moved as he was now facing the opposite direction, I didn't let it change anything. I still got in bed, and once I was settled, I pulled Sirius and Padfoot flush against my chest, reassuring him that I was here and that I loved him.

Having his head against my chest was amazing and I hoped he was breathing in my scent; I hoped it soothed him like his scent did for me. I held him tightly, stroking his hair with my free hand. It didn't take long for me to fall asleep.

It was harder to let him go that morning. I took in his scent, rubbing his scalp one last time before I slowly let him go. As I stood up, Sirius shifted, he rolled over so he was facing the window. I smiled, he'd reacted and he knew our routine.

I walked around and knelt by the bed. I had tears in my eyes as I looked into his gray ones. "You're in there, Russ," I said, "I know it, just take your time, okay. I'll be here, I'm not going anywhere." I kissed his forehead. "I love you."

* * *

On the fourth night, Sirius was facing my way again. I got into bed, crushing our chests together and stroking his hair. This was becoming my favorite part of the day. School was a good distraction, but I'd rather be here with Sirius. This was the best I could do, I had to play the part, we couldn't let anyone know.

I fell asleep, but was awoken at some point by Sirius' soft whimpers. This was the first noise he'd made since his mind had gone blank and it made my heart soar and sink. He sounded like he was in pain and I hated it. I held him to me tighter. "It's okay," I said, "I'm here, you have me, you're okay. I love you, Russ."

Sirius calmed down and we fell back asleep.

That morning, he rolled over again, waiting for me. This time, I don't know if he planned it or if it was coincidental, but his gray eyes were staring straight at mine, they still seemed blank, and when I moved, his eyes didn't follow me, but he was looking right at me.

I said my usual goodbye and left.

* * *

Night five, Sirius nuzzled his head against my chest as I pulled us together. It was only a small movement, but after having him completely rigid in my arms for days, I noticed it. It was over as quick as it started, but it made me feel hope.

I found it extremely funny that the one thing I needed to learn in life, patience, was being taught to me by Sirius, but he was worth waiting for. Slow and steady, step-by-step. He would come back to me and I would be here when he did.

There were no whimpers this time and the next morning his eyes were on mine again. I went to kiss his forehead, like usual, but his lips looked extra pouty today and I wasn't sure if that was intentional or not. I stared into his eyes, trying to find my answer, but there was nothing there. I tentatively leaned forward and brushed my lips against his. He didn't kiss me back, but he didn't react negatively either.

* * *

On the sixth night, Sirius turned his head so it rested more against my shoulder than chest, and I ran my fingers through his hair like normal.

I woke up with his arm slung over my hip, it was dead weight, but it was there.

I kissed him on the lips before I left and they twitched.

* * *

Night seven, Sirius shifted against my chest again and he sighed softly, at least, I think he did as it was so soft. I held him to me, whispering my usual words.

When I woke up, his arm was over my hips again and when I tried to pull away, it got caught on my shirt for a moment, but then I freed myself.

I kissed him on the lips again, but this time I kept my eyes open and Sirius' eyes stared back at me as our lips met. They flickered, his eyes did, there was one split second where he moved them and they focused on me so intently. Then they were blank again. He was in there, I never doubted that.

My process may be slow and I may be doing nothing except for being here with him, but he was coming back to me.

* * *

On the eighth night, Sirius moved around a lot against my chest, it was as though he couldn't get comfortable or he was restless. They were still small movements, but they felt so big to me, so monumental. I tried to calm him down with my words. I could only imagine how he felt about all this. For all I knew, he was a prisoner trapped inside his own mind. There was probably so many things he wanted to do, but just couldn't.

That night, I woke up to Sirius screaming. They were bloodcurdling screams. I fell out of the bed, taking the cloak with me. What was going on? He sounded like he was in pain. How did I help him?

Someone came running into the room, it was a Healer. I watched Sirius, he was sitting up in bed, still screaming at the top of his lungs. He looked scared. The Healer fussed about before pulling a potion from her pocket. No.

I didn't care if this risked everything, I wouldn't let her give that potion to Sirius. I stood up and knocked the potion out of her hand. It broke against the floor and she sighed, looking around for whatever had caused her to drop it. She couldn't see me, I was invisible, and then she left to find another one. I didn't have much time.

I climbed onto the bed and threw the cloak over Sirius and me. The screams were louder now, echoing around the cloak. I leaned forward and whispered in his ear.

"You're okay," I told him, "I'm here, you have me. I love you. Please, Russ, please listen to my voice. I love you so much."

And then, just like that, the screams stopped. Sirius laid back down, clutching Padfoot to his chest, closing his eyes. I got off the bed and reached under the blanket to hold his hand. I knew the Healer would be back soon, so I needed to keep my distance.

The Healer came back and looked at Sirius confused. She put the potion back into her pocket and then she got her wand out, running it over Sirius' head like Dumbledore had done. Then, she was gone. I waited for a beat, but she didn't come back. I got back into bed and held Sirius to me, whispering my words to him, running my hand through his hair.

That morning, his eyes didn't focus on me, but I didn't let that change my side of our routine. I still kissed him on the lips, I still told him I loved him, and I still promised him that I'd be back tonight.

* * *

"How's Sirius?" Nix asked me.

We were currently in Flitwick's classroom for a club meeting.

"Okay," I answered. I hadn't told Nix everything, I wouldn't betray Sirius like that, I just told him that it was bad and that I visited Sirius at St. Mungo's as often as I could.

"Have you tried doing anything?" Nix asked. "I mean, with your wand. You're smart, Remus, maybe you can help him."

I shook my head no, it was too risky and I'd never do that to Sirius. I had learned my lesson from the truth serum. Sirius had too many people in his life affecting his mind with magic and I wouldn't become one of them. My method may be slow, but it was working.

"Mr. Lupin," McGonagall called out.

What was she doing here? I looked up and her face was even more unreadable than usual. What was going on? I hadn't done anything, neither had James or Peter, we'd all been good.

I stood up.

"Gather your things," she told me.

That wasn't a good sign. Nix looked at me concerned, but I brushed him off and picked up my things.

When McGonagall and I were in the hall she said something that sent chills down my spine.

"It's about Sirius." Her voice was so grave.

But what about Sirius? Had he gotten worse? Better? Did they know about my nightly visits? I had no idea, but I had a feeling it wouldn't be good, and that was confirmed when I noticed that McGonagall was leading me to Dumbledore's office. No, this wouldn't be good at all.


	75. Infallible

**Infallible**

Walking up the staircase to Dumbledore's office with McGonagall by my side felt as though I was walking to my death. I knew I had to play the part, but I wasn't as good at it as Sirius. I tried to think about how he would act in this situation and I decided that I wasn't going to say anything specific unless asked. I wouldn't be telling Dumbledore anything that he didn't already know.

"Take a seat, Remus," Dumbledore said the moment we entered.

I sat down and put my books and other supplies on the coffee table in front of me. I looked nervously at McGonagall, I wasn't sure whether or not she was staying, but I hoped she would stay.

Dumbledore came over and sat across from me. "That will be all, thank you, Minerva."

No, she needed to stay. I didn't want to be alone with Dumbledore.

"Why can't she stay?" I asked and I saw the surprised look on McGonagall's face.

"I have no objection to that," Dumbledore said, "as long as you speak the truth."

Sirius trusted McGonagall, I knew that much, and I didn't want to be alone. I accepted his offer, but then nothing happened. I wanted to ask how Sirius was so badly, but I couldn't show them my hand, so I waited.

McGonagall chose a seat that put her in a neutral position between Dumbledore and me, and I was thankful for that. She wasn't taking sides, not yet. Still, no one said anything.

Dumbledore was the first to break. "Did Professor McGonagall inform you as to why you're here?" he asked.

"She said it had to do with Sirius," I answered honestly, "but that's all."

"Do you know what happened to Mr. Black?" Dumbledore asked and I noted that he wasn't giving anything away, two could play at that game.

"I know he's at St. Mungo's and it's something to do with his head." There, I just needed to stick to the truth and not lie. I couldn't let him catch me out. If I denied that I knew Sirius was at St. Mungo's and Dumbledore knew I'd visited him then I'd be caught out.

"That's correct," Dumbledore said, "it's very serious. Tell me, Remus, do you know what Legilimency is?"

Where was he going with this? Could he read my mind? I couldn't keep him out like Sirius could. Did he know everything just by looking at me?

"Yes," I said, proud that my voice wasn't wavering like it usually did in his presence, "it's where you can read someone's mind."

"Did you know that I'm a skilled Legilimens?" he asked.

"No." I kept my answer simple.

"When I first found Mr. Black, his mind was completely blank," Dumbledore told me, "not a single thought, and then, the most curious thing happened. There was a spark and one single image appeared. That image was of you. I didn't think much of it at the time, I just thought it was a reflex, or something unimportant.

"Sirius' Healer at St. Mungo's contacted me this morning," Dumbledore continued and I tried to keep my face and mind blank, "she said he was screaming last night, and as she went to fetch a sleep potion, it stopped. When she checked his mind, there was something there; you. She, of course, doesn't know who you are, but her description fit you perfectly, and furthermore, it was the exact image of you that I'd gotten from him.

"Let me paint this as a picture for you," Dumbledore said, "and you can tell me the meaning behind it. You look younger than you are now, your arm is in a sling, you're shirtless, your face is twisted in anger, and you've got your wand raised. This image, which has now appeared in Sirius' empty mind twice, is a curious one. Why would an image such as that be something Sirius is focusing on? Do you remember the event I'm talking about?"

I did, it was hard to forget. Peter had stolen the chocolate bar I'd gotten for Sirius, I was so mad at him that I didn't even think to cover up my scars before attacking him. I just wanted him to pay, but then Sirius had come into the dorm and calmed me down. I couldn't remember any of the details, I couldn't remember what he said. Why was Sirius thinking about this memory? Dumbledore was right, out of everything, why this one?

"I remember it," I said, "Peter Pettigrew had taken something of mine and I was angry, in pain, and it was the day after my wolf transformation. I wasn't thinking straight… Nothing happened, Sirius calmed me down, I don't remember how. ...I have no idea why he's thinking about that moment, as far as I can remember, there was nothing special about it."

"There must be a reason," Dumbledore pressed, "if only I could access your mind and see the memory clearly, but unfortunately, being cursed by the werewolf puts certain protections on your mind, I cannot see a thing."

Dumbledore couldn't read my mind, that was a relief, but I tried not to let it show on my face.

"Mr. Black has been making a little progress on his own," Dumbledore said, "but it's not at a healthy rate. The Healers aren't sure what else to try as this isn't something they've seen before. There's been similar cases, but never no thoughts at all, unless the person is unconscious. We've decided that what's best for Mr. Black is if you would go and visit him at St. Mungo's. If he's thinking about you when he can then there must be a reason for it."

His suggestion made my heart soar, but I couldn't seem too eager.

"Sirius is my friend," I said, "so of course I'll do anything to help him."

"Very well," Dumbledore said, "we'll go tomorrow, it's too late today."

"Can I ask you a question?" I bravely said. It was something I'd wondered, but been too afraid to ask. "Has Sirius' family been notified of his condition?"

I thought maybe they visited him during the day and that's why Sirius hadn't been making much progress.

Dumbledore regarded me closely. "No," he said, "we have reason to suspect that he's in this position because to them, and until we know otherwise, they won't find out, but if Mr. Black doesn't get better soon, we'll have no choice but to tell them. Incurring the wrath of the Black family is not something any of us need. Go back to your dorm, Remus, Minerva will come and get you early tomorrow morning so make sure you're ready."

I nodded my head and left. As I walked back to the dorm I tried to work out why Sirius kept thinking of that memory. Why would he want to see me in a fit of rage rather than me smiling or me loving him? Why that memory? It must be important to him, but why? I tried to remember it more clearly, but I just couldn't.

I liked that I got to see Sirius tomorrow, no cloak, just me and him, but that didn't change anything for tonight. I was still going to see him.

Once I got to St. Mungo's, I couldn't keep the smile off my face. Sirius was facing my way and I slid into bed with him.

"I love you," I told him as I pushed his hair away from his blank face, "you're frustratingly confusing, but I love you."

Sirius tried to shift closer to me, it was our routine, but I held him off for a moment. I was still smiling widely and I'm sure he wanted to know why.

"Guess what," I said, "Dumbledore's letting me visit you tomorrow. I'm so excited. If we can pull this off then maybe I can visit you during the day and at night."

Sirius' face twitched and he blinked, but then it was blank again. It was a reaction, maybe he was trying to break free, but couldn't.

"Don't worry about it," I said, pulling him against my chest. "I'm not going anywhere. I will never leave you. We will get through this."


	76. Blink Once

**Blink Once**

McGonagall came and got me early, but I was already up and ready. I was so excited to see Sirius again even though I only left him a couple of hours before. McGonagall led me to Dumbledore's office and I didn't even care when Dumbledore said he'd be accompanying me to St. Mungo's.

None of it mattered because Sirius and I had our nighttime routine where we could be close under the cover of James' cloak. This daytime visit would be for something else entirely and I wouldn't let Dumbledore's presence alter that.

We arrived and I let Dumbledore lead the way. I did my best to play the part, constantly looking around St. Mungo's in equal parts awe and slight fear. Dumbledore couldn't know I was familiar with any of this. I had decided that when we saw Sirius I was going to gasp or react negatively, something, but that all flew out the window when I saw Sirius.

Dumbledore stayed behind me and my face broke out into the biggest smile as I saw Sirius sitting up in bed. He wasn't sitting on his own, he was just propped up, his face still blank, but that didn't matter to me. I was so excited to see him.

"Hi, Sirius," I said. My fingers itched to push his hair away from his face, but I had to at least keep a physical distance if nothing else. I sat on his bed. "It's me, Remus, your friend." That was hard to say because I knew we were so much more than that even if we hadn't had time to label it, but I had to play the part.

"James is being such a prat," I told Sirius, laughing lightly, "I thought you'd like to know that, he's missing his best friend like crazy, but I'm keeping him grounded. Maybe if Dumbledore allows it he can come and see you too."

Sirius didn't react, he was staring straight ahead. I had a feeling some of it was to do with Dumbledore being here, but I pushed on.

"I brought something for you," I reached inside my cloak and grabbed Rensen out, "I wasn't sure if it was allowed, but I snuck him in." I held Rensen in Sirius' line of sight. "It's Rensen," I told him and then I loosened my grip on Rensen.

Rensen wasted no time, he flew to Sirius' shoulder and burrowed himself under Sirius' hair. I smiled, it was good to see them back together again. Rensen had been pecking me extra hard lately and spent most of his time buried under Sirius' bedcovers. I bet they both missed each other.

Sirius blinked and when he opened his eyes, they were now on me. He didn't move his head or his body, but he was now silently looking at me.

I smiled and nodded my head at him, trying to show him that he was doing great.

"I wanted to wish you a happy birthday," I said, trying to choose normal things that normal friends would talk about, but Sirius and I had never been normal. "I didn't get you anything," I told him, "but maybe once you're back at school we can have some chocolate cake, I know that's your favorite."

I was hoping Sirius would react to that, even something small, as he hated chocolate cake, but nothing.

"I know you're in there, Sirius," I said, "I know that you think of me… Well, I'm right here, you don't need to think anymore or hide. I'm right here."

I grabbed his hand in mine. His fingers tensed against mine, but I doubted Dumbledore would've been able to see that from where he was standing.

If only we could talk freely and not in code. If Sirius was reacting this much whilst hiding from Dumbledore then I could only imagine how great his progress would be if we were alone... Wait, that was it.

"Professor Dumbledore?" I asked, turning to face him. "What are the Healers doing to help Sirius?"

"At this point," Dumbledore said, "there's not much they can do except observe him."

"Then why is he still here?" I asked. "Surely Sirius would heal faster if he was in an environment where he felt safe, surrounded by his friends. Look at him," I said, "he's looking at me, you saw him move his eyes, and when I grabbed his hand he grabbed mine back. His friends are the key here. You can't just keep him here and expect him to get better on his own. He needs us."

What had I done? I wasn't supposed to say anything, I was supposed to play the part and just leave everything alone, but I couldn't help it. Sirius didn't need to be here, they were doing nothing, he was doing nothing.

I turned back to Sirius. "I know you're in there," I said, "and I know you can hear me. ...Sirius, blink once if you want to go back to Hogwarts."

I held my breath as I waited, this was a huge risk. I didn't know if Sirius had control over his actions or not, but I had to try. He didn't belong here, he belonged with me and James. Sirius blinked and I almost cried happy tears, but I kept myself in check.

"See," I told Dumbledore, "he doesn't want to be here, he doesn't need to be here. Look, he's responding to me. He will get better in his own time, you'll see. There's a reason he's thinking about me and I'm not sure why that is, but nothing's going to change if he stays here. It's been nine days. Surely you can tell that this is what's best for him."

Dumbledore didn't say anything for a beat.

"Answer me this," Dumbledore said, "do you love him?"

"Yes."

"Have you been intimate with him?" Dumbledore asked.

Now was the time to lie, I just hoped it was convincing.

"No," I said, "I don't know if he feels the same way about me."

"And what if I told you that he did," Dumbledore said, "what then?"

"I don't know," I said. I gripped Sirius' hand tightly, running my thumb over his knuckles. I hoped he was aware enough to know that what I was about to say was a lie. "It wouldn't change anything," I told Dumbledore, "I like having him as a friend and I won't risk that. I don't think I'm ready for more anyway, the wolf takes up most of my time, it's not worth it."

"Not even for love?" Dumbledore asked.

"I'm only thirteen," I told him, "I'm too young to think about any of this. I don't want to kiss anyone, let alone do more. Maybe in the future, if I'm lucky, Sirius and I might be more, but I'm not ready right now."

Dumbledore paused for a moment.

"Very well," he said, "I will speak to the Healers. No promises though, Remus, if they say this is the best place for him then he'll stay here."

I nodded my head and Dumbledore left.

Once he'd been gone long enough, I grabbed Sirius' hand and rested it against my heart.

"I love you," I told him, "never doubt that, I was just playing the part. No matter what happens, I won't leave you."

Sirius splayed his fingers out against my chest and I hoped he could feel my heart beating for him. I dropped my hand from his and a moment later Sirius let his drop as well. We couldn't be caught, we both knew that.

I started filling Sirius in about Rensen's actions lately as we waited for Dumbledore to come back. The moment Dumbledore entered, we paused and Sirius moved his eyes to Dumbledore.

"Okay," Dumbledore said, but I didn't let myself believe him until he said more, "Sirius can come back to Hogwarts for a trial period, but if he doesn't make enough progress then he's coming straight back here."

Yes. I couldn't believe it, I'd done it. I was so happy right now. Sirius was coming back, I wouldn't have to sneak out anymore. I'd still spend my nights with him, but it'd be easier now. I knew they probably wouldn't put him back in the dorms, he'd most likely be in the hospital wing, but we could work on that. Sirius was coming home.


	77. It's Not that Impressive

**It's Not that Impressive**

"How'd it go?" James asked the moment I joined him in class.

"Good," I whispered, not wanting to disturb the class. Peter was sitting clear over the other side with a Slytherin student, so I felt comfortable talking to James. "He's coming back here, temporarily."

"Are you serious?" James said loudly and everyone looked at him. James looked abashed and lowered his voice. "That's fucking awesome, tell me what happened."

"They weren't doing anything there," I said, copying the notes off the board, "so I told Dumbledore that Sirius should come back here and he agreed, for a trial period, I'm not worried about that though."

James looked at me oddly.

"What?" I asked him.

"You told Dumbledore that?" he asked.

"Yeah, so?"

"That guy is scary powerful," James said, "I can't believe you, of all people, said that to him. Wow, I might've underestimated you, Remus."

"It's nothing," I said, "Sirius didn't belong there, he belongs with us."

"I'm not disagreeing with that," James said, "and now I can see him. I've missed him. Do you know where he'll be staying? Will Dumbledore let him in our dorm yet or not?"

"I doubt it," I said, "my best guess is the hospital wing so Madam Pomfrey can keep an eye on him."

"Oh, yeah," James said, "that makes sense, I guess. Is he back already?"

"No," I told him. "Sirius was still at Mungo's when I left. I think they have to fill out paperwork and all that official stuff. He'll be back today though." Surely.

"And you're still going to visit him?" James asked. "You know, the same as last time?"

At night?

"Of course," I said, "he needs me. He needs both of us."

"When do you think I can visit him?" James asked.

"I don't know," I told him, "probably tomorrow. They'll want to get him settled in first."

"Oh."

"It's only one more day, James."

"I know, I just miss him," James said. "How's he like now? Any changes?"

"Umm, he's still about the same," I said. "Not talking, not moving, just blank, but he looked at me today and Dumbledore, and when I asked if he wanted to come back to Hogwarts he responded with a blink. It's not much, but we're getting there."

James' face fell.

"What?" I asked him.

"It's just," James said, "I don't know if I want to see him that way. I know you keep telling me how bad he is, but I just can't picture it."

"He's still the same," I said, "and he's clearly still in there, there's just some kind of barrier blocking his mind or something."

"A barrier?" James asked.

"Yeah, that's how I'm looking at it," I said, "because barriers can be broken down, you just need to find the weak point and I think that's me."

"You?" James asked, clearly offended.

"Would you rather it be you?" I asked. "He loves me, James, like you love Lily. Do you want Sirius to be in love with you?"

"No, not that, I just…" James trailed off and groaned. "Fine," he accepted, "you can take this one. Sirius is still my best friend though and you can't ever take that away from me."

"I wouldn't dare," I told him.

* * *

"That's amazing," Nix said.

"So everyone keeps telling me." I groaned.

"I'd never do that," Nix said, "Dumbledore's word is law, everyone knows that. I can't believe you told him that and he agreed. Shit, Remus."

"It's not that impressive," I said.

"I beg to differ," Nix said. "McGonagall should award you fifty house points for that. I bet no one's ever stood up to him before."

"Can we not talk about this?" I asked. I really didn't see why it was so impressive, I just put Sirius first. It was what everyone should do, but they were too worried about putting him in the same category as his family to notice how deserving he was.

"Is he back yet?" Nix asked.

"Yeah," I said, "someone saw him. I checked the hospital wing though and he's not there. I should've realized they'd keep him somewhere more private, but I have no idea where."

"I'm sure they'll tell you," Nix said, "probably tomorrow or something."

"Yeah." But I wanted to see Sirius tonight, I wouldn't leave him alone. If I had to search the whole castle, I would. If only Sirius had finished his map, that way I could find him easily.

Flitwick's club ended and I headed straight for the dorm. I needed to start working on a list of places where they could be keeping Sirius. I could probably just ask Irma, I bet she'd know.

When it was late enough, and Peter was already asleep, I searched James' trunk for his cloak.

"You know," James said, "you're going to spend most of the night looking for him."

"So?" I said. There was no other way and Sirius was worth it.

"It would be quicker with two people," James said.

"Not if we're both under the same invisibility cloak," I snapped, "or do you happen to have another one?"

"Wow," James said, "someone's got ants in their pants."

I sighed.

"I'm sorry," I told him, "I'm just stressed. At least at St. Mungo's I knew exactly where he was, we had our routine. What if they keep a closer eye on him here, plus Dumbledore's closer. I don't want them to send him back, nor do I want it to be because of something I did, or didn't do."

"I'm sure it will be fine," James said, trying to calm me down, but it wasn't working.

"We don't know that," I said, "I shouldn't have said anything. We had our routine, it was working, but now there are so many unknowns."

"You'll be fine."

Fine, right. I just needed to stay calm.

"Mr. Lupin."

I froze where I was, digging through James' trunk, and my eyes snapped to the door. McGonagall was standing there, oh no. I stood up.

"Yes?" I said.

McGonagall had never been in our dorm before and she hadn't knocked.

"Come with me please," she said.

I faltered. What was going on?

"Mr. Black asked for you," McGonagall told me.

"Asked?" I said, trying not to get my hopes up.

McGonagall looked over at a sleeping Peter before looking at James critically. "Yes," she told me, "he said your name. Come on now, quickly, you can't keep Mr. Black waiting."

Sirius had spoken, I couldn't believe it, and he had asked for me. I knew getting Sirius back here was a good idea.


	78. Break Free

**Break Free**

McGonagall walked at a brisk pace towards Sirius and I struggled to keep up. Sirius had asked for me, I still couldn't believe it, he had spoken. Was he finally starting to get better? I hoped so. McGonagall cast a silencing charm around us.

"I don't know how much you know," McGonagall said, "but I know a lot more than I should."

What was she talking about?

"Mr. Black," McGonagall said before pausing, "Sirius," she continued, "has confided some things to me, things concerning his family, things concerning you."

"M-me?" I asked, fearing the worst. We couldn't let anyone know, we had to play the part.

"I want you to know that although I think Dumbledore is a great wizard," McGonagall said, "I do not agree with everything he says or does. I'm more… compassionate, if you will."

What was she talking about?

"Sirius cares for you," McGonagall said. I tried not to clam up. "I think it's adorable. First love, no doubt."

Adorable? No one had ever called us that before. Was that a good thing or a bad thing?

"Don't look so worried, Remus." McGonagall laughed lightly. "As I said, I'm not like Dumbledore, I have nothing against you and Sirius. That necklace you're wearing."

My hand instinctively went to touch it. Thankfully we were still a couple of weeks away from the next full moon and I really hoped Sirius would be better by then because I didn't want to leave him alone.

"Sirius thinks he's smart," McGonagall said with a smile, "and he is, but he underestimated me and that was his downfall. I knew about the necklace even though he never told me. I saw his plans, but I went along with his charade. I know you have no reason to believe any of this, but know that Sirius trusts me. There's a reason he came to my quarters in his time of need."

She was right, I'd already thought about that. Sirius trusted her, but how much had he confided in her? Could I trust her too? I decided to throw her a small bone and see how she reacted.

"I've secretly been visiting Sirius at St. Mungo's," I told her, "that's why he's been making progress."

McGonagall hummed, but said nothing. I hoped I could trust her.

She led me to her personal quarters and I was glad they had put Sirius somewhere he felt safe.

McGonagall stopped me just outside the bedroom door. "You're important to him," she told me, "do whatever you need to, visit him whenever you want, I will keep your secret from Dumbledore, just… just get him back... I miss him."

I was glad to have her on my side. McGonagall was so worried for Sirius, I could see that now.

"Whatever it takes," I agreed.

I opened the door and shut it behind me. I didn't hesitate, I put up a locking charm. I knew McGonagall could break through it, but that wasn't the point.

Sirius wasn't on the bed, he was in the corner again. It was the same place as I last saw him, when he was broken. He was still broken, but he wasn't in his tight ball today. He was just sitting there, staring at the wall.

I knelt in front of him and his eyes snapped to me, it was an instant reaction and it was good to see.

"Come on," I said, taking his hand and standing up.

Sirius didn't move, but his eyes followed me.

"Don't make me pick you up," I said, tugging at his hand.

I realized that no one had put him in this corner, they would've put him on the bed if anywhere, so that meant he'd moved to the corner on his own. He had spoken and he had moved.

"Come on," I pressed, "we're just going to the bed."

Sirius' eyes went to the bed and then back to me. I smiled at him and pulled his arm again. This time, he stood and shuffled over to the bed with me. We sat down on the edge, angled towards each other.

"It's okay, you know," I said, "if things are clearing up in your head. It's okay to start moving and talking more. I know nothing's changed, whatever broke in your mind is still there, I understand that, but it's okay to get better physically. Physically has nothing to do with mentally and it might be enough to show Dumbledore that you're getting better, for him to not send you back to St. Mungo's. Do you understand what I'm saying at all?"

Sirius stared at me somewhat blankly and then he blinked. "I'm sorry," he said and my heart broke. Sirius didn't apologize, and he had nothing to apologize for. I waited to see if he was going to say anymore. "I…" Sirius trailed off, dropping his head onto my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around him. "I love you," he whispered.

He had admitted it, my smile was so wide. I was loved by Sirius Black. The feeling was indescribable, I felt whole for the first time in my life.

Sirius went rigid in my arms. No. I pulled back, but kept my arm around him. He was closing up again, I could feel it, but I couldn't allow it.

"I love you too," I said, my eyes drilling into his, "in this life and the next, never-ending, you and me, Remy and Russ."

Sirius didn't react, so I leaned forward and kissed him, trying to show him my love. Sirius' lips twitched, but he didn't kiss me back. I pulled away, he seemed less tense, but that wasn't necessarily a good sign. Then it hit me, Sirius' problem, it was with me, the fact that he was gay, that he loved me, something about that. He was warring with himself. He loved me, but he couldn't love me.

"Don't," I said firmly, guiding his head back onto my shoulder, "don't think about the bad, don't let them control you, not anymore. Family doesn't have to be blood, you can make your own. I'm your family, me and James. We love you, we care for you, we're here for you. We want you to get better and live your life. Don't think about the bad, you need to let it go."

"I can't," Sirius said before bursting into tears, "I can't because I'm underage, I still live there, I can't get away. I want you to be my family so badly, Remy, but my mother won't let me go, not unless she kills me, and I don't want that, not anymore. I want to love you like you love me, and I do, but it's tainted, it will always be tainted, everything I do is tainted. She's got her claws in too deep, Remy, and I don't know how to break free."

My beautiful broken boy, I hugged him to me.

"It's okay," I said, running my fingers through his hair. "It will be okay, I promise. Whatever it takes, I will help you break free."

I wasn't sure if Sirius believed me, but it didn't matter because I'd do everything in my power to make sure I kept this promise. Sirius deserved to be free.


	79. Impossible, but True

**Impossible, but True**

"Here," I said, pulling away from Sirius, "how about we lay down, unless there's something else you want to do."

"No," Sirius said, "I just want to hold you."

I pouted, I couldn't help it. "But I usually hold you," I told him.

"I know," Sirius said, "but I miss holding you. I like holding you. Please just let me hold you."

How could I deny him? I'd waited so long for him to talk again.

"Okay," I accepted, "but you've gotta let me hold you sometimes too."

Sirius seemed conflicted and I wondered why that was.

"Okay," he said, but the word was very shaky.

I smiled at him. "Let's not worry about that now," I said, "we have plenty of time to fight about who gets to hold who."

Sirius laid down on his side and I mirrored his position.

I reached out and pushed Sirius' hair behind his ear. I was so happy right now. Sirius had kissed me on his birthday and then his mind had broken, this was the first true moment we'd had since then. I knew Sirius wasn't fixed, but he was talking and moving and that was something.

Sirius' eyes wouldn't leave mine. He reached out and grabbed my hip, pulling my body towards him. My face crashed against his chest and Sirius wrapped his arms around me. He put one hand at the small of my back and the other on my neck.

"Thank you," Sirius mumbled, his face buried in my hair, "for being with me, for not giving up. If you weren't there, I don't think I would've made it, it wouldn't have been worth it. I love you, Remy, I'm sorry I never said that before."

"Why did you take so long to tell me?" I asked, my head still crushed against his chest. I liked being this close to him, having him hold me, feeling his love.

"You weren't ready," Sirius said simply, "and neither was I."

He was right.

"Are we ready now?" I asked.

What if we weren't? What if this crashed and burned? I wanted Sirius forever, not just now. I didn't want to do anything too soon and risk it all.

"The sphere opened," Sirius said simply, "it wouldn't have opened if you weren't ready."

"Are you sure it didn't just open because of what happened to you?" I asked. I'd always wondered this, what if it had only opened because Sirius' mind had broken?

"No," Sirius said, "it had nothing to do with me, not after McGonagall sealed it."

What?

"McGonagall helped you with the silver sphere?" I asked. I knew Sirius hadn't put his memory in the sphere on his own, but McGonagall had helped him?

"Yeah," Sirius said, "she helped me with the wooden one too, that's how I got it back, she just gave it to me, and that's why she took it from you and James, she knew how important it was."

"What was in it?" I asked. "You said you'd tell me once the silver sphere opened."

"I said I'd consider telling you," Sirius reminded me, "but I'm not going to."

"Why?" That hardly seemed fair.

"I lied to you," Sirius said, "I was just so mad and…" he trailed off. "The wooden sphere never opened, everything's intact, it's still waiting for the right moment. I'm sorry I lied, I just, I didn't want you to lose it again, so I told you it had opened. It was hard for me to lie to you, but I couldn't trust you."

The wooden sphere hadn't opened?

"Then why did you give me the silver sphere?" I asked.

"I… I overdid it, I think," Sirius said, "I tried to put everything into the wooden sphere, and I did, but it was too much, I needed it to be simpler, that's why the silver sphere showed you the moment I fell for you. It was simple enough to show you that my heart has always belonged to you."

If the silver sphere had showed me that much, then what was in the wooden sphere? It had to be something major, but I had no idea what it could be. I liked that it was still in there, whatever it was. I liked knowing that my recklessness hadn't cost me Sirius' gift, but what was it?

"Remy," Sirius said, "please don't obsess over it, just let it open on its own."

But now that I knew… This was just like last time I realized and all of these similar thoughts had led to me losing the sphere. I needed to calm myself.

"Okay," I said, trying to forget it, but it was too hard. I focused on where I was instead, in Sirius' arms. I snuggled closer against his chest. I loved him so much it hurt. "Russ," I said, "whenever you're ready, I'm here to listen, or maybe you'd rather talk to McGonagall about it all."

"I don't want to talk to her," Sirius said.

"You need to talk to someone," I told him gently, "nothing will get better if you avoid it."

"I know," Sirius said, "but can we not talk about it right now? Just being here, talking to you, it's a struggle. I don't want to go back to St. Mungo's, I don't want to leave you. Let's just leave it alone."

Surely Sirius knew best in this situation.

"Just think about it," I told him. "I don't want to see you like that again, and I think talking about it will help."

Sirius didn't say anything, so I let it drop. I felt like there were so many things I wanted to ask him, but I decided we'd done enough tonight. I didn't want to overwhelm him and I probably already had.

I wrapped my arm around him, holding him close. My beautiful broken boy was coming back to me, he was being so brave, and with every second that passed, my love for him grew. It was impossible, but it was true.


	80. Never Doubt That

**Never Doubt That**

I woke up and Sirius was still snuggled in my arms. I didn't want to leave him, but I knew we'd need food and McGonagall's permission for me to stay with him, so I carefully pulled out of his arms and put Padfoot in my place. Sirius buried his nose in Padfoot's black fur and I smiled.

McGonagall was waiting for me in the living quarters.

"How is he?" she asked.

"Good," I said, sitting down across from her, "he's talking now, moving around some. We talked a little about what's going on, but there's much more to be discussed. He really doesn't want to go back to St. Mungo's, so he's trying."

McGonagall nodded her head. "What can I do?" she said.

"Is it alright if I spend the day with him?" I asked. "I mean, I can easliy catch up on any work I miss."

"Don't worry about it," McGonagall said, "I know how important this is for you to willingly not attend classes. It's fine, I'll let all the professors know that you're not feeling well."

"Thank you," I said, "can you let James know that Sirius is doing better and that he'll be able to see him soon? Just reassure him."

"I can do that," McGonagall said, "anything else?"

"One more thing," I said, "how do I get a house elf to come here?"

"You just call them," McGonagall said, "do you know their name?" I nodded my head. "Then say it with conviction."

Okay, that sounded easy enough.

"Buttons," I called out and a moment later the house elf Sirius had befriended appeared right in front of me.

"Mr. Black's friend," Buttons said, smiling at me.

McGonagall looked at me oddly.

"Hello, Buttons," I said, "can you do me a favor? It's for Sirius. Do you know his favorite breakfast food?"

"Yes, Sir. I know everything Mr. Black likes."

"Do you think you can make up a plate for him and bring it here?" I asked.

"Yes, Sir."

"Just knock on that door there," I pointed to it, "and leave the food on the floor."

"Of course, Sir."

"Buttons," McGonagall said, "can you please bring a plate for Mr. Lupin too?"

"Of course, Mistress."

"And best to keep this between us," McGonagall said.

"Of course, Mistress, Buttons likes Mr. Black, he's so kind, I would never do anything that might get him in trouble."

It still amazed me that Sirius had made such a deep connection to this house elf, it went against everything in his family's nature and I could see that McGonagall shared my amazement.

Buttons left and McGonagall wouldn't stop looking at me.

"He really isn't like the rest of his family, is he?" McGonagall asked.

"No," I said, "but his mind is influenced by them and it might always be, he tries so hard to not be like them though."

McGonagall nodded her head, standing up. "I need to get ready for class," she said. "If you need me at all today, just create a bang with your wand and I'll come and check on you. For anything, Remus," her eyes drilled into mine, "please, I want to help too."

"I will," I promised her.

"You better get back to him," McGonagall smiled at me, "I bet he misses you."

Having McGonagall on our side is something I never imagined, but I was enjoying it so much. She really cared for Sirius and that was good to see. Maybe McGonagall was to Sirius, what Irma was to me; a friend.

Sirius was still holding onto Padfoot, but his eyes were wide open.

"Hey," I said, coming over and sitting on the bed.

His hair was in his face again, like always, but now, I wasn't afraid to push it back, and I'd happily do it for the rest of our lives. I smiled so widely, I couldn't help it.

"What?" Sirius asked and I could tell he was feeling self-conscious.

"I'm just thinking about the future," I said, "about how I get to love you until we're old and senile."

Sirius went silent. Oh no.

"Unless you don't want that," I stammered, "I don't want to force anything on you. This is so presumptuous of me, of course you wouldn't want to be stuck with me for life, I'm a werewolf, I know that's a huge burden. It's okay, I'll just take you for as long as you'll let me."

"Remy," Sirius said softly, but strongly, "I've never thought about my future, I never thought I'd make it…" he trailed off. "But, if you can put up with my bullshit and my fucked-up mind," he smiled sadly, "then I'll be here," he rested his hand over my heart, "always."

I couldn't help it, this was all so overwhelming, it had been a long couple of weeks, a long couple of years. The tears fell and I pulled Padfoot away from Sirius, so I could take his place. Sirius wrapped his arms around me tightly.

"I love you, Remy," he said, "never doubt that."

"I won't," I told him. "I love you too, Russ."


	81. Back in the Dorms

**Back in the Dorms**

"Are you sure it's today?" James asked.

"Shush," I said, looking sideways at Flitwick, but he wasn't focused on us, "and yeah, that's what McGonagall said."

"But what time today?" James asked.

"I don't know," I said, "why don't you wait for him in Gryffindor Tower."

"Will you come with me?" James asked.

"Why?"

"I don't know," James said, "I just, I haven't seen him for a couple of weeks and…" he trailed off.

James was worried, he hardly ever got worried, him crashing Flitwick's club now made sense.

"You can wait here if you want," I told him, "as long as Flitwick doesn't mind."

"Thanks, Remus." James leaned back in his chair and put his feet up on the desk behind me.

I looked at Nix to make sure he was okay with this, but he was busy working on today's problem. I shifted closer to him so I could see where he was up to.

"That's wrong," I said, pointing to the first part.

"Are you sure?" Nix asked, frowning as he re-read it.

"Yeah," I said, "werewolves aren't allergic to silver."

"You're talking about werewolves?" James asked, his feet slipping off the desk as he leaned towards us.

"Yeah," Nix said, "today's problem is, what's the most effective way to capture a werewolf during the full moon without killing it."

"Interesting," James said, "Remus, what would you do?"

Of course.

"M-me?" I stuttered. "Umm, well, not use silver."

Why was James putting me in this position? Why had Flitwick put me in this position?

"You know what I'd do," James said, "trick it."

"Okay," Nix said, "and how would you do that?"

James put his feet back on the desk. "Many ways," he said, "but I'm not telling you."

"You want me to tell Flitwick that you're hiding back here?" Nix asked. "If you have many ways to capture a werewolf then you won't mind giving us one of them, unless you don't have any at all."

James' eyes met mine and I hoped he wouldn't say something stupid.

"Okay," James said, "I'll give you one, but which one, hmm."

I tried to warn James off with my eyes, there was one good reason I was letting Nix work this one out on his own.

"I'd ask Remus," James finally said and I wasn't happy.

"That's your great plan?" Nix asked.

"Yep," James said, "Remus knows everything."

Nix turned to me and I hated it.

"It's all up to you now," Nix said, "how would you capture a werewolf, Remus?"

"I wouldn't," I answered honestly, yet evasively.

"That may be the smart answer," Nix said, "but it won't be the answer Flitwick's looking for, come on, Remus, we almost always win these things."

"Fine," I said, "I'd use a tranquilizer dart."

"Would that even work on a werewolf?" James asked. "From what I've heard they have extra defenses on their skin like giants."

"I don't know if it'd work," I said, "but at least you don't need to be near the werewolf to use it."

Why were we talking about this? It made my head ache, I didn't like thinking about how to capture a werewolf, what if someone caught me?

"It's simple," Nix said, "I'll give you that, but it could be too simple. Excuse me," Nix called out, "Professor Flitwick."

"Yes," Flitwick said.

"Can we use a tranquilizer dart as our answer?" Nix asked.

Flitwick looked at me for a moment before answering. "No," he said, "it has to involve magic."

"But, what if we created the potion ourselves?" I asked. "Then the tranquilizer would involve magic."

"I'm sorry," Flitwick said, "but that's not what I'm looking for." His eyes landed on James. "Mr. Potter," he said, "I don't remember asking you to join my club."

"Umm, no, Sir," James said, "Remus asked me to come, you know, for support."

"Is this true, Mr. Lupin?" Flitwick asked.

I couldn't lie. "No, Sir."

"Very well, please leave, Mr. Potter."

"Okay," James stood up, "but if I leave then Remus is coming with me."

Flitwick looked at me.

"Unless," James said to me, "you'd rather stay here and talk about..." he made a show of leaning forward to read Nix's parchment, "werewolves."

Right, werewolves. I didn't want to stay here and discuss capturing myself, plus, James needed me.

"James is right," I stood up, "he needs me, sorry."

"You can't go," Flitwick said, "you haven't answered the question correctly."

I wasn't a Ravenclaw, so that shouldn't apply to me, but I knew I had the right answer all along.

"How do you capture a werewolf?" Flitwick asked me.

"You don't," I said, daring him to correct me.

Flitwick smiled. "That's the answer I was after," he said, "everyone, listen up, Mr. Lupin has the correct answer."

"Let's get out of here," James said, pulling me away.

I said goodbye to Nix as James dragged me out of the classroom.

"What's his deal?" James asked. "He knows about you and he asked that question, and then he forces you to answer, and what about what he just said, did he really think your answer was correct or was he just saying that?"

"Who knows," I said, "I stopped trying to figure out Flitwick a long time ago, but I'm sure his reasons are harmless. Let's see if Sirius is back yet."

"Sirius, right," James said, his face falling.

"He's fine," I told James, "basically back to normal."

"Basically," James said, "what does that even mean?"

"He still has some stuff to deal with," I said, "but you know Sirius, he won't let anyone see that, so he'll seem normal to you."

"But he's not normal?" James asked.

"He's fine," I repeated, "you'll see soon enough and you need to make sure you don't say the wrong thing like you just did, what was up with you telling Nix that I had the answer to the werewolf problem?"

"Well," James said, "you do know, and even if it wasn't about werewolves I still would've came to you. That's my go-to plan with anything I don't understand."

"You need to be more proactive," I told him.

"Why?" James said. "I've got you for that."

I let the matter drop. We were only in the beginning of our third year, so James still had time to learn that lesson.

I said the password and the fat lady opened up. James started dragging his feet.

"Do you want me to go up first?" I asked. "I can see if he's back yet or not."

"No," James said, "I can do this, it's just Sirius."

"You'll be fine," I told him.

We walked upstairs and James let me enter the dorm first. Sirius was back, sitting on his bed, facing mine. I smiled, but it soon fell when I saw that Peter was in the room too.

"Everyone knows you were at St. Mungo's," Peter said, "what we don't know is why. I asked my parents, but they didn't know. My mom even contacted your mom, she told my mom that I was crazy, I'm not crazy. Why wouldn't your parents know that you were at St. Mungo's?"

"Peter, mate," James said, going over to him and leading him from the room, "did I tell you about what happened in the hallway today?"

I smiled, James had been so worried, but when it came down to it, he knew exactly what to do to help Sirius.

I sat on my bed, facing Sirius.

"Where were you?" Sirius asked softly.

"Flitwick's club," I said.

"And James was with you?"

"Yeah."

"Why?" Sirius asked.

"He, umm..." I trailed, not wanting to lie.

"I was scared," James said as he came back into the room without Peter and sat next to me on my bed. "Remus has been keeping me updated on you and, I just... I didn't know how you'd be, so I thought it'd be better if I came in with Remus. I'm sorry we left you with Peter."

"It's okay," Sirius said, "I don't listen to anything he says."

"But what about what he just said, about how his mom told your mom," James said, "aren't you worried about that?"

"As long as I'm here," Sirius shrugged, "there's nothing she can do to me."

"But what about summer?" James asked and I elbowed him in the ribs. "Sorry."

"No, it's okay," Sirius said, "I have a little over six months until the summer, so I'm trying not to focus on it. I… There are some things I need to deal with right now, so that's what I'm working on."

"You are?" I asked, hope lacing my voice.

"Yeah," Sirius said, not meeting our eyes.

"With who?" I pressed. "McGonagall?"

"No," Sirius said, "Irma came and saw me, she… She's easy to talk to, I don't know."

"I think that's great," I was so glad Sirius had found someone to talk to, "she's helped me several times."

"You don't mind then?" Sirius asked, looking at me.

"Of course not," I said, "she may be my friend, but that doesn't mean she's mine. I'm glad you have someone, Russ."

"You're being quiet," Sirius said to James.

"I'm just happy you're back," James said, "I missed you."

"Same," Sirius said.

A small silence enveloped us.

"I'm tired," Sirius said, "I think I'm going to get some sleep."

"Of course," James said, standing up, "I'm going to have a shower, give you two some privacy. Peter will be gone for a bit too."

James left and Sirius seemed to relax a little.

"Are you excited to be sleeping in your own bed again?" I asked him, trying to keep it light.

"I feel overwhelmed," Sirius said and his honesty shocked me. He was always so careful to keep his thoughts and feelings close to his chest.

"Is there anything I can do?" I asked. "Do you want me to get Irma, or take you to see her?"

"No," Sirius said, "I just want to get some sleep… alone," he added.

He wanted to sleep alone? We'd been sharing a bed for the past two weeks and I wasn't sure I could go back to the way things were.

"If things were different," Sirius said, "if we were somewhere else, alone, then I'd be with you, you know that, right? But we've gotta play the part, especially in here. Peter's already shown his cards, he can get to my mother and we can't allow her to find out about us, trust me on that. So, we can't do anything until we know we can trust Peter. James trusts him, so I know it's possible, but I'm not there yet."

Neither was I.

"It's okay," I said, "but you take Padfoot, just in case you need someone to hold onto."

"I'm not the one who needs someone," Sirius said, "you need him more than I do."

He was probably right.

"But you'll be all alone," I said. I didn't like that idea at all.

"No, I won't," Sirius told me, "I know it's hard for you to understand, but…" he trailed off, his eyes never leaving mine, then he glanced behind him before looking back at me, "knowing that you love me," he whispered, "that's more than enough for me. Plus, you're right here," Sirius lifted his leg and easily placed it next to me, that's how close our beds were, "that's all I need."

"But if we were alone?" I asked.

"And away from here," Sirius added. "Then you'd be in my arms, where you belong."

Where I belonged, I liked the sound of that, but why couldn't we be alone and away from here right now?

"We'll get there," Sirius said, smiling slightly, "we have forever, remember."

Right, I returned his smile, forever.


	82. Tree Talks

**Tree Talks**

I looked up from my book and saw Sirius down the long hallway heading my way. Things had been going good, Sirius was settling in and coming back to us, and he seemed to be seeing Irma when he needed to. It was all good, but I missed him so much.

"Hey," I called out when he was close enough. Sirius didn't even look up, he just walked straight past me. "Sirius," I said instead.

Sirius' head whipped around and he stopped, coming over to me.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"You think you can meet me in your tree?" I really wanted some time with him away from everyone else.

"Why?" Sirius asked.

"Just… You know," I said, trying to find the right words, "I miss you."

"I'm right here," Sirius said.

"No, umm, you know," I glanced around us, but no one was paying us any attention, "I want to kiss you," I said, feeling my face heat up. "Having you back but not being able to touch you is torture."

"Oh," Sirius said.

I couldn't decipher where his head was at. What if he didn't want to kiss me? Should I retract my statement? No, I needed to stay strong. I waited patiently.

"Okay," Sirius said, "but can it be in half an hour? I was just heading to see Irma."

"Of course," I told him, "take as long as you need, I'll wait for you in the tree."

Sirius nodded his head and then he walked away. I watched him. Having him back was hard at times, part of me wanted him to be who he once was, but another part of me was glad he was working through some things. I just wished we could be together, that we didn't have to play the part, that Sirius would open up to me more. I don't know. I turned around and headed for the tree.

I easily climbed up the Whomping Willow and sat in the hollow where the branches met. I knew I'd be waiting a while for Sirius, but I didn't mind, I had my book with me. I cracked it open and worked on my impatience as I waited.

I did well for forty minutes, but Sirius still wasn't here and I was sick of reading. I sat with my chin on my arm, looking out towards the castle, just waiting for him to come. I know I told him to take as long as he needed, but I wanted him so badly. I sighed and sat back down, patience, I needed to be patient. Sirius would come, when he was ready.

Sirius eventually climbed up the tree, I'd lost track of the time, but it couldn't be any longer than an hour. Sirius didn't offer an apology, he just sat down across from me. I wanted to be patient again, but there was one question I needed answered.

"Are you okay with being gay?" I asked.

"What?" Sirius said.

"It's just, your mind broke after we kissed, so… I wasn't sure."

Sirius pulled his knees up and rested his arms on them casually.

"I've known I was gay since forever," Sirius told me. "You remember how I told you about my first kiss, with the Muggle?" I nodded my head. "His name was Johnny," Sirius said, "I think that's why my mother overreacted so much, not only was I kissing a Muggle, but a boy too. I don't know."

Sirius had known he was gay for that long? But if that was the case...

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked. "You knew you liked me, but you never said anything."

"You weren't ready," Sirius said simply. "Think about the first time we met. It wasn't instant for you, you hadn't even accepted that you were attracted to boys yet. I had to wait until you were ready. ...When did you accept that you were gay?" Sirius asked.

When had I accepted it?

"I don't know," I said, "it kind of just happened, over time, but it was probably sometime around when I told James and Peter."

"Do you see why I waited?" Sirius asked.

I did. If he had told me before I was ready, I would've been spooked and maybe I never would've fallen in love with him.

"I still don't understand why you kissed me," I said, "you clearly weren't ready if your mind broke straight afterwards."

"You're probably right," Sirius said. "I… It was my birthday and all I wanted was to kiss you again, so when the second years invaded our dorm and we had to share a bed, I saw it as my opportunity. I don't regret it, far from it, kissing you made me feel whole. I woke up early that morning and you were asleep in my arms, head on my chest, mouth slightly open, drooling on me."

Oh Merlin.

"It was the perfect moment," Sirius said, "it was what I wanted my life to be; forever. I always knew I loved you and there was a point where I knew you felt the same way about me, but I didn't really think about it as being something that would happen and I never thought about it being our future. Everything just kind of hit me at once, and then, my mother took over."

"When she caught me kissing Johnny," Sirius continued, "she said the most vile things about me. It was worse than the things she usually said, there was an added layer of hatred there. She… She started calling me a dirty fag, and a blood traitor. She… Umm… She spent months trying to change who I was. I lied, of course, told her that Johnny was the one who kissed me, but she could always tell when I was lying."

"There came a time," Sirius said, "where it all stopped. I don't know what changed, I didn't really care, but the things she said, they always stuck with me. I knew they weren't true, but that didn't matter. If you hear something enough times, it's just always there in the back of your mind. Irma and I have been discussing it, but we haven't come up with anything concrete, but know this, nothing you did, or didn't do, Remy, contributed to my mind breaking."

"So, you have nothing against us kissing again?" I asked.

"No," Sirius said, "aside from the obvious."

"But we're alone now," I told him.

"That we are," Sirius said, but he didn't make a move to kiss me.

"I want to give you something," I said, moving to sit beside Sirius. I dug into my pocket and grabbed the photograph, handing it to him.

"What's this?" Sirius asked, looking closely at the photograph.

It was the photo of Sirius and me sleeping together.

"It's us," I said, "James' mother took it last summer."

"You're giving it to me?" Sirius asked. "Why?"

"When I got it, it reminded me to fight for you," I told him, "but now that I have you, I don't really need it. I thought maybe it could help you."

"Thanks," Sirius said, putting it in his pocket.

I wondered why he was being so tight-lipped, but I didn't push him on it.

"Do you think we can kiss now?" I asked.

Sirius smiled. "And why do you want to kiss me?"

"Do I need a reason?" I asked. Why was this so hard? Shouldn't it be effortless?

"Yep," Sirius said, "give me one good reason."

One good reason? Maybe he didn't want to kiss me... No, enough of this, I didn't need to ask for permission. I grabbed Sirius' face and pulled him towards me. I was sick of waiting, I wanted to kiss him, so I was going to kiss him. I kept the kiss closed mouth, giving Sirius enough time to pull away, but he never did.

Sirius' hand came to my hip and he pulled me until I was straddling his hips. I stayed kneeling above him as my other hand went to his neck. I enjoyed kissing Sirius, I had missed this added closeness. Sirius' other hand came to my hip and he pulled me down so I was resting on his lap. I sighed, this is what I wanted and I had gone after it. I didn't need to ask permission, if Sirius didn't want to kiss me, he'd pull away, but he hadn't.

I smiled and sucked Sirius' bottom lip into my mouth, nibbling it gently. Sirius pulled back and I let his lip go.

"What are you doing to me?" he asked, his eyes dark.

"Why? Don't you like it?"

"No, I like it," Sirius said, "I'm just wondering where you learned it, you haven't been kissing Nix, have you?"

"N-no," I stuttered, "Nix just sometimes says some stuff. He's not giving me tips or anything, he just likes talking about his conquests, that's all. I can't help but overhear, you know I'm a quick learner."

"Get back here and do it again," Sirius said, pulling me forward.

That was fine by me.


	83. Peter Pettigrew

**Peter Pettigrew**

"He can't be that bad," Sirius whispered.

We were in our dorm, sitting on our beds, facing each other.

"I mean," Sirius continued, "James likes him, so…"

We were talking about Peter. Sirius thought we should get to know him better, become his friend, so that when he inevitably found out about us, we could convince him not to tell anyone. It was a good plan, in theory, but I still hadn't forgiven him for taking Sirius' chocolate from me. Once a rat, always a rat.

"It's the only way," Sirius said, "this is our dorm, we can't be expected to hide for four more years."

"I don't want to be his friend," I told Sirius. I'd never felt connected to Peter, he wasn't with us on the train, he wasn't part of our unbreakable vow, I didn't want any more friends.

"Remy," Sirius said, "we need this. Four years is a long time, you need to let the past go."

"I'm not going to forgive him," I said. Holding grudges was one thing the wolf was good at.

"You don't have to forgive him," Sirius said, "you just have to play the part, and the part in this case is to be his friend."

"I don't know how to be a friend," I said, "I thought we were friends, but we're clearly not."

"You're friends with James," Sirius said, "just use how you act with James with Peter."

"So, I tell him everything?" I questioned.

Sirius sighed. "Why are you fighting this? Don't you want to kiss me right now in our dorm?"

"Of course."

"Well, we can't do that until we can trust Peter. Just give it a try. How about we go find him and say hi?"

I didn't want to, but Sirius was pushing hard for this and he never did that unless it was important.

"Just say hi," Sirius said, "you can do it. I'll run the conversation, you can just stand there, but this is important."

"Okay," I said. I still wasn't sure about this, but I'd do it for Sirius.

Sirius was right, we couldn't hide for four years. Sirius stood up and I followed him. Peter wasn't far away, he was sitting in the common room with James. Sirius and I joined them at the table.

"Hey," James said.

"Hi," I replied, but Sirius elbowed me. Right. "Hi, Peter."

Peter's eyes met mine and he looked confused yet fearful.

"Hi," he squeaked back.

I leaned closer to Sirius and crossed my arms against my chest, I'd done my part.

"So, what are you working on?" Sirius asked.

"Peter's got a plan," James said, "tell them about it."

"But… I…" Peter faltered.

"Just give it here," Sirius said, grabbing the piece of parchment off Peter. "Hmm," he said, reading it over, "and where are you getting these fireworks from?"

"Zonko's," Peter said, "we're going this weekend."

Hogsmeade, right. My parents hadn't signed my permission slip, I wasn't sure why, it's not like I'd be there during a wolf transformation. Sirius' parents hadn't signed his either, but he just forged their signature. He never went though, not before his brain broke, he always said he'd stay with me.

"We want in," Sirius said, "right, Remus?"

"Umm, yeah, sure."

"He's just going to tell on us," Peter said, looking at me with a slight glare.

"No, he won't," Sirius said.

"Well, he can't come to Hogsmeade," Peter said, "he doesn't have permission."

"Leave that to me," Sirius said.

James' eyes went wide. "You're not taking my you-know-what out of the castle."

"I don't need that," Sirius said, "there's another way."

Another way? He wasn't talking about the shack, was he?

"I'm not going through that haunted place," I said, my eyes drilling into Sirius'. It was bad enough that I had to go there once a month.

"Oh, for fucks sake," Sirius said, "there's a tunnel that leads from inside the castle to the cellar of Honeydukes."

"What?" James exclaimed. "How have you not shared this information with us before?"

"Didn't know if I could trust you," Sirius said, looking at both James and Peter, "so, don't make me regret it."

"We won't," James said, "will we, Pete?"

"No," Peter said.

"How about we go now?" I suggested. "No need to wait for the weekend if Sirius has a secret way to Hogsmeade."

"What do you think?" James asked.

"I'm in," Peter said, "as long as we don't get caught."

"Sirius?" James asked.

"Fine by me."

James stood up. "Then let's go."

We left the Tower and Sirius led the way.

"So," James said, "how did you find out about this tunnel?"

Sirius looked sideways at me and I shrugged, the map was his idea, so if he wanted to share it that was up to him.

"I found it when I was creating a map of Hogwarts," Sirius said. "...Can you see how much trust I'm putting in all of you?"

"We won't betray you," James said.

"Yeah," Peter agreed, "not if you keep telling us things like this. What's the deal with the map though?"

"It's just a little project I've been working on," Sirius said, "I thought we could use it to help us get around the castle without getting caught."

"Can we see it?" James asked.

"Maybe later," Sirius answered.

He was so good at this, playing the part. I was just staying silent, so I didn't say anything stupid, and so I didn't snap at Peter. We made it to the tunnel entrance and Sirius stopped us.

"Hold on tight," he said, "you have to slide down."

"Sweet," James said, not hesitating. "Whoo," he called out on the way down.

"I'm not sure," Peter said, "is it safe?"

"Hurry up," James yelled.

"Go on," Sirius said, "you'll be fine."

Peter hesitantly stepped into the tunnel and proceeded to lose his footing and slip down. I couldn't help but laugh.

Sirius' eyes met mine and I stopped laughing. "You need to be nicer," Sirius told me.

"I'm not doing anything."

"Exactly," Sirius said. "Let's go down together, I'll hold your hand."

I smiled. Sirius grabbed my hand tightly and we stepped into the tunnel, sliding down. I clutched at Sirius' hand tightly and he let go right before we hit the bottom.

"I can't believe there's really a tunnel," Peter said, "and it leads right to Honeydukes?"

"Yep," Sirius said.

"Sweet."

Sirius pushed forward and led the way. I hung back, but Sirius' words kept ringing in my head, about how I wasn't being nice. I guess not talking to Peter was a bad thing, I was ignoring him and no one liked to be ignored. Then again, I had no idea what to say. I was the one who suggested that we go to Zonko's now. I decided to forget it.

We made it to Honeydukes and Sirius went first, lifting the trapdoor. This reminded me too much of the shack, so I hung back. When the coast was clear, Sirius climbed up and helped pull us all out of the tunnel. I did enjoy holding his hand again, even if it was for the briefest of moments.

"Now what?" James asked.

"We go to Zonko's," Sirius said, heading for the backdoor.

"Wait," I said, "let's leave our cloaks in the tunnel, we can't exactly walk around in our uniforms."

Thankfully, we were all wearing some form of casual clothes underneath. We put everything in the tunnel and left out the back door.

"Just don't draw attention to yourself," Sirius warned, "we don't know if there's any teachers around. We just need to go to Zonko's, grab the fireworks, and leave."

"Yes, Sir," James mocked.

"Do you want to get detention?" I asked.

"What's one more?" James shrugged.

Sirius swiftly led us to Zonko's and I still stayed back.

"You okay?" James asked me.

"Yeah."

"Are you sure? You're breaking about a million rules right now." James wrapped his arm around my shoulders. "Is there something else wrong? You know you can talk to me, right?"

"I don't trust Peter," I whispered, "but Sirius said we need to be his friend, but I don't know if I can do that."

"He's not bad, you know," James said, "he's just like us, the Hat put him in Gryffindor."

That didn't mean much to me, I didn't trust the Sorting Hat at all.

James laughed. "You need to stop thinking so much and just let things happen."

"But what if he finds out my secret?" I said. "He'll tell everyone, I have no doubt about that."

"He might," James said, "but if you actually get to know him and become friends then that risk will lessen. Friends don't betray each other, there's too much history there. Take me, I tell my parents everything and I mean everything. I told them about you and Sirius basically from day one. I could see your bond, I knew what it was, but then there's boundaries. I haven't told them anything about what you really are. They'd be fine with it, supportive even, but it's not my secret to tell, and Pete will understand that when your bond grows. But as for right now, I wouldn't tell him anything. Just trust your gut, Remus."

"Thanks, James." I really liked how James thought, it was different from Sirius which helped me understand it in a better light. He was right, if I formed a connection to Peter then he'd be less likely to say anything, he wouldn't want to risk our friendship, but could I really do it when I didn't trust him? There was just something about him that didn't sit right with me. I guess I'd just have to do what Sirius said and play the part.

"You're thinking too much again," James said.

"Sorry, I can't help it."

James ruffled my hair before running ahead to join Peter and Sirius. I continued to hang back knowing that I wasn't ready to play the part with Peter yet, but hoping that with time I would be.


	84. This Was Me

**This Was Me**

"Hey," Sirius said after our Transfiguration class, "do you think you could come and see Irma with me?"

Sirius had been seeing her as often as he needed, but I never asked about it. Why did he want me to come?

"Okay," I said.

Sirius smiled. "Thanks, Remy. Do you have time now?" he asked. "Or we can go some other time."

"Now's fine." I'd rather find out whatever this was sooner than later.

Sirius seemed to relax. What was going on? If he needed to tell me something then why did he need to do it in front of Irma? I tried calming my mind down, I needed to stop thinking so much like James had suggested. I would find out soon enough.

It was so odd seeing Sirius walk confidently into the library and knock on Irma's office door, he still didn't care what anyone thought about him and it was something I envied. I was always so worried about everything, but not Sirius.

Irma opened her office door and smiled so widely when she saw Sirius, it was mesmerizing. It was hard to believe there was a time where they hated each other, but I had been there, I had seen it. I wondered what changed.

"Why aren't you talking?" Irma asked me as we all sat down.

"He's been doing that a lot lately," Sirius said, frowning.

Had I? I knew I'd been silent around Peter as it was easier for me to deal with him that way. I was hanging out with him more, but I was giving him nothing. Sirius kept telling me that it was making things worse, but I didn't care.

"I think he's trying to work out who he is," Sirius supplied. "At the start of the year he was very cocky, kind of like me, and now he's reserved."

Was I doing that? Trying to figure out the man I would become?

"I've only ever seen him like this once before," Irma said, "it was when he tried to run away. …Are you going to say anything?" she asked me.

I shrugged, couldn't they just tell me why I was here?

Irma shared a look with Sirius and he shook his head no before he shifted so he was facing me.

"I wanted to let you know that I'm doing better," Sirius said, "Irma and I have been making great progress. I asked you here because you were with me through it all and I know you must have questions. I want to answer them, if I can."

Sirius had never been this open with me. Of course I had questions, I always had questions, but why was Irma here? Sirius trusted her, but couldn't we do this alone? I sighed, deciding it didn't matter.

"Are you sure nothing I did or said caused your breakdown?" I asked. I know he said it wasn't because of me, but I couldn't shake that maybe I played a small role. He did break right after I kissed him, right after I found him in McGonagall's quarters.

"You were the catalyst," Sirius said, I knew it had something to do with me, "but it wasn't anything you did, it was my mother's influence on my mind. She had warned me what would happen if I kissed a boy, if I fell in love with one. She… She wasn't going to kill me if it happened, she… she said she was going to wipe my mind, change my appearance and then sell me off to the highest bidder."

She had said that to him? I saw red.

It seemed impossible, but my hatred continued to grow for that woman. I wondered how I could get Moony and her in the same room. I'd let him kill her, I wouldn't even think twice about it. Sirius would never be free until she was dead.

"What are you thinking?" Sirius asked.

I could feel myself shaking in anger. It was almost the full moon, could I kill her soon?

"Remus," Irma said, "please use your words."

I snapped out of my angered thoughts. I couldn't tell them the truth, so I scrambled to find something else. I found it and I latched onto it.

"Why did you remember me trying to curse Peter when your mind was broken?" I asked him.

Dumbledore was right, there had to be a reason Sirius thought of that memory when he thought of nothing else.

"I always thought you were too good for me," Sirius said, "that I would taint your goodness. Seeing you so angry, so vengeful, it reminded me of myself. I couldn't taint you if you already had these qualities. When I found out you were a werewolf it opened up so many possibilities, but you were still the same person. The wolf is different from you, you've told me that, but I haven't seen it. So, that's why I chose it, it calms me, you have a dark side and I like that. ...I don't know, it's hard to explain right."

Sirius didn't think he deserved someone good and nice. He liked that I had a bad side, it calmed him. I could see his reasoning, but I hated it because I didn't like being known as bad, I wanted to be good.

"I'm not bad," I whispered, "only Moony is."

"You're him," Sirius said, "when will you accept that?"

Never.

I stood up, this was too much to process. "I'm going to go," I said.

No one protested, so I left.

* * *

 **Moony's POV**

I was back. The first thing I did was go to the window to howl at the moon.

I cocked my head to the side when I got there. Gray eyes stared back at me.

Russ rested his hand on the window. "I'm here," he said.

I whined. He may be here, but he wasn't with me.

"Do you want to kill me?" he asked.

Did I? I didn't know. I couldn't smell him, he wasn't threatening me, he wasn't running. What did I want? I knew I wanted to be closer to him, but then what?

I had always been locked up. I knew I desired to hunt and kill, but I had never experienced it. The only time I came close was with the little ball of feathers; Rensen.

There was another desire running stronger through me right now and I mewed, trying to get closer to the window.

Russ disappeared and then I howled. Where did he go? Why did he go? I searched out the window, trying to find him.

I felt a breeze and I spun around to see him shutting the door. He was in the room. I watched him. Was this another reward from the boy?

His scent surrounded me and it sparked something deep inside of me. This was the same sweet scent as the jacket, but it was so much stronger and it went straight to my head.

I saw red. There was only one thing I wanted, I wanted him.

I ran full speed at him, but the barriers kept me away. I didn't stop, I kept ramming my body against the barriers, snapping and snarling, as he just stood there, taunting me.

I hit the barrier so hard that it knocked me off balance and I fell to the floor, whimpering.

My eyes met the boy's. He was just staring at me, still taunting me. I got up and rammed the barrier again, it wouldn't give. This wasn't like the chains I broke free from. This was impossible.

My emotions overtook me. I could feel something pulsing against my chest, I could feel something trying to calm me down, but I pushed it away. I didn't want to be calm.

I couldn't get to the boy, so I did the only thing I could control. I started scratching myself as I looked at the boy.

Our eyes were locked. It wasn't enough, I needed more. I brought my arm up to my mouth and bit down hard. I howled in pain. I had never bitten myself before and it felt so good.

I did it again, over and over. Both arms, so many bites. This was me, pain was me.

The boy's gray eyes were wide and I smiled as I snapped and snarled at him. This was me.

I bit down hard and instead of releasing myself, I ripped my mouth away, pulling fur and skin with it.

The boy stumbled out the door, taking his scent with him.

With him gone, a wave of calm overtook me.

I was in pain, I was bleeding, but I relished in it. This was me.


	85. I Didn't Care

**I Didn't Care**

I woke up stiff and sore, but it was more than that. There was a fog around my mind, but it was different from usual. I sat up against the stairs. My arms were dripping with blood, but I didn't care. I didn't remember what happened last night, but I didn't care. There were bite marks all over my arms, but I didn't care. I just didn't care.

I stayed against the stairs and just sat there. The brain fog didn't clear up and I wasn't sure what that meant.

Poppy came and she gasped when she saw me, I didn't care. She came over, grabbing my arms, looking at them. Then she went over to the corner and picked up my clothes and wand. She wrapped the cloak around me and then apparated us to the hospital wing. It had to be bad if she'd done that, I still didn't care.

Poppy got straight to work the moment I was on one of the many hospital beds. The bite marks stung as she tried to heal them. There was a particularly bad one on my left bicep, a huge chunk of skin was missing, maybe muscle too. I wasn't sure. I didn't care. It took longer to heal and hurt more, but I didn't make a sound. When she was done, she bandaged up my arms.

"Can I get you a potion for the pain?" she asked.

"I'm not staying here," I said.

I stood up and pulled my underwear and pants on. I didn't worry about my shirt, I just pulled the cloak on, securing it tightly.

"You can't leave," she said.

"I can do whatever I want," I told her.

I gathered all my things and left. I wasn't going to spend any unnecessary time in the hospital wing. Poppy had done her healing, I was free to go. She didn't say anything and I didn't stop.

Classes had already started, but I didn't care. I made my way to Gryffindor Tower. My dorm was empty. I dropped my things onto my bed and pulled off my cloak. I was now shirtless except for my full-length bandaged arms. There was something I needed, I didn't own it, but Sirius did.

I went over to his clothes and searched until I found it. I pulled on Sirius' black singlet and sat on my bed against the headboard. I found I wasn't tired which was strange because I had hurt myself. The brain fog was still there, it made my mind feel heavy, but not sleepy.

I grabbed a book off my nightstand and started reading it. I didn't get far before I stopped. I felt restless, there was someone I wanted to see. I stood up, pulling off my pants and replacing them with a pair of dark jeans; I think they used to be Sirius' before he outgrew them.

I left Gryffindor Tower, searching for who I wanted most right now. I found them in the library. Someone was talking to me, but I ignored them. There was only one person here worth my time. I stopped in front of them and they looked at me with a smile.

"What do you want?" Nix asked.

"Let's do something fun," I said.

"I'm down." Nix gathered his books and then said goodbye to his friends. "So, what did you have in mind?" he asked.

"How about the Forbidden Forest?" I suggested.

Nix stopped. "What's going on with you?" he asked. "Why are you wearing this outfit? What happened to your arms?"

"Potions accident," I lied and Nix didn't question it.

"Where's Sirius?" he asked. "How about we go and find him?"

"No, thanks."

Nix frowned. "What's going on?"

"Nothing."

"Remus, it must be something," Nix said, "this isn't you."

But it was me.

"I really think we should find Sirius," he said, "or McGonagall."

I walked away. I didn't need them, I didn't need anyone.

"Wait up," Nix said, rejoining me. "Okay," he said, "let's do something fun."

Finally.

"But not the Forbidden Forest," he said, "let's do something else."

"Fine," I said, "Hogsmeade then."

"Why?" Nix asked. "Why do you want to do something fun with me?"

"You're my friend."

"Okay, but why?" he asked.

Did it even matter?

"Forget about it," I said, pushing past him.

Nix didn't stop me this time and I didn't care. You couldn't rely on anyone. Where was Rensen? Probably hiding in Sirius bed. I headed back to my dorm.

When I got there, I pulled Sirius' covers back, looking for Rensen. Where was he? I growled, double checking all the sheets, but he wasn't there.

"Whoa," James said and I spun to face him, "what's going on here? What happened to your arms? What did the wolf do to you?"

"His name is Moony," I gritted out, "and he did nothing."

"Umm, are you sure?" James asked. "Why aren't you sleeping, shouldn't you be sleeping?"

Why was everyone so concerned about me? No one knew anything about me, but me.

"Have you seen Sirius yet?" James asked.

"No." And I didn't want to see him.

"Oh, that's weird, I haven't seen him either."

My head shot up. James hadn't seen Sirius? ...I found I didn't care. I started searching for Rensen again. He had to be somewhere. I opened the window and whistled for him.

James threw a revealing spell at me and my bandages disappeared long enough for him to see all the bite marks on my arms before they reappeared.

"What happened?" James asked. I could tell he was trying not to stay unaffected, but why bother?

"I don't know."

"Have you tried remembering?" he asked.

No. What was the point? I didn't care, not anymore.

"Remus," James said, "what happened? Try and remember."

But I didn't want to.

"Come on," he pleaded.

I sighed and closed my eyes.

Moony was angry. Moony was ramming the wards. Moony was biting himself. Moony was ripping his skin and fur away from his arm. Moony was staring at gray eyes. Moony was trying to get gray eyes. Moony wanted to hurt gray eyes. Moony wanted to kill gray eyes.

My eyes shot open.

"What is it?" James asked.

"I'm going to kill him," I said, unable to see anything but red.

I stormed out of the dorm room. Sirius was going to pay for what he'd done to me. I would get my revenge and I didn't care if I killed him.


	86. Remus and Moony

**Remus and Moony**

 _I stormed out of the dorm room. Sirius was going to pay for what he'd done to me. I would get my revenge and I didn't care if I killed him._

I strode down the hallway. Someone got in my way and I threw a full-body bind curse at them. After that, anyone who looked at me funny got the same curse. I didn't care.

"Wh-what are you doing?" Peter asked, standing flat against the wall.

I wanted to curse him so badly, but I couldn't do it. I couldn't do anything to damage our already fragile relationship, so I just ignored him and continued on my way. I needed to find Sirius and I had a good idea about where he was hiding. It was the one place I would never willingly go to; the shack. The place where all this happened. How could Sirius be so reckless? I had warned him that he couldn't be around the wolf and what does he do?

The anger surged inside me.

Argus Filch and his cat Mrs. Norris appeared. I raised my wand, ready to curse them. James stepped in front of them, his own wand raised.

"Don't do this," he said.

I smirked and then I threw the binding curse at him. James deflected it and it surprised me. I threw a different curse, but he blocked that too. I didn't think James was this good with his wand.

"I'm going to get Professor McGonagall," Filch said, leaving, "students dueling in the hallway, what will be next?"

"Did you hear that?" James asked. "He's getting McGonagall, you don't want her to see you like this."

He didn't know what I wanted. I threw another curse at him, but he moved his body and it just narrowly missed him. Another curse, another dodge. Now that Filch wasn't behind him, James was using his athletic ability to thwart me and not his wand. I didn't care, I would get him eventually.

There was a soft laughter behind me and then it stopped. I forgot James and spun to face them. It was Lily. I raised my wand and she just stood there wide-eyed.

"Don't you dare," James yelled, "if you do this I will never forgive you."

Why couldn't he just leave me alone?

Lily got over her shock and left her friends to approach me.

"Stay away from him," James pleaded, but Lily didn't listen.

My wand was still raised. My eyes locked on hers; green on green. I was still angry, but I didn't feel as though I wanted to hurt her.

Lily stopped in front of me, eyes never wavering. She reached towards my forehead and rested her palm on it. Her hand was hot, or was I hot? She moved her hand towards my hair and then back to my forehead. Back and forth, back and forth. Her hand felt so soft, so comforting, so calming.

Her eyes didn't leave mine and I could feel my anger dissipating. My guard dropped enough that I knew all the people I had cursed would now be free.

James came over and slid my wand out of my hand, I didn't even fight him, I just wanted Lily to keep stroking my head. I closed my eyes.

 _-You need to leave me. It's over, it's all over. I would never hurt Sirius._

 _-You want this too, you like the anger, you like hurting people. Get away now, there's still time, we can get him, we can destroy him._

 _-I don't want to kill him, I love him. Stop trying to control me, you're not real, Moony leaves when the full-moon does._

 _-Then why am I here? Why am I affecting you? If I'm not Moony, then who am I?_

My face fell. This couldn't be happening, but there was no way Moony could still be lingering. But if it wasn't Moony then who was it? Something was driving me, I'd felt it, something separate from me, driven by rage. It had to be Moony, but…

"What's going on?" someone asked. I couldn't work out whether it was Lily or James.

"I don't know, but we need to keep him calm."

"Calm, why?"

"He was angry."

"So?"

There was silence. I opened my eyes. James and Lily were staring at each other.

"Do you know?" James asked.

"Do you?" Lily countered.

James nodded and so did Lily. Know what?

"I think he has calmed down enough," Lily said, "but I don't want to stop just in case. Maybe you can go and get Dumbledore, I'm assuming he knows too?"

Knows what?

"I can't."

"Why?"

"It's a long story."

"Well," Lily said, "we need to do something. McGonagall?"

"I don't know," James said, "this is too complicated, there's too much I don't understand, I don't know how to help him."

"What usually happens the day after?" Lily asked.

The day after what?

"I don't know, he usually rests."

"Maybe he hasn't yet."

"That's genius," James said, "Remus, mate." My eyes snapped to his. "Are you tired? Do you want to come to the dorm with me and lay down?"

Was I tired? I had been so angry, but now I just felt nothing. I shrugged.

"Take a step back," James told Lily, "don't stop rubbing his head, I think it's working."

Lily stepped away from me, I thought she was leaving me. I didn't want her to stop, so I stepped towards her.

"Keep going," James said, "take it slow. Filch said he was getting McGonagall, but I think we just need to get him to bed."

Lily kept stepping away from me, but I never let her get far.

We made it to our dorm and Lily sat on my bed, pulling away from me. I climbed onto the bed, following her. Lily pushed her hand down and I complied until I was lying on my back with my head in her lap. I stared up at her as she continued to stroke my head. She smiled sadly at me. She knew, but what did she know?

My eyes fluttered closed, but I forced them open. This happened a few times until I couldn't hold on any longer. I closed my eyes and fell asleep.


	87. Mama and Papa Bear

**Mama and Papa Bear**

I was still asleep, perfectly content. Someone was running their hand through my hair. I was aware, but not. It was hard to explain.

"He's burning up," Lily said.

"We need to take him to Madam Pomfrey," James said.

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not?" James asked.

"You saw how angry he was."

"So?"

"I forgot how thick you were."

"Hey."

"He's a werewolf, James, if the slightest thing happens, if the wrong person connects the dots then he will be kicked out of here. That's why I stopped him from cursing Halley on Sirius' 13th birthday. Remus deserves to be here, just like the rest of us… just like me, a muggle-born. He deserves the chance to learn and that's why I will do whatever I can to make sure he stays. Are you on board with this or not?"

"Umm," James faltered, "of course I am. So, what do we do?"

"We can't do anything until he wakes up, but he needs sleep," Lily said. "Only once he has calmed down can we take him to Madam Pomfrey and get him checked out."

"Is he in pain?" James asked. "I saw his arms, they're covered in bite marks. I don't think he's done that to himself before. Something must've happened."

"He's sleeping peacefully," Lily said, "but I think he's burning a fever. I'm not worried about it. I'm sure Madam Pomfrey healed his arms the best she could seeing as he is bandaged up and not in the hospital wing. As for what happened, I'm betting it had something to do with Sirius. Remus always becomes blind when it comes to him. Where is Sirius?"

"I haven't seen him since last night."

"Do you think… Do you think Remus attacked him?"

"No. No, he wouldn't… but Moony might. Fuck, I don't know. Surely not."

"Moony?"

"Remus' wolf is called Moony."

"You need to find Sirius," Lily said, "even if he's not involved, he needs to be here, I'm betting he can calm Remus down if he wakes up angry."

"Sirius is too good at hiding," James said, "if he doesn't want to be found, then he won't be found."

"Do you know where Remus spends his full moons?" Lily asked.

"No."

"Is there anyone who can help us? Anyone they trust?"

"Umm, maybe Irma."

"Do you mean Madam Pince?"

"I don't know, she's the school librarian."

"Okay, I don't understand this at all, but if you think she can help then you need to go and get her."

"Ah, I don't know her," James said, "you're always in the library, you go."

"I can't leave Remus, ...unless you want to sit here and rub his head."

"Umm, no thanks. …Okay, I'll go."

There was silence. The rubbing against my head never stopped.

"I think I threw McGonagall off the scent," James said, "she was asking about Remus, but I told her he hadn't left the dorm all day, I told her someone was probably pretending to be him using Polyjuice potion."

"She won't believe that obvious lie," Irma said. "Let me see him."

The rubbing stopped and I whimpered. It was back again.

"He's burning up," Lily said.

I felt an odd sensation on my arms and some gasps.

"His wounds are infected," Irma said, "he needs to go to Madam Pomfrey."

"He attacked a hallway full of students," James said, "we can't let him go if he's still angry."

"I don't think that matters," Irma said, "his health is more important. Hang on, let me try something, it's been a while."

I could feel something pushing against my mind. I was too weak to keep it out.

"He's fine," Irma declared, "not a negative thought in his mind. Move out of the way, I'll apparate him."

"I thought you couldn't apparate inside Hogwarts," Lily said.

"You can't apparate into Hogwarts, but you can do it inside the castle, but we're instructed to only use it for emergencies."

"Wait," James said, "Lily was right, we need to find Sirius."

"What's he got to do with this?" Irma asked.

"Lily thinks he's involved," James said, "and I agree."

"Leave it to me," Irma said, "I will take Remus to the hospital wing and then I'll find Sirius."

She sounded worried, but my brain was too foggy to process why.


	88. Trust Me

**Trust Me**

I awoke and I felt hot and uncomfortable. My mind was clear and I noticed that I was in the hospital wing. I didn't remember anything that happened. My arms were covered in bandages and I wondered what Moony had done this time.

"You're awake," someone said.

I turned to face them. It was Irma.

"How are you?" she asked, she seemed guarded.

"What happened?" I countered.

"What do you remember?"

Why did it seem like we were playing some kind of game here?

"Nothing," I answered honestly.

"What's the last thing you remember?" she asked.

"Sitting in the shack before the change."

Irma nodded and hummed. "Okay," she said, "as far as you're concerned, Poppy healed you, you left the hospital wing against her wishes and you went straight to your bed and stayed there until I brought you back here."

"Why?" I asked. I couldn't remember any of this. "Where's Sirius?"

"Currently," Irma said, pausing, "he's in detention."

"Why? What did he do?"

"He didn't do anything," Irma said, "you did."

"Me?" What was going on?

"I can't tell you everything," Irma said, "Sirius will have to, but yesterday morning after your change, you cursed six students in the hallway."

That couldn't be right, I would never do that, she had to be mistaken.

"Don't worry, it was only a full-body bind curse," Irma said, "everyone was fine, just shocked. James was the one who convinced Minerva that it wasn't you, but someone using the Polyjuice Potion to look like you, and then when Sirius found out, he confessed to doing it."

Sirius had protected me? I expected nothing less, that was just who he was, always putting me first. I hated that he was in detention, but I loved him for it.

"When will he be done?" I asked. I really wanted to see him and thank him.

"Soon," Irma said, and then I took in her position, she was sitting in a comfortable armchair. How long had she been here, how long was she staying for?

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"Well, I wanted to check on you," she said, "and I think it's best if I'm here when Sirius is."

What did that mean?

"How about you try and get some more sleep," Irma said, "I will wake you when he gets here and everything will be explained then."

I didn't want to, but I could tell my body and mind needed it. At least this way I'd wake up and those gray eyes I loved so much would be here.

* * *

My eyes opened and I searched for gray. I found them, but what I saw made me sit upright. Sirius was there, sitting on the end of my bed, but that's not what got my attention. His lip was split and his cheekbone and eye were bruised. What happened to him?

I leaned forward and carefully rested my hand on his battered and bruised face.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

Sirius chuckled darkly. "Don't worry about me."

"Sirius," Irma warned.

Sirius looked resigned as he pulled my hand away from his face and held it in his lap.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said. "I'm fine, thank you for your concern."

"I think it's best if you just do it quickly," Irma said and Sirius nodded.

What was going on?

"I know how you hurt your arms," Sirius said.

He did? Did I tell him?

"It was because I was in the shack with Moony."

What?

"I've been visiting him for a while now, just outside the window, but I needed to take it to the next step. He was always so calm from the outside, but when I was closer, my scent overtook him and he tried to get me. The wards held. When he realized it was impossible, he attacked you by biting your arms."

I pulled my hand from Sirius'. How could he do that?

"I left and I was so mad at myself," Sirius continued. "I went to the Hog's Head and tried to order a Firewhisky, I was denied, and then some drunk guy picked a fight with me. I was feeling so worthless that I fought back. The fight was split up and I was thrown out. I spent the night out in the cold and then once you were gone, I went to the shack."

"I'm sorry, Remy," he said. "My intention was never for Moony to attack you, I'm not sure what I was hoping to achieve. I connected with him, I know that for sure, and I thought maybe he wouldn't attack me because you love me and he would know that. It was stupid."

I couldn't help but draw comparisons to when I foolishly gave Sirius the truth serum, this was very similar. We both wanted something and thought our way was the best option, but both had consequences. Sirius had forgiven me, but not forgotten. I wasn't sure I could forgive him, Moony didn't have that quality.

"Do you both trust me?" Irma asked.

"Yes," I answered.

"No," Sirius said.

Irma looked pointedly at him.

"Fine," Sirius said, "I trust you."

"First," Irma said, "I need to heal your face."

"No," Sirius pulled back, "don't, I deserve this after what I did to Remy."

"You deserve more than that," Irma said, "and you will get it."

"Wh-what are you doing?" I asked, suddenly unsure.

"Trust me," is all Irma said.

Irma raised her wand and Sirius didn't pull away. She fixed his face so quickly, if only my arms could be fixed that quick.

"Hold your hands out like you're about to shake," Irma said, "but don't touch."

"What's going on?" Sirius asked.

"Trust me," Irma said, "this is what needs to be done. Not only to punish Sirius for his actions, but for you as well, Remus, just trust me."

My eyes locked on Sirius', we didn't need to do what she said.

"She's right," Sirius said, "I need to be punished and I trust her. Just get whatever it is over and done with already."

"Are you sure?" I asked Irma. She said it was what needed to be done.

"I'm sure," Irma said, "you both won't regret this."

Okay.

Sirius and I put out hands together, but not touching.

"Close your eyes," Irma said.

I could see the fear in Sirius' eyes, but he closed them, so I did too.

"Bring your hands together," Irma said.

We did and there was something between us. We clasped our hands together to hold it in place. Irma uttered a few words and the object heated up between our hands. My head felt a little weird and then my body. My arms no longer felt sore or wrapped up. What was she doing to us?

The object between our hands cooled down.

"Open your eyes," Irma told us.

I did and I pulled back instantly. The small orb in our hands dropped onto the bed and Irma quickly picked it up. I was expecting to see gray eyes and Sirius' beautiful face, but instead I was staring into green eyes and looking at myself. What was going on? I reached up and felt Sirius' long hair brushing my shoulders. Irma had switched our bodies, but why?


	89. Being Sirius Black – 1

**Being Sirius Black – Part 1**

"Okay," Irma said, standing up and making her armchair disappear, "off to bed with you, Remus."

Did she mean me, or Sirius as me?

"You," she pointed at me, "though I guess I should start calling you Sirius."

"How long is this going to last for?" Sirius asked. It was so odd to hear my own voice being spoken.

"Until you learn your lesson," Irma said.

"What about Remus?" Sirius asked. "Why are you punishing him too?"

"I'm not, I'm rewarding him," Irma said. "You'll both see. Come on, Remus, bed. Sirius needs to stay here and rest."

"Can we say goodbye?" I asked.

"Sure," Irma said, "but make it quick."

Irma left and I looked into Sirius' green eyes, my face, it was just wrong.

"I don't feel any different," I said, "just a little taller and this long hair's a little annoying." I brushed it off my neck, but it just fell back down. "What about you?" I asked.

"We've only switched bodies," Sirius said, "everything else is the same. …How can you do this?" he asked. "Before we switched you were fine, but this pain in your arms is unbearable, I won't be able to manage it for much longer and you go through this every month."

I smiled, I couldn't help it. Irma's plan was already starting to make sense to me. Sirius had hurt me and now he was the one having to deal with the pain. I didn't like him having to deal with it, but it was his fault and better him than me. I deserved a break. Plus, maybe this would teach him about what Moony puts me through, about how it's not good to risk trying new things, about how things have to go a certain way.

"Stop smiling," Sirius said, "I hardly ever smile and you're me. You have to play the part. I can play you easily, but can you play me?"

Could I? Probably not, but I wasn't worried about it.

"You should ask Poppy for a potion for the pain," I said, standing up, "and maybe some chocolate, that always makes me feel better."

"But I'm not you," Sirius stated. "...Do you at least understand why I did what I did?"

"Kind of," I answered, "but I'm going to have to process it all, I only just found out."

"I understand."

"I'd kiss you," I told him, "but I don't really want to kiss myself. ...This is so weird."

"You should leave," Sirius said and my face fell. "It's just… I'm not going to be able to stay silent much longer without that pain potion and I don't want you to see me like that."

Yet another layer. Irma knew what she was doing, I didn't doubt that.

"I'll send Poppy your way," I told Sirius, "Rensen too if I see him."

I left the hospital wing and it was hard to get used to Sirius' slightly longer stride. It felt good to be taller. This hair was so annoying though, soft but. I kept running my hand through it, trying to keep it off my neck. I wondered if I could tie it back or cut it. I wasn't sure how long I was going to be in Sirius' body for.

My first test arrived when I made it to our dorm room, thankfully it was late, so I didn't pass anyone on the way there.

"Where the hell have you been?" James asked me.

"Hospital wing," I answered without thinking.

"You've seen Remus?" James asked. "How is he?"

"Umm… He's good," I said. "Why wouldn't he be?"

"Did you hear what he did this morning?"

Had Sirius heard? Yes, he took the fall for it.

"Yeah, I told McGonagall it was me, I just finished my detention for it."

"Are you okay?" James asked. "Something seems off."

How could he tell? I needed to act more like Sirius. How would Sirius answer that question? Well, that was easy…

"Don't worry about me." …Wait, did Sirius say that to James too or only me?

James looked at me for a beat before moving on. "I know Remus can sometimes forget, does he remember anything?"

I didn't think again, I just answered. "No, the last thing I… he remembers is right before the change."

"Oh, good," James said, "I need to tell you something, but I'm not sure if we should tell Remus or not."

Not tell me what? I stayed silent, Sirius liked his silence with others, I think.

"Lily knows," James whispered, "about Remus' condition."

Lily knew? My face fell. What did this mean? Would she tell everyone? How did she find out?

"Are you sure you're okay?" James asked.

What now? …My face, Sirius never reacted outwardly to things, I needed to keep it blank. This was going to be so hard to pull off.

"Would you stop asking me that?" ...Sirius swore, could I swear? I didn't like to, but Sirius did. Maybe I should try… "Fuck," I hissed.

It was odd, slightly liberating, but I wasn't sure it was me ...but I wasn't me right now. This was too confusing. I sat down on my bed.

"What are you doing?" James asked. "Are you sleeping in his bed tonight?"

Right, wrong bed. Maybe it would be better to be in the hospital wing right now. James was too critical and aware.

"Did you hear what I said?" James asked. "This isn't you at all. ...Lily knows." His eyes drilled into mine.

Right. How would Sirius react to this news? He'd be protective of me, but also… Why was this so hard?

"Is she going to say anything?" I asked, standing up and sitting on Sirius' bed.

"I don't think so," James said, "you should've seen her with Remus. They were on the same bed and she was rubbing his head, it calmed him. She was a real mama bear. Plus, she's known for almost a year, so I think we're good."

"How did she find out?" I asked.

James was looking at me oddly again.

"How the fuck did she find out?" I asked, sharpening my voice. James smiled.

I needed to be Sirius, not me.

"She said something about the true meaning of his name or something, I don't know," James said, "I was paying attention to other things, if you know what I mean." He wiggled his eyebrows.

Yuck. I frowned and so did James. This was too hard, James would catch on, I needed someone to help me.

"I'm Remus," I said.

"Did you hit your head?" James asked. "You're definitely not yourself, but you're not Remus either. Go look in the mirror and see."

I sighed. "Why would I lie, James?"

"You lie all the time."

"No," I said, "Sirius lies, not me."

"Go look in the fucking mirror," James said.

"Please, James, it's me. Ask me something, let me prove this to you."

James crossed his arms against his chest. "Tell me how I can get Lily."

"You can't."

"That proves nothing," James said, arms still crossed, "both of you would say that."

Of course when I needed to sound like myself I sounded like Sirius.

"Ask me something else," I pleaded.

James was silent for a moment. "Okay," he said, "I have it, the perfect way to find out. If you're really Remus, tell me what you love most about Sirius."

What I loved most? That was impossible.

"Everything," I answered honestly.

"Be more specific," James said, "name three things, straight off the top of your head."

I didn't see how this would help, but I did it anyway.

"His hair, his eyes, and that he loves me."

James let out a breath of air. "How the fuck did this happen?" he asked.

Peter walked into the room. "How did what happen?" he asked. I didn't meet his gaze.

"Nothing," James said, but his eyes drilled into mine.

"Irma," I said, covering it with a cough.

"So he's…" James trailed off, pointing to my bed.

I nodded my head.

"Fuck," James said.

"What's going on?" Peter asked. "Is this about Remus? Where is he? Did he get kicked out? I heard about what he did in the hallway. He has no respect, I've always said that. I also said that he had anger issues, that he was bad, but no one listened to me. I bet they'll listen now."

I glared at him and he squeaked. "Shut your fucking mouth," I said. Okay, that felt good.

Peter scurried out of the room.

"Enjoying yourself?" James smiled.

"No," I said, "being Sirius is hard work. I can't do this."

"How long is it for?" James asked. "And why?"

I looked towards the door, but Peter was still gone. "Irma said it was until Sirius learned his lesson."

"What lesson?"

"He was… He was with Moony last night," I said, "that's why I attacked myself so bad."

"Has anyone told you what happened?" James asked. "In the hallway?" I shook my head no. "You were blinded by rage, you were cursing students left, right and center, you didn't care, you were so reckless, Remus. Lily calmed you down with some head rubbing thing and we finally got you to fall asleep. I don't know what happened, but something wasn't right."

This was too much. What I did, what Sirius did, the fact that I was now Sirius. I was still drained from my wolf transformation too.

"I think I need some sleep," I said, "I can start fresh tomorrow."

"Don't forget," James said, pointing to Sirius' bed. Right, I was Sirius Black.


	90. Being Sirius Black – 2

**Being Sirius Black – Part 2**

Sleeping in Sirius' bed, being surrounded by his scent and actually producing his scent was amazing. I was on a constant high. Sirius' scent was one of my favorite things and it was so easy to sniff myself; weird, but easy.

"Get up and dressed already," James said.

Right, classes. I got up numbly, not wanting to leave Sirius' bed and opened his cupboard. I quickly got dressed and James laughed at me.

"You look like a fucking dweeb," he said, "Sirius would never wear that."

I looked down, I had grabbed a sweater vest, it was just normal for me. I couldn't believe Sirius owned one, I smelled it, it had no distinct scent, it had to be new.

"Maybe this can be his punishment," I said, not really wanting to get changed.

"At least put his dragon hide jacket over the top," James said.

My eyes lit up at that. I loved Sirius' jacket, but only Moony got to wear it. I didn't care, it probably looked stupid on me, but it looked hot on Sirius and I was Sirius. I ripped the sweater vest off and then proceeded to re-do my whole outfit.

I found a pair of his black jeans, a white t-shirt, his jacket and threw it on. I wasn't wearing one item of the school's uniform, but I was Sirius Black and Sirius didn't care about things like that. It was liberating. James was laughing at me again. I ran my fingers through my long hair, not knowing what Sirius did with it. It didn't annoy me as much anymore. I still wanted it short, but I could put up with it for now.

We headed for breakfast. This was my first real test outside the safety of our dorm and because of that I spent most of my time staring at the ground and staying silent. Breakfast went well, I just had a drink because that's usually what Sirius did. I was relieved when we went to our first class of the day, but that soon went downhill.

It was Flitwick's class and he no longer looked at me with praise and longing, but he looked at me with distaste and a slight glare. He clearly didn't like Sirius, but I had never noticed that before. I looked around the room, a Hufflepuff student was staring at me and I had to force myself not to smile or wave at them. Sirius wouldn't do that. It didn't matter though because as soon as our eyes locked they quickly looked away.

Things only intensified as the day went on. No one smiled at me, no one said hello, everyone avoided me, everyone looked at me like I was a Black. It was so disheartening and Sirius went through this every day, for his whole life.

"You okay?" James asked.

"Yeah," I said, my voice shaky.

We passed by a group of Slytherin students, some glared at me and some smiled cunningly. I had no idea what they thought about Sirius being in Gryffindor, but I didn't want to know. Everyone expected him to be something he wasn't and they all showed it on their faces and by their reactions. Then, there were the other students who just assumed he was bad like the rest of his family and they didn't want anything to do with him, they wouldn't even look at him. It hurt my heart.

"Maybe we should have a break," James suggested.

"No, I'm fine."

We had Transfiguration next and that was my favorite class.

Being in McGonagall's classroom was calming and I spent my time silently working. Sirius did that. McGonagall asked a question and I raised my hand without thinking. She looked at me and I answered it correctly. There were a lot of gasps and my hand fell as I looked around the room. Sirius didn't answer questions, not unless he was forced to, and he always made sure he got them wrong.

"What?" I asked. Some students looked away, but most didn't. I needed to be harsher, like Sirius. "Fuck," I said, "mind your own fucking business before I hex you into next week."

I don't think I nailed it, but at least the other students went back to their work. James was laughing at me again.

"This is amazing," he said, "when classes end we are so going to see Sirius in the hospital wing. I know he has no reason to pretend in front of me and you, but I want to tell him how terrible you're doing."

I wasn't being that terrible, was I? I looked around the classroom and a Slytherin girl was looking at me and she didn't avert her gaze when I glared. Had I made Sirius too soft, too approachable, or was this something else?

I threw my quill onto the desk, I was done. I put my feet up on the desk and leaned back in my chair. McGonagall eyed me suspiciously, but didn't say a word. The Slytherin girl looked away and I just sat there for the rest of the class doing nothing. It was hard, but it was what Sirius' would've done.

In Slughorn's class, I was still terrible at potions , but I worked hard, trying to be at least as good as Sirius was. Slughorn looked at me in the oddest way, it was hard to describe. He seemed curious yet maybe envious. I wasn't sure, but it was making me feel uncomfortable.

Every now and then, more often than not, Slughorn came by my table and would quietly give me tips. I frowned. Had Slughorn been helping Sirius all this time without me knowing? I didn't do what Slughorn suggested because I knew that Sirius didn't trust anyone, least of all the Professors, so he would think that Slughorn's tips were false.

Not following Slughorn's tips didn't stop him from giving them. He even started smiling at me. Was he trying to recruit Sirius' into his club? Something definitely seemed to be going on. If only I could read minds like Sirius could. I wondered if Sirius knew what was going on, he had to.

I couldn't wait to see him again, I missed him. I hoped he was doing okay with the pain and being stuck in the hospital wing, but I didn't have high hopes. Sirius didn't like losing his freedom. Hopefully Poppy would let him leave soon. I buried my nose in my shoulder and took in a deep breath, letting Sirius' scent calm me. Soon, I'd get to see him soon.


	91. Being Sirius Black – 3

**Being Sirius Black – Part 3**

James and I walked into the hospital wing where Sirius appeared to be sleeping. It was odd to see myself like this, it was different than a mirror, I think the brain tricks you when you look into a mirror, but now, to see him sleeping in my body, it was odd.

"Are you sure it's him?" James asked. "Or is there two Remus', or is your body just a shell?"

"It's him," I said, sitting on the bed.

I wanted to wake Sirius up by running my hand through his hair, but it was too creepy. I didn't want to touch myself in that way, only Sirius.

"Oi," James said loudly, "wake up, mate."

"Mr. Potter," Poppy said, appearing out of thin air, "please behave yourself or I will kick you out."

"Yes, ma'am, sorry ma'am," James said.

I laughed. He had been laughing at me all day, so it was his turn.

"What's going on?" Sirius asked innocently as he sat up, rubbing his eyes. "James, Sirius, what are you doing here?"

James looked at me suspiciously.

"It's him," I told James. "He knows, Russ," I told Sirius, "I couldn't keep it to myself."

I saw something flash across Sirius' eyes, but I bet James didn't.

"Knows what?" Sirius asked.

"You," James said, jumping away from me, "you're an imposter. No, out, get that dementor out of you. I should've known. Remus in Sirius, nope, no, sir. I can't believe I fell for it..."

"Can you please tell him that I'm not crazy," I said, looking pointedly at Sirius.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius said, adding in my stutter was a nice touch, "I've just been here, alone, in pain."

"It's your own fault," I reminded him, "have you learned your lesson yet, that Moony is not to be toyed with? You could've gotten killed, Russ, and that would've killed me."

"I said I was sorry for that," Sirius snapped.

Ah, there was my Russ.

James was still muttering to himself and keeping his distance, but I didn't care.

"I'm sure Poppy will let you leave soon," I said, "is the pain really that bad?"

"Yes," Sirius admitted, "but she keeps giving me potions to help, it never goes away fully though."

"You've just gotta learn to live with it." I shrugged.

"James," Sirius said, "stop being a fucking prat and calm down already."

James looked at Sirius lying in the hospital bed. "You two really switched?" he asked, still cautious.

"Yes," Sirius said simply, "Remus would never swear."

"Well, about that," James smiled widely, "Remus has been swearing and I think he quite likes it."

"I do not," I said, "I just like how freeing it is to not care, but this won't last, once I'm back in my body I won't be swearing or disregarding the rules. Nothing will change."

"You should've seen him," James said, "we were midway through class and he'd had enough, or something, and he threw his quill and then spent the rest of the class leaning back with his feet on the desk not giving any fucks. I thought McGonagall was going to blow a gasket. He may have started out being a terrible you, but he's getting the hang of it."

"What about you?" I asked Sirius. "Does Poppy suspect anything?"

"No," Sirius said, "she just said that I'm complaining more than usual and she keeps forcing chocolate down my throat."

I laughed, I couldn't help it. Sirius had risked so much with his actions and now he was paying for them, and I was getting the unique opportunity to walk in his shoes and see how the world treated him. Irma was right, this was punishing Sirius, but rewarding me. I had always wanted to know these things, but Sirius never liked to talk about himself.

"I've got something to do," I said, standing up. I just had a thought and I didn't know how long I'd be in Sirius' body for, so I needed to act now. "Do you have Rensen?" I asked.

Rensen stuck his head out of the covers and looked at me. I liked that he could still tell who Sirius was even though Sirius was in my body. Rensen was definitely a dada's boy.

"Where are you going?" Sirius asked, "and what are you doing in my body?"

"Nothing." I couldn't keep the smile off my face.

"Stop smiling," Sirius said before turning to James. "He hasn't been smiling all the time, has he?"

"Nope, no smiling," James said. "He did answer a question right in class though, but it was purely accidental."

"I don't like this," Sirius said, "I want my body back. Go find Irma and make her switch us back."

"Can't," I said, "there's something I need to do."

"Remy," Sirius pleaded, but I didn't listen. "James, please go with him."

"Please don't," I told James.

James looked torn.

"You've spent all day with me," I told James, "now you can spend a few minutes with Sirius."

I left the hospital wing before either of them could protest or come with me. There was something I needed to do, someone I needed to see. I had gotten nowhere with this person as Remus Lupin, but I wasn't me anymore, not physically at least. This person would have no reason not to talk to me.

It took me a while to find them, but I tracked them down. I grabbed them by the arm and pulled them over to a secluded spot. Their wide and vulnerable eyes met mine.

"Where have you been?" they asked. "I waited for you, but you never showed. Are you okay? Did she get to you again? Sirius, please talk to me."

As I stared into the familiar grey eyes of Regulus Black I realized my mistake. All I wanted to do was find out why he had a problem with me, but now that I was standing face-to-face with him I realized that I was in way over my head.

"Sirius," Regulus said, "please, you're scaring me."

Fuck, what was I supposed to do now?


	92. Being Sirius Black – 4

**Being Sirius Black – Part 4**

"Sirius, please," Regulus said.

This was it, I had to be Sirius and I couldn't get this wrong.

"You know me, Reggie," I chuckled hollowly, "I'm fine, I'm always fine. Don't worry about me."

Regulus seemed to relax.

"Where were you yesterday?" he asked. "I waited for you but you didn't show up. I thought something bad happened again. Did something happen?"

"No," I said, "just a friend emergency."

"It was him again, wasn't it?" Regulus said.

I decided to stay quiet.

"I told you the truth about him," Regulus said, "but you're still pursuing him. Sirius, he's bad, even worse than…" he trailed off. "Why won't you listen to me? You know I never lie, you know I can see what's on the inside."

More silence from me. I knew he was talking about me.

"He has darkness," Regulus said, "he has anger, he's going to betray you. People like that are good at making you think what they want. He's just waiting for the right moment to destroy you, just like… I don't want you to get hurt, I don't want you to get killed. Please don't leave me."

"I'm not leaving you," I said, trying to show no emotions, "and I know what I'm doing. Do you really think I'd allow anyone to hurt me after everything she's put me through?"

"But I've seen his insides, the parts he doesn't show."

"So?" I said. "You've seen my insides too and you know I'm different. People can be two things. It's not cut and dry, you need to learn that. Things may be two-dimensional at home, but they're not really like that."

"Something's not right about you," Regulus said, staring into my eyes.

"What are you talking about?" I snapped. It was so hard playing Sirius, but I was trying to stay out of my head. I just needed to trust my instincts.

"You feel off," Regulus said, "more so than usual. You're starting to feel like that boy. Are you dating him?"

"No, of course not."

"But you want to?" he asked.

"Reggie," I sighed, "I know about his darkness and I'm not worried about it. He loves me, I know that for sure, and he would never hurt me."

"But what if he does?" Regulus asked. "I don't want you to get hurt anymore, Sirius."

"Don't worry about me." ...Sirius' usual words that always frustrated me were making more sense now, he had spent a lot of his life trying to get his brother not to worry about him.

"How is she doing after everything?" I bravely asked.

"She's close, Sirius, so close."

Close to what? I kept silent hoping he would continue.

"What are you going to do if she burns you off the tapestry?" Regulus asked.

Burn Sirius off the tapestry? What did that mean?

"Don't worry about me," I told him.

"Have you decided what you're doing this summer?" Regulus asked. "I've been saving all my money, you can have it. I even asked for money instead of gifts for Christmas, it's all yours."

Sirius didn't like gifts.

"That's your money, Reggie," I said, "not mine. Summer is so far away, please don't worry yourself about it."

"How's your head?" he asked. "And please don't lie to me, you know I can feel it."

"It's getting there," I answered as honestly as I could. "How are you?"

"I'm good," Regulus said, "I stopped talking to those guys like you said and I'm trying to speak to Severus more. It's just… they all feel the same and I must too because the Sorting Hat put me in Slytherin."

"That hat isn't to be trusted," I said.

"But it put you in Gryffindor and you belong there."

"It may have been right with me, but that doesn't mean it's right all the time… We are more than our houses." I could feel myself starting to come through, I needed to dial it back, I needed to be Sirius. "We are more than the family we were born into." I needed to stop, but Regulus just looked so small to me and I wanted to wrap my arms around him and hug all his worries away, but Sirius' family didn't do that.

Screw it, I wasn't Sirius, I was Remus Lupin and I cared about Regulus Black. He may hate me, he may be able to feel the wolf inside me, but that didn't mean I felt the same way about him. I stepped towards him and he flinched. I didn't care. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him firmly, but not tight. Regulus was rigid in my arms and then he settled.

I held him for as long as he let me, hoping that this was soothing him in some way. When he was done, he pulled back and stepped away.

"You're not my brother," he said, my eyes went wide, "but thank you."

Regulus said no more, he just walked away. I watched him go. I wasn't sure if he knew it was me or not, but he clearly knew it wasn't Sirius. I should've known, those two boys had grown up together, they were brothers, they'd been through it all. Where Sirius could see into people's minds, Regulus could feel them; a trait he undoubtedly acquired so he could see how Sirius really felt amongst all the lies he often told.

James and Sirius came around the corner and I found Sirius with my green eyes glaring at me. Sirius wasn't happy.

"What did you do?" he asked.

"What you couldn't," I said simply. I was glad I could offer Regulus something he had most likely always wanted; affection from his brother. "Don't worry about it," I added.

Sirius huffed, but it was good to give him back some of his own medicine.

"Poppy let you out," I said, smiling.

"Stop smiling," Sirius warned me.

I didn't stop, I didn't care. We were alone, no one would see.

Sirius stormed off and I looked at James.

"He really doesn't like being you," James said.

"No," I sighed, "he just doesn't like me being him."

Sirius had spent most of his life in secrecy and now to have me in his body, experiencing what he does every day, being able to talk to his brother like I just did, it made him feel too exposed. He didn't have control over everything and he didn't like it one bit. Hopefully this would teach him to stress less.


	93. Being Sirius Black – 5

**Being Sirius Black – Part 5**

"Sirius," I whispered into the darkness, "Sirius."

"Go away," he mumbled.

I climbed onto my bed with James' invisibility cloak in my hand.

"Sirius, I have a problem."

"So," he said, "deal with it."

"Sirius, please."

Sirius sat up, rubbing his eyes and I realized that saying ' _Sirius, please_ ' was something Regulus kept saying yesterday, maybe that's all I needed to get Sirius to pay attention to me.

"What?" Sirius asked, sighing.

"Umm, I…" I trailed off. How was I supposed to say this? "I, umm… It's hard."

"What's hard?" he asked.

"My dick, well, er, your dick." Oh Merlin, this was so embarrassing.

"So," Sirius said, "that's not my problem anymore, it's yours."

"But… But I haven't touched it yet. It's not mine and I respect you and your body and I just…"

"How have you not touched it?" Sirius asked, more alert now. "Surely you've had to pee."

"Well, yeah, but I kind of just sat down and leaned forward." Oh Merlin. I should've just waited for it to go down by itself, but I couldn't, not anymore, my balls were aching.

"You can touch my dick," Sirius said, "I don't care. I've been touching yours. I even jerked off the other night in the hospital wing because I was dying of boredom."

That was different, Sirius had touched my dick before, but I'd never touched his.

"Are you sure it's okay?" I asked. "I don't want to take anything away from you or anything."

"What do you mean?" Sirius seemed genuinely confused.

I guess he was used to people just taking things from him, his family probably never cared enough to ask for his input, but this was his body, not mine.

"It's just," I started, "if I touch you and do that, well, the first time I do, it's not even you feeling it, you know? I don't want to take that moment from you."

"I don't understand," he said.

My poor beautiful broken boy.

"Maybe you could do it," I said, shifting closer to him.

"Remy, I don't care if you touch my dick, I really don't."

But I cared.

I grabbed James' cloak and threw it over us.

Sirius looked at me cautiously. "I'm not touching it," he said, "I've done it more than enough."

I nodded my head and my eyes didn't leave his as I reached into my pajama pants and carefully pulled out his dick.

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked.

I ignored him and looked down at his dick for the first time. I had felt it as an extension of my body, but I'd been trying not to think about it too much. I gasped when I saw that it was thicker than mine and at how much black hair Sirius had. It was very hard and already leaking precum. My eyes went back to Sirius'. He seemed guarded, but I wasn't taking this moment from him, he would be here the first time I pleasured his body.

My hand wrapped around Sirius' dick and I hissed. Damn, that felt good. I had been getting excited, like normal, since we switched bodies, and now I was finally doing something about it. His dick felt so hot in my hand and I started pumping it up and down, doing what usually felt good for me.

Sirius' eyes finally dropped to watch me and his breath hitched.

"You… You… do it too," I said, throwing my head back and losing myself to the sensations.

I sensed rather than saw Sirius matching me. My eyes went back to his. It was still freaky seeing my green eyes looking at me. I lowered my gaze and it was slightly better. I didn't usually look at my dick too much, so it wasn't overly familiar to me, it was just there, so knowing that it was Sirius bringing himself to pleasure was something else.

Intense, it was intense.

I was getting hot, really hot. I managed to pull off my shirt without breaking my rhythm. I ran my hand down Sirius' chest, wanting to feel it all. I relished in his smooth and flawless skin, not a scar marked him physically. My hand reached lower and I felt some soft hairs running from his bellybutton to the bush at the top of his dick.

I wrapped two hands around his dick and held them there as I thrust my hips. I was panting now and getting so close. My eyes went to Sirius' and he wasn't breathing heavy or reacting, but I could tell he was close too, there was an intensity in his green eyes.

"L-Let go," I panted. "Please. …You're in my body, it's okay… It's okay to make noise… It's okay to feel… It's okay… It's okay."

Sirius' eyes flashed with pain.

"I wouldn't hide these things," I said. "Oh, Merlin I'm close."

"Did you put up a silencing charm?" Sirius asked, sounding only a little bit out of breath. I didn't know how he did it.

Did he think I was stupid? "Yes." He may not care if James and Peter heard him jerk off, but I cared.

"Close your eyes," I told him, repeating his words from our first intimate time together. "Relax, just feel."

Sirius still didn't give in.

"Fuck," I hissed. I couldn't last much longer, but I needed Sirius to let go. "Please, Russ."

I could tell he was struggling on whether to stay silent or not. I decided not to worry about him. I closed my eyes and focused on my own pleasure, thinking of nothing but Sirius. Shit, I was so, so close. I grunted and moaned, I didn't hold back, and then with one final thrust into my hands, I came. Shit. I started jerking Sirius' dick slowly, trying to get it all out and to calm myself down.

I let his dick go when I was done and my eyes focused back on him. He had cum too, but he hadn't uttered a sound. I frowned as he grabbed his wand and said the spell to clean up all the mess that we made.

"It's okay to make noise," I told him, "I want to hear you too."

"I can't," Sirius said, pleading for me to understand.

I pulled my pajama pants back up and Sirius did the same.

"Can I hold you?" I asked. I would rather be holding Sirius in his body, but this would have to do because I needed to be closer to him. My poor boy was so mentally damaged.

Sirius didn't say yes, but he did lay down and I took it as my invitation. I made sure the cloak was covering us and I wrapped my arms around his stiff body.

"I love you," I told him, "and I love your body. It's so smooth and silky, not scarred."

Sirius shifted so we were face-to-face. I was staring into my green eyes again, but this time was different. I was starting to see Sirius in their depths, I focused on that.

"I like your body better," Sirius whispered so softly, "your scars are right there, they can be seen, they can be felt… mine can't. I know they're there, but I don't know how deep they run or where they are."

We were quite the pair. I couldn't help but laugh.

"What?" Sirius asked, trying to pull away from me. I didn't let him.

"Just us," I said. "I'm so happy we found each other, I love you so much."

"So you…" Sirius trailed off, "so you still don't care about all of my problems, or, the other stuff?"

"Russ," I sighed, "I'm a werewolf, I should be dead or alone, so everything is a blessing to me and you're the biggest one. I don't love that your mind is broken, but I love who you are because of it and in spite of it."

"Can I kiss you?" Sirius asked.

I screwed up my face. "No, sorry, but I don't really want to kiss myself."

"Just close your eyes," Sirius said, "forget where we are, what we are. Please, I need this."

He needed this. I nodded my head. "Just give me a few seconds after I close my eyes."

Sirius agreed.

I closed my eyes and tried to forget, it was hard. Instead, I started thinking about all the things I loved about Sirius. It brought a smile to my face and not even a second later, Sirius was kissing me. I groaned, fighting to stay out of my head. It was Sirius kissing me, not myself.

I tried to pull back, this was wrong. Sirius grabbed my hand and brought it to his long hair on my head. Right, Sirius. I ran my fingers through his hair, not touching the scalp, it was easier to pretend that way. I moved my other hand to my non-scarred chest. Sirius, I was kissing Sirius.

I groaned again. This felt good. The last time we had kissed in this bed, it had been our first real kiss, the start of everything, and then, Sirius had fled, he had broken, he had lost his mind. So much gained, so much lost. …Why couldn't I stay out of my head? Sirius was kissing me and I was thinking about the past. I knew I just needed to feel, but I wasn't sure how to do that, how did Sirius do it?

The kiss ended and I pouted, mainly because I had missed most of it. Sirius was calculated, always thinking, did he have this problem too?

"Russ," I said, finding him in my green depths, "how can I stop thinking so much? How do you do it?"

"You need to work on being present," Sirius said, pushing the hair away from my face.

"Do you do that?" I asked. "How do I do that?"

"I'm good at compartmentizling my mind," Sirius said, "but that's not always a good thing. I don't know, you just need to work on it. When you're with someone, start focusing on them and what's happening. If thoughts pop up, dismiss them, don't see them through."

Would that work? I guess all I could do was try.

"Thank you," I told him, "and I hope you work on vocalizing more. I really do want to hear you and not just when we do stuff like this."

"I'll try," Sirius said, smiling tightly.


	94. Being Sirius Black – 6

**Being Sirius Black – Part 6**

"Mr. Black, with me please. …Mr. Black."

Mr. Black… Oh, that was me. I looked up and Irma was staring at me intently. What did she want? She left the quad and I struggled to keep up. It must be important for her to leave her library.

Irma led me to a secluded area and she wouldn't stop wringing her hands together.

"Sirius came to me," she said, "he was acting very strange. He demanded that I change him back and when I refused, he threatened me."

He had?

"Something's going on," Irma said, "I've never seen him like that before. It scared me."

This was major; Irma wasn't scared of anything.

"What did you say to him?" I asked.

"I told him he hadn't learned his lesson yet," Irma said. "He didn't like that, so he blasted three bookshelves over and stormed out. I really think we need to end this, something isn't right."

But Sirius hadn't learned everything he needed to yet, Irma said that herself.

"Tomorrow," I told her.

"Well, you need to tell him that and make sure he doesn't do anything else stupid," Irma said. "When you're ready, both of you need to come to me and I'll reverse everything. Now, I suggest you find him and tell him."

Right. "I will." I left Irma and started searching for Sirius.

As I searched, a lot of curious things happened. I saw Regulus and he nodded his head at me, I nodded back. A Ravenclaw girl approached me and handed me something wrapped up. A small Slytherin boy stopped me.

"Everything's fine," he told me. "Do you, umm, do you need me to keep doing it?"

I had no idea what he was talking about and I had no idea what to say, so I just nodded my head.

"Okay," he said before leaving.

"Sirius," Slughorn called out. No, anyone but him.

I turned to face him, but I didn't say anything, Sirius liked his silence.

"I was wondering if you've thought any more about my offer," Slughorn said.

His offer, what offer? Why hadn't I asked Sirius about this yet? I had a feeling my silence wouldn't get me out of this one.

"I've already told you my answer," I said, hoping it would do.

"None of that, my boy," Slughorn said, "I know your games and I'm sick of them."

This was too much, why had I told Irma to change us back tomorrow? What was I holding onto? Maybe it was time.

"Excuse me," I said, pushing past Slughorn. I knew it was something Sirius would never say, but I didn't care.

I needed to find him and ask him why he blasted three bookshelves over. What was so important that he was that desperate to change back? My first thought would've been the full moon, but we were only just past that. I needed to ask him and hope he didn't lie to me.

Sirius was in his tree and I climbed up to join him. He was still angry and he was glaring at me. It was odd to see myself angry. I looked utterly ferocious and it sent shivers down my spine. Every day I tried so hard to be calm, to not be the wolf and now I could see it was all worth it. I didn't want to scare people, I wanted to be kind to them.

"Irma told me what you did," I said and Sirius diverted his gaze, staying silent. "I have one question," I told him, "why do you want to change back so badly? Why now exactly?"

Sirius still wouldn't look at me. "Because it's important to me," he whispered.

"What is?" I asked, but he didn't answer. "Does it have anything to do with this?" I handed him the small wrapped package the Ravenclaw girl had given to me.

Sirius snatched it off me, checked that it was still sealed, before he stashed it in his pocket.

"When are we changing back?" Sirius asked. "Have you finished violating me yet?"

Violating him? I knew Sirius didn't like me being in his body, but that was a little harsh.

"What's your problem?" I asked and yet again he stayed quiet. "Fucking tell me, Sirius," I snapped and that got his attention.

"You don't get it," he said, "ever since I met you, I've been trying to protect you from myself and my fucked up life and now here you are in my body, being me. I'm not stupid, I know what this means. I'm a Black and that shows daily. I know you've seen it and I never wanted you to. There's other things too and I hate that you're getting wrapped up in these things."

"What's going on with Slughorn?" I asked and Sirius tensed.

"That's exactly my point," Sirius spat, "I'm tying to protect you from these things."

"But I don't understand," I said, "it doesn't have anything to do with me, so why would you need to protect me."

"Of course you'd think that," Sirius said, "Slughorn is a collector, not only of people, but animals too. He has a dragon hide rug, head, claws and all… And what are you, Remus? You're a fucking gifted human and a werewolf. He wants you as a trophy and I doubt he wants you alive."

That couldn't be true.

"Slughorn said he hated me," I said, struggling with this new thought.

"Exactly," Sirius said, "he will kill you and keep you as a trophy. He's a collector. I don't know how badly he wants you, probably not enough and not with Dumbledore so close by, but that doesn't stop me from protecting you."

Sirius was too complicated.

"What about that?" I motioned to the package in his pocket.

"It has to do with becoming an Animagus," Sirius said.

Oh, he was still trying to do that? I decided not to question him on it any further as I didn't want to get into an argument.

"Your life is complicated," I told him, "I honestly don't know how you do it."

Sirius smiled a small smile. "It's just something I learned to do." He shrugged.

"Your brother knows you're not you," I said, deciding I'd rather be upfront about everything. "I didn't know he could feel people."

"What did he say to you?" Sirius asked. "You know, about you?"

"It's okay," I assured Sirius, "he's not wrong. I do have darkness inside of me, anger too. I don't agree that I'll betray you or bring you down, but if Regulus can feel the wolf in me then I don't fault him for thinking these things. He's just trying to protect you."

"What else did you find out from him?" Sirius asked.

"Not much, but I did hug him. I think that's when he realized for sure I wasn't you."

Sirius tensed up again before relaxing.

"I'm done," he said. "I've learned my lesson and I just want to get back into my own body and back to my life. What about you?" he asked and it was extremely considerate of him.

Did I want to do anything else as Sirius? I had enjoyed learning to care less and even to swear. It was kind of good to be silent a lot too, not every situation needed my input, you actually learned more when you were silent as people desperately tried to fill the silence with their ramblings.

"You know what," I said, "I'm ready too."

"Are you sure?" Sirius asked. "Because I'm going to find a way to protect myself so this can never happen again."

"I'm sure," I said.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because it's time," I said simply, "it's time for us to be us. You lost your mind and then this happened. I just want to be Remy and Russ for a while."

I waited for Sirius to speak.

"I like the sound of that," he said quietly with a small smile on his face.


	95. I am Remus Lupin

**I am Remus Lupin**

"Close your eyes," Irma said.

I took one last look at my green eyes and it was odd how easily I could now see Sirius in their depths. It's as though I had faded away and he had taken over, but not for much longer. It was time for us to switch back. I closed my eyes and held onto Sirius' hand tightly.

Something washed over me and this time, because I was aware of what was happening, I could feel my mind moving from Sirius' body and back into mine. It was strange feeling, but once I was back in my body I could just tell and it wasn't because my usual pain was back, it just felt right.

I opened my eyes and Sirius was already alert and searching the room. I had missed those gray eyes and that face.

"We're alone," Sirius said. He was clearly looking for Irma, but I didn't. Sirius was my sole focus. Looking at him in the mirror wasn't the same. I didn't hold my face the same way he did, I smiled too much… It just wasn't the same.

Sirius' eyes met mine and he looked pensive.

"What?" I asked him. "This is what you wanted, you should be happy."

"I am," he said, "I just don't show it like you do. Anyway, that's not what's bothering me. It's the pain. I felt the pain and it was more than just your arms. I hate that you're constantly in pain and that you'll always be. I just wish I could make it go away or something."

"Russ," I smiled, "please don't worry about me, I'm fine. I'm used to the pain. The pain-free break I had whilst being you was great, but this feels more natural to me."

"I don't like it," Sirius said.

"Is that what you learned?" I asked.

Sirius shrugged. "I learned heaps of stuff," he said.

"Like what?"

Sirius sighed. "Do we really have to do this?"

"Yes," I said, "this should be easy for you, you're not talking about yourself, you're talking about me."

"I understand the wolf better," Sirius said, eyes never leaving mine, "I understand what he puts you through, how the effects are forever lasting; pain, scars, mindset too. I understand that he's not a thing to be messed with. I understand that you're stronger than you look, not just with the pain, but with how you're always so positive and helping others."

Sirius paused for a moment before continuing.

"It was also good to let go a bit, not think all the time. I liked smiling and having people treat me a different way. No one glared at me, they all smiled, it was weird, but nice. ...I don't know, there's too many things. What about you?" Sirius asked and I could sense his hesitancy.

"One of the main things I learned was to care less," I told him. "People don't care as much as I think they do, Professors either. It's okay to not work as hard and not be perfect. Swearing was liberating, but I still don't think it's me. I also learned that your life is way too complicated. I know you have your reasons, protecting me, you and your brother, but you need to let go a bit too. I don't want your mind to break again, Russ."

"It won't," Sirius said, but I wasn't so sure. Surely if it broke once it could break again.

No one spoke and I found myself staring at Sirius again.

"Can I kiss you?" I asked. I had missed that so much and the one kiss we shared wasn't the same as I was kissing myself.

"No," Sirius said and I frowned. "Don't you dare ask me for that." What was going on? "If you want to kiss me then just do it."

I understood what he was saying. I knew there were factors as well, I knew he'd only allow me to kiss him if we were alone, things like that, but I was happy with this and we were alone right now.

I smiled and leaned towards him. Sirius didn't react or pull back. I hated that he still kept such a tight lock on everything. I understood better now, it was because he didn't want people to know the truth. It was one thing to be judged as a Black, but it was another thing to confirm it, and I knew how much Sirius didn't want that. He just wanted to be his own man, but he'd never get that chance. Everyone knew the Blacks and he'd never be able to escape that. It would be the same for me if people found out I was a werewolf. Remus Lupin would cease to exist, I'd just be the beast everyone feared.

The present, I needed to stay in the present. My lips met Sirius' and I closed my eyes. It was so good being able to kiss him again. I sighed as I tangled my fingers in his hair, it was so soft. I parted my lips, hoping Sirius would take charge, but he didn't. I groaned in frustration and then ran my tongue across his bottom lip. Sirius smiled and I wanted to tell him to stop, but it wasn't worth it.

Seeing as he wouldn't open up, I grabbed his bottom lip with my teeth and bit it gently before letting it go. Sirius pulled back and our eyes met. His eyes were blazing with some unknown emotion. Next thing I know, he's grasped me behind the neck and pulled our lips back together. There was no asking this time, our tongues just found each other. I sighed again, I couldn't help it. I loved Sirius and I had missed him.

This was our time, it had to be.


	96. Boyfriend

**Boyfriend**

"Sirius?" I questioned. We were in the Gryffindor Common room, by the window, away from everyone else.

"Hmm," he said, staring out the window as he petted Rensen on his lap.

"Can we talk about us?" I asked.

"What about us?" Sirius tensed up slightly and didn't look my way.

"Like, what are we doing?" I asked. "I know we like each other, love each other even, and we've kissed, but like, what does that mean? Are we dating?"

Sirius' eyes met mine. "Does it even matter?" he asked.

"Well, umm, no, I guess not," I stammered. Did it matter? Why did I constantly have to push these things when I could just leave them alone? Everything was brand new and we were still learning. I just, deep down, I wanted to be able to call Sirius my boyfriend. I wanted us to be exclusive, even just privately, so that we couldn't date anyone else, but was that too much too ask? Was it too early to ask that?

"I want to call you my boyfriend," I said quietly, "but I understand if you're not there yet, but just, so you know."

Sirius said nothing. He was so frustrating at times. I turned back to my piece of parchment as I waited for him to speak, but I understood that he might not. Sirius liked his silence, I knew that, so I was somewhat surprised when he did talk.

"I don't care if you call me your boyfriend when we're alone," Sirius said, looking firmly at Rensen and not me.

"What about you?" I asked. "Will you call me that?"

"No," he said and my face fell, "not yet," he added.

It made me feel a little better but not much.

I wanted to ask him why, but I knew it had to do with his mother and how she had warned him to stay away from other boys. I decided not to push it.

I leaned closer to him, at least he had given me something. "Boyfriend," I whispered and I felt a giddy surge of emotion run through me. I liked the sound of that. Sirius Black was my boyfriend... but I wasn't his. I pulled back, frowning.

"Don't overthink it," Sirius said. "How's your pain?"

I wished he would stop asking me that. Ever since he'd been in my body and felt the pain I constantly felt, he was always asking me. I tried to tell him that I was used to it, that it was normal, but he didn't listen. Now, I half-lied all the time.

"Not bad," I told him.

I don't know if he ever believed me, but he accepted it.

We were silent for a while before Sirius spoke.

"Do you want to go to Hogsmeade this weekend?" he asked. "Just us?"

Just us? My heart swelled.

"What would we do?" I asked, abandoning my work and looking at him.

Sirius shrugged. "Whatever we want… Whatever you want," he corrected.

Whatever I wanted? What did I want? We'd be alone, well, more alone than we were in the castle. There'd still be other students around though, so it wouldn't be true aloneness. Maybe we could take some Polyjuice Potion. I dismissed that thought immediately, I just wanted Sirius as himself, not as me or someone else. It was impossible.

"It's impossible," I said, "people will still know who we are, the other students, we won't be able to be ourselves, I won't be able to hold your hand or anything like that."

Sirius' eyebrows knitted together, he seemed upset. "We won't be able to do that anywhere," he said, "not without being judged by others."

"But I don't care about that."

"You might think that," Sirius said, "but you will care. I know you, Remy, you care about everything."

"So, it is impossible," I said, "we'll never get to be together that way. Not like a wizard and a witch would be. That's so unfair."

Sirius' hand found my leg underneath the table and he squeezed gently.

"We could take James' cloak," Sirius suggested.

"And what?" I asked. "Do nothing all day? How are we supposed to order a drink and drink it? Let's just not worry about it, it's not worth it."

"Don't be like that," Sirius said.

"It's okay," I smiled at him, "it's really okay."

"I'm going to figure this out," he said.

"Why bother?" I asked.

"Because this was my idea," Sirius said, "and you know I don't do anything unless I want to… and I want to spend time with you in that way."

He did? But how could we do that where we wouldn't be judged and where Sirius wouldn't be recognized. We didn't need this to get back to his mother. I would not be the reason he got hurt or killed. It was impossible, but then again this was Sirius and nothing was impossible for him to figure out.

I made sure we weren't being watched before I snaked my hand under the table and held Sirius' in my own. He smirked.

"See," he said, "we can do this. You think too much."

He was right, but it wouldn't be enough, not forever. Hiding would only get us so far.

Halley sat down across from us and our hands flew apart. Sirius patted Rensen yet again and I grabbed my quill. Neither of us said anything and Halley huffed quietly.

"Sirius," she said when she'd found her courage, "do you have any notes from the last Transfiguration lesson? I wasn't paying attention."

Sirius still didn't speak and I smiled. Halley may like Sirius, but he didn't like her, he liked me. It made me feel so happy.

"Hello," Halley said, "I was talking to you." More silence from Sirius. "What's going on with him?" Halley asked me.

"Spell gone wrong," I told her, "he can't hear you."

"Oh," Halley was thoughtful.

I really wanted to tell her that Sirius didn't like her, but I could never be that cruel. Though the urge to rub our relationship in her face would never disappear I expected.

"Boyfriend," I mumbled.

Sirius' lips twitched and Halley looked at me confused. I looked sideways at Sirius and he was struggling to keep his face blank, then he just gave up and he smiled so widely. It was weird, I'd never seen him smile that big before. All I'd done was called him my boyfriend, it must be something more. I wanted to ask him, but too bad we had company right now.

"Why's he smiling?" Halley asked, unable to look away. I couldn't either, Sirius smiling was such a sight to behold.

"Don't know," I said, "could be many things."

"Do you think it's because I'm here?" Halley asked and I started to see red. How dare she assume that?

My leg started bouncing up and down. I wanted to put her in her place, I wanted to claim Sirius as my own right in front of her. Sirius' hand found its way to my leg again and he squeezed. I managed to calm myself down, but it was hard. I grabbed my quill and focused back on my work. Sirius never let me go.

"What?" Sirius said, in a really loud voice. Now I was the one smiling. "Did someone say something?" he yelled. "Cara, what are you doing here?"

Cara? Nice touch.

I could see Halley wanted to say something, but she clearly decided it wasn't worth it because she stood up in a huff and left us. I shook my head and smiled.

"You think she'll leave me alone now?" Sirius asked.

"No."

"Why not?" Sirius frowned. "I don't like her."

"Yeah, but you're amazing," I told him, feeling my face heat up, "at least, I think so."

"I know," Sirius said, "cursed with good looks and luscious locks, smart too, when I want to be. I'm the whole package."

I smiled. I had missed cocky Sirius. It had been a long time since we could just be us.

"What about you?" I asked. "What had you smiling so widely?"

"You," Sirius said simply.

"What about me?"

"You getting territorial over me," Sirius said, smiling again. "I was imagining just what Moony would do to her. It's kind of cool to have a werewolf as a protector, even if I know it will never happen. It's a nice thought though."

"Never say never," I told him. "If it was worth it, I'd let Moony out."

"I don't think you would," Sirius said, "you're too kind for that. It's okay, Halley will never get me again and that will be her punishment."

I hated that she had already force kissed Sirius. I could feel my blood boiling again as I searched the room for her.

"Down, boy." Sirius smirked.

"I want to hurt her," I said, still searching for her.

"I know," Sirius said, "but you won't. …I won't let you."

I stopped looking for her and my eyes landed on Sirius'. We were quite the pair.

"I love you," I told him.

"I know." He smiled.


	97. Firewhisky Street

**Firewhisky Street**

"Are we going to Hogsmeade too?" I asked Sirius. We had just seen James and Peter off. We couldn't officially go, neither of our parents had signed our permission slips; Sirius had forced his mother's signature, but he didn't like to leave me alone. We didn't need them though because Sirius had found a secret passageway that led straight to Honeydukes, you could get from Hogwarts to Hogsmeade without being seen.

"No," Sirius said and my face fell.

"Oh."

"I've got something better," Sirius said, "well, I hope it's better, I haven't actually been there before."

I was skeptical, but excited. I knew Sirius would find a way. He led us to Irma's office and she looked nervous.

"Maybe I should come with you," she said, "it's a big place, foreign too. I don't want you two to get into any trouble."

"Irma," Sirius said, "we'll be fine. We won't cause any trouble."

"And if he does," I said, "I'll protect him."

"Two hours," Irma said, "if you're not back by then, I'm coming to get you. Don't you dare make me leave my library."

Sirius agreed and Irma got her fireplace ready.

I was brimming with excitement now. "Where are we going?" I asked Sirius.

"You'll see," he said.

Of course. I wanted to try and guess, but it'd be too hard, the world was such a big place.

"Hold onto my hand tightly," Sirius said and I did.

He picked up a handful of Floo Powder and threw it into the fire. We stepped into the blue flames.

"Firewhisky Street," he said clearly.

The trip was longer than I expected and I had no idea where we came out, but it was a vibrant magical place. I looked around in awe. It was a mixture of Diagon Alley and Hogsmeade. It had all the shops and amenities you'd ever need, but it also had a lot of familiar stuff like bars and houses.

"Where are we?" I asked, spinning around as I took it all in.

"We're under the French Quarter in New Orleans, America," Sirius said, "we're standing directly below the Muggle's Bourbon Street."

America, wow. I didn't know they had things like this, but it made sense, they were just like us in many ways. They had their own schools and Ministry. This was amazing.

"We should've brought Rensen," I said, walking past an animal store.

"Next time," Sirius said and I liked the sound of that.

Sirius let me lead the way, he just followed silently behind. I looked at anything and everything as we walked down Firewhisky street. It wasn't just an alley here, but many streets connected, it was big. Sirius had called it the French Quarter and it had that kind of vibe, just magical too. I wondered if it would be possible to see the Muggle version sometime too. Sirius and I hadn't worn our cloaks or uniforms, so we could totally do it.

We passed by a bank and I stared at it. It was a huge brick building called Royal Bank. It had, what I think were, Hippogriff statues by the door, they looked scary. I pointed them out to Sirius.

"What about them?" he asked. "They're no less scary than a werewolf."

How could he not be scared of these things? Their beaks were huge and they looked mean. Someone came out of the bank and they dropped their money. I didn't get a close look, but it definitely looked different to ours. I was sad that we wouldn't be able to buy or do anything here. I wondered how we could get some money.

"What's wrong?" Sirius asked.

"We can't buy anything."

"Says who?" Sirius pulled a bunch of coins out of his pocket and handed them to me. "Go nuts," he said.

"How?" I asked, looking at the coins closer. They definitely weren't like ours. I wondered what they were called, but they weren't marked, I'd have to do some research later.

"You really think I'd plan this trip and not get some of the local currency?" Sirius said. "It's a must when traveling anywhere."

"But how?" I asked.

"Gringotts," Sirius shrugged, "I gave Irma a bunch of money and she went and got it converted for me. Whatever we don't spend we can keep for next time or we can convert it back. It's up to us."

He was so thoughtful. He'd done all of this for us. I shoved the coins into my pocket and launched myself at him, hugging him tightly. I expected Sirius to pull away or do something negative, but he just held me to him. It was so good to be able to hug him with no fear. No one here knew who we were, no one knew Sirius was a Black or that I was a werewolf. We could just be us and it felt liberating.

Someone cleared their throat by us and I let Sirius go. The wizard was glaring at us disgusted. Right, although no one knew who we were, we were still two wizards in love. Why couldn't everyone just assume Sirius was a girl with his long hair, it'd make things easier.

"Don't worry about that git," Sirius said, grabbing my hand. "You've got money now, what do you want to do?"

"We should get James something," I said.

"James?" Sirius questioned.

"Yeah, he's going to be mad that we didn't invite him," I said, imagining it now.

"No one can know we were here, Remy," Sirius said, "no one."

"But James won't tell anyone."

"I agree," Sirius said, "but it's not about that, there are many ways information can be discovered, it's not worth it, especially if you want to come back here."

He was right, but I didn't like it.

"What if I get him something, but don't give it to him until his birthday," I suggested.

Sirius looked thoughtful. "I guess that would be alright," he said, "but he can never know how you truly got it."

"He won't," I assured him.

"Where to?" he asked.

"We need to find their Quidditch store," I said and Sirius nodded his head.

We ended up finding the store and I knew James would love literally everything in this store and I wanted to buy it all for him. I found a small something, Sirius was right, we couldn't let him know the truth. I went up to pay the guy, but Sirius pushed me aside and expertly paid the guy while I looked on confused. Their money definitely had different names to ours and Sirius was doing some kind of haggling. I don't think I'd ever understand how he could be so confident.

I knew James would be happy with his gift and I couldn't keep the smile off my face. Sirius smirked and put his arm around my shoulders. We got a few glares, but no one said anything and Sirius clearly didn't care. I tried to follow his lead, but it was hard. I didn't like upsetting anyone, but we weren't doing anything wrong.

Sirius led me into some kind of pub called Dragon's Breath. It was dark and somewhat dreary, but it had a good atmosphere. Everyone was having a good time. Sirius strode over to the barman and asked for one Firewhisky and one Butterbeer. The guy didn't even ask if he was of age, Sirius was too good at this; he was always playing the part and because he was so sure of himself, no one questioned him. It was impressive, but worrying deep down. I couldn't put my finger on why exactly, but it was niggling at me.

Our drinks were placed in front of us and the thoughts disappeared. Sirius picked them up and chose a table in the back, away from everyone else. We sat down across from each other at the small square table. I took a sip of my Butterbeer, it was good. Sirius downed half of his Firewhisky.

"Why didn't you order me one of those?" I asked.

Sirius cocked his eyebrow and decided not to answer me. We both knew I wouldn't be able to handle it, but Sirius could. He was so much older than he should be. I wondered how old he was when he first tasted Firewhisky and what circumstances it happened under. It was probably best not to ask. I didn't want to ruin today, not when I wanted to come back.

"Are you having a good time?" Sirius asked as he stared at his glass. "I know we can't do much because time is short, but we can always come back. I just thought…" he trailed off.

Nervous Sirius popped up every now and then, but it was so rare I always took note when it happened.

I reached across the table and rested my hand on his. I could feel the cold condensation of his glass contrasting against his warm hand.

"Any time I spend with you is a good time," I said before immediately blushing, that was so lame. "What I mean is that… Umm… This is great. I've never been anywhere before, just Hogwarts, home, and James' house that one time. St Mungo's too, I guess, but hardly anywhere else. I can't believe how different it feels here. I don't know how to explain it, but they do things differently here, live differently. That witch over there," I motioned to her with my head, "I think she's like us, just, you know, with another witch."

Sirius turned to look at the two witches sitting together. They were sitting close, their whole sides touching as they enjoyed a drink. Sirius turned back.

"What we are," Sirius started carefully, "is nothing new, Remy. It may be new to you, and me in a sense, but it's not new. People have been doing this since time began. We can't help who we're attracted to."

"Are-are you attracted to females too?" I asked. I didn't know if I could handle his answer, but I needed to know.

"No," Sirius said, "it's always been boys for me. What about you?"

"Umm, I don't know," I said and Sirius frowned. "Moony he, umm, he liked boys before I did. I thought it was just him, so I denied those thoughts. I was sheltered growing up, my parents didn't let me go out or have any friends, it was too risky. Moony liked the boys on my mother's television, well, I guess I was the one who liked them. I denied it and then I fell for you. When I first started Hogwarts, I thought I'd find a girl and maybe get to know them or something. Maybe. I wasn't ready and I just thought that's how it was. Witches and Wizards. But now, with you and Nix, I think it's just boys for me too. I haven't taken a second look at any of the girls at school, they just don't interest me in that way, they scare me."

Sirius laughed heartily and it was beautiful. I didn't even care that he was essentially laughing at my naivety.

He stopped laughing and a serious look washed over him, he became stock still, his eyes drilling into mine. The intensity made me want to look away, but our eyes were locked.

"I'm glad you fell for me, Remy," he said, stoically, "but if that ever changes, please just let me go as quick as you can."

I frowned. "That's never going to happen," I told him, "I love you, you're it for me."

"You don't know what you're saying," Sirius said, "I'm your first and firsts never last. ...Just make sure you do it quick. Promise me."

I knew it would never happen, so I gave Sirius what he wanted.

"I promise," I said and he relaxed right in front of me before downing the second half of his Firewhisky.

Sirius may think I'd leave him, but I never would. How I felt, how much I cared for him and loved him, it was indescribable and I knew it would only grow with time.


	98. I Felt Love

**I Felt Love**

"Promise me," I told Sirius.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Do you really think I'm that stupid?" he asked.

"Yes," I answered honestly.

I never thought Sirius would visit Moony in the first place, but apparently he'd been doing it for months and last month he actually went into the shack with devastating consequences. I had never bitten myself before and I'd since learned that bites took longer to heal than claw injuries. I was still wearing bandages on my arms, but I had taken them off for tonight. I knew if I didn't then Moony would.

"I'm not going to be so reckless again," Sirius said, but I didn't believe him.

I had finally realized what was niggling at me during our trip to New Orleans and had been for a while now, it was Sirius. He was too confident and too good at lying. How would I ever know if he was telling me the truth or not? It could all be one big lie and I'd never know. Sirius had no tells, he was completely unreadable. Was he lying to me right now? Did he really love me too? Or was it all an act? I bet he hated my scars and just pretended to be okay with them. He didn't want to be in my body, it must be because of the scars.

"Remy," he said, bringing me into a hug, "stop thinking so much."

I couldn't believe he was hugging me in our dorm room, we hadn't done that for awhile as we didn't want Peter to say anything to Sirius' mom.

What he said hit me.

"Are you reading my mind right now?" I asked, pulling away from him.

"No," Sirius said, "I can just tell when you're overthinking things."

"Dumble-Dumbledore said he couldn't read my mind," I told Sirius, "It's because the wolf is separate to me, it blocks my thoughts or something. Can you really read it or are you just lying?"

"I've heard your thoughts before," Sirius said, "there's a different feel to them, but I've definitely heard them. I don't know if Dumbledore is lying to you or not."

I didn't think Dumbledore was, but how could Sirius hear my thoughts and not Dumbledore? It made no sense. Dumbledore was more powerful than Sirius.

"Does this even matter right now?" Sirius asked. "You shouldn't be thinking this much before your change."

"I don't like the idea of you lying to me," I told him.

"That's good," Sirius said, "because I never lie to you."

"Are you sure?" I asked.

"Positive," he said. "Where's this coming from?"

"You lie all the time," I told him, "to everyone and you're too good at it."

"I'm not denying that," Sirius said, "but I don't lie to you. Sometimes you just assume or I'll chose my words carefully, but I don't lie to you. If you can't accept this, I'm just going to leave, I don't want you going off to the shack angry."

Sirius would leave me alone? I didn't like that. I knew the wolf got me more riled up this close to the full moon, usually I was good at handling it, but as the wolf grew it was getting more difficult. Was I being too harsh on Sirius? I couldn't recall a time that he had flat out lied to me and he did kiss me and take me to New Orleans. Maybe I was just overreacting.

"Don't go," I hugged him, "I'm sorry for accusing you."

"It's okay," Sirius said.

How could he just accept my less than stellar actions? I hugged him to me tighter.

* * *

 **Moony's POV**

I ran straight to the window, searching for gray eyes. He was here, I liked that he was always here.

I remembered what happened last time, how he came into the shack, how I could smell him, how I couldn't get to him.

I mewed. Would he come inside again? I hoped so. I wouldn't overreact tonight, I wouldn't. I'd be good. I'd show him and the boy.

I paced back and forth, gray eyes didn't move. He just stared at me. He didn't talk either. I missed his soft voice.

I howled. I mewed. I groaned. I whimpered. I did everything, trying to tempt him to come into the shack.

I wouldn't hurt him, I wouldn't. He still didn't come.

I'd hurt myself, yes, I'd hurt myself. He'd come running then. He'd have to, but what if he didn't?

I looked at my arms. They were covered in bite marks and one of my biceps had a large piece of red, tender, yet to scar skin. I did this last time. I hurt the boy bad.

I felt sad. My arms still hurt and it had been a long time since I was out. How much pain did the boy feel? I was the one who bit him and then I got to leave. That didn't seem fair.

I could hurt him again though, just not as bad, just enough to make gray eyes come into the shack. It would work, it had to, but what if it didn't?

I growled loudly. I didn't like all these thoughts. I just wanted to be driven by my anger. Death, destruction, pain and punishment, that was me.

I shouldn't be this self-aware. I shouldn't care. I shouldn't be thinking complex thoughts. What was happened to me? What had the boy done?

I caught a glint in my reflection of the window. There was something around my neck, I hadn't noticed it before. What was that? What was around my neck?

I liked to be naked. I didn't want to be wearing anything.

I reached up with my claws extended and put them underneath the necklace. I grabbed the chain and pulled and pulled and pulled, but nothing happened.

I growled in frustration. I just wanted it off. It had to be the thing that was making me feel these things. I didn't want to be this way. I didn't want to think so much.

I tried harder and harder, but still nothing.

I gave up. I was worthless. The boy was the one in charge and he always would be. Whatever he forced on me would be forced.

I collapsed at the base of the stairs, laying on my side. I didn't care anymore, what was the point?

I would always be locked up. Gray eyes would never be mine or be able to be with me. I would always live in the light of the full moon whereas the boy got to live in every other kind of light.

It wasn't fair.

I heard a noise and I didn't bother to look.

I smelled the sweet scent, but I didn't bother to investigate it.

I felt the night air wash over me, but I was done.

"Look at me," gray eyes said.

I craned my neck, thinking it must be all in my head.

I saw gray eyes, he was in the shack again, but what was the point?

I put my head back down and closed my eyes. His scent continued to assault me, it was so heady and it sparked something deep inside me.

"Come over here," Russ said.

I looked at him again. He was here, it was what I wanted.

I slowly stood up and approached him warily.

"That's it," he smiled, "it's okay. Come closer."

I got as close as I could, until the barrier wouldn't allow me to get any closer.

I could smell him better now. So sweet, so mouthwatering. I wanted him, couldn't I have him?

I wouldn't eat him, I just wanted to be with him, like with the jacket.

I could feel the saliva pooling in my mouth and dripping down my chin, okay, so maybe I would eat him, but just one taste, a lick even. Couldn't I taste him just once?

I mewed and started pacing. I could feel my anger rising. This was a cruel trick. Why would he come so close when I couldn't even be with him? It wasn't fair.

I was growling now, moving faster. Back and forth along the wards. I knew I couldn't break through them, so it wasn't worth the effort.

"Yes," Russ said, "get mad. We can't be together, we never can, but I get to be with Remus. I hug him, I kiss him, I love him. We spend almost every minute together, but you don't get that and you never will."

I stopped pacing and growled ferociously at him. Why was he saying these things to me?

"Yes," Russ said, "feel the anger, feed the anger, let it takeover."

I could feel my breathing pick up and I was grunting. I was angry, it was all gray eyes fault. Why would he want me to be angry? The boy didn't like my anger.

I'd never been this angry before. Gray eyes was taunting me, fueling my anger.

I needed to do something, I needed to hurt someone. I wanted to hurt gray eyes, but it was impossible. I'd have to hurt the boy instead. I didn't want to, but I had no choice.

I turned my back. I didn't want gray eyes to see what I am, what I'd always be.

I was ashamed. I didn't want to hurt the boy, but I was too angry and I knew this was the only way I'd calm down.

I extended my claws, anger still flowing through my veins. I steady myself and my mind, this was it.

"Woof." What was that noise?

I turned around and Russ wasn't there anymore. Gray eyes was, but it was a different gray eyes. Padfoot?

I looked around the shack, looking for the toy like me. I found it. Two Padfoot's?

I abandoned the toy and went back over to the new Padfoot. He was a black shaggy dog with gray eyes. He was like me. He was alive.

"Woof." He made another noise. Padfoot made a noise. Had the toy come alive? Where did the Russ go?

I found none of it mattered. Padfoot was real. My anger disappeared completely.

I knelt down, staring into his familiar gray eyes.

I breathed in deep. He smelled the same, so sweet, so mouthwatering.

I don't know what happened or where Russ went, but I liked this new Padfoot.

I felt calm. I felt content. I felt love.


	99. Padfoot's POV

**Padfoot's POV**

I watched Moony intently. I had learned from my past mistakes, I knew how quickly he could switch emotions and I wanted no harm to come to Remus. I was taking my time, weighing up all the options. Moony wasn't angry, he was just staring at me with slightly wide eyes, his mouth slack, tongue almost rolling out. He was just staring, doing nothing.

I had come this far, I knew I had to breach the barrier. I knew Moony would never hurt me. Newt Scamander had backed up my theory. Werewolves only wanted to hurt and kill humans, not animals, they were too alike. Rensen only got bitten because he wasn't aware enough to stay away from Moony's things, but I wouldn't make that mistake.

I steeled myself and walked through the wards. I'd taken the time during the past couple of weeks to ensure that I could get past Dumbledore's wards without letting Moony out. I'd taken so many precautions with this and now there was nothing left but to test everything out. I needed to see if my theories worked, but even then, even if everything went smoothly, I couldn't tell Remus because he was so against me being in the same place as Moony. It wasn't worth the fight, not yet.

I'd made it through the impenetrable wall and Moony cocked his head to the side. I was in the same space as him and he didn't move, he just stood there, staring. He bowed his head submissively, his eyes never leaving me, and then he just waited. I moved slowly, always alert, always aware, ready to run out of the wards if needed, but Moony didn't do anything. He was calm.

I stood right in front of him. I was in awe with a small amount of fear running through me. Moony wasn't a full-sized werewolf yet, but he looked powerful and ferocious even in his submissive, non-threatening position. It wasn't hard to see why all werewolves got a bad rap and why most werewolves became bad because of that perception. I knew that Moony was a deadly being and not to be underestimated. He could be just waiting for his shot to kill me, so I needed to stay alert.

I was so close to him now. Moony sniffed the air. We were close enough to touch. I sat in front of him and just waited. Moony cocked his head to the side, but did nothing, then he reached his paw towards me, like a handshake, but stopped midway. I stared at it for a beat before reaching my own paw towards him. Our paws touched and Moony pulled his back instantly, scampering over to the corner. I dropped my paw and simply watched him as he mewed. He was facing away from me, but he kept glancing over his shoulder at me.

I barked, wondering if Moony could understand me. He didn't reply. I barked again and he mewed. I didn't know what that meant, but I could understand the whining tone. I had to keep trying. I found Moony's ball on the ground and picked it up with my mouth. He wasn't watching me, so I took my chance and flicked my head, throwing the ball towards him. It hit the floor nearby and bounced until it came to a stop. The sound had gained his attention, but I could tell he was still weary.

I walked towards the ball, keeping a close eye on Moony, but he didn't seem to feel territorial over the ball. Perhaps it was just a toy to him, it mustn't have any personal meaning. I threw the ball again and Moony watched it, but nothing happened. This time, I threw the ball and chased after it, batting it, biting it. I hadn't spent much time in my dog form, but I couldn't help but play right now, it just felt right.

I got so caught up in my little game that I didn't notice that Moony had turned around to watch me. He was sitting nicely, watching me enthralled. I could tell he wanted to join me, but he held back and I wasn't sure why. I picked up the ball in my mouth again and nudged it towards Moony with my nose. He reached out with his paw and batted it away. I chased after it, fetching it. I dropped it in front of him again. He batted it, harder this time. I gave chase again.

I was getting tired, but I was determined to get Moony to play with me. I walked closer this time, with the ball in my mouth, and dropped it right at his feet. I stared up at him and barked. He looked confused. I barked again and Moony gave in. He batted the ball away again, but this time he gave chase too.

We ran, side-by-side, fighting for the ball. Pushing and clawing and biting, all in the name of fun. I was giving as good as I got, and before long, we were both too tired to continue. We laid down, panting and licking our injuries. I was licking my front leg, it was bleeding. Moony had gotten me good, but I wasn't worried about it.

Moony whined by his spot at the stairs, but I didn't know what he wanted. He whined again and shifted towards me without moving from his spot. I got up and walked over to him. He whined again, so I laid down on my side and he whined no more, he seemed content. He shifted closer to me, sniffing my bleeding front leg. I didn't pull away and Moony started licking my injury. When he was done with that one, he found some more. I wondered if I should do the same for him, but I didn't feel like it, so I didn't.

Moony finished licking me and his head shot up as he scanned the room. I wondered what he was looking for. His eyes paused on something in the corner and I noticed it was my dragon hide jacket. I watched him intently as he realized he didn't need it, not with me here. He laid back down and wriggled himself closer to me. I didn't move and Moony snuggled in close, burying his nose in my shaggy black fur.

And that's how we fell asleep, snuggled close, fur against fur.


	100. Like Moony, Like Remus

**Like Moony, Like Remus**

I woke up and my head was so fuzzy. What happened last night? I sat up against the stairs as I waited for everything to settle down. As I waited, I noticed two curious things. One, Sirius' jacket was still across the other side of the room where I left it, I almost always woke up with it covering me. And two, I had a selection of cuts, bruises and bite marks, but something seemed off about them.

I studied all my injuries, they were different, but similar. Had Moony hurt me in a different way? They weren't too deep, maybe that's why. What happened last night? I was stiff and sore. I cracked my neck trying to remember, but it was just gone. I decided to get up, if it was going to come back to me then it would, I'd just have to be patient in the meantime.

I got dressed and looked around the shack. I felt like I was missing something, but I couldn't put my finger on it. I decided it didn't matter. I left and Poppy was waiting at the tree for me. I smiled at her and she handed me a chocolate bar which I ate immediately. We talked and I told her I was a little banged up, but had nothing major. She insisted I come to the hospital wing and I agreed.

It was weird, but I didn't feel negative this morning. Usually when Moony hurt me I'd be upset, but I wasn't this time and I wasn't sure why. Maybe I was just starting to accept that he'd always end up hurting me, but I didn't feel like that was it. Why was everything extra confusing today?

Poppy fussed over me, rubbing some kind of paste on my shallow cuts and bites marks. I could tell she thought something was off too as she took a second look at the bite marks, but she said nothing, she just shook her head and continued on. She got her wand out and did some more healing on my bicep, the one that got injured last time. It stung, but I said nothing. Transforming into the wolf had stretched the skin, so it was leaking slightly, but Poppy fixed that in no time and then I was on my way. My orders were to go straight to bed and I wasn't going to go against them.

Classes were already in session and when I made it to Gryffindor Tower, I went straight for our dorm room. I went into my usual routine of throwing Sirius' jacket on his bed and getting everything sorted. Sometimes I changed into my pajamas, sometimes I didn't, it usually depended on how tired I was. Today I decided to change into pajama pants, but I was feeling brave and I kept my shirt off. Poppy had bandaged my bicep, but aside from that, my scars were on show. I examined them. I felt as though they didn't bother me as much, but that didn't make sense either. Sleep, I needed sleep.

I pulled back the covers and got into bed, doing my usual thing and turning towards Sirius' bed. I liked to looked at him before I went to sleep, even in the darkness when I couldn't see him, I imagined him being so close. Sirius never made his bed, so it took me a second to realize that there was a Sirius-shaped lump under his covers. I was comfortable and really too tired to move, but something was pushing me to get up and join him.

I groaned and threw my covers off and padded across the floor to Sirius' bed. I pulled the covers back and Sirius was there. I frowned, why wasn't he in class? Was he sick? I pulled the covers back further. He appeared to be sleeping peacefully and that was odd too. Sirius usually looked in pain when he slept, bad dreams I had always suspected, but he looked calm now, he even had a slight smile on his face. It was odd.

I really was too tired, but I knew I wanted to be close when Sirius woke up. If he was sick, which I'd never seen him sick before, I wanted to be here if he needed anything. I climbed onto his bed and in my sleepy state, I crushed our chests together, holding him close as I buried my nose in his hair, breathing in deep. This is where I was supposed to be and I didn't even care if we were caught.


	101. Aftermath

**Aftermath**

I was half-asleep when I felt an arm wrap around my stomach and pull me close. I would've panicked, but I was surrounded by Sirius' scent so I knew it was him. I had no idea what time it was, but we must've shifted positions. My nose was no longer buried in his hair and Sirius was holding me tightly. I laced my fingers with his and wrapped his arm even tighter around me.

Sleep found me again and I wasn't awoken until Sirius shifted again. I made myself wake up this time because this wasn't like Sirius at all. He never spent the day in bed, was he sick? I wriggled in his arms, attempting to loosen his tight grip on me. I didn't make much room, but it was enough for me to turn around in his arms. My eyes were half closed, but there Sirius lay, still sleeping peacefully.

I freed one of my arms and rubbed my eyes, blinking. Sirius became clear and I smiled. He looked so sweet when he was sleeping and he looked peaceful now too which hardly ever happened. Sometimes when he was with me I'd catch this look on his face, but then some worry would cross his mind and it'd be gone just as quick. Not now though, Sirius had been content for hours, but why?

I ran my hand through his hair, selfishly wanting him to wake up and talk to me. I wanted answers. I knew I should let him sleep, especially seeing as he seemed worry-free for the first time since I'd met him, but I just couldn't help it. I was lonely and he'd been asleep for way too long. Plus, if he was sick, we needed to do something about it. I ran my hand through his hair and rubbed his scalp until his eyes opened and focused on me.

Sirius smiled, pulling me closer to him and kissing my lips. It was a short kiss, but it was so sweet and so pure. Sirius still had no worries. What was going on? I returned his smile and his kiss.

"Morning," Sirius said.

I laughed. "I think it's a little later than that," I told him and he looked out the window, frowning slightly. No, I didn't want him to start worrying again. "Why are you still in bed?" I asked.

Something washed over his face. No, I was losing him. Couldn't he stay at peace forever? Why was his life so complicated?

"I didn't get much sleep last night," Sirius answered.

"So, you're not sick?" I asked.

"Not that I know of," Sirius said. "What about you? How are you? How did last night go?" Sirius' eyes never left mine, usually he looked me over, checking for injuries, but not today.

"Good," I said. "I don't remember what happened, but what injuries I have are minor. Poppy got me sorted."

Something washed over Sirius again and he became carefree again. What was going on with him?

"What's going on with you?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" Sirius questioned, his worry back again. It changed too quickly.

"You seem," I started, but paused, "dare I say it… Content."

Sirius was thoughtful for a moment. "I guess I am," he said, smiling slightly, "I just, I was working on something major and it just, went perfectly."

"What is it?" I asked. "I hope it's not a Christmas gift for me because I've gotten you nothing."

"Remy, don't get me anything," Sirius warned me, "and no, this wasn't a Christmas gift for you. I have no gifts for you this year, I'm trying something new."

No gifts? Well, that sucked. Sirius laughed.

"Don't worry," he said, "you'll still get something, it just won't be a physical gift."

What did that even mean?

"You don't have much longer to wait," Sirius said, still holding me tightly, "and guess what, James and Peter are heading home, so we'll have a week where we can be just us without having to worry about my mother finding out."

"What about now?" I asked suddenly. Peter could come in at any moment, he might have already.

"James' cloak," Sirius said, calming my worries instantly. "I kept it close in case you decided to join me, don't worry, no one can see us right now."

I smiled, Sirius was too thoughtful. "You know I love you, right?"

"I do," he said, "and you know I love you, right?"

"I do."

I decided not to say anymore. Sirius hardly ever declared his love, I knew it was because love was most likely a new concept to him, so I wasn't going to push him. I knew he loved me, I didn't need to hear him say it, but I would appreciate it every time he did.

"Where's Rensen?" I asked, yawning.

"I sent him to deliver a letter."

"When?"

"Last night."

"Who are you mailing that late?" I asked. "I thought you would've wanted him to keep you company without me here."

Sirius' eyes drilled into mine. "I wasn't alone," he told me, then he blinked and the spell was broken. "I was sending a letter to Newt," he said, "asking him those things you were wondering about, that physiology stuff."

Right, I was going to mail him, but Sirius was the one who had the relationship with him, so I asked him to. I'd read all of Sirius and Newt's letters and it was clear they had made a connection and Sirius was surprisingly good at pretending to be a werewolf. He gave Newt just enough to keep him answering his questions which mainly pertained to the wolf and the potential that animals could be around it during the full moon. I knew Sirius was just doing it because he desperately wanted to be with me during the change, but I'd never allow that. He meant too much to me and if I ever killed him, maimed him, or even hurt him, then I'd never forgive myself.

Sirius smiled sadly at me.

"What?" I asked him.

"Nothing."

I missed carefree him. Would there ever be a day where he no longer had to worry about anything? I hoped so, but I was doubtful, especially with me being a werewolf. We were cursed for life.

"I love you," Sirius said, kissing me again.

My heart beat faster and I smiled so widely. That was two declarations of love. Maybe I didn't miss carefree him that much. I loved this side of him too, all sides really. I just loved him too much and that's why he would never get the chance to meet Moony.


	102. Don't Cross Me

**Don't Cross Me**

Christmas break had barely started and I already couldn't keep the smile off my face. I wasn't sure what was going on with Sirius, he was still acting odd, but he kept having his worry-free moments too. I know he said he had been working on a project and that it had gone well, but I couldn't understand how that would have such a drastic impact on him. I tried asking him about it, but he'd just smile and tell me not to worry about it. In the end, I dropped it because I was just glad he was feeling positive.

The moment James and Peter had left for break, Sirius set some kind of locking charm up that only allowed us to enter our dorm room. It made it so that this was our own personal haven. We hadn't done much yet, but just seeing Sirius relax fully was something in itself. I would catch him looking at me for no reason, he was smiling more often than not, scribbling down in some kind of notebook. I mainly sat in the window well with Rensen, just watching Sirius.

I still couldn't believe how lucky I was. I loved Sirius Black and he loved me back. It seemed like a dream, too good to be true, and that had me worried. Surely this couldn't last. I know we'd already been through some bumps in the road, but what if there was more? And was Lily right? Was Sirius just my first love and nothing more? I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, but what did I know? Maybe this was just for now. If it was, I wasn't going to waste it.

I sat Rensen on the window well and joined Sirius on his bed. He was lying on his stomach and he looked back at me before writing in his notebook again. I glanced at it over his shoulder, but it all seemed like gibberish to me. This had happened before with his work and I wondered if he was using some kind of muddling charm. I wouldn't put it past him, Sirius liked his privacy. Maybe it was a diary. I couldn't imagine Sirius keeping one, but maybe.

"Russ?" I questioned and he grunted his reply. "I know you love me, but do you think there's anyone else out there for us?"

"What do you mean?" he asked, never stopping writing down whatever he was doing.

"I don't know, I just, I love you so much and I think you're it for me, but it seems impossible. We're so young, we're still growing and changing. What if we fall out of love or something? I don't know. I just… I've never met anyone who's stayed together for a long time."

"Just because you haven't seen it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist," Sirius said.

That wasn't helpful.

"Do you like other boys?" I asked him. "Like, umm, that Muggle boy you kissed on your birthday?"

Sirius sighed. "Remy, leave it alone. We're doing well, it doesn't need to be questioned or even make sense. We're happy and that's all that matters."

"But what about Peter?" I asked. "We can't hide for another four years only relying on New Orleans and our breaks where Peter's safely away."

"I'm working on that," Sirius said, still writing.

"You are?"

"Yeah."

I groaned. "Care to tell me what you're planning?"

"Not really."

"Sirius," I pleaded.

"I don't want you to get your hopes up," Sirius said, "it mightn't work yet, it's a very complex spell."

His reasoning hit me like a Bludger.

"Russ," I said, reaching forward and shutting his notebook, he finally looked at me with no distractions, "we're together, right?"

He eyed me critically. "Right," he agreed.

"You don't have to do everything alone anymore," I told him. "I can help you, like with your map of Hogwarts. Whatever this plan is, it involves me too, I want it just as much as you. I can help and if it fails, who cares, we'll just keep trying. Let me in, I know it's hard for you, but please try."

Sirius stared at me, saying nothing, and then he turned back to his notebook. I wanted to throttle him. He was so frustrating at times and I loved him, what was I thinking? Sirius flipped to a page and then whispered something and the words on the page changed.

"This is my plan," he said, throwing the notebook at me.

The words suddenly made sense. I read it greedily. Sirius was working on some kind of spell where every time we were touching and Peter looked at us, he saw nothing. There was also a backup spell that made it as though he couldn't physically look in our direction. Both had potential. We do a lot of this kind of problem solving in Flitwick's club, so I gave it a quick thought to see if I could come up with anything better.

"How about we just make him blind permanently," I suggested, "deaf too whilst we're at it."

Sirius shook his head, taking his notebook back and rejumbling his words. "You need to let that go," Sirius said, "you got your revenge, Peter's given you back more chocolate bars than he took. We can't harm him, that's not fair."

Sirius was right. I decided he could work on the spell by himself. I just wanted to harm Peter and we couldn't have that.

"Are you ever going to forgive him?" Sirius asked, scribbling in his notebook again. I wondered if it held more spells and plans, it probably did. "He stole one chocolate bar, Remy."

"Yeah, but it was for you and he ruined everything."

"I think the fact that I don't like chocolate ruined everything," Sirius said. "Wait, are you overreacting this much because it was for me?" Sirius asked. "If it was your chocolate bar, would you have been this mad, this vengeful?"

Would I? Probably not. I could always get myself more chocolate and Merlin knows I eat too much of it as it is. I was only mad because it was for Sirius and Peter ruined everything. Maybe Sirius was onto something. Yes, Peter was a rat for stealing it, but it was a simple mistake. How come I couldn't see it that way? I now knew that my feelings for Sirius were clearly driving this, but why couldn't I move past it?

I still hadn't tried to get to know Peter, Sirius had, but he was good at playing the part. I didn't see the point. Yes, Peter was our dorm mate and classmate, James' friend, but so what? That didn't mean I had to like him or get along with him. Maybe we were just two different people.

"Would you still love me if I never forgave him?" I asked Sirius. "If I never became his friend?"

"I guess," Sirius said, "but holding grudges like this eats up your mind, Remy, it's simpler just to forgive and move on."

I didn't think it was eating up my mind. Sure, I got a little angry when I looked at him and when he did something that annoyed me, but Moony was driven by anger, so what was a little more? I didn't think it was an issue.

"Let me ask you this," Sirius said, turning to face me, "if I betrayed you, if I went against something you said, something you felt strongly about, would you forgive me?"

That was too complex. If Sirius had stolen the chocolate then of course I would forgive him, but if it was something else, I wasn't sure.

"It depends on what you did, I guess." But did it matter? If I loved Sirius wouldn't I forgive him regardless? When he entered the shack and not only risked his life, but made Moony injure himself, well, I forgave him, but I think that had a big part to do with the fact that Sirius was in my body afterwards, he had to deal with the pain, he was forced to learn his lesson. What if he hadn't been forced? Would I still have forgiven him? This was too hard. What did it even matter?

"Just don't cross me," I told him, "and we never have to find out."

Sirius stared at me for a beat before turning back to his notebook.


	103. Curious Injuries

**Curious Injuries**

"What's that?" I asked, catching a glimpse of something on Sirius' arm.

"What's what?" he said, turning away from me.

"That." I grabbed his arm and inspected it, but there was nothing there.

"What?" Sirius said, eyes drilling into mine.

That was curious. I swear I could see something. "Umm," I let his arm go, "nothing." It must've been the light or something. "What are we going to do today?"

"Whatever we want," Sirius said, laying on his bed, arms behind his head. "What do you want to do?" he asked me.

I had no idea, but I knew Sirius would give me anything. "We could finish your map," I suggested.

"Think bigger," Sirius said, "we can do that anytime. Come on, Remy."

I played with my necklace as I thought about it. Sirius watched my actions curiously.

"I don't know," I said. I hated being put on the spot.

Sirius' eyes met mine. "There's really nothing you want to do?" he questioned. "You don't want to go to New Orleans." Oh. "Or get some chocolate cake from Buttons in the kitchen. What about spending time with Nix, I heard he didn't go home for Christmas." How did Sirius have so many good ideas when I had none. "We could take Rensen to visit Hagrid. We could visit Irma. We could do something together." His eyes drilled into mine. "You know, because we're alone and we haven't had time to do much."

Right. So many options, too many.

"What do you want to do?" Sirius asked again.

I thought about it, but then something hit me, why was this my decision?

"What do you want to do?" I asked.

"Whatever you want to do," Sirius answered automatically.

"No," I said, refusing to accept that, "your opinions matter too. Tell me what you want to do."

"I just want to be with you," Sirius said, "I don't care what we do."

"But you should," I said, "I know your mother ruled your life, but she's not here right now and I'm not going to let you off anymore," I told him, "it's time for you to put yourself first."

"I do," Sirius said, "more than you know."

"Then this should be simple," I said, "what do you want to do right now?"

I could see Sirius was struggling with this, but it was time for him to learn that his opinions mattered too.

"I want to go to the kitchen and ask Buttons to make you some chocolate concoction that I know you'll drool over, then we can take it outside near the lake and I can watch you eat it as Rensen flies nearby. Then maybe we can visit someone. Hagrid, Irma, Nix, McGonagall, I don't care. And then I want to bring you back here and kiss you senseless."

It didn't escape my attention that what Sirius wanted to do was what he had suggested to me.

"But first," he said, "I need to show you something."

He held his arm out, the one I thought I'd seen something on. He muttered something and then I saw the red cut running down the length of his forearm. When had this happened? Why was he hiding it? Did this mean I could hide my scars as well? What happened to him? I carefully took his arm and looked at it. It looked nasty, but it was healing.

"Did you see Poppy about this?" I asked.

"No," Sirius said, "Irma. She's been teaching me some simple healing spells, you know, for our future."

Our future? …Right, I would always be a werewolf, I would always be injuring myself and Poppy wouldn't always be around to fix me up. I couldn't believe Sirius was learning that for me, it was incredibly sweet, but why was he hurt and why was he hiding it? Why tell me now?

"What happened?" I asked.

"I'm not sure exactly," Sirius said, "I wasn't paying attention and then I got it caught on something, I don't know."

Something didn't sit right with me, Sirius was covering for something. You didn't get an injury this bad and not know how it happened.

"Did someone hurt you?" I asked, thinking the worst. Had his mother sent someone to punish him? Something else? Then something else hit me, Sirius was cursed not to forget, he knew exactly how this injury happened, but he didn't want to tell me. "Why are you showing me?" I asked. "You were clearly trying to hide it from me and now you're giving me some bullshit answer about how it happened. If you don't want to tell me, fine, but why bother with this charade? You should've just kept it hidden."

"I couldn't," Sirius said quietly, "it takes constant vigilance to do that and I already slipped up, you saw it just before. I knew I needed to come clean."

"Yet you won't tell me how it happened."

"Someone hurt me," Sirius whispered.

How dare they. The anger rose inside me and it only intensified when Sirius pulled his shirt off and I could see he was covered in bruises and other small cuts. Who did this to him? I was going to find them and they were going to suffer.

"Who?" I asked.

Sirius shook his head. "I can't tell you."

"Why not?"

Sirius pulled his shirt back on. "I knew you'd get protective over me, but trust me when I say you can't hurt this person."

"Was it your mother?" I asked.

"No. ...Remy, this is one of those things you need to drop. I'm fine, I will heal."

Did he not understand that I couldn't do that?

"What if it was me?" I said. "What if I was the one with the injuries and you didn't know who caused them?"

"But that is you," Sirius said, "every month and I don't go after Moony."

"That's because that's different," I told him, "I hurt myself, I can't help it, but you didn't do that to yourself. Why can't you tell me? Is it embarrassing?"

"Please don't make me lie to you, Remy," he said, "I can't tell you, not yet. I just… I couldn't keep it hidden any longer."

"I love you, Russ," I said, "so fucking much and seeing you hurt is killing me, the wolf inside me wants vengeance."

"But you can't get vengeance," Sirius said, "can't you see that?"

"I can," I told him, "just tell me who it is and I'll make them pay."

"This isn't you," he said.

"Oh, but it is, I'm a werewolf, I always will be. Moony loves you and he wants to avenge you. It's as simple as that. It doesn't matter who it is, Moony or me, we both want vengeance for this."

"But you can't," Sirius said, "it's impossible."

Why? Had he hurt himself? Oh, please tell me that wasn't it.

"Did you do this to yourself?" I asked. "Do you want to die again? I thought you were doing better. I know your mind broke, but you're talking to Irma now, aren't you doing better?"

"It was you," Sirius said quietly yet strongly, "you did this to me."

What? That couldn't be right. I felt the sides closing in around me as I sat on my bed. I had hurt Sirius? When? I would never do that. The injuries were too extensive. …Moony. No. Sirius told me he never crossed the wards. Moony had hurt me, he bit my arms, he didn't do anything to Sirius. Wait, we were body switched and Sirius did have these injuries, he had no pain in his body, but that would mean…

"What did you do?" I asked him.

Why would he go back to see Moony? I thought he had learned his lesson. None of this made any sense.

"What did you do?" I asked again when he wouldn't answer. He wouldn't meet my eyes either.

Sirius closed his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. He started muttering to himself. I didn't want this, it reminded me too much of right before his mind broke. But I needed answers. Why was he with Moony? How did Moony hurt him? Why wasn't he dead? Why wouldn't he leave this alone?

"What did you do?"

Sirius lifted his head. His eyes were closed and his face held so much pain.

His eyes opened, meeting mine. "I'm Padfoot," he said.

What? That made no sense.

Sirius stood up, still looking at me. He sighed and then _pop_ , he was no longer there, but there was a real life Padfoot instead. What? How? Why? Sirius had black shaggy fur with his gray eyes. He just sat there, looking at me with his puppy dog eyes. I could admit that it was hard to stay mad at him in this form. He looked so cute and cuddly, but I was mad at him. He went back to Moony, in dog form I now assumed, that's why he wasn't killed, but why would he risk himself like that? Moony had hurt him. Why couldn't he see how dangerous this was?

Padfoot walked towards me, his head tilted down slightly. He sat down in front of me and rested his chin on my lap, looking up at me with his gray eyes. I tried to hold onto my anger, but it was impossible with Sirius in his dog form. My anger floated away and my hand found its way into Sirius' soft fur, patting him behind his ears.

"This isn't over," I warned him, "we will be discussing this."

Padfoot's eyes widened, sucking me further under his spell.

"Don't look at me like that."

Sirius whined, shifting closer to me. Screw it, we could deal with this all later because right now I was going to pet Padfoot. I was going to give Sirius the affection he had always craved but was too afraid to accept in his human form.


	104. A Boy and His Dog

**A Boy and His Dog**

"You can't avoid this forever," I said, snuggling further into Padfoot's warm, soft side. We were lying on my bed and Sirius was still in his Animagus form.

He wasn't stupid, I knew that, but Sirius was testing my patience. It had been a day and a half since Sirius revealed his Animagus side to me and he hadn't changed back since. He knew I was mad at him for visiting Moony again, but in his dog form, all he had to do was stare at me with those big gray eyes, whine, shuffle closer to me and even lick me. The last one was kind of gross, but Padfoot seemed to enjoy it.

I was certain he would've changed back by now, but I underestimated him. He knew he'd done wrong, he gave me this cute guilty look anytime I brought it up, then he'd pull out his tricks. I ran my hand through his soft fur. I had never had a pet before Rensen and although Rensen let us give him some affection, it was completely different to hug something as big as Padfoot.

I loved snuggling him, he smelled the same, but it was different, better in some ways. He didn't fight my advances in his dog form, nor could he tell me to stop, and until he manned up and became human again, I was going to take and give as much affection as I could. I pulled him closer to me, burying my nose in his black fur.

"You're a good puppy," I cooed, "such a good boy."

Padfoot's tail wagged and it made me smile. I had never thought much about what Sirius' Animagus form would be. I never wanted him to be with Moony, so I had never entertained the idea, but now, seeing him as a dog, well, it just fit. He was regal and loyal in both forms. I could give him affection which his human self didn't freely accept often enough, but his dog form did. Even silly things like how his mother made him eat on the floor now had an added layer.

I wasn't sure how you got your Animagi form. I didn't know if it was random, subconsciously a part of everyone, or if you could have a say in what you became. Part of me thought that maybe you got a say because it was crazy how much Sirius looked like my stuffed dog Padfoot, and they had the same name. It was freaky, but nice. If Sirius would face the music, I could actually ask him.

The funny thing is, I wasn't as mad anymore. I was a little and I would be when the next full moon arrived and Sirius would undoubtedly try and visit Moony as Padfoot, but right now, I was content. I was just a boy with his dog. A dog I loved with all my heart. I was actually surprised I liked him in this form so much as I struggled when Sirius was me, but I loved Padfoot too. He was Sirius, just a furry Sirius.

I laughed, I couldn't help it. This was so weird and I was so happy. Did dogs make people happy? I had no idea, but he did seem to putting me under some kind of spell. Padfoot turned towards me, his tongue sticking out, it looked like he was smiling. Merlin, he was too cute. I leaned forward and kissed his head. It was slightly weird, yet slightly not. I didn't feel the need to kiss him properly in this form, but a small peck to show my affection here and there should be fine.

"Merlin, I love you," I said and Padfoot barked. "You know, I can't understand you when you do that," I told him.

But he could understand me, right? I assumed it was the same as when we body switched. Sirius' mind was still there, just in a different body. Did he do dog things now though? If only I had my ball from the shack, the one Moony liked to play with.

I let go of Padfoot and looked around, there had to be something I could use. I saw the wooden sphere and I knew I shouldn't, but I did. I picked it up, held it in front of Padfoot's face and then I threw it. It didn't bounce, it just hit the floor with a loud thud and started rolling across the stone floor. Padfoot sat up, his ears moving backwards, as he watched the ball eagerly. I could tell he wanted to chase it, but he didn't leave my side.

"Come on, boy," I said, "fetch the ball, you can do it."

Padfoot looked at me and I swear I could see him roll his eyes.

"What's wrong, Padfoot?" I asked. "Go get it and bring it back here. Look at it, it's just waiting for you."

Padfoot looked back at the ball. He was itching to get it, but he still didn't move. What was his problem?

"Are you a bad dog?" I asked and I could just imagine him rolling his eyes again. "Go get it, Pads."

Padfoot jumped off the bed and gingerly walked over to the ball. He stopped and looked at me. He looked so unimpressed. I fell onto my back, laughing freely. This is what he gets for staying in his Animagus form and not facing me. He was just about to pick up the sphere in his mouth when he thought better of it. There was a pop and then Sirius was back. He bent down and picked up the sphere in his hand. He still didn't look impressed.

"That was not funny," Sirius said, "did you not learn your lesson about this sphere? Do I need to take it off you again?"

"No," I said, still smiling, "but I want you to know something."

"What?" Sirius asked, putting the sphere on the nightstand in between our beds.

I knelt on the bed so I was closer to his height, amusement coursing through me. Sirius looked at me warily.

"You're a good boy," I told him, rubbing the top of his head and mucking up his hair, "such a good boy."

Sirius groaned and I smiled widely.


	105. Tabling It

**Tabling It**

Sirius looked at me with his gray eyes and all I could see now was his puppy dog eyes which made no sense as he wasn't in that form currently. I missed Padfoot, I really did. Sirius wasn't half-bad either. He was still trying to pull off all his tricks, the main one being him trying to look guilty, but they didn't work quite as well.

"You know what," I told him, "we're going to table this."

"What does that mean?" Sirius asked.

"I'm mad at you," I told him, "really angry actually, but I don't want to get into all of this right now. I just want to spend time with you, and Padfoot, and celebrate Christmas break together. It can all wait."

Sirius had the most curious look on his face. "I don't understand," he said, "so, we're not discussing this now, but we will be?"

I nodded my head.

"I don't like that," Sirius said, "let's just get it over and done with. I did wrong, I went against your wishes and I understand that, but I wasn't reckless about it. You biting your arms was unfortunate and I had to deal with that, but can't you see this was needed. I worry so much when you're off on the full moon, it tears me up inside not knowing what you're going through, not knowing how bad Moony will hurt you. These," Sirius pulled his shirt off again so I could see all his injuries, "I'll take these if it means Moony doesn't hurt you."

"We're not talking about this now," I told him, stepping away.

Things were starting to make sense. Why my injuries were different this time, it was because they were from Padfoot, not Moony. But Moony had hurt him too. I could see now that Moony had held back, but he still hurt Sirius.

"Why wait?" Sirius asked. "Let's just get this over and done with. Why are you mad?"

I didn't want to do this right now. I went for the door, but Sirius stopped me.

"Tell me," he pressed, "let's get this done."

My eyes met his. "It's because I hurt you," I whispered, "you shouldn't have to go through that on top of everything else."

"But don't you see it," Sirius said, "I was there, I wasn't helplessly stuck in this dorm room. I was there and I helped him, I did. We played, that's the only reason why we got injured. We were both excited and that overtook us at times. Look at us, we're okay, we're banged up, but we're okay. Don't overthink this, don't take this away from Moony. He doesn't have to be alone, not anymore."

Sirius was making sense, but I still didn't like it.

"What if he kills you?" I asked. "What if I kill you? That would kill me. You go through so much already, Russ, and I don't want to put you through anymore."

"How can I make you understand?" Sirius muttered to himself, stepping away. I watched him.

"Yes," he exclaimed, turning back to me. "This summer," he told me, "I will be back with my mother." My face paled. "Yes," Sirius said, "I will be there and I will most likely be punished and you can't do anything about it. All you can do is worry about me. Now, imagine there was a way you could be there, a way you could be with me, a way to talk with me, a way to help keep me safe. It might end up hurting you too, but you'd be there with me. You'd take it, wouldn't you?" Sirius asked, but he didn't wait for me to answer. "That's why I want to be with Moony so much, I need to be. It's not because I like that side of you, it's because I need to be there to make sure you come back to me safe."

I saw the tears in Sirius' eyes as he turned from me.

He was right, about everything. If I could be there with him for his mother, I would be, no matter the cost. I didn't want him to go through everything alone. I could see just how much this was affecting him. I never really thought about what he must go through. I only had to worry about Sirius' mother during the summer, but Sirius had to worry about me every month. ...I was cursing him, but I couldn't look at it like that. Sirius' decision to be with me wasn't mine, it was his.

I stepped towards him and hugged him from behind.

"Okay," I whispered, "we can try it, but if you get hurt badly, it all stops. I don't care what you say, that's final. I will not be responsible for your death, it would kill me."

Sirius turned and hugged me tightly, burying his face against my shoulder.

"Thank you, Remy," he said. "This will work, you'll see."


	106. A Different Christmas – 1

**A Different Kind of Christmas – Part 1**

"Morning," Sirius said and I groaned, burying my head further into his side. Sirius laughed and I groaned again. "Come on now," he said, "you were so excited last year, waking me up, and now you're the one wanting to stay in bed."

"Too warm," I said, holding onto Sirius tighter. "Don't want this to end," I told him, "I want to be able to sleep in your arms forever."

Sirius pulled me to him and kissed the top of my head. "We will," he said, "it will just take a while to get there, but then we'll have forever."

I pouted. "I don't want to wait."

Sirius laughed. "You don't want to wait for anything," he told me.

"You can't like this," I said. I knew there was no way I was falling back asleep now, but I was going to stay in bed with Sirius for as long as I could.

"I'm used to waiting," Sirius said, "and I know it'll be worth it. James is a mama's boy and Peter is expected to be home, so we'll have our breaks. I know it's not much, but it will have to do for now."

"Why do you always do that?" I asked, half sitting up, so I could look at him.

"Do what?"

"When I ask you a question, you never tell me how you actually feel, you skillfully avoid it. Why is that?"

"I think you know why," Sirius said.

"Can't you just explain it to me?" I asked.

"...My mother, she doesn't like who I am," Sirius said, "how I act, how I speak, how I feel, so, I just, I learned not to show that side of myself to anyone. I didn't need to. Regulus can feel how I feel, so there's no point."

I got that, but… "But I don't have that luxury," I told him, "I don't know how you feel."

"It's not a luxury," Sirius said, "it's a curse."

"Russ, please," I said, "all I wanted to know was how you truly felt about waiting, You always say you're happy to wait, but that makes me feel as though you don't want to be with me like this right now, only in the future that may never come."

Sirius pulled my face towards his, so we were inches apart. "Don't you ever think that," Sirius said, "you saw my memory from the day we met, you felt how I felt. My whole world changed when I saw you. I don't understand how or why, but I don't question it. You make me feel happy, you make me feel safe. I love you, don't ever question that. I know I don't say it or show you often enough, but that's just who I am and probably who I always will be with us being here and with my mother, but our time will come and the wait will be worth it. Don't you think?" he asked, his vulnerability shining through. "Am I worth waiting for too?"

Sirius never asked me these things, he never exposed himself in this way, but I could tell he needed to hear my answer and there was only one to give.

"Of course," I told him. "I know you didn't get to see my memory, and there isn't one defining moment like yours, but every day I spend with you I fall in love that little bit more. It scares me sometimes because I already feel so full of love and I don't know where it will all go if it keeps growing. I know it's stupid, but I just, it's getting so intense. I love you, Sirius Black." He tensed at his surname, but I pressed forward. "You are not your family," I reminded him, "but you are a Black by name and I love you, in this life and the next, never-ending."

"...I do care," Sirius said quietly, "it eats me up inside, but we have to play the part. The reason I always mention how it will be different in the future is because that's what drives me, what calms me. It will all end one day and I hope you'll still be by my side, but I don't think you will be. I know you love me, I do, but I'm so fucked up. What if my mind breaks again and I can't get out? What if my mother kills me? What if Moony kills you? I just... there's too many variables that I can't control."

"Let's just leave," I said, "we can go to New Orleans, we can forget about all of this, we can just be us. No more waiting."

"You don't know what you're asking," Sirius said. "What are we supposed to do on the full moon each month? Do you really want to be out there with no shack, no wards, no Poppy, just with Padfoot to keep Moony in check? What about James? Do we just leave him behind? You love school, there'll be no more of that either. You'd crush your parents if you left. There's too many things. It's only two years, ten months and twenty-two days," Sirius said, "by then I'll be seventeen and it won't matter what my mother knows."

But, didn't he know that seemed impossibly far away?

"You're still as impatient as ever." Sirius smiled at me. "The wait will be worth it."

"I don't want to lose this closeness," I told him.

"You won't."

"Yes, I will. You're being very honest right now and that'll change too. You'll close back up and…" I trailed off.

"We can't change who we are," Sirius said, "Irma taught me that. We've both been through our fair share of shit, but that's what makes us who we are. Yes, life would be easier if you weren't a werewolf and if I had a loving family like James, but it'd also be boring as fuck. I know it sucks and it's unfair, all of that, but I accept it and I'm grateful for it. It makes me appreciate you more," he said, tinting pink slightly, "seeing the way you look at me, how much you love me, that's special because I've never had that before. You're the first person I've loved and the first person who's loved me back."

There were so many things I could say to that, but there was only one thing I wanted to do. I stared into his eyes for a beat, before leaning forward and kissing him. Everything about him was so sweet, his lips, his scent, his mind. He truly was a Russ, rough on the outside, but so sweet on the inside, and I both loved and hated that he only showed that side to me. I wished he would let the world see who he truly was, that he was not a traditional Black, that he was sweet beyond belief, but I knew he never would.

The kiss got heated, I don't know who was fueling it, but I didn't care. I moved my body so I was lying flush on Sirius, chest-to-chest, legs-to-legs, hips-to-hips. I could feel all of him, and we were shirtless. It had just become normal while on break. Ever since Padfoot had added his own scars to my body, I didn't feel as self-conscious about them anymore, not in front of Sirius at least. I liked that he had left his mark on me. I didn't know if they would scar, probably not as easy as the wolves, but I knew they were there.

I ran my hand down Sirius' smooth chest. It was still slightly bruised from our animal roughhousing, but it wasn't scarred, not yet. I couldn't think of that. Moony loved him, I knew that much, and I knew he wouldn't harm him, not unless he was provoked and I couldn't imagine Sirius doing that. …Why couldn't I focus my mind when we kissed? I worked on being in the moment.

Sirius' hand was in my hair, pulling my mouth closer to his. His other hand was on my hips, guiding me against him. It felt so good, so hot. I ran my hand down his chest and tugged at his pants. Sirius pulled my hand away and I pouted into the kiss. I wanted to protest him denying my advances, but I hadn't gotten enough of him yet. Sirius must have though because he rolled me off him and a moment later his lips left mine. We were both panting and I looked at him annoyed. He smiled and ran his hand through my hair.

"Later," he promised me. "I have today planned out completely and we've already gotten sidetracked."

He had?

"But you said you hadn't gotten me anything," I told him.

"I said they weren't physical gifts," Sirius reminded me. "You're going to love today, trust me. Let's get dressed first."

"But..." I pouted, looking down at his chest. Couldn't we stay in bed all day?

"Later," he said, pecking me on the lips before getting out of bed.

Later; I was going to hold him to that promise.


	107. A Different Christmas – 2

**A Different Kind of Christmas – Part 2**

I did in fact manage to get out of bed and dressed for the day. It was no easy task especially with Sirius annoying me every two seconds. He seemed extra excited for today and I had no idea why. I mean, what was Christmas without any physical gifts? Sirius gave the best gifts too; my spheres, my necklace, Rensen.

"Okay," I said, "what's first?"

Sirius smiled. So much for him never smiling. He had told me off so many times when I was in his body and yet here he was, smiling. I didn't say anything because I liked seeing him happy.

"First, we go to the kitchen," Sirius said, "I can't have you complaining that you're hungry all day."

But what about him?

"Hey, Russ," I said as we left our dorm room and made our way to the kitchen, "I know you don't like to eat in public, but you also don't seem to eat much …Unless you eat in the kitchen."

"I eat less," Sirius said and I was surprised by his honesty, there was no dodging today. I was going to probe him further, but I didn't need to because he continued. "One of the punishments at home is to go without food, and I'm me, so, I'm kind of used to it. Don't worry about it though, I eat enough. I think my stomach just shrunk or something."

I hated his mother so much.

"I hate her," I told him, "so much. Is it bad that I want her to burn in hell?"

"She's my mother," Sirius said, "you can't kill her, I love her." Sirius frowned, clearly conflicted with this.

"We can make it look like an accident," I whispered.

"I appreciate your concern, Remy, but I don't want her to die, I just want out."

I didn't understand where he was coming from. Why would Sirius love the woman who abuses him? I decided to let the matter drop as I really didn't want Sirius to lose his good mood, not when he was so excited.

We made it to the kitchen and my mouth fell open in shock when I saw what was waiting for me. I didn't know what it was, but it was chocolate something, my favorite. I walked towards it, my mouth watering. I didn't only want to eat it, but bathe in it too. I grabbed a spoon and was just about to dig in when Sirius stopped me.

"Not here," he said, picking up the concoction and turning to leave. I stared after him, where was he going with my unhealthy breakfast? "Thank you, Buttons," Sirius said and it snapped me out if it.

I ran to catch up to him. "What is that?" I asked.

"Not sure," Sirius said, "I just told Buttons to add everything chocolate. From what I can see there's chocolate cake, chocolate ice-cream, chocolate mousse, chocolate sauce, maybe some chocolate brownies too. It looks nauseating and smells sickly sweet, but I know you'll love it. Just don't overeat and make yourself sick," he told me, "you don't want to miss anything today."

"I love you," I told him as I stared at the bowl in his hands.

Sirius laughed. "Are you talking to me or the chocolate?"

My eyes snapped to his. "Both?" I said, but it came out as a question.

"I love you too," Sirius said, "whatever you want, you get. …Though, I'm not sure if the chocolate loves you back."

"Doesn't matter," I said, staring at the chocolate again as Sirius led us outside into the cold. "Where are we going?" I asked.

"Our tree," Sirius said.

"Umm," I said, "that's good and all, but it's cold and there's snow everywhere." Was Sirius crazy?

"You know me," Sirius said, "do you really think my plans today include us freezing to death… I mean, if that happened, we'd be together forever, but I'd rather us be alive and together."

Why was he teasing me so much today? I decided to keep my mouth shut. As we got closer to the Whomping Willow I saw that there was some kind of tent rigged up over the hollow where the branches met. I should've never questioned him.

Sirius climbed up one-handed, somehow not dropping my bowl of chocolate death. I watched him, gripping my wand, ready to save the chocolate should it fall. I'd let Sirius hit the ground, he would survive, the chocolate wouldn't, and I was so hungry.

Sirius laughed. "I heard that," he told me and I tinted pink. Of course he hears that thought in my mind, though it made sense, he was learning legilimency to protect himself and I had just admitted that I'd let him fall. "Good to know that you'd choose the chocolate over me."

"Sorry," I mumbled as I climbed up the tree.

As I got into the tent, it was toasty warm and Sirius had decked it out with cushions and candles. How much of the day would we be spending here? I sat down, ready to dig in, but Sirius still had my bowl of chocolate. He handed it to me and I took a bite.

He laughed again as he sat beside me, watching me. He was so free right now, it was good to see. I didn't do much, but demolish the bowl of chocolate, it was so good. You'd think so many chocolate things together would be disgusting, but it was amazing.

Sirius rested his chin on my shoulder and looked into the bowl. It seemed like such a dog thing to do and it made me smile. I missed Padfoot. Sirius hadn't turned back into him again. Maybe I could ask him later, I'm sure he'd do it… Whatever I wanted, I got. Sirius moved and kissed my neck before pulling back.

"You think I could have a bite?" he asked and I looked at him confused. He wanted a bite? He hated chocolate.

"Sure," I said, piling the spoon with as much as I could.

"Just a small one," Sirius said.

Right. I ate that spoonful and got a smaller one for Sirius. I put the spoon up to his lips and watched as he ate the chocolate goodness. I could see discomfort on his face, but he didn't say anything.

"Why do you do that?" I asked when he had swallowed.

"Do what?"

"Eat some when you know you won't enjoy it?" I'd never do that.

"I do it for you," Sirius shrugged, "it makes you happy and that makes me happy."

"What do you want today?" I asked suddenly. I was the worst at giving gifts and had gotten Sirius nothing again, but I needed to do something for him. "What can I do for you today?"

Sirius looked at me with the oddest look and then he reached forward and wiped a smear of chocolate off my face. That was so embarrassing.

"I don't want anything," he said, pulling back.

"There must be something."

"There is," Sirius said, "I want you to enjoy today. I just told you, you being happy makes me happy. That's all I want."

"But…" I trailed off. That didn't seem right or fair. Surely there was something he wanted, something I could give him.

"Tell you what," Sirius said, running his hand through my hair, his gray eyes drilling into my green ones, "later," he said, "I'll tell you later and if you're willing then you're willing and if you're not… It doesn't matter."

What did that even mean?

"Are you finished?" Sirius asked.

I looked down at the bowl of chocolate. There was still some left, I could have some more.

"Are you ready for your main gift?" Sirius asked next and that had me forgetting the chocolate. I wondered what he'd gotten me. "Buttons," Sirius called.

Buttons appeared, grabbed the chocolate bowl off me, and was gone just as quick. Sirius shifted nervously, not meeting my eyes. What was it? I moved so we were facing each other, our knees touching. Sirius struggled, but then everything went calm and his eyes snapped to mine. This was it, but what was it?

Sirius took my hands in his.

"I told you this wasn't a physical gift," Sirius said, "and it's not. I've been seeing Irma heaps, trying to heal my mind, trying to get better. She's been suggesting this for awhile and I've been trying, but it's not easy, so I decided to just give it to you as a gift. It's easier for me that way because I know it's something you want and I want to give you the world, so… for today only, for now, whatever questions you have, about whatever you want, I will answer them as honestly as I can."

What? I must've heard him wrong. Sirius was always so tightlipped, so careful not to spill his secrets, and now he was offering me what I'd always wanted. I could ask him anything and he would answer honestly. I couldn't believe my luck, I couldn't believe how brave he was being, but where the hell was I supposed to start?


	108. A Different Christmas – 3

**A Different Kind of Christmas – Part 3**

This was a dream come true. For as long as I could remember, all I wanted was for Sirius to answer my questions and be honest with me. I could tell that he felt uncomfortable with all of this, he kept staring at his hands, but he was willing to try and I would be respectful with my questions. But where did I start?

"Why do you love me?" I selfishly asked.

Sirius' eyes snapped to mine. "I don't know."

I could tell it was the truth, or maybe he just hadn't questioned it before. I tried again. "What do you love most about me?"

Sirius was thoughtful for a moment. "I like how you see the good in everything," he said, "you don't treat anyone different, no matter who they are or whatever. I don't know."

This was so hard for him. His whole life he had kept everything locked up tight, but he was trying for me. It made me feel loved.

"How often do you and Irma meet?" I asked.

"A couple of times a week," Sirius said, "sometimes more if I need it."

"And talking to her is helping?" I asked.

"Yeah," Sirius said. "It took a while, but I've told her everything and she's helping me deal with it all. She's really good when it comes to my feelings for you, not only helping me look past my mother's beliefs, but with helping me become a better… boyfriend."

He'd finally admitted it, I smiled so widely. I was Sirius Black's boyfriend and I couldn't be any happier. There was a vulnerability in Sirius' eyes, so I didn't push the matter. I could always do that later.

"How did you become an Animagus so quickly?" I asked. "Was it hard?"

"Incredibly," Sirius said, "but I knew it would be worth it. I went to McGonagall, we already had a bond from when I made your necklace, so I started slow and slowly got her talking about what it was like being a cat. Then I asked how she did it. She didn't tell me outright, but she gave me enough. I couldn't do it though. Sometimes I'd only transform a body part, sometimes I'd do it, but change straight back. In the end, it became too important, so I just asked her, and she guided me on how to do it."

"Why would she show you?" I asked. I could never imagine her doing that. "What did you tell her it was for?"

"It was simple," Sirius said, "I told her that I was sick of everyone looking at me like I was a Black, I told her how that would always hang over my head, but if I could transform myself into an animal then I could get a little bit of time, when needed, where no one cared, they might even like me if I was something small and approachable."

"Did you choose to be a dog or did that just happen?"

"McGonagall said I had a choice, she said not many wizards knew this, but if you focused enough, then you could become what you wanted, but once you changed fully for the first time, you can't change your form after. I chose Padfoot because I knew just how much you loved him, how much Moony loved him. I did too. He already looked like me and he's cute, so I knew if I was in my Animagus form then people wouldn't shy away from me. I don't know."

"You're doing amazing," I told him, "thank you for this gift."

Sirius didn't answer. His hands were clenched into fists, waiting for my next question. I had so many and I felt as though I would forget the important ones, but I had a feeling this was just the first step and with time Sirius would start opening up more.

"What do you think of Rensen?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"In the beginning," I reminded him, "you said we both had to own him because you thought you were going to hurt him, so I'm just wondering if you've had any of those thoughts, or how you feel about him."

"I love him," Sirius said quietly, "only a little bit less than you," he smiled, "and I've never once thought of hurting him, I just want to protect him. When you wrote to me and told me he was hurt, it tore me up inside, but I knew he was in good hands with you."

That made me smile. I loved that my two boys loved each other so much.

"Tell me about Halley kissing you," I said, knowing that Sirius was cursed to never forget, unlike me who hardly remembered that night apart from the kiss that made me fly into a rage.

"I asked you to dance with me," Sirius said, "do you remember that?"

It sounded familiar, but I wasn't sure. I shook my head no.

"Well, I did," Sirius said, "I'd consumed some of James' cursed Butterbeer and the only thing I wanted to do was dance, preferably with you. You denied me, but I didn't let that stop me. I started dancing just imagining that you were with me, that we were flush against each other, moving our bodies, and then I was being kissed. I foolishly hoped it was you and I returned the kiss. I was so mad when I realized it was Halley and that you had been cursed. It was just, my worst nightmare, all of it."

"Lily cursed me," I told him and his eyes widened slightly, "she saw that I was going to curse Halley and she stopped me. I hated that Halley was kissing you too."

"Yet you don't feel the need to punish her," Sirius said, "only Peter."

"She was enchanted with James' Butterbeer," I said simply, "Peter acted on his own volition."

"That's a big word," Sirius mused, "you're getting smarter."

"As are you," I told him, but he didn't seem to believe me, at least he didn't deny it either. "What did you see in the Mirror of Erised?" I asked. "Aside from your death? I saw me with you. I was unscarred and you were smiling and kissing my neck. You seemed at peace and in love."

"I saw you and Rensen," Sirius said, "I was there too, but we all looked older, way older. Just us, still together, and happy, I guess."

I liked that we had seen each other in the mirror, it just reinforced the hope that we were destined to be together forever.

"Can you tell me what's in the wooden sphere?" I asked. "Or at least a hint."

Sirius groaned. "It's kind of embarrassing," he said, "a time capsule, if you will, of my naivety, my love… Just, you'll see when it opens."

Embarrassing? What was it? I understood why he wasn't telling me, it was locked in a sphere for a reason, but how could it be embarrassing?

"Why do you think it hasn't opened yet?"

"Not sure," Sirius said, "maybe I did it wrong, but I'm glad it hasn't. I think, now that I'm older, I'd die of embarrassment when it opens, but maybe it'd be better to get it over and done with. Too bad it can't be forced open."

What was it and when would it open? I still couldn't wait. Sirius had given whatever it was to me, so I knew I'd love it.

"Why is it embarrassing?" I asked. "Why do you feel that way?"

"You remember when you gave me the truth serum?" Sirius asked and I noted there was no malice or hard feelings there, it was just fact. I nodded my head. "You regret that, don't you?" I nodded again. "And you'd take it back?"

"I guess," I said, "aside from that whole thing where our past shapes us, but yeah, I guess. I won't be making that mistake again."

"That's what the sphere is like for me," Sirius said, "I thought it was the best idea at the time and then I grew, and then I reflected, and then I made the silver sphere and it was what I wanted the wooden sphere to be. I was young and stupid, that's all I can say about it."

"Do you regret it?" I asked. "Because I can give it back, it's okay. I know you love me, so I don't need it."

"I don't regret it," he told me, "it's just, it makes me cringe. Like how James is going to realize one day that those glasses he wears are so dorky and there's gotta be a better pair for him."

I laughed. That was so true. James' glasses were so dorky and big. I always assumed he'd just grow into them, but I think Sirius was right, there had to be a better suited pair for him.

"Maybe that's why Lily doesn't like him," I said.

"It wouldn't surprise me. ...Are you done yet?"

Was I? Surely there were a million more questions, but I had asked so many and Sirius had been so honest with me.

"Probably," I said and Sirius' smile faltered, "but they can wait until later, or maybe another day," I told him and his smile was back.

"Thank you, Remy," he said.

Shouldn't I be thanking him?

"For what?" I asked.

"For not asking about my home life or Regulus, I appreciate it."

Had I really not asked him about any of that? I guess not.

"I would never put you in that position, Russ. I respect you and I'm certain you'll tell me when you're ready."

"Merlin, I love you," Sirius said, pulling me towards him.

I melted into his body and enjoyed his kiss.


	109. A Different Christmas – 4

**A Different Kind of Christmas – Part 4**

"Are you ready for the next part?" Sirius asked, standing up.

"There's more?" I questioned, joining him. We had spent all day in our tree.

"Of course," Sirius said, "Christmas day isn't over yet."

He climbed down from the Whomping Willow and I followed him.

"What's next?" I asked.

"You'll be able to guess soon enough," Sirius said before whistling.

Rensen came out of nowhere and landed on Sirius' shoulder, burying himself under Sirius' hair.

"Where's he been?" I asked, trying to pet Rensen, but he was buried deep underneath Sirius' hair.

"With Hagrid," Sirius said, "I didn't really want him around while we were discussing what we were. He's too smart. I think he understands me at times."

I knew what Sirius meant.

"I don't think he's a Animagus," I said. "If he is, he's very good at it."

"He's not," Sirius said, "I asked Newt and he assured me that Rensen's just a smart barn owl."

"You just picked us the best owl then." I smiled at Sirius.

"I don't think I ever told you this," Sirius said, "but right before I shoved Rensen in my jacket the day I got him, he bit me, hard. Drew blood. It made me so angry, but the pain soon subsided and I knew right then that I'd never hurt him."

"I love him," I said, "and I love how much you love him. My two boys… Merlin, I want to kiss you so bad right now. We should've stayed in our tree under the cover of the tent. Why did we leave anyway?"

"You'll like this surprise," Sirius said. "I've been working hard with Irma so I could do this for you. It won't be permanent, but I can do it for today, for you."

What was it? I knew better than to ask. I just needed to be patient.

It didn't take long to figure out what it was. I frowned, this couldn't be happening, I wouldn't let Sirius push himself this much. I grabbed his arm and stopped him from entering.

"What?" he asked. "This is what you want and I want to do it for you."

We were standing outside the doors to the Great Hall. The Christmas feast was in full swing. Sirius was right, this is what I wanted, but he didn't. Sirius had issues with food and eating and other people... I couldn't allow him to put himself through this.

"You're thinking too much," Sirius said, "don't worry about me. As I said, Irma and I have been working on this. I can do it today."

"What about Dumbledore?" I said, grasping at anything. "Can't we just be in our dorm room like last year? That was perfect. Just you and me, we could be ourselves."

"We've been ourselves all day," Sirius said, "and we will be again, straight after this. I promise I'll tell you if it's too much for me. Let's just do this."

Sirius stepped towards the doors, but I didn't. This was too much for him, wasn't it? I knew I needed to trust him, but I didn't want his mind to break again. I didn't want to lose him. Sirius turned back.

"If we were out," Sirius said, "I'd just grab your hand and drag you in there. Come on." I still didn't move. "Fine," Sirius said, "abandon me."

Sirius walked into the hall and I stared after him. I couldn't believe this was happening. I entered the Great Hall, I wasn't going to leave him alone. As I entered, I noticed that Irma was here too, sitting at the staff table. I was surprised she left her library, I guess this was important to both her and Sirius. Sirius kept looking at her. I stopped at the end of the long table, was I supposed to sit opposite him or next to him? I wanted to sit next to him, but Dumbledore was here too and he was staring at me.

I decided it didn't matter. I was just going to do what I wanted. I joined Sirius on his side and sat down. As I did, I looked around the Great Hall, I'd seen it during the Christmas season, but it looked different right now, more magical, but I couldn't work out why. Sirius was stiff beside me, scanning the room. There weren't many students here, most went home to spend Christmas with their families. I didn't mind staying here. I liked that I didn't have to worry about being locked up and I liked that I was giving my parents a much-needed break from dealing with my lycanthropy. Plus, Sirius felt more like my family to me. I felt my face heat up and I looked down.

"You should invite Nix over," Sirius said.

I lifted my head and scanned the Ravenclaw table. Nix was sitting by himself. I didn't mind asking him to join us, but why was Sirius asking for this?

"Why?" I questioned. "Wait, are you still being honest with me?"

"Sure," Sirius said, "within reason with present company."

I nodded my head. "What do you think of my friendship with Nix?" I asked. "You're not jealous, are you?"

"No," Sirius said. "Nix is straight. I've known that from the beginning. I don't mind you hanging with him, I think it's good actually. The only reason I mentioned that he should join us is that it'll take some of the focus off me, it'll help me relax some more."

"If you're sure," I said.

"I am," Sirius said, "go and ask him, but be quick."

I smiled at him before leaving him. When I hit the end of the table, I looked back at Sirius. He was staring at Irma again and she was staring right back. I needed to be quick. I approached the Ravenclaw table.

"Nix," I said.

"Oh, hey, Remus." He smiled at me. "Are you having a good Christmas."

"Umm, yeah, I guess." Why could I never talk in front of him? Why did it always take me so long to get comfortable? We were friends, but for some reason I lost my mind when I was in front of him. "I was wondering if you wanted to join Sirius and me for the feast."

Nix looked over at Sirius. "No, thanks," he said, "you should be spending this time alone with him."

I leaned closer to Nix. "We do enough of that," I told him. "Please. Sirius asked for this. It's gotta be better than you sitting over here by yourself."

"You said Sirius wanted this," Nix told me, "but what about you?"

"You're my friend," I said, "so of course I want you to join us."

Nix seemed conflicted. "Okay," he accepted. "I'll join you shortly."

I wasn't sure why he needed more time, but I went back over to Sirius.

"Is he not coming?" Sirius asked, completely tense.

"He is," I said, "he just said he… I don't know."

"But he's definitely coming?" Sirius asked.

I nodded my head and he relaxed. He even started filling his plate with food.

"Was this part of the plan?" I asked before Nix arrived.

"Irma suggested it," Sirius said. "She said if I was feeling tense that I should invite someone as it'll take the focus off me. I denied her when she suggested it. I don't want more people near me, but she's right, I shouldn't have doubted her."

Nix stood across from us. "Are you sure this is okay?" he asked both of us.

"Yeah," Sirius said, "Remus is always talking about you, so I wanted to officially meet you, not just in passing."

"Well," Nix said, sticking out his hand for Sirius to shake, "Remus is always talking about you too. Obsessively so actually."

Sirius and Nix looked at me and I blushed.

"He knows," I whispered to Sirius, "I didn't tell him, but I'm pretty sure he knows everything."

"It's because I'm smart," Nix sat down, "and don't worry, it's safe with me. Maybe now Remus will actually talk about something else."

"You're a prat," I told Nix and Sirius smiled at me widely. I was glad he wasn't as tense anymore.

We settled into our meal and it was fantastic. Good food, good company, good atmosphere. I didn't even look up at Dumbledore and Sirius didn't look at Irma. Nix and I talked the most, Sirius answered when asked, and he even ate his food. I was so proud of him. He wasn't tense, but he was quiet. A couple of times my hand found it's way under the table, squeezing Sirius' leg. He shifted away in the beginning, but now he didn't. I only ever squeezed and let go anyway, we couldn't get caught.

"Boys," Dumbledore said, coming over to us at the end of the feast, "it's good to see some inter-house mingling. Different years too. Keep up the good work."

That was weird.

Dumbledore left the room and Nix shook his head. "He's great and all," Nix said, "but there's something about him that I can't put my finger on."

Sirius and I shared a look, but said nothing.

"Thank you for asking me to join you," Nix said, "I had a good time."

"Why aren't you home this year?" I asked him.

"Wendy," he said, shrugging, "she promised she was going to stay back, we were going to use the time to get to know each other better, but she sneaked out on me. It didn't matter though, Bans was willing enough."

"Why aren't you with her now?" I asked. "Bans is female right, or are you gay now too?"

Nix laughed. "I bet you'd love that," he told me. "She's female. Her full name's Banshee, she's a sixth-year Slytherin. No matter what we do in private, houses don't usually mix, especially not Slytherins and not in the Great Hall, but we find our time."

"Where do you go?" Sirius asked and it surprised me as he hadn't asked Nix a single question.

Nix looked at us both for a beat before answering. "There's this place on the seventh floor," he said quietly, "I can't go into details right now, I don't want to be overheard, but find me sometime and I'll show you. Once you're in there, you're completely undetectable."

That sounded just like what Sirius and I needed. A place close-by where we could just be ourselves. I wish Nix had told us where it was, but I could be patient.


	110. A Different Christmas – 5

**A Different Kind of Christmas – Part 5**

"Thank you for today," I said as I hugged Sirius in the safety of our locked dorm room.

I was dubious when Sirius had told me he'd gotten me no physical gifts, but today was perfect. We had spent time together, Sirius had opened up, I got my chocolate, and we even ate together in the Great Hall with Nix. It was perfect.

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself." Sirius stepped out of my embrace. Where was he going? He pulled Rensen out of his hair and walked him over to the window. "Get," he said.

"What are you doing?" I asked as he closed the window. Why was he sending Rensen away?

"It's my turn," Sirius said nervously, yet strongly.

"But I didn't get you anything," I told him. "I guess I should probably work on that for next year."

"Don't," Sirius said, "you know I don't want anything from you." He paused, but then surprisingly continued. "It's just less pressure on me that way," he explained. "I don't have to worry about what you got me, I don't have to try and top it with my gifts, and I don't have to pretend to like it if I really hate it. I just... Please don't get me anything. …Maybe this can be our new tradition… Maybe."

He was nervous again.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Don't forget you can say no or… whatever," Sirius said, his eyes drilling into mine, "but this is what I want from you." He paused again. "I want you to jerk me off. I'm ready now."

He was ready now? Is that why he had denied me previously? Sirius was shifting nervously, I was being silent for too long.

"You want this?" I asked.

"Yes." Sirius' voice was quiet but strong.

I went to open my mouth, but Sirius cut me off.

"This is what I want, Remy," he said, "it's hard for me to ask for what I want, usually I just take it, but with you… I've tried to be respectful and I've also tried to take things slow. I know, in the past, that you've wanted to return the favor, but I want you to know that you don't have to. I could just-"

I crashed my lips against his. How could he think that I wouldn't want to touch him like that, to be with him like that? I loved Sirius' body, it was so trim and smooth, and that black hair… I shuddered and groaned into the kiss. Sirius eagerly returned it until we were out of breath. He pulled back and his gray eyes were wild and he looked flushed.

"Slow," he told me, "we have time."

Forget that.

"Slow," he said, pecking me on the lips, "please, Remy. I… I don't want anything to happen. I don't think it will, but the first time we kissed…" He trailed off and I remembered exactly what had happened, how Sirius had lost his mind. This was too risky, we couldn't do this, I wouldn't let him break again. "No," Sirius said, wrapping his arms around me before I could step away, "don't," he told me, "everything will be fine and if it's not, I won't run this time. Me and you, Remy, let's just take it slow."

I nodded my head in acceptance. I trusted Sirius, but I couldn't help but think of what could happen.

"How do we do this?" I asked and Sirius smiled. He was laughing at me and my innocence again. "Don't be an ass," I told him, "I'm not the one with the experience here."

"Your bed or my bed?" he asked.

That was easy. "Your bed."

He grabbed my hand and led me over to it. He let me go and climbed on, I followed him.

"Curtains open or closed?" he asked next.

That was harder. Closed would make the moment more intimate, but we were truly alone and there wouldn't be many chances like this. I looked at Sirius and I could still see his nervousness.

"What do you want?" I asked.

"I don't care," he said and instead of his usual silence that followed his remarks, he continued yet again. It was so out of character for him, but he was trying so hard to be more open with me and I loved him for it. "I trust your locking charm," Sirius told me, "I know we won't be disturbed. Plus, I promise right now that I will speak up if something's bothering me, so any question I ask you, just answer honestly."

Honestly, right.

"Open," I said.

Sirius smirked, something wicked gleaming in his eyes.

"How do you want to do this?" he asked. "How have you always imagined touching me?" His voice was getting husky and he looked at me with so much need. He wanted this and I was going to give it to him.

I had imagined touching him all the time and there were so many positions and locations and... everything. I felt nervous asking for what I wanted, but this was his gift from me, I needed to be confident.

"Lay down in the middle," I told him and Sirius did.

He rested his head on the pillow and stretched out his still growing body. I admired him for a moment before I moved, straddling his thighs. I rested my full weight on him and glanced down. Sirius was wearing a pair of black jeans, but I could see his growing bulge. I let out a small growl, I couldn't help it.

"Slow," Sirius reminded me.

Right, slow. I needed to focus. I looked away from his dick, I'd be able to play with that later. I reached forward and traced Sirius' beautiful face with both of my hands as I lowered my body towards his. I didn't lay on him, not yet. I just hovered above him as I kissed him. As the kiss got heated, I lowered my body further. I still wasn't fully against him, but my stomach was slowly and carefully rubbing against his dick.

Sirius stayed still, but as I was kissing him I could feel, rather than hear, his soft groans and moans. This wouldn't do. I pulled back and Sirius' gray eyes were a shade darker, his lips more red than usual, his hair a wild mess. He looked so hot and he was mine.

"Why did you stop?" he panted, trying to thrust his dick against my stomach, but I had made sure we weren't touching there anymore.

"Will you be making any noise tonight?" I asked and Sirius frowned. "You know I want to hear you," I told him gently, "but I'm not asking you to. This is your gift, Russ. I just need to know before I go any further, so I don't get frustrated with you."

Honesty, this was all about honesty.

"I don't think I can," Sirius whispered, "but maybe I can try some, if you… if you put up a silencing charm around the bed."

It still wasn't ideal, but I knew teaching Sirius that it was okay to be vocal would take time. I nodded my head and put up the silencing charm. Sirius seemed to relax some. I wasn't sure if he'd say anything, but I needed to be okay with whatever happened.

I pulled off my shirt and Sirius' before I got us back to where we were. I was gently touching his dick with my stomach and Sirius groaned again. My hand was on his neck and I felt the vibrations, but it was barely audible. I groaned back, loudly, trying to lead by example.

We continued until Sirius turned his head to the side, breaking the kiss. I pulled back and he groaned, this time I heard it clearly, but it sounded like he was in pain.

"Too tight," he said, trying to shift his hips.

I looked down and he was tenting something fierce in his jeans. I chuckled lightly and Sirius didn't appreciate that. He growled and I was so happy he was trying to be vocal, even if it was still soft. He sounded like a puppy dog. I sat up on his thighs.

"I guess I can help you out." I toyed with him, running my hands up and down his chest. Sirius shifted his hips, trying to get me to move lower. "Slow," I reminded him and he groaned, throwing his arm over his eyes. He was so adorable and all mine.

I decided to give him a break. I ran my hands lower before running them under the waistband on his jeans. Sirius groaned again, still softly, as he thrust his hips. I restrained myself from laughing again, but I was smiling so widely. Teasing him was fun. I reached for the button and undid it, then I slowly pulled down the zip. Sirius stopped moving, his hand still covering his eyes.

I wanted to tease him some more, but I wasn't sure how much he could take and I didn't want to push him too far. I decided to speed up some. I moved so I wasn't straddling him anymore and I pulled his jeans down first, leaving him in his black briefs. They were deliciously tight on him and it was making my mouth water. I wanted to play with him like this, but I couldn't do it. Sirius' mouth was open and he was panting softly. Next time, I promised myself before I rid him of his underwear too.

I straddled his thighs again and reached for his dick. I had touched his dick only once before, when I was in his body, but it felt better this time knowing that I was the one giving him the pleasure. His dick was hot, hard and silky. I groaned, loving the feel of it in my hand. Sirius kept his eyes covered and I wasn't sure if it was just how he was coping with this or if it was a natural thing. I decided not to worry about it.

I shifted higher up on his thighs and gripped his dick with both hands. It felt so strong and powerful, I felt so strong and powerful. I moved my hands up and down, slowly at first. Jerking him. As his breathing increased, so did my movements. Sirius was thrusting his hips in rhythm with me, but I could tell he was holding back and I hated it. I shifted backwards on his legs, not stopping. Sirius' face scrunched up in confusion at my movements before it settled.

I only moved so I could get a closer look. I let go with one hand and my eyes were glued to the clear liquid leaking out. I wondered what it tasted like. I looked at Sirius, but his eyes were still covered. Could I do this? Would he care? I decided to just go for it. I leaned forward, not stopping, and licked his head, scooping up the clear liquid. It didn't taste like much, but I bet his cum would.

Sirius shot up, his hand coming off his eyes. "What are you doing?" he asked, resting on his elbows as he looked at me.

"Nothing," I said as I leaned forward and swirled my tongue around his head.

"I didn't ask for this," Sirius said and I wondered what was going through his mind. "Why are you doing it?"

"Just wanted to know what you tasted like," I told him before putting his head in my mouth and sucking gently, my eyes never leaving his. I pulled back. "Do you want me to stop?" I asked.

"Fuck no," Sirius said, "but how are you so good at this?"

"Nix," I said, shrugging, "he likes to brag." I swallowed the head of his dick again.

"Fuck," Sirius hissed, falling back on the bed, arm covering his eyes again, "remind me to thank him."

I pulled back, so I could laugh at that. Nix was good for some things. I captured Sirius' dick again, loving the spongy texture of the head against my tongue. Sirius tasted so sweet. Fuck. I tried to take more of him in, but I couldn't. It didn't feel good, it felt like I was going to throw up. I pulled back and focused just on his head as I used my hand for the rest.

"Wait," Sirius said, shooting up in bed, "does Nix suck dick?"

I pulled off completely, but didn't stop jerking him. "No," I smiled, "he was just bragging about some seventh year who was a good cock sucker, that's what he called her, he loves his details."

"Okay," Sirius accepted, laying back down, "carry on."

I didn't and Sirius sat up again.

"What's the problem?" he asked.

"You know I'd never do any of this stuff with Nix, right?" I said. "I think he's hot, but I would never risk what we have for that."

"Okay, good to know," Sirius said, laying back down, "now please finish me off, I'm so close." I didn't move. "Remy," he sighed, "please."

"How close are you?" I asked, stroking him gently.

"Why?" he groaned before answering, "so close."

Oh, my face fell. I had so much I still wanted to do.

"What?" Sirius asked, ever concerned for me.

"Nothing." I shook it off. We'd have plenty of time to play later, well, when we could find alone time... I couldn't think of that now.

"Put me back in your mouth," Sirius said gently as he threw his head back.

"Next time," I promised him. I had other plans. I shifted back and quickly pulled down my jeans and underwear. I was hard and aching. I didn't hesitate. I put my dick against Sirius' and wrapped both my hands around, jerking us together. Sirius groaned at the contact and next thing I know he's looking at our dicks, then he's looking at my scarred chest.

"Fuck," he hissed, throwing his head back again. "I fucking love you, Remus Lupin. Faster, I'm so close."

"Watch me," I told him.

"Can't," he mumbled, "too close. Just, faster, please."

I picked up the pace. I split my time between watching our dicks and looking at Sirius' face. His head was back, his eyes were closed, his hair was still wild, but also drenched with sweat and his mouth was open slightly as he panted. Panting was such a dog thing to do I realized and it made me laugh. Sirius' eyes snapped towards me.

"What?" he asked and it was all breathy with no conviction.

"Later," I promised him. I wasn't going to ruin this moment.

Sirius huffed, but it was soon forgotten as I readjusted my grip, so I could move my hands faster. Sirius was so close, I could tell. I wanted to make him scream out, but I knew he never would. No matter, I would, for him.

"I'm close," I said, throwing my own head back. Sirius started thrusting his hips and the added sensation was enough to send me over the edge. "Fuck," I said, giving myself over to the pleasure. "Sirius," I groaned. I was coming, but I didn't stop jerking Sirius. Once I was done and Sirius still hadn't come, I pulled my dick away and just focused on him. He was so close, I could tell, but he wasn't letting go.

I brought him back into my mouth. I could taste myself on him, but I didn't care. Sirius sat up to look at me. I locked my eyes with his as I sucked on his head. His eyes were blazing and then he twitched. The first spurt of cum shot out and hit the back of my throat. It shocked me and I pulled off, jerking him with my hand only. The rest of Sirius' cum landed on him and I was disappointed. In my fantasies, I had always swallowed everything and it tasted so sweet.

Sirius stopped cumming and he laid back spent. I wasn't done. I shifted and started licking him clean. It was my cum and his, but I didn't care. It tasted slightly different and I liked to think that Sirius' was the better tasting one, but I wasn't sure. Sirius moaned and his hand found its way into my hair, massaging my scalp.

"You don't have to do that," he mumbled, "just use a cleaning charm."

"I want to," I said, not stopping. I cleaned his chest and stomach and then I lovingly licked his dick clean, all over, his balls too. I tried to be careful as I knew how sensitive I was after I came and I didn't want to arouse him again. We'd had a big day. I finished and I didn't hesitate. I climbed up his body before collapsing on top of him. My head hit his chest in exhaustion and Sirius wrapped his arms around me.

"You were so perfect, Remy," he said, kissing the top of my head.

"Thanks," I smiled, "but there was so much more I wanted to do."

Sirius laughed. "We have time," he reminded me.

I didn't dare bring up all the obstacles facing us, I wouldn't ruin this moment.

"Rem," Sirius said and I noted it was the first time he had ever called me that. I liked it.

"Hmm?"

"Why did you call me Sirius and not Russ when you came?"

I had?

"I don't know," I said, "that's just usually what I call you in my head, you know, when I cum. Plus, I like your name. I've never heard of it before and I just like it. Is that okay?" I asked. "Was all of this okay?"

Sirius held me tighter and kissed my head again. I was well aware that we were fully naked, flush against each other, but I was too tired to move.

"This was the best Christmas I've ever had," Sirius whispered, "and I can't wait to top it next year."

I smiled, that sounded like a good plan.

Not long later, we fell asleep, completely satisfied and surrounded by love.


	111. Waking Up

**Waking Up**

I'd had the best night's sleep. I was completely satisfied, warm, and blanketed in love. When morning came, I didn't want to get up. Sirius' body was wrapped around mine, it was a little too warm and he was heavy, but I didn't care in the slightest. I now knew that he loved me more than I loved him. It wasn't a bad thing, it was just a fact.

Everything Sirius did was for me. Yesterday, Christmas Day, he'd gone above and beyond and I realized he'd always done this. From day one he had put me first, above him even. I thought it was just what friends did, I thought he just cared for me, but he loved me, so intensely. I loved him too. I wouldn't leave him, but I hated to think what would happen if we were split apart. Sirius' mind had already broken once, so I was constantly worried it would happen again. Sirius didn't deserve that.

I still wanted to kill his mother. I couldn't understand how she could put her son through all of that. She treated him like a dog… It was yet another connection to his Animagus form. He may have wanted to be like my stuffed dog Padfoot, but I think even without the toy's existence, Sirius still would've transformed into a dog. A dog that I loved so much, a dog which allowed Sirius not to be a Black, a dog that could run with Moony.

I was still worried about that. I didn't want Sirius, or Padfoot, to be with Moony, it was too dangerous, but Sirius was too strong-headed. I knew he just wanted to help me, to help Moony, but I was so afraid that I would hurt him. I didn't know what Sirius thought of my scars or what happened during the full moon. I knew he worried about me and compared it to his home life, but there had to be more to this than that. I've been dealing with it for my whole life, so it's just normal to me, but it can't be normal for him. I'd have to ask him.

I wanted to see if he was still being honest with me. I knew he'd keep trying, but how open would he be and how long would it last? I wanted him to be that way always, but I knew that wasn't him. I shifted against him, sighing in contentment. None of this mattered, not right now, not while I was smothered by Sirius Black's body. Last night had been perfect, but there was so much I didn't get to do. I'd have to get Nix to show me that room he was talking about.

Sirius shifted and I pretended to be asleep, wondering what he'd do. He was always more carefree when he thought no one was judging him. Sirius kissed the back of my neck, just below my ear before he crushed his chest to my back, the embrace was so tight, so fierce.

"I love you," he whispered strongly, "so fucking much."

I could feel all of him pressed up against me now and he was so hard. I wanted to grind back onto him, but I decided to stay fake sleeping. I wanted to know what he'd do next. I let out a small groan, shifting back against him a little. I didn't move too much or open my eyes. Sirius laughed and kissed my neck again.

"Greedy boy," he said. "Though I guess I had most of the fun last night." He moved himself against me so lightly. "Thank you by the way," he said, quietly. "Please," he paused and my heart beat faster, "please don't leave me," he whispered. "I… I'm so worried about that. There's so many things that can happen and I hope I'm not the one to fuck this up. Please."

Hearing Sirius say please was utterly heartbreaking. I wanted to turn around and hug him, but I wasn't sure how Sirius would feel knowing I had heard his confessions. I decided to play it safe and didn't move. I would just hug him later and try to reassure him of my love, that he was it for me, that no one else would ever rule my heart.

Sirius shifted away from me and I automatically pouted. He laughed again. I liked him like this, he was different when he thought no one was paying close attention to him. I really hoped he could learn to be like this always, but I knew his scars ran deep. Sirius guided me so I was laying on my back. I was so excited for what would come next. I had so many ideas. I panted at the thought of them. Sirius didn't disappoint.

He wrapped his hand around my dick and held it. I waited for him to stroke it, but he never did. Then I felt his tongue. Fuck, he was sucking me. Could I look at him yet? How long did it take someone to wake up this way? I struggled to stay fake asleep, but I was moving my hips and panting and moaning. I wanted to look at him so badly.

A thought flashed through my mind, a joke. I knew now probably wasn't the time, but it would allow me to show Sirius that he was it for me, and the more I could do that, the better. I reached down numbly and put my hand on Sirius' head as I arched my back. I had to do it now.

"Don't stop, James," I said and Sirius froze. "I said, don't stop."

Sirius pulled his mouth off me. I opened my eyes and sleepily looked at him.

"It was a joke," I told him. He still had his hand around my dick, but he wasn't doing anything.

"I gathered that," Sirius said, hiding his emotions again. I hated it.

"Keep going," I told him, closing my eyes.

"I can't," Sirius said.

"Why?" I mumbled.

"Because I'm trying to think of how to punish you for that."

"It was a joke," I told him, "you're it for me, Russ. …Wait, how did you know it was a joke anyway?"

"Many reasons," Sirius said, still doing nothing with my dick, but holding it. I groaned in frustration. "First," Sirius said, "you're not attracted to James, so there's no way you'd think he was doing this to you. If you had said Nix, then maybe you would've fooled me." Nix, right, that was smarter. "Second, you spend so much time sleeping, Remy, do you really think I don't know when you're faking it?" He knew and he had still been that open with me? "Your mind feels different by the way," he told me, "when you're awake, when you're asleep, when you're Moony. They all feel different, you can't fool me, but how am I going to punish you for this?"

He was too smart.

"You could always make me cum," I panted, "that would teach me."

"Okay," Sirius said and it made me smile. It was short-lived.

Sirius licked me from base to tip, it was glorious, and then he proceeded to lick me all over my dick and balls. It was so soft and slow. I was groaning and moaning and shifting, trying to make him go further, but he wouldn't. He teased me and just when I thought I was about to cum, he stopped. He did this three times and I knew I would never tease him during our alone time again.

Sirius was laughing at me too. Currently, he was stroking me gently. It wasn't enough to do anything, just enough to keep me hard and aching. I was now resting on my elbows, watching him, pleading with him to let me cum. He wasn't paying any attention to me. He brought me into his mouth again. He was so talented with his tongue. I hadn't done half of this stuff to him last night, but I was excited to try it next time.

I got close again and I expected him to pull off, but he didn't. He just kept going, pushing further down. I hit the back of his throat and it shot a whole lot of new sensations through my dick. Fuck. I came hard and fast. It was so intense and Sirius swallowed it all. He was doing everything I wanted to do last night. I wondered how he was so good at this. Who had taught him? James? Or was it just instinctual for him?

I finished cumming and Sirius continued to lick me. Fuck. I laid back down, completely spent.

"I bet you won't be doing that again," Sirius said and I could just imagine his shit eating grin.

"Hmm," I mumbled and he laughed. I was so tired. "Maybe, I will… t'was totally worth it in the end."

"Oh, Remy," Sirius said, moving up and kissing me on the lips. I was about to kiss him back when he pulled away, "you do this again and I'll do this again," he told me. I smiled, that sounded fun. "But next time... I won't let you cum."

Fuck, no. My face fell.

"That's right," Sirius said, "this is a fun game, but I doubt it's one you'll ever win."

He was probably right, but that didn't mean I couldn't get better at all this. I would win one day, I had no doubt about that. I just needed to get lots of advice from Nix and do lots of practice on Sirius. I would have him begging and moaning and screaming one day. He wouldn't stay silent forever, I would make sure of that.

"I'm hard," Sirius said and we both looked down at his dick. It was leaking pre-cum "What are you going to do about it?" he asked.

Oh, the possibilities. I smiled. "Let's go take a shower."


	112. Frustrated

**Frustrated**

"What's up your ass?" James said.

I glared at him.

"Probably some guy's dick," Peter chimed in. I don't know what had changed, but Peter was no longer holding his tongue around me and it was starting to piss me off.

"Shut the fuck up, Peter," I told him.

He squeaked before leaving the room.

"What's wrong?" James asked again. "This isn't like you. We're not even near the full moon."

Yes, that had gone and went. Sirius had been with Moony again, as Padfoot, and we both came out with injuries, but nothing major. I still didn't know if it was worth it, but I had agreed to give it at least one more chance. In the end, I just wanted to do it alone. I'd take all the injuries if it would spare Sirius.

"Do you want me to get Lily so she can do that head rub thing?" James suggested.

"What?" I asked.

"Oh, shit," James said, "nothing, never mind."

Why was he acting this way? …Oh, right, Lily knew I was a werewolf, but I didn't know. Well, I did, but I was in Sirius' body at the time and James clearly hadn't made this connection yet.

"I know that she knows," I told him.

"What? How?" he questioned. "Did she tell you?"

I didn't bother explaining it to him, I was too riled up.

Maybe talking to Lily about it all was a good thing. I hadn't been avoiding her, but I hadn't mentioned my lycanthropy either. I didn't know what she thought of me being a werewolf, I was just avoiding it all.

"If she's close by," I told James, "then get her, but don't go searching for her, I want you to stay close."

I didn't like it when I was angry like this. I had cursed a hallway full of students once. This wasn't even Moony's anger either, it was frustration. Sirius and I had the most perfect Christmas Break and then everyone came back and we were forced into hiding again. Sirius had basically reverted back to his old self. He wouldn't let me touch him, even when we were alone. He even avoided me sometimes too. I knew it was his way of dealing, but it was making me antsy.

I just wanted to kiss my boyfriend.

I was pacing back and forth, ready to jump out of my skin when James came back with Lily. I stopped.

"Do you mind leaving us alone?" I asked James.

"But you just said-" I cut him off with a glare.

"I'm no longer alone," I told him, "and I'd never hurt Lily, please, James."

He was torn. I knew he was worried about me and that he wanted to stay close to Lily, but I really didn't want to talk about these things in front of him.

James left and I started pacing again.

"What's going on?" Lily asked and I noted that she chose James' bed to sit on. She was sitting cross-legged, just staring at me.

"You know what I am," I stated.

"That's true."

"And?" I prompted, not meeting her eyes.

"And what?" Lily said. "You have just as much right to be here as anyone else, more so actually. You're not a Muggle-Born like me."

Of course she would have some righteous answer.

"No," I spun to face her, no longer pacing, "what do you think about what I truly am?"

"I-I don't know," she stuttered and I remembered just how I looked when I was angry, it wasn't a pretty sight. I tried to smooth out my face.

"I don't know much about your kind," she said gently, "the textbooks mention all this bad stuff, but you're not bad, Remus. I just… I don't know what to think, but it doesn't make me think any less of you. I just don't understand it. Does that make sense?"

Did it? I found I didn't care. Lily hadn't told anyone, she hadn't treated me any different, there was no malice in her voice.

"Sirius is avoiding me," I told her, sitting down on my own bed. I was still antsy, so I fidgeted my fingers.

"You share a dorm room with him," Lily said, "how can he avoid you?"

"It's not the same," I told her, "he's here physically, but not emotionally. We had the best Christmas break alone and then… nothing. I miss him."

"Have you told him this?" she asked.

"Of course," I said, "but he just shrugged it off and gave some bullshit answer like he always does when it comes to how he feels about something. …He did call me his boyfriend though, so I guess we're officially an item." I mentioned it because I realized I wasn't sure if Lily knew Sirius and I were together yet or not.

She frowned. "I hope you're being careful, Remus," she said.

Here we go.

"I love him and he loves me," I told her, "what else matters?"

"I don't doubt that you love him," she said, "but does he even know what love is?"

How dare she?

"Let me finish," she said, "I've heard about his home life, I've read up on how some Pure Blood families raise their children. There's no love there, Remus, so how can he feel something he's never known?"

She was right, but I had seen his memory of when we first met and everything changed when he saw me, but was it love?

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" I asked her.

"No," she said, "it's stupid. Love takes time, getting to know someone takes time. You can have attraction at first sight, but not love."

I was thinking of James, he said it was love at first sight for him too, but I couldn't tell Lily that.

"I know two people who have experienced it," I said, "so maybe it's real for some people."

"Maybe," she shrugged, "if they're naive, but it isn't that simple. What do you think?" she asked. "Do you believe in it?"

I didn't, but that didn't mean I doubted Sirius. Something had definitely changed when he met me, but I was no longer sure if it was love.

"I don't," I told her.

"I think it's an intellectual thing," she said, "we know better than that."

But Sirius wasn't stupid. ...Had he ever called it love at first sight? If only I had his memory. Maybe I was the one who thought it was love at first sight, but did that change how he felt now? He said he loved me, but did he? Lily was right, no one had shown him love… but I had, maybe he was learning it from me. I loved him so much and he had to see that, maybe that's why it took him so long to say it back. I didn't know and it was making my head hurt.

"This isn't my problem," I told her, but now I thought it might be. I needed to talk to Sirius about it. "My problem is that I want to kiss my boyfriend, but there's too many fucking cockblocks around."

"Whoa," Lily said, visibly shocked, "are you sure Sirius isn't changing you?" she asked, "because the Remus I know doesn't talk like that."

"Yeah, well," I said, wondering how to explain it, "some things I feel strongly about and that's how I express myself now. It could be due to Sirius, but I think it's due to Moony as well… Do you know who Moony is?"

"Yes," she said, "James told me."

Good.

"He's different from me," I told her, "meaner… It's hard to explain, but when my emotions run high, I can feel him affecting me. Like right now. It doesn't happen all the time, but it's happening more often as of late. I don't know what's causing it, but I hope it's just a phase."

"Is there anything I can do?" Lily asked.

"I guess not," I sighed, "but clearing the air with you has helped. I think I need to talk to Nix about this, he always seems to know what to do in that area."

"Phoenix?" Lily questioned.

I nodded.

"Why do you and James call him that?" I asked.

"I don't know," she blushed red, "it's his name."

There was clearly more to this than that.

"Now you have to spill," I said, "Merlin knows I've spilled half of my guts to you."

Lily nodded in acceptance.

"I don't know when it was," Lily said, still red, "but we were in class and James was using his wand to flick my hair into my face, it was so childish and annoying. I snapped and hexed him, we both got detention. While we were serving it, something caught our eye out the window. It was Phoenix, he was trying to hide in alcove across the way, on the outside of the castle, and he was thrusting his hips against what we assumed was a house elf… It wasn't, just some girl on her knees." Lily went redder.

"Anyway," she continued, "Professor Flitwick saw we were looking at something and he followed our gaze. Next thing we know, he's opened the window and he's yelling, ' _Phoenix, disentangle yourself now before I make you experience your first burning day'_. Phoenix jumped back real quick." Lily laughed. "It just kind of become an inside thing with James and me. I'm sure I'm not telling it right, you had to be there. Flitwick was so angry yet serious, and Phoenix looked so fearful."

Lily laughed at the memory and I smiled. That sounded like Nix, and I knew now that he was the one I needed to talk to about Sirius and me. I needed to get him to tell me where this secret room was located, so I could kiss Sirius again.


	113. Sex Education with Nix

**Sex Education with Nix**

"Why are you so hard to track down?" I asked Nix as I cast a silencing charm around us.

We were in Flitwick's classroom having another meeting of Flitwick's club. I was starting to enjoy our meetings, not only did I get to spend time with Nix, but we got to figure out hard problems. I was certain when the end of year competition against the Slug Club came we would win, but then what? Would our club just dissolve?

"You were looking for me?" Nix asked.

"Yeah, for at least a week."

"Oh, sorry," Nix said, "you should've sent me an owl or something. Sometimes I don't come up for air. What did you want?"

"Advice," I told him and Nix cocked an eyebrow.

"What kind of advice?" he asked.

"Sirius is avoiding me again," I whispered, even though I didn't need to under the silencing charm. "We, umm, we were alone over Christmas break and we did some stuff. You know, sexual stuff."

Nix laughed. "Can you be anymore specific than that?" he asked.

Right. Why did I decide that discussing this was a good idea again?

"We, umm, touched each other, and, umm, used our mouths, you know, on the other person's dick."

Nix burst out in laughter. It was loud and echoed around my silencing charm having no way to escape. I glared at him and he eventually calmed down.

"How old are you?" he asked.

Not this again.

"Why do you always ask me that?"

"Because I don't want to say anything I shouldn't," Nix said simply.

"I'll be fourteen in just over a month," I told him and he looked thoughtful.

"The big fourteen," he said to himself, "that's a main event."

It was?

"That's when I first had sex, you know," he told me, "it was the oddest thing. I hit fourteen and things just seemed to open up for me. It's like when you come of age, but this has to do with your sexual desires and prowess, I guess. I don't know how to explain it, but things changed for me after that birthday. Barely three days later, I had my first romp. It's funny too because before turning fourteen, I hadn't done much, just kissing and a little over the shirt groping, nothing like you and Sirius. Wait, how old is he?"

"Fourteen," I answered, wondering if there was any stock in this whole fourteen business. I guess I could ask Sirius and I could always find out on my birthday in a month.

"What had you and Sirius done before his fourteenth birthday?" Nix asked.

"I can't remember all the details." It was partly true, but I also wasn't sure I wanted to reveal all of this to Nix. I knew I could trust him, but it was private information. "He had touched me. I had touched him, but it didn't really count. We had kissed. I think we also came together by rubbing our dicks against each other… I don't know, this is so embarrassing."

"It's not embarrassing," Nix said, "it's a part of life, a healthy part. No need to be ashamed, Remus. No oral work then?" he asked.

"Umm, no, not before Sirius turned fourteen."

Nix nodded. "And now he's avoiding you, like that other time?"

"Yeah. I know this is how he processes things, but I can't even connect with him, he just shuts me down every time I bring it up."

"And what are you bringing up?" Nix asked.

"That I want to do it again with him," I said, feeling my face tint pink, "but it's not even possible because we can't get any alone time. Not everyone agrees with what we're doing. ...What about that secret room you mentioned?" I asked. "I think that will solve all of my problems. Can you show me where it is?"

"No," Nix said and I frowned, "that room isn't going to fix your problem."

What was he talking about?

"Every time you approach Sirius it's because you want a repeat performance," Nix explained, "but that's why he's avoiding you, most likely, or at least partly, so coming at him that way isn't going to work. What you need to do, firstly, is stop approaching him like that, he needs to know that you're not going to jump him. Then, once he figuratively trusts you again, start talking to him, not about finding your alone time, but about what's fucking wrong with him."

I blanched.

"Don't take the harshness of my words the wrong way," Nix said, "I'm just trying to tell you that you need to find out why he's running scared. You're not going to get anywhere if you keep avoiding it. Something is making Sirius want alone time and you need to figure out what that is. Chances are you'll be able to talk it out together, but if not, at least you know what the problem is and you can go to someone else for help."

Right, that was smart. I was driven by my lust, which wasn't a bad thing in general, but it was a bad thing in this situation. I knew Sirius had problems with the thought of us being together, our intimacy and our love. I needed to find him and figure it out.

"Why do you call it a dick?" Nix asked, seemingly out of the blue.

"Umm, what?"

"I'm just wondering," Nix said, "it's fine and all, but real men call it a cock. Don't you think that sounds better than dick? Say it, Remus."

"Umm, no, I don't think so," I stammered.

"Come on," Nix laughed, "just once. You can do it."

It was only one word.

"Co-cock," I said. My face felt so hot.

"There you go," Nix said. "I wonder what else you're saying wrong," he pondered, "at least you already know the word cum, but what else? We can skip all the female parts, I guess."

"Why does it even matter?" I asked.

"It doesn't," Nix said, "I'm just trying to expand your vocabulary, especially if you're using the word dick instead of cock."

"O-okay," I said, "what's another word for jerking off then?"

I had never really liked that phrase, Sirius had used it, but it seemed too harsh, too impersonal.

"There are so many terms for that," Nix said, "but sometimes simple is best. I use getting off."

Getting off, I liked that. It definitely sounded better than jerking off, and that's what I was doing, whether it was for myself or Sirius. I was getting him off. I smiled.

"See," Nix said, "I'm just expanding your vocabulary. Do you have any other questions?"

"Umm, what about when you use your mouth?" I asked. "I think you called it oral."

"That's the general term," Nix said, "but if you're doing it on a guy, I'd just go with blow job."

Blow job? That didn't make sense.

"Am I supposed to blow while I'm doing it?" I asked confused.

Nix doubled over in laughter, and it was that bad that I shoved him. He snapped out of it.

"Sorry," he said, "I just forget how young you are. You don't have to blow, it's better to suck, but blowing can be fun too. Try licking the cock, making it wet, and then you can blow on it. It's a nice sensation."

Should I be writing this down?

"What else can I do?" I asked. "I really wanted to put it farther into my mouth, but I couldn't. Can you learn to do it?"

"That's called deep throating," Nix said, "and it feels the best."

"I know," I said, remembering the feeling when Sirius did it to me.

Nix smirked at me. "Don't tell me Sirius deep throated you," Nix said, "that sly dog. So what? You want to return the favor?"

"No, well, yes, but I actually blow jobbed him first."

"Sucked him off," Nix corrected and I nodded.

"I sucked him off first, but I probably did a terrible job."

"Did he cum?" Nix asked.

"Well, umm, yeah, but it hit the back of my throat and I pulled off, then I… umm… licked it off him."

"Nice," Nix said. "Look at you, you'll catch up to me in no time, and don't stress too much about being able to swallow or to deep throat him, I've never done it personally, but it just takes practice and guidance. Fuck," Nix hissed, "is it bad that this is making my cock hard?" He rubbed his covered dick and I watched him. "Are you hard, Remus?"

"Umm, yeah, maybe a little." I was trying not to focus on that.

"Shit," Nix shifted, removing his hand, "if you weren't with Sirius I think I'd actually show you how to suck a cock properly, my cock." He groaned.

My eyes widened, but I didn't dare speak as I knew I'd be a stuttering mess. Nix was hot, extremely hot to me, but he was straight. He had told me that, there had been no chance, but now there was. It opened up so much in my mind, but it kept coming back to Sirius and what I'd told him. I wouldn't throw away what we had for some fling with Nix, or anyone else.

"I'm sure you'd be a good teacher," I said shyly, "but I'm committed to Sirius."

"I understand," Nix said, "it's a pity, but maybe I can find someone else."

"I thought you were straight."

"I am," Nix said, "but now, maybe I'm bi. I don't know. I love sex and I've never thought about guys like that, why would I? But just now, I don't know, I think it's stirred something inside me."

"And you'd just do it?" I asked. "Find a guy and do that to him?"

"Maybe," Nix said, "I don't think I'd suck his cock, but he could suck mine. It's definitely something to think about."

"So there's people out there like that?" I asked. "People who like both."

"Yeah," Nix said, "same sex, different sex, both, animals, objects, just about anything really. I knew of this guy once that was in love with a dragon, it ended up burning his cock off, but who am I to judge. I think they're still together."

"How do you know all of this?" I asked.

"You know me," Nix said, "I thirst for information, just don't tell Flitwick. Sex is something that intrigues me and I've decided to become a master in it. You should do that," Nix said, "not about sex, unless that becomes your thing, but find something you're passionate about and become a master in it."

It was a good thought, but I couldn't think of a single thing I was that passionate about, aside from Sirius, and that thought made me a little sad. There had to be something. It reminded me of the time I tried the Patronus Charm but couldn't master it because I didn't have a happy memory strong enough. I briefly wondered if I did now, I'd have try it again.


	114. Change is Coming

**Change is Coming**

It took me a while to convince Sirius that I was no longer going to jump him. It calmed him to an extent, but he was still standoffish and I wanted to know why. I was going to confront him and I wouldn't let him leave until he told me what his problem was. Nix was right, Sirius and I needed to talk. I needed to know what it was going on his head. He was too old to keep avoiding me.

I found Sirius in the hallway and took my chance.

"We need to talk," I said, casting a silencing charm around us. "Why are you avoiding me?"

Sirius shifted from foot-to-foot. "I'm not avoiding you."

"Russ, please," I said, "just tell me why."

"It's really not important," he told me, his eyes darting around. I could tell he was trying to bolt.

I grabbed his hand, but because we were in the hallway, he pulled it back. At least I hoped it was because of that.

"Did I do something wrong?" I asked.

"What? No," Sirius said, his eyes drilling into mine.

"Then why are you avoiding me?" I asked. "This always happens after we do physical stuff… sexual stuff."

Sirius sighed. "It's not because of that, not this time," he said, but I didn't believe him. "I just got some bad news, that's all."

He had? Why did he never let me in on these things?

"Are you talking to Irma about it?" I asked.

"No."

What? Why?

"What's going on?" I asked. "Please, Russ. I love you, I just want to help you."

"How long is it until your birthday?" he asked and it threw me.

"Umm, I don't know, a month," I stammered.

Did Sirius know how important my fourteenth birthday would be? Nix was so sure it would be a big one.

Sirius rubbed the back of his neck. "Can you give me a couple of hours?" he asked. "I need time to get my thoughts in order then I'll meet you and James in our dorm room." James too? "Make sure Peter's not around."

"Ah, okay," I said. "But why can't you just tell me what's going on? Why does James need to be there?"

Sirius smiled sadly. "You'll know soon enough," he said, and then left.

What was going on?

Waiting those two hours were hell. I busied myself by finding James and then we came up with a plan to keep Peter away. Now we were just sitting in our dorm room waiting for Sirius.

"So, you have no idea what it could be?" James asked.

"No," I said, "Sirius just mentioned that he'd gotten some bad news."

I was so sure Sirius had been obsessing over what we'd done, but now I wasn't sure, especially seeing as he wanted James here as well. Why did Sirius need to get his thoughts in order? What was going on?

Sirius finally joined us and he wasted no time in expertly putting up a locking charm and a silencing charm. He sat on his bed and said nothing.

"What's going on?" James asked and I was glad he was here for whatever this was.

"We have a potential problem," Sirius said.

We? Why was James here?

"Are you sure I should be here?" James asked, standing up. "Because I don't want to get in between you two."

"Just sit down," Sirius said, "this has nothing to do with Remus and me."

It didn't? He had told me that, but what else could it be? Had he gotten bad news from home? No, he was acting fine, well, fine for that at least.

"Please just say it," I said. I was sick of this.

"I've been talking to Newt," Sirius said and my heart sank, this was about Moony. "I've been discussing some thoughts I had with him and…" Sirius trailed off.

This was going to be bad, I could just tell.

Sirius took a deep breath and then expelled all the information I had so desperately wanted.

"The wolf will hit full maturity when Remus turns fourteen," Sirius told us. "He's still been a cub until this point, but soon, everything will change. The affects will last longer and be more intense. Remus will start losing control more, he will have other desires, he will struggle to think rationally at times. It won't just be a one-night thing anymore, it will be a three-day affair over the full moon cycle. It's just…" Sirius paused. "It's just not going to be good. I've been talking with Newt and trying to rack my brain to come up with some solutions but there's nothing. Everything will change and there's nothing we can do to stop it."

What? Three days, not one? I'm going to lose control more? I didn't want this. I was speechless. When Nix had talked about turning fourteen I was curious to see what would change for me sexually, but now I didn't want to grow older. Couldn't I stay a cub forever?

"What are we going to do?" James asked. "Remus, have you felt any different?"

I had, my anger had been lingering lately, but I thought nothing of it. I didn't reply, I was too shocked.

"Don't you get it," Sirius said, "there's nothing we can do, this is just how it's going to be from now on, well, after he turns fourteen, which is too soon. Everything is going to change."

"Then we just adapt," James said, "we put our heads together and we come up with some things that will help him. Remus," James said, "are you okay?"

"I don't want anything to change," I whispered, "I… I can already feel the anger, maybe for the past month, it's been sticking around. I thought I was just frustrated."

I always knew the wolf would grow up, but I thought it already had. I always wondered how Greyback was so evil when I wasn't and now I knew, I was just a cub, I was still growing, I hadn't experienced anything yet. How much worse could it get? I didn't want to do it, it'd be too much, I needed a way out.

"Don't you dare," Sirius said, getting off his bed and towering over me, "you will not give up, that is not the answer, you can't leave me, please don't leave me."

Sirius' walls crumbled and he pulled me to him, burying his head against my chest. My arms went around him. He had known about this for at least a month, it was upsetting him, he didn't want Moony to have this much power either, but there was nothing we could do.

"Don't leave me," Sirius said harshly.

"I won't," I promised him.

James cleared his throat. "Umm, do you want me to leave?" he asked.

"No," Sirius snapped and James stayed.

"We can figure this out," James said after a while. "Does every werewolf go through this?" he asked.

Sirius pulled back and sat on his bed.

"No," his voice was tight, "not entirely. It seems as though it only happens to werewolves who are changed before the age of fourteen. They haven't matured yet so the wolf matures with the boy. For wizards changed after fourteen, they do have cub years, but it's not similar, they've always felt the full effects. It's not the same, nowhere close. Newt has only heard of a few cases of young wizards making the transition and…" Sirius took a deep breath, "the werewolf ends up killing itself because the change at fourteen is too much for it."

Moony was going to kill me. My heart sunk.

"We won't let that happen," James declared, "we will figure this out."

"Don't you get it," Sirius said, "we can't fix this, James, it's going to happen."

"I'm not giving up," James said, heading for the door.

"Where are you going?" Sirius asked.

"The library."

"Don't bother," Sirius said, "there's nothing useful there, I've checked."

James came back and grabbed his cloak out of his trunk. "Have you checked the restricted section?" James asked.

Sirius shook his head no and James left.

"You have, haven't you?" I said. I knew Sirius well, he would've exhausted every avenue.

"Yeah," he sighed, "but James can look too, maybe he'll find something I missed."

We both knew that wasn't going to happen.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked. I had a right to know.

"I wanted all the facts first," Sirius said. "I felt a change within me when I turned fourteen and I started wondering if you'd have a change too and how that would affect Moony. Newt and I have been discussing it. Then I wanted to find a solution for you, but there is none."

"You were going to tell me though, right?" I asked.

"Of course," Sirius said.

"When?" I pressed, but Sirius didn't answer. "When?"

"After," he said.

After I turned fourteen? Why wouldn't he tell me beforehand? Why wouldn't he let me prepare?

"Why?" I asked, feeling hurt.

"Because…" Sirius trailed off, "I wanted to be there, I wanted to help Moony through it, but now that you know, I know that won't be happening. I don't want you to go through it alone, Remy."

He was right. I wouldn't let Padfoot anywhere near Moony, not with so much unknown.

"Please," Sirius said, "let me come with you to the next full moon, the last one before your birthday. Please. Nothing will have changed by then. Please, I need this too."

I didn't want to agree, I didn't want to take the risk, but this could be the last time Moony ever saw Padfoot and I couldn't take that away from him.

I nodded my head and Sirius was back in my arms.

"Thank you, Remy," he said.

I held onto him again, still trying to process everything. The one thing that kept coming back to me was that Sirius said it would now be a three-day event. What did that mean? I hoped I wouldn't change into a werewolf every night. I'd never heard about that before, I hadn't heard of any of this, so who really knew what would happen. I just hoped that Moony wouldn't kill himself.


	115. Padfoot's Final Full Moon

**Padfoot's Final Full Moon**

Sirius and I were in the shack getting ready for the full moon.

"This is weird," I told him.

"It's fucking bittersweet is what it is," Sirius said. "Do you know how hard I worked to become an Animagus and then I only got to spend three full moons with you."

I didn't mind that too much, I preferred being alone. Moony was the one who got to spend time with Padfoot, not me. I wouldn't tell Sirius this though, so I stayed silent.

"Don't you care?" he asked, stepping closer to me. "We finally found a way for you not to be alone and now that's being ripped from us."

 _We_ didn't find anything, Sirius did it without asking.

"Stop with this fucking no talking business," Sirius said. "This has to be affecting you too, I know it is."

It was, but I was more worried about all the changes that were coming, not that I'd be losing Sirius' company during the full moon.

"Do you want me to leave?" he asked.

I did, but I couldn't tell him that. He needed this, I knew that.

"No," I whispered.

Sirius huffed and went over to my spot by the stairs. I watched him curiously. I knew he liked to be with me but the risk was too high and it was only going to get worse. I knew Moony wouldn't take the loss of Padfoot well, or any of the new changes. I was so scared that he would kill himself, but what could I do? Moony needed to mature, just like I did.

Sirius marched over to me and his lips were on mine. It was fierce and full of hurt. He bit my lip and pulled hard. I knew he was frustrated with me, but I liked my silence lately. It was just easier to stay silent and not make anything worse, not confirm any of my fears. I felt blood on my lip, but I didn't care, I just kissed him back twice as hard.

We had to pull back eventually. We stared each other down, both panting, both trying to catch our breath. My lip was still bleeding, I could feel the blood running down my chin, but I didn't bother wiping it. Sirius' lip looked bruised. I still stayed silent.

"Just be honest with me," Sirius said, "just tell me how you feel about all of this."

I couldn't do that.

He screamed in frustration.

I didn't like seeing him hurt this way, I hated that I was the cause of it, but I couldn't tell him how I felt. I couldn't say how relieved I was that this was the last ever full moon he would risk his life on. I couldn't tell him how the anger was with me almost always now and how I had to struggle just to keep my mind level. I couldn't tell him that I was sure Moony would kill me, maybe not on the first full moon after my fourteenth birthday, but sometime after. I couldn't tell him how excited I was to see what changed inside me on the sexual front. I was a mess of emotions and thoughts and I couldn't tell him anything.

"This is pointless," Sirius said, and a moment later he became Padfoot.

I sunk to the floor. "I'm sorry," I said, dropping my head, "I just… My head's a mess… I don't know."

Padfoot sidled up to me and nudged me with his nose.

"Everything's changing," I whispered, "and I'm so scared."

Why was I telling him this? I had been so against it a moment ago, but when he was in his dog form, I just felt so safe, I felt as though I could tell him anything and he wouldn't judge me.

"I don't know what to do, Pads," I said, rubbing his neck, my fingers disappearing underneath his thick black fur, "the anger, it's increasing, I can feel it. I… I don't like it. It's familiar, but it makes me not feel like myself. I just wish Moony didn't have to grow up."

Padfoot licked my chin and I laughed, I couldn't help it. It tickled, but it was also so amusing. Sirius made the best dog. I buried my face in his fur and hugged him to me tightly. He licked my neck.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled into his fur. I knew with his dog hearing he'd be able to hear me clear as day. "I just… sometimes staying silent is easier for me. I know you don't like it and I know you deserve more, but that's just how I'm dealing with everything right now."

I hoped he understood.

I pulled back. The full moon was coming, I could feel Moony getting ready to take over. This was new too, being able to feel him before he ruled my body. It was a good warning sign and I hoped it stopped me from ever being caught out in the open. I smiled sadly at Padfoot as I began my routine.

I got undressed, putting my clothes neatly in the corner. Usually I kept my underwear on, but Sirius had already seen all of me and it was time for me to grow up out of my childish ways.

Padfoot's eyes widened and he growled lowly, his eyes never leaving me. I still couldn't believe his love for me. He loved me unconditionally. I was scarred beyond belief, and it'd only get worse, but Sirius didn't care, he never had.

I sat down beside him, near the stairs, and he rubbed his fur against my side, it was so soft. I went to open my mouth, I wanted to warn him, but I closed it. Aside from the fact that Padfoot would never listen to me, I didn't want to enforce my rules on him, not tonight. This was his last chance to be with Moony and he could do with it whatever he wanted.

My first bone snapped and I looked at Padfoot concerned. I hoped Moony wouldn't know that this was their last time together, I hoped Moony wouldn't hurt him, I hoped Moony wouldn't scar him.

* * *

 **Moony's POV**

I craned my neck, stretching out my back. Something felt different this time, but I couldn't put my finger on it.

I searched for Padfoot. He was here. That was three times now. I liked this. He was my friend. He was alive, he could play with me. I was no longer alone.

I smiled at him, at least I think I was smiling. It was my happiness shining through, and that's what I was, happy.

I had come so far. From that dark, cold, wet space with no window, where I was chained up. To this shack with its window to the moon, space to move, freedom. To the little ball of feathers Rensen. To my toys. To Padfoot, my equal in every way. He was just like me. He didn't care when I bit him too hard, he just bit me straight back. I had come so far and I couldn't wait to see how far I'd go. But for now, I was happy.

Padfoot yapped at me, I still couldn't understand him, but that didn't matter.

We did what we did. We ran, we chased, we played. We did it all together. He didn't mind when I hurt him, he hurt me too. We didn't stop until we were sleepy. I curled up on the floor and he joined me.

I was half asleep when I felt Padfoot pulling my neck. He wasn't touching my neck, but he was pulling. I opened one eye and he had something black in his mouth, it was attached to my neck. He pulled hard, for a long time, and it broke.

I watched him and everything cleared up. It was as though my mind had been dimmed, but now it wasn't. What was that? Was it because of what was around my neck? No, that would be impossible.

I couldn't stop staring at Padfoot, I was seeing him in a new light. His sweet scent was igniting something inside of me. Things were shifting, my emotions were swirling. All of them, flashing by so fast, and then it all settled.

I was still staring at Padfoot and his calm grey eyes stared back at mine. Neither of us wavered. I didn't know what it was, I didn't have a name for it, but one thing was clear; I didn't want to hurt Padfoot, not anymore.

I could see blood on him, discolored skin from the bruises I had made. I had marked him. He was fine, it was all in fun, but no more. I wanted to protect him. I loved him.


	116. RJ

**RJ**

I woke up first and I snuggled further into Sirius' side. We were still in the shack, but he was no longer in his dog form. I couldn't believe this was it. I had my usual aches and pains, but I was okay. I cracked open an eye and Sirius looked fine too. This was our last full moon together and it had me feeling regretful.

Why had I fought Sirius on this so much? He had always wanted to spend the full moon with me, but I didn't let him and now we were done. I'd be fourteen before my next one and who knows what that would bring. Give me a time turner. I held him to me tighter, not wanting this moment to end. I had been so foolish.

Sirius eventually stirred awake, but I didn't let him move.

"Remy," he groaned, "too tight."

I loosened my grip a little, but not much. Sirius managed to turn in my arms so he was looking at me.

"I'm sorry," I told him.

"For what?"

"For not letting you be with me, all that time I wasted and now we're done."

"Don't say that," Sirius said, "you know me, I will find a way, and I know you, you won't let these changes take over, you will find a way to make them work for you, I know you will. We will be okay."

I let go of Sirius and sat up. Something was missing. I reached up to my neck, where was the necklace. I looked around the room and found it away from us. How had it come off? I went over the picked it up. The rubber chain had broken, but how? Moony couldn't have done it, he didn't even know it was there. Sirius. I turned to him.

"You did this," I stated.

"Yes, as you said, it was our last full moon. I had to see how Moony would react to me without it."

"And?" I prompted.

"Well, I can't be sure," Sirius said, "but I think he loves me, well, Padfoot specifically, there was just something in his eyes."

That couldn't be right. Moony wasn't capable of love. He was an evil being. I decided to ignore the thought and got dressed quickly. We were done, why linger. Next full moon I'd be here alone, with no Sirius, no Padfoot… Moony wouldn't like that. I couldn't even bring Rensen with me because I didn't know what the changes would do to me.

I picked up my wand and jumped into the tunnel.

"Wait up," Sirius called out, following me.

I didn't wait. I was frustrated and tired and confused. I just wanted to go to sleep. As we got closer to the Whomping Willow, Sirius transformed into Padfoot. No one was there to meet me. This was becoming more common, all I had to do was swing by the hospital wing, get checked and then be on my way. If I didn't show up, Poppy would come looking for me.

Sirius stayed as Padfoot and away from me until we were back to the castle. He left me go see Poppy by myself, but he was waiting for me when I was done and we headed back to Gryffindor Tower together.

"Are you okay?" he asked me. "You're being quiet."

"I just need sleep."

Sirius seemed to accept my answer. He looked tired too. It was still early and we slipped into our dorm easily enough. James and Peter were still sleeping. I paused by James' bed.

"What does he think he's doing?" I questioned, anger boiling inside me.

James was sleeping with Rensen. I felt a protective urge surge through me. That was mine and Sirius' owl. I knew my anger was due to all the changes coming and I hated it. I didn't want to turn fourteen.

"Let him sleep," Sirius said, but I couldn't do that.

I snatched Rensen off James which earned me a peck from Rensen. A sleepy James sat up, rubbing his eyes.

"What the fuck?" he said. "Give RJ back to me."

RJ? My anger continued to boil.

"Come on," Sirius said, "you need sleep." He tried to guide me away, but I didn't move.

"What did you call him?" I asked quietly.

"RJ," James said, "he likes it, it stands for Rensen James, I named him after me, clever right. Anyway, he gets lonely when you two go off, so I look out for him, snuggle him. He's a good cuddle buddy."

I growled lowly. "His name is Rensen, not Rensen James or RJ. Leave. Him. Alone."

"Okay," James agreed, laying back down.

"Come on," Sirius said, "the last time you were like this you cursed a hallway full of students. Lay down, you have Rensen now. Get some sleep."

"What about you?" I asked. "Are you sleeping too?"

"Yes," Sirius told me, "Moony's hard to keep up with."

"Sleep with me and I'll sleep too," I said.

Sirius hesitated and looked over his shoulder at Peter who was somehow still sleeping.

"Whatever," I said, handing Rensen to Sirius.

I didn't need them. I didn't need anyone. I didn't need sleep.

"Umm, James, mate," Sirius said, "I think you better get Lily to do that weird head rub thing on him."

James groaned, but got out of bed.

I noticed that Sirius stood in between me and the door. I grasped my wand tightly, he was no match for me.

"I don't need her," I said quietly.

"Lie down then," Sirius said, "show me."

Whatever. I pulled the covers back and laid down. Is this how I would feel all the time now? So volatile, so angry, so upset? I didn't want that. I grabbed my spare pillow and hugged it to me.

"What's going on?" Lily asked, coming into the room.

No one said anything and then she appeared in front of me. I looked into her kind green eyes. She put up a silencing charm.

"Are you okay?" she asked me.

"No," I admitted.

"What can I do?"

I liked that she didn't ask what was wrong.

"I don't think there's anything that anyone can do," I said. "The wolf matures when I turn fourteen in three weeks and I can already feel him growing and changing. I don't like it."

"Change is always difficult," Lily told me, "but you don't have to do it alone, you can't push those who love you away. We love you, Remus, and we will help you however we can. Everything will be okay."

She sounded so sincere, but there was so much unknown.

"Go to sleep," she told me, "things are always better when you sleep on them." She leaned forward and kissed my forehead. "Find me whenever you're feeling like this," she told me. "I won't judge you, I'll just listen and be there for you."

I nodded my head. Lily just had a calming presence about her.

"Now," she said, "I know those two can be idiots, but don't be too hard on them, they can't help it."

I smiled.

Lily removed her silencing charm and stepped away.

"Do you still want me to sleep with you?" Sirius asked once Lily had left the room.

"Yes," I answered.

"Here," James threw his invisibility cloak to us, "I'll cover for both of you today."

Sirius put the cloak over me and then took the place of the pillow I was hugging. He held me tightly.

"It will be okay, Remy," he whispered to me, "I'll make sure of it."

Yet again I knew it was impossible, but I was sure of one thing, Sirius hadn't failed me yet and I knew he would do everything he could to make life easier for me and Moony.

I wrapped my arms around him. "Thank you, Russ."


	117. Remus Turns Fourteen - 1

**Remus Turns Fourteen – Part 1**

I thought becoming a wolf was the hardest thing I'd ever have to endure, but that seemed like child's play compared to this. Letting the wolf mature, it was changing everything about me. I no longer felt like myself. I was snapping at everyone, even Sirius. I just wanted to hide away, but I still had to attend classes and eat in the Great Hall. The only two people I could tolerate were Lily and Padfoot.

Lily just had a calming presence, she never pushed me to talk about what was wrong, she just sat with me and listened. And Padfoot, well, I loved him, so much. I'd never had a dog before, but I just felt safe and secure in his presence. I knew it wasn't fair to Sirius, to only treat him lovingly in his Animagus form, but it's all I could handle.

Everything was slipping. I didn't listen in class, nor do the homework. I didn't go to Flitwick's club anymore. I had gotten detention twice, but it should've been more than that. Once for cursing Peter, way too many times, and once for talking back to McGonagall. Everyone tried to ask me what was wrong, even Dumbledore, but I didn't tell them anything. Too many people already knew and I didn't want to think about it.

It was currently dark, everyone was fast asleep, at least I hoped they were. I looked over at Sirius' bed. He had his eyes closed and Rensen was buried in the crook of his neck. He seemed as though he asleep, but I could never be sure with him. I had to risk it though. I carefully climbed off my bed and dug through James' trunk, finding his cloak.

I couldn't be here, not when the clock struck midnight and I officially became fourteen.

"Remy," I heard Sirius say.

I froze, waiting for more, but there was nothing. I turned back, Sirius was still fast asleep. I must be hearing things. I went to leave again.

"Remy," Sirius repeated.

I went over to him. His voice sounded so pained. He was still asleep. Had Sirius set up a spell in case I left? It sounded like him, but then again it didn't. I knew Sirius, he had once made sure I got a piece of chocolate cake on my one hundredth transformation. He should be awake for this moment, why wasn't he?

I reached out and ran my hand through his long hair, it was getting past his shoulders now. I think he had stopped trimming it. Sirius tried to shift away from me, his eyes were still closed. This wasn't right. I climbed onto the bed and put my hand on his cheek, jostling him gently.

Sirius' eyes slowly blinked open and he looked at me, but it was as though he was looking right through me. No. This reminded me of the time Sirius had lost his mind.

"Russ," I whispered, but he didn't react.

Had my obsession caused this? I was so worried about what would happen to me that I had hardly paid any attention to Sirius. He loved me, so of course he'd be suffering too. That was just Sirius, he took on other people's problems and pain. Mine, Regulus', probably James' too.

Midnight struck and I felt no different. I breathed a sigh of relief, I still had time. Maybe the wolf didn't fully mature until my birth time, that made more sense. I still wasn't looking forward to it, but it gave me more time. I picked up Rensen, who protested by pecking my thumb. He was still mad at me and I didn't blame him. I was neglecting him too.

I took Rensen's place in the crook of Sirius' neck and I threw the invisibility cloak over us to be safe. When I was there, breathing in Sirius' scent, with a sleepy Rensen in my hands, I felt calm. This was where I was supposed to be, but I couldn't subject them to me. They deserved better.

I feel asleep and I awoke to Sirius clutching me tightly, too tightly. I pulled back, hoping he would be better than last night. Sirius was staring at me so intently, but he was focused on me this morning and that was a good thing.

Sirius frowned. "What happened last night?" he asked. "I was having the weirdest dream, you were trying to leave, or something, and my mother was there. I think you were going towards her and I couldn't get to you."

Had it just been a dream? I looked around us, it was early, James and Peter were still asleep, I kept my voice low.

"I don't know," I told him.

"Then why are you in my bed?" he asked. "Did I call for you? Regulus said sometimes I do that. I think it's to do with my Legilimency."

"You did call me, twice," I told him. Is that why I had heard him when he was asleep, had he reached out to me by my mind? Sirius' brain did work in mysterious ways due to all the abuse he'd suffered.

"Oh," Sirius said, holding me tighter.

He seemed disappointed.

"What?" I asked him.

"I willed you here," he said, "you didn't do it willingly."

Is that why he was holding me in a death grip? He didn't want me to leave him?

"Do you want Padfoot?" he asked and my suspicions were confirmed.

"No," I told him, but he didn't relax. "I'm sorry, Russ," I said. "I'm just having a hard time adjusting to this." I had told him this and much more in his dog form. It still didn't make it fair, but he knew all my fears and worries.

"I love you," Sirius whispered, "and nothing will change that. We will get through this, we're almost over the hump, we can do it. How are you doing so far today?"

I didn't know whether I loved or hated that he wasn't wishing me a happy birthday. I just wanted it to be another normal birthday that I could spend with Sirius, but it wasn't normal.

"I feel the same," I told him, "ready to snap at a moment's notice, but it's not too bad right now. I think maybe it'll happen later, I'm not technically fourteen yet."

Sirius nodded his head and no more was said on the matter.

"Will you stay with me," he said, "as long as you can?"

Sirius wasn't pushing this, he was accepting that I most likely wanted to go through this alone, but now, being close to him and Rensen, maybe I could be surrounded by those I loved, but I didn't want to hurt them. I had no idea what would happen to me when Moony officially matured today. I wouldn't put them in danger. The destiny of the werewolf was to be alone and I shouldn't be any different than that.


	118. Remus Turns Fourteen – 2

**Remus Turns Fourteen – Part 2**

I left Sirius, it was hard to do, but needed. I couldn't be around anyone when the wolf matured. I considered going to the shack, but that didn't seem right, so instead, I hid just inside the Forbidden Forest. I sat on an uprooted tree and looked at the castle, thinking of how easy everyone else's lives were. No one here needed to worry about turning into a wolf every month, only me.

And, after today, it would only get worse. Moony would be fully matured, Sirius said it would be a three-day event. I didn't want anything to change, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I braced myself for my birth time four o' three, but nothing happened. That time came and went. I was officially fourteen now, yet nothing had happened. I sat in the forest for another hour, but still nothing. Maybe this change would be a gradual one, maybe I'd already made it without knowing, maybe Sirius and Newt had been wrong.

I was relieved, I felt good. Nothing was going to happen. I left the forest and went to find Sirius. He was in the Great Hall and that surprised me. I realized he had been waiting for me. I hated that I had shut him out, but I couldn't risk him. Sirius' worried face met mine and then he was guarded. I sat down next to him.

"I feel fine," I told him, "maybe you were wrong."

I could tell Sirius didn't believe me, but he didn't say anything about it.

"Can I celebrate your birthday with you now?" he asked.

That got me excited, Sirius always made my birthday a special occasion.

"Yes, please."

"Well, firstly," he said, "Happy Birthday."

I smiled wider, remembering how he hadn't said it to me in the early hours of the morning.

"Thanks," I said, "so what are we going to do, did you get me any presents, did Buttons make me a chocolate cake again?"

"What do you want to do?" he asked, ever gracious.

"Be with you," I said, it was so good not to be burdened by Moony now. It was just me and Sirius.

"This is your birthday, not mine."

"Please, Russ, your happiness is important to me too and that's what I want. I don't want to be in the Great Hall when I know you hate it. Let's go somewhere else."

"Okay,' Sirius accepted, standing up.

I itched to take his hand in mine, but I knew we couldn't do that. Instead I followed him to the kitchen.

"Don't get too excited," he told me, "I don't want to share you, so this cake won't be as big as last year's."

I didn't care.

The cake was smaller, smaller than small, and I was disappointed. Sirius laughed.

"It's not the size that matters," he said, "it's how it tastes. I got Buttons to make the richest chocolate cake she could. Anymore than this and you'd surely be sick and I don't want that for what I've got in mind."

Sirius had more plans? I liked the sound of that.

He stepped towards the cake and put in a candle, lighting it.

"I found it curious," Sirius said, "last year on my birthday you made such a fuss about me making a birthday wish and then you didn't even make one on yours, but you can make one this year."

"Did you make one on your birthday?" I asked, before remembering that was the day his mind had broken.

"I did," Sirius said, "I didn't have a cake or blow out a candle, but I did make a wish."

I wondered what it was, but I knew he couldn't tell me, if he did, it wouldn't come true. Sirius' eyes met mine and he looked vulnerable.

"I wished that you wouldn't leave me," he said. "I could feel myself breaking, I knew I couldn't stop it and all I wanted was you. For you not to leave me physically and for you not to leave me when you realized how broken I was. It came true, you were by my side through it all. Thank you, Remy. If ever needed, I will do the same."

I did love it when Sirius opened up, and without being prompted. I pulled him to me, kissing him. Merlin, I loved him. One of the house elves cleared their throat, but I didn't care. I was fourteen now, I wasn't eleven, I didn't care what anyone thought. I loved Sirius Black and I was going to show him that. Sirius kissed me back and it was the most wonderful thing.

"Excuse me," someone said and Sirius froze, pulling away from me, dropping his head.

I was still in a daze, smiling lazily, but when I turned to face the newcomer, everything drained away. I stepped back so I was beside Sirius and reached for his hand. He tried to pull away, but I didn't let him, I needed him.

"I was just coming down to steal some treacle tart before dinner," Dumbledore said.

We were so busted. I wished we could apparate away and never come back.

Sirius was clutching at my hand so desperately.

"The tart is over there, I believe," I said, pointing away from us, trying to dismiss him.

Dumbledore studied us closely. "Very well," he said, going over to the tarts and getting himself a piece. He came back and stood in front of us. "I see you've been practicing Legilimency, Mr. Black," he said. "Mr. Lupin, I hope you remember my warnings and will continue to heed them."

And then he was gone. Sirius pulled his hand away from mine.

"What was that?" he asked. "What warnings?"

"Remember when I went and saw Dumbledore to smooth things over, the meeting that resulted in us being able to stay friends out in the open, well, Dumbledore warned me. Apparently, he had fallen in love with a boy and it ended badly. He thought the same thing would happen with us, with you being a Black and all. I didn't believe him, but I agreed just to get away."

"I am a Black though," Sirius said.

"And I'm a werewolf," I told him, "if you ask me, I think it's perfect. We understand each other on a level no one else can. We both know what it's like to be something we don't want to be, to be judged for it. Please don't worry about him, Russ. Who cares that he knows? It had to come out at some point."

"I'm not ready to go public," Sirius said.

My heart fell, but I understood. "That's okay," I said, "I will wait until you're ready. Now, for my birthday wish."

I stepped up to the lit candle and thought hard about what to wish for. I knew not to wish for the impossible, like for my scars to disappear, or for Moony to leave, or even not to mature. It needed to be something possible, but what? I had Sirius and his love, I was doing well in school, Moony was currently calm, what else did I need to wish for? And then I realized, I didn't need a wish, but Sirius did.

There were so many things I could wish for him. For him to be free of his mother, for him to never be abused again, for him and Regulus to be closer, for him to be in less mental pain… There were too many things.

I leaned towards the candle, wish ready.

 _I wish Sirius Black the happiness he deserves_.

I blew out the candle and watched the smoke drift away. This was the first year I had ever used the wish for someone other than myself. I wasn't sure if that was allowed, but I didn't care. Sirius looked at me oddly, had he heard my wish, would that break the rules? I wanted to ask him, but I didn't want to accuse him of invading my mind either.

"Are you going to eat your cake?" he asked.

Cake, right. I brushed all my thoughts aside and took a bite. Sirius was right, it was rich, so sickly, but I loved it and I ate it all. I was so full and satisfied by the end of it. It was so good. I thanked Sirius and Buttons. I didn't want to move, so I sat down for a while, completely content.

"Next year," Sirius said, "my wish will be for you."

He had heard me. I looked up at him in apology.

"You know you make me happy, right, Remy?" he said.

I did know that, I nodded my head.

"I hate that you wasted your wish on me."

"I didn't waste it," I told him, "your happiness should come from more places than just me. I really hope it comes true for you."

"Can you move yet?" Sirius asked. "I have more planned."

"Hmm," I moaned, "I'm going to need a few more minutes."

Sirius smiled and I really hoped he'd find the happiness he deserved.


	119. Remus Turns Fourteen – 3

**Remus Turns Fourteen – Part 3**

"Where are we going?" I asked Sirius as he led the way.

I was brimming with excitement. Previously the thought of my fourteenth birthday had been filled with dread ever since I found out about the wolf maturing, but now that was all past me. I honestly thought Sirius and Newt were wrong about the whole thing.

Sirius stopped in the middle of a hallway and faced the wall, staring intently, and then he walked back and forth three times. What was he doing? I was just about to question him when a door appeared out of nowhere.

"What's this?" I asked.

"Remember that room Nix was telling us about?" Sirius said. "I got him to show me."

The secret undetectable room. My dick twitched at the possibilities of being completely alone with Sirius.

We entered the room and I noticed it was warm, welcoming and intimate, with a bed in the center. The room had a muted glow over the bed, but the rest of the room was dark. It was inviting and all I wanted to do was run and jump onto the bed, offering myself to Sirius, but I held back, not knowing his intentions.

Sirius didn't move or say anything. I looked at him and he seemed vulnerable. I reached for his hand, squeezing it.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

"What?" Sirius snapped out of it. "Yeah."

Still he did nothing.

"Umm, Sirius, why are we here?" I asked, still not wanting to assume.

Sirius smiled a full-blown smile at me. I had never seen him look this happy or carefree.

"Come here," he said, pulling me towards him by my robes.

The action surprised me and I stumbled towards him. My hands went out to stop myself from falling and they landed on Sirius' chest. Had he been lifting weights? He definitely felt more defined. My mind was thoroughly distracted when Sirius' lips met mine.

He kissed me with such an intensity and I tried to keep up, but I was struggling. His hands went all over my body; through my hair, on my neck, my arms, my back, before they settled on my ass. Sirius groaned into my mouth as he grabbed me and pulled me tighter to him.

My head swam as I felt all of him. Was Nix right? Was turning fourteen the point where everything changed sexually? It definitely felt more intense. I didn't just want Sirius, I needed him with every part of my being. My hands slid down to his ass, kneading it as I pulled him to me. I was already hard and aching, so was Sirius by the feel of it. He shifted his hips and soon our dicks were lined up side-by-side. I groaned. I needed more, more, but how?

I groaned again, but out of frustration. Sirius' hands left my ass and went up to my biceps as he led me backwards towards the bed. My knees hit it and Sirius leaned me backwards, hovering over me, never breaking the kiss. When we were both on the bed, he pulled me further on until my whole body was lying flat, with him over me.

He was keeping himself off me, but I was having none of that. I wrapped my leg around him and pulled him towards me. His hips met mine again and I groaned. We began rubbing against each other and I couldn't stop moaning and groaning. Sirius' lips left my mouth and went straight for my neck; licking, kissing and sucking.

I gripped his shirt and ran my hand through his long hair, holding him against my neck. He could do whatever he wanted as long as he didn't stop kissing my neck. He licked the long scar that was always visible above my shirt collar and I bucked my hips into his, letting out a low groan. He did it again, and so did I. Why did that feel so good?

"Off," Sirius grunted, pulling back long enough to push my robes off my shoulders and pull my sweater vest off. He made quick work of my tie and then unbuttoned the top two buttons of my shirt before pulling it off too. Then he was back, licking me everywhere, tracing my scars. My head swam with pleasure. Sirius didn't hate my scars, he loved them. It brought a tear to my eye.

I loved him so much and he loved me. I didn't know how I got so lucky to get him as my boyfriend.

"Sirius, Sirius," I panted, "please."

"Please what?" he asked, bracing himself about me, his hair falling in front of his face. I went to push it out of the way so I could see his gray eyes, but Sirius did it with one of his hands. He held it back as his eyes met mine, they were so intense, drilling into mine. "What do you want?" he asked, slightly out of breath.

"More," I said, lifting my hips to meet him.

Sirius closed his eyes, throwing his head back as his hand left his hair to brace himself above me again.

"You don't know what you're asking," Sirius said, "you're still young, we have time."

"Russ," I pleaded.

"It's going to hurt," he warned me.

"I don't care." And I really didn't, I just needed to feel closer to him.

"Okay." Sirius breathed out shakily.

Yes. I pulled his mouth towards mine, wanting to get us back up to the height of pleasure we were at. It didn't take long. Sirius was kissing my scars this time. It felt good, but I needed more. I pushed him off me and sat astride his hips, looking down at him.

Sirius looked vulnerable again. His hand went to his hair, pushing it back. I grabbed his tie and pulled him up. He sat, resting back on his hands as I fumbled to get his tie undone and then I undid each button of his shirt, concentrating hard. I smirked when it was undone. My eyes met his and they were intense once more. I discarded his shirt and stared at his unscarred chest, running my hands down his silky-smooth skin.

I felt a territorial urge rise inside of me. "Mine," I all but growled.

"Yes," Sirius said, "all yours."

He wrapped his arms around me, skin to skin, scarred against silky smooth. His lips met mine as his hand gripped my neck authoritatively. I couldn't have that, I pushed him back down onto the bed and put my hands on his chest to keep him there. I liked being above him and in charge. I shifted my hips until I could rub myself up and down Sirius' dick. His wasn't touching mine, but I didn't care.

Sirius' hands went to my hips, guiding me. He wasn't making any noises, but I couldn't focus on that right now. I threw my head back, reveling in the fact that I was bringing him pleasure. Sirius bucked his hips, rolling us over. He was back on top and he wasted no time in pulling off the rest of my clothes before ridding himself of his. He was hard and smooth.

I threw my head back, not wanting to cum too soon. It was good to feel my dick out in the open, no longer being caged by my pants. Sirius' hand found its way to my leg and lightly scratched upwards. I sat up, panting, as I watched him trace up my scar, going the reverse way Moony had, reversing the negative thoughts I had about them. Now, when I looked at my scars, I would imagine Sirius worshipping them, how they brought pleasure, not pain.

It was all too much. I laid back down, throwing my arm over my eyes. Sirius' hand reached the top of the scar and then he skirted my hip and my dick before running his fingers downwards towards my ass. His fingers went to my crack and I tensed up before relaxing. No one had ever touched me there before, but I trusted Sirius and I wanted this. I needed to be closer to him.

Sirius stilled and I pulled my arm away from my eyes to look at him. My face must've said everything because Sirius focused back on what I wanted. He circled me down there and I fought not to tense up. It was an odd sensation and it made me tingly all over as my body shook. Sirius would periodically glance at me, so I didn't hide my face again. Every time he looked at me, he was reassured and he went back to task.

I tensed up as his wet fingertip penetrated me. I didn't know when he wet it or how, but I didn't care. It slid in easily and once he had it settled and I was relaxed, I quite liked the feeling of it all. It was an intrusion, but it was Sirius inside of me, the closest we would ever get to being one. He started pumping in and out of me slowly and once I was shifting all over the place, he added a second finger. It was overwhelming, but felt great.

He pulled his fingers out and his eyes met mine again. I nodded my head and he paused for a moment. Was he reading my mind? _I want this, I want you to be inside of me, I want to be closer to you_. Sirius' nodded and guided his dick towards me. It was bigger than two of his fingers. I threw my head back, hand over my eyes, losing myself in the feeling. Knowing it was Sirius' dick inside of me was too much. I could feel it pulse and twitch.

Oh Merlin. My dick was leaking pre-cum and it didn't even care that it was being abandoned. Sirius settled himself in fully and I heard him hiss. He lifted my legs and my ass, putting his knees underneath me. I removed my arm and looked at him. His gray eyes were locked on mine and his damp hair was falling everywhere. I reached up and pushed it behind his ear, wanting to see him better.

Sirius' dick twitched and then he started moving, so slowly, too slowly. I raised my hips and Sirius chuckled, holding them down. He continued to go slowly and I was moaning and groaning, shifting all over the place. I wanted more of him, I wanted him to speed up, I wanted him to let go and give himself to me. He was still so reserved, so quiet, putting me first.

After too long, he did speed up and I was more than ready for it. Feeling him inside me, seeing him above me, the pleasure on his face, it was all too much. I felt like my heart would split in two, I felt like my mind was about to explode, I felt like my dick would forever be hard and aching. I was right on the edge and so was Sirius. His hand went to my dick, pumping it and I groaned. This was it.

So close, so, so close, and then it happened. The switch flicked inside of me and everything overtook me. I roared as I came. Sirius came too, I could feel him twitching inside me, feel him coating me, but that was the last thing I processed. The feeling was intense and overwhelming. The anger had grown, I could feel Moony with me stronger than ever, and I couldn't hold back any longer. He had matured.

My eyes met Sirius' and I could find some calm in them, but not enough. My face twisted in malice as I growled at him. I pushed him off me and knelt above him. How dare he think he was the dominant one. I was a werewolf, I was clearly the one who was supposed to be in charge, not him. I needed to put him in his place, I needed to hurt him. Only then would he realize his true place in this relationship, only then. I stretched my fingers out, my nails sharp as I dug them into his skin. His eyes went wide, but I didn't care. I had a one-track mind and I always got what I wanted.


	120. Remus Turns Fourteen – 4

**Remus Turns Fourteen – Part 4**

The body underneath me morphed. No longer was I digging my fingers into Russ' skin, but into the fur and skin of Padfoot. I growled, that wasn't playing fair. I nipped at him, but he just laid there, his gray eyes staring at me. Those eyes, that calming presence. I didn't want it to affect me, but it did. I knelt back, panting.

The anger was still coursing through me, but I didn't want to hurt Padfoot, only Sirius, but even then, I knew I didn't want to, Moony did. I could feel him more now. His strength, his anger, his power. Sirius had taken me, but all I wanted right now was to take him. If he wasn't hiding as Padfoot, maybe I would. I knew it was wrong, I did, but Moony was pushing me.

Is this how it would be always now? I didn't want that, but Moony had matured, I had felt it, I was still feeling it. I really wanted to fuck Sirius right now, couldn't he change back? I whined. I wanted him. I needed him. I had to be the dominant one. I had to put him in his place. But not as Padfoot.

"Stop hiding from me, Russ," I said, just above a snarl. I wanted him.

Padfoot finally moved, slowly. He sat in front of me mirroring my position. I could see Sirius in his eyes, but it wasn't enough. I knew this was wrong. I knew this wasn't me. How was I supposed to shake this anger? How could I go back to who I once was? I liked that I was only Moony for one night a month, but now… Would I feel like this forever? I didn't want that.

I turned away from Sirius. I had snapped, I had dug my fingernails into his skin, I wanted to take him, to mark him. He knew this, he had become Padfoot to stop my urges. I felt ashamed, I felt guilty, I felt lost. Why did Moony have to mature? I wished more than anything that he had stayed a cub.

Had I done this? Had mating with Sirius set him off? Could I have avoided this? I didn't know anything. Padfoot nudged my arm and then laid in my lap. My hand found its way into his fur, like it always did, and it calmed me further, like it always did. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply. There must be a way to overcome this, or at least be able to deal with it. I couldn't spend the rest of my life feeling this unstable.

How did I get there? What did I do? Everything felt so hopeless, so pointless. My eyes welled up and then the tears fell. I never asked for any of this. I didn't even remember life before becoming a werewolf. This had always been me and it had been terrible, but I didn't know it would get worse. How was I supposed to deal with everything now?

Moony was always unpredictable, he constantly hurt me for no reason. Would that change too? Would he succeed in killing me now? If I was feeling all of this nowhere near a full moon, then what horrors would the full moon bring? And it was to become a three-day event? I couldn't handle this, I didn't want to. I could run away, I could hide, I could kill myself.

I tensed up. I could do that. I could kill myself. It would save Sirius, it would save everyone from me. This way I would die on my own terms. I wouldn't cause Sirius' downfall, I wouldn't doom him. I wouldn't hurt anyone. Moony would die alongside me. I could end it all, I could. But I would lose so much too; Sirius, his love, his beautiful mind, his kindness, how he treated and cared for me, his friendship, his trust. I would lose him. We had been through so much and we had so much life left to live. I would lose it all.

No matter what I wanted, no matter that death was the best solution, I couldn't bring myself to do it. Sirius, I wanted him. I wanted to take him, I wanted him to take me, I wanted to grow old with him, to live with him, to share our lives, no matter how hard that may all be. I didn't ask for this life, I was changed against my will, but this was my life. I was a werewolf and I needed to accept that fully. This was me and it always would be.

Werewolves were mean, cold, calculating vengeful killers. That was not me, I was warm, I cared, I forgave, I didn't kill. No matter what the world thought of me and my kind, no matter what I thought, no matter what Moony made me feel, surely I had a choice in all of this. Surely I could be nice and kind, surely I could learn to manage the anger, surely. It seemed impossible, but I had to try.

My body finally relaxed and I breathed deeply, closing my eyes before opening them. It was as though I was seeing the world in a new light. I would always be a werewolf and that was okay. What everything one else thought didn't concern me. Sirius was here, he was with me, he loved me.

"Russ, please come back to me," I said, my voice was choked up.

Padfoot's gray eyes snapped to mine and then he changed back into Sirius. I pulled him to me, crying into his shoulder.

"I love you, I love you, I love you." I couldn't stop repeating it.

I loved him so much and I hoped he would never leave me. I couldn't lose him. I needed him, and he needed me. We had to stay together forever, we had to. Please, Merlin, please.

"Remy," Sirius said and it made me cry harder, "shush," he said, "it's okay, you're okay. Whatever happens, we can deal with it, okay? You and me, Remy and Russ."

Yes, me and him, Remy and Russ.


End file.
